3 Steps to End a Relationship with Respect - The Jefferson Fisher Podcast

Summary of "3 Steps to End a Relationship with Respect"

Podcast: The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Host: Civility Media (Jefferson Fisher)
Episode Title: 3 Steps to End a Relationship with Respect
Release Date: May 20, 2025
Description: Learn actionable strategies to communicate effectively and end relationships with kindness and respect.

Introduction

In this episode, Jefferson Fisher delves into the delicate process of ending various types of relationships—be it romantic, professional, or platonic—with dignity and respect. Acknowledging the emotional turmoil associated with such conversations, Fisher aims to equip listeners with a clear, structured approach to navigate these challenging discussions efficiently and compassionately.

1. Eliminating Small Talk (00:00 - 15:30)

Fisher begins by addressing a common mistake people make when ending relationships: engaging in unnecessary small talk. He illustrates this with a role-play scenario where someone attempts to soften the blow with trivial conversation, which ultimately prolongs discomfort and anxiety for both parties.

Notable Quote:

"The small talk is one of the worst pain points because, as a listener, you know something's not right. It's a setup, a trap. You're just waiting for the hammer to drop."
— Jefferson Fisher (03:45)

Key Points:

Authenticity Over Comfort: Instead of masking the conversation with pleasantries, be genuine and direct. Small talk often heightens anxiety as the other person senses the impending bad news.
Efficiency in Communication: By avoiding small talk, you reduce the emotional buildup that can make the conversation more painful.

Fisher's Advice:

Label the Conversation Early: Begin by clearly stating the purpose of the meeting. For example, "This is going to be a difficult conversation," sets the right expectation and prepares the other person mentally.

2. Getting to the Point Immediately (15:31 - 35:00)

The second step emphasizes the importance of delivering the main message promptly after setting the stage. Delaying the core message only serves to intensify anxiety and extends the discomfort for both parties.

Notable Quote:

"First thing out of your mouth is the news. Whatever it is, you have to get to the bottom line immediately."
— Jefferson Fisher (20:10)

Key Points:

Directness Reduces Anxiety: Being straightforward minimizes the period of uncertainty and speculation, which can be more distressing than the news itself.
Clarity and Brevity: Clearly state your intention without waffling. For instance, in a romantic breakup, say, "We need to break up," rather than diluting the message with additional commentary.

Fisher's Advice:

Avoid Backtracking: Resist the urge to revisit previous conversations or bring up past grievances. Stay focused on the present decision.

3. Owning the Conversation with Positivity (35:01 - 50:00)

The final step focuses on ending the conversation on a positive note by expressing gratitude and acknowledging the good aspects of the relationship. This approach fosters mutual respect and can alleviate some of the pain associated with the separation.

Notable Quote:

"End your life in a positive way. It will always last longer than you ended in the negative."
— Jefferson Fisher (42:15)

Key Points:

Express Gratitude: Highlight the positive experiences and qualities of the other person. This not only softens the blow but also reinforces that the decision is not a reflection of their worth.
Future-Oriented Positivity: Wish them well for their future endeavors, reinforcing that the end of the relationship is a step towards better paths for both parties.

Fisher's Advice:

Balanced Feedback: Combine the necessity of ending the relationship with genuine compliments. For example, "I've really enjoyed getting to know you and I wish you all the best in your future."

Additional Insights

Beyond the three-step framework, Fisher addresses common fears and misconceptions about ending relationships:

Handling Emotional Reactions (50:01 - 60:00):

Control Over Reactions: Fisher emphasizes that while you can't control how the other person feels or reacts, you can control your approach. It's natural to fear negative reactions, but delaying the conversation exacerbates the situation.

Notable Quote:

"You can't control somebody's feelings. The best thing you can do is be as direct as you can be."
— Jefferson Fisher (55:20)

Key Points:

Acceptance of Emotions: Acknowledge that the other person might feel hurt or angry, but remember that their emotional response is not your responsibility.
Personal Responsibility: Focus on your feelings and reasons for ending the relationship rather than the shortcomings of the other person.

Conclusion (60:01 - End)

Jefferson Fisher wraps up the episode by reiterating the importance of kindness and directness in difficult conversations. By following the three steps—eliminating small talk, getting to the point, and ending on a positive note—you can minimize hurt and maintain respect for both parties involved.

Call to Action: Fisher encourages listeners to practice these strategies in real-life scenarios to become more comfortable and proficient in handling such conversations. He also invites listeners to engage further through his book, "The Next Conversation," and various social media platforms for additional resources and support.

Notable Quote:

"Be as direct as you can be. That's how you end a relationship, whether it's romantic, friendship, work-wise."
— Jefferson Fisher (58:45)

Key Takeaways

Avoid Small Talk: It prolongs discomfort and creates unnecessary anxiety.
Be Direct: Clearly state the purpose of the conversation early on.
Express Gratitude: End on a positive note to preserve mutual respect.
Manage Your Fears: Understand that you cannot control others' emotions, only your approach.

By implementing these strategies, listeners can approach the end of relationships with confidence and compassion, ensuring that both parties leave the conversation with dignity intact.

Transcript

Jefferson Fisher (0:00)

How do you end a relationship? Whether it's for work, whether it's romantic, how do you cut ties with someone? Well, at the end of today's podcast, you're gonna walk away with exactly how to do it. You ready? Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, there's something I want you to do. There is a button wherever you're listening called subscribe or where you're watching, I want you to click it. It's not gonna take two seconds and is because I am promising you that what I'm going to continue to do is deliver value on how to improve your communication skills. And whenever you subscribe or you like or you comment, it tells the platform this is good content. And that's my promise to help deliver good content in a way that is easy, accessible, and hopefully friendly. This episode is brought to you by Cozy Earth. I love Cozy Earth. It's a sponsor because I wear their stuff. Their sheets are on my bed and I travel in it. I wore a sweater, sweatshirt that was a Cozy Earth sweatshirt all throughout my tour. I just got back from the Today show and it was fantastic. You can go to cozyearth.com Jefferson for 40% off. Use the code Jefferson. That's cozyearth.com Jefferson. Use the code Jefferson for 40% off. How do you end a relationship? This is how it typically goes. This is how it typically goes. You come down, you meet with me, we sit down over coffee. You come into my office. So let's just put it. Let's. Let's role play this right now, wherever you're listening, maybe you're walking, you're sitting down. Let's imagine it. You and I come into a space, and I am the one that has to deliver bad news. I'm the one that has to end it. You sit down and I say, so, how. How are you? You good? Yeah. How's your. How's your family and everybody? They all right. Oh. Oh, that's crazy. Yeah. That's crazy, right? And this. This weather at this weather is just doing wild things. I know they said it was going to be hot, but if it wasn't, man. Yeah, had rain. It's crazy. So. So listen, I. I think you're just. You've been such a good, you know, person, and you're so great, and I've really enjoyed getting to know you, and it's. Stop. Timeout. Cut. Is this not just painful? I Mean, I'm the one role playing this, and it is painful for me. It's awkward. It hurts. Ugh. Anytime you need to deliver bad news, the person who has to deliver it is one of the worst feelings, because you know that it's coming. It's the cliffhanger. I bet you you know people, and maybe you're one of them that will delay doing it as much as possible. You will be in a relationship for six months longer than you need to. You'll let that person work with you for six months longer than you need to because you're not sure how you need to end it. You talk to somebody and, like, are you breaking up with that person? Like, ah, yeah, I need to. I just. I don't really know how. And it. It is such a disservice to you. Please stop. I'm going to teach you how to do this. Instead of this horrible. This mush, this quick saying of, I don't know how I'm gonna feel. You have a pit in your stomach when you're brushing your teeth. You're on the commute. Whenever you know you're gonna meet with that person, your heart's just beating in your chest. Stop, Stop. We're gonna clear that up. Number one. First problem is the small talk. Number one, do not begin with small talk. When somebody's coming to sit down with you and you're like, hey, so how are you? Oh, you good? Yeah. How's your. Your pickleball? Did you see that bird the other day? Yeah, man, that's. We always like to say it. That's crazy. Oh, that's crazy. There's nothing crazy. There's nothing crazy about it. Stop doing that. The small talk is one of the worst pain points, because you, as a listener, if you've ever been on the other side of this, you know exactly how it feels. You're like, what's. What's wrong? Something's off. I can tell. We have this sixth sense about us, where we go, nope, something's not right. I can. This is a setup. This is a trap. What's going on? And you're just kind of waiting for the hammer to drop. And what happens is there's small talk, small talk, small talk. And they give you the phrase, you ready? The phrase is, so listen. Boom. And it just tanks from there. They know the bottom has just dropped out. They know that it's. It's the worst thing that could possibly happen. It's not genuine, it's not kind, and it's not honest. Stop doing it instead, in this small talk, what I want you to do is to label the conversation. Label the conversation. You're going to just. You got to turn on the cold water, y' all. You got to turn on the cold water. Sometimes. Sometimes the most kind thing you can do is be the most direct that you can be. Meaning when you delay the hard conversation, you are only making it worse for both of you because you are not operating in a state of authenticity, the quicker you can get to that main point. I just hit my knuckles so hard. Whenever you connect together in a way that does not break your knuckles. Whenever you get really, you bring that time closest to let me rip off the band aid instead of ripping off slowly, you're familiar with that. The better things are going to be. And it's true. It's true. Because while they're waiting for the hammer to drop, you're the one that, let's be honest, the reason you do all that small talk is not for them. It's for you to make yourself feel better, to make you feel a little bit more calm and comfortable. You're doing it for you, when in actuality, it does nothing for them. It only spikes their anxiety. It makes them understand that what all came before, it is just not genuine. It's not true. It was just fluff. Because now you're about to deliver the news you really wanted to do instead of all the small talk, you're going to label the conversation. What does that sound like, Jefferson? It sounds like this is going to be a difficult conversation. This isn't going to be fun to talk about. It sounds as easy as this is going to be a difficult conversation or this is going to be hard. This isn't going to be fun to discuss. I'm not looking forward to this conversation. This might come as a surprise to you. This might come as a shock to you. For me, in my world and my team, anybody, law firm related, otherwise, when they have to deliver bad news, what I ask is they say, you're not going to like this. First thing, the phone call. They say, you're not going to like this. And it allows me to go, okay, I'm ready. And like, mentally, I'm kind of preparing myself to go, okay, all right, let's hear it. And then whatever comes after it is what it is. Instead of leading with the phone call of, hey, so, okay, well, we. We got an issue. It's not just ending a termination. It's not just ending a relationship. It's not just terminating a relationship. It's also Any bad news at all. But I like, I want to focus specifically on ending a relationship today. You hear how small talk is not kind. Being unclear is not kind, even though it tries to make yourself feel better. Label the conversation. You get to sit with them. Let's say in a romantic setting, you need to break up with somebody. It can be as easy as this isn't going to be a fun conversation. Or if it's totally catching them off guard, you can even say this is probably going to catch you off guard. This is going to. This might come as a surprise to you two. Number two, let's move to number two. The first thing out of your mouth after that, you're going to give it a 2 second little break to allow them to ready themselves. And they will. First thing out of your mouth is the news. Is the news in a word context. You're saying we need to let you go. In a romantic relationship, it's we need to break up. Simple. Whatever it is, you have to get to the bottom line immediately. Don't start going back to small talk. Don't start going back to mush. You're going to deliver the hard news. This isn't working out for me. You're not gonna. This isn't working out. That's fine. Deliver the bottom line right out of the gate. Because it is being direct. Remember, bringing connection. So number two is get to the point right away. Number three. So you see how simple that is? I guess it's self explanatory. Get to the point. Number three is. Now you can lead with the gratitude. Now you can bring on the compliments. We always do it backwards. We love to do it backwards. Let's say you and I are in a romantic relationship right now and I'm saying the first thing out of my mouth is I sit down with you and I immediately go into what past tense? Hey, so you, so you're really. I think you're really great and I've really enjoyed, you know, just getting to know you these past few months. What's the first thing you're thinking? What's happening? Oh, we're breaking up. This is terrible. What did I do? And all of a sudden I'm going, no, no, no, it's not you. It's. It's, it's me. You're darn right it's you. I mean it's. When I say it's you, I mean it's me meaning it's me. I'm the one that is leading this conversation. Yes, I'm the one it's not about them. It's not about what they've done wrong. It's not you, you, you, you. You've done terrible stuff. If you're going to do anything number three says, add on gratitude. Now you can add the compliments. Now you can add the positivity because you want to end on a positive note. This is not where you start laying out all the things they've done wrong. When you say, look, this is going to be a difficult conversation. It's time for us to depart ways. You know, you're just, you're not for me. I really don't like. I don't like the sound of your voice. You always come in late. You never get your projects on time. You're not really my cup of tea when you just go, you, you, you, you, you, you. There is nothing left. This person will end up hating you forever. When this might be your last conversation. End the conversation on a positive note, as positive as you can make it. Even if you don't really care for this person. I don't care. End your life in a positive way. It will always last longer than you ended in the negative. If you just want to burn every bit, bridge, bridge, kick, kick down the house. Whatever it is, always in positive. So this is where you get to say, I have, I have to say let's, let's put in example. This is where you might say, I need to have a difficult conversation with you. It's time to let you go here. I just said that I'm going to add on the. You've been a great. You've been a great person. I've really enjoyed getting to know you these last two months and I think I'm really looking forward to your career and where you're going to be headed. It's just not going to be here. Really, really enjoy getting to know you. You see how I am. I am looking forward to whatever the future is for this person. In a romantic setting, it might be. Listen, this is going to be hard to talk about. It's not working for me. I've really enjoyed just getting to know you and I think we've had a lot of laughs and a lot of memories. I know you're going to have an awesome future. This is not going to be. Not going to be together. You hear how that's a whole lot more kind than if I were to say this is going to be hard to talk about. We need to go separate ways. You're just not for me. You're pretty terrible and I Just lay out all of my grievances. That's not the time. That's not the time. So how do we wrap this thing up? How do we end this conversation? Number one, anytime you have to have a conversation where you're breaking things up, ending a relationship, whether it's romantic, work, friendship, skip the small talk. Number one, skip the small talk. Label the conversation. Pour the cold water on it. This is going to be hard to talk about. This isn't going to be fun for either of us. I'm not looking forward to this conversation. Easy as that. You're ripping off the band aid. Number two, get to the point immediately. We need to separate. We need to go our separate ways. I need to let you go. You're off the team. We need to break up in it. And three is own the eye. It's not you. All the things you've done wrong. It's me. I'm talking about me. And I'm going to add on the positive of the things that I enjoyed about us, that is going to be where it is, but it is not going to be continuing on in the future. Far better than the small talk of, oh, you good. So listen, don't do that. It's not kind. Let's be kind in our conversations, especially when it's time for you to break them off. And that's just normal. That's natural. Now, I want to add on this bit about. There might be times where you think, oh, I can't. I can't do that. They're going to hate me. They're going to hate me. Let's talk about that. They're not. They're not. I mean, they might. They might depending on it. What do I know? But they're. They can't do it forever. And you, You. You can't control that. That's my point. You can't control somebody's feelings. My dad would tell me anytime I. I can remember not wanting to do something because of being afraid of somebody else's reaction to things, and I would say, well, dad, they're going to be mad about it. And he'd go, yeah, I guess they'll be mad, all right. So they're going to be disappointed. You go, yeah, I. I guess I'll be disappointed. And it was such a way for me to start thinking of the. Yeah, you know what? He's. That's. It's true. I can't do anything with their feelings. Yeah, they're going to be sad. Yeah, they're going to be sad. And then life's going to continue on. Yeah, they're going to be disappointed, then life's going to continue on. Can't control anything about their opinions for you to say either. What if they're not going to like me because that's why we delay it. Right? We're disappointed of or worried about their reaction. How are they going to feel about it? But you can't carry that. Don't, don't carry the weight of their own feelings. Don't feel their feelings for them. Don't feel their feelings for them. Best thing you can do is be as direct as you can be. That's how you end a relationship, whether it's romantic, friendship, work wise. And this is where I have to say it's time for us to go. You've been great. Listen, you've been great. But it's time for us to end the episode. Thank you for listening as always. If you like to continue on in the conversation, improving your communications, you can go to my social media or my membership. I am really loving the live Q&As and hot seats that I'm able to to do. You can find all the show notes down there at the bottom. Or if you have not yet got my book, the next conversation. I encourage you to do so. As always, you can try that and follow me.