The Grounded Union Podcast
Episode: Why Christian Disciplines Aren’t Saving Your Marriage
Hosts: Brandon and Caitlyn Doerksen
Date: August 22, 2025

Brief Overview

In this candid conversation, Brandon and Caitlyn Doerksen reflect on how their own marriage, deeply rooted in Christian disciplines and ministry, came dangerously close to falling apart. They challenge widely held assumptions in Christian culture about spiritual practices—like prayer, Bible reading, and fasting—being direct remedies for marital struggle. Drawing from their own journey, they argue that spiritual disciplines, while valuable, cannot heal a marriage unless the underlying pain, disconnection, and personal wounds are truly faced and integrated. Their message: real restoration means dropping the mask, stopping the cycle of hiding, and proactively pursuing emotional and relational healing—while allowing love and the fullness of the gospel to transform not just the spiritual, but every area of life.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Their Spiritual Background and Early Marriage

• Caitlyn and Brandon share how they grew up two hours apart in the same denomination (Nazarene Church) but met on the mission field in Ecuador, instantly bonding over shared faith and missionary vision. (01:57)
• Their marriage began steeped in ministry: “We wanted to give our entire lives to spreading the love of God, the gospel of Jesus to the world.” (Brandon, 03:35)
• Spiritual Resume: Upon marrying, they embraced all expected Christian disciplines—daily Bible reading, prayer, fasting, solitude, frequent church attendance, and small group participation. They worked for non-profit ministries and prepared for overseas mission work. (08:29)

2. When the Disciplines Didn’t Work

• Despite "checking all the boxes," after years their marriage was deeply fractured, filled with “addiction and betrayal and mistrust.” (Caitlyn, 08:29–09:36)
• The pain intensified confusion: “Why are we still staring at the face of so much addiction and betrayal and mistrust in our relationship?” (Caitlyn, 09:31)
• Quote: “...years into our marriage, we were both surprised. Like, oh, my gosh, we are completely disconnected. We're on the verge of divorce. We barely know each other, definitely do not love each other. Our marriage is falling apart.” (Caitlyn, 09:06)

3. Fragmented Spiritual Lives

• Brandon outlines a common Western Christian problem: living “segmented, fragmented lives”—spirituality separated from marital and emotional reality. (10:14)
• Reading the Bible, praying, or attending church becomes a substitute for honest engagement with one’s pain or spouse: “Just opening your Bible and reading it does not actually build within you the ability to have relational capacity.” (Brandon, 10:55)
• There’s a temptation to seek “band-aids” instead of real healing, with ramped-up spiritual activities masking core issues.

4. Facing the Pain vs. Hiding Behind Disciplines

• Increasing spiritual disciplines often led to more duality—“good spiritual Brandon” vs. “dark shadow Brandon” (addictions, secrets, shame). (Caitlyn, 13:18)
• Quote: “Brandon just kept stuffing that shadow behind him, trying to see if he kept doing the spiritual practices, if it would make the shadow disappear. And the shadow actually never disappeared because the shadow needed to be faced. We needed to turn the lights on so that we could see everything that was in the room.” (Caitlyn, 15:19)
• Real change began only when they stopped running from the pain and chose to face it.

5. How Real Transformation Begins

• After their breakdown in 2019, outside active ministry and church life, Brandon one day realized: “I forgot to be tempted... The temptation, the rubber band got cut, the tension was gone, the pressure was gone to perform.” (Brandon, 16:30)
• Central Insight: “The gospel isn't the excuse to ignore our pain. It’s the invitation to face it.” (Brandon, 17:58)
• Facing pain, being honest about secrets, betrayals, and unmet childhood needs is the path to real freedom—in Christ and in marriage.

6. Why Many in the Church Stay Stuck

• Caitlyn points out the repetitive cycles within Christian communities—support groups for the same issues, men struggling with lust, few stories of real sustained freedom. (13:18)
• Hiding behind doctrines of “sin nature” rather than integrating the healing and freedom already promised in Christ leads to perpetual defeat and disconnection.

7. Letting Love In: The True Message of the Gospel

• Real transformation isn’t about attaining something; it’s “letting love in,” accepting the present reality of Christ’s work and presence. (Brandon, 24:47)
• Quote: “The gospel is the invitation to face the hard stuff head on. Because if you protect and you keep secret things from your spouse... you're saying that that thing is worth protecting more than your spouse.” (Brandon, 27:50)
• Practical Step: Don’t use grace as an excuse for denial; use it as empowerment to heal and “face everything that's between you and your wife.” (Brandon, 28:18)

8. Shifting Awareness: Creating a Life of Hope and Love

• Caitlyn emphasizes the importance of mindset: “What you think is what you create. So if you let your mind be always aware of this belief system...you’re going to create that in your life... If you want to switch your awareness to the... freedom that lives within you already... you are going to create a life of freedom.” (Caitlyn, 28:31)
• The “goal and emphasis” of their marriage is a union that glows with hope, love, and authentic connection—a visible testimony to others. (Caitlyn, 30:55)
• Quote: “We are the resemblance of hope and love and connection. We are glowing with freedom.” (Caitlyn, 23:26)

9. Integrating Spiritual and Emotional Growth

• There’s no separation between spiritual and emotional development—they’re “intertwined.” (Brandon, 32:36)
• Instead of chasing “spiritual checklists,” focus on present hope, radical self-honesty, and active, integrating love.

Memorable Quotes (with Timestamps and Attribution)

• “We checked all the boxes, we did all the things. And so years into our marriage, we were both surprised. Like, oh, my gosh, we are completely disconnected. We're on the verge of divorce.” — Caitlyn (09:06)

• “Just opening your Bible and reading it does not actually build within you the ability to have relational capacity.” — Brandon (10:55)

• “Brandon just kept stuffing that shadow behind him, trying to see if he kept doing the spiritual practices, if it would make the shadow disappear. And the shadow actually never disappeared because the shadow needed to be faced.” — Caitlyn (15:19)

• “I forgot to be tempted. Without this continual messaging...me needing to pray and build up my strength...I realized that there wasn't a temptation. The temptation, the rubber band got cut, the tension was gone, the pressure was gone to perform.” — Brandon (16:30)

• “The gospel isn't the excuse to ignore our pain. It's the invitation to face it.” — Brandon (17:58)

• “We are glowing with freedom. How many people step into a church and all we see is sick people, poor people, marriages crumbling...Here we are, walking in this new way of thinking and there's a glow, there's a freedom, there's a hope, there's a love.” — Caitlyn (23:26)

• “If you make this about attaining something you don’t have, you never will have it. The starting point is love... It's letting go and a reception of a reality that is already here.” — Brandon (24:47)

• “You can’t just continue reading more, praying more, and fasting more. At some point, your wife needs to know the porn you looked at. At some point you got to come clean about the things you were lying about.” — Brandon (17:33)

• “What you think is what you create...If you want to switch your awareness to the gift of the cross, the abundance of Christ...then guess what? What you think about is what you create.” — Caitlyn (28:31)

Important Timestamps

• 01:57 – The hosts share their backstory and spiritual upbringing
• 08:29 – Detailing their “spiritual resume” and early marriage practices
• 09:06–10:14 – How “doing all the right things” left their marriage on the brink of divorce
• 10:55 – The divide between spiritual activity and relational health
• 13:18 – Repetitive cycles in marriage and church communities
• 15:19 – The shadow self and the need for integration (Caitlyn’s “turn the lights on” analogy)
• 16:30 – Brandon’s epiphany: “I forgot to be tempted”
• 17:58 – The shift: gospel as an invitation to healing, not avoidance
• 23:26 – Living as “glowing with freedom” and what that reveals to others
• 24:47 – “Letting love in” as the heart of restoration and transformation
• 28:31 – Caitlyn on changing your awareness to create a new relational reality
• 32:36 – Integrating spiritual and emotional growth; challenging old constructs

Closing Reflection

Brandon and Caitlyn invite listeners—whether Christian or not—to scrutinize if their spiritual practices are truly transforming their relationships, or simply masking deeper wounds. Their raw honesty about “failing” while doing everything “right,” their critique of religious duality, and their call to integrate love, healing, and radical self-honesty offers a stirring and practical perspective for anyone desiring real change—not just survival—in their marriage.

Key Takeaway:
Healing and restoration don’t come from more willpower or spiritual effort. They come from allowing gospel love to illuminate and integrate every hurting, hiding, or divided part of ourselves—so that true connection, honesty, and passionate union become possible.