Twelve Sayings That Could Change Your Life

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos – "Twelve Sayings That Could Change Your Life"

Episode Overview In the March 31, 2025 episode of The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos, host Lori Santos is joined by bestselling author and happiness expert Gretchen Rubin. The episode delves into Rubin's latest work, Secrets of Adulthood, where she presents twelve impactful aphorisms designed to enhance personal happiness and effectiveness in daily life. The conversation explores the origins, meanings, and applications of these sayings, providing listeners with actionable insights grounded in psychological research.

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Introduction to Gretchen Rubin and Secrets of Adulthood

[07:19] Gretchen Rubin:
Gretchen Rubin is introduced as a best-selling author, podcast host, and a renowned expert in happiness. She has garnered acclaim for her ability to distill complex life lessons into concise aphorisms—short, memorable sayings that encapsulate profound truths about human behavior and well-being. Her new book, Secrets of Adulthood, compiles over 200 of these aphorisms, each aiming to offer practical guidance for navigating the challenges of modern adulthood.

[11:40] Gretchen Rubin:
Rubin emphasizes the power of aphorisms in capturing essential life lessons succinctly, making them easily memorable and applicable. She explains the creative process behind crafting these sayings, highlighting the balance between clarifying deep insights and maintaining brevity.

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Exploring the Twelve Aphorisms

1. Happiness Doesn't Always Make Us Feel Happy

[11:56] Lori Santos:
Lori introduces the first aphorism, which challenges the conventional understanding of happiness by asserting that happiness doesn't always equate to feeling happy.

[12:06] Gretchen Rubin:
Rubin elaborates on this paradox, explaining that actions aligned with personal values can lead to long-term happiness even if they aren't immediately enjoyable. She uses the example of visiting an estranged parent in the hospital: such actions may be stressful but ultimately fulfilling.

[13:05] Lori Santos:
Lori connects this idea to Sonja Lyubomirsky's two components of happiness: hedonic happiness (momentary positive emotions) and eudaimonic happiness (satisfaction with life). She explains that activities promoting eudaimonic happiness might not always boost momentary feelings.

Notable Quote:
"Happiness doesn't always make us feel happier." — Gretchen Rubin [11:56]

2. We Care for Many People We Don't Particularly Care For

[14:10] Gretchen Rubin:
Rubin discusses how caring doesn't always align with personal affinity. She highlights that many of us care for individuals we might not particularly like, such as colleagues, estranged family members, or students who challenge us.

[15:14] Lori Santos:
Lori reflects on personal experiences, such as teaching, where care for students persists despite frustration. She underscores the idea that caring can motivate perseverance even in difficult relationships.

Notable Quote:
"We care for many people we don't particularly care for." — Gretchen Rubin [14:10]

3. Repeatedly Rehearsing Disaster Doesn't Protect Us from It

[16:37] Lori Santos:
Introduces the third aphorism focusing on the futility of rumination—repeatedly anticipating negative outcomes without proactive problem-solving.

[16:51] Gretchen Rubin:
Rubin offers strategies to combat rumination, such as making lists to offload persistent worries and reframing negative thoughts. She emphasizes that overthinking often serves as protective magic without real efficacy.

Notable Quote:
"Repeatedly rehearsing disaster doesn't protect us from it." — Gretchen Rubin [16:37]

4. One Day Now Will Be a Long Time Ago

[18:35] Gretchen Rubin:
This aphorism highlights the importance of appreciating the present and recognizing the ephemeral nature of current struggles. It encourages savoring moments while maintaining perspective on their transient nature.

[19:15] Lori Santos:
Lori connects this to distant self-talk, where projecting oneself into the future can alleviate present anxiety, and vice versa, fostering a balanced appreciation for the present.

Notable Quote:
"One day now will be a long time ago." — Gretchen Rubin [18:35]

5. By Changing Our Words, We Can Change Our Perspective

[19:28] Lori Santos:
Focuses on the aphorism that emphasizes the power of language in shaping our perception. Changing how we phrase our experiences can significantly alter our emotional responses and attitudes.

[19:29] Gretchen Rubin:
Rubin agrees, discussing the concept of reframing. She provides examples like changing "Do you have to do it?" to "Do you get to do it?" to shift perspective and enhance positivity.

[21:07] Lori Santos:
Lori adds that using nouns instead of verbs (e.g., "I am a healthy eater" vs. "I'm trying to eat healthy") can solidify positive identities and reinforce behavioral change.

Notable Quote:
"By changing our words, we can change our perspective." — Gretchen Rubin [19:28]

6. Accept Yourself and Expect More from Yourself

[21:35] Gretchen Rubin:
Rubin explains the balance between self-acceptance and self-improvement. She notes that while it's essential to accept oneself, it's equally important to set higher expectations to foster growth and fulfillment.

[23:12] Lori Santos:
Lori discusses the importance of self-compassion and self-nudging, drawing on strategies like talking to oneself as a supportive friend to find the right balance between acceptance and aspiration.

Notable Quote:
"Accept yourself and expect more from yourself." — Gretchen Rubin [21:35]

7. Good Intentions Mean Nothing Unless They Inspire Practical Actions

[27:25] Gretchen Rubin:
Emphasizes that intentions alone are insufficient for meaningful change. Only when intentions translate into tangible actions do they hold value and drive progress.

[27:51] Lori Santos:
Lori highlights the necessity of practicality in setting intentions, ensuring that actions are realistic and aligned with one's lifestyle to avoid feelings of being overwhelmed or discouraged.

Notable Quote:
"Good intentions mean nothing unless they inspire practical actions." — Gretchen Rubin [27:25]

8. Don't Expect to Be Motivated by Motivation

[28:22] Lori Santos:
Introduces the idea that relying solely on motivation is ineffective for sustained action, particularly for challenging tasks.

[28:25] Gretchen Rubin:
Rubin agrees, suggesting that motivation is often a vague and unreliable driver. Instead, she advocates for other strategies to achieve goals without depending on fluctuating motivation levels.

Notable Quote:
"Don't expect to be motivated by motivation." — Gretchen Rubin [28:22]

9. One of the Best Uses of Willpower is to Avoid Situations That Require Willpower

[29:46] Lori Santos:
Explores how environment design can reduce the need for willpower by eliminating temptations or obstacles that require constant self-control.

[30:08] Gretchen Rubin:
Rubin shares personal anecdotes, such as eliminating sugar from her household to avoid the temptation, thereby conserving willpower for more significant challenges.

Notable Quote:
"One of the best uses of willpower is to avoid situations that require willpower." — Gretchen Rubin [29:46]

10. Focus on Actions, Not Outcomes

[30:54] Gretchen Rubin:
Encourages listeners to concentrate on actionable steps rather than being fixated on distant outcomes. This approach fosters a sense of accomplishment and progress.

[33:06] Lori Santos:
Lori connects this aphorism to the concept of SMART goals, which are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound. Focusing on immediate actions ensures consistent progress toward broader goals.

Notable Quote:
"Focus on actions, not outcomes." — Gretchen Rubin [30:54]

11. Sometimes to Keep Going, We Need to Allow Ourselves to Stop

[35:17] Lori Santos:
Highlights the importance of rest and pause as essential components of sustained productivity and well-being.

[35:18] Gretchen Rubin:
Rubin concurs, emphasizing that adequate rest can prevent burnout and enhance overall performance. She advocates for listening to one's body and mind, allowing for necessary breaks.

Notable Quote:
"Sometimes to keep going, we need to allow ourselves to stop." — Gretchen Rubin [35:17]

12. Things Often Get Messier Before They Get Tidier

[35:29] Lori Santos:
Discusses how initial chaos often precedes improvement and resolution in both physical environments and personal circumstances.

[36:03] Gretchen Rubin:
Rubin agrees, illustrating that processes like career changes or relationship repairs may entail temporary disorder before achieving clarity and stability.

Notable Quote:
"Things often get messier before they get tidier." — Gretchen Rubin [35:29]

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Strategies and Applications

Throughout the episode, Gretchen Rubin and Lori Santos intertwine each aphorism with practical strategies and real-life applications:

• Reframing Thoughts: Changing language to shift perspectives, such as viewing obligations as privileges.

• Environmental Design: Structuring environments to minimize temptations, thereby reducing the reliance on willpower.

• Self-Compassion: Balancing self-acceptance with the desire for personal growth through empathetic self-talk.

• Action-Oriented Goals: Setting specific, actionable steps that lead toward broader objectives, enhancing motivation and progress.

• Rest and Recovery: Recognizing the value of pauses and sleep in maintaining long-term productivity and happiness.

• Embracing Temporary Chaos: Accepting that periods of disorder can lead to eventual improvement and clarity.

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Conclusion and Future Episodes

[37:09] Gretchen Rubin:
Rubin recaps her twelve favorite aphorisms, reinforcing their significance in promoting happiness and effective living. She invites listeners to explore more of her insights through her website and book.

[37:17] Lori Santos:
Lori expresses enthusiasm for the impactful aphorisms and hints at future discussions, including a friendship roundtable in upcoming episodes, promising continued exploration of happiness and personal development topics.

[37:32] Gretchen Rubin:
Provides directions for listeners to access more content, including sections on her website dedicated to excerpts and purchasing options.

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Key Takeaways:

• Aphorisms as Tools for Growth: Succinct sayings can encapsulate profound life lessons, making them accessible and actionable.
• Balanced Happiness: True happiness encompasses both momentary joys and long-term satisfaction aligned with personal values.
• Practical Action Over Intentions: Translating good intentions into specific actions is crucial for meaningful progress.
• Environmental and Social Strategies: Structuring environments and relationships can significantly reduce reliance on willpower and enhance goal attainment.
• Embracing Paradoxes: Accepting complex truths, such as the need for self-acceptance alongside self-improvement, fosters a more nuanced approach to personal development.

This episode serves as a comprehensive guide to leveraging Gretchen Rubin's aphorisms for enhanced happiness and effectiveness, offering listeners both theoretical insights and practical strategies to implement in their daily lives.

Transcript

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[Katie Milkman]

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[Gretchen Rubin]

When we think about the factors that affect our happiness, we often focus on the big stuff. Things like finding the perfect relationship or doing work that gives us a sense of purpose. But we often forget that the little things can matter a lot too. A well timed joke, a touching song lyric, and especially a memorable quote. These are the sorts of things that can instantly lift our spirits and even help us tackle tough problems. And there are few people who understand that better than this episode's special guest.

So I'm Gretchen Rubin. I am so happy to be talking to you today.

Gretchen is a best selling authority, the acclaimed host of the podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin and one of my favorite experts on the nuances of human nature. Gretchen has just released a new book entitled Secrets of Adulthood. In it, Gretchen offers her readers practical insights for navigating the daily challenges that come with being a functional grownup in the modern world. But Gretchen manages to share these helpful insights in a truly creative way. She distills more than 200 complex life lessons into short, concise aphorisms. Short, punchy sayings that manage to pack.

[Chrissy Teigen]

A whole lot of wisdom into just a few words.

[Lori Santos]

So tell me the origin story of this book, because it seemed like it had, you know, a few threads of how you got to it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Exactly. There were a couple things that came together. One is, I am a writer, and I do feel that sometimes an idea, maybe just one sentence will cross our path and suddenly we see the way forward, or suddenly we have insight into a situation in a way that's really illuminating. And I had really been pushing myself over the years to write aphoristically, meaning trying to convey big ideas in a short sentence. And then also I was feeling like, okay, there are these insights that I'm gaining, and I wanted to be able to share them with other people. So I really set myself the aim of trying to write these and gather these.

[Lori Santos]

But you did this in the form of these aphorisms. So what is an aphorism?

[Gretchen Rubin]

We all know proverbs, and a proverb is like a piece of folk wisdom. Like a stumble may prevent a fall. Like, nobody's associated with that. That's just like a thing we all say. And then an aphorism is when somebody says something like Mark Twain said it. Marcus Aurelius or Montaigne. One of the biggest challenges is pronouncing everybody's name. Lilia Siris and all that. My own favorite afores is Marie von Ibn Eschenbach, who nobody else remembers. But I'm going to try to bring her back into fashion because I love hers. So, like, one of her aphorisms that I love is, you can fall so fast you think you're flying.

[Lori Santos]

Oh, that's like.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. It's like, whoa. But so she said that. So that's an aphorism, because we attribute that to her. She said it in that way. Now, one of the things that aphorism, and you know this from studying happiness, all of the most important insights are too important to be true. If there's some fresh insight, you're like, that's probably wrong, because we've been studying this for thousands of years. The greatest minds in history have been looking at this. But people say it in a fresh way, or they have a new metaphor, or they say it in a way that particularly resonates with a particular person. So a lot of times it's finding that fresh way to convey an insight. It's creatively exciting. You know, it's like writing a haiku or doing a 30 minute sitcom. It sparks your creativity to have a constraint. And it also really forced my thinking to clarify. First I had to understand it, then I had to whittle it down. So it was very creatively interesting in that way. And I wanted ones that were truly secrets of adulthood where I felt like there was some insight about, like, making a decision or ending procrastination or dealing with relationships. And then there were some that I just couldn't manage to articulate in an interesting short way. And so some I wasn't able to crack the code. But in the end, I was really. There was sort of a clear set that I felt really rose to the level that I wanted the book to be. But I still look at all the other ones, too. I'm always, like, going in there and tinkering with them.

[Lori Santos]

So I feel like there's room for a challenge of one you couldn't get there. Right. Words for we to post it online and see if somebody can come up with a good short saying for, oh.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That'S a good idea. Like, say this in a more elegant way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I should go through and look for some of my clunkers and see if somebody can crack it.

[Lori Santos]

As you're talking about this, it seems like aphorisms are really cool. Like, it seems like the kind of thing we might see, like, as a little Pinterest meme.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Lori Santos]

But it also feels kind of like old school.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Lori Santos]

Aphorists you mentioned feel like they were around in ancient times. Like, you're one of the only people I know who's writing aphorisms today. And so am I wrong? Are they kind of old school?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Are you bringing them back?

[Lori Santos]

Like, what's the goal?

[Gretchen Rubin]

A little bit of both. There are modern aphorists like Sarah Manguso, who's writing today, and there are some other ones. Warren Buffett is a great aphorist. But you're right, it's a very ancient form that stretches back. And it's funny because on the one hand, you're like, oh, this short form really lends itself to something like Instagram. But on the other hand, they really kind of take a lot of thought often. And so kind of in their worst form, they're like the inspirational poster you see in dentist's office. And at the best, they're ones where you're really, you know, pondering, I feel like, the real advantages, because they're short and they're sort of memorable. They're easier to draw into the mind because, you know, a lot of times we just don't think of the things that would be useful for us to remember. So when it's easier to think about or remember, like you put it on an index card and stick it on your cork board or whatever, it just can have more power. And so I do think it's fun that they lend themselves short form, but they are often kind of weightier than they seem. Or, you know, they need some reflection.

[Lori Santos]

One of the things I found kind of surprising was how many of the aphorisms in your book are actually paradoxes in their own way. They kind of like tell you both things at once, which I was like, huh? Like they're kind of philosophically deeper than I was sort of expecting.

[Gretchen Rubin]

No, I'm very. I have a whole section just on paradoxes. And a lot of times the opposite of a profound truth is also true. And paradoxes are interesting because they really make us step back. They surprise us. Like, I think one of my favorite book titles of all time is All Joy and no Fun, which is Jennifer Sr's book about parenting. It just makes you step back and think like, wow, what does she mean by that? And then you're immediately full of ideas of your own and then kind of wanting to know what she's saying about it because that paradox is so compelling.

[Lori Santos]

I think also the confusion and the surprise of those paradoxes gets us to reflect a little bit more. Like they're these short statements. But I found myself, even after reading your book, walking around with some of them and like thinking about them a little bit more and stuff.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Because some of these I think people will disagree with. And that's okay because again, it's to prompt your own reflection and your own insight.

[Lori Santos]

And so you've collected a whole set of these for problems as diverse as feeling happier, making tough decisions, handling temptations, even housekeeping. When we get back from the break, Jake, I'm going to chat with you about my top 12 from your book.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I cannot wait.

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[Gretchen Rubin]

Author, podcaster and happiness expert Gretchen Rubin has a gift for crafting clever aphorisms, short, powerful sayings that capture life's truths in a memorable way. Her new book, Secrets of Adulthood, is packed with these insightful one liners, and.

[Chrissy Teigen]

Today we're diving into my top 12.

[Lori Santos]

My first of my favorite 12 aphorisms in the book is one that's about happiness. It is the aphorism happiness doesn't always make us feel happy.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay, so you're the perfect person to talk about this because you approach this scientifically. Now, approaching this scientifically, you cannot say that because you have to say I have to define what happiness is and what happiness isn't. And so this kind of paradoxical statement is not true. But I think for the layperson and the way the ordinary person uses the term happiness, I think that it is true because sometimes we do things that make us feel happy, but that also make us feel unhappy or make us feel bad because they're part of living up to our values. And I always think of the person who goes to visit an estranged parent in the hospital and they don't want to go and they don't enjoy going there, and they dread it, but still they go. Because in the end, it's still your father. You're putting your values into the world, you're doing what's right, and so you're happy even though you don't feel happy. And so happiness doesn't always make us feel happier. I think sometimes people get confused thinking, well, if I live a happy life, I'm gonna score 10 on the one to 10 scale. And that's not realistic and it's not even a good life. So that's what I was trying to capture with that.

[Lori Santos]

No, I love this. It actually fits with what researcher Sonja Ly Bermersky calls two parts of happiness. She says happiness is about being happy in your life and with your life. And I think the, like, feeling happy part is the happiness in your life. It's like your sense of positive emotion and a lack of negative emotion.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, exactly.

[Lori Santos]

But being happy with your life is the happiness part in the aphorism. It's kind of the overall living up to your values, having a life of flourishing. And Sonia's the one of the first to point out that those things don't always go together. That, like the things that make you feel hedonically happy and experience lots of positive emotions might make you feel empty when it comes to how you're thinking about your life and vice versa. Visiting a family member who's terminally ill, that might not feel great in the moment, it might feel terrible, but ultimately, it's kind of getting you towards a life of true happiness and flourishing.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, and I think this explains a lot of what some people think is sort of a paradoxical thing about children, where people are like. If you look at people's happiness when they're children, well, a lot of times they're not very happy. They're annoyed, they're stressed out. But then if you say, what makes you happy? People say, my children make me happy. And it's like. Because happiness doesn't always make us feel happy.

[Lori Santos]

Okay, so can I do another way that happiness doesn't always make us feel happy?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Absolutely.

[Lori Santos]

I think this is a deep way of conveying this idea of hedonic adaptation, the fact that we get used to stuff.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Ooh, I hadn't thought of it that way.

[Lori Santos]

Yeah. You know, so you hit the lottery, you get married, you get the promotion.

[Gretchen Rubin]

At work, you get air conditioning, you get elevators.

[Lori Santos]

Right. And you have this moment of this awesome thing comes in, and you think, this is gonna make me feel happier, but then you don't actually feel as happy as you think.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Interesting. Lori. I have to say, I never thought of that myself, even though I wrote it. So. See, you're already taking me deeper. I love it. That's a whole different way of interpreting it.

[Lori Santos]

Okay, so now we go into aphorism number two about the social world. This one rang deep for me. We care for many people we don't particularly care for. I care for so many people I don't particularly care for.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And that's one thing where just reading it, you're like, yeah. Because sometimes I think people are confused, like, why is this person in my life if I don't really enjoy their company? Or we don't have anything in common, or, you know, all we have is our childhood, and it's like, but we care for many people we don't particularly care for.

[Lori Santos]

Yeah, I'm feeling this right now because we just had a midterm for my happiness class that I teach at Yale, and the students totally bomb the midterm. And I'm kind of both annoyed. I'm mad at them, like, why didn't you study? Why didn't you get it? But also, like, I want them to learn. I'm going to put lots of effort into kind of helping them. And I feel like this happens so much in so many of Our caregiving roles. I think of teachers being partly a caregiver, but, you know, when we're doing elder care, you might be caring for a parent who has such dementia. You don't even connect with them or relate to them. They don't even know who you are, but you care for them. You know, your kids can be incredibly frustrating and drive you crazy. You're not caring for them in that moment, yet you are caring for them. So.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And I think when you say something in a really concise way, it kind of allows more interpretation because less is spelled out, more can be put in.

[Lori Santos]

Yeah. And I think with this one, it reminds me that the frustration, the fact that I'm feeling so upset about kind of putting the time in is because I care for them. It almost let me, like, take a breath back of like, oh, it's because I love my students. It's because I love these people that I'm putting time into. So.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. The reason you're so annoyed is because you do care for them.

[Lori Santos]

Yeah. Okay. That's the social world. I had a bunch that I loved that were basically aphorisms about self talk strategies. I don't know if you think of them that way, but that's how I thought of it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I don't. So I'm intrigued to hear what that is.

[Lori Santos]

So number three, repeatedly rehearsing disaster doesn't protect us from it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Lori Santos]

This one was one that I needed to hear because I am someone who repeatedly rehearses disaster a lot inside my head. I'm curious some of your favorite strategies to nip that rehearsing of terrible things in the bud.

[Gretchen Rubin]

One of the things I like to do is to make a list, because I feel like part of why I ruminate is just my brain is like, don't forget, don't forget, don't forget, don't forget. And if I write it down, then I'm like, okay, it's memorialized somewhere, and so my brain can let go of it. Then I do that whole thing about, like, well, what's the worst that can happen? Like, the worst that could happen is like, I miss my flight. Okay, then what would happen? Well, I'm in the Denver Airport. There's a lot of flights to the East Coast. Like, it wouldn't be that bad. I'm not traveling with a toddler, so it could be worse. And also just reminding myself that I think sometimes we fall into this kind of superstitious belief that if we really rehearse something, we kind of will offset it. It's Sort of protective magic. And that just isn't the case. I mean, it's one thing to be prepared for something like, I live in Los Angeles, I'm gonna have my go bag ready. But if I'm just constantly going over and over in my mind, then that's not doing anything. There is no protective magic that I'm invoking.

[Lori Santos]

Yeah. One of my favorite studies to share with my students is by my former Susan Nolan Huxema. And she has this study where she looks at the level of rumination that students go through either by kind of telling them to ruminate or just saying not to ruminate. It's like, think a lot about this or give yourself a strategy that whenever you start to ruminate, you do something else. Distract yourself. Right.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

[Lori Santos]

And what she finds is that the students in the rumination condition, they wound up actually performing worse on this problem. So the more they thought about it, the more anxious they got. But like, it didn't actually help them.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Solve the problem at all.

[Lori Santos]

They were better off when they just kind of distracted themselves from this thing that felt so scary. Right. Protect us from it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Then there's also scheduling time to worry where you. You're like, I'm going to worry about this from 3 to 3:30 tomorrow afternoon. And other than that, I'm not going to worry about it. That can work too sometimes.

[Lori Santos]

Okay, now getting to self talk strategy and aphorism number four. One day now will be a long time ago.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Lori Santos]

This hit me in two ways. One is it really brought up all the strategies that I talk with my colleague Ethan Cross about his idea of what's called distant self talk, that you sort of, you know, project yourself into the future. What's this gonna feel like 10 years from now? What's this gonna feel like five years from now? It's just not gonna feel that bad. But a second reason I love this strategy is sort of the reverse. Like one day now will be a long time ago. So you better appreciate the now now while you got it right. You have to savor the moment and notice what's going on. Because like, it's fleeting. It's going away really soon.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Exactly. Both are true. You wanna relish what there is, but then also remember that you can put things in perspective.

[Lori Santos]

Okay, that was number four. Now we get to number five. This one was like, really hit me in the like cognitive science soul because there's so many studies on this. Love this one. It is by changing our words, we can change our perspective.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Lori Santos]

So good.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I'm a Huge fan of reframing. It is bananas how much it matters, because I used to think, like, the situation is a situation, and like, you kind of can't change the situation just by the way that you talk about it. But in fact, it's wild to me how much a change. I mean, the classic example is, do you have to do it or do you get to do it?

[Lori Santos]

Yes.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That's huge. Do you play piano or practice piano? Do you have social time or do you network? There are so many ways where you can reframe something and really change your attitude toward it. I remember when my daughter was young, and when you have a newborn, you have to go to the pediatrician all the time. And I was complaining to my husband, oh, my God, you got all these doctor's appointments. Such a hassle. By chance, my in laws live right around the corner from us. I mean, right around the corner. You do not even cross the street. And he goes, oh, well, you know, call my mother. I bet she'd do it. And I was like, oh, no way. I want to be the one to do it. So I wanted to complain about it, but the minute somebody said, oh, you don't have to do it, I was like, no, no, no, no, no, I want to do it. And it just showed me how quickly you can reframe something.

[Lori Santos]

I also love it just like how the power of words and the way the words are structured can change our perspective. Like, there's some evidence, for example, that if you say, you use the example of if you say, oh, yeah, I play piano versus I'm a piano player, like, it completely changes your own identity about these things. So this is one I've been trying to use of, like, I am a healthy eater. Not, I'm trying to eat healthy. Like, I am a healthy eater. I've become this thing. But yeah, studies show that when we kind of use a noun to describe ourselves, I am a healthy eater, as opposed to, like, this active verb, I just eat healthy, it completely changes our relationship to those behaviors. It completely changes our habits.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. Like, what does a writer do? A writer writes. So you can't be a writer who, like, actually never writes, and you become a writer by writing.

[Lori Santos]

But sometimes we have these identities in our head when we don't act on them a lot. I know this is something you talk a lot about in your habit book, right?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Lori Santos]

Actually, putting it into practice is helpful. And if we can hack that with something as simple as changing the word we use, that's so easy, so powerful.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Absolutely.

[Lori Santos]

So that was number five. Now we get to number six. Self talk strategy. Accept yourself and expect more from yourself.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This took me a really long time to understand because on the one hand, you know, you know all the research about self compassion and self acceptance and that's clearly true. But on the other hand, it's also true that you don't want to be complacent. You want to be willing to put yourself out of your comfort zone. We're happier when we live in an atmosphere of growth, when we're growing, when we're learning, when we're changing, when we're making things better. And both are true. You can accept yourself and expect more from yourself. And each of us has to decide where that line is.

[Lori Santos]

Yeah. In some of your books we talk about just like being Gretchen. And I feel like this is kind of part and parcel about accept yourself but also expect more of yourself. You kind of want to get back to what's the authentically Gretchen thing to do. And sometimes that might be giving up whatever, you know, crazy plan you have to try to improve yourself. But sometimes being authentically you might be, no, I gotta like nudge myself a little bit further.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. And I think it's frustrating sometimes because it's really hard to know sometimes where the line is and nobody else can really answer that for you. It's sort of like, okay, well, meditation hasn't been going that well for me. Should I say, hey, meditation isn't a tool that works for me or should I stick with it and kind of only you can figure that out. It's just so hard to know ourselves. Right.

[Lori Santos]

And I think this is where these self compassion strategies can actually be helpful. You know, kristenff, who talks about self compassion, talks about talking to yourself like you would a friend sometimes for me, that strategy helps me kind of like toggle this line pretty well. Like if your friend is like kind of being a little lazy or not pushing themselves or if they're pushing themselves too hard, you can often see it with a friend of like, nah, I think you're being a little self indulgent. Let me kind of nudge you versus like you are taking on way too much. Like, give yourself some grace.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

[Lori Santos]

And so that idea of seeing yourself and talking to yourself like you would a friend, that at least for me, helps me get this right balance between accepting myself and expecting more of myself.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, it's funny, my sister calls me a happiness bully because if I think that there's a way for you to like push into that zone, I will often like be very enthusiastically encouraging you to do it.

[Lori Santos]

Slash bullying. Slash bullying.

[Gretchen Rubin]

No. You know, and then there's another aphorism, which is love is unconditional, but love is also demanding. Love loves you just as you are, and love expects the best from you. And so sometimes it's like, again, these lines can sometimes be difficult to see, and yet they're very, very important.

[Lori Santos]

And so we've gone through a bunch already, but when we get back from the break, we're gonna turn to some aphorisms about how to get stuff done and how to get through tough times. The Happiness Lab. We'll be right back.

[Katie Milkman]

The nationally ranked neuroscience center at Stanford Medicine Children's Health provides nurturing care for a full range of brain, spine, nerve and craniofacial disorders in infants, children and adolescents. Their physician scientists collaborate to advance treatments that allow them to successfully treat many children with complex cases that could not be resolved elsewhere. Their surgical facilities, among the most advanced in the country, empower their excellent multidisciplinary team to do their very best work for children. Through a blend of clinical expertise and individualized treatment plans, their experts help children reach their fullest potential. Learn [e-mail] As a happiness expert, I.

[Chrissy Teigen]

Know that mindfulness isn't just about meditation.

[Katie Milkman]

It's also about being present with your.

[Chrissy Teigen]

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[Katie Milkman]

New episodes drop each week.

[Chrissy Teigen]

Go to audible.com chrissy podcast or wherever you get your podcast and start listening today.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Today we're breaking down my favorite aphorisms in Gretchen Rubin's new book, Secrets of Adulthood. Before the break, we tackled Gretchen's quotes about happiness and self talk. Now we'll turn to Gretchen's observations about two problems that I struggle with a lot. Productivity and procrastination.

[Lori Santos]

Okay, Getting stuff done. I would expect nothing less from a Gretchen Rubin book than to tell me how to get stuff done in concise and clear ways. But I had three of them from the book that I really loved. The first was good intentions mean nothing unless they inspire practical actions. This is my like Achilles heel when it comes to being a happiness expert is like actually getting stuff done. I know all these things that I'm supposed to do, but it's really hard to put those things into action.

[Gretchen Rubin]

That is it, because it really doesn't matter what your good intentions are. And I think sometimes good intentions can even be draining and discouraging because if you keep making them and then they don't turn into practical actions, then they can kind of weigh you down. Whereas if you never thought about it at all, you would be skipping through your life not feeling like there was something you were leaving undone. So I just feel like it's really helpful to think like, well, I have to figure out a way to turn this into a practical action.

[Lori Santos]

And I love this idea of practical action because I think it reminds us not just good intentions mean nothing unless they inspire action. Throwing that practical word in there I think is helpful because it's like, it's gotta be practical. It can't be like, you know, I haven't exercised in the last three years and then tomorrow I'm gonna run a marathon. Has to actually fit your real life. It has to fit your boundary conditions and your habits and your lifestyle.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

[Lori Santos]

So for me, that extra word really made me much happier with this aphorism. Now we get to aphorism number eight.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Okay.

[Lori Santos]

Don't expect to be motivated by motivation.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And I think the word motivation is very confusing because motivation conflates the idea that you very much want to achieve an aim and that you're doing work toward that aim. And in my experience, people are often extraordinarily desirous of an aim. They desperately want to achieve that aim, and yet they're not doing anything to get themselves towards that aim. So are they motivated or not motivated? I don't know. Don't expect to be motivated by motivation.

[Lori Santos]

Yeah. I think one of the frustrating things about motivation is that whatever we mean by this word motivation, and I agree with you, there's, like, too many different parts to it.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah.

[Lori Santos]

Sometimes it just comes naturally. Like, I have, like, such a sugar craving, and I don't have to do any work to, like, seek out sweet, fatty food. Right. The way that works, the way that kind of craving works, it's just completely different than the way I have to motivate myself to, like, have a hard workout or get a writing project done at work or, like, send off a few emails. And, like, I wish they were one in the same. Why doesn't the brain work to make it one in the same?

[Gretchen Rubin]

That's why I just don't think motivation is a helpful word. It's too loose. It gets into this whole thing where, like, sometimes we want to do something, but we don't really want to do it, or we don't really want to do it, but we want to do it. It just gets very, very confusing. So I just say, stay clear of.

[Lori Santos]

That word, and maybe we get a hint about how we can do better from aphorism number nine, which is one of the best uses of willpower is to avoid situations that require willpower.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Oh, yes.

[Lori Santos]

Oh, my gosh. I don't know where this one came from, but this is basically just straight out of Aristotle. Like, this one's really ancient. Aristotle thought that the way you have willpower is you set up situations that you don't really need it at all. You set up situations so that basically your only reasonable course of action is to do the thing that at your very highest value level, you wanted to do the most.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, when I wrote my book about habits better than before, that was just the deepest thing, which is like, everything should be a habit. Everything should be operating on automatic so that you're not deploying your willpower. Like, I have a strong sweet tooth too. It sounds like you have a big sweet tooth. So I just gave up sugar. It's easier for me to just say, like, I don't eat sugar. And then it's like, do I eat this cupcake? No, because I don't eat sugar. Do I eat this piece of free candy? No, because I don't eat sugar. Then I don't need any willpower. Because once you've done it for like, not even that long, your brain is just like, oh, that's not for me. And it just kind of fades into the background.

[Lori Santos]

So it sounds like your situation there is really, like, using words again, as we talked about before, to sort of set up. Like, I am not a sugar eater. I just kind of get rid of it. My move is situation support. Like, I just don't have any sugar in my house when I'm trying to avoid this sort of thing.

[Gretchen Rubin]

You don't have to resist the ice cream in the freezer because there's no ice cream in the freezer.

[Lori Santos]

Yes, yes. Physical situation support. But I also love to use social situation support, right? Which is like, hang out with other people who aren't gonna like, demand that we go to ice cream shop. Or, you know, hang out with other people who by their own behavior model this and make this easy for me. And that's actually what Aristotle thought of. He said, you actually get virtue from other people. Cause your friends are your virtuous selves.

[Gretchen Rubin]

You know, it's just. It's funny. Like, with sugar, it was so noisy. It was so boring to have that in my head all the time. And I just remember, like, it would just be there, buzzing in my mind. It's there, it's there, it's there. And then I could just decide to turn it off.

[Lori Santos]

That is like your superpower. Because, like, I've tried to decide many times to shut it off, but my brain just doesn't work. Like, that's it. Never again. I have to, like, restructure my environment and be around people who help.

[Gretchen Rubin]

And yeah, everybody has to kind of experiment to see what works for them. Because we are all very different. And there's a lot of different ways to approach it.

[Lori Santos]

Although, can I tell you a puzzle about this willpower aphorism, which is that I have this former student, Ariela Crystal, who's been looking at the consequences of how people judge people who these different strategies. And a curious thing that she finds is that Even though we know that setting up these situation supports help you. She finds that people like people who exert the willpower rather than set up the situation. So if you tell them, you know, person, a Bob, like, really didn't want to eat sugar and he just decided, you know, hey, I'm not going to eat sugar anymore. Right. Versus, you know, there's Phil who decided he didn't want to eat sugar anymore and he moved the sugar out of his house and he made sure he only hung out with friends that weren't eating sugar. What you find is that participants like Bob better than Phil, they think Bob is more moral, a stronger person, and so.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Or maybe they think that Phil's way is more realistic and therefore is more of a challenge to themselves.

[Lori Santos]

Oh, interesting. Yeah.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Because if they're like, well, I'm not some Bob that can just go off and do it. So clearly that doesn't reflect on me. I mean, many people, when they start making their habits better, the people around them are often not very supportive. Right. Because they start saying to themselves, like, maybe I should be doing this and I don't want to. So it might be that it makes them feel worse about themselves.

[Lori Santos]

Okay, now jumping to number 10, aphorism about getting stuff done. Focus on actions, not outcomes. You update this to mean don't try to learn to play the guitar. Just play the guitar for 20 minutes every day.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Lori Santos]

This is very Yoda, who I think has a different aphorism, which is do or do not. There is no try.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. Because a lot of times people will say things like, well, I want to write a bestselling novel. Well, you can't control whether something is a bestseller. Right. That's something other people. People have to do. And you can't even control whether you can publish a novel, but you can write. People tend to have vague outcomes. People say something like, I want to learn Italian. It's like, that's a major, major aim. Right. Or get more fun out of life. Whereas if you're really focusing on your action, like, I'm going to watch a classic movie every Sunday night. That's something where you're like, did you do it? Did you not do it? And that's a way to get more fun out of life. Where I'm going to practice my Italian half an hour a day. You can measure it, you know, whether you did it or didn't do it. So you get a feel satisfaction. It's taking you toward your aim. But otherwise, these aims are just so big and vague. It's like on any one day, you're not going to have done it. It's very hard to even know if you're making progress.

[Lori Santos]

Yeah. It reminds me of what researchers often call these smart goals.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Lori Santos]

SMART is this acronym that stands for specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time bound. The actions can be very specific. You can measure whether you did them or not. You know that you can do them.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Lori Santos]

You can set a time limit on them so you know exactly when you're supposed to do that specific action. And the interesting thing is, like, even if you don't get to the outcome, you're getting closer to it than if you didn't do the actions in the first place.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Exactly. Because you may never be fluent in Italian, but you're good enough to like, you know, go to Italy and talk to the waiter.

[Lori Santos]

I can order a cannoli.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah. So I think that that's why it's better to focus on your actions than on your outcomes.

[Lori Santos]

And so those were some pieces of advice for getting stuff done. My final two favorite aphorisms are pieces of advice we can use in tough times. Starting with number 11. Sometimes to keep going, we need to allow ourselves to stop. This one, you know, especially in times when I was experiencing lots of burnout myself, reminding myself about the need to rest, that rest is an investment so, so essential, but so, so hard to remember.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I know, right?

[Lori Santos]

And I like the word stop. Not just sometimes to keep going, we need to allow ourselves to rest. Sometimes to keep going, you need to allow yourself to stop. Not just rest, but, but pause, take a step away. Right.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Sometimes you just think, if I just go, go, go, go, go, I will just power through it. And then you just become more and more drained and overwhelmed and unfocused. I'm a big believer in a good night's sleep. I mean, if there is a cliche that I live by, it's everything looks better after a good night's sleep. I'll go to bed at 7:45 if I'm having a really, really bad day. Cause I'm like, I just need this day to be over. I'll feel better in the morning. Even that kind of letting yourself stop.

[Lori Santos]

And so, final piece of advice for tough times and my final aphorism, which I really loved. Things often get messier before they get tidier.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Lori Santos]

I've literally, since I read this aphorism, told this to four different people in my life who are going through various tough times and various moments of untidiness. So true. But we Forget that things getting a little bit worse isn't necessarily a sign that they're not going to get better. We just can't think about paths towards progress without assuming it's going to be in some straight line.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yeah, I mean, this is one of those that that's literally true and also metaphorically true because it's literally true if you've ever tried to, like, clean out your closet. But it's also very metaphorically true if you're trying to do something like switch careers or change a relationship or something. A lot of times it can get very messy before it gets cleared up.

[Lori Santos]

I think it's also like, even locally, like, trying to get through a tough emotion.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right.

[Lori Santos]

I've been trying to engage in all these practices. I tell my students about, you know, sitting with and accepting your emotions. And when you decide to do that, wow, does it feel messy when you're sitting with sadness or wow, does it feel messy when you're really noticing that overwhelm? But if you give yourself time to do that, then all of a sudden, oh, you wind up in a much better place.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes.

[Lori Santos]

But the tidiness is on the other side.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yep.

[Lori Santos]

Well, those were my favorite 12, and I hope my Happiness Lab listeners will check out the rest of the book.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, this is so fun for me to hear which ones resonated with you, especially since you yourself are such a happiness expert. It's fun to see what caught your eye.

[Lori Santos]

So if people want to learn more or they want to hear more more from you, where should they go?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Well, they can go to happiercast.com secrets and then there's all kinds of information about the books and excerpts and you can see the COVID and order it if you want. Or you can just wherever books are sold.

And just to recap my favorite of Gretchen's aphorisms, number one, happiness doesn't always make us feel happy. Number two, we care for many people we don't particularly care for. Number three, repeatedly rehearsal, cursing disaster doesn't protect us from it. One day now will be a long time ago. Number five, by changing our words, we can change our perspective. Accept yourself and expect more from yourself. Number seven, good intentions mean nothing unless they inspire practical actions. Number eight, don't expect to be motivated by motivation. Number nine, one of the best uses of willpower power is to avoid situations that require willpower. Number 10, focus on actions, not outcomes. Number 11, sometimes to keep going, we need to allow ourselves to stop. And finally, number 12, things often get messier before they get tidier. I hope at least one of these nuggets of wisdom connected with you as much as they've resonated with me. But that's not the end of the wisdom that Gretchen will be giving the Happiness Lab community, because next time, Gretchen will return to share an episode from her podcast's new series on Happiness 1, in which the two of us chat about friendships, how they evolve, how they go wrong, and what we can do to make them healthier. So be sure to return for a special friendship roundtable next time on the Happiness lab with me, Dr. Laurie Santos.

[Katie Milkman]

The nationally ranked neuroscience center at Stanford Medicine Children's Health provides nurturing care for a full range of brain, spine, nerve and craniofacial disorders in infants, children and adolescents. Their physician scientists collaborate to advance treatments that allow them to successfully treat many children with complex cases that could not be resolved elsewhere. Their surgical facilities, among the most advanced in the country, empower their excellent multidisciplinary team to do their very best work for children. Through a blend of clinical expertise and individualized treatment plans, their experts help children reach their fullest potential. Learn [e-mail] this podcast is supported by.

[Unknown]

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[Chrissy Teigen]

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