The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos

Special Episode: From Decoding Women’s Health: Decoding Happiness in Midlife

Date: December 30, 2025
Host: Dr. Elizabeth Poynter
Guest: Dr. Laurie Santos, Yale Professor & Host of The Happiness Lab
Podcast Network: Pushkin Industries

Overview

This episode is a crossover between "The Happiness Lab" and "Decoding Women's Health," where Dr. Laurie Santos, a leading expert on the psychology of happiness, joins Dr. Elizabeth Poynter to focus on happiness in midlife—particularly for women. Blending science, stories, and practical advice, the discussion explores why midlife is often a low point for happiness, debunks common myths about what makes us happy, and offers research-backed strategies for increasing wellbeing despite the unique challenges of this life stage.

Main Topics & Detailed Insights

1. Introduction: Why Talk About Happiness in Midlife?

[04:06] Dr. Laurie Santos:

• Midlife presents structural challenges (career stress, childcare, aging parents).
• Many difficulties are compounded by high personal standards and societal expectations.

[04:26] Dr. Elizabeth Poynter:

• Midlife is as much about opportunity as it is about difficulty: deeper relationships, newfound confidence, and a stronger sense of self can emerge—if we have the right tools.

2. The Science of Happiness: Definitions and Myths

[05:47] Dr. Laurie Santos:

• Santos’s journey from evolutionary psychology to happiness studies began when she became head of college at Yale, witnessing firsthand the student mental health crisis.
• Her popular Yale course "Psychology and the Good Life" aimed at teaching practical strategies to improve happiness.

[08:58] Dr. Laurie Santos:

• Happiness is uniquely low across all age groups in the U.S., not just among students.
• Historically, happiness follows a U-shaped curve: high in youth, dips in midlife, rises again in later life. Recent data suggests overall happiness is trending down across all ages.

[10:44] What is Happiness?

• Happiness has two main components:
  1. Affective / Emotional: How you feel in your life—joy, satisfaction, positive emotions.
  2. Cognitive / Reflective: How you think about your life—satisfaction, purpose, meaning.
• Being happy is about both pleasure and purpose, not just fleeting good feelings or “hedonic” experiences.

Notable Quote:
"Just focusing on the hedonic parts of happiness isn’t necessarily a recipe for getting the bigger cognitive parts of happiness."
— Dr. Laurie Santos, [12:43]

3. Misconceptions: Why Our Minds Lie About What Makes Us Happy

[13:17] Dr. Laurie Santos:

• We wrongly assume more money or success will make us much happier.
• Arrival fallacy: We think achieving a big goal will grant lasting happiness, but the boost is usually small and short-lived.

Notable Quote:
“Happily ever after only works if you have three minutes to live.”
— Dr. Laurie Santos quoting Dan Gilbert, [15:00]

4. What Actually Makes Us Happy? (Evidence-Based Strategies)

[20:58] Dr. Laurie Santos:
Research shows we can influence our own happiness—primarily through behavioral and mindset shifts.

A. Behavioral Strategies

• Social Connection:
  • Multiple studies show the happiest people spend more time with others and prioritize family and friends.
• Other-Focused Acts:
  • Spending time/money on others brings more happiness than spending it on oneself.
• Healthy Habits:
  • Exercise (even moderate) and sleep are critical and strongly tied to wellbeing.
• Time Affluence:
  • Feeling “wealthy” in time is a major predictor of happiness; subjective perception of free time is more important than actual hours.
  • Buying back time is a smart investment—pay for help with chores, outsource what you can.

Notable Story:
Dr. Santos gave her students a surprise "free class," resulting in a student bursting into tears with gratitude, underscoring the preciousness of unscheduled time. [24:10]

B. Mindset Strategies

• Self-Compassion:
  • Acknowledge the universal difficulty of midlife. "Give yourself some grace."
  • Set more forgiving standards for yourself.

[33:32] Dr. Laurie Santos:

• To get “unstuck,” start with tiny steps, not perfection. For example, reach out to just one friend.

5. Overcoming Midlife Challenges

[26:29] Dr. Laurie Santos:

• Midlife is typically the bottom of the U-curve; loneliness and overwhelm are rampant due to life and career pressures.
• It’s normal to feel less happy in midlife compared to younger years; self-compassion is crucial.

[27:47] Recognizing When to Seek Help:

• Everyday overwhelm is different from clinical depression or acute anxiety.
• If experiencing severe symptoms, professional help—not just lifestyle tweaks—is necessary.

6. Building Community—Modern Third Spaces & “Scruffy Hospitality”

[29:01] Dr. Laurie Santos:

• With traditional "third spaces" (church, community centers) declining, creating or finding new ones is essential.
• Third spaces work best when connection is in real time—not just digital.
• “Scruffy hospitality”: Don’t aim for perfection when hosting or seeking connection; be real, invite people in, and don’t worry about the messy house.

Notable Quotes:
"People will start doing that back to you... you just have to wave first."
— Dr. Laurie Santos, [32:10]
"We’re not as annoying as we assume. People like that more than you think."
— Dr. Laurie Santos, on social biases that prevent connection, [33:20]

7. Negative Emotions and Burnout: Embracing, Not Denying

[41:07] Dr. Laurie Santos:

• Negative emotions are essential evolutionary signals—like your car’s dashboard warning lights.
• Suppressing sadness or overwhelm leads to bigger problems (burnout, health issues).

“RAIN” Meditation Practice (Coping with Negative Emotions)

[44:00] Dr. Laurie Santos:

• Recognize: Name the emotion specifically (“I’m overwhelmed and frustrated”)

• Allow: Permit the emotion to be present

• Investigate: Notice how it feels in the body

• Nurture: Ask what you know you need to care for yourself

• Journaling and mindfulness practices also help process and normalize emotional states.

• Burnout is marked by:

  1. Emotional exhaustion
  2. Cynicism/depersonalization
  3. Personal ineffectiveness/loss of meaning

• When burnout symptoms strike, “they don’t go away unless you deal with them.” [54:12]

8. Finding Purpose & Signature Strengths

[56:41] Dr. Laurie Santos:

• Defining your core values and identifying "signature strengths" can boost both happiness and resilience against burnout.
• Purpose isn’t about grand meaning; it comes from “moment making”—actions in line with your values, no matter how small.

Notable Quote:
"Meaning making, we should often think of as almost like moment making."
— Dr. Laurie Santos, [57:53]

Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• Myth-busting:
  "Getting more money won’t make you as happy as you think." — Dr. Laurie Santos [13:45]

• Time Wealth:
  “Feeling wealthy in time really does matter...Feeling time famished is as big a hit to well-being as being unemployed.” — Dr. Laurie Santos [21:54]

• “Scruffy hospitality”:
  “We build these third spaces by not going to clean the house, not going to worry about it. We’re just going to have people over and connect.” — Dr. Laurie Santos [30:30]

• On pushing past social fears:
  “Everybody waves back, but you have to be the one who waves first.” — Dr. Laurie Santos [32:10]

• Negative emotions as signals:
  “Those negative emotions—overwhelm, sadness, anger—are dashboard lights. Sometimes you need to get some stuff off your plate.” — Dr. Laurie Santos [41:36]

• On self-compassion and high standards:
  “A lot of what makes midlife hard is that we have very high standards for ourselves. The world has standards, but sometimes we are worse than the world.” — Dr. Laurie Santos [35:18]

Actionable Takeaways

• Prioritize real-time, in-person social connections—even if imperfect.
• Schedule blocks of free time (“time affluence”) and consider spending money to “buy back” time.
• Give yourself compassion and don’t expect perfection—start with small steps.
• View negative emotions as useful signals, not something to be suppressed. Use practical mindfulness, journaling, or the RAIN method to process them.
• Identify and activate your core values and signature strengths in daily life.
• Recognize burnout early and recalibrate workload or refocus on personal values where possible.

Final Thoughts

• Midlife is hard for everyone, but happiness is possible through intention, scientifically grounded habits, and self-kindness.
• “Happiness isn’t about avoiding hard feelings or achieving external success—it’s about connection, purpose, and being gentle with yourself on the journey.”

For further strategies and research, follow Dr. Laurie Santos’s work and consider taking a signature strengths test online as suggested during the episode.