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- [00:00]
A
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I see one more nauseatingly bad take on why women should never have children propagandized by the media, I actually might plug a fork into a light socket. But shockingly, the Oscars may have just provided the antidote for how women should be talking about their kids. Instead. If you guys know me, you'll know that like the last thing I pay attention to in the entire world is Hollywood and celebrity gossip and drama and reality tv. I swear, about three times a week my adorable, amazing associate producer Jess is trying to give me all of the tea on the latest dating shows in Hollywood. I have no idea what she is talking about. It's actually low key. Pretty embarrassing. In my defense, I don't have a lot of free time to sit around and watch dating shows, although this new Netflix show where anyone can be any age, weird twist, but actually seems kind of intriguing. I may have to take a look. That said, I don't tend to watch award ceremonies, but one moment from the Oscars that happened last weekend is breaking the Internet in all of the best ways and I am so here for it. The winner for the category of Best Actress this year is an actress by the name of Jessie Buckley who is from Ireland but was the lead in a movie called Hamnet which I have never seen. Now I really want to go see it because I'm so intrigued by the message that this actress shared on stage. It's apparently a movie about William Shakespeare and Agnes losing their child to the plague in 16th century England and navigating grief and loss while also trying to parent their surviving children. It's very much a story about motherhood and the grief and destruction that comes when pain comes to our children, but also the overwhelming purpose and fulfillment that comes with being a mom. Beyond that, I know literally nothing about the movie, so don't ask me about it. But Jessie Buckley, the actress who portrayed Agnes, won the Oscar for Best Actress this year and during her acceptance speech didn't do the classic woke entitled woman thing in responding to this massive award and accolade by, I don't know, thanking the abortion gods as we saw with Michelle Williams at the Golden Globes in 2020. And I wouldn't have been able to do this without employing a woman's right to choose or saying that we need to defund ICE or protest Trump in whatever way humanly possible. Trust me, there was a lot of that at the Oscars this year too. She gets on stage and begins her entire acceptance speech by looking directly at her husband and saying, I want to have as many babies as humanly possible with you. And there is nothing like a mother's love. Watch this.
- [03:32]
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You Fred, I love you, man. I love you. You're the most incredible dad, you're my best friend and I want to have 20,000 more babies with you. I do, I do. And Isla, my little girl who is eight months who has absolutely no idea what's going on and is probably dreaming of milk. But this is kind of a big deal and I love you and I love being your mom and I can't wait to discover life beside you. Chloe and Maggie, you. To get to know this incandescent woman and journey to understand the capacity of a mother's love is the greatest collision of my life. It's Mother's Day in the UK today, So I would like to dedicate this to the beautiful chaos of a mother's heart.
- [04:35]
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I'm gonna like literally sob my ass out. The beautiful chaos of a mother's heart as you may hear my daughter screaming in the background. It's like absolute chaos of a mother's heart. I have seen so many horrifying anti family motives, speeches, accolades add up over the past several years and I see it more and more and more with every passing day. We're gonna get into some of that as well. But to just say, see something poke its head up from above the sea of insanity and say there is nothing more important, there's nothing more beautiful, there's nothing more empowering than to love others and to be loved, especially in the family unit. We all needed that really bad, to be honest. I also think the symbolism of this moment is incredibly powerful. Like you are literally standing on stage winning best Actress at the Oscars, holding one of the most important coveted trophies, awards, accolades in the history of humankind, receiving the applause from the most influential people on the planet that you have worked your entire career for. And your immediate reaction is to look at your husband and say, I want to have 20,000 babies with you. And to thank your 8 month old daughter, also named Isla, very classy. And say, you are the most important thing I've ever done in my life. Like ultimately this thing that I'm holding means nothing. It's. It's meaningless. It is absolutely nothing compared to the legacy and the depth of love that I will leave behind as a mom. Not to mention I would be remiss if I didn't mention her fit. Can we just talk about this for a second? Easily best dressed on the red carpet. By far. This is the classiest thing I've ever seen. People are saying it was supposed to be a nod to Grace Kelly, which I totally see. Obviously more of this, less of this on the red carpet. Okay, back to it in just a second. But first, if you guys have ever thought about starting your own business, you probably know that it is so wildly overwhelming to get started for the very first time. There's so much paperwork. You have taxes to pay, you have to fill out a gazillion things. It's enough to make you never want to start in the first place. But when I started my business several years ago. Now looking back on all of that, I am so glad that I took the leap. And now you can too. Thanks to our friends at Shopify. Shopify is the commerce platform that is powering millions of businesses across the United States, including 10% of all E commerce in our country, including our very own daily wire shop. Getting started is incredibly easy. They have hundreds of ready to use templates that help you to match your brand's unique style. 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It's time to turn your what ifs into with Shopify today. You guys can get started on your $1 per month trial right now at shopify.com Isabelle again, that is shopify.com Isabel but I also think this moment carries so much extra weight because of how we saw the media approach the subject of motherhood at large in the last week or so. I can't believe we haven't talked about this on the show yet. I have posted about it a coup of times on other platforms, but I'm sure you guys may have seen by now the New York Magazine article that completely broke my brain last week where they followed this series of mothers in different phases of their life and literally put together this op ed in the cut, which is a segment of New York Magazine called and I quote, I regret having children. I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like to be the children of these women who are just freely giving their voice and their time to say their kids are awful and they wish that they didn't exist. But the way that they teased this article and the little byline what that they posted on Twitter to make you click on the link is horrifying. Truly, they said this. Sooner or later, everyone has to decide whether to give up the three most important things in your life as a woman. Lazy weekends, disposable income, and overall peace of mind to have a baby instead. I can't. Of course, they'll never tell you that lazy weekends still exist as a mom and are infinitely better if your baby is falling asleep on your chest while you're watching football as a family on Sunday afternoon. Disposable income ultimately means nothing. Like your bank account will never love you back. And typically, having a baby forces you into making more money, so you'll probably have more disposable income at the end of the day. And there is no comparable peace of mind than watching your daughter smile or laugh for the first time. Like forget every other moment of clarity I've ever had in my life. That is when I've known that this is what life is all about. But in this piece, I got together a bunch of women who are miserable, obviously, and misery loves company. So why not shove all of their stories together in the same ridiculous garbage piece of propaganda to try to convince you that even though these women had kids, their life sucks now and your life will also suck if you have kids in the future. The one that stood out to me the most was an interview that they made with a 27 year old mom of a 1 year old from North Carolina. And maybe this stood out to me because I'm in a really similar phase of life as this woman right now. I'm 28, so I'm a year older than her. And my daughter is not yet one. She will be one at the end of next month. But we're in basically the exact same chapters of existence right now. And we could not have more dramatically different takeaways of this experience of mothering through the first year of our child's life. If anybody could have written it. She says this. My husband and I met in middle school. He was always interested in having a big family and I told him I wasn't sure. Unfortunately, it took me seeing a positive pregnancy test to realize that this was not for me. Wow. When I looked at the pregnancy test of my daughter, I started crying tears of joy. So different strokes, I guess. I was sitting there pregnant, kind of like, I don't want to do this. I spoke to my mom about it, but she's very religious and anti abortion. The same thing with one of my closest friends, which surprised me. My husband is pro choice, but he was like, I really want to have this child. I think you're really anxious. A big change for you, but it's a great thing. You're going to be a wonderful mom. He really wanted this. Think of how many women have begged throughout history to have a dad have that type of reaction when you show them a pregnancy test. Like, talk about an invested, wonderful provider of a husband and you still are miserable through the experience. You can't make that right during pregnancy. I felt embarrassed. I've had body dysmorphia issues since I was a kid and I felt so massive. I used to be a track athlete and I've always been fit and active. So I didn't like feeling so heavy and restricted when trying to do the things I've always done, like hiking during my third trimester. I didn't want to leave the house house so that people wouldn't see me. My heart breaks for you for that. I hate that that's the way that you felt. But I also think it's important to contrast that with the experience that people like myself or maybe our friend Riley Gaines has talked very openly about. Because the positive experiences matter just as much. I, as someone who kind of always struggled with never being like, super fit, I've always been like, generally fit, like general body type, I guess. But I've never looked like Riley Gaines. Let's be totally honest. Throughout my entire life, in the moments where I felt huge in my pregnancy, I actually felt the most beautiful I've ever felt in my entire life. Because I looked in the mirror and I realized that my body had a purpose unlike anything I've ever experienced before. That my body, even one that I haven't always loved looking in the mirror, was capable of growing another young woman's life from scratch. Like it was the coolest feeling in the entire world. Seeing that happen in the mirror with every single passing day of my pregnancy. Maybe if we talked about it like that more often, more women would feel empowered and beautiful through the experience instead of just feeling fat. But New York magazine doesn't want to publish that. My son's birth was also traumatic. His shoulder got stuck in my pelvis and the epidural kept wearing off. The nurses told me it was fine and that I was overthinking. They held me down and jumped on my pelvis to dislodge his shoulder while the doctor reached up and got him out. I still have pain from it. When my son was placed on me, I didn't feel anything. Let me read that line one more time. When my son was placed on me, I didn't feel anything. It was surreal. I told the nurse, you've got to put him back in the bassinet. I'm about to puke. Then I did all over myself. No one helped me to the bathroom or showed me how to wash myself. You felt nothing? Nothing. Not even like a single emotional pull at all towards your baby? Your baby? That is such a foreign concept to me. I can't even begin to wrap my head around it. And either is a tragically sad and a perfect example of postpartum depression where generally you have no control over any of your emotions because of how influx your hormones are constantly in the experience of giving birth and immediately afterwards. And if that's the case, I'm so sorry for you that you didn't have more hands on deck to notice that and to help you walk out of it. Or is the most ridiculous, clinical insane narcissism I've Ever heard in my entire life. In the most vulnerable moment of your entire existence, they put your baby on your chest and you felt nothing. That's insane. I went back to work about a month after giving birth. I needed to. I'm a dog trainer with my own business, and it's my passion. I had to go back to regular life. My body went back to normal within the first month, but it didn't still feel like my body. I was pumping all the time. So my breasts, which are usually small, were big and engorged. My stomach was flat, but the skin was soft and it felt squishy. I had stretch marks and dark lines in clothes. I looked like myself to everyone else, but in the bedroom and bathroom, I didn't. I felt like I had disappeared as a human being. And this is where this gets really interesting, because clearly her entire identity, which obviously shifted when becoming a mom, is wrapped up in self, not in anything that ties you to an external person. Clients called me Mama. Friends and family asked me how my son was. They told me how excited and overjoyed I must be. I tried telling them I wasn't coping well with motherhood and was still processing the birth. And they'd tell me, that's what motherhood is. One of my friends texted my husband, wow, she's changed. And not in a good way. It came from a place of care. She and my many of my friends and family told me I had postpartum depression. Oh, well, people did notice. There you go to seek therapy and to go on medication, but at the same time, they'd quickly flip it back to, you need to be there for your son. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps, move on, it's over with and done. Everything I went through was just like, no big deal because the baby is here. Your existence doesn't matter. Or maybe to the contrary, your existence is supposed to be about something bigger than just yourself. Maybe we find our most beautiful purpose and meaning and contribution to the world not in what we consume, but in what we give. Maybe who you are to your son or this chapter of your life might matter more than who everyone else is to you. Why that's such a controversial thing, I don't know, actually, because it's been in those moments where I am not the main character of my own life in this last year that I have felt the deepest, most profound, beautiful connection to God. Because it's embracing voluntary humiliation the same way that Christ did for us throughout all of his ministry and especially on the cross for our salvation. It's been a year, she says genuinely, if there is a hell, I have been living in it since I gave birth. My son has a low tolerance for frustration and doesn't communicate other than whining, screaming, crying, throwing things and pulling my hair. He's one. He's a one year old. I've tried so hard to do the things early intervention advised us to. I read the books, I play the music, I dance around. Nothing works. Every day, things get worse and worse. I wake up and count the hours until my husband comes home. At some point I thought, I can't keep living like this, and neither can my son. Is that, like, supposed to be a threat? How else am I supposed to read that? So as a result, she says this, my husband and I are taking steps to separate, and he's willing to take on the role of being a single parent, which makes me feel incredibly guilty. But I can't live this life with him anymore. I'm not the parent my son needs. I don't feel anything for him, and I don't want to wait it out for years and walk out when he has actual memories. Right now, he's very young and you can fake things, but I can only fake it it so much. I'm inclined to believe that this is not a prolonged postpartum depression because your son is a year old at this point. If it is, my heart tragically breaks for you that people are trying to help and there's no willingness to get better so that you can feel things for your son. So let's just assume that it's not that and that it is just rampant insane clinical narcissism. Or if we're not willing to diagnose it, the understanding that this is just what our society does. Our society is programming young women to worship the God of self. Self, period, full stop. I mean, how many tiktoks have we seen? Like the millions that come across my feed every single month of I deserve to be selfish right now, at this phase in my life, selfishness is important to me. If I'm not selfish, no one's going to put my needs first, and therefore I will just cease to exist as the human being that I currently am. There is nothing empowering, nothing feminist, and nothing based in actual equality about this type of thinking. In reality, it's isolating to women rather than empowering. It's keeping you away from any sort of actual important emotional relationship and investment with another human being. Be it your husband who this woman is just walking away from now, or your children who she is abandoning in pursuit of what? A life as a single dog trainer. This is insane actually. And what blew my mind is this wasn't the only article. This article is full of six or seven stories about women who are all miserable as moms and hence the headline I regret having children. But this wasn't the only article like this that came out last year. Last week which made the Oscars speech so, so important. BBC across the pond in response to this New York magazine article presumably decided to run this headline like a trap you can't escape. The women who regret being mothers, they opened the article saying this. Carmen loves her 10 year old son, but if she could turn back the clock, she says, she never would have become a mum. Imagine being the little boy reading this at some point, seeing his mom give this interview. Motherhood has taken my health, my time, my money, my strength and my she says the price is too high and the cost is forever. But do you hear that mentality? My health, my time, my money, my strength, my body. None of which is true by the way, if you really want to split hairs and start unpacking this. But it's me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, mine, mine, mine, mine all the time. What if we started talking about motherhood through the lens of actual empowerment for women in not just what you give but also what you receive. People say breastfeeding ruins your boobs, but what they'll never tell you is that breastfeeding actually reduces your lifetime risk of breast cancer by 26%. People say your downstairs will never ever be the same. But on that note, did you know pregnancy lowers your risk of endometrial cancer by 50%? If you have five or more pregnancies throughout your lifetime, your risk of developing multiple sclerosis goes down by 94%. People say pregnancy gives you pregnancy brain and you just turn into a walking idiot that has no capacity to think for yourself. But actually, pregnant women, typically throughout history, have scored higher on cognitive tests than women who are not pregnant and who have never had children. Did you know married women are more likely to never have cancer or to catch it before it spreads than unmarried women? If you are not married, you have a 42% higher risk of developing cardiovascular disease in your life than if you have a husband? Across every level of education, income, political affiliation, age group, everything. If you are married, you have a significantly reduced risk of depression in your life. The happiest, healthiest, wealthiest, most prosperous people throughout all of human history are married people with children. And that goes statistically up significantly when you also factor faith in God into the equation, by the way. So that's what you get from being a mom in just your health alone. But I think it's high time we start flipping the script on women's empowerment. To not just be about what you get, but to actually live an empowered life means to on focus. Focus everything on what you give. Maybe this is really harsh, but this is true. Not just of women, of men too. Your life was never meant to be about you. Ever. And it's no coincidence to me that we are in the most miserable time in human history in modern existence, because we've made everything about ourselves. In a world full of New York magazines and BBC articles convincing you that being a mom is going to destroy your entire existence, I say we need a whole lot more. Jessie Buckley's in the World world. This one is for the women. So I need your help here at the end. New York magazine says the three most important things in your life that you give up when you become a mom are lazy weekends, disposable income, and peace of mind. What are actually the three most important things in your life? Let us know in the comments.
- [21:15]
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