The Heart & Hustle Podcast — Ep. 447
"How to Find & Cultivate Good Friends in Adulthood Especially in Seasons of Heartbreak" with Toni Collier
August 26, 2025

Episode Overview

This heartfelt episode welcomes Toni Collier, founder of the international women's organization Broken Crayons Still Color, author, and dynamic speaker, to discuss one of adulthood’s greatest challenges: finding and maintaining close, supportive friendships during seasons of pain, heartbreak, and growth. Drawing from her deeply personal journey—particularly a recent season of intense betrayal and loss—Toni shares practical wisdom on building authentic community, nurturing vulnerability, and inviting God and others into your most broken places. This episode is both a blueprint and a balm for anyone longing for richer friendships or struggling to show up for loved ones in crisis.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Toni Wrote "Don’t Try This Alone"

[07:41]

• Toni describes this as her most personal book yet. Unlike her first, which offers expert guidance, this one emerges from the rawest season of her life—her second divorce amid betrayal and deep pain.
• She found herself unable to heal alone and emphasizes that healing amidst heartbreak requires the courage to reach out, even when isolation seems safer.

“This was the hardest time—heartache, heartbreak, betrayal of my whole life…this was the first time in my entire life where I didn’t have the strength to go on, and I had to tap in my people.”
— Toni Collier [09:02]

2. Overcoming the Lie: "I'm Too Broken for Friendship"

[11:15]

• Toni vulnerably shares feeling abandoned by both her (now ex-) husband and her church community, leading to a “church homeless” season.
• She urges listeners not to let their wounds make them believe all people can’t be trusted, and shares how she learned to allow others in, despite fear.

“The people that hurt, betrayed, and caused me pain—they’ve already taken enough. They don’t get to have my belief that there are no trustworthy people out there.”
— Toni Collier [13:09]

3. Practical Ways to Reach Out When You Want to Hide

[15:27]

• Toni advocates living “on the offense, not defense,” cultivating deep relationships before crisis hits.
• She shares the power of a ‘confessional community’—a monthly group dedicated to total honesty and vulnerability.
• When crisis came, her lifeline was ready. She details how she texted her core friends in a moment of need, and how they rallied practically and emotionally.

“I listed out all the people that I believed I could trust... I sent one text message—copy and pasted to all them suckers: This is what’s happening in my life… I have a propensity to hide when I’m in pain. Next thing you know, I’m twerking in the club and lost my whole Christian lil brand!”
— Toni Collier [18:33]

4. Bravery, Healing, and Community

[21:21]

• Healing isn’t about a perfect “soft life,” but cultivating the capacity to hold pain well, make brave choices, and invite others into your story.
• Toni stresses that ongoing healing work prepares you for future trials; the time to build community is before tragedy.

“Healing is about increasing your capacity to hold the pain, to make good decisions when you’re in pain… it’s better this way when you have people that look at your story and say, ‘Ooh, that’s messy— but I’m not going anywhere.’”
— Toni Collier [22:22]

5. The Role of Faith in Friendship and Healing

[24:17]

• Toni clarifies that seeking community is not a substitute for God—it’s an extension of His provision and design for connection.
• Her closest friends not only showed up for her but pointed her back to her faith.

“We’re not talking about humans pretending to have all the strength. No—my friends are deeply in great relationships with Christ, and every step of the way, they pointed me back to the cross.”
— Toni Collier [25:42]

6. Building Community From Scratch (Even If You’re Lonely)

[31:37]

• Toni recounts having no community after her first divorce, and how she (reluctantly at first) began praying for friends.
• She encourages adults to reclaim the childlike bravery required to pursue new friendships and challenges listeners to become the kind of friend they want to attract.

“If you want great friends, you need to be a great friend. If you want healthy friends, be a healthy friend… You attract and sustain who you are.”
— Toni Collier [37:01]

7. The Circles of Friendship & Boundaries

[34:29]

• Drawing from Jesus’ model, Toni discusses concentric circles of intimacy—defining who gets closest to your heart.
• She discusses how shame and pain can hinder vulnerability, and why boundaries matter to sustain healthy relationships.

8. Practical Tips for Making Adult Friendships Work

[40:21]

• Toni, Evie, and Lindsey discuss how friendship in adulthood requires intentionality—putting yourself out there despite potential awkwardness or fear.
• Online groups and courses can foster confessional communities, even among strangers.

“Every course group… transitions into a confessional community… When tragedy hit, [these women] rallied around her family.”
— Toni Collier [43:02]

9. Navigating Broken Trust and Toxic Friendships

[44:14]

• For those nervous after betrayals or red flags, Toni suggests “very yes and very no” lists—a practical, personalized tool for discerning healthy relationships.
• She models directness in communicating boundaries and expectations, showing how relationships can be flexibly redefined rather than abandoned at the first problem.

“We don’t have to throw people away, but we do have to be willing to have hard conversations.”
— Toni Collier [49:13]

10. How to Show Up for a Friend in Crisis

[50:00]

• Toni introduces her concept of "withness"—the power of simply being present and available over offering solutions or spiritual platitudes.
• She affirms that we are all innately created for connection and capable of being good friends, encouraging active listening and presence.

“Sometimes it’s just about presence… my friend Erin—she just sat there and let me cry. I think it’s in us; we just need to take the steps to get better at it.”
— Toni Collier [53:03]

Notable Quotes

• “Accepting help is a radical act of bravery and courage.” — Toni Collier [13:07]
• “We literally cannot do this life alone. So what makes us think that when we are in a valley, we can do it alone? No, we need people even more.” — Toni Collier [12:44]
• “You attract and sustain who you are. My community grew into a healthy community because I have been on a 10-year healing journey.” — Toni Collier [37:01]
• “God actually becomes bigger when we share our pain in community with other people.” — Toni Collier [28:49]
• “If you want great friends, you need to be a great friend.” — Toni Collier [37:01]

Memorable Moments

• Toni’s confession of writing her book amid pain, feeling “disqualified” by her second divorce and being “church homeless,” yet bravely choosing to reach out for support [07:41–13:10].
• Practical, cheeky humor about "twerking in the club" as a metaphor for numbing pain and hiding when community is needed most [18:10].
• Describing her daughter’s “surprise flow party” as a testament to the generational impact of chosen community [43:57].
• Honest advice on attracting toxic friendships and doing the personal work to break cycles [37:01].

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [07:41] — Toni discusses the origins and raw honesty of her new book.
• [13:09] — The necessity of not letting broken experiences erode hope for healthy future friendships.
• [15:27] — Building confessional communities and practical outreach in times of crisis.
• [24:17] — Integrating God into your healing and relational journey.
• [31:37] — Praying for friends and the courage to start over.
• [37:01] — Attracting healthy friends by becoming a healthy friend.
• [40:21] — How to actually make adult friendships and foster them in unconventional spaces.
• [49:13] — Setting boundaries and having hard conversations without giving up on friends.
• [50:00] — Practicing “withness": how to support a friend in pain by being present.

Final Takeaways

• Friendship Requires Bravery: Both to reach out and to receive. Healing and depth come when you step towards, not away from, community in your messiest moments.
• Healthy Relationships Start With You: Become the friend you long for—do your healing, seek growth, and set necessary boundaries.
• God Works Through People: Divine provision often looks like practical presence, not just spiritual assurance.
• Presence Over Perfection: Showing up and simply being with someone is more powerful than offering solutions or clichés.
• Practical Steps—No Fluff: Pray for friends, make yourself available, join intentional communities, and communicate honestly about needs and boundaries.

Where to Find Toni & Her Book:

• Instagram: @tonijcollier
• Website & resources: tonijcollier.com
• Book: Don’t Try This Alone — available at Target, Walmart, Amazon, and more.

This episode is a must-listen for anyone wrestling with loneliness, longing for deeper connection, or seeking to support others through seasons of heartbreak. Toni Collier brings unmatched vulnerability, humor, faith, and practical wisdom—reminding us all that hope, healing, and friendship are possible, even after profound pain.