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The High Performance Podcast
Nicolas Hamilton: Beyond Being Lewis' Brother & My Fight to Be Seen For Who I am (E369)
01:03:42
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- [00:02]
Nick Hamilton
So when I did fall over, my dad didn't come and help, my mum didn't come and help. And yeah, I'm so grateful for the way they brought me up. You know, I just gambled all day and I lost thousands and thousands and thousands. I spoke to the Samaritans. I felt like they like saved my life at that point. I put my helmet on standing in the garage to get into my British touring car. And I can't believe that I'm physically able to do that and not just physically able to do that, but physically able to compete and compete really well.
- [00:30]
Jake
That is the voice of Nick Hamilton, inspirational speaker, brother to seven time Formula one world champion Lewis Hamilton, but also a person in his own right, a racing driver. And not only that, a racing driver born with cerebral palsy. But today's conversation is not about what he's done, it's about how he's managed to do it. It's not a conversation about comparison. That's happened to Nick too many times over the years. This is a conversation about the man himself. A man's journey to find self worth and independence, his own voice, and of course, the strength mentally and physically to live life on his own terms. This was a really important episode for me. I've known Nick for well over a decade, in fact almost 20 years. But the things that he talks about I had no idea about because he's gonna take us into the tough love childhood that shaped him, where falling over didn't mean being picked up, it meant getting up yourself and the strength that came from having to figure it out sometimes alone. Nick also opens up about growing up being known only as Lewis Hamilton's brother, how he managed to find his own value, but the pain that he felt along the way, the deep loneliness of living with a lifelong disability, why gaming, therapy and motorsports have helped him to rebuild, and the moment he chose to become a racing driver not in his brother's shadow, but also in his own name. This is a really powerful, honest story about identity, self esteem and the power of acceptance not from others, but but from within. There is also a conversation about suicide in this episode, so I just want you to know about that in advance. Before we begin, please hit follow on Apple or Spotify. You will then never miss an episode. And remember, you can get early access to every single episode of our show and exclusive extras on the High Performance app. And it is my great personal pleasure to welcome Nicholas Hamilton to High Performance. Nick, welcome to the show.
- [02:27]
Nick Hamilton
Thank you, Jake. I really appreciate you being like having me Here today, it's been awesome.
- [02:31]
Jake
Well, look, you and I go back a long way. I've known you for, for a very long time and I was really keen to get you to come on high performance because I think that your story is one of incredible grit, remarkable resilience, but also like not a, not an especially easy journey. And I would love people to really understand the challenges that you faced. And I was thinking on my way in today, like what sums up to me, you and for me it's this idea that what is hard for you isn't necessarily bad for you.
- [02:59]
Nick Hamilton
Yeah, I feel like in this day and age a lot of people shy away from the tough path. When they have tough days, it really gets them down and they're very, you know, scared to, to move forward and it can knock them back and knock them for six, for a long period of time. For me, you know, I was brought up on, on tough love. You know, I didn't have it easy from, from day one and obviously parents, especially my parents, you know, they're not gonna get things right straight away. You know, it's a trial and error situation. But you know, I was, I was, I was born into the world. I, I would say with three wheels on my wagon, I had to try and make the best with it and I made the, the decision to continue pushing forward regardless. You know, my parents weren't there really from day one to, to help me with specific obstacles. I had to find my own way to get through those tough days. And even now as a 33 year old I struggle with the same sort of things but my mentality is a lot stronger.
- [03:59]
Jake
So what would tough love have looked like when you were a young kid?
- [04:03]
Nick Hamilton
Obviously, you know, I had my disability, you know, born with spastic diplegia, cerebral palsy and my parents knew nothing about the disability and they chose collectively, you know, not to wrap me up in cotton wool and not treat me any different to any other child. And so my dad was on my case from early doors, you know, telling me to not fall over, to make sure I pick up my feet and don't make mistakes.
- [04:29]
Jake
What if you did fall over?
- [04:32]
Nick Hamilton
He wouldn't shout at me, he would just, I guess roll his eyes and look at me in disappointment. And it's not necessarily he was disappointed in me. He just knew the world is an able bodied world full of able bodied people doing able bodied stuff and unfortunately I have this disability. He's not going to be around forever, my mum's not going to be around forever. You know, holding me, picking me up. I've got to find a way to move forward. So when I did fall over, you know, my dad didn't come and help, my mum didn't come and help, you know, as long as I hadn't, you know, broke an arm or broken a leg, they just left me there to figure it out myself. And I guess it's hard from a. I was four years old, really is the earliest I can remember and to try and understand my legs at four years old was so hard and the people you look to is your parents for that help and so I guess I resented them to start with because I was like, gosh, you could at least come and give me a helping hand. And they chose not to, they chose to stand back and I guess now all of that sort of resentment has turned into gratitude because it takes a very strong person and a very strong relationship with my parents to stand back when they see their disabled child struggling with real simple things. And yeah, I'm so grateful for the way they brought me up but you can always improve and do things in different ways. But that was what was instilled in me from day one and it's got me to where I am today, pretty independent.
- [06:13]
Jake
And why are you grateful? Why has it got you to this point?
- [06:18]
Nick Hamilton
Because it's affected and impacted every part of my life. Yes, physically overcoming the disability, dealing with bullies at school, dealing with criticism in my motorsport, dealing with difficulties and relationships within business. My parents I guess taught me self value quite early. When I was born with my disability I felt like, had no value because no one would look at you seriously, you know, I was just this kid, you know, at a point in my life where I was just in my, in my wheelchair and no one really gave me their time, no one really spoke to me. I didn't really have any friends at school to, to start with and I think because my dad was so strong and hard with me to start with, it built this, this strength within me that I, I didn't need people to be nice to me. I didn't need people to, you know, wrap me up and, and treat me any differently. I was strong enough within myself over time to stand up to difficult moments, difficult people and, and I'm so grateful for that because it's made me really hard headed and you know, every day I, I live my life physically, I struggle, it's a pain in the bum. You know. At 33 I actually don't know a disabled, not a disabled person but a person with my disability older than me, so I don't even know how it's going to be when I get to 50. You know, will I be struggling with arthritis? Will I be able to walk? All that sort of things? But I feel like what my dad taught me from a really young age has built me in preparation for all of that to come.
- [08:12]
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- [10:29]
Jake
And you mentioned school very briefly there. Like school can be an unforgiving and vicious place if you stand out even slightly. And there you are not just as a person of color. The only person of color in your school.
- [10:42]
Nick Hamilton
The only person of color. Yeah.
- [10:44]
Jake
And then add into the mix of disability that is the kind of thing that we know young people will pounce upon. What was, what was school like?
- [10:51]
Nick Hamilton
Yeah, I mean I was obviously I was born in the 90s and you know I went to, I went to schools full of able bodied people so you know, no school for you know, special needs or you know, special requirements.
- [11:05]
Jake
Was that also a conscious decision do you think by your parents?
- [11:07]
Nick Hamilton
I've actually spoken to my parents or especially my mum about this and, and my mum said we didn't even really think about it, you know and, and that just shows her mentality was almost like, you know, she had me and she didn't think oh we need to now take him to a school where you know, he's going to get special, you know, help. Her mentality was we're just going to put him in school.
- [11:30]
Jake
Kind of like that though, which is.
- [11:32]
Nick Hamilton
Which is great, you know, which is great. And, and that's why I'm so independent now, you know and I, and I sit here you know saying that I'm, I've done this and I've done that but it's all stemmed from my parents attitude and you know, my mum I think is the true unsung hero. You know I'll go into my mom later if you want but yeah, they, they made the decision to you know, put me in a school full of able bodied people. So my primary school I was the only disabled person there, the only person of color there. But you know it's easy for them to, to say, it's easy for them to just go right Nick, you're going to school today. Have a great day. I was the person that had to deal with that day. I was the person that had to try and walk because initially I, I really struggled with my legs. I had an operation when I was four years old to, to help with the movement. So by the time I got to, to school I was able to walk a little bit. But now I'm, I'm what, you know, eight years old and at this point in my life I hadn't seen another disabled person by the time I was eight. So I felt very, very lonely. Almost like I was the only disabled person in existence at that point. And everywhere I looked around me was People that weren't, you know, my color and people that were able bodied and didn't have my disability. So I sort of stuck out like a sore thumb. Yeah. And then obviously physiotherapy and all that sort of stuff, like painful work to continue overcoming the condition whilst I'm at school became a very difficult period of time, you know, and then I took that into to secondary school and had to pretty much start again, you know, where I had to, you know, walk long distances and that's where I chose to be, in a wheelchair.
- [13:17]
Jake
Did you get bullied?
- [13:18]
Nick Hamilton
Of course. Yeah, of course. I think I didn't get bullied because of my color. I got bullied because I was an easy target because I walked differently, I looked different, I struggled with really simple tasks. You know, I would just trip and fall a lot of the time. And you know, when you get to, you know, 13, 14, 15, falling over is, is now seen as, you know, socially awkward. So I was bullied for that and mainly being in my wheelchair and I chose to be in the wheelchair because of the long distances you had to walk at school. We had to go to different departments throughout secondary school, whereas primary school you're in one classroom for all your lessons so you don't really need to do too much. But for secondary school you're everywhere. Kids would come behind me and pull me backwards in my wheelchair so I was just lying on the floor staring at the sky. I was always, you know, last and late to class and you know, people I remember like, you know, kids used to like wear like a T shirt with like wheels on it and stuff like that and just try and make fun of me that way almost also try and be my friend but take the mick out of me at the same time. So I, I knew what they were doing but I couldn't control it.
- [14:43]
Jake
It's a lonely place that, isn't it?
- [14:45]
Nick Hamilton
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I want to remind everybody, you know, I'm, I'm speaking from my own personal experience, right. So, so anything I say, you know, doesn't affect everyone else. But from my personal experience, you know, being a disabled person is a very lonely place in itself because every near enough, everywhere I go, there's only me that is disabled, has my specific condition. And so I'm the only person, especially within my family, you know, that has to live, has to live with it, has to get up in the morning, has to deal with the difficulties and the struggles that the legs present, but also the impact and the knock on effect it has on my body and all that sort of stuff, you know. And I have amazing, amazing friends and so much support from my family, my brother, my mum, my dad. But it doesn't matter what I do. This condition is gonna be here until I, until I die and leave this earth. And it can be very, very lonely. I want people to know that even when people look at me and I've achieved these things and I've done this and I've done that, I'm still quite a lonely individual. And that's okay. You're not invisible and I'm not this, this real strong person that is indestructible, you know, Especially in the last couple of years, I wanted to, to show my vulnerability to disability presents.
- [16:18]
Jake
Do you still feel lonely now?
- [16:22]
Nick Hamilton
Yeah, yeah, I do. I mean, I think I always will do. I think, you know, at my core, at my core I feel very lonely. I feel, I feel generally like a, almost like a reject, almost like, you know, someone that wasn't meant to fit in, wasn't really meant to, to be here in the normal, conventional way. And you know, I'm able to talk about this now, you know, because I'm so, so heavily into mental health and well being and you know, do a lot of therapy and I'm in therapy twice a week and it's a real positive thing. And I think, you know, going back to my parents, you know, the way my parents brought me up was almost like, you can do it, Nick. You can do it, Nick. You can do it, Nick. And that's, that's true, I could, but I sort of, I didn't really sit with a disability. I just swept it under the carpet and just kept pushing forward. And I think over the last, you know, two years or so, I've really started to take time within therapy to sit with it and actually, you know, maybe talk to it for the first time and, and really try and understand my relationship with my disability. I realized it's actually not as strong as I, I once thought it was. And so, yeah, you know, I feel, I feel very, feel very lonely with it, but I feel like I've, I've got to a point with it so much that doesn't stop me doing anything, but it's like, it's like dragging, it's like dragging a, like a bag of sand with you everywhere you go. You know, it's always there to, to pull you back or to remind you certain things. So it can be frustrating, but I don't know any, I don't know any different and I wouldn't want to be any other way.
- [18:14]
Jake
And I'm actually really pleased for you that you've, you're in a place where you're happy to come on a show like this and talk really openly and honestly. Because it actually, if I think about when I first met you, and it would have been when I worked in Formula One in 2009 and you were at a lot of the races, you know, with Lewis at McLaren, we got to know each other well and we ended up doing a bit of work together. I was like, you got to meet Nick Hamilton. He's got a permanent smile on his face. He's the happiest guy. He's the guy you want to invite to every party. And I think, like, you know, that obviously it was an element of that, but there's also an element where that was a facade.
- [18:51]
Nick Hamilton
Yeah.
- [18:51]
Jake
And I think it's so important you're now able to actually say, yeah, like, I mean, it breaks my heart a bit when you say you still have this sense that you feel a bit like a reject.
- [19:00]
Nick Hamilton
No, I, you know, this isn't, I'm not speaking out for people to feel sorry for.
- [19:05]
Jake
Sure.
- [19:06]
Nick Hamilton
Absolutely not. You know, I'm being so open because I like, I pride myself in talking about subjects that a lot of people, you know, find difficult to, to talk about. And I feel like over the last three, four years, I really started to see what my purpose is. And you know, my purpose, I believe now is to, to live with my disability. Yes, it's hard and it's tough and I do this and I do that and I struggle with different bits, but I think I'm here for a purpose. And that purpose is to live with the disability, to then create awareness, but also shine light on the positive side of disability as well. But to be here in service of others and try and help people through the same sort of mental process that I've gone through or difficulties, both able bodied people, disabled people. And you're right, you know, when you met me, you know, 2009 or whatever it would be, I lived my life as a kid, you know, smiling. I was always smiling. And you know, that's kudos to, to my parents for, for always putting a smile on my face. But it was definitely a facade. It was a, it was a mask that I carried with me because I think, you know, deep down I was unhappy with being in my wheelchair at the time, you know, and I have to continue to reiterate, you know, I'm not trying to be negative to anybody. That's in a wheelchair, you know, because they leave, they lead fruitful lives. But from, from my point of view, it was especially when you have a brother that is taking the motorsport scene by, by storm, you know, who is as able bodied as it gets and is so super talented to, you know, come from the same family, but to be in a completely different situation. You know, where I'm in this wheelchair, I'm beneath, not beneath, but sitting down where everyone else is standing up. I'm looking up at everybody, everyone's looking down at me. It's a lot for a young kid to take on and I just didn't know where my life was gonna go. But Formula one and adults made me feel accepted. You know, I think I felt like I struggled at school to feel accepted. Yeah, but adults made me feel accepted so I was more in my element. You know, when I met you, for example, in Formula one, I felt very comfortable there.
- [21:35]
Jake
And how much of an additional challenge did it present as you were growing up that, you know, Lewis did go on this amazing journey in motorsport and as we all know, because it's the way that world works, you can't do that on your own. Everyone has to come on the journey with you. So you have to make sacrifices. You know, your mum and dad would have had to make sacrifices and you, and as is often the case with people who are, who are doing what Lewis is doing, it becomes the role of the whole family, right, to support that person and yet you're having to do that while also carrying a disability and having your own sort of personal struggles.
- [22:09]
Nick Hamilton
There's a lot of people in the world feel like, or think that the Hamilton family just turned up and Lewis was seven time former world champion from, from nothing, you know, but we, we all, you know, worked collectively to get him to, to, to where he is today. We, we sacrificed a lot. My parents especially sacrificed a lot.
- [22:30]
Jake
What sort of stuff?
- [22:31]
Nick Hamilton
I mean, for them. You know, my parents had, had no money, you know, my dad, you know, was a, was a poor man, to be honest. Didn't really have, you know, the best of upbringings and I think he just wanted the best for Louis, but also to try and pull the family, you know, out of, out of a lot of financial struggle and grief. And initially it was to, to keep Lewis out of trouble, I think, you know, for him to focus on something after school and whatever. And he, you know, chose go karts and my dad worked four jobs. You know, a lot of people know the story already, but, you know, worked four jobs and you Know, put up signposts and everything he could to support the family, you know, but also he had a. He. My dad had a disabled son as well, so that required, you know, a lot of attention from, from my mum, you know, to a. Hold the household together, but also to. To protect me, you know, because I needed carrying everywhere and, you know, I couldn't physically move a lot when I was a kid, so, you know, there was a lot on my, on my dad's plate, you know, and then, and then all I knew was following Lewis to races. I was never jealous of him. I never wanted to compete with him. There was never this sibling rivalry, you know, that some people may think that there was because there really wasn't. It was. I wanted to, I wanted the best for Lewis and I wanted him to, to have all the success and I just wanted to sit and watch him because I, I couldn't believe how incredible he was. You know, just A, as a brother, but B, you know, as a. As an athlete and as a talent, he had a lot of pressure on his shoulders. You know, my dad didn't let him have it easy because it was either this has to work or you're gonna have to maybe work somewhere else, like go to Tesco's or something, because, you know, Lewis focused on his, on his schooling, but he didn't put any. Nowhere near as much time in his schooling as he did in his motorsport. So if it doesn't work, he's gonna, he's gonna be stuck on where he goes. And my dad, you know, was so hard on him. And that's where Lewis gets his, like, relentless determination, where, like, every race that he drives, it's like it could be his last one, you know, because that's the budget that we were on to start with. You know, we got Lewis to where he is today and, and to be a part of it has been a pure honor. And. Yeah, I mean, I, I guess I, I sacrificed, you know, some of my, Some of my life and, And I guess the, the attention from my, My, My parents, because I, I didn't really. It's hard to say, but, you know, I didn't. My, My goals and my passions weren't really important. I would say when I was a. When I was growing up, it was all about the direction we're taking with Lewis. Right? So, you know, I, I didn't really feel like I had that relationship where I could focus on maybe what I wanted to do as a kid, but I, I really didn't know what I was going to do because of my disability. So it's hard, I always feel when.
- [25:59]
Jake
People are sitting in the chair that you're sitting in, it's difficult to someone say those things because you think, well, what are the connotations? Does it make it sound like my parents weren't caring?
- [26:07]
Nick Hamilton
But no, of course they are.
- [26:08]
Jake
We also have to understand that like you were in some ways a victim of circumstance. Right. You know, you can't get Lewis to where he got to without everyone giving it everything. And there's a kind of, there is a cost to that and I guess, I guess I think know a bit about where was your self esteem at that point when it was already kind of impacted by what was going on at school and then everybody wanted to talk to your brother or Lord, your brother. He's standing on the podium all the time.
- [26:34]
Nick Hamilton
Yeah, it was tough because a lot of people know me for Lewis's brother that's like, it's almost like my name like, oh, you're Lewis. Both like I don't have a name. So there's, so there's that. But then there's also like, you know, having my disability so my self esteem at the time, you know, I'm trying to figure out how I become valuable or a person that matters just in my own life where I can go to school and people don't take the mick out of me and people see me as a valuable person. What didn't really help was the fact that my brother was like one of the most well known racing drivers up and coming, you know, so it was like I didn't feel valuable in myself just at school. But then people would talk to me because my brother's famous now, so, so it's like a double whammy. They just wouldn't speak to me just for me, you know, I just wanted people to, to speak to me for me and, and even now, you know, it's, it's, it's hard because you know, the amount of people that speak to me and talk to me and stuff and yeah, okay, people are starting to see the work that I do and the things that I've achieved, you know, but I'll never get rid of this Lewis Hamilton's brother thing and, and I wouldn't change it for the world. But you know, it's been, it's been tough. You know, we, a lot has been, as we said, a lot's been sacrificed but continuous continuously as well. You know, my relationship with Lewis has to an extent been sacrificed because it's not like I can go to the cinema with him and just have a night out. Everything we do straight away, potentially is going to get paparazzi or whatever. And you can't just be brothers out in public because especially with social media today, there's comments everywhere, people feeling they got to say what they got to say and put as much pressure on just celebrity life. It's been sad because really all I want to do is just have a pizza with my brother at home or have a pizza out or just live a normal type of day, but unfortunately, we can't do that.
- [28:48]
Jake
Have you not managed to find a way to win back some of that? Like the ability to just be brothers, even behind closed doors?
- [28:57]
Nick Hamilton
Yeah, behind closed doors. I think we've found a lot in gaming. We've always gamed, me and him together. You know, we used to play racing games, now we play shooting games, you know, now we play Call of Duty together. And I think that connection where it's like you put your headphones on, it's just you and him, no one else. And it's like, I always explain, it's like being in the pub with your mates, that's what gaming's like. And you can maintain so many amazing relationships because you're talking to them every day. Me and Lewis don't want to talk about racing because all we do is talk about racing and racing is our lives. The last thing we want to do is talk about racing. So instead we talk about, obviously not seriously, but in Call of Duty terms, you know, what guns we're going to use and how we're going to. What? How Be in the same place together. Yeah, you know, but he's in, you know, he's in Monaco and I'm at home or whatever it is, but we're still close and it gives us a reason to message in the morning and being like, all right, we're playing games tonight and have you sorted your gun out? Have you done this? Have you done that? And for Lewis, I realized that's his way of switching off and also my way of switching off. And to be able to switch off together is really, really important.
- [30:18]
Jake
What was he like as a younger brother? I was thinking about when you were saying your parents would allow you to get yourself up if you fell. Right. Was he keen as an older brother to come and try and lift you up off the floor or whatever?
- [30:30]
Nick Hamilton
No, we. No, Lewis was. Lewis normalized my disability. And what I mean by that is just as much as my parents didn't treat me any differently, you know, As a son, my brother definitely didn't treat me any differently as a brother. It was literally like I was like his crash test dummy. So anything that looked dangerous, he would get me to do it first to see how dangerous it was, you know? And, you know, Lewis always said to me, and he might have said in interviews already before, you know, he always. He always wanted a little baby brother, you know, and. And his wish was finally granted. And, yeah, obviously, I ended up with this disability, but it didn't. For him. It wasn't like, oh, I've now got this baby brother. Oh, he's. He's disabled. It was, I've got a baby brother, and I'm gonna pick on him, and I'm gonna treat him just like I normally would any baby brother. So, you know, the amount of falls and crashes and scrapes and bumps and everything I've had from Lewis, just play fighting with me and being rough with me, like brothers are and siblings are, that actually has been a real big part in, like, how strong I am internally. You know, like, falling over. It doesn't bother me at all. Hitting my head, you know, if I'm. If I'm bleeding out or whatever, I'm not bothered about it, you know, because my. My. My brother was always. I remember him pushing me in this go kart and trying to get me to go around corners really fast, and I would flip out of it and end up in a bush and, you know, whatever hit my head on something, and he would be like, you're all right. Get back in. And it taught me to, like, that's brothers for you. And it. Yeah. And it taught me to. To deal with the pain.
- [32:23]
Jake
Yeah.
- [32:25]
Nick Hamilton
And just carry on. And. And that's what I do my whole life now. So I, I. My pain threshold is super high, and I just continue. Doesn't matter what's going on. I'll deal with the pain later.
- [32:38]
Jake
And was Lewis aware that his career was kind of having an impact on your life as well as he was starting out?
- [32:49]
Nick Hamilton
I guess so. You know, you. I'll never have that conversation with him, you know, where it's like, did you realize, like, how much of an impact you've also had on my life? Because that's not his fault either, you know, he was, I guess, you know, chosen in life to have this talent and this opportunity to. To. To maximize. And he. And he did that. And, you know, I'm not saying, you know, life is terrible because it. Because it isn't. Life is great. We're. We're a Great family. We've achieved great things. Lewis is happy and, and doing amazing things, you know, with, with what he has. You know, my parents are. My parents are well and healthy and that's all that we can, we can wish for. You know, I think Lewis does sit sometimes and think, you know, wow, my parents, My brother sacrificed a lot. At the end of the day, he was the one that had to drive the car and achieve all these things. You know, we, I guess as a family, we just provided the opportunity. My dad provided the opportunity in terms of sponsorship and finances and doing deals with teams and whatever, and I, I helped him. When it came to still trying to be a brother to him, with all the stuff that was going on and stress and press and pressure, I was still trying to be there being his bro, because really, just as I'm vulnerable, he's also vulnerable, and you have to understand him in the best way.
- [34:25]
Jake
And there might also be a really nice. Well, there will be a really nice moment, hopefully in the not too distant future when, you know, Lewis is not 21 anymore. He's probably going to retire from F1 in the next few years, and then there could be that really lovely moment where you do get to be brothers again. You do finally have time.
- [34:39]
Nick Hamilton
Yeah, you know, I mean, we, yeah, we try our best to make time, you know, and, and regardless, you know, our foundation is so strong, it doesn't matter what we do, we're always, always going to be brothers, you know, so. So we, we don't want to wish our life away, you know, too soon. You know, he's in a. He's in a real good place still. Being in Formula one and having a career that's got a lot of longevity. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. As long as he's happy and he's healthy, that's all I care about.
- [35:07]
Jake
I think one of the coolest things that I ever saw you do was when you decided to get into motor racing, because I think with this, with everything we've just spoken about, it would have been so easy for you to go, do you know what? The one thing I'm never going to do is get behind the car with the name Hamilton on the side of that car, because, of course, the comparisons come, right? It's the most normal, human thing in the world, isn't it? Yeah. How did you decide to do that?
- [35:31]
Nick Hamilton
Well, firstly, I want people to realize I chose to become a racing driver for me, not for anybody else. It wasn't to compete with Lewis or try and take any limelight or steal the light from him or anything like that. For me, it was like I was born around motorsport. I eat, sleep and breathed it every day. I was always at a racetrack supporting Lewis. I always wanted to race, go karts. Didn't think I'd ever be able to drive a road car, let alone a race car with my disability, you know, and I got the opportunity from my dad. When I got to 18, I got out of my wheelchair and basically taught myself how to walk. And then I used my motorsport to, to build my leg strength and to, to make me more independent physically. And then I ended up in, in Renault Clio Cup Championship, which is at the time the toughest one make series in the uk. And it was more. Now, thinking back and looking back, it's all the childhood traumas and wounds that I had as a kid, thinking my life's gonna. I felt my life's not going to go anywhere. People aren't giving me attention, paying me attention. How do I get a job? I can't go on the tube every day. I need to physically figure out something that I can do where I can have some sort of longevity. Motorsport is relatively safe. If I find a way that I can train my legs, use my legs in a race car, it's more just an achievement for myself and little Nick, you know, who thought at 4 years old, 5 years old, they'd never be able to do anything like that, you know, now even today, you know, I put my helmet on standing in the garage to get into my British touring car and I can't believe that I'm physically able to do that and not just physically able to do that, but physically able to compete and compete really well with the limitations I have. And so that's why I chose to race. And if I hadn't of raced.
- [37:44]
Jake
And.
- [37:45]
Nick Hamilton
I've said this many times, you know, my legs wouldn't be as strong as they are and I don't think I would be as physically independent as I am because I had to build myself to compete against able body people.
- [37:58]
Jake
I saw an amazing quote from you where you said you're a Paralympian competing in the Olympics.
- [38:03]
Nick Hamilton
Yeah.
- [38:03]
Jake
And I don't think that because when you're racing in a car, you're hidden away from the cameras, right? No one can really see, they just see the car going around the track. They do see your eyes behind the visor, but you see so little of the driver. I don't believe you get the credit for actually the physical challenge that you have to undertake when you're competing against 25, 30 other people who can go to the gym and they can squat and they can lift and they can go running for 25 miles, they can do stuff that you can't even attempt to do yet. Come Sunday afternoon, at racetracks around the UK, you compete on 11 level, playing field with them. And I think that you deserve so much credit. Like it, to me, that is more than a world championship, right? That is like. Because that's real. Like, what you've done is real. Would you explain to us the process in the car, actually how much of a physical challenge it is, how different the experience is for you compared to some of the other drivers you compete against?
- [38:59]
Nick Hamilton
Yeah, for sure. I mean, I was literally just having a conversation yesterday with Lewis about this, and even Lewis is still learning the differences with me. When it comes to racing, it's really not that simple. And it's a real pain in the bum, to be honest, because obviously the biggest thing is the disability, and you've got to figure out how the disability works within a race car. And I can't flex my ankles, so my ankles are pretty static in where they are. A lot of drivers accelerate and brake with their ankles and they're able to modulate and control the attitude of the car, braking and accelerating. So everything comes from the thigh muscle with both of my legs, and so I literally have to accelerate and then pull my leg off of the throttle rather than nicely pull it back with the ankle, for example.
- [39:49]
Jake
So it's either on or off at that.
- [39:50]
Nick Hamilton
It's on or off. It's like a switch in some cases. And then obviously you've got the. You've got the pelvis and the hips that are very, very tight. The spasticity in the muscles, you know, constantly. Like a. Like a cold spring almost. So it's like trying to figure out how the hell you use all this tightness. It's like a domino effect, you know, you need the bend in your leg to accelerate, but then when you take your leg off, you can't steer, your leg gets in the way, all that sort of stuff. Then you mold your body into the seat, you pop in ribs because you're moving all the time, you know, and the legs just generally just don't want to work, you know. So my last, you know, my last proper seat fit took me 12 and a half hours to figure out what I need, you know, so I can't just jump from car to car. And obviously the modifications, which are basically, you know, One big accelerator pedal that's really wide, gives me loads of surface area to put my feet. Same with the brake pedal. And then I have a hand clutch. These things are needed for me to race. But then now I'm at a point I'm racing within a second of top touring car drivers and now it's fine details like brake trace and all that sort of stuff. And I'm noticing my disability obviously gives me a disadvantage to find those last like two and a half tenths that you need or, you know, through one sector. But I make it my life goal to figure out how I make my disability faster.
- [41:24]
Jake
So what does success look like for you?
- [41:27]
Nick Hamilton
Success for me is what you, is what you deem it. I feel like you can only succeed at your own life. You can't succeed at anyone else's life, and you can't succeed by doing what other people do. When I was a kid, success for me was walking up three steps without holding on to anything. And having a day where I didn't fall over was a successful day for me. I'm very proud of who I am as a, as a person. I think I'm a very honest and decent individual and I'm really grateful and proud of myself for the man that I've become today. And I feel like I, I'm already successful because I've managed to overcome my disability, live with it in a way that it doesn't plague me, it doesn't affect me to where I'm down in the dumps, you know, I know how to go through life with it. Yes, I've raced cars and I continue to race cars. And I've achieved a goal that I always wanted to achieve, whether it's the fact that I haven't won a race and I don't. I would always love to, you know, but I don't necessarily need to win a race to be successful. I'm already, I'm already there. I'm already doing a great job. And so that's what success is to me. And I'm already there and you know, sitting on this chair, talking to you, talking about my disability so openly, but also my mentality and everything is a success in itself. And I just feel people need to realize that success is only what they can muster up themselves and not really try and be like anyone else.
- [43:12]
Jake
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- [46:19]
Jake
There was a great quote I saw recently from Chloe Kelly, you know, who's just won the Euros with England, and she said, I'd love to say thank you to everyone who wrote me off. Yeah, I'm eternally grateful. Your story reminds me of that quote from Chloe Kelly, because I don't think you are sitting here without the bullies. You're not sitting here without the fact that Lewis allowed you to be his crash test dummy for so many years. You're not sitting here without the parents who allowed you to get yourself up. But to tell people the story, that you were dealt a hard hand and you did the best with it, and here you are with a smile on your face, is only telling half the story. Right. Because in 2016, there was a real challenge for you, a mental health challenge. And I think if you're okay, I would like to talk about it because I think it's such an important part of your story and it's such an important thing for us to discuss for people that watch this show, because there will be very few people listening to this or watching this who carry your disability. Right. There'll be many, many people watching this or listen to this who are suffering with a different kind of challenge, physical or mental. They're in a dark place. They have those exact same feelings of loneliness that you've had all your life. You know, I changed schools because I was bullied. And I'm sure you can relate to this. I feel that sense of loneliness now as much as I did at school. You know that feeling, you know, when you mentioned the kids who pretend they're your friend and they're secretly not the most painful of all.
- [47:39]
Nick Hamilton
Yep.
- [47:40]
Jake
Because you finally think maybe someone is going to be a friend of mine, and then it turns out they're just like everyone else. You know, they're using you to make themselves feel better. And having had therapy myself, are you happy to tell us sort of what happened in 2016, what you went through?
- [47:55]
Nick Hamilton
Yeah, of course. You know, firstly, I don't want to sit here and say that my story is any better than anybody else else is. You know, I'm, I'm here just telling my story like you asked me to do. Everyone's been bullied or, you know, gone through hardships and hard times. This is just how it, how I dealt with it. Now, Obviously, in, in 2016, you know, my motorsport is, was, was and is very, very important to me. It's, it's, it's like the anchor of my life. It gives me the purpose to get up in the morning, overcome my disability, feel like I have purpose and drive and mission and a passion. And I was in and out of motorsport for, for many years due to lack of funding. And a lot of people, you know, think that Lewis pays for my racing and I'm only here because of, of Lewis and because he pays for my motorsport and, and that really, really isn't true. You know, I do everything on my own and I got to a point where I wasn't racing, I couldn't get the budget to, to continue racing and I just, I don't know, I, I was in a position where my dad was a multimillionaire, my brother was a multimillionaire, and I was this person that was basically lost. Where I couldn't race, I couldn't find the money and money became really, really important. Almost like I put success on money. You're only successful if you got a load of money. I didn't really know where I was going to go, what I was going to do, but I just wanted to make a load of money was my plan and didn't know anything about betting or football betting or gambling or whatever. And I never been to a casino in my life and I was in my, in my flat at the time and I logged on to like a, a website, gambling website, and I found online like blackjack. And I was like getting to a point, putting a little bit of money on and I was, I was winning and losing money, winning and losing money, and it put me in a real bad spiral where, you know, I basically had a gambling addiction for like seven months. Got to a point I lost all of my savings, all the money that I put into, all the money that I created myself and for the first time in my life was, you know, trying to, trying to really think about how logistically I could commit suicide at the point, because you are related to a driver or a sports personality that is worth loads of money. And I didn't want that to be a burden on him being like, well, I've got loads of money and my, my brother's struggling from a gambling addiction. And it, it wasn't his fault, no one's fault. No one knew about it. It was just me living a parallel life basically. My, my, my, my like flat was in a state, you know, I just gambled all day with all my savings, basically. And I lost thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands. And I, I couldn't, couldn't speak to my parents. I didn't want to speak to my parents because I thought my dad would kill me to start with. And I don't know what they would say or do. So I spoke to the Samaritans, I decided to call them. And at that point, period of time, I felt like they, they really like saved my life at that point because I was in a dark room at the end of everything, thinking, shoot, what do I do now? Where do I go now? What do I do? And I don't want to talk to my parents, but at least I want to speak to someone. And you know, I'm so angry at myself for, for putting myself through that. It was no one else's fault but my own. But I try to not blame myself too much because I was going through a lot. I've been gone through a lot as a child, and I think a lot of things that happen as a kid, they determine the decisions that you make later in life. And so the first time I was open about that, yeah. Was in my book that I wrote in 2023. And that was a real hard thing to be able to write, but I'm so glad that I did. And hopefully when people write my book or they write my book, when they read my book or listen to this podcast, you know, they see the openness about it and that it's okay to be in dark spaces and dark places. And I speak about dark places so well because I've been in like some of the darkest spots of my life and pulled through it and got it through having some structure in my life, but also a lot of self talk, a lot of, A lot of therapy, and it's built me into the character I am today.
- [52:35]
Jake
What does that darkness look or feel like for you?
- [52:38]
Nick Hamilton
Darkness for me? You know, I was in a point in my life where, yeah, I was just lying on my back on a, on cold floor in a dark room. You know, I do a lot of my thinking in darkness and I think self talk. Sitting there in a cold. On a cold floor, in a cold house, in a cold place, feeling cold. That for me is like, what Darkness feels like. And to mentally try and pull yourself out of that place is the hardest thing Now, Fortunately, I was never into drugs. I don't smoke, I don't drink, so I never looked to that sort of thing to help me deal with it. My mom, from day one, always taught me to deal with pain on my own, like, physical pain. So she sounds awful, but she's not. She's amazing. My mum, like, she never really gave me any, like, medicine or really helps me with my cuts or anything like that. She taught me to deal with the pain, physical pain, without any help or medication or anything. And I think that's really helped with sitting with, like, mental pain. I'm really good at it. I've realized I'm really good at sitting with that pain and realizing that it will. It does subside eventually, you know, but actually, bad days, difficult times, all those moments, the days where you fall over, the days where you. That you struggle, those are the days that. The days that you should actually, you know, hold on tightly to because they. They build you as a man, they build you as a person, as a human. But at the time, you just don't realize it. But I'm so proud to. To be, you know, on here talking about it, to be open about it, because it matches my purpose now, you know, to go through those difficult moments and times. And I know a lot of interviews that I do, I'm very dark, and I'm very. Yeah, I'm very dark. I'm not necessarily, like, happy and having a laugh and having a joke. And that's because I'm here to. To just create awareness. I'm here to be honest. I don't want to be, like, an influencer who tries to pretend that life is going great when really, no, we were struggling here and we're struggling there. I want to be a person that speaks my truth and takes people on the journey with me, because if I can help just one person that's listening to this podcast, then I've done my job.
- [55:22]
Jake
And can I just say, this conversation absolutely will have helped someone. It will have helped people. There'll be people now that don't know where to turn, because that sense of loneliness, again, is a recurring theme, I guess, in your life. You know, that sense of loneliness is very common for people when they're in these dark mental health places. They can't turn to a parent or a partner or a friend because of the stigma or the embarrassment that we still attach to people with mental health challenges. And I think the reason for that is one of the most, like, pernicious and evil emotions that rears its ugly head when we're in a situation like this. And that is that sense of shame. I'm sitting and, you know, like, I know that Lewis gave you a car that you sold, right, to pay your gambling debts. Am I right?
- [56:03]
Nick Hamilton
Yeah, yeah.
- [56:05]
Jake
I mean, the sense of shame that would have been attached to that.
- [56:08]
Nick Hamilton
It was so painful.
- [56:09]
Jake
Was it?
- [56:10]
Nick Hamilton
Yeah, absolutely.
- [56:11]
Jake
It was.
- [56:11]
Nick Hamilton
It was horrible. You know, Lewis got me this present for my birthday. I can't remember what birthday it was. You know, it was amazing. It was like my pride and joy, you know, and I've seen. Because I've done articles, you know, with newspapers and stuff, and I mentioned about this and people are like, oh, poor you. You had this amazing car that you could tell. And. And that's not what I'm talking about.
- [56:33]
Jake
That misses the point entirely.
- [56:35]
Nick Hamilton
It misses the point completely entirely. Right. And. And the. The fact is, is that I was giving this. This thing because really, at the end of the day, it's a thing. But it was from Lewis's kind heart. He wanted to do something that would put a smile on my face. And I put myself in a position where I had to use that to. It wasn't to pay gambling debts because I was never in debt. It was to pay my tax bill, basically. And the guilt that I felt in that moment because it was Lewis's money, even though it was a gift for me, I felt like I didn't work, I didn't earn that car, I didn't physically earn it. And then I put myself in a position and then used it to get myself out of a predicament. And then I literally had no money at that point, where I then used my. My dad luckily didn't sell my first car. And. And so I was driving around in. In my first car and I felt like I'd taken seven years, like, back step, and car was a great car, but it just. It was rusty and didn't look good. But also, people expect me to be keeping up appearances. So when I'm having a picture with them or they see, oh, that's Lewis Hamilton's brother, because a lot of people do, you know, and I'm in this car that's sort of not clean, not going too great, you know, people are like, is that. Is that your car? You know, And. And it was. It was hard for me because I was like, I put myself in that place. But I'm so. I'm so grateful that I did put Myself in that place. It's, it's taught me so much and it's a situation that was awful, but I'm really, I'm really proud of, and, and it's great to be able to talk about it now. It still does hurt and it's still painful and people are always going to be talking about what they've done in the past with pain.
- [58:44]
Jake
But.
- [58:46]
Nick Hamilton
How I got out of it was realizing that I had the strength within myself to do it. I told my mum eventually. She helped me put structure in my life. And the structure literally was just waking up, getting in the shower, being clean, having a clean area, having a clean house, all that sort of stuff. Then I went to the gym and I started doing all that, you know, to try and get myself back and, and have a goal and a task. And I then all of this. It's a real long answer. Jake, apologize. But, but all of this made me realize that success is nothing about money. Money is really, really not important. People say, well, that's, that's easy for you to say when you've got money. Really. At the end of the day, money is just so that you are able to pay bills and live life, hopefully without stress. But it doesn't give any happiness. It doesn't give any fulfillment from my point of view at all. You know what gives me happiness and fulfillment is helping, supporting people, giving people hope and waking up and having a, a goal or a passion or a purpose. Not because it gives me money, because it fulfills my heart and fulfills what I feel like I'm on this planet to do.
- [60:07]
Jake
And the biggest lesson that you took.
- [60:09]
Nick Hamilton
From that period, biggest lesson I took from that period was that it doesn't matter how dark and awful you feel, and you feel that life is, like, pointless and that you feel like, unworthy, you have the strength to, A, get out of it and B, you're already a very, very, very, very valuable human being. And you actually don't need to look to anybody to give you that value or that validation. You have to look at yourself to pull yourself out of those dark moments. And there's going to be people waiting to, to catch you and hug you and support you once you take that first step.
- [60:59]
Jake
And talking of that, the fear you had to tell your dad or to tell your brother. How actually was it?
- [61:07]
Nick Hamilton
So. I don't, I don't know. I, I can't remember actually telling my brother, but I remember, I remember telling my dad I, to eventually call them and bring them over to my, my apartment. At the time, you know, because as I said, fully financially independent, physically independent, I paid everything myself. It was all my stuff, right? And then I just got to a point where I couldn't afford anything else. But luckily I had money coming in from a job that I had, so I still didn't ask my dad for any money. I don't want to ask my dad for any money. I'm in a position, I've got to find my own way out. And so I remember calling my dad and said, dad, everyone come over. So my brother wasn't there. My mum and dad were, obviously, and they could see that my apartment was a state because I was just eating pop noodles basically every day, because as long as I felt full, I didn't really care. It just meant that I could gamble more. That was literally the position I was in. And I hadn't showered and I didn't really care. No one was at my apartment, but they could see how awful it was. And it was a terrible time because I was like, I've gambled all my money away, dad, and I'm not asking for help, but I don't know what to do now. And I was initially really scared because I was like, my dad's gonna kill me. Not literally, obviously, you know, but he's gonna be very upset about it and potentially have a go at me or whatever it is, which won't help. And my mum will be nervous and worried. But he was like, it's normal, pretty much when. His response, it was like, so many people do that. They go to casinos, they've been to casinos, they gamble, some of them walk away, some of them don't, you know. And he even said, you know, he's been to many casino in his time. Fortunately, he was strong enough to walk away, you know, but it does get people in, you know, it does hold them in, so don't worry about it. And I remember, literally after that, he gave me a hug and he was like, if you need anything, I'm here. And that's all I needed from that. And I was like, wow. And that taught me that that's the power of family. That doesn't matter what's going on. They're there to understand. And even if you think they won't, they will. And if they don't understand, that's also not their fault. And if you don't have family, then you have the Samaritans and you have charities that you can talk to. But here, for me, it wasn't my family that pulled me out it was me that pulled me out. So I don't want to be awful. It doesn't sound. I didn't need my family to pull me out. I just needed me.
- [64:01]
Jake
And for people listening to this that are nervous about calling the Samaritans, nervous about seeing a therapist, nervous about telling the world, finally facing up to that shame that they're feeling, your advice?
- [64:15]
Nick Hamilton
Firstly, the Samaritans are incredible. You call them and it's completely anonymous and it's a non judgmental place and space and it's nice just to have someone to talk to, a voice to talk to, go through any feelings that you feel. I wouldn't feel nervous calling the Samaritans ever because it's a real safe place and it's actually really, really empowering when it comes to therapy. Therapy for me is one of the most empowering things that you can do, the strongest things you can do. You know, a lot of people, there's a stigma around therapy. You have to only go to therapy when there's a problem or, you know, if you're struggling or you, you know, a lot of people think, oh, I'm in therapy, so that must mean I'm really struggling or I'm a, you know, really difficult human or, or whatever. For me, if you decide to go to therapy, you're like one of the strongest people there are because you're deciding to, to build your, your mental strength, your mental muscle. You're open to learning more about yourself, learning more about how you can be better for other people in your life and relationships and whatever. And so people that tell me that they're in therapy, I applaud them. And I feel like everyone should at some stage go to therapy. But don't just go to therapy and then stop because you think, oh, I don't feel as bad anymore. Because also therapy, what that does. I realized therapy also teaches you to enjoy the moments where you're happy and succeed in. You don't just go to therapy to talk about life. That's really difficult. You go to therapy. And my therapist, Hannah, it's lovely to walk in and go, hannah, I'm having a great week. She'll be like, amazing. Why? Well, I had a great week because I'm doing this and because I'm doing that and because I'm doing this. Because whilst you're at therapy, you're, you're not just talking to your therapist, in my case, Hannah, you're talking to yourself, you know, and, and, and you're building yourself with all these, you know these tools of strength, talking about really difficult stuff and I'm good at it and then talking about when life is going well and I'm also good at it. And so when people say, ah, stop going therapy because I felt like I'm like, go to therapy, it's like an internal thing. That's where I'm at, you know, as long as you can afford it or I realize I'm in a fortunate position being able to. But try and continue, continue to go because you're always evolving.
- [66:53]
Jake
I've loved this conversation. There's a great phrase that I've, that I've sort of lent on for a long time, which is I was always looking outside myself for strength and for confidence. And now I realize the only place you can find it is within 100. Now I realize it was there all the time.
- [67:09]
Nick Hamilton
Absolutely all the time. You know, and especially, you know, in society today, there's so many people having to look out for outwardly, for external validation and really none of that matters. You know, everyone's on their own journey, on their own path and it's about staying true to yourself, sticking to your guns, what you believe in and you go with it. And you, you'll go through the peaks and troughs and when you go through the, the troughs, you realize you're always strong enough to get through it.
- [67:42]
Jake
What a great way to finish. Nick, thank you so much, man.
- [67:45]
Nick Hamilton
Cheers, Jake. I really appreciate it. Thanks, mate.
- [67:50]
Jake
A huge thanks to Nick for joining us today. I think what really stood out for me was his ability to be honest that he's in a place now where he can really talk about his life and share his life in a way he wasn't able to previously. I'm also so pleased that he's now able to reflect honestly about those moments of deep loneliness. And of course, talk about the decision to find value not in other people's opinions, but in his own actions. And if today's episode has made you think about things in your own life, then there is also the opportunity for you to seek help and support. Just click the link in the description. Equally, if you think this episode might be valuable for somebody else, please do forward it onto them. And if you can, hit follow on Apple or Spotify. It's so valuable to us. Don't forget, if you want more, just head to the High Performance app where you can find access to every episode. You can hear episodes before anyone else and there's loads of exclusive extra content. Thanks for joining us. We'll see you next time.
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