Podcast Summary: The Grounded Union Podcast

Episode Title: My Wife Forced Me to Come Clean About My Addiction
Hosts: Brandon and Caitlyn Doerksen
Guests: Jake and Ashley
Date: February 6, 2026

Episode Overview

This season finale features a deeply honest and vulnerable live call-in from Jake and Ashley, a married couple working through the aftermath of Jake’s decade-long pornography addiction and the web of secrecy that surrounded it. Brandon and Caitlyn guide the couple in exploring the limits of traditional Christian advice, the necessity for radical honesty, and the process of deep, mutual healing in relationships. The episode is a raw, compassionate look at what it really takes to rebuild trust and intimacy from rock bottom.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The History and Impact of Jake’s Addiction

• Jake’s initial confession: Shortly after marriage, Jake admitted to his pornography use after being confronted by Ashley’s intuition.
• “It all came out. Not out of my own confession, but out of being crowbar out of me…so much lying, so much manipulation…[Ashley] crowbarred it out of me.” – Jake (00:13)
• Years of hiding, cycles of relapse, and failed attempts at healing through biblical counseling, which Jake described as “just walking through the steps and showing up, but not really changing.”
• Several separations, a failed polygraph, therapy attempts, and spiritual wrestling characterized the past decade, culminating in another relapse two months prior to the call-in.

2. The Limits of Conventional Advice

• Both hosts and guests point out that well-meaning pastors and counselors frequently gave advice that fell short.
• “We were given much of the advice that you shared, you know, that counselors and therapists shared with you…‘it’s okay for a man to lust, just don’t do X, Y, and Z’…I’ve always known, no, if you lust, you’re gonna get there.” – Ashley (09:29)
• Counselors often discouraged exploring the roots in childhood, instead focusing only on behavior—a view both Ashley and the hosts ultimately reject in favor of deep, root-level healing.

3. The Failure of ‘Doing the Steps’

• Jake describes being “excellent” at following prescribed recovery steps, which became a problem:
  • “I was really good at doing what I'm told to do, and that was a big part of my downfall.” – Jake (19:10)
• The group discusses how simply performing tasks or going through motions doesn’t equal freedom; true healing requires ownership, vision for the relationship, and deep honesty.

4. Radical Transparency and Rewiring

• Brandon and Caitlyn outline their process of nightly ‘confession sessions’ where every thought, fantasy, flashback, and attraction is brought into the light.
• “Why would you share your thoughts, your fantasies…these ruminations, these loops…with your spouse? Because if you don’t, the energy is still there…your mind, your soul, your body goes ‘perfect…I want to partner with you in this.’” – Brandon (24:19)
• Deep sharing is not about shaming, but ownership and building connection:
  • “It’s not about reporting to her so she can decide how bad you were. It’s…‘he’s taking ownership so that I…will be empowered too.’” – Brandon (54:13)
• Caitlyn: “To heal, you have to see it clearly. When you see it clearly, you can heal clearly.” (32:30)
• The approach goes beyond simply banning behavior; it involves understanding and addressing every pattern, childhood memory, and relational dynamic that informs the addiction.

5. Breaking Shame and Denial

• The power of naming every thought and impulse, no matter how minor or embarrassing, is a recurring theme.
• Jake describes his current struggle:
  • “If I sit down and I tell her that I found somebody attractive at the store today, that throws me into a loop…why is that so significantly shameful after everything that we’ve been through?” (38:34)
• Brandon: “After about 30 days [of radical honesty], I started seeing people’s faces. I don’t have to look down and then look up…I’m not seeing things on my peripherals…something started shifting radically. My thoughts were clear, my emotions were clear.” (41:00)

6. The Importance of Mutual Healing

• Ashley’s forgiveness and family stresses:
  • “I put, you know, my trust in [God] that, no matter what my husband decides to do, he’s gonna stay faithful and I’m gonna be okay…it was a really sweet time with the Lord.” (07:26)
  • After another relapse, Ashley realized “showing grace after grace for so many years just wasn’t working,” which sparked a new approach focused on honesty, connection, and exploring root causes.
• Ashley and Jake are now engaging in nightly ‘confession sessions,’ which they find both awkward and hopeful:
  • “We’re just shooting blind here…so to hear you guys reiterate that this is what we did and this is where we are five years later is really encouraging.” – Ashley (58:12)
• Caitlyn: “This is not a curse that’s over you for the rest of your life…you will live a life where this will not be your day-to-day existence ever again. I know it works.” (59:24)

7. Creating a New Marital Vision

• Brandon: “You’re going to get a vision for your marriage, and then you’ll take action from what full intimacy and union looks like, sounds like and feels like, and everything else gets discarded.” (19:16)
• Emphasis on discarding old frameworks and building a marriage rooted in full disclosure, vulnerability, and shared healing.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jake describing the “crowbar” process:
  “It all came out. Not out of my own confession, but out of being crowbar out of me…so much lying, so much manipulation. And even when I was confronted with where I was at, it still took so much effort on my wife’s part to get the full truth out of me.” (00:13)

• Ashley on the pain of half-healing:
  “For years I had told him, you know, I don’t care what you’ve done, if you just tell me the truth, like, that’s all I care about. We can work through anything if you just are honest with me. And so the fact that he wasn’t, which is shocking to me, because I thought that was…that was really it…it was awful.” (06:05)

• On breaking free from denial:
  “The denial structure is so thick, you have to pierce through over and over and over.” – Caitlyn (35:55)

• Brandon on true freedom:
  “Your whole being is renewed, is new, is back to truly how you were meant to be…you won’t need to live off of having blockers…because your whole being is renewed.” (45:19)

• Ashley, relieved and encouraged:
  “A lot of what we’ve heard…from our Christian pastors, counselors, is that he’s always going to live with this. And so to hear your guys’ perspective is really encouraging.” (58:07)

• Caitlyn’s closing encouragement:
  “This is not a curse that’s over you for the rest of your life…everyone has the 100% capability of healing anything that they choose…you totally and will completely heal and rewire your brain and live the life you were created to live.” (59:24)

Noteworthy Timestamps

• 00:13: Jake’s initial confession and the “crowbar” metaphor
• 06:05: Ashley describes her years-long approach and the trauma of failed honesty
• 09:00: Discussing bad advice from counselors, the myth ‘men will always lust’
• 19:10: Jake describes being “excellent” at following the rules, linking his downfall to simply ‘doing what he was told’
• 24:19: Why radical honesty and full disclosure are essential
• 38:34: Jake describes ongoing shame around sharing daily thoughts with Ashley
• 41:00: Brandon explains his own rewiring process and its results
• 54:13: Framing ownership and confession as empowerment, not shame
• 58:07: Ashley and Jake reflect on their steps and the encouragement from the discussion
• 59:24: Caitlyn’s promise of total healing and freedom

Flow & Tone

The conversation is raw, compassionate, and unwavering in its insistence on truth and full ownership. The hosts are direct about the limits of conventional, often-religious advice, while offering a welcoming and hopeful vision for what’s truly possible in marriage. Both couples’ willingness to share specifics—however embarrassing or painful—infuses the episode with credibility and warmth. The theme is unified: deep healing is possible, but only with radical honesty, mutual ownership, and the courage to see (and share) things as they truly are.

Episode Takeaways

• True marital healing goes far beyond ‘doing the steps.’ It requires radical honesty, ownership of every thought and action, and shared vulnerability.
• Partial disclosure is not enough. Every hidden thought and memory is fuel for relapse and continuation of old patterns.
• Breaking free from addiction is possible. Not by endless accountability tools alone, but by rewiring the mind through honest, daily connection.
• Daily “confession sessions” can be profoundly healing. Even if awkward at first, they are the engine for re-building trust and intimacy.
• You are not condemned to struggle forever. The old story is a myth—the hosts and their guests stand as living proof that full freedom is possible.

This episode is a powerful encouragement—and a challenge—to anyone longing for a marriage marked by real honesty, deep connection, and lasting transformation.