Podcast Summary: The Jefferson Fisher Podcast

Episode: 3 Simple Questions That Put You Back in Control
Host: Jefferson Fisher (Civility Media)
Date: November 4, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Jefferson Fisher shares three powerful strategies—framed as specific questions and conversational techniques—that help listeners regain or maintain control during difficult conversations. With a special focus on actionable communication tactics, Fisher breaks down why certain question formats disrupt negative momentum in a conversation, level power dynamics, and keep dialogue constructive and calm. He emphasizes that regaining control isn’t about dominating, but about achieving clarity, reflection, and equal footing.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Regaining Control Through “Reset Questions”

• [02:00] Fisher explains that conversation control can feel elusive, especially when power dynamics shift unexpectedly. To counteract this, he recommends using questions that force a conversational “reset,” much like rebooting a frozen device.

• Technique: Ask questions that require reflection, stopping the current momentum.

  • Example Questions:
    • “Are you against us talking at a normal tone?”
    • “Is it unreasonable for me to ask you to lower your voice?”
    • “I need to know where we’re going in this conversation—can you help me understand that?”

• Insight: These questions psychologically encourage the other person to answer “no,” which naturally diffuses tension and pivots the interaction.

  • Quote:

    “Who’s going to say, ‘Yes, I’m against talking calmly?’ So you use that to your advantage. It makes them think.”
    —[05:30], Jefferson Fisher

• Sports Analogy: Fisher likens this to “icing the kicker” in football: “Let’s stop the momentum.”
  —[08:30]

2. Spotlighting Motives with “Did You Mean” Questions

• [10:10] Fisher’s favorite tool for exposing underlying motives is the “Did you mean…” question.
  • Example Questions:
    • “Did you mean for that to sound dismissive?”
    • “Did you mean for that to embarrass me?”
    • “Did you mean for that to sound manipulative?”
• Psychological Impact: These call out intent, forcing self-reflection and offering a reset in tone or behavior.
  • Quote:

    “What they do is they put a big spotlight on the other person’s behavior, and it makes them have to think about what their motive was.”
    —[11:20], Jefferson Fisher

3. Ensuring Equal Footing

• [12:40] Fisher introduces the idea of explicitly checking for conversational balance.
  • Example Questions:
    • “Are we on equal footing?”
    • “Are we walking side by side right now?”
    • “Is this a conversation where we’re balanced?”
• Benefit: Calls for mutual respect and pauses the conversation, demanding reciprocity in control and engagement.

4. Leveraging Silence and Strategic Pausing

• [18:15] Fisher underscores that control is also found in silence: by pausing or stepping away from a charged conversation, you can regain emotional footing and conversational steering.
• Technique:
  • Announce the need for a break: “I need to come back to this conversation when I’m in a better place.”
  • State your boundaries: “This is not a conversation that I need to be in right now.”
• Quote:

  “So many times in conversation, the most powerful move you can make: no move at all. Not saying anything.”
  —[18:30], Jefferson Fisher

  • “You’re not responding emotionally. You’re not trying to throw daggers and add these little paper cuts to the conversation that don’t do anything.”
    —[19:40]

Memorable Quotes & Timestamps

• On using negative phrasing for reflection:

  “Are you against us talking about this calmly? The first thing they're going to want to respond with is ‘no.’”
  —[06:40]

• On calling out motives:

  “Did you mean for that to sound dismissive? Did you mean for that to embarrass me or offend me? Did you mean questions… put a big spotlight on the other person’s behavior."
  —[11:10]

• On signaling for balance:

  “Whenever you're using words that call balance—even the imagery of balanced, are we side by side here?—what they do is they make the other person slow down.”
  —[13:20]

• On silence as power:

  “Control is also very much found in the silence and taking breaks. And what’s that? That is you calling your shot of when and when you will not have conversation.”
  —[19:00]

Important Timestamps

• [02:00] — Introduction to power dynamics and conversational control
• [04:30] — “Reset” questions and their structure
• [08:30] — The sports analogy and importance of disrupting momentum
• [10:10] — “Did you mean…” as a reflection tool
• [12:40] — Checking for conversational balance
• [18:15] — Power of silence and boundary-setting

Episode Recap: The Three Simple Questions

1. Use Intelligent “Reset” Questions:

• “Are you against...?”, “Is it unreasonable...?”, “Help me understand where we’re going...”
• Disrupts negative momentum and regains poise

2. Ask About Intent and Motive:

• “Did you mean for that to…?”
• Forces reflection and often leads to recalibration by the other party

3. Control the Conversation with Silence:

• Take strategic pauses or request breaks
• Assert your boundaries and regain calm before re-engaging

“Silence is so often the very thing that will stop the momentum, bring control back. Because you are choosing your words when you want them and what you want to say.”
—[20:30], Jefferson Fisher

Feel empowered to implement these simple and actionable strategies in your next conversation. As Jefferson Fisher encourages, make your next conversation the one that changes everything.