350: Darrell Hammond - Uncovering Cray

Summary

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The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler

Episode 350: Darrell Hammond – Uncovering Cray

Release Date: September 8, 2025
Guest: Darrell Hammond

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Episode Overview

In this deeply candid episode, Ryan Sickler sits down with comedian, impressionist, and SNL icon Darrell Hammond for his first appearance on The HoneyDew. Together, they tackle the most difficult chapters of Hammond’s life: harrowing childhood trauma, battles with addiction, self-harm, and the long road to psychological healing. Hammond shares the origins and inspiration for his new Audible project "Cray," described as "One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest meets The King’s Speech at Saturday Night Live." Through raw, unflinching storytelling and signature humor, the duo exemplify the HoneyDew philosophy—finding connection and hope in the lowest points of life.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introduction and Background

• Darrell’s Origins: Grew up in Melbourne, Florida with an older sister, "a very religious Bible belt kind of place" (04:22).
• Family Dynamics: Parents stayed together unhappily, his father was a WWII veteran deeply haunted by combat trauma (05:09, 08:24).
• Impact of Father’s Trauma: Hammond recalls the darkness and graphic war stories his father would relay after drinking (05:44):

  “With. When he'd get into the Beefeater Gin, he would tell us stories about, oh, smearing brains on his face during a battle.” – Darrell Hammond [05:44]

2. Early Addiction and Self-Harm

• Discovery of Alcohol: First drank at 14, described as transformative ("black and white and desperate to in living color and pleasant") (14:44); quickly escalates.
• First Self-Harm Incident: At 19, in a seemingly automatic dissociative act, Hammond cuts himself at a party—a behavior that recurs through adulthood (21:25):

  “As if by a pre arranged plan... I went to the silverware drawer and pulled out a serrated steak knife...and then I went upstairs and cut myself for the first time.” – Darrell Hammond [21:25]

• Connection to Trauma: Later reveals a lifelong pattern of self-injury (53 wounds) as a means to "create a crisis that's manageable as opposed to the crisis in your head" (26:26).

3. Mental Illness – Misdiagnoses and the Breakthrough

• Spectrum of Misdiagnoses: For decades, labeled schizophrenic, bipolar, "a nut"—none of which resonated or led to healing (24:33, 28:19).
• Breakthrough at Psychiatric Facility: Finally, a perceptive doctor in a New York psych hospital reframes his pain as injury, not illness. This “hallelujah chorus moment” marked a turning point:

  “Mental illness is not an airborne virus. It comes from somewhere, somewhere specific. It has a story. We're going to learn your story.” – Darrell’s Doctor [30:57]

• Importance of Naming Trauma: The doctor argues, "If you can name it, you can tame it." (39:37)

4. The Role of Synesthesia

• Unique Memory and Processing: Hammond describes having synesthesia, associating people and memories with colors. This unique perception became a therapeutic tool in therapy and SNL performances (33:01):

  "All of my SNL characters had colors...I color code everything, and if I can't color code it...I can't understand it." – Darrell Hammond [33:01]

5. Uncovering Childhood Abuse

• Triggering Memory: The “flashbacks” that haunted Hammond turn out to be memories of the trauma inflicted by his mother (39:47, 45:08).
• Physical and Emotional Abuse: As a very young child, Hammond was stabbed in the tongue by his mother with a serrated steak knife, stopped only by the family’s housekeeper, Myrtis (50:03):

  “My mom…pillar of the church…stabbed me in the tongue...she used a serrated steak knife.” – Darrell Hammond [50:10]

• Confrontation With Reality: The therapy process enables Hammond to connect deep-set symptoms (flashbacks, addiction, self-harm) to this original childhood trauma.

6. On Monsters and Survival

• Complicated Mother-Son Relationship: Hammond describes his mother as outwardly devout and spectacularly charismatic but “real monsters hide in the light. They do their work in the dark, but in the light they have a narrative.” (54:44)
• Cycle of Abuse: The show touches on how monsters are made, not born:

  "Monsters aren't born, they're created. You know, in order to be a monster, you first have to be a monster's victim." – Darrell Hammond [62:09]

7. Healing and Recovery

• Ending Self-Harm: Following major therapy breakthroughs, Hammond describes the disappearance of flashbacks, nightmares, and compulsions (61:25):

  “What had happened was the ringing stopped. It did, yeah.” – Darrell Hammond [61:25]

• Daily Practices: Recovery includes cognitive therapy, yoga, gratitude journaling, connection with supportive friends, and ongoing self-awareness (65:20, 67:17):

  “When I have that law of mutuality...a shared experience can bring us health that living alone we cannot get.” – Darrell Hammond [66:19]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On the Performative Nature of Suffering:

  “You cannot do what you have done hundreds of times in front of millions of people flawlessly with a broken brain.” – Dr. K [30:13]

• On the Silence Around Abuse:

  “The greater crime to me is that they expect you not to talk about it. It's the contract 101 between perp and victim. If you do talk about it, it's going to be much worse.” – Darrell Hammond [58:07]

• On Feeling Pity for the Abuser:

  “Nothing frees you from your perpetrator any better than a little sympathy for the devil. Like, I felt pity and fear for her.” – Darrell Hammond [60:09]

• On Rediscovering Joy:

  “Swear to God, once in a while I feel pretty good...I was able to hold my own...it was a great night of comedy. I felt really good that night.” – Darrell Hammond [67:17]

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Important Segment Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | |------------|---------------------------------------------------------| | 03:35 | Darrell introduces "Cray," his Audible memoir | | 05:09 | Family background; father’s PTSD, war trauma | | 14:44 | First experience with alcohol | | 21:25 | First act of self-harm | | 24:55 | Decades-long misdiagnosis; role of alcohol | | 28:58 | Psychiatric hospital stay; Dr. K’s intervention | | 33:01 | Synesthesia and the role of color in memory | | 39:03 | Therapeutic breakthrough; "naming the trauma" | | 50:03 | Memory of being stabbed by mother; link to self-harm | | 58:07 | Speaking out against the silence of abuse | | 62:09 | On the cycle of abuse | | 65:20 | Implementing daily practices for recovery | | 68:23 | Mafia story anecdote | | 72:20 | Advice to 16-year-old Darrell Hammond |

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Memorable Anecdotes

"The German Luger and the Brain-Smearing Story" (07:42)

Darrell recalls how his father’s PTSD predictably colored childhood mood, hinging on whether he emerged with a baseball glove or a Nazi pistol.

“If he came out with the baseball glove, it's going to be a good day. If he came out with a German Luger, means he'd been having nightmares...” – Darrell Hammond

“The Mayonnaise Mouth Gas Station Guy” (19:02)

As a teen, Darrell and his friends would bribe a strange but memorable clerk for beer:

“He always seemed to have a dab of mayonnaise at the corner of his mouth...he would sell us beer because he wanted to talk to us...‘I need to get me some strange.’”

"SNL & Hiding Self-Harm Scars" (29:21)

Ryan asks if Darrell had to cover scars at SNL. He replies candidly—sometimes there are visible signs, captured in the documentary Cracked Up.

"The Mafia Story" (68:23)

Darrell drunkenly attempts to enlist the help of the mafia after being set up in a Caribbean drug sting, only to wake outside a Mulberry St. social club covered in marinara sauce:

“I woke up on a pile of sand and my shirt was covered in red...Apparently I'd eaten. I'd eaten...when you kill somebody and you pass out, you wake up outside on a mouth of sand covered in mar...Give the guys some sconjili...Throw them out back.” – Darrell Hammond [71:32]

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Reflections & Takeaways

• The Power of Uncovering Lowlights: Hammond’s story epitomizes The HoneyDew’s mission of highlighting and finding hope in life's darkest corners.
• Impressions and Survival: Comedy, impressions, and synesthesia all helped Hammond mask and survive his suffering.
• Naming and Sympathizing with Trauma: Healing begins when trauma is acknowledged and named; sympathy for abusers can help break the cycle.
• Daily Recovery Practices Matter: Cognitive and social tools provide Hammond with hope, peace, and occasional joy—even after lifelong pain.

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Ryan’s Final Question and Hammond’s Advice to His 16-Year-Old Self

“What would you say to 16-year-old Daryl Hammond?”
Darrell: “Go see a shrink...I think what I would want to tell him is you're going to meet five American presidents. Five men, presidents of the United States would call you by your first name.” (72:43)

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Promotion & Further Listening

• Cray – Darrell’s Audible memoir:

  “One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest meets the King’s Speech at Saturday Night Live.”

• Cracked Up – Documentary on Darrell's life and healing journey

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Closing Note:
This episode is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit, the complexity of healing, and the vital role of storytelling as connection. Hammond’s vulnerability and dark humor make this essential listening for anyone who’s grappled with trauma, mental health, or the search for connection.

Transcript

[Sarah]

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[Daryl Hammond]

So long you strange soggy. Break up with bland breakfast and taste.

[Ryan Sickler]

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[Sarah]

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[Daryl Hammond]

Break up with bland breakfasts and taste.

[Ryan Sickler]

AM PMs bacon, egg and cheese biscuit made with cage free eggs, smoked bacon and melty cheese on a buttery biscuit. AM P M Too much Good stuff.

[Sarah]

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[Ryan Sickler]

San Diego I'll be at the Grand Comedy Club Friday, October 3rd. Get your tickets now on my website at Ryan Sickler.com the Honeydew with Ryan.

[Daryl Hammond]

Sickler.

[Ryan Sickler]

Welcome back to the Honeydew, y'.

[Daryl Hammond]

All.

[Ryan Sickler]

We're over here doing it in Night Pants Studios. I'm Ryan Sickler. Thank you for watching this show. Thank you for supporting anything I do. I say it every week when I start these episodes, and I genuinely mean it. And if you guys got to have more than you got to have the Patreon, it's called the Honeydew with y', all, and y' all have the wildest stories on the Internet. It's only five bucks a month. And if you or someone you know has a story that has to be heard, please submit it to [e-mail]. we would love to do your story. All right, that's it. You guys know what we do here? We highlight the low lights. And I always say that these are the stories behind the storytellers. I am very excited to have this guest here. First time on the Honeydew. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Daryl Hammond. Welcome to the Honeydew, Daryl Hammond. Let me give you some love, brother.

[Daryl Hammond]

Do you play sound effect a sound effects track? No, it's just you clapping.

[Ryan Sickler]

It's just me generally clapping with excitement for you in the studio.

[Daryl Hammond]

That's cool, man. Happy to be here. I'm flattered, actually.

[Ryan Sickler]

Thank you for being here. Before we get into what we're going to talk about, please promote everything and anything you like. That's you right there. That's us.

[Daryl Hammond]

Promote. You want me to promote it? Yeah. Cray Cr C R A Y on audible. It's One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest meets the King's Speech at Saturday Night Live. That's a fantastic long line. That'll give you an idea of what's going on. One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest meets King Speech at Saturday Night Live.

[Ryan Sickler]

And that's where now it's on audible. On audible. Yeah, and I'd love to, because, look, the story of Cray is basically your life story. Can we get that version right here today, please?

[Daryl Hammond]

You'd have to prod me, but I love. I mean, I wouldn't know where to begin.

[Ryan Sickler]

I'll. I'll ask. Where are you from originally?

[Daryl Hammond]

Melbourne, Florida.

[Ryan Sickler]

Melbourne, Florida. All right. And how many siblings do you have?

[Daryl Hammond]

I have one sister.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay. Older or younger?

[Daryl Hammond]

Older.

[Ryan Sickler]

All right. And mom and dad, are they together? When you're young, do they split?

[Daryl Hammond]

They were together, I guess you could call it. I wouldn't say happily together, but they stayed together.

[Ryan Sickler]

So the old school marriage thing, like stay together because the kids. Yeah. What age do they split?

[Daryl Hammond]

They never split. Both have deceased.

[Ryan Sickler]

They stayed together the whole time even though they weren't happy.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yes, they did. I don't think they were happy. I don't think they would tell you they were happy. But, I mean, it was a very religious Bible belt kind of place where you just didn't do it.

[Ryan Sickler]

Were your parents religious Bible belt people or they just didn't want to go against what was going on?

[Daryl Hammond]

My father had his own ideas about God, which he didn't care for church, but after fighting Nazis and seeing Nazis and seeing them person and have them try to kill him and him trying to kill them, and his ideas about verifiable evil in this world and almost biblical evil.

[Ryan Sickler]

That he was in World War II.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

And he shared these stories with you many times over.

[Daryl Hammond]

You know, with. When he'd get into the Beefeater Gin, he would tell us stories about, oh, smearing brains on his face during a battle. Like, what? Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

How old are you when you're hearing this?

[Daryl Hammond]

Eleven. Oh, my God. The best story he told to me, Daryl, I'm 52 and I'm freaked out.

[Ryan Sickler]

Here and smear braids on my face.

[Daryl Hammond]

You're 11 hearing this and he's just telling you. Oh, the best story was when he would. He would tell. When he really got knee deep and, like, really dangerously drunk on Beefeater Jen, which is a wonderful gin, by the way, but I don't think you're supposed to drink that much of it.

[Ryan Sickler]

But how much is he consuming?

[Daryl Hammond]

Like, I mean, he'd get halfway through a bottle. He would, you know, like, I've had Beef Eater martinis, which is. I don't think there's anything better on this earth.

[Ryan Sickler]

Is that right? That's your drink? Was.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah. Except towards the end, I got. I stopped trying to drink something because I thought it tasted good or I just got straight into the Anchor, which is almost like mainlining heroin for me.

[Ryan Sickler]

Is it? Jaeger is.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Always. Like, it's like a cough medicine to me. I could never.

[Daryl Hammond]

I know it tastes.

[Ryan Sickler]

It's. It's. It's an acquired.

[Daryl Hammond]

Do you curse on this show?

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, yeah.

[Daryl Hammond]

Okay. So it has a shitty taste, but it gets you drunk real fast. And for a guy like me who had a broken heart over a couple of things, I. I wanted. I. I didn't want to. Around, like, I don't want to wait eight hours to get drunk. Let's get it done now. Let's get it done real quick. We know why. I know why I'm here. And Jaeger is certainly a fine product, but again, I was. I was misusing it. I was using it to get oblivious as quickly as I could, you know.

[Ryan Sickler]

So wait, let's go back to your dad, the craziest one.

[Daryl Hammond]

You were going to tell us the story. He had a German Luger so you could tell what kind of mood he was in. If he came out of the bedroom with a catch, with a baseball glove. He had an old timey baseball glove which he dearly loved. And he also had a German Luger. So if he came out with the baseball gloves, going to be a good day. If he came out with a German Luger, means he'd been having nightmares tonight. I mean that, I mean, you could tell he'd come out with a Luger because you could hear him screaming asleep.

[Ryan Sickler]

So you knew it was coming the next day. He's having literal night terrors. Before we're recording, we're talking about our, this, this man's.

[Daryl Hammond]

He used to talk about, about, you know, he'd been, you know, at that point he was, you know, this is. Even towards the end of his life he would talk about how he. He's pretty old, he's in his 80s, he's seen a lot of stuff, but he never saw anything like the eyes of a Nazi. And he just was convinced that this was not about patriotism or protecting a country or not even a conscript soldier. Like for instance, he had a lot of respect for Korean soldiers because they were soldiers. But these cats, they're into something else.

[Ryan Sickler]

I see.

[Daryl Hammond]

And their eyes haunted him till his death, you know, at 88. And he fought them when he was in his early 20s.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah, I mean, he's just a young.

[Daryl Hammond]

Man doing this, never left him.

[Ryan Sickler]

And he's telling you these stories in detail like that.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah. I mean, what had happened was there was a battle where everyone around them, they, they got the shot out of them and there were Nazis walking through looking for bodies and everyone appeared to be dead and he wanted to appear to be dead, so he smeared his face with brains. Stay alive.

[Ryan Sickler]

You know what's not for me? The military.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah. You know what I mean? I've known since I was a little kid like that.

[Ryan Sickler]

For me, it just. Not for me.

[Daryl Hammond]

And also, you know, he was an 18 year old boy when he joined up and he. Because he thought that was the thing to do.

[Ryan Sickler]

Did he join or were it.

[Daryl Hammond]

He joined.

[Ryan Sickler]

It was. He wasn't drafted then. He was like, I'm doing this.

[Daryl Hammond]

No. He'd heard about Hitler and he wanted to fight Hitler. He didn't know what Hitler was.

[Ryan Sickler]

Gotcha.

[Daryl Hammond]

You know he is like any young man, like, yo, I'm gonna defend the country and all that. They didn't really understand what they were walking into. And then, I mean, you know this. He grew up in Florida, went to Palma, see a Methodist church, baseball player in Tampa, Florida. You know, he's. He's a good kid. And they drove him nuts. They drove him out of his mind. Seeing the things that he saw, I can't even imagine seeing. You know, there was this one guy, kid who was developmentally challenged. You know, he's. But he was loved by the men. And somehow he. When the shooting started, he freaked and he wandered off from where they were and he was picked up by the Nazis and they hung him from the tree in front of them. And the. The men had to lay down there and watch the kid be. And they hung him very badly so that there was straight. A lot of struggle. And, you know, I once heard someone say, if you're not committing atrocities in war, if you're not committing atrocities, you're losing. Losing. So there's that story. Well, anyway.

[Ryan Sickler]

And what's mom doing?

[Daryl Hammond]

Church.

[Ryan Sickler]

Is she just taking care of the family and stuff? Or does she have a job as well? Or she work at the.

[Daryl Hammond]

She didn't have a job until. Until later. Until. Well, that's not true. I think by the time I was like eight or nine years old, she was working as a gray lady at the elementary school. And I don't know that. I don't know that. That they paid those women.

[Ryan Sickler]

What's a gray lady?

[Daryl Hammond]

Nurse.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, okay.

[Daryl Hammond]

Clinic.

[Ryan Sickler]

So she's helping out at the school then?

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah. And later, I'd say when I got into my teens, she took a job as a secretary. She learned. She went to secretarial school.

[Sarah]

We all know that feeling. You finally managed to get away on vacation and the worrying starts. Will that bogus beware of dog sign keep your home safe? What about that fake camera you set up? And will someone finally find your old hide and key rock? That's where ADT comes in, all that stuff. It's safe ish. It seems fine when you don't really think about it, but you know, it truly doesn't work. Instead, ADT provides security solutions that keep you actually safe, giving you real peace of mind. Because vacation is supposed to be, you know, relaxing. Don't settle for Safe ish. Visit ADT.com today to learn more.

[Ryan Sickler]

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[Sarah]

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[Ryan Sickler]

I would have guessed 27.

[Sarah]

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[Ryan Sickler]

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[Daryl Hammond]

Terrific.

[Sarah]

Is something wrong, Ned?

[Daryl Hammond]

Why would you ask?

[Sarah]

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[Ryan Sickler]

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[Daryl Hammond]

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[Ryan Sickler]

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[Sarah]

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[Ryan Sickler]

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[Sarah]

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[Ryan Sickler]

So with all the.

[Daryl Hammond]

Oh, I had the German Luger story.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[Daryl Hammond]

He watching this mascot being hung like that deliberately so that he suffered for a while and didn't die for a while. He killed somebody. He got medals. And you know, you get a medal in the war, it's not for shaking hands. He killed people and he took a German Luger off a Nazi and took it home with him. And so when he was in the gin, he would say, you know, I shot him. I mean, he's just point blank range. And God damn it, I hope I'll go to hell because I know he's in hell and what I want to do to him will be legal in hell. You know what? I've never hated someone so much that.

[Ryan Sickler]

I thought, you know what?

[Daryl Hammond]

I want to go to the shitty.

[Ryan Sickler]

Place you go so I can see you again and put my.

[Daryl Hammond]

I know you're going to hell and I'm coming after you. Yeah. Because what I wanted you is going to be legal down there. Yeah, man. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

So then you're seeing all this at a. As a small child, when do you. What's your first sip of alcohol? What is your first step into addiction? And how old are you?

[Daryl Hammond]

When I was 14, I drank two Bush beers and it was. Life went from black and white and desperate to in living color and pleasant and. And comfortable. Unforgettable. Was. We were kids and the kids would go, I don't know. I don't know where the hell I got beer. But they had a six pack of Bush and I drank two of them. And it was certainly the greatest experience of my life.

[Ryan Sickler]

You loved it.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah. I didn't feel that was your first.

[Ryan Sickler]

Sip of alcohol or anything.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Had you ever. I wanted to ask you this because a lot of first. But I talked to people on our other show the way back. A lot of times people's first buzz was dip or snuff or anything. Did you ever try any of that before drinking?

[Daryl Hammond]

Not before drinking, but I did do. I did do dip and you get like a.

[Ryan Sickler]

That's a different kind of buzz.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah. And you know, there were Kids, you know, we. Baseball was my life. And yeah, there were kids that, that chewed tobacco while they played. But I couldn't do that. What if I swallowed it? And also it, it would buzz me a little, which. I love being buzzed. But not while I'm facing a fastball, you know? Yeah. Not while I'm trying to hit a curveball. Right.

[Ryan Sickler]

So you have two bush beers and then what is it on from there? Or do you slowly get into this? Or is it. We're doing this very slowly.

[Daryl Hammond]

And I was. When I was 14, when I was 15 or 16, you know, the kids, and I mean good kids who never got in trouble in the law and had good grades and went to college and had to. But they're kids and they would drink. Tall boys. 16 ounce tall boys. And brother, I've never tasted anything better than a 16 ounce Budweiser. Sorry.

[Ryan Sickler]

Don't say sorry.

[Daryl Hammond]

And I've eaten in the best. I love it because you earlier, you're.

[Ryan Sickler]

Like, man, I have a beef eater. Jim Bartini. But Budweiser is what got you.

[Daryl Hammond]

Well, I never drank a bunch a martini without a Bud. I mean, come on.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, really?

[Daryl Hammond]

Oh, no.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, it's a chaser.

[Daryl Hammond]

I, I like the two. The boilermaker effect, you know. And later on, Beefeater got too. If I drank Beefeater, there was no chance of socializing and I would, I would drink it like at home. If I drank Jack Daniels, it was a possibility. I drank whiskey. So I got into, you know, a beer and a. And a. And. And I love Jamie and I love Jack. Those were beautiful. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

What was your first liquor? So you're hitting beer at first. You're having Bush and Bu. What's the first liquor you had?

[Daryl Hammond]

Well, the first time I got drunk was when I went over to Buford's house. He's the offensive tackle and I'm the quarterback. And we were just going to hang out and do what stupid kids do when you're 14, you got no moves you can make. He got the guy across the street, I won't say his name, who was a teenager to buy us seagram7. So we didn't know anything about it. And he took two highball glasses and poured them almost to the top with Seagram 7, splashed it with ginger ale so it would taste good, and we drank them. We drank probably three or four ounces.

[Ryan Sickler]

Like, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.

[Daryl Hammond]

And the next thing I know, the quarterback of the Melbourne High School JV football team and the All State defensive tackle were slow dancing. Slow dance. We slow dance. So what? I don't know. Something like. I don't know what it. I don't know what this song was, but we were slow. I don't even know if there was a song better. There's no song. You guys just hugging it out and dancing. Yeah. I love that. It's burned in there, too. Oh, yeah. Unforgettable stuff. So after that.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah, okay, I'm sorry. After that.

[Daryl Hammond]

Well, then, you know, mostly I just did. Hung out with the guys and. And. And tried to get. We tried to get people to buy his beer and we'd give them extra beer. And then there was always the guy. There was Leland at the gas station, who was. Had a misshapen head and sort of a twisted leer. Like his eyes. The eyes didn't quite seem to belong to the same person. Like the two different eyes. Yeah. And he always seemed to have a dab of mayonnaise at the corner of his mouth. Yes. No kidding. Can't write this. I know exactly what you're talking. And he would. He never heard it. Hold on.

[Ryan Sickler]

I've never heard anyone call it a dab of mayonnaise. It is the perfect.

[Daryl Hammond]

He always seemed to have a dab of mayonnaise the corner of his mouth. He would sell us beer because he wanted to talk to us. He. He correctly understood that we were quote, unquote jocks. We were playing.

[Ryan Sickler]

We were ball players.

[Daryl Hammond]

And. And he used to say, we'd ask him how he's doing. He's like, I need to get me some pussy. No, he said, I need to get me some strange. Strange.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, yeah.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah. I was like, we're like, great, see ya. You know, I need to get me some strange. Oh, yeah. But it was so impassioned, you know, so impassioned. It was like, how am I doing, buddy? I need to get me some drains. That's a problem. He was so into it.

[Ryan Sickler]

He sounds like he was out of it.

[Daryl Hammond]

Actually. He needed to get into that strain. Yeah. I think someone had hit him at some point. You know, you're thinking about. You're walking around the gas station all day long and you can't stop thinking about it. Get me some drains.

[Ryan Sickler]

So at what point let's. Let's dive into a little bit of cray here. At what point do you realize you're struggling now with alcohol? That's. Now it's a problem. How old are you at that point?

[Daryl Hammond]

Well, to begin cray, you have to begin when I was 19 years old and I was drinking beer with my friends. And as if by a pre arranged plan, as if it had, there had been a program in me that at some point would enact itself, it would fire. We were at this beautiful party on the beach. Dancing girls, pretty girls, surfers, you know what I mean? It was just a really pleasant scene. Playing music I like, like an automaton. I just rose from where we were and I walked into the kitchen and I pulled out, I went to the silverware drawer and pulled out a serrated steak knife. A serrated steak knife is important in the story. Don't know why I put like my mind. Didn't even know my hand. Just found it. And then I went upstairs and cut myself for the first time. You can, I think you can still see it. Can you still see that there?

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah. That one you just stabbed.

[Daryl Hammond]

Cut. Serrated steak knife cut. It had no idea why and you know, significance. This is stitches.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[Daryl Hammond]

You know, I mean down there, they don't stitch you up for, you know, for, for a little cut. It was, it bled terribly, you know, cutting right in there. When I was 25, I remember waking up in this, this SRO in New York City and I realized that I hadn't been sober in, in a year. Even though I'd been waiting tables and I had a lot to drink about, literally every day. Well, after work, after working, you know, I was young and strong. I was still strong at 25. And I would wait tables, we'd all go out and get drunk, get up and do it again. It had been a year since I, I had not had a sober night in a year. I, I don't. Alcohol is, is, is the smoke. It's the symptom that there's a fire. And I wouldn't get to what that fire was until much later in life.

[Ryan Sickler]

What finally took you there?

[Daryl Hammond]

Sorry. I have 53 self inflicted wounds and all from knives. I guess occasionally I would use something other than I only use the serrated steak knife the first time.

[Ryan Sickler]

For cutting.

[Daryl Hammond]

For cutting? Yeah. Straight.

[Ryan Sickler]

You've never done anything crazy like shot yourself in the foot or anything like. That's what I'm getting at here. No, this is also cutting.

[Daryl Hammond]

From the age of 19 until the age of 50, I went to a series of doctors who had in the faintest idea what the was wrong with me. And I'm talking about real doctors, not punks Park Avenue doctors. No one could understand what was wrong with me. And they started throwing out the, the usual suspects.

[Ryan Sickler]

Which are what, what Are they bipolar? Okay.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah. PT Complex PTSD mirrors, bipolar. They look a lot alike. You get upset for no reason. I can't understand why I'm upset. Suddenly I'm enraged. Well, that's. That's what complex PTSD is. Which. We could get into that on another. Another program if you want, because it's.

[Ryan Sickler]

I would like to. Yeah.

[Daryl Hammond]

It's kind of involved, you know, but when I. I finally cut myself so bad that when they took me to the hospital, the cut was so deep that the doctors could no longer say, this is Cornell Hospital in New York. They could no longer say, he's just a cutter. He's not really trying to hurt himself. He. He just. He's doing just cuts. Well, this was savage. This was the kind where meat blossoms from the cut, like the meat under. In the middle of your arm, bubbles.

[Ryan Sickler]

Up and comes out like pink.

[Daryl Hammond]

It was a savage cut. So they reasoned, you know what? We've been wanting them to send them to the nut house for a long time. And there's a great one upstate, and they sent me there.

[Ryan Sickler]

What age are you at this point?

[Daryl Hammond]

50 something? 51.

[Ryan Sickler]

That's when they sent you?

[Daryl Hammond]

Maybe 50 into my 50s.

[Ryan Sickler]

Can I ask you this quick question before we get back to the hospital they send you to? What did you like about cutting yourself?

[Daryl Hammond]

Well, there's a couple of reasons. A couple things. A. It's a way of creating a crisis that's. That's manageable as opposed to the crisis in your head. Blanket terror. I don't know if you know terror. Do you? Terror. You can't talk, you can't move. Like a rabbit freezing in front of a snake. Terror. So I could create a crisis that was manageable.

[Ryan Sickler]

I see. I can fix this. I can and it will break the spell.

[Daryl Hammond]

The thing that was going on in my head and what was going on in my head was a series of flashbacks. A series of. I'd see red, I heard pounding. It was real psycho, you know.

[Ryan Sickler]

And for years you're going through this.

[Daryl Hammond]

Well, I'm going to the doctor. They don't know what the hell's.

[Ryan Sickler]

Right, but I'm saying you would see the flashbacks for years and everything.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah. And then I. When I would cut, it would go away.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay, so cutting was actually a solution, not a problem.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yes.

[Ryan Sickler]

With way you're using it.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah. Because, I mean, if you look, you can see the cut. Yeah. I was never really trying to kill myself.

[Ryan Sickler]

But you also was never about, like, it actually feels good. This was more of about, like, if I Do this, I can fix this. And it stops this.

[Daryl Hammond]

If anything, it felt bad because it so mimics. Because there's something going in you don't want going in. And then something comes out you don't want either. It mimics that, that sort of thing. When a child is forced into involuntary sex and they don't even know what it is.

[Ryan Sickler]

And did that happen to you?

[Daryl Hammond]

Well, yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

When did you realize that?

[Daryl Hammond]

Oh, you're getting ahead of ourselves.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay, wait, let's go to the hospital first. Because they're sending you to the hospital.

[Daryl Hammond]

And the doctor said, he comes in, this is Dr. K, and he's 50, 100 years ahead of his time. And he walks in, he's like, let me see. You are schizophrenic, you are bipolar, unipolar. You are manic depressive, you are psychotic. You are a borderline personality. Let's face it, you are a nut. And I was like, haha. You know, he was just trying to. I was like. He said, I'm laughing, Daryl, because you're not any of these things.

[Ryan Sickler]

Right, I get it.

[Daryl Hammond]

And these are all.

[Ryan Sickler]

These are what they've been telling you for years.

[Daryl Hammond]

What are they going to do? What are they going to do in the emergency room? They can only keep you for 24 hours. So they're like, well, it's got to be one of these. How come he keeps cutting himself? The guys on TV's a mate. Not a major star, but at that time was a bit of a star. I'm meeting presidents, working with them.

[Ryan Sickler]

Are you working on SNL all the time?

[Daryl Hammond]

Yes.

[Ryan Sickler]

How are you keeping that secret and hidden? Do you demand to wear long sleeves on all your sketches?

[Daryl Hammond]

No.

[Ryan Sickler]

If I go back and look at any old SNL sketches, are you ever in short sleeves?

[Daryl Hammond]

I don't think so. But there is a picture of me when I, When I was in a dress. I was playing a woman. If you see the, the movie, the documentary cracked up. They isolated a scene where I was out there and you could see that I was cut.

[Ryan Sickler]

You could.

[Daryl Hammond]

I also cut before my first Gore debate. Bush Gore debate.

[Ryan Sickler]

Like, how will you say before? How. How long before? Minutes, hour two.

[Daryl Hammond]

Are you serious? Yes.

[Ryan Sickler]

And is that just to help yourself.

[Daryl Hammond]

To stabilize me so I can go out there?

[Ryan Sickler]

Wow. So. So he says you're. I'm laughing because you're none of these things. He says to you?

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah, I'm laughing because you're none of these things. And I said, you know, maybe my brain is broken. And he's like, you Know you cannot do what you have done hundreds of times in front of millions of people flawlessly with a broken brain. And then he gets down to it and he blows my mind. He goes, you're here because of something that happened to you. We're not blocking an enzyme. We're not playing that game. You're in this room tonight because of something that happened to you.

[Ryan Sickler]

I like this guy.

[Daryl Hammond]

And I'm like, it was my hallelujah chorus moment. And he said, and this is. This is the centerpiece of the play. He says, mental illness is not an airborne virus. It comes from somewhere, somewhere specific. It has a story. We're going to learn your story. I'm like, what the fuck?

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[Daryl Hammond]

You know, I couldn't believe it.

[Ryan Sickler]

You know, I mean, I'm 52 right now and I'm even thinking to myself, if a doctor's saying this to me, I'm going to be a little bit of like, what do we talk? How I'm going to learn new shit? How all of a su. Yeah, like what happened? Talking about you help me out here, bud.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah, well, to brag to crack me open because all the doctors were trying to crack me open to crack me open. He used colors. I have synesthesia.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, you do?

[Daryl Hammond]

Okay, so I color code everything, and if I can't Color code it, for instance. I can't understand it.

[Ryan Sickler]

So for those that don't know, synesthesia is part of it. I've read a little bit about memory and things, too. But you. You can explain a song to me in a color. This sounds blue to me.

[Daryl Hammond]

All of my SNL characters had colors, okay. And, you know, I don't know why people. People used to wonder why I was making colors on my pages. Different colors. Because every person that had a different color. For instance, I tried to do. I was a. I couldn't do math. And they sent me to this experimental class where we broke down numbers into colors. Okay? That happened. I could do math.

[Ryan Sickler]

You saw it. I'm a huge Hendrix super freak. And I know that he was that way as well with music. And then his engineer, Eddie Kramer, was the same. So he met someone that was. When he would say, hey, I'm hearing this orange. He was like, got it. And he was like, yes. And I'm like, man, you need that if you're gonna have that, you know, like, that's brilliant to be able to communicate that. This sounds red to me. So, okay, so he starts using colors. And what does that do for you?

[Daryl Hammond]

Who, the doctor? Well, he's just full. He's just fiddling around. At first, he comes in. He's like, I'd like to try something. And he says, what color was Porky the Pig? I'm like, yellow, Bugs Bunny, aqua, Geraldo Rivera? What colors? He did. What color is he? He's black with streaks of light blue.

[Ryan Sickler]

And that's really how you saw Bugs Bunny?

[Daryl Hammond]

All of them. And no one ever. Peewee Herman, green. You know, Bill Clinton, orange. George Bush, brown. Yeah. And then he says, can I ask you.

[Ryan Sickler]

I know people are going to yell at me for interrupting you, but had you ever communicated that to anybody ever before? You ever said, when you see Bill Clinton, do you see orange? Did you ever.

[Daryl Hammond]

No, no, no, no, no. I knew I was a freak.

[Ryan Sickler]

You knew. But this is the first person introducing color to you and asking you.

[Daryl Hammond]

This is the first person that understood what synesthesia was. And, yeah, I knew I was a freak in that way. Okay? Everything had a color. So once he figures, okay, so he goes through that. What was the last one? Bugs Bunny, Porky Pig, Peewee Herman.

[Ryan Sickler]

Peewee Herman, Bill Clinton. George Bush.

[Daryl Hammond]

George Bush. And at one point, he's. Because, remember, I'm having these flashbacks, right? And in the flashbacks, it was sort of. Remember, in a flashback, you're not seeing this in front of you. It's in your mind's eye, right? You feel red. You feel it. And I. And I had this thing about this. This sound. What was that? Every time? And then I would cut and the whole thing would go away. So there was always that sound. I don't know. And I don't know what it was. And it was. This is boring. But it got more sophisticated over the years. So it became. Instead of just red, it became a square with red in it. And then the red was a lava lamp. So that. So you have a square with different. With red. Anyway, so he says, are any of the characters red? I'm like, no. He's like, no, red. And I told him, I'm like, I don't like it. I don't know why I don't like it. I don't like it. I mean, I don't have to like it. I don't have to know why I don't like it. I just don't like red. And he said, what color was the house you grew up in? Like, beige. The furniture inside, beige. Everything was beige. The yard was light green because the sand from the beach would blow. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Florida.

[Daryl Hammond]

Even from two. Even from two miles away, we had lots of sand in our yard because that Atlantic Ocean has a very strong wind. So it was just very, very bland. And then he says, where was the red? I'm like, there was no red. There was no red. He's like. Then he gets, like, all freaky. I mean, he's like, but there has to be.

[Ryan Sickler]

You should have won a Nazi flag.

[Daryl Hammond]

And I'm going, yeah. I'm going, how does. Like, he was so hypnotized, but Nikes. But that has to be. That has to be red. I was like, oh, you'd be like, what, you mean like a flower? He said, yeah. I said, well, there was a hibiscus bush. And he flipped. He was like, a hibiscus bush. A hibiscus bush. I'm like, what is significant about her? He says, it says right here, doctors 29 through 35, every time you have this quote unquote flashback in your mind, you see red. There's red in a window. And now you tell me there's a hibiscus bush in a window that's two miles from the windy sea. And now we're on our way. Freaky, right? That thumping. What was that? The hibiscus, the wind blowing from the ocean.

[Ryan Sickler]

The window. Are you, like, inside looking out or outside looking in?

[Daryl Hammond]

What he had determined to determine was who done it. He's like, I'm not gonna block an enzyme and cure you. I'm not going to stop uptake of cells with Prozac and kill you. That's not going to work. If you can name it, you can tame it. We need to name it.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, I've never heard that either. If you can name it, you can tame it. All right, we need to say we're.

[Daryl Hammond]

Going to find it and we're going to tame it. Right, so this is just one on.

[Ryan Sickler]

One session with you and this doctor, huh?

[Daryl Hammond]

Well, he's, he was, he's.

[Ryan Sickler]

I feel like I'm talking to him right now.

[Daryl Hammond]

He was very, very freaky, man. I mean, the way he could have a conversation with you, like one time he goes, I've noticed in your self talk that you use a lot of absolutes. I heard you say nobody likes me more than once. I've heard you say everybody hates me more than once. And I was like, yeah, everyone does kind of hate me. He said, everybody. Five billion people. I'm like, nah, that's not what I mean. He's like, well, you said everybody, about a hundred million people. Do 100 million people hate you? I'm like, stop, come on. He's like, 50,000. I'm like, I. You're getting to me. 50,000. Do, do, do. 25, 000 people. I'm like, I'm not talking. He's like, about 50. I go, maybe that I can believe. He even had this one time where he came in and he said, permission to speak freely? And I said, no. You did. You said no. I love that you said. Because every time he, he walked in the room, he dropped an atom bomb. Yeah, I'm like, I'm like really, really tired. It's just haymaker after haymaker, bro. Yeah, just give me a minute. Yeah, it's just like Tyson. Every day Tyson walks in Mike Tyson's kitchen. He says, has anyone ever told you that you're an. I was like, yeah, I guess, I guess. He's like, how many times today? It's only 10 o' clock in the morning. It must have happened by now. I'm like, all right, I'm sorry. I had to apologize to him because I was an. I mean, I'd say weird to him too. Like, I remember one time he said to me, I, I forget what we were talking about, but I said, hey, listen pal, now you listen to me, all right, buddy? I don't know what you're telling me about this and that and something happened to me and like that I'm saying, I've been on the most popular TV show of all time. You got that? I'm saying I've met four American presidents. They know me by my first name. Do you understand what I'm trying to bring out here? And you could getting up all in my face and I know what I'm doing. And he said, do you? What are your keys? I'm like, like, no, I know he's around again. I'm like, my keys. He's like, to your apartment? Where are the keys to your apartment? I was like, someone took him. He's like, who? Oh, my God. Who? Who took your keys from you? I'm like, state of New York. The state of New York took your keys. Oh, my God. So while you're dazzling them up on the high wire, as you have just described, the state of New York has taken your keys. I don't know about you, but I don't believe this is like a high five moment. Do you understand? I'm like, shut up. I mean, he just. But he was so. He was so smart. You couldn't. You couldn't beat him. He couldn't beat a person with a brain like that. Right.

[Ryan Sickler]

You also wonder how many different Daryl Hammonds have been in there. And every angle they've tried on this guy, he's probably seen.

[Daryl Hammond]

You wouldn't believe who had. I won't say her name, this major star who. A woman who I've admired had the same bed. She was there before me.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, really?

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah. I mean, the cat. The cat.

[Ryan Sickler]

It worked for her.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah. It's a big psychiatric facility in upstate New York called the Haven. And it's got 14 separate psychiatric facilities for every mental disorder you know, known to man.

[Ryan Sickler]

And by the way, how long are you in there?

[Daryl Hammond]

Three months.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[Daryl Hammond]

Actually, I did, I think eight weeks there. And then they sent me to another one as a sort of. What do you call it? To sort of working me way back into society.

[Ryan Sickler]

Like halfway house.

[Daryl Hammond]

It wasn't a halfway house because there's a lot of therapy there, but it just wasn't this intense.

[Ryan Sickler]

Gotcha.

[Daryl Hammond]

So it was a. A three month experience.

[Ryan Sickler]

So now he tells you this isn't a big high five moment here for you.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah. So he probed. We had a housekeeper named Mertis who I adored, and, you know, no one was paying attention to me back in those days. I'm talking about nobody was paying attention to me. I mean, you sit alone in that house hour after hour after hour and dust balls roaming aimlessly across the floor and no One's paying attention to me, except her. And you can tell when you're being touched by someone who loves you, you know? Am I right?

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, yeah, 100%.

[Daryl Hammond]

And she did. And I remember when. I don't know if I should give away. Anyone can listen to Cray and you can hear what this is about. I'll just tell you how he worked up to it. He came in one day and said, tell me her name was Martis. He's like, tell me about. He called her Martis. Tell me about Matisse. I'm like, he's like, did you love her like I did? Yeah. See, it's like, did she love you like I thought she did? But it's like, my mom told me that I was this way, that I was mentally ill. He says, don't ever say mentally ill. It's mentally injured. You did not get this way by accident. This didn't suddenly occur. Something brought you here that was more powerful than you. So say mentally injured. I said, all right. My mom told me I was mentally injured because Myrtis would jump out of the closet at night and scare me. You could almost see him humming to himself. He says, where did Marty sleep? I'm like, what is that? What is that? What's that supposed to mean? It's like, where did Mirtis sleep? Did she sleep on a couch? Did she have her own room? Did she have a pallet on the floor where she lay? I said, myrtis didn't sleep. She went home every day at five o'. Clock. And he says, then how can she jump out of the closet to scare you at night? That's when it broke open. Why would your mother tell you something like this? I remember this. I don't know if you've ever had this happen, but. Well, if you've ever gotten too drunk and you wake up the next day and you know you're going to throw up, you don't want, but it's coming. And. And that was when I realized that my lifelong search was. Was about to end. Like, what had happened to me? What did happen? You know? And he used a series of psycho, I guess the theatrical exercises. He already knew what had happened to find out what went down exactly.

[Ryan Sickler]

You really believe when he. Excuse me, you say he knew. How early you think when he walked in that room, day one, he knew not maybe who or what, but what he was going to uncover?

[Daryl Hammond]

Yes.

[Ryan Sickler]

You do, huh?

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah. I don't think he knew if it was just sexual. I don't know if he knew it Was just a beating, but something terrible had happened. There was trauma and like.

[Ryan Sickler]

And is that, like, nobody.

[Daryl Hammond]

I mean, nobody came in? No one went into his hospital that got there because of a piece of newspaper that blew up on the side of their leg. I don't care what any of the doctors are saying. No one in that whole big hospital was there that didn't have an antecedent. That was a big phrase of his. There's always an antecedent. You can always find out how this started.

[Ryan Sickler]

So is that when you realize I'm asking, is that hibiscus plant outside your window?

[Daryl Hammond]

Outside the window of the kitchen.

[Ryan Sickler]

The kitchen. Okay.

[Daryl Hammond]

Where I end. Where I was stabbed and he. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Wait, she stabbed you?

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

What?

[Daryl Hammond]

Yes.

[Ryan Sickler]

Where?

[Daryl Hammond]

In the tongue. What?

[Ryan Sickler]

For what?

[Daryl Hammond]

I think that's just where she was starting. She. She was just starting there. She was going to go much further, but she was interrupted by murders.

[Ryan Sickler]

Wait, you're talking about your mom?

[Daryl Hammond]

Yes.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, I thought you meant murder.

[Daryl Hammond]

No.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh. The whole time I'm thinking murder.

[Daryl Hammond]

No, we're talking about your mom was.

[Ryan Sickler]

Pillar of the church injuring you. Do you think that's also why? Or maybe, you know, is that also why you chose cutting, too?

[Daryl Hammond]

To.

[Ryan Sickler]

Stabilize.

[Daryl Hammond]

Wow. And she used a serrated steak knife. She did. So.

[Ryan Sickler]

So Myrtis saw this and stopped it. That's why Myrtis is no longer here.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yes.

[Ryan Sickler]

I see. So how long does that go on?

[Daryl Hammond]

My father came home and freaked. And I guess Martis told him what happened or whatever. He freaked, and he's. I. He believed he had everything. He had to institutionalize her, which he did.

[Ryan Sickler]

And did that happen? Yes, it did. When?

[Daryl Hammond]

I guess I was four when this happened? Four and a half, Something like that.

[Ryan Sickler]

Wow. So you don't remember any of that, then?

[Daryl Hammond]

No, I just remembered that she was gone and that Mirtis was still there. But then when she came back, Myrtis left and someone ended up stabbing her. I don't.

[Ryan Sickler]

Stabbing your mom?

[Daryl Hammond]

Murders.

[Ryan Sickler]

Murders.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah. She was stabbed by somebody.

[Ryan Sickler]

She lived.

[Daryl Hammond]

I. I think so. I didn't hear that she died. And I. You know, there was a time when I. I was with these guys. I knew all these FBI guys and stuff through NBC because I had death threats over there.

[Ryan Sickler]

Hawaii. Imitating presidents and.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

You're getting death threats?

[Daryl Hammond]

Oh, yeah. That's crazy. Like, real sophisticated stuff. Yeah. I mean, we can get to that one if you want to. I don't know how much time we have left.

[Ryan Sickler]

We got plenty of time. But I want to go back real quick to this. So when does your mom reenter your life then? What age are you? When she's.

[Daryl Hammond]

Maybe when she re. Enters around six or seven or something like that.

[Ryan Sickler]

And then she's fine or she's still doing.

[Daryl Hammond]

I don't think she's fine because she. She. You know, this is someone who's the pillar of the church who can quote scripture better than anyone you've ever heard of. You know, monsters. I'll tell you the theme of the show. The themes, the basic things. And one of them is that real monsters hide in the light. They do their work in the dark, but in the light they have a narrative. And they put on a show so that everyone believes it. They got to get people to believe stuff. And she may have. Maybe she enjoyed the Bible. Maybe she was a bifurcated personality. I mean, I don't. Maybe. But she could quote scripture. The other thing about my mother is that she could do impressions. She would do impressions of the neighbors. And so I did my first impressions with her Porky Pig. And it was a good way to keep her happy so that she didn't get. She used to have this. This vacant stare. Let me get my glasses. I can do this for you. She used to have this vacant stare. And, you know, she's flitting around and she's talking to people. Oh, I love your hair. I love you so much. God loves you. God ain't broke. Don't you worry about your debt and the fact that you lost your job because God ain't broke. Okay. I never heard no one in our church that give his life to God. God ain't broke. She's the kind of person that could walk up to a person and tap them on the shoulder. I like to see you and this.

[Ryan Sickler]

Lady'S stabbing your tongue just once. Well, thank God. Only once. And then the. The state of Florida lets her out and back around her children. Did she ever hurt your sister?

[Daryl Hammond]

We don't know my sister.

[Ryan Sickler]

Are you close enough that you've talked about this sort of thing?

[Daryl Hammond]

My sister and I have never really talked about it. I know my sister hit her with. Beat her up one time, but no we ever talked about it. You know, that's why I didn't include her in the book or in, you know, God. If you're not up there, I'm.

[Ryan Sickler]

Let's see, your mom, Harper Collins.

[Daryl Hammond]

I did include my sister in all of that because she doesn't want it.

[Ryan Sickler]

To be, you know, you're gonna do mom stare.

[Daryl Hammond]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There was two. One Was like she'd be sitting at the wind. She'd be at the window smoking.

[Ryan Sickler]

And then inside.

[Daryl Hammond]

Huh?

[Ryan Sickler]

Inside smoking back.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, the windows are open.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[Daryl Hammond]

You know, she's smoking. Maybe I have to take my glasses off so you can see it better. Smoking. And then she would turn and look at me like. Like she was trying to figure out the plot in the movie. What am I gonna do with you? That kind of feeling. And the other one was this one. Ready for this?

[Sarah]

We all know that feeling. You finally managed to get away on vacation, and the worrying starts. Will that bogus Beware of dog sign keep your home safe? What about that fake camera you set up? And will someone finally find your old hide and key rock? That's where ADT comes in, all that stuff. It's safe ish. It seems fine when you don't really think about it, but you know, it truly doesn't work. Instead, ADT provides security solutions that keep you actually safe, giving you real peace of mind. Because vacation is supposed to be, you know, relaxing. Don't settle for Safe ish. Visit ADT.com today to learn more. When you bundle renters and auto with progressive, you can save while protecting your most valuable possessions, like your priceless vinyl collection. Sure, you sleep on a futon because the money most people would have spent on a bed, you spent on more records, but forget the fact that you can stream just about any song ever created for a few dollars a month. No, no, you need to listen to music in the most difficult way possible. So go ahead and get progressive so you can save while protecting the things that matter to you. Progressive Cavalcy Insurance Company and affiliates and other insurers not available in all schedule situations.

[Daryl Hammond]

Wait. Like that. Walking through the room, looking at you.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, moving and walking through, looking at you like a. That's like a zombie.

[Daryl Hammond]

Look at that yacht. Like, what was that like? I have a photo of Squeaky from that. She's doing the same thing. She's smiling like that.

[Ryan Sickler]

One of the Manson girls.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah, she's smiling, but she's got those eyes. And you can. You can tell that she's already made up her mind. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah. And that's what that look is.

[Daryl Hammond]

Sort of like, man, already made up my mind. Something's going to happen to you.

[Ryan Sickler]

So how does that affect you at 50? Like, how does that hit you? And is your mom gone at that point? Is she passed at that point? When you find out when you connect all these dots, she passed a little.

[Daryl Hammond]

Before that when the. Like, I Had. She had passed before we figured the whole thing out. But she knew because I. I did. I. I reached a point where I was going to tell the whole world no matter what. Because here's the thing. The crime is. Is. Is a bad enough crime. The greater crime to me is that they expect you not to talk about it. It's the. It's the contract 101 between perp and perp and victim. If you do talk about it, it's going to be much worse. Do we understand? Are we clear? So you're gonna let me come in here and do shit to you and you're gonna act like I'm not doing to you, okay? Or I'll make it a lot worse. That's the contract. And of course then too, you know, when you're young, you will fight the world. You will put. You will be a fist fight. You'll get in a fistfight with. With the galaxy. If they try to convince you that your. Your mom doesn't love you or your parents don't love you, right? You'll do anything. It will drive you crazy, you know, to even think of anything like that. We don't think of thoughts as radioactive or nuclear or that poisonous. But they are to really have that. I'm not loved. Yeah. Could make you pretty sick.

[Ryan Sickler]

So three months you spend there. Is that right? You said three months?

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

And when does. So do you have to. I have to ask you this. You said the state took away your keys. So do you have to be released by the state? By this doctor?

[Daryl Hammond]

I had to be released by the doctor.

[Ryan Sickler]

And when did he feel comfortable enough to say, hey, we figured enough out. You can move forward with this?

[Daryl Hammond]

He figured it out because he had put me through this process that manipulated me through a process in which I could feel pity for my mother. He was like, nothing frees you from your perpetrator any better than a little sympathy for the devil. Like, I felt pity and fear for her. He. He. It's a. It's a long involved story with a series of nightmares and dreams and all of that. But. But that's what happened. He could tell. And. And for my whole life, I know that I heard a ringing, a kind of ringing, like when I would get really afraid there would be kind of a ringing and nothing could get a. And it's not tinitis or whatever they call that. And what had happened was the ringing stopped. It did, yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

What about the boom?

[Daryl Hammond]

Boom, boom. All stops.

[Ryan Sickler]

All of it.

[Daryl Hammond]

Do you. Do you.

[Ryan Sickler]

Did you ever put together what the Knock was. You got the hibiscus, the window, kitchen.

[Daryl Hammond]

The Atlantic Ocean was blowing the hibiscus bush against the wind. Ah, that was the knock, knock. Damn.

[Ryan Sickler]

Was there any more abuse? Like, was she physical after that, or did she stop? Or do you not remember?

[Daryl Hammond]

Well, I certainly don't remember it if she was, you know, but she did.

[Ryan Sickler]

What did you find in sympathy? What did you. What, What. What did you say? All right.

[Daryl Hammond]

Because for her to do that to me, someone had to do something just as horrible to her.

[Ryan Sickler]

I was gonna ask you. I wonder what happened.

[Daryl Hammond]

This is the other part of the sort of manifesto, and that is monsters aren't born, they're created. You know, in order to be a monster, you first have to be a monster's victim.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah. And that's a great point.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah. That's that, well, in order to be a monster, you first have to be a monster's victim.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah. That's the truth.

[Daryl Hammond]

I mean, this cat was out of this. He was out there.

[Ryan Sickler]

So he releases you. You're obviously clean. Oh, yeah.

[Daryl Hammond]

That was like a big deal to me. How does. It was. I. I gained a bunch of weight and a bunch of time had gone by, and he came to me and said, you know, we're going to have to put you on a diet when I'm wanting to be a diabetic. You've gained so much weight because they. I was eating a lot of sugar. And then he said, oh, and, you know, I have something else for you. And I'm like, what? He's like, your keys. I'm like, like, my keys. I have keys again. I have keys again. You know what I mean?

[Ryan Sickler]

And a place to go. That's nice. You're not being let out of this hospital, and now you gotta bum a couch or whatever. You got a home.

[Daryl Hammond]

And, you know, I get back to my apartment in New York City. City, and it's a night. It's nice. Ish. You know, it's not. It's modest. One bedroom, but I loved it. You get back into your building and you walk in and the dorm is going, hey, Mr. Hammond, where you been? See what the Yankees did last night? That Sabathia is overweight. That's all I'm saying. They say he eats. They say that that man eats 10 bowls of captain Crunch a day. I say, he could eat a few less. He's a little overweight. That guy's a little rotund. I'm like, yeah, yeah. Like. Well, anyway, I don't know where you've been, but, you know, he's nice to have you back. You know, there I'm like, how can they be acting like nothing happened?

[Ryan Sickler]

I just had a whole journey.

[Daryl Hammond]

I've been on an odyssey to the other side and they're just doing their thing and all that.

[Ryan Sickler]

And is that the moment you go clean and sober? Obviously you're in there for three months.

[Daryl Hammond]

No, I mean, I went clean and sober a bunch of times. You did and, and drank again? Yeah. Four years, three years, five years.

[Ryan Sickler]

No more self harm, though.

[Daryl Hammond]

I didn't do self harm until I had a period there in my 30s when I was really starting 12 step programs. I didn't do anything like that. So I had like five years and seven months and my sponsor committed suicide. And then I got drunk and. Jeez, yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Man, I'm sorry.

[Daryl Hammond]

But. But yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

So how's life been since.

[Daryl Hammond]

And what.

[Ryan Sickler]

I mean, now that you're armed with the knowledge of what this was, how's it changed you? Do you feel. Do you feel different? Like, do you feel. I don't know, do you feel whole? Do you feel like at least this, this mystery has been solved and you can move forward peacefully upstairs? You know, how are you sleeping? How do you. How do you go about your days? Are you a glass guy now? Or is anything.

[Daryl Hammond]

So I get up in the morning and I do cognitive therapy. Exercise might just be a little thing like, you know, exercises out of the book. Feeling good. Exercises out of the book, Learned optimist.

[Ryan Sickler]

You know, I do the five minute gratitude journal every morning. I do that. I like that.

[Daryl Hammond]

So that my brain doesn't have time to start. It's done, done, done, done, done. Because my brain wants to catch a perp. That's what it does. It wants. It. It wants to catch a perp. So it starts creating these perps like, well, this guy must be that or that girl must be that or this must be that. And. And pretty soon I can feel in danger. And so I do the cognitive therapy and I'm going to say five days a week I do yoga.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay. And are you able to sit mentally quiet enough with your thoughts in something like yoga? It's always struggle for me.

[Daryl Hammond]

Well, no, but when I meditate, sometimes I get that. Sometimes when I'm hanging out with. With people that are like me, you know, you've heard the, you know, connection is the antidote to addiction. But when I. When I have that law of mutuality that Hindus spoke of 25 million years ago, a shared experience can bring us health, that living alone we cannot get. You Know when I have that. There are times, you know, when I have a peace and I have to work for it. Not all the time, but it does happen once in a while. Swear to God, once in a while. I feel pretty good. You do? Once in a while. I hear I'm out with my friends having dinner. Hey, we did a show with Leno and Arsenio and Margaret show the other night. That was great. It was fun.

[Ryan Sickler]

Do you allow yourself in, in the moment to think?

[Daryl Hammond]

I couldn't help myself, yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Good for you.

[Daryl Hammond]

When the, the room, these guys are rocking it and, you know, and I, I was able to hold my own, which I was worried about. It was a great night of comedy. I felt really good that night. Then my friend Christy was there. You know, we went to Swingers and felt good. So it happens sometimes.

[Ryan Sickler]

But listen, this has been a very powerful, great episode. You've dropped a lot of knowledge on here.

[Daryl Hammond]

I have to tell you.

[Ryan Sickler]

You can keep going if you want.

[Daryl Hammond]

No. All right, that's an hour. That's good.

[Ryan Sickler]

If I ever do, you come back.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yeah. I want to tell you the mafia story. For God's sake, how long is it? Probably 90 seconds.

[Ryan Sickler]

Tell it and then I'll tell you what. Tell the mafia story. Then I'm going to ask you advice you'd give to 16 year old Darrell Hammond after everything we've talked about and we'll wrap it up. Hit me with a mafia story. I ask you because we just had Sammy the Bull Gravano on here, so I would love to hear a mafia story.

[Daryl Hammond]

Okay. So I had, I was put in jail in the Caribbean. That's how I wrote the book. God, if you're not up there, I'm. I was in jail. And that was the only prayer that I could come up with because it was the Caribbean. Jail is a really scary place.

[Ryan Sickler]

What are you in there for?

[Daryl Hammond]

Controlled possession of. Possession of a controlled substance. And I got off with a fine because it was just infinite. It was like putting sweet low on the table. It might have been sweet. I was so drunk, I couldn't tell. You know, I. I never actually did the blow. It's just like, okay. Someone was trying to sell me blow. And I was like, okay. I'd had a lot of golden rum that night and I was trashed out of my mind. So I was like, okay, all right. Anyway, I got arrested and went to jail. My father came down with cash and they let me off for cash.

[Ryan Sickler]

How old are you?

[Daryl Hammond]

30S.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[Daryl Hammond]

My 30s. Okay. So I went back to The States. And I was mad at them. I was mad. I felt like I'd been set up. Others felt the same way, that I was part of a scam. Find a drunk tourister and ask him if he wants a little coke. Just a sample. You want a sample? You're going to get one drunk enough to say okay. And then you bust them after that. So I was incensed. I got back to New York City one night, I did a show at Dangerfields in New York. And I was drinking rum again, of course. And it occurred to me there was a very famous gangster that had a social club on Mulberry street. And everyone knew he hung out there and he was real famous. It occurred to me that you know how the drunker you get, the more right you think you are, right? And the angry you get, the more right you think you are. And you're drinking ramen. And I was drinking ramen. I get in a cab, my feet, I don't even know if I was telling my feet to do it. My feet walked me to a cab and I heard my voice say, the so and so Social club on Mulberry Street. He's like, you sure you want to hear me? Yeah. You sure you're all right? I'm like, so I went down there, I was going to ask them, I want, I was going to join. I would say, can I join you guys? Can I be part of your group? There's somebody I really want to kill. He's coming insane. That you know. And we get there. That was what I was to say. Now it became the. A blur after that because there were a bunch of men standing on the sidewalk and I walked up and I waded in when my page. And it got all blurry after that and I probably had some sort of blackout or something. And I woke up the next morning on a pile of sand behind the social club.

[Ryan Sickler]

Nah.

[Daryl Hammond]

Yes. I woke up on a pile of sand and my shirt was covered in red and I touched it cuz it didn't look like blood that much. And I tasted was marinara sauce. Apparently I'd eaten. I'd eaten. Well, when you kill somebody and you pass out, you wake up outside on a mouth of sand covered in mar. Give the guys some. The sconjili. Give me, give him some. Give him something to eat. Throw them out back. Put him out back on the sandpile. Yeah, on the sand. He put your ass up? Yeah. All right, let me ask.

[Ryan Sickler]

We'll wrap up on advice that you'd give to 16 year old Daryl Hammond. What would you say to 16 year old Daryl Hammond? I'm curious because you don't find out a lot for God, 34 more years.

[Daryl Hammond]

I don't know. What, what can you say? What would I say? You know, go see a shrink.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[Daryl Hammond]

I think what I would want to tell him is you're going to meet five American presidents. Five men. Presidents of the United States would call you by your first name. Hold on.

[Ryan Sickler]

That's awesome. I gotta ask you both Bush's, Clinton, Obama, Trump and Trump. You did meet Trump. That's great. Thank you so much. This was an awesome episode. I really appreciate you doing this. One more time, please promote Cray Cray.

[Daryl Hammond]

Is One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest meets the King's Speech at Saturday Night Live. Was that accurate?

[Ryan Sickler]

That's a hundred percent accurate, yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much.

[Daryl Hammond]

Thank you for thinking of me.

[Ryan Sickler]

You got it. As always, Ryan Sickler on all your social media. We'll talk to you all next week.

[Sarah]

We all know that feeling. You finally manage to get away on vacation and the worrying starts. Will that bogus Beware of dogs sign keep your home safe? What about that fake camera you set up? And will someone finally find your old Hide and key rock? That's where ADT comes in, all that stuff. It's safe ish. It seems fine when you don't really think about it, but you know, it truly doesn't. Instead, ADT provides security solutions that keep you actually safe, giving you real peace of mind. Because vacation is supposed to be, you know, relaxing. Don't settle for Safe ish. Visit ADT.com today to learn more. When you bundle renters and auto with progressive, you can save while protecting your most valuable possessions like your priceless vinyl collection. Sure, you sleep on a futon because the money most people would have spent on a bed you spent on more records. But forget the fact that you can stream just about any song ever created for a few dollars a month. No, no. You need to listen to music in the most difficult way possible. So go ahead and get progressive so you can save while protecting the things that matter to you. Progressive Cavalcy Insurance company and affiliates and other insurers not available in all stage of situations.