The Happiness Lab: Getting Unstuck Episode: How to Bounce Back from Life’s Curveballs (with Dr. Maya Shankar)
Host: Dr. Laurie Santos
Guest: Dr. Maya Shankar
Release Date: January 12, 2026
Podcast Network: Pushkin Industries

Episode Overview

In this insightful episode, Dr. Laurie Santos welcomes cognitive scientist Dr. Maya Shankar to discuss how people can cope with and even grow from unexpected changes. Drawing on Maya’s new book The Other Side of Change and her own lived experience—including a career-ending injury as a teen violinist—the conversation explores how change, often feared and resisted, can actually reveal new facets of identity and lead to personal transformation. Together, Laurie and Maya break down the psychology of why change feels so destabilizing, offer practical tools for navigating difficult transitions, and share personal and scientific insights for getting “unstuck” after life’s curveballs.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why We Fear Change: The Roots of Feeling Stuck

• Uncertainty and Loss:
  Change brings uncertainty, which the human brain is wired to dislike.
  • “People are more stressed when they're told they have a 50% chance of receiving an electric shock than when they're told they have a 100% chance.” — Dr. Maya Shankar (04:07)
• Threat to Identity:
  Change often means grieving the loss of an identity or role that once defined us.
  • “I was grieving not just the loss of the instrument, but also the loss of myself.” — Dr. Maya Shankar on losing her career as a violinist (07:17)

2. The Illusion of Control & Facing Life’s Anvils

• Many overestimate how much they can control, which is adaptive but fragile.
• When big, negative change happens, this illusion shatters, forcing us to confront life’s unpredictability.
  • “We overestimate our degree to influence outcomes in our lives...” — Dr. Maya Shankar (08:11)

3. The 'End of History Illusion' and Personal Evolution

• Most people underestimate how much they will continue to change in the future, despite seeing great change in the past.
  • “Researchers... say something like, people regard the present day moment as this watershed moment in which they become the person they will be for the rest of their lives.” — Dr. Maya Shankar (09:53)

4. Change as Transformation

• Significant disruptions catalyze internal transformation and can uncover hidden abilities, strengths, and perspectives.
  • “When a big change happens to us, it can also lead to profound change within us.” — Dr. Maya Shankar (10:44)
• Change is revelation, not just destruction; it reveals new parts of ourselves.

5. Practical Strategies for Navigating Change

a. Self-Affirmation Exercises (16:16)

• Focus on aspects of yourself not affected by the change to reduce threat and keep perspective.
  • “If I'm facing a really unexpected, really destabilizing change, reminding myself of all the other things that constitute my identity can be really grounding and affirming.” — Dr. Maya Shankar (17:07)
• Notable Example: After a devastating pregnancy loss, Maya’s husband led her to name things she was grateful for, which helped her regain perspective and emotional balance.
  • “I was able to zoom out on my life… there were so many other rich identities that I found meaning in…” (18:47)

b. Exploring 'Possible Selves' (19:58)

• Consciously imagine a broader array of futures for yourself—including hopes, fears, and expectations—to see beyond current limitations.
• Minds often constrain us unnecessarily, and it's important to challenge those constraints.

c. Techniques for Expanding 'Possible Selves'

• Moral Elevation: Witnessing others' extraordinary acts broadens our sense of what’s possible for ourselves.
• Surrounding Yourself with New Ideas:
  Open yourself to new information, skills, and people to discover unknown facets of identity.
  • “You've been wearing blinders for the last 10 years. Watch documentaries, read articles, have as many conversations as you can…” — advice from Maya’s father (25:10)
• Define Not Just What You Do, But Why:
  Focus on the motivations and values behind your passions, which can be expressed in many ways.
  • “When you anchor your identity to those things...then the exercise simply becomes, well, through what other outlets can I express these parts of myself?” (27:31)

d. Addressing Tough Emotions: Self-Compassion & Rumination (29:08 onwards)

• Self-Compassion:
  Recognize suffering as a shared human experience; write to yourself with kindness and objectively acknowledge your feelings.
  • “If you feel that you are unworthy of compassion, if you feel you are truly irredeemable, that is a permanent feeling of stuckness.” — Dr. Maya Shankar (29:54)
• Volunteering/Helping Others:
  Seeing your positive impact on others is a powerful way to combat shame and self-criticism.

e. Combating Rumination & Negative Thought Loops

• Experiencing Awe:
  Awe experiences shrink self-focus and put problems in perspective.
  • “When we experience awe...it allows us to step outside of ourselves, to step outside of our individual needs and wants and anxieties…” (34:08)
• Affect Labeling:
  Specifically naming your feelings creates distance from them, shifting from “I am anxious” to “I’m experiencing anxiety.”
• Mental Time Travel/Distancing:
  Imagine how you’ll feel about the issue in 5 hours, days, or years; coach yourself as you’d advise a friend.
• Building Tolerance for Uncertainty:
  Not every outcome can be understood or controlled; learning to accept ambiguity leads to less rumination and more peace.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “We would rather be certain that a bad thing is gonna happen than to have to grapple with any uncertainty.” — Dr. Maya Shankar (04:05)
• “I think sometimes we don't realize how much something defines us until we lose it, until it's taken away from us.” — Dr. Maya Shankar (07:25)
• “Change can involve a threat to our sense of identity. And I think that is the most destabilizing thing.” — Dr. Maya Shankar (04:37)
• “When a person's extraordinary actions challenge our understanding of the world...it actually cracks open our imagination of who we can be.” — Dr. Maya Shankar on 'moral elevation' (23:13)
• “Not everything happens for a reason. Some things happen just because. But it is so easy still to engage in a lot of self-blame.” — Dr. Maya Shankar (30:21)
• “When you name your emotions, it...shifts your perspective away from being the emotion to simply having the emotion.” — Dr. Maya Shankar (37:13)

Important Timestamps

• 02:17 – Introduction to theme: why we associate happiness with chosen changes and overlook coping with unchosen ones
• 03:13 – Dr. Maya Shankar introduction; her backstory as violin prodigy and experience with sudden, identity-altering injury
• 08:00 – “Illusion of control” discussion: why setbacks feel so destabilizing
• 09:21 – The “end of history illusion” and how we misjudge our capacity for future change
• 16:16 – Self-affirmation as a strategy for resilience
• 19:58 – Imagining multiple “possible selves” for renewal post-change
• 23:13 – ‘Moral elevation’ as a catalyst for new self-concepts
• 29:08 – Self-compassion as a method to counter self-blame
• 33:19 – Awe: breaking the rumination cycle
• 36:37 – Labeling emotions (“affect labeling”) for psychological distancing
• 37:49 – Mental ‘time travel’ and self-distancing to release emotional grip
• 39:49 – Accepting uncertainty as a long-term route to peace and adaptability
• 41:36 – Laurie’s closing: “Unexpected changes can leave us feeling stuck, but there are also opportunities...change changes you.”

Episode Takeaways

• Change is inherently unsettling—even positive change—because it disrupts identity and certainty.
• Growth from unexpected change is possible and often uncovers hidden strengths or dreams.
• Practical strategies such as self-affirmation, imagining new possible selves, and practicing self-compassion equip us to get “unstuck.”
• Cultivating awe and labelling emotions can break harmful rumination cycles and restore perspective.
• Learning to tolerate uncertainty, rather than resist it, is key to both happiness and resilience in the face of life's curveballs.

Recommended Next Episode: Dr. Laurie Santos will discuss with David Brooks how character and social connection facilitate moving forward after setbacks.

For anyone struggling with unanticipated life changes, this episode delivers actionable strategies, relatable stories, and scientific insights in a warm, optimistic tone. Dr. Maya Shankar’s vulnerability and expertise, paired with Dr. Laurie Santos’ thoughtful hosting, provide a compassionate guide to bouncing back when life doesn’t go to plan.