The Grounded Union Podcast: What to Do When You're Attracted to Somebody Other Than Your Spouse
Hosts: Brandon and Caitlyn Doerksen
Release Date: August 8, 2025
Introduction
In this compelling episode of The Grounded Union Podcast, hosts Brandon and Caitlyn Doerksen delve deep into a sensitive and often unspoken aspect of marriage: being attracted to someone outside the marital relationship. Building on their own journey of marital recovery and transformation, Brandon and Caitlyn offer insightful perspectives, challenging conventional advice and inviting listeners to explore a path toward deeper connection and freedom within their unions.
The Normalcy of Attraction to Others
Caitlyn shares her personal revelation:
"I realized I'm not attracted to anybody else. I'm not walking around like rating other men... I was becoming aware of, oh, I'm in this union, in this marriage, and I'm fully committed and in love with my husband, and therefore I'm not actually out here on the hunt for anybody else anymore."
[03:56] Caitlin
Caitlyn discusses how, despite growing up in a Christian environment where discussions about attraction were often superficial, she discovered a profound shift in her own experience of attraction after a decade of marriage. Unlike the commonly held belief that men are biologically wired to find other women attractive, Caitlyn found herself not engaging in such thought processes, leading her to question and ultimately redefine the norms surrounding attraction within marriage.
Challenging Conventional Beliefs:
"It's not biological normal. It's what you created yourself to think. It's what you wired in, it's what you told yourself was true."
[35:10] Caitlin
The hosts emphasize that many of the beliefs surrounding perpetual attraction to others are not innate but are rather cultivated through societal and cultural conditioning.
Community Reactions and Debates
Brandon and Caitlyn address the diverse reactions from their audience, highlighting both supportive and critical comments. They navigate through skepticism, with some listeners accusing them of deception, while others express gratitude for validating their own experiences.
Notable Listener Comments:
-
"Thank you for making me not feel crazy about how I feel about this topic."
[04:21] Brandon -
"Attraction to another can also be an internal projection of the unintegrated aspects of ourselves that our soul is calling us to develop."
[09:58] Brandon
These interactions showcase the varied perspectives listeners hold and set the stage for the podcast’s exploration of these differing viewpoints.
The Grounded Union's Unique Approach
Rejecting mainstream counseling and religious advice, Brandon and Caitlyn have carved out their own path toward marital fulfillment. They advocate for a marriage where both partners are fully satisfied and exclusively attracted to each other, dismissing the notion that attraction to others is an inevitable aspect of human relationships.
Caitlyn on Church Messaging:
"Why are we enabling in the church and walking with this message that's actually keeping men, keeping women, keeping unions, marriages in bondage?"
[10:06] Caitlin
Their approach focuses on freedom, love, and deep connection, challenging the restrictive narratives often perpetuated by traditional institutions.
Breaking Down Attraction: Thoughts vs. Actions
A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to exploring the relationship between recognizing attraction and acting upon it. Caitlyn emphasizes that thoughts and actions are interconnected:
"Our thoughts are actually what funnel and fuel our actions. So to separate the two... is inaccurate."
[19:58] Caitlin
They argue that merely noticing someone’s attractiveness can lead to actions if not properly managed, making it essential to address the roots of these attractions to maintain marital harmony.
Identifying the Roots of Attraction
Brandon and Caitlyn outline three core areas that influence attraction outside the marriage:
-
Past Experiences:
- Brandon explains:
"If you've been exposed to pornography, abused as a child, etc., these experiences shape your current attractions."
[28:12] Brandon
- Brandon explains:
-
Consumption:
- Caitlin highlights:
"What you consume—be it social media, TV, or pornography—desensitizes you and shapes your perceptions of attraction."
[41:37] Caitlin
- Caitlin highlights:
-
Limiting Beliefs:
- Brandon notes:
"Limiting beliefs keep you bound by societal narratives that you are always going to be attracted to others."
[42:58] Brandon
- Brandon notes:
By addressing these areas, couples can begin to understand and dismantle the factors that contribute to external attractions.
The Path to Healing and Connection
The hosts share their personal journey of overcoming external attractions by addressing the identified root causes. They emphasize the importance of open communication, mutual support, and a commitment to personal and relational growth.
Caitlyn on Building Intimacy:
"We began to look at our past experiences together, removed harmful consumption habits, and challenged our limiting beliefs to rebuild trust and connection."
[35:36] Caitlin
They offer practical steps couples can take, such as:
- Exploring Past Experiences: Understanding how previous experiences shape current attractions.
- Regulating Consumption: Limiting exposure to sexualized media that fuels external attractions.
- Challenging Limiting Beliefs: Rewriting the narratives that bind individuals to perpetual attraction outside the marriage.
Challenges and Sacrifices
Brandon candidly discusses the struggles they faced during their transformation, including stepping away from traditional roles and enduring significant personal and relational pain.
Brandon on the Difficulty of Change:
"Was it easy? No. This cost us a lot. I stepped out of ministry. We let go of a lot of very deeply held norms and beliefs..."
[54:47] Brandon
Their journey was not without hardship, but their resilience and dedication to each other’s growth paved the way for a stronger, more intimate marriage.
Conclusion and Next Steps
Brandon and Caitlyn conclude the episode by reaffirming their belief in the possibility of transforming marital relationships through intentional effort and shared commitment. They invite listeners to embark on their own journeys toward deeper connection and freedom within their unions.
Caitlyn’s Encouragement:
"This is a life of joy, freedom, love, and connection. If you’re willing to face the past and embrace a different lifestyle, you can experience full freedom."
[42:19] Caitlin
They tease the next episode, which will focus on the painful process of betrayal and rebuilding trust, further guiding couples through their path to grounded intimacy.
Notable Quotes
-
Caitlyn on Attraction:
"You can recognize that someone else is attractive without being attracted to them."
[04:51] Caitlin -
Brandon on Empowerment:
"This is an invitation to live freer and connected in your union."
[10:06] Brandon -
Caitlyn on Consumption:
"If you’re consuming sexualized media, you will sexualize women and men in your environment, point blank."
[30:18] Caitlin -
Brandon on Limiting Beliefs:
"To shift your marriage, you have to work on your own personal growth and limitations."
[45:08] Brandon
Final Thoughts
This episode stands as an empowering resource for couples grappling with external attractions, offering a blend of personal testimony, psychological insight, and practical guidance. Brandon and Caitlyn Doerksen's honest and heartfelt discussion encourages listeners to rethink societal norms and embark on a transformative journey toward a more connected and fulfilling marriage.
For those seeking to deepen their marital bond and overcome the challenges of external attractions, The Grounded Union Podcast provides a beacon of hope and a roadmap for lasting change.
Subscribe and Connect:
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