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Chapter 3 - The Idiot | Wave AI Podcast Notes

Chapter 3

Thu Mar 26 2026

M. attends Allen’s trial in San Francisco. The FBI’s star witness, an agent who went by “David," plays his undercover recordings of Allen. They reveal how Allen’s scheme to deport Priscilla turned into a murder-for-hire plot. Allen is his own star witness, but his attempts to defend himself fall flat in court. M. begins to wonder why they loved seeing Allen humiliated on the stand.

Summary

The Idiot – Chapter 3 (March 26, 2026)

Podcast by Serial Productions & The New York Times

Host: Masha Gessen

Episode Overview

Theme:
In this riveting third chapter, journalist Masha Gessen attends the trial of their cousin, Allen, accused of orchestrating a murder-for-hire plot against his ex-wife, Priscilla. Gessen takes listeners inside both the family’s struggle to make sense of Allen’s actions and the legal proceedings that finally lay bare his intentions. The episode interrogates family loyalty, denial, and the limits of empathy when loved ones do monstrous things.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Trial: Allen's Transformation and Family's Denial

[00:24] Masha describes Allen’s dramatic physical transformation and speculates on the intentions behind his court appearance—his new thinness, stooped posture, and a long gray beard reminiscent of a family story about their persecuted great-grandfather.
The family clings to the hope of entrapment, with some believing Allen has been forced or tricked into a crime by law enforcement.
- Quote: "The mind kept looking for a way to make what Allen did seem maybe a little less bad." (Masha Gessen, 01:31)
Masha positions themselves as the family’s truth-seeker, attending the trial to collect definitive evidence of Allen’s guilt to squash any lingering doubts.

2. Structure of the Trial and Key Players

[05:24] The jury trial is described as "a play put on for an audience," with the unique aspect of all leading courtroom figures being women.
Jury selection is unexpectedly candid, with potential jurors sharing personal details about divorces and custody battles.

3. The FBI Undercover Operation

[07:23–13:46] The undercover agent "David" testifies that Allen's case emerges from a broader FBI investigation into money laundering and shady Russian business associates.
Conversations between David, Allen, and Allen’s associate Kiselev are played for the jury, revealing discussions of bribes to deport Priscilla and schemes about a bulletproof vest factory.
Notable Moment: The Boca Raton meeting is staged like a mafia film, complete with performative clothing and swagger.
- Quote: “Alan is being international man of mystery. David is going full mafioso... they are the Alan and the David at the Boca Raton.”
  (Masha Gessen, 11:35)

4. Turning Point: The Murder-for-Hire Plot

[18:25–25:43] The most incriminating moment occurs when, after discussing bribery and deportation, the conversation shifts to the prospect of a "more permanent" solution for Priscilla. Allen quickly and clearly agrees to pursue murder.
- Quote: “The time that elapses between the agent saying that’s up to you, and Alan’s agreement... is a fraction of a second. He doesn’t take a breath... He jumps right in with both feet. And then it gets worse.”
  (Masha Gessen, 19:14)
Allen reveals he’s already researched prices for such a hit—$220,000 via other criminal groups. David (the agent) offers his "family’s" services as more affordable and reliable.
Repeated reconfirmations of Allen’s intent and happiness to proceed with the murder-for-hire.
- Quote: “Very happy to proceed with it. What a productive meeting for the undercover agent. He came for bribery and was leaving with murder for hire.”
  (Masha Gessen, 22:52)
The agent persistently emphasizes the finality of murder, seeking ironclad proof of Allen’s will and state of mind:
- Quote: "But you have to be sure that this is what you're—" “I'm sure.” “And this is not, like, the reaction. This sounds like it's been well thought out.”
  (David & Allen exchange, 23:25–23:38)

5. Logistics and Séance of Allen's Guilt

[27:30–29:57] At a subsequent Manhattan meeting, Allen gives David a gold coin towards the agreed-upon fee and supplies details about Priscilla’s schedule and routines.
- Quote: "The contract was for consulting. And once again, the undercover agent gets Alan to reconfirm that he really wants to go through with having Priscilla killed, again."
  (Masha Gessen, 29:30)
Allen is unperturbed by potential collateral victims:
- “I am absolutely ambivalent to the modalities and circumstances. As long as we achieve project objectives, additional unexpected expenses are part of doing business.”
  (Signal message, quoted at [31:58])

6. The Prosecution’s Case and Allen’s Defense

[36:58–39:00] Allen chooses to testify, framing himself as a devoted father used to resolving things with bribes, never murder.
- He offers strained semantic distinctions (“definite” vs. “permanent”), claiming he meant only forceful deportation, not killing.
The prosecutor systematically dismantles Allen’s defense on cross, highlighting the absurdity of his claims and exposing their contradictions.
- Quote:
  “You both lived in Boston and you want her deported to Zimbabwe so you can both co parent internationally?”
  (Prosecutor to Allen, 44:10)

7. Verdict and Reactions

[44:58] The jury quickly finds Allen guilty.
- Quote: “When she said guilty, I literally, I just burst into tears. I didn't expect that, but I felt it was like a huge sense of relief.”
  (Priscilla, 45:28)
Priscilla shares a cathartic sense of having been believed and protected:
- Quote:
  “The amount of care and attention that's been given to investigating this, to protecting me, kind of made me start feeling like I was a person... that is something that is I am forever grateful for.”
  (Priscilla, 46:36)

8. Masha’s Reflections and Ethical Considerations

[47:16–49:30] Masha struggles with her own reaction—experiencing satisfaction in Allen’s humiliation and punishment, questioning her ability for “strategic empathy.” She acknowledges wanting vengeance—an impulse she’d otherwise reject.
- Quote: “All it took to get there was 35 hours of phone conversations with Allen, some of the strangest interviews I've ever conducted. That's next time on The Idiot.”
  (Masha Gessen, 49:25)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote / Moment | |-------------|---------------|----------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:31 | Masha Gessen | "The mind kept looking for a way to make what Allen did seem maybe a little less bad." | | 11:35 | Masha Gessen | “Alan is being international man of mystery. David is going full mafioso.” | | 18:25–19:14 | Masha Gessen | "If there's a cheaper way to get rid of her... There is a cheaper way and probably a more permanent way to do it..." | | 22:52 | Masha Gessen | “Very happy to proceed with it. What a productive meeting for the undercover agent..." | | 23:28 | Allen | “I'm sure.” | | 31:58 | Allen (text) | "I am absolutely ambivalent to the modalities and circumstances. As long as we achieve project objectives, additional unexpected expenses are part of doing business." | | 44:10 | Prosecutor | “You both lived in Boston and you want her deported to Zimbabwe so you can both co parent internationally?” | | 45:28 | Priscilla | "When she said guilty, I literally, I just burst into tears..." | | 46:36 | Priscilla | “The amount of care and attention that's been given to investigating this, to protecting me, kind of made me start feeling like I was a person... that is something that is I am forever grateful for.” | | 47:16 | Masha Gessen | “This is going to be the first story in my career where the FBI are the good guys.” | | 47:36 | Priscilla | “The maximum.” (on what sentence she wanted for Allen) | | 49:25 | Masha Gessen | “All it took to get there was 35 hours of phone conversations with Allen, some of the strangest interviews I've ever conducted. That's next time on The Idiot.” |

Key Timestamps for Important Segments

[00:24] – Masha’s introductory reflection at the trial
[05:24] – Description of the unique jury, judge, and prosecution
[10:35] – Undercover agent’s first meeting with Allen (Boca Raton)
[18:25] – The conversation shifts to murder for hire
[27:30–29:57] – Manhattan steakhouse meeting; money and logistics
[31:58] – Allen’s “absolutely ambivalent” Signal message
[36:58] – Allen’s testimony; defense’s arguments
[44:58] – Verdict, Priscilla’s emotional response
[46:36] – Priscilla on reclaiming self-worth; Masha’s feelings on vengeance and empathy

Tone & Style Notes

Throughout the episode, Masha’s narration is deeply personal, reflective, and at times, bitterly ironic. There is a tension between journalistic detachment and familial pain, resulting in a raw, brutally honest account. The legal and criminal details are laid bare with a mix of dark humor and righteous indignation. Priscilla’s voice brings moments of quiet catharsis and restoration of dignity.

For Next Time

The episode closes with the promise that the following chapter will grapple with Masha’s efforts to actually empathize with Allen—teasing "35 hours of phone conversations... some of the strangest interviews I've ever conducted."

This summary captures the core events, emotional stakes, and intellectual inquiry of "The Idiot – Chapter 3." It is designed as a comprehensive guide for those who have not listened but wish to understand the plot, characters, and moral complexity at its heart.

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Transcript

Sydney Sweeney (0:00)

Hey, it's Sydney Sweeney. SID for short. For summer. I'm in the mood for comfortable. What am I wearing? Where am I going? What's the vibe? The short answer? American Eagle shorts. They're cute and go with everything. They just work. It's SID for short. An American Eagle for summer. Shop my pics now@ae.com On May 1,

Masha Gessen (0:24)

2023, I went to the federal courthouse in downtown San Francisco. My cousin Allen was on trial for hiring someone to kill his ex wife, Priscilla. The man he hired was actually an undercover FBI agent who worked out of the San Francisco office. So the trial was in California. No way was I going to miss this. Nine months had passed since Alan was arrested in my father's backyard. Now in the courtroom, he looked like he'd aged 20 years. In that time, Allen used to be fat and shiny. His bald head shone, as did his gadgets and his cars. He used to wear cowboy boots and big leather hats. Now he was dressed in a white shirt and a gray blazer. Defense attorneys often counseled their clients on what to wear to trial. The plain white shirt could communicate respect for the court. The blazer was non threatening. But it was Alan's physical transformation that struck me. He was thin, something he'd never been. He was stooped. He'd let his beard grow long and gray. Well played, Allen, I thought. We both grew up with stories of our very talented, very entrepreneurial and somewhat famous great grandfather. When he was arrested in Stalin's Russia, he grew a long gray beard to make sure he was perceived as an old man by the court. That didn't help our great grandfather, but maybe Alan thought it was worth trying in an American court. My family had learned a lot in the months since Alan was arrested. We already knew about the time he took his son O from Russia and moved to the US without telling Priscilla. And the time he took OH from the US and went to Canada again without telling Priscilla. Now we also knew about all the things that had happened to Priscilla during their separation. How she was evicted, beaten by harried thugs, arrested twice, held for two weeks. All of it, she believed, orchestrated by Allen. Hiring a hitman, if that's what he did, was just the latest thing and the worst one. The mind kept looking for a way to make what Alan did seem maybe a little less bad. Family and friends, especially those who were talking to my aunt Leana, Alan's mother, were convinced, or hoping to be convinced, that Alan had somehow been set up. One of the men in my family, told me that he'd heard that the undercover agent called Alan himself and said, I hear you have a problem. Would you like us to take care of it for you? Is there a murder for hire or a wallet found on the sidewalk? If you didn't intend to steal it, maybe it wasn't a crime. I knew what he was getting at. He thought Alan had been entrapped. But entrapment isn't much of a defense, morally speaking. I mean, wouldn't. Most people are upset.

Masha Gessen (5:24)

A jury trial is a play put on for an audience of one dozen people. In Allen's trial, notably, all three of the lead roles, the judge, the prosecutor, and the public defender, were played by women. The judge was kind and unusually personable. She encouraged members of the jury to use the time during breaks to get to know one another and suggested icebreakers. Maybe that's why during the jury selection process, people were surprisingly open and detailed, telling the stories of their own divorces and custody battles. The prosecutor, Ilham Husseini, seemed angry, like she was personally affronted by the details of the crime. Her star witness was the undercover FBI agent, the man Allen had hired to get rid of Priscilla. Allen knew him as David so that his cover wouldn't be blown. When David testified, members of the public, me and a couple of local crime reporters had to leave the courtroom and watch a video feed from an adjoining room. The camera was trained on the witness box, but in such a way that we couldn't see the Asian's face, by which I mean we were staring at David's crotch. Gray pants, the edge of a striped teal tie projected onto a large screen. While the prosecution played clips of surveillance audio. David testified that the investigation didn't start with Allen. It started with a different Russian speaker, a man named Alexei Kiselev. Kiselev was a sometime business partner of Alan's, a schemer in and around Washington, the sort of guy who leverages tenuous connections against imagined projects and very occasionally manages to make a buck. In 2019, Kiselev caught the FBI's attention. They suspected he was looking for someone to help launder billions of dollars. Those billions supposedly belonged to pro Russian Ukrainian politicians who had been facing sanctions. The money may or may not have existed, and the case against him was eventually dropped. But for a couple years, David had been posing as someone who could facilitate such transactions. And Kiselyov was talking to David.

Masha Gessen (26:28)

Normally, after hearing someone testify for hours, especially if the testimony was colorful, which this certainly had been, I tried to chat with the other reporters in the courtroom, but this time I didn't feel like doing that because I didn't feel like explaining why I'd come all the way from New York to cover this case. I didn't feel like telling anyone that the defendant was my first cousin. The one person in the audience that I really wanted to talk to about all of this wouldn't talk to me. My Aunt Nela, Alan's mother, was there, dressed as she usually was, in elegant and hip, all black. I saw Allen smile warmly at her when he was brought into the courtroom, but she generally sat out of my line of sight. It had been almost a year since she'd spoken to me or my father. Soon after Allen was arrested, she became furious with my father for inviting Priscilla and the kids to Cape Cod for Labor Day weekend and not inviting her. She accused my father of siding with the FBI, which she thought had framed Allen. In a huff, she left the family Facebook chat. Weeks and months later, my father tried to reach out to her to offer help. He'd heard that she was struggling financially, but she rebuffed him. At the end of the first day of the trial, Lena wrote a long post on Facebook about how Alan had been framed. And even though I, a journalist, was in the courtroom, I wasn't doing anything to help him. She was not wrong. In a different case, I might have spent time wondering why Kiselev hadn't shown up for this meeting with David and why the undercover agent had seemed to think the meeting was organized to discuss Priscilla. While Alan thought they'd be talking about the bulletproof vest factor, I might have focused on how manipulative the undercover agent had been, how he kept fanning the flames of Alan's fury with his comments about women who ruin men's lives. But Alan was just so happy to be led down this road. He seemed to care about only four speed, permanence, the price, of course, and not having the children witness their mom's murder. Three weeks after the conversation in Boca Raton, Allen and David met again, this time at a kosher steakhouse in the financial district of Manhattan. The recording of that conversation was played in court, too. They went over logistics. David advised Allen to get out of state when the operation goes down. Later, he told him to use his credit card to establish his alibi. They discussed the price again. $50,000. Half up front, half upon completion. As a show of good faith, Alan gave David a gold coin. He'd been carrying it around in his wallet.

Masha Gessen (30:02)

A few days after this meeting, Alan and Lena brought the children to the fourth birthday party for my brother's kid in Brooklyn. The theme of the party was frozen. It was the first time I saw Alan after he and Priscilla reached their custody agreement, and the first time I didn't feel at all conflicted about spending time with them. It was all above board. Now Priscilla was on her way to New York, too, to spend a few days in the city with O and Al. I noticed that Alan and Lena were unusually subdued during the party. The party was at a playground. Kids ran in sprinklers and then ate frozen cake. And the birthday child changed in and out of frozen dresses. Alan and Nana, who brought their poodle, took turns sitting on a bench just outside the playground with the dog, because dogs weren't allowed inside the fence. And Alan explained, while he was awaiting trial on the kidnapping charge, he had to be on his best behavior. He also asked me and my brother Keith, who's also a writer, for advice on selling a memoir of his weeks in jail. It was sitting in the courtroom, listening to the wire recordings, that I realized by the time of that birthday party, Allen had already had his second meeting with David, the undercover agent. It had probably happened during the same trip to New York. And two weeks after that birthday party, Allen sent David a target package. Priscilla's address, the license plate of her car, the name and location of the man she was then seeing. With comments like, when children are with ex husband, subject stays at her boyfriend's house in Cambridge. When without children, subject goes out. Over the next two weeks, texting over signal, Allen and David finalized the date of the planned hit. They discussed the importance of a solid alibi. Allen would be out of town with the kids. I knew where that was. At my father's house on Cape Cod. Then David texted this one quick question. If there are any guests present, do you have any problem with showing them the exit? My guys said we need to plan for extra guests at the show in court. The undercover agent explained what that meant. I was asking Mr. Gessen if there was anybody with his ex wife at the time we were going to conduct the killing. Would he have any problem with us killing that person as well? Allen responded, I am absolutely ambivalent to the modalities and circumstances. As long as we achieve project objectives, additional unexpected expenses are part of doing business. This message would be quoted over and over again during the trial, so I'm going to repeat it too. I am absolutely ambivalent to the modalities and circumstances. As long as we achieve project objectives, additional unexpected expenses are part of doing business. By ambivalent, Allen seems to have meant indifferent. By unexpected expenses, he meant dead people. By doing business, he meant having Priscilla murdered. In between arranging the details of Priscilla's murder, Alan sent David pictures of the kids vacationing with him. After he signed off on killing extra people as necessary, Alan texted, when sailing today, Always studying yachting. David responded, priceless. What more can I say, Alan? That as a father, you appreciate another father who cares 100%. Your kids and your grandchildren will appreciate you and honor you in the way you deserve. Alan. Thank you, my brother. Our cause is just. The prosecutor asked, any response from you to that? I couldn't say anymore. The agent said, I. I was just stunned. I wished I could see the agent's face rather than his crotch. Was he really stunned? Maybe. He did seem to have a reaction whenever Alan talked about his kids. A reaction that didn't seem to be tied to the needs of the investigation. I mean, even I was kind of stunned. But mostly I was mad. My father texted 10 minutes before the court ended for the day, asking for a recap. I summed up the undercover agent's testimony. My father texted back, thank you. I felt like I could hear that thank you. It was the kind of thank you you say when you lose hope. I couldn't give my father anything to make him feel better. No excuse or explanation or even the slightest bit of understanding for Alan's actions. Because how can you understand someone who says our cause is just about killing his children's mother? I mean, what was there to understand? A few more people took the stand. The police detective from Concord who investigated Allen's kidnapping case. Priscilla. The jury heard more crazy and horrible things about Allen. Not that they needed to hear anymore. After the day of listening to the undercover recordings, it seemed crazy to think that anyone could try to defend themselves in the face of. Well, in the face of themselves incriminating themselves on tape over and over and over again. But Allen Bing Alan was going to try that's after the break.

Masha Gessen (36:58)

Many criminal defendants don't testify at their own trials. The jury has already heard the prosecution's case and they're thinking there's at least a good chance that the defendant is lying. Most people, even when they are telling the truth, struggle to sound consistent, convincing and sympathetic, and it's hard to keep your wits about you under cross examination. So most defense attorneys advise most of their clients to leave the talking to the professionals. The public defender, Candice Mitchell, had decades of experience in public service. Mitchell was also a black woman like Priscilla Lucky Allen to have her addressing the jury on his behalf. But this was Alan, the guy who was fired from his one and only law firm job for basically acting like he knew better than everyone else. The guy who wrote a two page email to a police detective trying to convince him that taking O to Canada in violation of a court order was innocuous behavior. The guy who had never been in a room he didn't expect to Win over, Of course. Allen took the stand and stayed on it for a day and a half to be sure. This was a very different Alan than I'd seen before. This was thin Allen, old Alan, stooped Allen with a long beard. The Allen I knew was the biggest presence at any family gathering. And we're not exactly a group of wallflowers. This Allen spoke so softly that even with amplification, everyone strained to hear him. Within a couple of minutes of taking the stand, Alan was crying. He was recalling the first months of Oh's life. Oh was born in Zimbabwe at 26 weeks. No one knew if he could survive. Oh spent 78 days in the NICU. Allen asked for tissues, and a few seconds later, led by his defense attorney, he was talking about money, about paying off the security guards at the hospital in Harare to bring in equipment and, as he claimed, quote, rebuilt the whole neonatal unit. He said that he installed oxygen tanks and humidifiers and changed the lighting to make it more diffused and covered the incubators and installed speakers in the incubators to place Chopin and Debussy. The defense seemed to be trying to show that Allen was a devoted father, but also, more important, that he was used to solving his problems by bribing people. So this was Alan's defense. That he bribed his way through life and that all he ever wanted was to bribe someone to get Priscilla deported but not to have her killed. Only he didn't think it would cost so much money. Well, my first thought was that I didn't have $100,000. In fact, he had no money at all. He was in debt. But he couldn't say this to David because he had to project success. Instead, after talking about the bulletproof vest factory and after coffee, Alan asked David about it. Cheaper way to get rid of her. What did he think that would be? His defense attorney asked. I think it's the Immigration Customs Enforcement who actually take people and physically remove them from the United States. Meaning he thought that instead of bribing some highly placed official to deport Priscilla through the immigration court system, Allen would be bribing ICE officers to remove her from the country physically. This was long before just this sort of thing. Masked ICE officers physically grabbing people, shoving them into unmarked vans, and having them transported to third countries was in the news all the time. Rather, Allen testified, he got the idea from movies. What about throwing the words definite and permanent around here? Alan offered a whole linguistic analysis. It was David who used the word permanent. Alan had said, definitely. And he said, for me the word definite means something that is certain to happen, that is more likely to happen. Now, David's response to it is permanent, which is very different from definite. Permanent is something that's irreversible. As for his concerns about not exposing children to violence, he meant just the grab and drag Priscilla out of the room kind of violence, not the killing kind. Allen claimed that he didn't write some of the signal messages that had been entered into evidence. But yes, he did write the I am absolutely ambivalent one. He explained that the tone of my response is kind of, I'm on holiday with kids, why are you bothering me? And he explained what the exchange supposedly meant. There may be other illegal immigrants present when the raid happens and they will be exited, meaning removed from the country. Like maybe they'd grabbed Priscilla's sister, who was also in the US or the Zimbabwean family she was staying with. So, yes, he didn't want Priscilla killed, only stuffed in the trunk of a car, possibly with other people who happened to be around, and driven out of the country. And once Priscilla was eventually back in Zimbabwe, they would quote co parent internationally. Eli Hosseini, the prosecutor, seemed really angry now, outraged that Allen, a lawyer, would do everything he appeared to have done. Kidnap o, kidnap O again, and then arrange to have Priscilla killed while claiming that he wanted her. Only while kidnapped, I was right there with her. I couldn't believe Alan's chutzpah in taking the stand, in expecting anyone to take his defense seriously. I mean, I literally couldn't believe most of what he said. Neither could Ms. Hosseini on cross examination. She had these kinds of exchanges with Allen once she was deported. Yesterday you said you planned to co parent with her internationally. Correct? And that made sense to you at the time? Yes. You both lived in Boston and you want her deported to Zimbabwe so you can both co parent internationally? Um, yes. The two of you living in Boston, is that closer in terms of geography or the United States and Zimbabwe? Definitely in Boston is closer than Boston and Zimbabwe. Nonetheless, your goal was not to separate Priscilla from the children, was it? When she was done with him, Ilham Hosseini hadn't just destroyed Alan's defense, she had thoroughly humiliated him. This made me happy. What the hell was wrong with me? I think I can honestly say that I had never before enjoyed seeing someone humiliated in public. If a movie or a play contains even a hint of ridicule, if the director is mean to their characters, I find it unbearable to watch. And here I was rejoicing in the ritual shaming of my cousin, a person I can still see as a naked, pudgy baby with a full head of curls. And the person I identified most with at the trial was the prosecutor. This, too, had never happened to me. I'd never thought you'd go, girl. When watching an assistant U.S. attorney pound away at a defendant whom she wants to get locked up. I have covered dozens of trials in this country and elsewhere. I spent a couple of years immersed in American terrorism trials where most of the evidence came from FBI agents. I'd seen defendants who had done monstrous things like set off bombs at the Boston Marathon and stupid things like dispose of the evidence. And I'd never before wanted anyone, anyone, to get the maximum sentence. I had never before disregarded defense arguments so completely. And I'd never before trusted the testimony of an undercover agent so fully. If I paused to think about it, I'd have to note that there was something very odd about some of those signal messages, which were shown not as screenshots, but as pictures of a phone taken with another phone and which contained incorrect ages for both kids. But even though I have known the FBI to manufacture evidence, I had no patience for the public defender's focus on these strange messages, and also no empathy. The jury deliberated for just a few hours. There couldn't have been much of a disagreement. Guilty. I texted my father. Understood, he responded. Nine minutes later, he added, as you might have guessed, I am not surprised. None of us had any doubt anymore.

Masha Gessen (47:59)

Priscilla was hoping that Allen would surface time somewhere far away from her and the kids, because she was afraid he'd get someone, maybe someone he met in prison, to come after her. I could understand why. She had felt haunted by Allen for almost four years now. She hadn't felt safe walking or driving or even being in her own apartment. The one time she let her guard down when she thought they'd reached an agreement, he hired someone to kill her. If I were Priscilla, I'm sure I would want Allen to be locked up forever. If I were Priscilla, that would feel like justice. But I'm not Priscilla. I should be able to see the bigger picture. And in this bigger picture, things had shifted. It was Alan who was alone now, fighting for his life. Yes, I thought that his soft voice and his tears might be an act, and his long beard and stooped posture, at least in part a costume. But I also knew that he had been in jail for almost a year, that he had lost his adored son and his nifty life full of gadgets and tinder matches, his businesses, his ambitions, and would surely lose his law license. I knew that the American prison system is inhumane, that it doesn't help people become better, and that in the end, it offers victims almost nothing, too. I wasn't even a victim in this case, and yet I wanted vengeance. Was it time to admit that I was a hypocrite who opposed carceral justice only when it was about strangers, not when it was about my own family. As a journalist, I try to exercise what's called strategic empathy. Empathy to understand why people do what they do, even if what they do is ultimately unjustifiable. And maybe I had to admit now that this approach was always more about being strategic than about feeling empathy. But when it came to my cousin Alan, I couldn't even find my way to strategic empathy. I couldn't even imagine what he was thinking, much less what he was feeling when he did all the horrible things he did. But then that change, I came to know, or at least think I know, what was going through Alan's head. I even came to feel a kind of affinity for him. I mean, it got to the point where on the morning after my own wedding, I picked out some photos of O and L to send to Alan in prison so he would see how beautiful they looked. All it took to get there was 35 hours of phone conversations with Alan, some of the strangest interviews I've ever conducted. That's next time on the Idiot.