Podcast Summary: Why 65% of People SUCK at Modern Relationships | The Human Upgrade with Dave Asprey (#1398, Jan 15, 2026)

Overview

In this high-energy episode, Dave Asprey dives deep into attachment theory and the crisis of modern relationships with expert guest Adam Lane Smith, a relationship coach and specialist in attachment, who brings 16 years of experience helping high-achieving businesspeople (and others) build secure bonds. Together, they unpack why 65% of people in the US and Western Europe have insecure attachment, how this sabotages intimacy, community, and even business, and—crucially—what can be done to heal our relational wounds for more energy, resilience, and legacy. The conversation is a practical, sometimes stark look at how societal changes have broken family systems, as well as a hopeful guide to rebuilding authentic human connection.

Key Discussion Points

1. The Importance of Secure Attachment

• Modern Epidemic: 65% of people in the US and Western Europe have insecure attachment ([05:11] A).
• Attachment is not “being broken,” but patterns and beliefs about relationships, shaped by early life and reinforced over time ([05:56] A).
• Secure attachment is described as “the highest form of wealth” and the key to personal and societal resilience ([00:09] A, [57:38] A).

2. How Society Got Here

• Historical shifts, from World War I onward, dissolved traditional community structures. Family support was replaced by fragmented systems, leaving individuals isolated and unattached ([06:23] A).
• “Humans are not broken, but our systems are.” ([06:18] A)
• The rise of tech/digital life and performance-oriented childhoods have left people biochemically and emotionally starving for real connection ([07:22] A, [10:24] A).

3. Biohacking Relationships: Hormones, Nervous System, & Energy

• Fully regulated humans can reach ~80% capacity—50% from self-regulation, 30% from “co-regulation” via healthy relationships ([09:04] A).
• Without secure relationships and bonding hormones (oxytocin, vasopressin), most are stuck at 30% capacity, leading to chronic fatigue and dopamine-binging ([08:54] A).
• “We’re supposed to release bonding hormones”—that’s what gives lasting energy ([07:42] A).

"You have to have the relationship, you have to have the conversations. There's no hack for this."
— Adam Lane Smith ([09:06] A)

4. The Trap of Modern Dating & the Tyranny of Expectations

• Dating apps commoditize people (“ordering off DoorDash”) and overload partners with impossible emotional demands ([10:47] A).
• Partners are expected to provide 50%+ of emotional regulation, when ancient systems were built on a tribe approach—partner should only be ~15% ([11:30] A).
• Solution: Intentionally rebuilding pseudo-family/tribal systems and seeking community as core, not just romantic, relationships ([11:43] A).

“We’re trying to shop for the hormones we cannot get in meaningless, disposable relationships.”
— Adam Lane Smith ([11:10] A)

5. Practical Frameworks for Men & Women

For Women Seeking Secure Attachment ([18:49] – [25:47] A):

• Start with biochemistry: Regulate your nervous system via somatic/physical practices (“cold showers, progressive relaxation, heavy workouts”) ([25:54] A).
• Community first: Build bonds with women/friends for oxytocin—don't rely solely on a romantic partner.
• Purpose: Clarify why you want a man; aim for “executive partnership” over “feelings and services.”
• Recognize beliefs: If you hold, “I’m only worth what I do for others,” healing is needed ([23:01] A).
• Women's groups are vital for processing via conversation, mutual oxytocin release ([28:26] A).

For Men Seeking Secure Attachment ([36:44] – [41:12] A):

• Biggest failure mode: The “lone wolf” trap. Men need “brotherhood”—vasopressin bonds—by solving problems together; not isolation or only seeking a woman to ‘fix’ everything ([37:33] A).
• Men’s groups are key; “solution-focused sharing” is the model for relational growth ([40:07] A).
• Building community for both genders is essential—intentionally seek or create small, trusted groups ([41:23] B).

“Men need other men first... We can't go find it in a woman and fix our whole life with a girlfriend.”
— Adam Lane Smith ([37:32] A)

6. The Four Levels of Safety & Peace in Relationships ([30:26] – [35:46] A)

Men provide women:

1. Physical safety (“tiger will not eat you”)
2. Resource safety (provider role, not just finance)
3. Emotional safety (safe space for emotions, steady presence)
4. Bonding safety (expressed loyalty, unique intimacy)

Women provide men:

1. Calm (regulated nervous system in the home)
2. Gentleness (softness/curiosity in speech)
3. Loyalty (especially in challenges)
4. Executive partnership (loving accountability, challenge, and shared “vision”)

“What if a woman could bring you this? [Four levels of peace] He says, I would give her everything.”
— Adam Lane Smith ([35:37] A)

7. Fixing Insecure Patterns: For All

• Healing attachment is possible (neuroplasticity). “You remap your neural pathways...through better experiences and skills” ([35:57] A).
• Both men and women should process together, do tasks together, seek community, and intentionally “collaborate” to form new, healthy tribes ([43:03] A).

8. Modern Dating Realities & Age

• Spotting secure partners: Look for calm, openness, curiosity, clear goals in conversations, and slow physical escalation ([45:30] A).
• 90-day “no sex” courtship period is recommended to prevent hormonal “drunkenness” and ensure compatibility is assessed with logic ([46:43] A).
• Age-gapped relationships generally less stable—plus/minus five years is ideal ([74:10] A).
• Over 50: Merge legacies with similarly aged, secure partners for greatest fulfillment, and always connect via trusted network/community, not apps ([77:50] A).

9. The Societal Crisis & Call to Action

• Current trends point to population crisis and “social-emotional culling” in cities like NYC and LA—only groups with secure attachment will endure and thrive ([56:12] A).
• Building secure attachment—oxytocin, vasopressin, “tribe”—will be the core wealth of the future ([57:38] A).

“I think a social emotional culling is coming where people are going to prune the family tree.”
— Adam Lane Smith ([57:59] A)

10. Practical Tools & Moving Forward

• Attachment Style Quiz: AdamLaneSmith.com (free, [64:05] A).
• Vulnerability and collaborative connection (not individual therapy or AI “pseudo-friends”) are critical ([62:36] A).
• Red Flags vs. Green Flags: Secure people ask and welcome questions, have a “plan” for relationships, are not hyper-approval-seeking or avoidant ([67:19] A).
• Avoid large, negative women’s groups; build small, healthy in-person networks ([78:36] A).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On healing:
  “There are neural pathways that you formed as an infant and as a child... but these can be changed through skills and experiences. That’s it. You remap your neural pathways.” ([35:57] A)
• On biohacking relationships:
  “We’re supposed to be integrated with other humans more. We’re supposed to be talking more, connected more. But more than that, we’re supposed to be releasing bonding hormones.” ([07:42] A)
• On tech and dopamine:
  “They might dopamine binge with those little nightmare rectangles we all carry in our pocket to try to feel a little better…” ([07:42] A)
• On gender roles:
  “Men are shifting not to a feminine role, but a very effeminate role...downgraded to the level of children that most women are seeing.” ([00:09] A)
• On finding partners:
  “Women at that age don’t date on websites, don’t date on the apps... date through your community and network.” ([77:50] A)
• On the urgency of change:
  “The world needs you more at 50 and 60 than they needed you at 20.” ([75:10] A)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [05:11] – The data: 65% with insecure attachment
• [06:23] – Historical causes of relational breakdown
• [09:04] – Biohacking energy through secure attachment
• [10:24] – Biochemical starvation and modern dating
• [11:43] – The solution: build family/community systems
• [18:49] – Secure attachment for women: steps and pitfalls
• [25:54] – Nervous system regulation: practical techniques
• [30:26] – Four levels of safety (men for women)
• [32:32] – Four levels of peace (women for men)
• [36:44] – How men heal insecure attachment
• [41:23] – Building men’s/women’s groups & communities
• [45:30] – Spotting secure vs. insecure partners
• [46:43] – 90-day rule for intimacy: why wait
• [51:49] – Vasopressin and long-term bonding (shared tasks)
• [56:12] – What the future holds: culling, crisis
• [57:38] – Secure attachment as the “highest wealth”
• [62:36] – Dangers of substituting AI for human bonds
• [64:05] – Free attachment style test (AdamLaneSmith.com)
• [74:10] – Dating at 50+: why community and networks matter most

Conclusion

This episode offers a data-backed, actionable, and deeply human roadmap to fixing the modern relationship crisis. The prescription? Prioritize nervous system regulation, build intentional “tribal” connections, invest in community before seeking intimacy, and treat relationships like a co-founded enterprise—with secure partners providing structured safety and peace to each other.

If you’re one of the 65% with insecure attachment, take heart: it can be changed—and the future belongs to those who do the work.

Attachment style quiz and more at: AdamLaneSmith.com
Discount code for courses: DaveAsprey10 ([64:37] B)

(This summary skips ads, intro, and closing disclaimer.)