Podcast Summary: The Grounded Union Podcast

Episode: Why is my husband STILL lying to me?

Hosts: Brandon & Caitlyn Doerksen
Date: December 12, 2025
Guests: Drew and Chelsea

Overview of the Episode’s Main Theme

This episode features a live coaching conversation with Drew and Chelsea, a married couple grappling with ongoing issues of lying and broken trust in the aftermath of Drew’s porn addiction disclosure. Brandon and Caitlyn guide them through a candid exploration of the root causes of recurring dishonesty, the pain and emotional fallout it brings to both partners, and specific practical steps for fostering deep honesty, healing, and true intimacy in marriage. The episode is a raw, compassionate look at the cycle of hiding, shame, and the possibility of authentic transformation.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Drew and Chelsea’s Story So Far

• Infertility and Marriage History: Married in 2019, they struggled with infertility, leading to a faith journey and eventual conception ([00:00], [01:24]).
• Disclosure of Porn Addiction: Drew confessed to a long-term porn addiction after their son was born, which marked the start of a turbulent healing journey ([01:24], [03:33]).
• Cycle of Lying: Despite progress in sobriety from porn, Drew continued to hide behaviors and lie about seemingly minor things, leaving Chelsea feeling betrayed and unworthy ([01:24], [03:10]).

2. Why Lying Persists Even After Sobriety

• Rooted in Early Shame: Drew recounts his first memory of lying at 12–13 years old, hiding from parental shame after being caught with explicit images ([15:10]-[15:35]).
• Automatic Protective Reflex: Lying has become a reflexive protective pattern, especially when facing perceived threats or shame, stemming from childhood experiences ([11:23], [16:24]).
• Cycle of Hiding and Denial Structures: Caitlyn describes how deep denial structures and hidden narratives can keep the pattern alive, even when a person desires to change ([11:23]).

3. Chelsea’s Emotional Experience

• Zero Trust and Emotional Pain: Ongoing lies erode her trust to “literally zero,” causing feelings of betrayal, unworthiness, and emotional exhaustion ([01:24], [17:18]).
• Repeated Cycles Trigger Old Wounds: Every new lie, however trivial, feels like a return to “square one,” making it hard for her to envision moving forward ([53:32]-[53:44]).

4. Barriers to Radical Honesty

• “Silly Lies” as Red Flags: The presence of dishonesty about minor issues often signals deeper secrets or unresolved issues still hidden from both self and spouse ([11:23], [41:03]).
• Flawed One-Time Disclosures: The expectation that all secrets can be revealed in one conversation is unrealistic—real intimacy comes from ongoing daily transparency ([47:34]).

5. Practical Recommendations for Lasting Healing

• Daily Radical Honesty Rituals: Shift from one-time confessions to daily check-ins, using evenings to process memories and disclosures as they arise ([47:34], [48:05]).
• The Four Rs Technique: Use the "Recognize, Receive, Release, Replace" process for thoughts and memories, moving them from secrecy into connection ([46:54]).
• Embodiment Practices: Drew is encouraged to regulate his nervous system and emotions through daily embodiment (mindfulness, breathwork, body awareness) for self-control and honesty ([37:39]).
• Ongoing Sexual History Sharing: Go deeper than the initial full disclosure—make it a journey of mutual seeing and being seen, not a compliance exercise ([43:03], [47:34]).
• Caring for the Betrayed Partner: Chelsea is guided to prioritize self-care (movement, sunlight, journaling, letting herself grieve) while healing, recognizing she’s already in pain. The only way out is through greater honesty and connection ([54:21]).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On the Pattern of Lying and Shame

“After exposing the porn addiction, really the deeper root that I kind of protected that part of my life with was lying. And that has really been the difficult reflexive response to threat that I have that I’m trying to work through… I don’t want to be that person anymore.”
— Drew ([03:53])

On the Pain to Chelsea

“I don’t know for myself how to continue in marriage where there’s literally zero trust. And it seems like no matter what the situation, that he just is stuck in this habit of lying.”
— Chelsea ([01:24])

On What True Healing Requires

“What this actually boils down to is not performance… What Chelsea probably longs to feel is that her desire to be close to you and to know you… is enough for you to open up and let yourself be accessible and visible and available to her.”
— Brandon ([17:55])

On Denial and the Root of the Problem

“When you have a pattern or a history of lying, it’s because you’ve lied to yourself first … There’s things hidden behind doors that haven’t fully been opened yet.”
— Caitlyn ([11:23])

On the Limitation of Therapeutic Disclosure

“There’s so much you actually can’t see… If you spent decades hiding it from yourself, you might remember some of the biggest things, but a lot of little things are still tucked away in your subconscious.”
— Brandon ([41:52])

On the Commitment to Daily Vulnerability

“The true path … is not a one-time conversation. It’s a daily conversation. Because … there’s a day … that you won’t have to go through it again. Trying to keep some of it at bay is keeping you at where you are right now, where you’re still lying about silly things… As soon as the full truth is out, all power to that source that makes you feel like you’re going to lie compulsively dies off right then and there.”
— Caitlyn ([48:05])

On Hope for the Future

“If he commits to that, your marriage, I guarantee, looks completely different one year from now… There’s one way out of the pain that actually leads to wholeness and connection… and that’s through embracing what you’re experiencing, getting the truth and honesty out and working through that together.”
— Caitlyn ([54:21])

Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00–01:24: Chelsea describes the early struggles—infertility, faith, and the moment she learned about Drew’s addiction.
• 03:10: Chelsea shares ongoing pain of repeated lies despite progress.
• 03:53: Drew explains his journey from disclosure to working on his lying reflex.
• 08:07: Most recent incident of lying, even over a trivial action, comes to light.
• 11:23: Caitlyn unpacks the psychology of denial, hidden narratives, and the need to look back at first memories of lying.
• 15:10: Drew recalls lying to his mother as a teenager; feeling guilt and lack of healing conversation.
• 17:18: Chelsea expresses her feelings of betrayal, unworthiness, and exhaustion.
• 24:02: Drew traces his first exposure to sexual content and the beginnings of addiction.
• 31:33: Investigation into the most recent hidden behavior—“silly lies” that derive from old patterns.
• 37:39: Discussion of embodiment for nervous system regulation.
• 41:03: Chelsea questions whether Drew has truly revealed everything.
• 43:03: Review of the limitations of standard full-disclosure models.
• 47:34: The hosts underscore the need for daily, ongoing radical honesty and healing dialogue.
• 48:05: Caitlyn explains how only daily radical transparency removes the compulsive lying.
• 53:32: Chelsea’s raw question—How can I keep going when it feels like nothing changes?
• 54:21: Caitlyn’s encouragement to Chelsea: "You’re already in pain; the only way out is through."

Action Steps & Takeaways

• For Couples:

  • Move beyond one-time confessions—start daily, ritualized, vulnerable conversations.
  • Use “Four Rs” to process and bring up old, hidden memories or patterns.
  • Each partner should pursue self-awareness: track body states, triggers, emotional cycles.
  • Consider professional help but don't delegate disclosure; true intimacy requires direct, ongoing honesty.
  • Betrayed partners need compassionate self-care—don’t neglect physical, emotional, and social needs.

• For Listeners in Similar Situations:

  • Healing is not about passing enough “tests” or performing well—it’s about radical access and visibility.
  • Shame and secrecy only perpetuate pain; freedom comes from being fully seen by your spouse.
  • Trust is rebuilt not through perfection but through daily demonstration of honesty and presence.

Conclusion

This episode is a deep dive into the roots of habitual lying and the long road to real honesty in marriage after betrayal trauma. The Doerksens offer both tough love and empathy, encouraging couples to reject passive or performance-based models of healing in favor of courageous, daily vulnerability—even when it feels excruciating. Their testimony and practical wisdom point to a future where nothing is hidden and true intimacy becomes possible again.

[For further resources and exercises mentioned, listeners are encouraged to check the Grounded Union app and its “Grounded Intimacy” program.]