The Grounded Union Podcast

Episode Title: Why Relapse to Addiction Is So Common

Hosts: Brandon and Caitlyn Doerksen
Date: September 5, 2025

Episode Overview

In this compelling episode, Brandon and Caitlyn Doerksen open up about why relapse in addiction, especially in the context of marriage and trust, is such a persistent and painful cycle. Drawing from their own intense marital struggles, they share hard-won insights about the deeper roots of addiction, challenge conventional approaches that fail to address those roots, and describe powerful steps couples can take to find lasting freedom—personally and together.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Relapse Cycle: Personal Experience [00:27–04:12]

• Brandon details his years of relapsing despite “doing everything right” externally: counseling, accountability, repentance. Yet, cyclical behaviors continued because the process never got to the root.
  • Quote [01:35] - Brandon:
    “Relapse is finding a new way to repeat the same behavior... For me, I kept saying, okay, at least I’m not doing the bad stuff. But I knew a few months later that I was going back into the same path that I was just in.”
• Many couples put band-aids on surface-level behaviors (e.g., quitting porn, avoiding affairs) without addressing deeper issues.
• The profound discouragement and depletion that results from repeated failed attempts at change.

2. Why Most Attempts at Recovery Fail [04:12–10:30]

• Surface Solutions vs. Root Healing: Caitlyn argues that most attempts at change are surface-level, using “band-aids” (reading books, counseling, external accountability) instead of digging into the roots.
  • Quote [05:43] - Caitlyn:
    “It’s like, if you know the ground, it’s a ground level. We need to dig deep below the surface. We need to get to the roots.”
• Real healing demands examining childhood experiences, past traumas, and family systems.
  • Quote [07:31] - Caitlyn:
    “You actually have to have curiosity like a detective to go sleuthing around in your own story... find whatever is hidden, these hidden little gemstones in these caves of your life that help complete your story.”
• They stress that unresolved trauma or past events, especially around sexuality, create patterns that last into adulthood without consciousness.

3. The Power of Story—An Example [07:30–10:30]

• Caitlyn shares a powerful real-life example of a man whose adult pattern of seeking illicit massages directly traced back to an exploitative childhood incident.
  • Insight: Often, our most bewildering compulsions have roots in early, misunderstood, or unprocessed experiences.

4. Facing and Owning Your Story [10:30–14:53]

• Brandon emphasizes the damage of minimizing or ignoring abuse or trauma.
  • Quote [10:43] - Brandon:
    “If you’ve had a traumatic experience as a child, stop ignoring it. It’s not honoring to your parents... You will continue to relapse because there’s a part of you that’s trying to integrate, that’s trying to make sense of this experience you had that you’re ignoring.”
• True change often requires a radical overhaul—not a few small tweaks.
  • Quote [13:21] - Brandon:
    “If you have been bound by addiction... it’s time to change everything. It’s time to uproot every experience you’ve ever had, every belief you’ve ever had, and say, is this serving me or is this keeping me bound?”

5. Digging Even Deeper: Categories to Examine [14:53–20:28]

• Addiction’s Roots Are Multi-Faceted:
  1. Childhood Experiences – When and why did the addictive pattern start?
  2. Spiritual Beliefs – Growing up with messages like “you’ll always struggle with lust” can create self-fulfilling cycles.
  3. Self and Marriage Paradigms – What do you really believe about your ability to change or be free?
• Quote [18:27] - Caitlyn:
  “It's crazy to me... how are we not looking at when this started and when our first—why are we focusing so much on the right now?”

6. Identifying and Changing Core Beliefs [20:28–22:47]

• Addressing hidden or self-limiting beliefs is critical.
• Brandon compares holding onto destructive beliefs (“I can never be free”) to sitting in a painful chair—you can simply stand up and choose another.
• If you hate significant aspects of your life, addictive behaviors will keep providing an escape until the life itself is changed.

7. What Real Recovery Looks Like [22:57–31:52]

• A Burden-Free Life:
  • The last five years have been relapse-free—and that hasn’t been about “trying harder.” Freedom is experienced as lightness, not exhausting vigilance.
  • Quote [25:15] - Brandon:
    “I thought I was a victim to my biology... As we identified patterns, it became very clear: oh, I do this behavior when I’m feeling anxious... These are the breadcrumbs that make it crystal clear of how I got here and what need I’m trying to fill in my soul.”
  • Creating new, honest narratives (taking inventory, facing every memory with curiosity) leads to lasting change.
  • Caitlyn describes how this freedom produced deep safety and trust in their union—she no longer worries about Brandon’s state of mind or possible relapse.
  • Quote [30:10] - Caitlyn:
    “He’s not scared of relapse. That’s the thing—once we tapped into this... It was over. The battle of temptation, of lust, of sexual brokenness was completely over.”

8. The Practical Tool: The Four R’s [32:26–34:51]

• For daily rewiring, Brandon offers the “Four R’s” approach:
  1. Recognize – Notice the unwanted thought or pattern.
  2. Receive – Allow yourself to find peace in the moment (not shame or tension).
  3. Release – Let go of the power of the memory or impulse.
  4. Replace – Consciously choose a new, healthier response or narrative.
  • Quote [32:40] - Brandon:
    “I recognize that this memory is impacting me right now. I receive peace in my body. I release this... and I replace it with how I would like to have shown up.”

9. Radical Honesty—Getting Everything Out [34:51–39:05]

• Their Core Message: Lasting freedom demands radical, mutual honesty.
  • Absolutely nothing is off-limits—every thought, memory, slip, desire, and secret is mutually confessed and explored.
  • Quote [35:41] - Caitlyn:
    “There’s nothing that shouldn’t be shared. There’s nothing that should be kept from each other. Everything that comes to your mind as we’re even talking... all of it.”
• Conventional advice often discourages such transparency. The Doerksens found it created unparalleled intimacy and safety.
  • Quote [36:29] - Caitlyn:
    “You cannot have intimacy—into me you see—if you are lying and hiding things. And if you don’t have intimacy in your marriage, then what do you have?”

10. The Gifts of Recovery [39:05–41:01]

• This radical healing is not about lifelong vigilance or boring self-denial; it results in heartfelt connection, fun, adventure, and waking up “full” each day.
  • Quote [40:18] - Brandon:
    “You and your spouse can create the life of your dreams... You get to wake up every day full of gratitude, full of connection, and full of a burden-free life where it’s like, wait, I’m full. We are full.”

Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• “Relapse is finding a new way to repeat the same behavior.” – Brandon [01:35]
• “We need to dig way deeper. We need to dig deep below the ground, deep below the surface. We need to get to the roots.” – Caitlyn [05:43]
• “You actually have to have curiosity like a detective to go sleuthing around in your own story...” – Caitlyn [07:31]
• “If you’ve had a traumatic experience as a child, stop ignoring it... You will continue to relapse because there’s a part of you that’s trying to integrate, that’s trying to make sense of this experience you had that you’re ignoring.” – Brandon [10:43]
• “If you have been bound by addiction...it’s time to change everything. It’s time to uproot every experience you’ve ever had, every belief you’ve ever had...” – Brandon [13:21]
• “What do you really want? ...These are the breadcrumbs that make it crystal clear of how I got here and what need I’m trying to fill in my soul.” – Brandon [25:15]
• “He’s not scared of relapse... The battle of temptation, of lust, of sexual brokenness was completely over.” – Caitlyn [30:10]
• “You cannot have intimacy—into me you see—if you are lying and hiding things.” – Caitlyn [36:29]
• “You get to wake up every day full of gratitude, full of connection, and full of a burden-free life where it’s like, wait, I’m full. We are full.” – Brandon [40:18]

Important Segments (Timestamps)

• Brandon describing the addiction cycle: [01:00–04:12]
• Caitlyn on the necessity of root work: [04:12–07:31]
• The power of story and example: [07:31–10:30]
• Root beliefs and total life change: [13:21–14:53]
• Examining childhood and belief roots: [14:53–20:28]
• Rewiring via The Four R’s: [32:26–34:51]
• Radical honesty and sharing everything: [34:51–39:05]
• Describing life on the other side of addiction: [39:05–end]

Tone and Language

The episode balances empathetic honesty with conviction and hope. Brandon and Caitlyn are both vulnerable and direct, using their personal story as the anchor for universal principles. Their language is compassionate, sometimes raw, always grounded in lived experience, and often challenges conventional wisdom on recovery and marriage.

Takeaways for Listeners

• Surface-level solutions rarely produce freedom; get to the roots.
• Freedom is not about relentless self-vigilance but about healing beliefs, past wounds, and relational secrets at their core.
• Radical, unreserved honesty in your marriage brings true safety and intimacy.
• You can build a life so fulfilling that addiction becomes not just unappealing, but obsolete.
• Freedom is possible—and it looks and feels lighter, fuller, and more connected than most people imagine.

For deeper engagement, explore their “Grounded Intimacy” couples program or Brandon’s Grounded Nation men’s community (links in show notes).