Kirsten Schwickerath - KirstenDew

Summary

Episode Summary: "Kirsten Schwickerath - KirstenDew"

Release Date: December 30, 2024

In this deeply personal and introspective episode of "The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler," host Ryan Sickler welcomes his producer, Kirsten Schwickerath, to share her compelling journey through adversity, self-discovery, and resilience. Drawing from her own experiences, Kirsten opens up about her complex family dynamics, academic struggles, abusive relationships, mental health challenges, and the path she took to find healing and love. This episode stands as a testament to the human spirit's ability to overcome profound obstacles and emerge stronger.

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1. Introduction and Setting the Stage

The episode begins with Ryan expressing heartfelt gratitude to his listeners and introducing Kirsten Schwickerath, his producer. At [02:16], Ryan states:

“Welcome back to the Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Night Pants Studios... I am very excited for this episode. This is our end of the year 2024 episode. It's been a hell of a year.”

Ryan acknowledges the milestone of celebrating five years of the podcast, setting a tone of reflection and appreciation.

2. Family Background and Early Life

Kirsten delves into her upbringing in a small town in Southern Iowa, painting a vivid picture of her early environment. At [05:50], she shares:

“So I'm from a really small town in Southern Iowa called Melcher, Dallas. If people are familiar with Sprint cars, it's right next to, like, the Sprint car National of the world. It's called Knoxville.”

She discusses the close-knit nature of her community, where graduating with a class of just 15 students fostered strong, enduring relationships. Kirsten reflects on the unique challenges and benefits of growing up in such an intimate setting, highlighting how it shaped her sense of belonging and interpersonal skills.

3. Transition to College and Emerging Struggles

Moving from high school to college marked a significant turning point for Kirsten. The increased independence and academic pressures were overwhelming, especially as she began to grapple with undiagnosed ADHD. At [19:55], she candidly admits:

“I was totally lost... I was just kinda dopamine sinking. I was lost, and I was just trying to... It was this weird mix of going from, like, high school was so easy, and I felt so smart. And now it's like, were you lied to the whole time?”

Kirsten discusses how the lack of structure and support in college exacerbated her ADHD symptoms, leading to academic probation and a series of tumultuous relationships that further destabilized her mental health.

4. Navigating Abusive Relationships

A pivotal and harrowing part of Kirsten's story involves her experience with an abusive relationship. She describes the gradual erosion of her autonomy and self-worth. At [36:22], she recounts:

“He would have to be in there. And he had to sit on the toilet and just watch me and make sure... I was never allowed to be in the bathroom alone.”

Kirsten details the controlling behaviors, emotional manipulation, and physical abuse she endured, painting a stark picture of the isolation and fear that often accompany abusive relationships. She emphasizes the insidious nature of such abuse, where control is exerted through seemingly small, everyday actions that accumulate into profound psychological trauma.

5. Meeting Devin and Finding Stability

Amidst the chaos of her personal struggles, Kirsten meets Devin, who would become her supportive husband. Their meeting was unconventional, facilitated through Tinder while Kirsten was under a pseudonym, seeking connections at house parties. At [27:15], she explains:

“I met him actually, like, my third week of college. When I first up, my first year, I was under a fake name on Tinder. I just wanted to find house parties because that's where I was.”

Their relationship faced early challenges, including Devin's deployment and Kirsten's ongoing battles with mental health. However, their bond strengthened over time, providing Kirsten with the support she desperately needed. She reflects on the serendipitous nature of their connection:

“Devin and I are talking... and then out of nowhere, he just stops messaging me. Just stops messaging me. And so I'm like, all right, whatever.”

This phase highlights Kirsten's resilience and her ability to navigate complex relationship dynamics even amidst personal turmoil.

6. Confronting Mental Health Issues

Kirsten's journey through mental health challenges is a central theme of this episode. She discusses her diagnosis of ADHD and PTSD, and the impact these conditions had on her life. At [21:09], she shares:

“I find out that, like, I get diagnosed with ADHD, and looking back on it now, I think a lot of it was like, I was just... I was kind of dopamine sinking. I was lost, and I was just trying to...”

Her struggles with insomnia, substance abuse, and the subsequent hospitalizations for severe insomnia episodes reveal the depth of her battles. Kirsten provides a raw and honest account of her mental health journey, emphasizing the importance of seeking help and the challenges of navigating the healthcare system.

7. Overcoming Adversity and Healing

Through therapy, supportive relationships, and personal determination, Kirsten begins to reclaim her life. She reflects on the pivotal moments that led to her healing and the rekindling of her relationship with Devin. At [34:24], she muses:

“Going back to your dad, almost losing his arm, if that happens, all these people don't even know exist. And if you don't do exactly what you did in this situation, you may not even have Devin.”

Kirsten discusses the significance of her father’s near-tragic accident and how witnessing resilience in her family inspired her own path to recovery. Her relationship with Devin serves as a cornerstone of her healing process, providing stability and understanding.

8. Insights and Advice for the Younger Self

Towards the end of the episode, Kirsten offers heartfelt advice to her 16-year-old self and listeners who may be facing similar struggles. At [57:34], she wisely advises:

“It's going to be fine. And like nothing, nothing about, like, worrying about tomorrow, like, worrying about tomorrow's problems are just going to take away today's piece.”

Her words encapsulate the essence of her journey—from feeling overwhelmed and lost to finding peace and purpose. Kirsten emphasizes the importance of self-compassion, patience, and the belief that challenges can be overcome with time and support.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Kirsten Schwickerath at [04:11]:
  “I told you yesterday that that same day you called me, your name came up on my Fitbit. I denied it because I got so scared, I thought I was being pranked.”

• Kirsten Schwickerath at [10:28]:
  “That butterfly effect. Like, that one thing changes. And there's this whole line of people that never come along.”

• Kirsten Schwickerath at [21:09]:
  “a lot of the anxiety I had in college was a lot of mismanaged ADHD stuff where it's like my brain was just not functioning how it was supposed to.”

• Kirsten Schwickerath at [27:15]:
  “I met him actually, like, my third week of college... I just wanted to find house parties.”

• Kirsten Schwickerath at [35:16]:
  “Devin and I are together and we're good. He's definitely my person. He's a really great guy.”

• Kirsten Schwickerath at [57:34]:
  “It's going to be fine. And like nothing, nothing about, like, worrying about tomorrow, like, worrying about tomorrow's problems are just going to take away today's piece.”

Conclusion

Kirsten Schwickerath’s narrative is a profound exploration of overcoming personal demons, navigating complex family dynamics, and finding solace in meaningful relationships. Her honesty and vulnerability provide listeners with both empathy and inspiration, embodying the core essence of "The HoneyDew"—highlighting and laughing at life's lowlights while finding the sweet moments within them.

Through this episode, Kirsten not only shares her story but also extends a message of hope and resilience to anyone grappling with similar challenges. Her journey underscores the importance of seeking help, the power of supportive relationships, and the unwavering human spirit's capacity to heal and thrive amidst adversity.

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Further Listening:

For those who resonate with Kirsten’s story or are seeking inspiration in overcoming their own challenges, this episode of "The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler" offers a heartfelt and honest portrayal of resilience and the pursuit of happiness despite life's inevitable lows.

Transcript

[Ryan Sickler]

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Guys, we have a new tier on our Patreon and it includes exclusive bonus content. Listen up. Right now, for just $5, you get the Honeydew a day early. You get it ad free. And you get a free full bonus episode of the Honeydew with y'all where listeners highlight their lowlights. And it's gonna stay that way. Five bucks. And for just $3 more, you're also gonna get the way back a day early and ad free. But that's not all. You'll get exclusive bonus content with the guests, some fun segments, maybe some games and we'd love to get you guys involved. And that's all for only $3 more. And there's no censorship on any of the Patreon episodes. Subscribe now.

The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler.

Welcome back to the Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Night Pants Studios. I'm Ryan Sickler. Ryan Sickler.com Ryan Sickler on all your social media. And I'm starting this episode like I start them all by saying thank you. Thank you for anything you do that supports anything I do. I don't care if it's a shirt. I Don't care if you're telling a friend, whatever it is. Thank you so much. If you've come to see a live show, if you've done an episode of the Patreon, whatever. Thank you so much. All right, and I'm telling you right now, you got to check out the new tier on Patreon.

All right?

Now you're getting the way back a day earlier. Getting it ad free. You're getting that also with no censorship. Know any of that and exclusive bonus content on that tier, you're not getting anywhere else. And it's only $3 more. All right, I am very excited for this episode. This is our end of the year 2024 episode. It's been a hell of a year. It's been a great What? When did we start this? This has been a great five year. Five years old already. Thank you. I can't even get over it. We have a great family here. We have a great team of people helping bring this show to you every week. And one of the people I love the most is our producer Kirsten here. So, ladies and gentlemen, it's her episode today. Introducing you to producer Kirsten. Please welcome Kirsten Schwicker. Ass. Welcome to the Honeydew, Kirsten. You look really nice today, Kirsten.

Not that you don't always thing that's nice. I do. I normally put trash out there.

No, you do not. I tell you all the time, your hair looks nice.

You do. You're very complimentary. It's very nice of you.

Thanks for doing this. Yeah, I'm already seeing stuff up there that I don't know about you. So before we get into all this, because I know not everyone's gonna see the Way Back episode we did, but why don't you tell them how you got the job here first?

Well, I got the job because I actually planned on reaching out to you to do the Honeydew with y'all. I was planning to write out my laundry list to get on the show as a Patreon member, but it was like end of May. Just graduated with my degree. So I was like, well, I ended up reaching out to YMH because they were moving to Austin, and Nadav gave me the bump to you, and I was like, well, yeah, I watched the do a lot, so for sure I reached out to you. I told you yesterday that that same day you called me, your name came up on my Fitbit. I denied it because I got so scared, I thought I was being pranked.

How did my name even came up Was I in your phone?

No, that's. I. It's something with. That's why I was like, is something going on? I don't know. I think it might be the cell services.

It might just be there.

Sickler Ryan. And I was like, in that real quick. And then. Yeah, I think it was like, just a couple days after that, I drove up to come meet you. I passed you. I didn't even recognize you on the sidewalk because you're sitting on the sidewalk smoking a joint. I went into the store, and you're like. You walked right past me. And I didn't know it was you just because I'd only ever seen you on camera. I also didn't know you had a tattoo. And I was like, that can't be him. Is it?

I have short sleeve on that.

He had a short sleeve on. I saw a little bit. I was like, I don't know if he has a tattoo. I don't remember it. So. But, yeah, that was the start of it. And I think I. I mean, like you said, I drove up here for, like, two months before we officially moved.

She drove up for two months and interned for a lot of it for free when gas was $6 a gallon.

Yeah.

Then you end up moving closer, and now here we are in the new studio.

Yeah. Yeah.

So almost finally. How many years later? 3. 2. You're finally going to do the episode you wanted to do.

Three. Yeah.

All right, so let's go. Tell us about you, I guess, right where you're from originally.

Yeah. So I'm from a really small town in Southern Iowa called Melcher, Dallas. If people are familiar with Sprint cars, it's right next to, like, the Sprint car National of the world. It's called Knoxville. But, yeah, it's like, huge thing. Like, every year there's a nationals. Like, people from New Zealand fly their cars over. It's a big thing. But Melcher is just like a Melcher. Dallas is just a small town next to that. So I graduated with, like, 15 kids in my class.

That blows me away.

I mean, I graduated 15, and I always say that 12 of us went into preschool together, so it's like we were all.

For real.

Yeah, they're all through. Yeah. We had, like, our friend Tanner was homeschooled for a couple years, but he came back. But there were only three, I think, graduated with us that weren't there from preschool on.

So it was like, though, is it fun or you get sick of those people?

Oh, for us, it was great. Our class was really great. And our people. Yeah. Our teachers would even tell us. They're like, man, we don't know what we're gonna do after your class. Because our class wasn't necessarily all, like, super close friends, but we all just, like, understood each other. It was really respectful. People kind of had their groups, but the group still intermingled, so I didn't mind it at all. I had a good time with it.

Do you. Did you have rival high schools where you at least would go and see, like, oh, my God, there's 400 fucking people or 500 people in this class?

No, because we are like, anything that we do is all in 1A. So it's like. And I always joke that we're like, the half A of 1.

What's it go up to? Because California, I know it's big out here to five, four, five, I think.

Is the biggest one. So my actual. My younger brother went to a 5A school, and those are. I think his class was, like, close to, like, 600 kids, which is, like, bigger than my, like, college graduating class, I think, almost. Yeah.

What. So when do you finally go to a high school where you're like, oh, this is what a high school is like, where they all pack the gym for the games. And, like, when does that.

When I go to college.

So when you go see your brother at a school or something.

I never even really saw his because he was. He's a couple years younger than me. So it really wasn't until I went to college. We did have a. We did have a ride.

Even your college was small.

Yeah, it was a smaller.

Like, there's schools in Texas and California. They're bigger than your college.

Oh, for sure.

Yeah.

Yeah. You know, it's definitely. It's like, I went to the University of Northern Iowa. It's probably. It's the smaller of the three universities. I know. You know about it. You're a big Panthers fan. So. Yeah, I mean, other than that, we did have, like, a rival high school team, but they were all just 1A, so our big rival team was a Twin Cedars. They were the Sabers, and they are like Prince. As far as history goes. There's like, they're like our rivals, but they're still 1A. But they might have, like, 30 kids in their class, so it's like. That's the difference. Yeah.

That was a classroom for. I know. I wasn't. I wasn't even a big school either. I mean. I mean, it was several hundred graduating class. A few. I mean, I don't Know, I have to go back and look, but, I mean, I would say our. Our individual classrooms are 30 people.

Yeah, those are like, our actual full class sizes. I mean, I think I said on the way back, too, that. So our high school building was 6 through 12, and I think the most at one time, our student body was, like, 126 or something, so. And that's. Yeah, that's sixth grade, so.

So. All right, explain your extended family. Start with that, because you've got a lot of siblings and things moving.

Yeah, so. So I. I'm one of seven, but none from the same mom and dad. So it starts with my stepmom now, who was actually my dad's first wife. So she comes into the picture. She already has my oldest sister, Yeti, she marries.

They only had one.

Yeah. Bernie just had one with another guy. She meets my dad, they get together. My step or stepmom gets pregnant.

Sorry, wait, she came. She already had Yeti before she met your dad?

Yes. I'm not sure Yeti how old Yeti was, but, yeah, came in with yeti. They get pregn with my next oldest sister, Mandy, and they find out, I think, like, April 1st or something. And then I think it's April 2nd. My dad gets into a accident that gets his arm torn off.

Yeah. What.

Which is wild.

And I've seen. So what happened?

So it's one of those things, like, we've just only ever known him with his little arm, as we call it. We love Scary Movie, too. So, like, the little. That's his little arm we always talk about. But we've only ever known him with that. But. And it wasn't until I actually did a video project in college that I, like, learned the severity of it. But he was working as a grab. He was laying like, gravel rock, and it was one of those, like, gravel pit elevators. It stopped working. And so he puts his hand in to fix it, but he's got a glove and a watch on, and it kicks back on, and it grabs his glove, and it just sucks him in. Oh, and he's telling me. I didn't hear this until I did the video in college about him, but he told me that, like, any other day, the guy running up front would never hear it. And I didn't know this whole time, but he has a scar on the back of his neck right here because it almost decapitated him.

Well, like, put him in like this.

It kept pulling him in, and somehow that that guy had heard something going on, and he stopped it in time. And There was, like, some things lined up really weird to where, like, there was a farmer down the road that had some type of equipment that could get him lifted to where he was airlifted and stuff. But we had the newspaper article for a while, and the officer, whoever arrived on scene that was writing about it said when they got there, his arm was hanging by a quarter inch of skin.

Ew.

A quarter inch of skin?

No.

Yep. And it started off with them being like. And he. He was doing that. And he always has been mechanic stuff. So I don't know if that was like a side job, but always been working on cars. But it started with, like, they don't think they're gonna attach it. They end up attaching, and they're like, it's attached, but it's very touch and go. We don't know if it's actually gonna last. It ends up lasting. It actually ends up lasting so good that, like I said, he was a mechanic for 35 years until. How much.

How much function does he have in it? Does he have his hands?

He can do all that. The only thing is, it's his left arm, so he can. He can only go about. So, like, when we go golf and his swing is a little different, I always laughed because, like, as a kid, when he'd make me sandwiches, he would just, like, smack the bologna up here because he just couldn't hold things this way. So it's just like smack and deli meat on the back of your hand. But, yeah, I mean, you really want to know? I mean, I think my best friend Jesse was like. We were probably in fourth grade before she had salt and was like, what the hell happened to your dad's arm? And he, of course, is like, man, there was a pack of wolves one night. Like, anytime someone asks him, he has something different to say. But, yeah, that was. He made the comment, you know, like, he remembers just thinking like, oh, I'm never gonna meet my daughter. I'm never gonna eat my kid. And now he's got three daughters and a ton of grandkids, so he is lucky. Yeah, it's wild.

I mean, that's a brutal death, too. Jesus Christ.

It really makes you think, like, if that just that. That butterfly effective. Like, that one thing changes. And there's this whole line of people that never come along. I mean, from. I think he's up to, like, 14 grandkids now or something, so. So, yeah, he was able to use it fine. Like, it never. Never really seemed to, like, hold him back any. He was a mechanic Like I said, until that stopped. And once that stopped, he switched over to Hormel. So he's like a certified forklift driver for Hormel Meats? Yeah. Oh, hell, yeah. Pro meat squeezer supports us with it.

So what is it?

Pro meat squeezer. That's what he says himself. Yeah, that's his favorite thing. He love. Yeah. He's like, I love squeezing me with.

His weird little hand.

His little hand with his little arm. But, yeah.

So then they split.

So they have my sister Mandy.

Kids.

They have my sister Sherry. You've met Yeti and Cher. You haven't met Mandy. They end up splitting. My dad gets with my mom, and my mom already has my other older brother or my older brother got it from a previous marriage. She was married, divorced by.

Do you know their previous partner? Do you know your mom's previous? Or is your brother? So do you know your brother's father?

I do know my brother's father. And I won't go, like, too much into his story just because that's his. But, like, he had his biological dad, but, like, my dad is his dad. My dad has always been his dad. And I don't really know what his relationship with his dad is outside of that. I just know that it was always my dad. So, yeah, so they get together. They have me. They get divorced when I'm in kindergarten. And I don't remember much of it. Like, I honestly had a really good childhood. I will say one thing I always tell my mom. Like, one of my earliest memories is it's kind of like split in two where it's like, there's one where I'm at the daycare that I'd go to, and one where I'm at the. I'm in, like, in a waiting room, and I'm looking at, like, a magazine of a family, and they're all happy. And in my mind, I'm like, why the fuck are they never showing the families that are fighting all the time? Like, in my mind, I was like, where are the commercials with, like, mom and dad screaming in the basement? Like, where's our family representation? So I have that. But, like, other than that, like, everything was good. They actually co parented really well once they got divorced. Mom don't get divorced. Mom marries my stepdad. Now, Eric, he had a son from a previous marriage.

They all came in with one. Okay.

They all come in with one. And then they had my youngest sister, and that's the end of the line.

So how many biological siblings do you have then? Three more they each had one.

Four.

Four more.

I have four every. I have four halves. And then Yeti and my younger brother Bradley are the only one that are step. Yeah, got it. Yep.

Okay. And you're close with everybody, though, though?

Yeah, I'm. I am, actually. I'm really close with everyone in just different ways. I actually, I'd say Sherry and I are probably closest, which is interesting because it's a 12 year age gap, but I don't know, we just kind of understood each other, so.

But yeah, you're the second youngest then, or third sister and a younger.

Yeah, I'd be third.

Okay.

Yeah. So I'm like the baby on dad's side, but second oldest on mom's side. All right.

And going back and forth. What was. That was fine with you? Were you good with that? Were they close by or.

Yeah. So dad still lives in the house that, like, they built when I was born and mom lives in town. They're all in Melcher, so that was really easy. It was kind of interesting because it's like at dad's house, I was a single kid. Like, I was the only child. And then over here it was brothers and sisters occasionally. So always sister, but brothers coming.

Did you like that better or you like the balance?

I liked them both. I think one thing I struggled with sometimes was just feeling like there are times where it was like, Mom's Day, Dad's Day, and there are times where I was like, what about my day? Because I just got sick of going back and forth at times. But they were also very good at.

Like, I think about this for Stella a lot. Like, there's just me and Princess at my place, but then sometimes her brother and his girlfriend are over at Mom's.

My dad was always so great, though. Like, I remember he always would call it Sunday fun day, and we would go do something, whether it was like fishing or riding our dirt bikes or just something like that. And they were also really good too, about, you know, like, if. If mom's got something going on this weekend she wants to do, like, it doesn't matter days or days. They're really great about that and stuff. So, yeah, even then being. I always say, like, them being divorced was like a blessing because I feel like it made them closer. And like, my grandma now even says, like, she. I always told your mom, like, she divorced your dad, but I didn't. Like, he was always still part of the family and stuff. So, like, just really good. Good upbringing.

That's good. Okay.

Yeah.

And then how were you when how long before Eric comes into your life? Your kindergarten, when they split, when does he show up?

I would say Eric comes in around like third or fourth grade is what I remember.

And then what was that like? Was he a good stepdad? Was he a step dad? Or was he more mom's husband? You know what I'm saying? Was he active in your life?

Very active in our lives for sure. Eric's. Eric's a great guy, I will say. And I think we all agree, like when he first started coming around, he was like out of the marines. Very. Just kind of hard headed and had a certain way of things. And there was definitely just kind of a. Him and my mom just kind of, I think like worked together and he kind of softened up a bit and kind of understood himself. So I always enjoyed him. I don't really have any bad memories. You know, there may be times that like I'd get mad with my mom and he'd step in, I'd be like, you're not my dad. Don't bring, you know, don't get into this. But then in hindsight it's like he really was like a great stepdad to me. Like cares and loves all those kids so dearly. Like the times that we did butt heads, I'm able to look back and be like, oh, he was protecting me and stuff. So it's like really great guy.

He's a big bastard too.

Yeah, big. Seems like he'd be big and intimidating, but you start talking to him and he's really just like a soft dude. Yeah.

Do. Did your dad and him get along? Was there a resistance at first when that happened?

I don't think there was. No, not for my. That's the other thing too is they were pretty good about keeping me out of anything that like, I shouldn't have known I was. They were pretty good about like, you know, the adult stuff is going to stay here. You don't need to worry about this. So I don't remember there being any issues. Like they're just like you described. Like they're at the ball game, sitting next to each other. They'll high five.

You know, we don't necessarily sit next.

Yeah. You know, maybe in the same one year for a common cause. Small, small fields, you got to be a little close.

I guess so. Yeah.

So no but good.

What was it like when your dad went back to his first wife?

Yeah.

What was that like in the family? Was mom like mad? Well, she.

I don't think mom likes it too.

Much, so it didn't matter. I guess she didn't really have a say after that.

It's, yeah, I mean, like, it was divorced.

Is there a little something going on the entire time?

No, I don't think so. It's like, I think mom and my dad. My mom and dad, I think, split pretty like they did their own thing. And I think that was separate. And then I'm not actually really sure how my dad and Bernie got back together. I just remember she kind of started coming around, around like second grade, I want to say. So it was a couple years that she mean, maybe he was seeing her. I just didn't know, you know, and I wasn't there. But when she came around, it was fine. Like, I, I, I didn't know Bernie before that. I don't remember ever knowing her as like, oh, this is my sister's mother. So it was great. I mean, I still ask my two sisters, though. It's like, hey, what's it like to have your parents back together? It must be nice that some of you know. But I think it's probably weirder for them. It's kind of interesting that they have like an arc of them being together, divorced, and now late in life, they're back together and stuff.

So that's pretty awesome.

Yeah.

All right, so tell me about. Was this in order up here?

Yeah.

So tell me about almost found out of college. Why?

Yeah, so I, I just think that's probably where my, like, low lights start. I was a really good student in high school. It was easy for me, if anything. Except for fourth grade, that was a different. I was not good in fourth grade outside of that, though, like 4.0. Never had an issue with stuff. If anything, it was like they bumped me up in some classes because I was just getting a little rowdy if I got bored because I was kind of excelling and stuff. And that's not me bragging. It's just small school, not a lot of resources type thing. So killed it in high school, get to college, and am just totally lost.

And why is it? Because you can set your own schedule and you're so used to, you know, routine for all those years, and now you could go on Tuesday at this time and a Thursday at night and shit like that.

Definitely. Partially that my. So senior year, right before I leave for college, like, mom and I get in a huge fight because she founds out I've been smoking weed. Not good. Like, tears us apart for a bit, like, was not great. Yeah. I mean, we didn't talk, we didn't talk, I think for, like, two or three weeks. When I went up to college, which was really hard, we had this weird thing happened where I feel like my dead grandpa intervened, and, like, we called each other on the both day, had this. I won't go too far into it, but we had this thing with $2 bills. We hadn't been talking. We both get a $2 bill the same day, which was like a sign from our grandpa. We call each other makeup so that it was better, but I was just really lost. And, like, not to cut too far ahead, but I'll eventually get to it. I find out that, like, I get diagnosed with adhd, and looking back on it now, I think a lot of it was like, I was just. I was kind of dopamine sinking. I was lost, and I was just trying to. It was this weird mix of going from, like, high school was so easy, and I felt so smart. And now it's like, were you lied to the whole time? Because, like, you're kind of a idiot here. You're not doing good. You're failing out.

Big fish in a little pond. To little fish in a big pond.

Yeah. And it really messed with me mentally. And it would get to the point where, like, I would. I would miss a couple classes, and then you get down, and then I would just. I almost fell down and. Well, first semester, I got an academic probation. I come back second semester, do good. I get in a series of very sketchy relationships that then make the second year even worse. And that's when I almost got tossed out. So, yeah, I. I'm trying to think. I mean, most of it, I think, was just. Yeah, I was lost. I. I felt like I was so smart and had under wraps. And then things just started to fall apart around me, and I was, like, feeling like I was letting my family down, letting myself down. There were times where I was just like. I think it was Andrew Santino that was in here one time. And it's like, to be really honest, like, never a feeling of wanting to. To off myself. But there are times where I was just, like, wanting that social suicide of just like, I wish I could just get away from this and start free, because it all just felt so heavy. And then eventually, I go through a really bad relationship. I end up getting diagnosed with, like, PTSD and ADHD. My mom gets diagnosed with ADHD at 40, and I start realizing that there's a lot of symptom symptoms that she has that I'm feeling in myself, that I'm starting to Wonder if that's the case. So I end up going. And then I realized a lot of this anxiety I had in college was a lot of mismanaged ADHD stuff where it's like my brain was just not functioning how it was supposed to. I wasn't able to keep on top of things. It just felt like nothing was ever in order and nothing was ever, like, there.

Maybe, like, just the fact that that curriculum and everything changed. It popped off your adhd.

I think that was part of it. Yeah. I think it's just because I didn't have someone monitoring. It wasn't like, you know, when I was in school and, like, I got bored or I finished something, like, the teachers knew me, I could go and talk to them or, like, find a way there. This. I was just kind of left to my own devices. And my own devices very quickly turned into, like, just smoking weed. I got into acid for a while because what. My boyfriend at the time dosed me.

In a movie theater without you knowing?

Had no idea. And it.

Was that your first time ever doing acid? That's how you. Man. What movie?

Dr. Strange. You ever seen that? No. Yeah. I mean, watch it. You don't need acid for it. It's already insane. But, yeah, so I got into that, and, like, it was weird, but I was just in this weird place where that was also the only person I felt like that understood me at the time. So, like, I just went down, like, a path of, like, man, I would do, like, I would do acid and stay up for a day, and then I'd go to, like, my public speaking class and just give a speech and walk out. And I don't know how I did that, because those I did good in. And there's a while where, like, I was like, maybe this is working. Maybe I just need to be, like, on psychedelics the whole time, which I didn't. Was not good. Got out of that stuff.

Acid's not the one.

No.

You're gonna be on one.

No love shrooms now. But, yeah, I haven't done that since. So all that goes down, I get into that relationship ended, I get into another one, which is worse. And that's the one that really just kind of like, beat me down and got me into where I finally get diagnosed with the PTSD and the ADHD stuff. And it kind of just helps me get into where I can get into therapy. I start sorting through, like, these two years of stuff haven't even understood to even begin processing. So, like, start understanding all these things about Junior Year things turn around, I start getting help, I start, I get out of a bad living situation. I actually met. You've met my friend Nicole. So funny story. Nicole's mom, you've met Sharice too. You love her cuz she's the one smoking. Paul, malls outside, cussing with us. Cherise and my mom were best friends in high school.

Okay.

So where my grandma lives now, across the street was where she grew up. And Nicole lived there for a while. So we went to the same daycare. I'm at college one day I'm walking down our hill and I run into Nicole and I'm like, holy shit, I forgot that you went to school up here. And I hadn't seen her since probably like third grade.

And you recognize her, huh?

Yeah, I recognized her immediately. And I was trying to move and she's like, we have a spot open at our house. It's me and my two cousins if you want to come move in. And that is like, that is like very much like the point. I can, I can like point to and be like, this was the pivotal moment that things really turned. Absolutely saved me. Got with like people who were on the, you know, like they were all very like serious about school. Kind of helped me get serious. Definitely changed my life a lot. So that's where things kind of got better. And then I kind of fell back in with Devin after that. And so Devin, we were long distance that whole time. But.

Well, let's go back to the relation. How did you get out of that abusive relationship?

It came to a head, kind of gnarly. He had moved, he was in the dorms at the time. He had moved in with us like a couple weeks just because we needed help with rent and stuff. I had a best friend at the time who was also living with me. She had moved up from our hometown. She wasn't in school, but was like, yeah, I'll take a shot and see what's up in this bigger town to go. She's gone down. There's a lot of like stuff that happened before this, just like abuse and stuff. But it came to a head one night because she had went down to Florida for like some Chuck thing with, with one of her friends that I wasn't friends with. But he knew I was home alone. He had moved out at that point and he started banging on the door and I had to call the cops. Like I thought that might be the night that like things would get really. Yeah.

So he targeted you then?

I was afraid. I knew he was out there Banging on the door. And he was telling me he was gonna come in. He was telling me he was gonna get me. He's gonna kill me.

But they arrest him.

He was never gonna kill you. He said that my friend knew at the time because I had sent her a text. I was worried he was sending me weird stuff. She had actually called the cops as soon as I sent that. So she had called the cops. And, like, I had called them right after there. And as since he. I had mentioned I'd called the cops, he took off. And they were never able to do anything of it because there was no, like, actual evidence of him being. You know, I don't have, like, a doorbell cam at It's. He said, see, she said type of thing. And to them it's just, you know, you guys broke up your high, your college students, like, whatever type of thing. So. But it was good. I got out of it. I got into the new house with them and, like, cut ties. I think he moved to another city, and I just never.

Never heard from him.

Never checked in anything since.

He hadn't stalked you on social media or anything?

Nope, nope. Not that I know of. I mean, very much. Just separate ties right there. So.

Okay.

Yeah. And it was actually that came to an end. And what's. Where it gets a little crazy here and like, a little interesting with Devin is I actually met Devon, my first.

Like, Devin's your husband?

Devin's my husband, yes. We've been married almost five years now. I met him actually, like, my third week of college. When I first up, my first year, I was under a fake name on Tinder. I just wanted to find house parties because that's where I was. He had messaged me.

You were doing house parties?

Yeah, I was just swiping right on, everyone just looking for house parties. So he.

What? How would. They would have it on there?

No, I just put it on my bio. I just had a fake name. It was like, just looking for house party. So I'd swipe right, and some people would eventually be like, hey, there's a party here tonight. So that's how I'd get it. Well, he had messaged, like, three times, and by the third time, he was like, hey, this is the last message. I'll try, and if not, I'll get the point of it. We hung out for like a week, but we had both.

What did he think your name was?

My name was Alexis on there. Yeah. Yeah, it's really fun. Yeah, he's. It's. He cracks me up because he told.

Me you both use real pictures and everything.

Yeah, it was my real photos and everything. I just had a different name and he was full real name and stuff. I had just gotten up to college and out of like my high school boyfriend and he was out of relationship so we talked for like a week. Nothing really came out of it, you know, amicable, amicable. Like we're gonna go our own ways. I get with the first guy who doses me. Devin messages me at one point in there and is like, hey, I actually I just wanted to let you know I feel kind of bad, like I didn't give you the time like I think you should have deserved. I'm about to go into the Marines. If you ever wanted to hang out again, I just thought I'd reach out and like shoot my shot. And I was like, hey, that's really cool of you, but I'm actually with someone. Sorry. What now?

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[Unknown]

So then that happens. I break up with that guy. And then there's a section where I end up reaching out back to Devin. And Devin and I are talking. He's in. He's in boot camp down in, like, Florida at the time. And it's just Snapchat. It's nothing too crazy, but it's like, every day talking, and then out of nowhere, he just stops messaging me. Just stops messaging me. And so I'm like, all right, whatever. And that's around the same time I'm hanging out with this other new guy. I'll just say his name's Jay. I'm hanging out with Jay. But Jay is just part of our friend group, so it's not, like, a romantic interest. But the moment that Devin stops messaging me, I'm like, well, I guess I'll pursue this guy. So that goes on for eight months. It ends in, like, May. I'm doing something in, like, June. I'm going through Facebook or something, and I go in there, and I realize that Devin's blocked or, no, it was in Snapchat. First. I think I had went to go block someone else on my Snapchat that had been friends with Jay. And I was like, because I'm not letting contact there. And I go in, and I realize he's blocked on my Snapchat. And I never did that. And I was confused. I thought I was blocked. I go into Facebook then and realized he's blocked there as well. And it turns out, like, after finally talking to Devin, Once we reconnect a couple months after that, Devin thought I blocked him, because I did block him, but I block Devin. Jay had gotten. My phone, had gone in. Did not. Like, I was talking to this guy because he wanted to be with me. Block.

He did the box.

Yes. And I didn't realize. I mean, I just assumed Devin, like, it was just gone one day. So I was like, oh, he blocked me. I didn't think to check it at that point. And again, I was partying and stuff, so I didn't think about it. But it was like, after I got out of that relationship, like a month later, I find this stuff, and I'm like, that's. That's kind of crazy.

You get through to him to let you know.

I un. I just unblocked him at first, and I didn't send anything because I was just like. I don't even know how to explain this. Like, I was. I think at that point, too, I was still just. So this was before, like, I even got therapy. I was just very, like, messed up. And, like, I eventually get into, like, bouts of insomnia where, like, I'm just not sleeping. And, like, I've been hospitalized a couple times for it. But I think after I had blocked him, and then I think after about, like, another month, it was in July sometime. I sent him a friend request, and he accepted it. He messaged me a little bit afterwards. And I found out later, too, that when I sent him the friend request, he's about to go and meet the girlfriend he's with at the time, her son. Because this girl was like, nuh. Devin was telling me, like, this girl was down there and she's acting. She kept pressuring Devin into wanting to get married. Like, she kept pressuring him for a ring. And he was like, we've been together for a couple months. And she's like, well, come meet my son. And Devin's like, I'm pretty sure she just wanted benefits. So he's like, he didn't know. He's like, I didn't know what to do. So he said he went into a bathroom and flipped a coin, and it said no. So he texted her and said, I actually don't think I want to meet your kid, and we should probably break up. And so a little while afterwards, he got mine. We reconnect, and then we've been taught we've were together for. From, like, the end or the very beginning of 2000 or 2018, long distance. Until we got married during the pandemic and then lived out here.

Great.

Yeah. So just. Yeah. Wild tangent, but the way Dev and I got together is kind of weird and like interspliced. So.

Yeah. So there was initial and then a split and everything else.

Yeah. And I. But I almost. I. Him and I have said to each other before, it's almost. I don't love the stuff that I went through, but I also don't think I'd go back and change any of it because it almost feels like I don't think I should have had to been beat to learn some things. But at the same time, it really did. Going through those relationships taught me so much about, like, what I will and will not accept from someone in the future, like, what I deserve. I just learned a lot about myself and I think that maybe if I didn't know that before I had met Devin when I did this final time, like, I don't know if we would have been synced to the point like where we are now.

Well, it's what you said. Going back to your dad, almost losing his arm, if that happens, all these people don't even know exist. And if you don't do exactly what you did in this situation, you may not even have Devin. You know what I mean?

We talk about it a lot because I feel like that second time, it wasn't super. It was really just casual talking. Like, it wasn't super romantic or anything. And it's like. Yeah, I think if we tried. If we would have tried to pull the trigger and like, make something work right, then I don't know if it would have. I think, you know, I think it might have been like the perpendicular pass where we're here for one second and then we just split forever. But now I think instead we're like on the parallel where we're just. We're together and we're good. He's. He's definitely my person. He's a really great guy.

Yeah, he's a good dude.

Yes.

I don't want to make you talk about it if you don't want to, but you said I don't have to get. I didn't. Didn't. I shouldn't have had to get beat. So who's this guy? Is this the guy that's beating on the house and trying to kill you?

Yeah.

So he was already physically abusive.

Yeah.

So you believed him for sure when he said, I'm coming in there to you up.

Yeah. And it's weird because it's weird how it. It slips to that point because it's not you Know, it's never. I mean, I'm not. I shouldn't say never. My experience wasn't just like, boom, I'm hit one day and it's like, where the did this come from? It happens so gradually and stuff. Like, just controlling things.

Example. Like what?

I was never allowed to shower alone. I could not be in a shower alone. In the bathroom, but, yeah.

At your own house?

At my own house.

I've. Listen, I've heard some ladies have. Tell me crazy. I've never heard that. Why?

I don't know.

What would you.

Pot.

What, is he afraid you're going to masturbate in there?

Yeah, there are times like that. There were times, like, yeah, he would tell me, like. Like, if you are a woman, you touch yourself. Like, you're disgusting. That's weird. Stuff like that. That wasn't too heavy. But then it became like, yeah, like, I wasn't allowed to, like, be in the bathroom alone. So there were times where I was like, is are you worried that I'm, like, texting? Like, you can have my phone. There are times where it's like, I never hid anything in my phone. Like, obviously I didn't. You got in there beforehand before we're even dating. So things like that. Like, I wasn't allowed to do that. He would have to be in there. And, like, if he wasn't in the shower, he had to sit there on the toilet and just watch me and make sure. Like, watch my every move.

Supervised showers?

Basically. Yeah.

To make sure you're not touching yourself sensually.

And it's not just that, but it's like there were parts of that. And then I think it just became a control. I think it's literally just a thing of control. I don't think you just have to.

Tell this, I'm gonna shower today. And he'd have to. You'd have to wait until he was around if you were. If he wasn't.

Yeah.

And if you took one, he'd physically beat you.

I just wouldn't. I wouldn't take one. I feel like there's one time he didn't beat me at the time that I did it. But it's just like the verbal abuse at that point. Because it's like, it starts with that and then it gets to the verbal and it starts to escalate. But, yeah, that was a big one. There was like. It's like my friend at the time, who was my best friend at the time, like, if her and I wanted to walk down the street to go to Pontias could not do that. Like, could not be alone without him because of just whatever reason. I. It just came down to control things, like him not having a job. So I'm working extra, and then he's taking and stealing cash out of my wallet. And then when it's missing. Yeah, and then when it's missing, like, I'm getting a fight with my roommate. He's pitting me against her. Just. It started getting really, like, isolated and stuff. And then. Yeah, it started getting to where it was, like, physical stuff. And it's not always, like, it's not. It doesn't start with, like, a fist punch. It's first. It's. No, it's like a shove against the wall. And it's like, I'm joking. We're roughhousing. Like, you need to quit being dramatic. And then it's like a grab by the hair to the ground. And it's like, this is getting weird. But then it gets to a point that you're just scared, and you're like. You hit survival mode. I mean, there was time. I remember there was one time where I worked at Papa John's and I worked with my manager at the time was an older guy, super nice. I mean, I. It's just so ridiculous. He messaged me. I had went to, like, an extracurricular thing for school to get extra credit. My boss had messaged me if I could come in to help him with pizzas because it was a busy night. I couldn't. I messaged him afterwards, like, hey, sorry, can't. I was at this. He goes, no problem. We got it handled with a winky face. Not with an emoji, just with, like, you know, semicolon parenthesis. Because he's an old dude. I got in trouble for that. Because he's like, are you your boss now? What are you not telling me about me? And I'm like, this guy is 55. I'm in college. Like, he has a wife and kids. I work with one of his kids. No, I'm not him. Like, things like that. Things like if I would not sit on the couch and watch him play Fortnite. I'm not even joking. I have fortnite trauma.

Because there's a time and he's playing fortnite.

There's. I just remember there's one. Like, the one that I always remember is him. Just like, he's getting mad or something about it. And he was like, oh, yeah, but you can't support me. Like, you don't even watch me play or Something. It was something stupid like that you won't support me by watching me play. And I make. I made a comment, something along the lines, I'm like, well, maybe if you could hit people, I'd actually want to watch. And I feel like before I could even want to watch, could come out, I just.

I'll bet.

Controller to the head. And it's like, whoa, Jesus. Now your aim's good. Yeah, just right to the dome. You can't. You can't hit anyone else, but God damn, you got me right in the eye. Yeah. So things like that, just wild stuff. I mean, I think, like, the physical stuff is almost. Was almost easier for me to, like, understand and sort through in therapy afterwards, because it's like, I can understand that more like he's messed up in the head and he's just getting violent and whatever, because he can't process stuff. Whatever. The controlling stuff, the emotional abuse. Like, that is the stuff that took forever to, like, I'll bet, sort through and figure out what did I feel.

Like to take a shower the first time after? I bet you felt weird.

Weird.

It was weird. It was weird. And it was almost like.

I'm saying it's probably not like, freedom. It's probably.

No, it was like, definitely anxiety because it's just like, this feels weird. Like, it felt like something I was never allowed to do. Like, if. And if I tried to. Was like, trying to sneak it. So it's like you're doing something and like, just this is when the PTSD diagnosis comes in later on, because it's like, there's just things that are happening that I'm like, I don't know. Like, I don't know what's going on. I mean, anything that would happen outside, like, I'm not sleeping at night. Like. Like the wind blows outside and I'm at my door, like, looking like, what's happening? I'm have, Like, I'm not even. I'm having dreams that are about him. If I see a car that looks.

Like, show up around this.

No, the thing is, is, like, I told them a lot of this stuff afterwards, and so they're really mad. But it was kind of cut at that point. It got to the. I think it just hit the point where I was like, I needed to just end it and cut, and I didn't want anything else than that. So it's like, when that night went down, it was like, that was it. I don't know where he's at. I don't know where he went after.

Never tried to look him up.

I don't know. I don't care. Yeah, I don't care too. At all. Because when they found out. Yeah. Eric was. I mean, all of them. Devin, when he would hear stories, still, it's just like. I don't. It's just crazy, you know, to understand that, but not be able to do something about it type of thing. Which I can understand, even though it's not his burden. But. Yeah. So I. I mean, it was wild. And that's one of those things. Like, I still. I don't shower with anyone still. Like, Dev and I do not shower together. I'm comfortable. If he walks into the bathroom and I'm showering. It's totally fine. It's never been an issue. He's always been so great at understanding where I'm coming from and, like, just meeting me where I need.

I gotta ask you this. I mean, shower curtains, not what he make you open the shower curtain or were you allowed to. You know what I'm saying? Physically put eyes on you in the shower?

Wasn't. Well, yes, but we had, like, just a glass.

Right. Door.

Yeah.

He makes.

Every now and then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, there are times where, like, maybe if he was on his phone, like, there are times where he wouldn't. He just had to be in there still. Like, if he's not just watching me, like, maybe he's on his phone so he doesn't matter. Yeah. And. But then there were times where it was. It's just like watching me and it's like, I don't know, just weird vibes but you get. At a certain point, you're just like, okay, I guess this is what. These are his boundaries, and I'm gonna respect them. Because that's what you think it is.

He might kill me.

Yeah. And even before that, you're just learning relationships and trying, you know, I. Trying to be like, okay, if this is a boundary he's setting up, I can meet him halfway. But then eventually those boundaries start to go one way too far and it's just like boiling the frog before. And then eventually you're just, like, out of it and you're looking back like, what the. Did I let myself do for eight months kind of thing. Yeah. Really did. Yeah. It really messed me up a bit. But I think that through the therapy that I had at college, it helped me a lot. And that went really well until about. I don't really have any other issues. Like, I think my junior and senior year go good. Well, senior year Pandemic hits. So Dev and I had gotten married in May of 2020. I'm supposed to go back and start my last year, fifth year senior in August. School's still to the point where like you don't have to be online. So I come back out here. I finished my degree online out here. But About August of August 6th, I think of that year I start having these symptoms again where I'm not sleeping and I'm having insomnia to the point. And this happened, like I said before or I mentioned briefly, this has happened before. I've been hospitalized twice before this story for insomnia stuff. So like I would go, are you on a run of over 72 hours? What, straight? Yeah.

And not because you're on meth or anything else?

No, nothing at all. And here and nothing at all. Like I. But in fact we hear people talking about trying Trazodone and stuff. Like I went through the gambit of just trying to find stuff to just try and like put me down at times because it was so bad. Like just on constant high alert, constant stuck on like flight or fright. And then once you get past like that 48 hour mark for me, you start, you start hallucinating and things start getting weird. You're just making mistakes. You don't realize it's really scary. So that happened two times before, but they were hospitalizations that were like voluntary and more so like, like I'm going like over 72 hours, I don't know what to do. Like I need something at this point, guys. And then just basically doing like a, here's a shot, a sedative and then I'm out the next, you know, not like actually inpatient type thing. This happens in October though. I'm out here on the military base, I'm on Camp Pendleton. I've probably been out here. So now two months or so and school is kind of picking up, it's getting stressful and I'm starting to not sleep again and I hit like, I hit like day three of not sleeping and I'm texting Devin about stuff and I make a comment to him that I'm like, I think I. I think we should go to the hospital tonight because something's not right. I don't know what it is, but I'm afraid I'm going to hurt myself without meaning to. And he called me right away and was like, what do you mean? Because I think he thought I meant like I was gonna self harm. And I was like, no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying that, like. Like, I think I've been up too long. I'm not. I'm not in the right state of mind. I'm afraid that, like, I'm gonna make an accident and, like, just hurt myself. And he's like, okay, we'll go to the. We'll go to the military hospital. It's just down the street from our house. But it's Covid. So they take me in. I'm like, I'm not in the right state of mind at all. They take me, and they're like, first thing they say is, we're gonna check your thyroid. Because I have a thyroid issue. And normally when things go wrong or I have health issues, it's like, let's check that first. Because that's, like, the base of all things normally. So I think I'm going in there just to get my blood drawn. I go in there. They're like, change to this gown. You're going to do a P test as well. So I'm like, okay, that's fine. Get the gown on. And they tell me that Devin's going to be able to come back with me. Because I'm like, I don't want to go if Devin's not with me. Everyone there is like, I know it's military, and I'm not really into the military. Like, I've just been living as a dependent this whole time, so I'm expecting him to be there with me. And I don't have my cell phone, and I'm back there, and I'm asking for Devin. They're like, he's not here now, but you can have a phone to call him. And I start getting upset at this point, and some of this is, like, kind of blotchy to me. Devin's had to retell me it because I start to get really upset that he's not there. I start screaming at them to give me my clothes back because I'm like, okay, you guys got my piss and my blood. So, like, where are my clothes? They're like, you need to wait here. You need to wait here. And I'm like, I'm not doing that. Like, I'm an adult. I gave you what I want. You need to let me go. And they're like, that's actually not the case. And I said, all right, fine. And I took off running.

Did you?

In my gown, Devin, this is. No, this is the part I don't remember that Devin tells me. Devin said he's waiting in the Waiting room.

He's there.

Yeah. Said he's waiting in the waiting room. And all of a sudden he goes, stop her. And he said he sees me run out and my tits are hanging out of the gown. He's like, you charged the armed guard with your tits out. I'm not even joking. I'm not even joking. And the thing is. And here's what's also funny.

You definitely get locked up now.

Oh, I am. And here's. Because. And it gets worse.

You charge the arm guard.

Yes. And so then. So then finally it gets a little worse. And, like, it's gonna sound a little. So it's gonna get a little meta here, because I'm gonna, you know, just let my. I'm gonna tell you just how much of a podcast nerd I was at this point, because when I'd go through these insomnia bouts, it's. I'm listening to YMH episodes on repeat. I'm. Which I'm listening to the do. Because if I can't sleep, it's like trying to listen to something else, to like, not have your own thoughts going all this time. So before we had went in, and this is where it gets a little, like, bumpy for me because, like, at this point, they had, like, gave me some type of sedative because I also find out later that, like, they did not know any of my past records. So, like, I am. I'm on a ADHD medication at this point. That in my system. And they're like, oh, she's in a psychosis. Which I understand the overlap, but not quite that, but anywho. So I charge them. They finally get me back in the room. They now have two guards outside the room. And Devin comes in. And I had forgotten at this point, but when we were going in, I'm like. I was telling Devin, he's like, listen, if things get like, whatever. Like, we can have a safe word of whatever if something. Like, if you're getting too worried or something. He's like, just. Let's just say, like, can we go to your mom's house? And I was like, like, okay, gotcha. So charge out there with my titties. They get me back in the room. I'm sitting down. They're all. There's like, three doctors. There's two armed guards out there. Devin's sitting there. They give me a cup of water, and he's sitting there. And I do remember this part because he's like, hey, you're fine. He's like, didn't you Mention that you just want to go to your mom's after this or something. And I'm like, shut the up. Why are you talking about my mom? I don't want to leave this hospital. Like, I'm yelling at him. They give me a cup of water at one point, I take it, and then I just throw it at one of the doctors because I'm just so mad. And this is. I mean, looking back, this is not me at all. Not this type of person, but just so rowdy to the point that, like, I finally just gave in. I realized that, like, I was. It got to the point where they were like, listen, not your choice anymore. You are now officially on a 5150 hold. You're going to be transported by ambulance to the naval hospital down in San Diego. There's nothing you can do about this. And I think I fought them a little bit more, and I finally just got defeated. I slept the whole way to the hospital, and that's when I got. I think this is, like, probably one of the most traumatizing things in my life was getting put in the psych unit at the military ward.

What do they put you in a jacket or. No.

Well, no, at first. When I get there, I'm just in.

You're not cuffed or anything?

No, nope, nope, I'm in it. They put me on the gurney for the ambulance, and I think they had given me, like, an Ativan or something at that time, like, to bring me down. So, like, I did fall asleep on the ride there. Get to the hospital about 48. So we can get to the hospital there. And because it's Covid. Like, normally my case, like, I would be able to have visiting hours. Like, Devin would have been able to come and visit me and have lunch with me or do something like that. I don't get any of that. They send me there. It's, like, overnight. So I'm in a room alone for the first two days. And what I don't find out till hindsight is, like, it's a military psych unit. And I haven't. This is going to seem a little blotched just because some of it is still blotched to me, but it comes apparent to me a few days in that, like, they're expecting me to operate as if I'm also, like, part of a military unit, as if, like, I understand. So, like, they put me in a room alone. They haven't told me that, like, okay, at this time is, like, when we release shower stuff for people. I Had a shower with stuff in there, so I was still showering. Or like, this is when group meetings are like, they're expecting me to take the lead and know this, but I don't know that, and I don't realize it's being held against me. So 5150 is supposed to be, like, 72 hours. I end up there for a whole week.

Damn. When do you find out that week?

Find out what?

That you're supposed to be. That you've misunderstood and it's being used against you. When do you find that out so you can say, hey, I'm not part of this.

I think about three days in. Because the other thing, too, is, like. I think about, like, three days and because the other thing, too, is like, I'm. I just feel lost. I feel like it. It felt like it's like the biggest mind game ever. It felt like I was put in this. I went from being delirious to now I'm in a situation where I feel like I have to play some weird mind game to get, like, the right codes to get out of this place. Because, like, while I did need help, this isn't the help that I needed. And I'm in there with people that are, like, needing some help.

Can you talk to Devin? Do you have communication with him?

So I can call Devin on the phone and bless his heart, it was so rough for him just because I'm. I'm calling him and I'm freaking out and crying and stuff, and he's having to communicate to my mom about it. But he was great, and I am able to talk to him, but I'm not able to see him. And I think that's the part that messed me up the most, because it's like, not only have I only been. I've only been living in California now for, like, two months officially. So not only am I in a hospital, I don't know anywhere. It's not like I'm in Des Moines and can run out. Mom's right there. Yeah, hold on a second. So, yeah, it's not. I think it was just that feeling of being like, oh, God, I'm stranded. And I don't know. And it felt like these military people are just such authoritative figures. It's like, I just got to play the game to get out of here and stuff, and it was a nightmare. I. Eventually I go to the groups and I get out of there, and then they have to do a separating call at the end where you get on a call with all the people that have been observing you the whole time that I didn't realize have been observing me this whole time. And then we got on a call with, with some judge of some sorts and I could have that wrong, but someone higher up who then evaluates cases. So they're like, you're gonna be allowed to speak and say your part, but you have to wait until all these other nurses are done speaking first. So just be calm, wait your turn, then you can speak. And so I did. And all these nurses are reading things off. They're like, she's not complying with taking showers at the right time as everyone else. She's not coming getting her tray at the same time as everyone else. And this is part of that thing where I was like, I didn't know there's a schedule. Like, I'm just being left in a room. She's not, she's. She's looking out the windows, trying to escape and like trying to elope and causing nuisances because I would stand by the fire exit just to try and see like where I was every now and then. Never got near the door. Like, would keep my hands behind my back. So they get through all this stuff and then I finally get my chance to talk and I'm just like, I'll be honest, I don't know why I'm here. Like, I've been here for a week. I've been fine after I got some sleep. Like after I got to those two nights of sleep, I've been fine. No one's telling me what I'm supposed to be doing. I never tried to run away. Like, I'm just trying to figure out what to do because, like, I feel lost and I'm really confused and like none of this has been super helpful. I also forgot to mention they're not linking up with all the stuff I had just went through with my therapist, psychiatrist in at the university. So they're not looking at like all this treatment that we've gone through, all this medication I've tried and gone through and stuff. And so then they cold turkey me on like my ADHD medication. They tell me, you actually, you don't have adhd, you are actually bipolar. And so we're going to put you on mood stabilizers. And so that's happening also halfway through the stay. So that's messing with me. And it messed with me until like, honestly, probably about a year or two ago, like, I was afraid to go to the doctors and like seek help. It wasn't until you're in the hospital that I was like, I need to get help.

When you went. When I was in the hospital. That's nice.

Yeah. Because before that I was just. I didn't feel like I could trust them.

Do you feel better now?

Yeah, actually, I.

So were they wrong?

They were totally wrong.

I mean, so it is adhd, and once you got back on that medicine, you felt sure they.

I understand where they're coming from now, and I can understand that. Like, when I came in, it definitely probably presented as like a manic episode, but it's like I knew my history so well, and I had all of this other history they weren't looking at to be like, this girl just needed sleep. And once I slept, I was fine. Then it was just me being like, like, what the am I doing here with these people?

Had a history of that. Told everybody about at the hospital. They ignored. Yeah, that's what happens a lot of times.

And it's like, it's like. And I'm actually in there with people that need help, and it's like I'm not even trying to take up their re. It's like, I got this one girl who will only call me Snow White the whole time, and I'm getting irritated and it's like, she actually needs help. I just want to go home. So, yeah, I get out of that and it's like they make me see a court ordered psychologist for a while. I have to meet with her because, like. And if you don't, you could be brought back here, which I don't know if I could could. If they could have. But so I meet her and she's telling me, like, until you can prove to me that you have this, like, you don't have this, you're bipolar. You have to take these, this, this and this. And that just really messed with me because you. I mean, you start a new medication and then it's like they're flipping me. And there's certain medications are like, okay, take this, but make sure you wash. Like, make sure you were keeping watch over your entire body for like the next three days. Because if you get a rash, it could be fatal and stuff it just random stuff that really messed me up and, like, made me be like, damn, I already kind of had imposter syndrome when I, like, got diagnosed with ADHD the first time, because it was like, I felt so dumb. And then it made sense and now it's like, I'm dumb again. But it's like, okay, I wasn't. Just because a doctor says something like, you're allowed to get a second opinion. And also my doctor who I. The doctor who I had worked with for years in college before that knew me. We had such a good rapport. We really like had a plan and I eventually got back on that. And so that was really tough. I mean, that was like one of the low lights I was. That was the main thing I was probably gonna write in about at the time before I decided to just come be a do and work for you.

Because how long was that right before you started working with me?

That was in October, so that would have been like six months. I think we started working in like June.

What a turnaround.

It really was. Yeah.

And to go from that to working here and now you're seeing all these other crazy lunatics. You're like. I wasn't so bad.

I was gonna say I. I laugh because. I laugh about your, your Kaiser Permanente joke because that's who I have now. And I will, I will say my experience with Kaiser so far has like every experience I've had. I feel like there's been like a little piece of like healing from like, what I'm still trying to like unprogram myself from that other one because it was just weird. Military stuff's weird, especially when you're not in it like that, you know, Like I moved in at Devin's like the end of his service. It's not like I'm a dependa who's like with other military wives who understand it. It's just like, like I live with Devin. Devin goes to work, I'm in school. And so it was just. Yeah, it was scary. It was wild. I. It's crazy because I really feel like I came out more traumatized than I went in to the psych unit. So I was like, I feel like I needed another psych unit after that one. But like I was so traumatized I couldn't do it, so. But yeah. And then after that, things got turned around and I'm starting. Yeah. Starting getting better. So.

Good for you.

Yeah.

I love you so much.

I love you too. I really appreciate working for you. You're a great boss.

I want to ask you. We got it up. Thank you for saying that. 16 year old me. What's advice you give to 16 year old Kirsten?

I've actually thought about this.

Yeah, that's who you'd be.

Yep. Actually I've thought about this a lot. Just because my sister's close to this age now and everything at that time just felt so. Just felt so like finite. So like everything just felt like this is how it's going to be. And I think I would just tell her, like it's not as serious as you think it is, like it's going to be fine. And like nothing, nothing about, like worrying about tomorrow, like worrying about tomorrow's problems are just going to take away today's piece. So, like, stop, give yourself some grace. It's not as, it's not as heavy as you think it's going to be.

So well said.

Yeah.

Thank you for doing this.

Yeah. Thanks for letting me.

As always, Ryan Sickler on all your social media. RyanCickler.com have a great new year. I hope all your dreams come true. Happy, healthy and wealthy 2025 to y'all. Talk to y'all next week.

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