Summary of "Our Marriage Breakdown" Episode - The Grounded Union Podcast

Podcast Information:

• Title: The Grounded Union Podcast
• Hosts: Brandon and Caitlyn Doerksen
• Episode: Our Marriage Breakdown
• Release Date: February 20, 2025

Introduction: Sharing Our Story

In the inaugural episode of The Grounded Union Podcast, hosts Brandon and Caitlyn Doerksen candidly share the tumultuous journey of their marriage. They open up about hitting rock bottom in 2019, a point so dire that divorce seemed imminent. However, through profound healing and transformation, they not only salvaged their marriage but elevated it to a level of connection and intimacy they had never envisioned.

Brandon sets the stage by emphasizing the universal pain present in every marriage story, encouraging listeners to recognize both similarities and differences in their own experiences:

Brandon (00:29): "Pain is in every marriage story... we want you to honor your story, where you're at in your marriage right now."

The Early Years: Naivety and Troubling Beginnings

Caitlyn recounts their marriage nine years prior, highlighting their young ages—she was 19 and Brandon 21 at the time of their union. Their early years were marked by traditional pathways such as premarital counseling with Christian advisors and mentorships, all of which they believed prepared them for a harmonious marriage.

However, their optimism was swiftly challenged less than a year into their marriage when Caitlyn discovered Brandon was viewing "inappropriate content" on his phone. They clarify that this did not involve pornography as commonly perceived but rather content like swimsuit models and selective social media interactions:

Caitlyn (02:37): "Brandon was looking at inappropriate content that was not pornography... like swimsuit models, it could have been anything on social media."

Brandon delves deeper, explaining that his behavior wasn't just about the content but stemmed from deeper emotional and spiritual struggles:

Brandon (03:33): "This type of inappropriate behavior was actually the ugliest it got because I had played so many mental games with Caitlin... keeping the facade going."

The Destructive Cycle: Five Years of Breakdown

The initial discovery led to a repeating five-year cycle of betrayal, denial, and broken promises. Caitlyn describes the recurring pattern where Brandon would commit to healing—attending men's groups, seeking accountability—but continually failed to sustain these changes:

Caitlyn (08:31): "So Brandon said, 'I'm gonna heal. I'm gonna read the books. I'm gonna do the things.' But the cycle continued."

This period was characterized by increasing frustration and pain for Caitlyn, as Brandon's efforts never resulted in genuine healing or change. They recognized that the issue was not isolated incidents but rooted in unhealed traumas and dysfunctional belief systems:

Caitlyn (11:30): "At the root level, a lot of this is actually all the same. It's unhealed traumas, it's mindsets and belief systems that we have that keep them broken."

Facing Denial: The Turning Point in 2019

2019 marked a pivotal year where both Brandon and Caitlyn reached a breaking point. Brandon had long convinced himself that he could control his inappropriate behaviors through spiritual covenants and superficial measures. However, reality struck when Caitlyn confronted him again:

Brandon (12:10): "I have no emotional capacity to try to change because I had tried so many times and I was exhausted."

This confrontation led to a crisis in both their personal and professional lives. Brandon had to step down from his role as children's director at a thriving church, leaving him without a job and facing the stark reality of his unaddressed issues:

Brandon (14:00): "I didn't have all the tools today, but... I know I want to do this for me and for us."

Breaking the Cycle: Commitment to True Healing

The couple emphasizes that breaking free from destructive cycles required addressing the root causes of their issues rather than merely tackling surface-level symptoms. They highlight the importance of confronting denial and facing uncomfortable truths:

Brandon (16:36): "Denial is pretending reality is not real. Denial protects you from seeing what is."

Caitlyn adds that true intimacy cannot exist if there are hidden aspects within the marriage. They reject the notion advocated by many counselors that intimacy can coexist with secrets:

Caitlyn (28:33): "If you have intimacy, if you have anything hidden, you don't have intimacy in your marriage."

Setting Standards and Boundaries: A Non-Negotiable Foundation

A significant part of their healing journey involved establishing firm standards and boundaries. Caitlyn was unwavering in her commitment to a transparent and fully connected marriage:

Caitlyn (34:22): "I don't have... nothing I don't know about Brandon, and there's nothing he doesn't know about me."

They advocate for complete disclosure between partners, emphasizing that true intimacy arises from total openness:

Caitlyn (35:06): "It's either you're coming up here and meeting me at my standards, or you're choosing that you don't want to do this."

Brandon reinforces that maintaining clarity and firmness in boundaries makes it easier for the other partner to decide to either commit to the relationship or choose separation:

Brandon (31:11): "The clearer you are on where you are and what you stand for in the relationship, the easier it makes the decision for your husband to make."

The Counseling Epiphany: Choosing Authentic Healing

Their pursuit of healing led them to a critical encounter with a counselor who failed to align with their vision of true intimacy and healing. Instead of supporting their push for complete openness, the counselor dismissed Caitlyn's standards:

Caitlyn (40:02): "Why would he ever notice that the waitress had big breasts? ... It was like, wait a second."

This dismissal acted as a catalyst, prompting Brandon to reject the counselor's flawed approach and commit wholeheartedly to Caitlyn's vision of their marriage:

Brandon (43:00): "I said to him, you're not going to talk to my wife that way."

This moment marked the beginning of their genuine healing process, moving beyond superficial fixes to address deep-seated issues.

Conclusion: Embracing the Journey Together

By the end of 2019 and into 2020, amidst global uncertainties, Brandon and Caitlyn found themselves focusing entirely on their marriage. They ceased their external ministries to invest in the most crucial relationship of their lives. Their journey underscores the necessity of facing uncomfortable truths, adhering to unwavering standards, and committing to a path of authentic healing together.

Brandon and Caitlyn invite listeners to embark on a similar journey, offering hope and practical tools for those seeking to break free from destructive cycles and cultivate a deeply connected and passionate marriage:

Caitlyn (45:00): "We invite you into a journey of the unknown, but I want you to be clear. There's really only two paths."

They conclude with a heartfelt call to action, encouraging couples to make a decisive commitment to healing and transformation, emphasizing that true intimacy and connection are attainable:

Brandon (45:59): "It's time to go to the root. It's time to see what caused the behavior... That's the only potential route for healing."

Key Takeaways:

• Addressing Root Causes: Superficial fixes are insufficient; deep-seated issues must be confronted.
• Total Openness: True marital intimacy requires complete transparency between partners.
• Firm Standards: Establishing non-negotiable boundaries is essential for meaningful healing.
• Shared Commitment: Both partners must be equally committed to the healing process for success.
• Rejecting Inadequate Support: Not all counseling approaches align with the vision of authentic healing; it's crucial to seek support that resonates with your goals.

Upcoming Episodes: Brandon and Caitlyn plan to delve deeper into topics such as denial, spirituality, childhood wounds, and sexuality in future episodes, providing a comprehensive framework for healing and strengthening marriages.

Join the Journey: Whether you're navigating through similar challenges or seeking to preemptively strengthen your marriage, The Grounded Union Podcast offers a beacon of hope and practical guidance. Tune in to continue following Brandon and Caitlyn's transformative journey toward a more connected and fulfilling marriage.