The Grounded Union Podcast

Episode: The Secrets to a Peaceful and Connected Marriage
Hosts: Brandon and Kaitlyn Doerksen
Date: September 12, 2025

Brief Overview

In this episode, Brandon and Kaitlyn Doerksen share intimate insights and hard-won wisdom from their journey of transforming a near-divorce marriage into an exceptionally connected union. Centering the conversation on true connection and peace in marriage, the couple explores why conventional advice—like regular date nights—often falls short, and they lay out their blueprint for lasting unity, built on vulnerability, intentionality, and authenticity.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Myth of Date Nights as the Foundation of Connection

Timestamps: 02:32–06:56

• Personal Story: Kaitlyn explains that despite going on many weekly dates during their tumultuous first five years, they felt fundamentally disconnected as a couple.
  • "Yet you'd be surprised...we actually went on many, many dates...and yet five years into our marriage, we had an absolutely disconnected union at the root level." (03:34–04:16, Kaitlyn)
• Critical Analysis: Brandon likens dates to church attendance: the act alone doesn’t create substance.
  • "Dates are like going to church...Just because you go on a one hour date once a week or a movie, does not guarantee you are connected." (05:43–06:52, Brandon)
• Memorable Moment: Humor about their rare dates, like the anniversary spent eating cake on the side of the highway in their minivan. (04:59–05:07)

2. Everyday Intentionality Over Occasional Romance

Timestamps: 06:56–10:34

• Daily Connection: Instead of relying on rare, orchestrated dates, their connection is built in daily moments.
  • "I see it almost as if we nearly go on a date every single day. It's not the date you think of... there’s intentionality to the everyday moments." (08:34, Kaitlyn)
• Technology and Distraction: The couple emphasizes the importance of putting away screens to foster real presence and intimacy.
  • "When entertainment is so deeply engaged, enveloped around your time together, you don’t really have time together." (07:47, Brandon)
• Reframing Special Days: They affirm the value of special occasions but clarify those are additions (“cherry on the top”)—not the foundation of a strong marriage. (10:34, Brandon)

3. The Power of Vulnerability: Eradicating Secrets

Timestamps: 12:09–15:38

• The Magnet Analogy: Kaitlyn creatively compares a marriage with secrets to magnets repelling each other.
  • "If you have secrets in your union, you're two magnets trying to come together and connect, no matter how hard—you can never connect together." (12:57, Kaitlyn)
• Personal Testimony: Brandon acknowledges hiding behind a false identity both publicly and at home, and describes the transformative power of being truly seen by your spouse.
  • "You sharing your secrets, actually coming clean and being seen by your spouse, binds you two together in such a beautiful way." (15:26, Brandon)
• Practical Step: Removal of secrets (and the shame attached) is cited as the prerequisite for any deep connection or healing.

4. Practicing Presence: Diminishing Distraction and Living Authentically

Timestamps: 18:09–22:31

• Screen-Free Life: They recount how eliminating TV, social media, and video games created space for reconnection.
  • "For many of you listening, you feel like you are so far away from your spouse...remove your screens from your life...those two worlds are going to get so much closer already." (19:24, Kaitlyn)
• Living Vibrantly: Suggest unplugging from tech, reconnecting with creative or meaningful pursuits, and being fully present with children and spouse.
  • "If you want to feel alive again, start putting things into your schedule that make you feel alive. Scrolling on social media doesn’t make any of us feel alive." (21:30, Kaitlyn)

5. The Blueprint for Daily Reconnection

Timestamps: 22:31–33:20

• Phase One: Rebuilding Trust
  • Openly discussing challenging topics, especially around sexuality or sources of pain, is key for creating a safe space in the relationship.
  • "We think that true connection can only come through intentionality. That intentionality only exists when there's no more hiding." (22:44, Brandon)
• Phase Two: Establishing Everyday Rituals
  • They describe their family’s nightly routine: putting kids to sleep together, then retreating for candlelit conversations, physical affection, and undistracted togetherness.
    • "We light candles...snuggle on the couch...connect our physical bodies. There are ways to connect physically without just having sex..." (24:24–25:14, Kaitlyn)
  • Candid note: The hosts disclose rare exceptions, such as short periods spent on their phones for work, always with clear communication and limits. (28:08–28:31)
• Conversation Starters: Topics range from daily highs and lows, parenting brainstorms, intentions for the future, spiritual musings, creative projects, and childhood memories.
  • "We'll talk about the day, what we experienced, things we were grateful for, conversations, funny moments, moments with our kids..." (28:31–30:30, Brandon)
  • "Share memories from childhood...before we know it, we just fell deeper in love and deeper in connection." (31:36, Kaitlyn)
• Practical Planning: Weekly syncing up on schedules to stay aligned as a family. (32:40, Brandon)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Date Night Myths:
  • "Dates do not equal the foundation of connection in your union." (05:28, Kaitlyn)
• On Eliminating Distraction:
  • "You would feel so much more alive sitting down, looking at your kids, looking at your spouse, connecting in heartfelt conversation." (21:47, Kaitlyn)
• On Vulnerability and Healing:
  • "You sharing your secrets...binds you two together in such a beautiful way." (15:26, Brandon)
• On Embracing Nature:
  • "The easiest way to create connection is to do so out in the wild, out where you have the trees moving, the wind blowing, you're out in the elements…" (17:22, Brandon)
• On Creating a Peaceful Evening Ritual:
  • "We light a candle...snuggle on the couch...connect our physical bodies...before we know it, we just fell deeper in love and deeper in connection." (24:24–31:36, Compilation from Kaitlyn)

Important Timestamps

• Marriage disconnect despite regular dates: 03:34–04:16
• Dates compared to church as an empty ritual: 05:43–06:52
• Refuting the need for screens/entertainment to bond: 07:47–08:34
• Explaining the magnet/secrets analogy: 12:57–14:55
• Describing family bedtime and nightly ritual: 23:59–25:14
• Discussion of nightly conversations and practical topics: 28:31–32:40

Conclusion

Brandon and Kaitlyn emerge from this episode with a potent message: The hallmarks of a peaceful and connected marriage are:

• Radical honesty and vulnerability ("the magnets must connect"),
• Daily intentionality, not just ritualized romance,
• Screens and distractions put aside,
• Creating presence and celebrating the mundane,
• Sharing not just special events, but everyday life, joys and hurts.

Their formula is simple yet demanding: “Until you go into the pain, you don’t get to enjoy the fruit of a thriving relationship.” (32:40, Brandon)

If you want a truly vibrant marriage, start by facing and clearing out what stands between you—then fill your life with intentional, authentic presence every day.

For more on their process and resources, see episode show notes.