358: David Koechner - I Hope I Like Me

Summary

The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler

Episode 358: David Koechner – I Hope I Like Me

Release Date: November 3, 2025
Guest: David Koechner
Theme: Laughing at Life’s Lowlights, Addiction, Family, and Redemption

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Episode Overview

In this deeply candid and humorous episode, comedian and actor David Koechner joins Ryan Sickler to revisit the lowest points in his life and career. The conversation dives into Koechner’s rural upbringing, Catholic roots, struggles with alcoholism, career highs and lows—including his season on Saturday Night Live—and his ongoing journey through sobriety and family dynamics. The episode is both raw and uplifting, mixing hard truths with signature wit as Koechner shares how he is finally, after decades, meeting himself—and hopes he likes what he finds.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Rooted in Small Town, Catholic Upbringing

• Growing Up in Tipton, Missouri:
  • Koechner describes his small-town life, being the third of six kids in a “modest Catholic grade school” and “public high school… not a curious place, not a lot of vigorous exchange of ideas.” (15:00)
  • His parents came from large Irish Catholic families (“My mother was one of 11. Out of those 11, there are two priests and two nuns.” [10:21])
  • Family legacy of hard work: Koechner started working at his father’s livestock trailer factory at age 7. (13:00)

    “I’ve never drawn an unemployment check in my life.” – Koechner [14:45]

2. Early Independence and Comedy Dreams

• From a young age, Koechner felt different:
  • “I have a very distinct memory. When I was 10 years old, I walked around the west side of my house by myself… ‘Yeah, I gotta go. I gotta live in a city.’” [16:53]
  • At 13, he was certain he’d get on Saturday Night Live, even watching it behind his devout parents’ backs.

    “I just had a belief I want to do that.” [17:44]

3. Family Dynamics and Unmet Needs

• Koechner was honest about being an imperfect brother:

  “No, I was not a kind brother. I wasn’t getting my needs met at home... my sister forgave me.” [18:59]

• The pressure and expectations of a big, religious family contributed to his pain—and later, to rebellion and self-discovery.

4. Rejecting the Family “Software”: Catholicism

• Koechner relates how he grew disillusioned with the church:

  “The software they run and put into me was Catholicism. Like that’s a very narrow software… This all culminates in a rejection of Catholicism and the church…” [19:24]

• Both Sickler and Koechner discuss their complex relationships with faith.

  “The Catholic church is the reason I turned against… watching what those people have done to children...” – Sickler [20:05]

• Critique of organized religion’s gender inequalities.

  “All of them, women are second-class citizens. Why would you participate in that?” – Koechner [20:54]

5. Comedy as a Path and Chicago’s Impact

• Koechner outlines his move from Missouri to Chicago after college, immersing in Improv Olympic (iO) and Second City.

  “I was in class or on stage five days a week… Gladwell’s 10,000 hours. You put the time in.” [23:24]

• He describes the remarkable generation of comedians there—Colbert, Carell, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and more.

  “You don’t know your worker, the best. Farley and I started the same day.” [24:34]

• SNL: Landed the show with one season (1995-96) after a unique, improvised audition [26:56]:

  “I improvised the audition.” – Koechner [26:55]

6. The Highs & Lows of Saturday Night Live

• SNL’s internal politics and cutthroat environment; Koechner feels his own personality may have led to conflict.

  “You don’t suffer fools gladly... if I don’t like you, you’re gonna know it.” [29:01]

• Despite a successful season, behind-the-scenes drama led to his exit.

  “I got an exit interview with Lorne. Nobody does. I did.” [36:29] “Dave, you’re an artist. Don’t change that.” – Lorne Michaels [36:35]

7. Alcoholism: Origins, Consequences, and Recovery

• Started drinking at age 10 (!), “drunk in eighth grade.” [37:20]
• Family history runs deep:

  “Oh, yeah. My mom was alcoholic... Dad was too, but dad had pancreatitis and had to quit at 50.” [52:48]

• Lifetime of heavy drinking, escalating through personal stresses, marriage, and showbiz pressures.
• Two DUIs in six months (2022), even after periods of sobriety.

  “Is that out before you’re even out of jail? … Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.” [49:03]

• Rehab attempts and why programs failed:

  “Rehab doesn’t work... If you don’t get into AA, if you don’t get in the program, there’s no way.” [41:14]

• Koechner details taking Antabuse (disulfiram) with the support of his close friend, which causes violent illness if he drinks:

  “If I drink, I’ll violently throw up… So I take my pill... and I don’t think about alcohol because I can’t have it.” [41:52, 43:41] “You don’t wake up and ever think about stealing a car?... That’s the same with booze.” [43:54]

• Ongoing struggle with “scheming and bargaining”—a hallmark of addiction.

  “Constant. When you’re an alcoholic, that’s all you’re doing all day long, scheming and bargaining.” [42:23]

• The conversation turns to practical, sometimes darkly funny strategies and denial:

  “He would keep peanut butter in the car. Yeah, that’s true, huh… And he got a priest costume… drive home with the pre-” [60:15]

“That’s a dedicated alcoholic.” – Koechner [61:15]

8. Family, Fatherhood, and Guilt

• Five children—via IVF and a complicated marriage.

  “We had 11 embryos... all created on the same day.” [40:33]

• Honest regret at the impact of drinking on his kids and vows to intervene if his children ever show signs of serious addiction.

  “You will not be an alcoholic… or an addict on my watch.” [56:53]

• The most important part of recovery:

  “My sponsor said, Dave, when you get through this, you’re finally going to meet yourself. You know what I told him? I hope I like me.” [61:50]

9. Sobriety & Moving Forward

• Nearly a year sober, learning to replace alcohol with healthier behaviors (initial struggle with sugar).
• Gratitude for support system—friend Wes who keeps him accountable on Antabuse.
• Guidance to others:

  “You gotta quit. When you gotta quit, you know it. Quit. It’s okay. You don’t think—and that’s why they say one day at a time, because you can’t quit forever. You gotta get through the next 90 seconds, I swear to God.” [53:46]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On childhood ambition:

  “When I was 13, I knew I was going to be on Saturday Night Live. I know that sounds egotistical and arrogant, it’s not. I just had a belief I want to do that.” – Koechner [17:33]

• On small-town life:

  “It’s not a curious place. There’s not a lot of vigorous exchange of ideas.” – Koechner [14:45]

• On addiction’s legacy:

  “My sponsor said, ‘Dave, you’re a hardcore alcoholic.’” – Koechner [59:38]

• On generational denial:

  “That’s… you don’t talk about your shame in Catholicism.” – Koechner [53:30]

• On why he finally quit:

  “‘My sponsor said, Dave, when you get through this, you’re finally going to meet yourself. You know what I told him? I hope I like me.’” – Koechner [61:50]

• On advice to his younger self:

  “Don’t drink at all. At all. Don’t drink, David Koechner, because you can’t do it.” – Koechner [63:00]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Intro & Guest Background: [03:25–05:31]
• On his upbringing and Catholic roots: [09:22–15:20]
• Deciding to leave Tipton, early comedic inspiration: [16:43–18:45]
• SNL Auditions and Chicago Improv Boom: [23:19–26:41]
• Inside Saturday Night Live: [26:53–30:38]
• First drink at age 10, escalation into alcoholism: [37:10–39:09]
• DUIs, family’s drinking, steps towards sobriety: [42:01–49:01]
• Addiction, accountability, and lasting change: [43:00–44:28, 45:56–46:39]
• Difficult conversations with and about family: [56:29–57:28]
• Closing advice & final thoughts: [62:54–63:09]

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Tone and Highlights

Ryan Sickler’s empathetic, open approach gives Koechner the space to be funny, self-critical, and deeply honest, often within the same story. The tone is grounded but buoyed by the comedians’ humor, even when discussing pain and regret. Koechner doesn’t sugarcoat his failings, but also doesn’t wallow—his focus is on growth, self-acceptance, and being truly present for his family going forward.

If you haven’t listened: Expect a blend of painful truth and laugh-out-loud moments, a rare window into the mind of a working comic who has stumbled, gotten up, and is still sorting out the meaning—and joy—of everyday life.

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Transcript

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[A]

It'S been I think a little over a week now and I can't thank you enough for all the kind words and the great feedback on this special. I am going to sit here and pat myself on the back. I went from almost being killed to releasing this special and it's been a two and a half year labor of love and we crushed it. I found every single person to work on this within a single dad budget living in this expensive ass city of Los Angeles. And I'm going to say we crushed it. We did. This is nothing like my last special. This special is special. It's a bit of a one man show retelling of a near death experience. Live and alive streaming on my YouTube now. And go give it some extra love because YouTube demonetized it within two days. Somebody complained about it, they took it out of the algorithm, we fought, they, they got us back in there. But it's already killed the momentum. So it is what it is. Go over there, tell everyone, share everyone, like comment Help to get back in that algorithm. All right? And while you're there, go to the store. All right. Go to ryancickler.com click on the merch. We got a fall clearance sale going on right now. You're going to get a free t shirt and three free gifts with every apparel purchase. We got $10 tees and hats. We got $20 hoodies and pants. That's joggers. That's night. Telling you, you're not going to find this sale anywhere else. Get it now. When they're gone, they're gone. Christmas is coming. Go to the merch store now. Get your fuck Steve shirts. Get your honeydew merch. Go get it now. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to the Honeydew, y'.

[B]

All.

[A]

We're over here doing it in the night Pan Studios. I am Ryan Sickler. Ryan Sickler.com. ryan Sickler on all your social media. And I'm starting this one like I start them all by saying thank you. Thank you for supporting this show. Thank you for supporting anything I do. Thank you for supporting the new special up. If you haven't seen my new special, go watch it on YouTube right here. It's free shot at comedy on State. Go check it out. And if you got to have more, then you got to have the Patreon. It's this show right here. It's the Honeydew with y'. All. And y' all have the wildest stories I promise you'll ever hear on the Internet. We've been doing it for years. It's five bucks a month. It's never been higher than five bucks a month. It is a cup of coffee a month for hundreds of wild episodes. So if you or someone you know has a story that has to be heard, please submit it to honeydewpodcastmail.com. if you sent it before, send it again. Bump it to the top. We would love to do an episode with you. That's the biz. You know what we're doing here? We highlight the low lights. Always say, these are the stories behind the storytellers. And I am very excited to have this guest with us here today. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome David Koechner. Welcome to the Honeydew. David Koechner.

[B]

Thank you for having me.

[A]

Thank you so much for being a long time coming. It has.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Before we get into anything today, please, right there. Promote everything and anything you would like.

[B]

David Koechner. So it's K o e c h n e r. So follow me on Instagram and TikTok. I guess Facebook is still alive, but that you'll get all my dates. So it's November. I can't remember, quite honestly right now what I'm doing. But go to my Instagram. You'll see all of those on there.

[A]

You have a website with your dates on there too?

[B]

Yes. David Koechner. There you go. Thank you so much.

[A]

David keckner.com.

[B]

Yes.Com. All right, thank you, that's very helpful.

[A]

You got live dates. You're out there on the road.

[B]

It's always on the road. I think I changed the tour name to the Never Ending Tour.

[A]

That's. Well, hey. Yes. Good and bad, right?

[B]

We spoke earlier. I have five kids and, you know, two of them are still in school. So keep it going, baby.

[A]

We're going to get into all that. Anything else you'd like to push out there right now?

[B]

I did. I'm doing three movies. Can't talk about them, of course, till they come out. So things are good. Things are good. Is it. Oh, here's one. You're in everything I try. There's a really good one called Ganymede. It's an interesting name, Ganymede. Now here's the. Here's. It's a genre bender. It's a gay coming of age story with a horror twist and it's a drama. And I play this super nasty preacher and it is not to be missed. It's so good. It's on Hulu right now on Amazon Prime. Check it out.

[A]

I mean, you're a comedic legend, obviously, and you worked with other comedic legends. Do you prefer these days comedy or drama? Like, what do you.

[B]

I don't. I'm not going to have a preference. I'm going to be better at comedy. There's no question. There's no question. It has to be the right drama.

[A]

Because I remember character specifically is something you were like. I got this. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

A nasty preacher from a small town and he's got a southern accent. Do you think maybe I can do it? Do you? Sickler. Yeah, sick. Because he's a sick man. So, yeah. What is the right thing? You know, I will say this. I auditioned for. Because I have to audition for dramas and sometimes comedies and boy, it's hard to keep that ego in check, isn't it?

[A]

I mean, I gotta. Look, I hear you loud and clear on that. But like, if you're looking for a David K. Type, can we just fucking see if he's available and interested, please? Come on.

[B]

You don't Tell your agents. No. I auditioned for this comedy, and I was like, okay. And I did pretty well with it, I thought. And it was set in New York. You hired a guy from New York? Yeah.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Look, I don't. It's not a waste of my time. It's. I'm grateful, but I wasn't. Come on, guys. Come on. Then you hate to be that guy, but you go, no. If you don't know what I do, then I can't help you. Now, there was a drama I auditioned for, and my son helped me with it. And I worked on it pretty well and didn't get it. I'm like, okay, probably going to be a real tough guy that we've seen a million times. No. Some guy didn't know my son. The movie actually didn't turn out very well. I was very disappointed. I was like, wow. Because I'd seen another. I don't want to give it away. Anyway, but then the scene came up. Like, that's the scene. We watched it like, this guy wasn't special.

[A]

He.

[B]

I was like, charlie, my audition was better than that. He goes, yeah, Pops, it was. And he would tell me. He would go, no, no, he's doing. I was like, wow. And I know why I didn't get it. If I walk onto your screen, there's an expectation it's not gonna be a heavy dude, you know? So anyway, that was probably one. Like, they're not gonna give it to me.

[A]

Check the credits and see if there's some last matching names. You know what I mean? Some matching last names going on in there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Anyway, I want to say this real quick. My pt, Aaron Park. What's up? Aaron park loves you, too. And he told me yesterday.

[B]

What's pt?

[A]

Physical therapy. He works me out. He was like, oh, I love him. He said that you were in one of his favorite movies, and he's older like me. And he said it was an older. Was a snowboard maybe or something. That's what he said. He said he's in one of these movies. He goes, you ever hear the snowboard movie Alcohol? I said, no, have it. I remember Hot dog, like a ski, but al cold. You're in that one.

[B]

Yeah, it was. Came out in 2000. So, you know. You know how this goes when you are in high school and that movie comes out. That's the thing that sets your introduction to comedy. And you will always love it, even later. It's not very sophisticated, but whatever, you know?

[A]

Yeah. So let's get to know you. Where are you from originally?

[B]

I grew up in a very small town in central Missouri called Tipton. Tipton. Yes. There is. There are seven Tiptons. Iowa, Illinois, Arkansas, Kansas, Nebraska. None of them are related.

[A]

Is that right? There's seven Tiptons around the United States.

[B]

Unrelated. So it is about 35 miles north of the Lake of the Ozarks. We're all familiar with the show the Ozarks, so it's dead center. Closest movie theater is 45 miles away in Jefferson City, Missouri. So I grew up there in this. Malta. Yeah.

[A]

Have you ever performed in Yakov Smirnov's?

[B]

No. His theater down there? Yeah. No, no, I just. I did the Blue Note.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, in St. Louis?

[B]

Yeah. No, no, down in Springfield.

[A]

Oh, there's another one there that's.

[B]

It's blue something. Blue room, whatever it is. Yeah. And Yakov has a podcast, and he came up and interpreted my thing, so.

[A]

Are you also from a big. You have five kids. Are you from a big family?

[B]

I'm one of six.

[A]

You're one of six?

[B]

My mother was one of eleven.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

My dad was one of nine. My mother holy. Grew up in a Irish Catholic family. How Irish? My mother's one of 11. Out of those 11, there are two priests and two nuns.

[A]

No.

[B]

Do you think I was raised Catholic?

[A]

A little bit, Bro.

[B]

Brother. We didn't go. Are you Catholic?

[A]

I am. We had a nun in the family, a great aunt, Sister Carmina.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And we had to, you know, you like, we. She'd make us go to church, and then we couldn't go get the communion unless we did our. And we're like, come on, Sister. We don't do that. And she's like, you're to going. God, you're going to go. What is it? Repent.

[B]

Oh, oh, confession.

[A]

Yeah, we had to go to confession. Before you receive the. The, you know, communion. Communion.

[B]

We're supposed to go through the whole process to take the sacrament.

[A]

Well, I've. I'm baptized. I am. I have my communion. I've got my confirmation. I got the paperwork. If it ends up being real, I got the documents. You know what I'm saying? I got.

[B]

You sing Carl Sagan's Mites on a Plum.

[A]

I rec k Mites on a plum.

[B]

Lights on a plum. It's in three minutes. Like, oh, okay. I'll just think about that. Carl Sagan might sound a plum. It's a bad Sagan, but I'll try. He talks about the idea that we are the center of the universe. That thought we are merely Mites on a plum. And he goes out the thing that blew my mind that I'd never, you know, hadn't read any of his books. He said there's probably multiple universes. This is, this is universe that we pretend we're the center of.

[A]

And it's the only one, right?

[B]

Yeah, it's just, it's delicious. My ton of plum.

[A]

Anyway, so you're raised Catholic?

[B]

Catholic. So very Catholic.

[A]

Are you like in the church? Are you a altar boy?

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do all that stuff. Oh, yeah.

[A]

So you're not just a. Are you Sunday school as well?

[B]

Well, you do all that in. In Catholic grade school. So we had.

[A]

Oh, so you went to Element. Oh man, you're. You're. So I went to regular public school, but I did Sunday school. You're, you're, you'. Oh man, I'm a part time. We're Easter, Christmas and funerals.

[B]

I think grade school. I think I got checked with my sister Mary Rose, but I think we went to church every morning before school. So was I tired of it, brother. So yeah, very Catholic, I would say my parents worldview is Catholicism. So I would say. So we are a mainframe. And the software they run and put into me was Catholicism. Like that's a very narrow software. Anyway, so small town. I do. Want me to tell the whole story? Yeah, okay. Small town. I'm the third of six. My father grew up on a farm outside of Tipton. My mother grew up at a farm outside of Kansas City. Place called Plattsburgh. And they grew up very poor. My dad, they're whatever, just farmers. So they got married, moved to Tipton. My dad moved my mom to Tipton. I don't think she was very happy about it. Years later you find it like, oh, you didn't like your in laws?

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And that's all she had there. Anyway, my father was a manufacturer. He manufactured livestock trailers for turkeys. I don't say turkey coops. Because in your backyard. No, on a 40 foot trailer. It's welded onto the trailer. It's not something cute or stupid in the backyard. No one raises turkeys in the backyard. Okay, not funny. Oh, you know what, why don't you do a bald joke? Oh good. Oh God, I'm devastated. Anyway, so I started working for my father when I 7 years old. Did I like it? No. What are you doing at that point? So it's a manufacturing plant. So there's multiple shears and saws, welders. So I would pick up the scraps around the shears to begin with. Also, he used to sell several items, like gas barrel stands, probably not a reference, farrowing crates, all this stuff that required a number of bolts to be packaged in with the stuff that they shipped out. So I'd count the nuts and the bolts, stuff like that. He's like, I'm not going to pay someone $8 an hour to do that when I'll do it for 25 cents. Anyway, I will say this. So my brother and I used to have to work Saturday mornings, half Saturday. So I resented it. Yeah. But I've never drawn an unemployment check in my life.

[A]

Is that right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Good for you. So I can't say that.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. So he gave me that, you know, I still have a callus, you know, every time I'm on a set and I see a teamster and, you know, I'm not a soft guy. When you get a callus, it's for life. Right? That's. Yeah. Oh, you put some work in. Yeah. So then one of six. We've got a modest Catholic grade school, public high school. It's not a curious place. There's not a lot of vigorous exchange of ideas.

[A]

How do your parents meet? From Tipton in Kansas City.

[B]

My dad was working for his brother in Cameron, Missouri, near Plattsburgh. My uncle had a landscape, a bulldozing business, basically, like big construction, whatever. And so my dad saw my mom in a bar and he's talking to some guy at the bar, he goes, who's that girl over there with the small ears? And the guy goes, I don't know her. Turns out it was her brother. Yes. And he's like, I don't want this guy to meet my sister Anyway. So they meet and start courting. That's the word they used. And then. Yeah, got married and so. Yeah. My mother had three kids in three years. Mark, Mary, Rose and David in three years. And Mark, Mark had a tough infancy. He had an exploded appendix and they thought there was going to be long term consequences. So you've got a worried mother who keeps having kids. Dad is working at our first shop. We called it the Shop. This first plant, probably 70 hours a week.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

Yeah, he'll work.

[A]

And what size house you guys?

[B]

That one we rented. That little farmhouse probably. I bet it's a two bedroom. Although it did have an upstairs, maybe three bedrooms.

[A]

How many people total then? You're saying at that point?

[B]

At that point. No, no, we moved when I was five. To town.

[A]

Oh yeah. Into Tipton, into official Inn.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I knew early. I knew early. I'm different. You don't think of it that way, but you're like, doesn't everyone want to get out of here?

[A]

Different from your family or everyone? Okay.

[B]

There's one or two people. You're like, okay. But I knew. I have a very distinct memory. When I was 10 years old, I walked around the west side of my house by myself, having one of those pensive moments, and I. Yeah, I got to go. I don't know where, but I got to live in a city. I'm leaving. And so I made that decision. I remember making it right now. And that was it. I'm leaving. So you don't tell people. When I was 13, I knew I was going to be on Saturday Night Live. I know that sounds egotistical and arrogant. It's not. Now, I just had a belief I want to do that. And now this is a show that my parents would not have let me watch.

[A]

This is what I was going to ask, too. Right.

[B]

They went out dancing on Saturday nights, and I watched my three younger siblings. And so I put them to bed and watched Saturday Night Live. Now, in the Midwest, it came on at 10:30, so. Yeah.

[A]

And who's the cast when you're watching then? The original.

[B]

Okay, I remember the live commercials for Saturday Night Live.

[A]

Did they do live commercials?

[B]

Mumbly Peg is when you put your hand down like this and you take a knife and you. Without looking at it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Chevy Chase did Mumbly Peg live as a commercial. What was going on? This is the most amazing, fascinating thing you've ever seen. Now, that's one. But then I was just enamored with the show. But then one Saturday night, I had put the kids to bed, and I came back to a movie. It's on. I'm like, oh, this looks a scary movie. It's just dark and you see fog, and then something's coming over the hill. Clock, clock, clock, clock, clock, clock, clock, clock. It's Monty Python and the Holy Grail. And it blew my mind. I couldn't believe something could be this funny and this smart. I was just like, well, that's it. I'm sold. That's. I'm doing that. So, yeah, so that's what I. But now, again, I didn't tell anybody. Probably one or two people.

[A]

Well, here's something interesting. You said to. You said, I put the kids to bed. You sound like a parent there. I mean, but. But growing up, taking care of sibling. Siblings, do you think that played a part in Wanting a bigger family, wanting to be a dad.

[B]

No, I was not a kind brother.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

I wasn't getting my. My needs weren't getting met at home the way that I needed them. I don't blame my parents because they couldn't know. And so I would probably brutishly put them to bed and yell and screaming, yeah, my sister forgave me.

[A]

Is that right?

[B]

I was very tough on my sister Cecilia. And years later, she said, dave, I forgive you. I know. I know you're mad at mom and Dad.

[A]

I was like, somebody went and did some work too, huh? Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Yeah. So. Yeah, but this all culminates in a rejection of, you know, the software, the Catholicism and the church and all that stuff. And so take it easy. We all get our paths. You can stay with your religion, I can choose mine. We all get to do whatever mine is me.

[A]

Listen, people ask me about my religion all the time. And I say this. I 100% believe in God, right? Okay. Whatever that is to you, you know, you choose. I don't believe in God. That I was taught through the Catholic Church. But I'm no fool to believe that. Not to be ignorant enough to not know something higher is going, right?

[B]

Something like, come on, man. Okay, look at this.

[A]

Yeah, but the Catholic Church is the reason I turned against the Catholic Church. Not because of anything I've. Being in that institution and then watching what those people have done to children, to the. That was enough for me to say, hey, I still love. I still. I'm a spiritual person. But this organized religion here is.

[B]

This, here's the thing for me that's interesting. The major organized religions, let's say Christianity, Judaism and Islam, those are the three majors. Now we also have Buddhism, which is not an institute. It's a way of life. That's. You don't have these organizations, right? Those are. If I missed one, those three are the three most.

[A]

The most prominent. For sure.

[B]

All of them women are second class citizens. Why would you participate in that?

[A]

Children are uneven.

[B]

It's a fallacy from the start. Come on, gang. So whatever, let's start there. Well, Adam gave Eve his rib. That's a metaphorical story that didn't actually happened and written by a man, by the way. Come on.

[A]

Anyway, also, I'm 13 years old.

[B]

I can't touch it. I can't. What do you mean?

[A]

I'm gonna burn in hell.

[B]

You can't masturbate.

[A]

I mean, please, what are you talking. My body is screaming at me, Right?

[B]

I remember asking my mother if it's really a sin.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And she said yes? She said, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Like, what are you talking.

[B]

What are you gonna do? So, yeah, you know, it's. It's. It's impossible. You can't even live in your own body.

[A]

So this is the question I wanted to ask you, is when you leave Tipton, you also leave Catholicism. It's not like just because you leave home doesn't mean you leave. You know, your religion, but you did as well.

[B]

Guess where I had to go to college? A Catholic school. My dad's. My mother's brother. Abbott Brendan was the abbot of the monastery at Benedictine College in Atchison.

[A]

Good.

[B]

Now, they weren't linked anymore. They used to be, you know, monastery, but it's still that school, so I. That's the only place I had a choice. I didn't have a choice. That's there. So I remember being a freshman in college in. Sitting in the church in an afternoon, I said, I need something. I need some here. I need a sign that I stay here. And I. I'm sorry, I gotta put you on the watch. And I waited for a while and then I left. And that's all there was.

[A]

How long did you stay?

[B]

Oh, that day in the church.

[A]

I mean, how long? College.

[B]

Oh. So I would. I had to do two years at Benedictine.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then I went to University, Missouri, for a year.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I'd always wanted to do, you know, theater and comedy. I was a poly sci major because my parents weren't going to pay for a theater degree. And so I stopped going to classes that I visited a friend in Chicago, saw the Second City, saw that they taught classes like, whoa. Okay. And so that's what happened. So I quit. I quit. Quit going to school, worked three jobs there in Columbia, Missouri. Saved my money, moved up to Chicago.

[A]

Okay, great. And then you start in Second City, then that's where you're.

[B]

I was very fortunate. I did. But I did the IO first. The improvident. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm so thankful that I did because that was the real good business that made me the best of who I am. And so then I would take seconds at the same time, so I would be in class. I was in class or on stage five days a week. And that's how you do it. Yeah, it really is. Glad Wells. 10,000 hours, you know, put the time in. Yeah. And I happen to come to. I know I'm talking a lot, but you're supposed to. So a lot of us, when we were 13, SNL came on all of us moved to Chicago. Colbert, Carell, Adam McKay, Polar Fay. There are 15 writers in late night that you probably know, but your viewers don't that have informed our comedy for the last 25, 30 years.

[A]

Listen, I dated a girl who came through the Chicago scene improv Olympic. And one night we're just sitting and watching tv, and she's like, there's this one, this one, this one. This is during the. And then it cuts to commercial and she goes, and her. And her and him and him. I go. I looked at her, I said, until I met you. And you've literally. I had no idea that Chicago was. That.

[B]

It was deep, dude.

[A]

It's deep.

[B]

So I got Saturday Night Live and then Bernie Sollins, who.

[A]

What year. What year Was your Saturday?

[B]

95, 96. One season. So I. Bernie, silence. Who established Second City in 57, wanted to have dinner with me. I'd done a play with him, but certainly suddenly, you know, people want to have dinner with you. And he said he'd never seen a confluence of talent like had been there the last 10 years. And it's true. You just. You don't know your worker the best. Farley and I started in the same day. Okay. So you've got all these people that are going to be stars or difference makers in the medium. And so you just think they're good people. So, yeah, I was very fortunate to be there the time. And I'll say this, and I'll shut my mouth. We all went to be good, and we thought the consequence of being good was fame would probably come. Doesn't matter. The difference is then 10 years later, people don't want to go to be good. They want to be famous. Big difference.

[A]

Yeah, there is a big difference. I see a lot of that in comedy too, now, where it's not the. The people coming up, it's like, hey, I want fame. And it's like, if you're getting into comedy for money, good fucking luck.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It doesn't come for if it does at all al time. And you know that.

[B]

Yep. And guess what the good thing about comedy is, you know right away you either got it or you don't. Like, I don't know how actors can do it. How. Why are you used. Both seem to be the same attractiveness.

[A]

Ten of you guys all look alike to me right now. Yeah.

[B]

How's. Which one's gonna be the better actor? I don't know. The comic. We do it, we go out there and you're gonna laugh, and that's the Way it goes. And that's why I get the check. Yeah.

[A]

Let me ask you this, though, as a. So we're going back to 13 here.

[B]

I've had a lot of coffee, by the way.

[A]

You're believing this whole time. I'm gonna get on snl. Yeah. And you're also going against your religion. What your family would support all of this stuff. When you get that, how do you get notified that you got it? Okay, so 95, 96. No, Internet's just start.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. What happens is you go out for your first audition. Now here's. This is going to sound arrogant, but it's not. I had a belief and I'm like, this is going to happen. And so I go out for the first audition and you're not going to believe it. I improvised the audition.

[A]

You did?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You didn't have to send a submission in or anything?

[B]

No, no, I flown out. They had seen me in Chicago. So they fly out the people they want to see. And so I had to do a political impression, a celebrity. I did James Buchanan.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Because we have about the same voice. James Buchanan. He wasn't gonna be, you know, like people. There was this be an election year. So they knew who he was. And I did Jim Carrey and who else in a buddy comedy? Walter Matthaus. Partner. Come on.

[A]

Oh, God. Grumpy old men.

[B]

Yeah. But the other. I can't think of his name.

[A]

Jack Lemon.

[B]

Jack Lemon. Thank you. Oh, boy. I did a very bad Jack Lemmon and. And Jim Carrey in a buddy comedy.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And it was just horrible. But it didn't matter was enough because.

[A]

I knew they put you on the spot. No, no, no.

[B]

Then you wait and you get a call back for a second audition.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I wrote the second audition. I did five different characters, like almost in a staged play in a way. And I was. Dude, I was in the zone. It was mine. I had no nerves. The room's cold. Whatever.

[A]

Isn't it? You and that 8H. And how many people are up in there?

[B]

Like four or five has different stories. Yeah, four or five.

[A]

Not many.

[B]

I mean, years later, I heard someone say, there's a bunch of writers in. There's nobody in the room. There's Lauren walking around doing this. My own people. You know, you're not getting last thing I didn't know and I'm glad I didn't know it. It's being livestream to everybody that works at NBC.

[A]

Oh, shit.

[B]

That would have freaked me out. But anyway, dude, I go and I do it. I Knew it. Then he called out for a third meeting. So at the meeting, you either get the job or you don't. I don't know how many people don't get the job in that meeting, but I knew I had it. But I heard about the guy. This. Our same class was this guy that had. Was. We all thought he's from England because all he talked about is a British accent, right? Turns out he tells him on that day, he's not British. He didn't get the job. Yeah, yeah. Like, dude, really? Oh, yeah. You don't fool Lorne Michaels. You make him look like a fool, you dumbass rat. Yeah, anyway, so yes, got the job and then led to my own demise because a friend of mine said, you know, you don't. You don't suffer fools gladly, which is true. I can't. I can't. If I don't like you, you're gonna know it. If I don't respect you, you're gonna know it. I like, well, we're in this business, but really, you shouldn't be here anyway. I do the show and it's unbelievable how they don't take care of their fucking prisoners like Vince McMahon. For all of his failures, and there are many, he's apparently a horrible guy. He gets his wrestlers over. You have a plan to get your wrestler over. You just go see what happens, fight for the. It's. It's literally Lord of the Flies and it shouldn't be. It's dumb. It's really stupid. You've got a really stupid. That's why you're. When your show suffers, it's because you run it poorly. There you go. What are you gonna do to me? Nothing. But that's the way it works. It works for some people. Now here's the thing. I had said to myself, it's a six year contract. I said to myself, I'm not staying six years. I'm going to leave after three. Already said that to my mind, even though.

[A]

Let's go back for one second. What is it like when you, you get that? Because this is a guy who has, like, you rolled a lot of dice here and you've left a lot of family, religion, all that. To not get it would be.

[B]

But you get it. To not get it wasn't even. I never know I was getting it.

[A]

How did you feel? Did you feel justified?

[B]

Here we go, here we go. As the course of action should be, of course. Now a buddy of mine said, dave, find the target and hit it. I didn't go, what do you mean? I said, okay, whatever. No, dumbass. You've got to have a fucking method here. It's not just going to happen now. You're in it.

[A]

You're winging it.

[B]

You've got a fucking captain your boat. And I didn't. Very well.

[A]

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All.

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[B]

I had a very successful year. I had four recurring characters, political impressions. No, I got airtime. You know, Jay Moore, God bless him, gasping for airtime. I wasn't gasping. You wanted more. But I had a solid season. No reason to not pick me up. There were two people that didn't cotton to me. One was a producer from NBC. And another one was a writer on the show. And so those people. I'd said something disparaging about the writer. And it's true. I. I said something. Yeah, come on.

[A]

Right?

[B]

But his buddy didn't say anything to me at the time. Like, that's my friend. He pouts for two weeks, then goes tells the guy. And he made it his mission to get me off the show. Fucking children. Come on, man. Come to me. Go. Hey, motherfucker. I'd say, heard you said shit. Okay, I did, and I was wrong. I'll apologize. And you've done this. And this and this. Now we're talking. No, let's just get the smallest part of ourselves. Anyway, so that was that. But I was very fortunate in that I got an exit interview with Lauren. Nobody does. I did.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

I got to say goodbye.

[A]

He wanted to sit down with you.

[B]

Well, I asked, and he said yes.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And we talked. Dave, you're an artist. Don't change that. And I thought so. You don't want artists here, Dave. Bill Murray would never do a sitcom. So that's the type of, like, what is this weird advice? So I avoided sitcoms, which was dumb, right? Anyway, dude, I fell forward the whole time. So here we are.

[A]

And what kind of. I know. The hours are crazy. Are you just burning a candle?

[B]

I'm built for that. Dude. Go. Let's go. Yeah. And then go drink.

[A]

So let's talk about that. Oh, boy. Is that where drinking starts for you?

[B]

No.

[A]

Not the problem with drinking.

[B]

Well, I started when I was 10. 10? Yeah.

[A]

Well, you're three years into your dad's business.

[B]

Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Dude, I'm getting drunk in eighth grade. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Drunk in eighth grade.

[B]

Good Catholic buddy. Hey, dude, this body must have a constitution, because I'll tell you what, I put it down.

[A]

What did you get a hold of at 10?

[B]

Someone's buddy. Somebody bought Strawberry Hill and Easy Nights. Strawberry. Help. Boone's Farm. Strawberry.

[A]

Know.

[B]

TJ Swan. Easy Nights. And also stepping out. And so we drink wine. And then eventually, by the time you're a senior, you're drinking beer. And so that was it. Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer.

[A]

That was your drink. Beer.

[B]

Tons of it, baby. Liquor. No, everyone's Why I do liquor. But you're gonna throw. You're gonna throw up. So just beer. Beer's that fun buzz. All day, all night, you know? So, yeah, if you want to cut to that one. I mean, so then I'm doing that for whatever. All my life. Tell me a bed drink for 50 years.

[A]

50?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How? Like, what's a. What's a day every day?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Probably toward the end.

[A]

Yeah, so what. What's a day for you? And toward the end, I mean, how many beers are we talking?

[B]

Oh, it'd be a mix. So you go, you're hiding now? Now you're an alcoholic. Now you're an alcoholic.

[A]

When do you realize that?

[B]

Oh, 11. Before I was 50.

[A]

You did?

[B]

Yeah. I'm like, I gotta stop. Gotta stop. You know, in my late 40s. Gotta stop, gotta stop, gotta stop. Gotta slow down. What's.

[A]

Who you're. Why is your conscious talking to you? Are you having health problems or.

[B]

No, I just. I know.

[A]

Uis or any trouble.

[B]

Those are coming.

[A]

Don't. Don't say that they're coming.

[B]

No, I already had two. Oh, you're not know that it's not on the big board. I've had two DUIs. We get there.

[A]

So I see they're coming in the story if you want it. Yeah.

[B]

So in my late 40s, I'm like, yeah, I got a problem. Probably my 30s. Like. Yeah, but it's fine. God, dude, I don't know how I know. Imagine what could have happened if I was sober the whole time. I'd have posters, but it's fine. So late 40s, you know, but I'm in the marriage. That's not great. And I got kids and more kids and so you got a lot of it then it's just maintenance. I need a couple peers after whatever at the end of the day. So that's just some, you know, cool down beers.

[A]

And are your five children all at the same mom?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Okay, so I'll tell that one really quickly. We got married, got pregnant within two months. She had a difficult birth, lost her uterus, still had her ovaries. So we created our own kids with her eggs and my cum medical. I'm a doctor. I'm a doctor, Mr. Honeydew. I'm a doctor, Mr. Do. Paging Dr. Honeydew. Honeydews and honeydews. Goats. So we created embryos and used all of them. We had. We had 11 embryos. We use the first three got her daughter Margot, and then the other eight were frozen into two groups of four thought out. The first group of four got the twins thought out. The last group of four got the last kid. There's no more embryos left, but that's why I have five kids.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So two are twins. I'm A twin, so.

[B]

Oh, well, technically, they all.

[A]

They all are. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. They're all created on the same day.

[A]

That's interesting. Boy, that really starts to. With you when you find out when. And I always say that too. The argument about when life begins and whatever. But as a twin, I mean, you're saying life begins in the. Am I older? I'm delivered. I'm technically not.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Born at 1. I'm born at 104.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I could be the older fetus in the belly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I'm determined. Life begins for me when I come out of my mom's vagina after this guy. I don't. But I never thought of that. They're all. Yeah, all those are.

[B]

They're all just hatched.

[A]

Different.

[B]

Conceived on the same day.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Okay.

[B]

Yeah. Anyway, so that's how I got that. And then. Yeah. Difficult marriage. So the drinking increased probably exponentially because of that. For sure. I'm not blaming her, I'm blaming me. But it was difficult, and that's a whole different thing. And whatever. But then after. I went to rehab once, when I was married twice. Didn't stick. Rehab doesn't work, just so you know. It stops you from doing your thing for a month. And then if you don't get into aa, if you don't get in the program, there's no way. I don't see it. You know, I take ant abuse, so that helps.

[A]

What's that?

[B]

It's called dysulfium. If I drink, I'll violently throw up.

[A]

Is that right?

[B]

Yep. So I don't even think about.

[A]

So it's just that. That's a deterrent then. Is that all it is?

[B]

Well, no. No, it's an impossibility. You can't drink.

[A]

Oh, it's an impossible.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah. You could drink.

[A]

It's not like, you know, Christina P. Took Ozempic and ate through it. They're like. Yeah, you're not supposed to be able to do that. You can't drink through this.

[B]

Oh, you. You. If you drink. If you drink, you're gonna throw up right away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never tested it. What I've done once. Well, let's see. Because you can sneak an alcoholic.

[A]

I didn't know that.

[B]

Schemes and bargains, constant. When you're an alcoholic, that's all you're doing all day long, scheming and bargaining. When can I. When can I. Now you're hiding because everyone knows you're an alcoholic because you've been to rehab twice. Right. So I tried to do disulfiram, and I didn't have anybody making me take the pill, so I'd moved out by this point, I think. And, well, though I was going to tell a story. So I had taken it for two weeks and then I stopped. So a week later, I had a beer and threw up in 20 minutes. So it stays in your system.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And now I do it, you know, at least three days a week. I have one of my best friends, Wes Winbury, shout out. I will either send him a video or we'll do it live on Facebook, FaceTime. And that will be for the balance of my life, because Wes, if I. If he hasn't heard from me in four days, he'll text Pilly Dilly, please.

[A]

You know, is he a sponsor or just a friend?

[B]

Oldest and dearest friends. Yeah. I didn't know you cried on this podcast. But I will. So, yeah, Wes will never abandon this duty. You know, I would say if Wes didn't hear from me in two weeks and if I didn't pick up the phone, he's gonna fly out from Missouri and go, hey, what's up, man? That's good.

[A]

Yeah, that's nice.

[B]

Yeah. So I take my pill, and you know what I do? It does. I don't think about alcohol because I can't have it. You don't wake up and ever think about stealing a car?

[A]

Yeah, never in my life.

[B]

Now that's the same with. With booze. Yeah, of course not. But that's where I was. Booze. I don't even think about it because it's not possible. No, I will. I'll tell people. I would today. Here's what would have happened. You know, if you're here, there, I would have started drinking. And if I was already an alcoholic, I'd start hiding, and I'd find the way to hide it. I would have had two drinks before breakfast. Yeah. No, no, no. By the end, you're buying shooters of Smirnoff or absolute.

[A]

All the little so airline little guys.

[B]

Give her the evidence. So you just bang, bang those down. Coffee. Banging them down. Coffee. I'm good. Got a little buzz now. You don't realize, I can see your eyes are glassy, but they don't. They surely not drunk by eight. I'm not drunk, but I got a little buzz, so. And then. Then what happens there is you have those two now. This is at the end. This is at the end, you have those two and, you know, maybe the kids aren't with me this week or they're somewhere else, you know, maybe their moms or whatever. So now, after I do some work of some kind I can have, there's a game. Well, that's free drinking. I'm going to get a six pack of the highest alcohol IPAs, and of course, two more of the little bangers to finish it off at night. You know, because you're an alcoholic. There's no break. There's no handbrake break. Yeah. Anyway, that's enough of me now.

[A]

What about your health? How's your health?

[B]

Remarkably good. Yeah, Remarkably well. Although I'm now pre diabetic. I'm pre diabetic. Pre diabetic. Hardest thing to kick is sugar, baby.

[A]

That's just shot a smooth operator. Is that. Yeah, I got it. Yeah. Wait, so hold on. Let's go back to alcohol for a second. So you. You drinking for? I mean, we're talking about decades. How long have you been sober?

[B]

Be a year. Thanksgiving.

[A]

Oh, God, this is newer.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I've tried for 10 years.

[A]

Were you. Is the. This pill thing.

[B]

No, no, no. Pill, pill thing. I've never taken it this sustainably. It's because of Wes.

[A]

But is that a new medication?

[B]

I don't know how you look up antibuse or dysulframe. It's been around for a long time. I don't know why people don't do it in aa. We say there's no cure yet. Right.

[A]

So you do go to aa?

[B]

Oh, yeah, whatever.

[A]

I can.

[B]

I'll do it online. Tomb Zoom, whatever. Although I did one podcast that was a. Was a sobriety podcast. He goes, well, you can watch one of the podcasts. And that's. That's a meeting. I'm like, really? Yeah. So yeah, yeah, so yeah, dude, I'm.

[A]

What'S replaced alcohol for you now.

[B]

Sugar for a while. And then the doctor goes, oh, you can't. What are you doing? What are you doing? You can't do that. Here's how the addiction goes. I would buy Tillamook cookie dough ice cream and then buy Oreo Mega stuff. I don't around mega stuff. Put it that in a heaping bowl. Put five of those on there. Crunch that thing up and get high as a kite, bro.

[A]

You just eat that sugar and get that rush. Were you eating sugar like that before the alcohol?

[B]

Not as much doing. Yeah, I've always had that sugar thing, but yeah, so yeah, dude. So yeah, I have no health problems. It's amazing. Did you get it?

[A]

When did you get your first DUI?

[B]

Okay. It was right before New Year's, 2022. I was.

[A]

That's recent. Ish, too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you've been all those years? That's what they say. Once you finally get one, you could have had one 400 times before or something.

[B]

I had been sober for six months.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. I tell this in my standup. I'd been sober for six months. It's alcoholics love to change their sobriety date because, you know, I want it to be January 1st. That's how dumb it was. I did that just excuse to drink because the bear is rattling the cage that hard. So I drank and drove and got a dui.

[A]

We're out here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Simi Valley.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Stupid.

[A]

How far were you going?

[B]

How far?

[A]

Like, how far was the drive?

[B]

Oh, it was. It was good. Miles.

[A]

It was.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they got you quick.

[B]

Yeah. After I got off, I made my exit.

[A]

What'd they get? What'd they tell you they got you for?

[B]

Oh, I popped a tire. I ran over a curb.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Oh, you aren't driving well.

[B]

Oh, no. I need to be off the road. Thank God no one got hurt. Yeah. Yeah. So then I was sober again for another six months.

[A]

So wait, you're going to jail that night? Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And who let you just go out on your own recognizance next day or somebody?

[B]

Next day? Yeah, next day I took an Uber.

[A]

And does that get publicized everywhere you can eat?

[B]

I can't wait till those go down.

[A]

All the way down. Simi Valley. They're finding out.

[B]

The cops send it to them.

[A]

Oh, nah, I didn't know that they work with them.

[B]

Fuck.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Someone's going to attack. Tip line gets right away. 51 bucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Is that out before you're even out of jail?

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So then I go back to aa. Of course. You're doing your best. The acrimonious relationship with the X continues. I have to fly to. Okay. I had a flight to West Virginia for Comic Cons because it was during the pandemic. Clubs are half full, so I was doing Comic Cons and I'm a good soldier. My flight from. From Charlotte didn't make it in, so my flight out to West Virginia won't make it. And I don't want to disappoint people. So I said, you know what? I'll just fly to Columbus and then I'll drive. Flew to Columbus. Now it's a two hour drive to this small town in wherever I'm in West Virginia. I had Drinks on the plane because I'd had a fight with my ex. So I drank on the plane and rented a car. Drove two and a half hours, three miles from my hotel. I'm looking at my phone for the directions, cross the fog line I had. After I got my car, I went to a gas station, bought a tall. No, I bought a six pack. No, no. I bought two tall boy IPAs, and I'm drinking one. I'm like, what are you doing? You can't do that. So I threw it out the window, which wasn't quite all the way down. So it spills in the car, then I throw it out, and I throw the other one out. Yes, I littered.

[A]

He doesn't see it.

[B]

No, no, no. Did I drive for two and a half hours.

[A]

Oh, I see.

[B]

So when I roll down the window, they smell the alcohol. I. I passed the. The. The sobriety test. They don't. They didn't give me a Breathalyzer out in the field.

[A]

What's the test? Just walking.

[B]

All that. This stuff.

[A]

Everything but blowing the thing.

[B]

So then they take me to the station, and I'm not. Still not. No.

[A]

Don't they take you if you pass?

[B]

I don't know. I thought I passed. So then I'm down there, and then this patrolman goes, hey, do you want to take a. A breathalyzer test? I said, I don't know. And he goes, well, I said, what happens if I don't take it? Well, you can't drive in Ohio for two years. And my guess is you don't have to drive in Ohio for two years, which I thought was code for don't do it.

[A]

So I'm here. I'm reading between the lines right now, and you're saying it.

[B]

It's an automatic OVI Operating vehicle impaired. Well, you didn't tell me that part, motherfucker. Well, let me blow on it and see what the fuck.

[A]

So if you don't, then you automatically get this. Oh, so he doesn't tell you that.

[B]

How's that look? Two DUIs in six months. And the irony is, sober for most of that year is do you think it's time to quit? Did I quit? No.

[A]

When's the next drink?

[B]

Probably went three months after that second dui because I was in a relationship, and she was, you know, trying to hawkeye me as much as she could. Not going to meetings.

[A]

So.

[B]

Yeah, then you just keep. Then I'll have. My thing was I would have. I would be sober for three months and fall. Had a sponsor have A sponsor. And, you know, that's typical.

[A]

Really.

[B]

They say relapse is part of it, Dave. Relapse is part of it. So then I'd get four months. Sometimes, like, okay, I beat that. 90 days. But, you know, I keep falling for some excuse because you scheme on your bargain. Then I'm like, okay, I'm done. I'm done. So what's the alcoholic say? Thanksgiving seems like a good day. That's it. I'll picks Thanksgiving. But it's working, so that's good.

[A]

Is it running the family?

[B]

Oh, yeah. My mom was alcoholic.

[A]

Oh, mom is.

[B]

Dad was too, but dad had pancreatitis and had to quit at 50. That's the only reason. Otherwise, my dad used to bring home a case and you know the lettuce crisper at the bottom of a refrigerator used to have. That's where the beer would go.

[A]

Down there. Huh. What did mom like?

[B]

Seven and sevens.

[A]

Oh, okay. That was every day she's drinking those.

[B]

You don't know that, right?

[A]

You don't know.

[B]

She's quietly got drunk, stoned at night.

[A]

Were your parents. Are they still alive?

[B]

They're past. They both made it to 80.

[A]

80. Yeah. Did you ever talk to them about it? Like, later? Like, you're where you find out. Your mom's like, I've been drinking this shit all along.

[B]

Or, oh, no, that's. You don't talk about your shame and Catholicism.

[A]

Never.

[B]

No.

[A]

Even as they got older, no, she kept.

[B]

She. She had a heart attack at 57 and was a smoker, so she had to quit smoking and drinking. And then this doctor said you can have an ounce a day. You don't tell an alcoholic you can have an ounce a day.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So anyway. But. Yeah, so you know, you got to quit. You gotta quit. When you gotta quit, you know it quit. It's okay. You don't think. And that's why they say one day at a time, because you can't quit forever. You gotta get through the next 90 seconds, I swear to God. Are you sober?

[A]

Well, here it is.

[B]

You're not an alcoholic.

[A]

Well, I quit drinking. I was never really a big drinker anyway.

[B]

You're not an alcoholic.

[A]

I went through watching. I lived with a girlfriend at the time, and she got a dui. And at the time, I'm watching this, and I'm like, oh, my God, this girl just paid $10,000, lost her license for a year, taking the bus to work. They make you go. I didn't know. They made you go to AA classes and you got to get signatures and all this. And I was like, you know, all of that. And then it's not like that DUI gets wiped off the record after all that. It's still there. And I was like, man. And that it dawned on Mrs. Probably just right around 2005. And I'm like, well, I'm in these clubs. I drink three beers. Oh, yeah, I'm fine to drive home. And then I started thinking, then I started seeing everybody was. Because this is before Uber and everything. And I'm like, man, if a dog runs out in front of me or something, even if it's not my fault, if I'm stopped, it's on me. I'm to blame.

[B]

Three is a dui.

[A]

Boom. Yeah, that. Yeah. And so that started my slow. And then with all the health issues I had a few years ago with clotting and all that out, they were like, you're on blood thinners. You should stop now. I smoke marijuana. I smoke a small motherfucking forest. I'm not sitting here saying I'm better than anybody. Just alcohol is not there anymore. And I watch my friend too. Like, he comes over and he brings his daughter. My daughter. By 9:30, he's had his old Fashioned. He's sleeping on the couch.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's done. And I'm playing with the girls and stuff. And I realize, like, even if I'm smoking marijuana, if there's an emergency, I can get up and function. He is incapacit. Like, he can't do.

[B]

He's an added.

[A]

He's a problem now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm. That's my lesser of the twos. That's the one I choose. Y. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. So, you know, like a plus. Ah. One of my daughters said she went to a wedding and she was dead, you know, I want you to walk me down the aisle. She knows what she's doing.

[A]

How old is she?

[B]

She's 24. That's tough. The worst part is what you put your kids through.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, but the thing is, you know, I tell them, don't drink, please don't drink.

[A]

Do they?

[B]

Yeah. Not bad. If they are. I will. I will get. I will move in. I will not. I will not allow it. You will not.

[A]

I'm using that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You will not help.

[A]

I'm moving.

[B]

You will not be an alcoholic.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or an addict on my watch.

[A]

No. Are they.

[B]

Well, you gotta let them live their life. You. I've invested money in these page. What's that?

[A]

Do they all live close or. You Guys all together?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, one's in Colorado at college, but they all want to come back to LA and so happy. Yeah. My oldest boy and my youngest boy live with me. I travel so much that my youngest daughter prefers not to go back and forth. We live a block away from each other, me and the ex. And so. That's great. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. That's nice.

[B]

So, yeah, two of them live with me still, and then one has her own apartment with her boyfriend, and then. So, yeah, she lives two miles away.

[A]

Is what your daughter said the reason you really started?

[B]

No, no, no, that's just after. Oh, just as a reminder. Yeah, but drinking.

[A]

Your liver checked and everything.

[B]

It was high at one point, but it's normal now.

[A]

Yeah, it's interesting to me because I have a. You know, thank God I've sat across from so many people who talk about alcoholism, and I can sit at a bar, drink half a beer and walk away. And they look at me and say, nah. Then they say, I can't even have one. And they'll say, if I sit down, I'll have 20. And then they'll say, that's not an exaggeration.

[B]

And then guess what?

[A]

Saying, 20.

[B]

Yeah, that's not enough. I'm still going to go home and have one. It's. It is a disease. Once you're an alcoholic, you're an alcoholic, and there's no going back. You will never not be an alcoholic again. That's it. Too bad.

[A]

There was a kid I went to school with. His brother was a year older than us. And it was just a few years ago, he hit me up and he said, I have to let you know, my brother passed. And I saw. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. What the hell happened? He's not even 50. And he said he never stopped. This is the. It's not funny, but this line. He never stopped drinking. Like we were in high school. First of all, we're not supposed to be drinking.

[B]

No.

[A]

You know, you're going to. That's what you're going. You don't realize. You can have a glass of wine. You're going. Everything to get up.

[B]

If you bought a six pack, you're going to drink a six pack.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so he said he drank like that. And then he went to the. He woke up one day and his eyes were yellow. He just white at night, yellow. Next day, went to the doctor and they told him, we're sorry, It's. It's too late for you. And within a Couple months he was gone. Well, yeah. Yeah.

[B]

It's tough to give a liver to an alcoholic. They're the ones that need them the most. But this was. This. This should be some inflammation. Probably should go to the sober ones first.

[A]

Had you ever done AA and all that in your earlier years? So you. You've been trying for a while?

[B]

Trying forever.

[A]

You have?

[B]

Yeah. My, my, my, my. Be honest. Who gives a shit? My sponsor said, dave, you're a hardcore alcoholic. Yeah.

[A]

Which is interesting because when I think hardcore alcoholic for. I don't think beer. You know what I mean? I think the whiskey, the brown liquors.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, well, the white ones, you don't. Don't smell as much.

[A]

Don't be giving tips.

[B]

Well, that's. That's why you do it. I switched to vodka.

[A]

Tequila's got a stamp of vodka, huh?

[B]

Yeah. A bag of nuts. Sad. Sad.

[A]

I had a friend. This isn't fun either, but it does make me laugh. He was an alcoholic and instead of getting help, he would scheme like you said. And one of the things he swore by, and other people said it too, is he would keep peanut butter in the car. Yeah, that's true. Huh. And if he get pulled over, he'd eat it real quick. And they could not detect the alcohol in his breath because I do think he would have vodka. He might have screwdrivers or something.

[B]

Or something. What? What? That won't be the breathalyzer, though, will it?

[A]

It won't be the breathalyzer. But his point is they're not even going to smell it and they're not even going to ask me to get out of the car. And the other thing he did. This is ridiculous. It's true, too. Instead of, again, going to get out, same dude, he got a priest costume. And after he leave the bar, he'd put the cob.

[B]

That's what I'm talking about.

[A]

And he would drive home with the pre. Nobody.

[B]

If you don't love that man, you don't love yourself. I love that man. Wow. That's a dedicated alcoholic.

[A]

That's a dedicated alcoholic.

[B]

I just. I just gave. I just gave peanut butter. I just gave last wishes to a lad. And, well, the mom wanted. His wife wanted to have a little. A little hot toddy, so I did. Will you pray with me?

[A]

Yeah, man. The mind of the alcoholic, the addict, I should say, it's not just alcohol. It's. That's the mind of the addict, man. Anything like you're saying, you're thinking of every single. Yeah, Yep.

[B]

God, man, I'm so happy.

[A]

Do you feel better now? You really, you know it.

[B]

You have a chance to be present.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My. My sponsor said, dave, when you get through this, you're finally going to meet yourself. You know what I told him? I hope I like.

[A]

Yeah, dude, thank you for doing this, man. This has been really great. It's been great to sit and talk to you.

[B]

It's done. I. I talk way too much. If you have to, but thank you. Boy, we've been trying to do this for a long time.

[A]

We have.

[B]

You'd hit me up on Instagram, I think, and I'd said yes, and then it didn't happen.

[A]

Listen, I tell people all the time. The hardest part and when we have lunch, and I'll tell you this too about podcasting, is getting two people to sit down in the same room for an hour. It's really hard as especially the more people you involve. It gets harder and harder. Everybody's got schedules, kids, all that. It's difficult.

[B]

It's tough town. You're busy. You and I are in show business. We hustle you. You will never quit. I will never quit. Let's go, baby.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Pedal to the metal, shoulder to the wheel. Let's go.

[A]

It's been great to have you. Before we wrap up.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I'm curious advice you'd give to 16 year old David K. You already know.

[B]

Don't drink at all. At all. Don't drink, David Keckner, because you can't do it.

[A]

Yeah, that's great advice. One more time. Promote everything you'd like, please. Your dates, your all of yes.

[B]

Website. David Keckner. David Keckner. K O E C H N E R On Tick tock and on Instagram. That'll get you there.

[A]

Thank you, brother.

[B]

God bless you.

[A]

Thank you, man. Thank you so much as always. Ryan Sickler on all your social media. We'll talk to y' all next week.