← The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Loading summary
Transcript88 lines
- [00:04]
A
When did making plans get this complicated? It's time to streamline with WhatsApp, the secure messaging app that brings the whole group together. Use polls to settle dinner plans, send event invites and pin messages so no one forgets mom 60th and never miss a meme or milestone. All protected with end to end encryption. It's time for WhatsApp message privately with everyone.
- [00:27]
B
Learn more@WhatsApp.com this episode is for the parents or really anybody who's responsible for little ones. I've brought you the one, the only, Dr. Becky. You know her as Dr. Becky Kennedy. She's a clinical psychologist, bestselling author of the book Good Inside, and founder of the parenting platform Good Inside, which I can promise you, my wife and we both are members of, of the app. She is the millennial parenting whisperer. Dr. Becky, thank you so much for coming on.
- [01:00]
A
I have actually truly been very much looking forward to that. I know we both are guests often on people's podcasts, and it's an easy thing to say, but I feel like obviously we've been friends for a while and I'm so excited to do this.
- [01:10]
B
Yeah, me too. You and I have known each other probably what, over a year at least now? Has it been.
- [01:16]
A
Yeah, probably two, I'd say. Yeah. I feel like when you're old, you know, like us.
- [01:22]
B
Yeah, like us. Yeah, it's, I feel like it's zoned by. It really has been able to support you through every, all the changes that you have, and you've certainly been there for me with all the things that we have going on. To be able to talk to you finally face to face, even virtually, is a true pleasure. So thank you very much for coming on the podcast. I'm excited for all the things I'm about to ask you. I have a lot. So one of the things that you have and I, I think it's in your book, because I know I have it underlined, is that when you realize that misbehavior in kids is, is a skill and not a character issue, things begin to change. I know I'm paraphrasing here.
- [02:06]
A
Yeah.
- [02:07]
B
And I, I, that to me now, you know, for anybody listening, I have two kids ages seven and five. How old are yours, Becky?
- [02:15]
A
Thirteen? Ten and seven.
- [02:17]
B
Yeah. Okay. You got, you're in a different way. Okay. You, we each have at least a 7. 7 year old and you're, you're on a different scale than me. So I, when I read that, when I read that immediately was like, man, that was Powerful because I know with my daughter that happened this morning. Dr. Becky this morning my son having a great just. He's got bedhead, you know, his hair is everywhere and he's just eaten his cereal. And my daughter is just like a tornado. Just anybody who's in her vicinity, she is going to wreck their morning. That's just kind of how it feels sometimes. It's like if you're just in the vicinity, you know, you're gonna, you're gonna get it. But when you put have that line that misbehavior is a skill, not a character flaw, tell me what that means to you, because I love it.
- [03:11]
A
Yeah, so I think, I don't know exactly how I said it in the book, but I think the way I'd say it now is two ways. Because we all feel like need different language. Depends on what hits us is as soon as you start seeing your kid's bad behavior as a sign of what they need and not as a sign of who they are, everything changes. Right? But another thing which is.
- [03:31]
B
Can you say that again? Can you say that again, please?
- [03:33]
A
As soon as you see your kid's bad behavior as a sign of what they need, not as a sign of who they are, everything changes. And I think another very practical way of saying that is that kids acting out where it comes from, it's a skill deficit, not a behavior deficit. So the misbehavior itself, like I don't know if it's so skilled. It's not a skill to hit someone or say I hate you or lie to your parents face. But in all those moments, we tend to very quickly assume, my kid's a bad kid. We tend to collapse a bad thing or a bad behavior into a bad person. And we do that so fast without realizing it. And then we all act based on that framework versus wait, kind of. I have a good kid. They did a ha. They did. I have a good kid having a hard time. And this is a sign that my kid has some skill deficit. There is not a character deficit. We just tend to walk down a very different path after that.
- [04:38]
B
I so much relate to that in my communication stuff. And of course anybody who's listening, they listen for the communication tips. And we're going to talk about the practical stuff is that we do the same thing with our words. You say nice things to someone, instantly you're a nice person. You hear somebody say mean things, incidentally, that's a mean person. Or they say funny things. You're like, that's a funny person. And I hear that in relation to our kids, our kids misbehave. They're a bad kid. You know, a kid says something, they say, thank you, or, yes, sir, no, ma', am, or whatever. Oh, it's a very polite kid. And so it's so easy how we hear one little snippet and we apply that whole label to their whole identity.
- [05:25]
A
That's exactly it. And look, I mean, we could talk about this in parenting and communication. We could talk about this in, like, a world global scale. And, you know, how quickly are to judge. It's happening everywhere. But, you know, know behavior, the thing about it is it's visible. Like, literally, you can see behavior. You see a kid hit, you see your daughter who's a tornado or your son who's a tornado. And when your kid says, you know, you're the worst parent in the world, I hate you. You never do anything fun for me. Right after you, like, took off work and took them to an amusement park, and all you did was ask them to, like, change into their pajamas. That's what, like, provoke this whole moment. You're like, we're just talking about the pajamas I just bought you, right?
- [06:00]
B
Yeah.
- [06:01]
A
What happened? Our brain just takes what's visible behavior and it collapses it into identity, which always inherently invisible, lives inside someone. And then we just start asking the wrong questions and we start intervening in ways that just deepens the problem. Right? Because our initial framework, whether you see behavior as a character deficit or a skill deficit, determines everything you do next. And often people say, well, what do I do? What do I say? And give me a new strategy. Nothing's working if nothing's working with your kid. What I would say is, actually, you don't need a new strategy. You don't need a new script. You definitely don't need me to, like, tell you something to parrot. It's not gonna feel like you anyway. Probably the framework with which you see the situation, that's the thing that's not working. And so we have to start with a framework shift, which is kind of like saying the road you're on is just a bad, unproductive road. So, like, nothing along that road that's an unproductive road is going to help. We need to slow down and switch roads. And once we understand a new road and there's a part of you that says, oh, maybe that is what's going on for my kid now, we can get concrete and think about strategies or different scripts or things to say, but it's actually about switching the road first.
- [07:16]
B
When you say road, is that like the mindset? When you're saying like that, is that. Is that related or is it.
- [07:22]
A
I think so, yeah. I mean, to me, yeah. Mindset, road. Like, I guess, you know, whatever visual makes sense. But, yes, your mindset is the thing you tell yourself. It's your interpretation of what's happening. And so, again, I know. I'm a concrete person, too, because we tend to see what's visible behavior and assume we know everything about the person, what's actually happening, interpretation wise is something I call the least generous interpretation. We all tend to default to that lgi. Like, you see your kid, I don't know, jump on the couch, and you say very kindly, bobby, Bobby, I'm gonna need you to stop jumping on the couch. You're right near that glass table. I don't want you to crack your head open. Whatever we say, and it depends on your kid and their temperament. But I have at least one kid like Bobby. Let's just. And that kid would look at me, smile, and continue jumping on the couch. But this time harder. And what we do is this lgi, least generous interpretation. We say, my kid's a sociopath. My kid's a sociopath. That's it. My kid's a sociopath. They're gonna be in jail, they're disrespectful. And then everything that follows after Jefferson, right. It's nothing to do with my kid jumping on the couch. Everything that happens after is only because that interpretation, in my mind, that least generous interpretation. What do you do if you think your kid's a sociopath? You punish them. You make a random empty you have no intention of keeping, but just feel good to, like, yell out in the moment, and we just end up getting more incendiary with our kid versus mgi. Most generous interpretation. And this is. This is really powerful with any relationship. Just saying, like, what is the most generous interpretation of why my kid would continue jumping on the couch or jump doubly as hard after I said to stop, and there's no right answer. But in that example, again, which is a framework, a thought, a road, whatever you want to call it, maybe I'd say, well, I do know this kid. All kids crave autonomy. This kid of mine, that's basically an orienting principle. It's kind of like Bobby thinks, if I'm not in charge, I'm nobody. And this is almost an existential threat to have to listen to my parent. And also, I don't know, he had a bad day, someone made fun of him at school. And so he's really looking for a moment to feel, you know, extra in power. Once I have that interpretation, it doesn't make the jumping okay. That's what I would say. Oh, so it's okay that they jumped after you said, no? No, it's not about okay. It's just about being effective. But now I might say, oh, well, he's clearly not able to make a good decision. I know, Bobby, I should just go over there and say, if you're not off the couch by the time I get there, sweetie, I will take you off the couch because it's just unsafe to jump near the glass table. And now all of a sudden, I'm acting in a way where I'm on the same team as my kid and I'm actually protecting my kid and helping my kid ver seeing him and kind of treating him like he's my mortal enemy.
- [10:09]
B
This episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth. My favorite thing that I have probably in my house without a doubt right now are my bed sheets. Like, after this episode, I'm going to be going to bed. And you know what sheets are on my bed. That's right, Cozy Earth. And I know you might be saying, well, Jefferson, they're a sponsor. Let me tell you, I liked them before they were a sponsor. That's why they are a sponsor. Because these things keep me nice and cool. And I did not know at this age of my life that bed sheets were going to mean that much to me. Now, Cozy Earth has lots of awesome things. They have lots of pretty much anything you can think of soft, their, their bath towels, their sweatshirts, their hoodies, their pants. There's all kinds of stuff that's fantastic. But I right now really are. I'm digging the bed sheets. You can go to cozyearth.com Jefferson used to go Jefferson and get 40% off. That's cozyearth.com Jefferson use the code Jefferson to get 40% off their trial period, their money back guarantee. Fantastic. You need to go try it cozyearth.com and now let's get going with the episode. In my experience, it's very easy to. When I see maybe my son's acting out my mind out of that fear of every parent wanting their kid to be the best as they can be, a wonderful human, a good citizen. We see that one instance, we see that one instance of their character and I can in my mind see, you know, them at 30 years old making all the terrible decisions and I, all of a sudden I'm blaming myself for who I, in my mind I am, like you said, giving the least generous interpretation of their behavior and now going, okay, well now they're on the path to doing terrible things. Instead of just seeing that one little instance of no, he just wanted a, you know, he wanted an extra piece of gum, you know, like, of just understanding that they're not getting what they want. And I'm. Instead of just looking at that one little instance, I am projecting out a fear that is most likely never going to actually evolve.
- [12:17]
A
Yeah. And I think that particular thing where we see this moment, that's hard with our kid and we fast forward 30 years in our life. The reason that's a big problem is because we respond today with all the feelings we would have for the next 30 years versus just like, oh wait, I have a four year old. Right. And I think it's helpful to get things names like I call that. And I try, I catch myself all the time. Just cause I can talk about this doesn't mean I can, you know, it doesn't mean I can do it. So I'm like, oh, I'm doing the fast forward error. That's just what I call it, fast forward error. Like I'm fast forwarding the worst, least generous scenario. And then if I use that to respond, I'm gonna respond with so much anger. And I'm almost responding. Me and you, Jefferson, both like, we're almost responding just to prove to ourselves we're a good parent. Like we're not actually giving our kid again what they need. And so the flip side that I find very helpful is when your kid acts out. The truth is they're always younger today than they will be in the future. I know that sounds like a really silly thing to say, but it's helpful to me. And what that means is the stakes are always lower today. Whether your kid hits at age 4, you know, I don't know, says I hate you at age 8, cheats on a test at age 13, all of those are lower stakes than when your kid is 18, 25 and 30. And so the good news, right? I think there's a book called the Good News about bad behavior. But really the good news about that is, oh wait, I can actually help my kid build a skill they are clearly missing today before 30 years from now. And then the moment that yes, of course is a hard parenting moment becomes like this really high impact parenting moment where you can actually help your kid become more resilient today and years from now.
- [13:53]
B
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I, I want to ask You. A question on. This is a person. This is. For me, this is a personal.
- [14:00]
A
Yeah, let's do it.
- [14:01]
B
There's. There's nobody listening.
- [14:02]
A
No one's listening.
- [14:03]
B
No one's listening. Just us. So my, my wife and I, with our two kids is. We encourage argument at the house. It's not that we go, oh, yeah, argue. It's that when they, when they do argue, which is often about anything.
- [14:20]
A
Yeah.
- [14:21]
B
You know, he's touching me when he's not. He's near my space when he's not. He has that toy that I haven't. I. I don't even remember it's existed for six years and all of a sudden, you know, he has it is. We allow the argument to happen. So we say, as long as you're not name calling, as long as you're not hitting and as long as you're not kind of bragging that. Look what I got kind of behavior. We allow them to talk because it's like, nope, y' all talk it out. That's usually our phrase. Y' all work it out. Y' all work it out. Because it. We want to teach them these skills now.
- [14:59]
A
Great.
- [14:59]
B
Versus waiting until later. I want to know, since I have you on the clock here with me, what do you think about that?
- [15:07]
A
I mean, I love it. Right? And I think, I think what you're saying, big picture. And then we'll just come back for the sibling rivalry and sibling conflict stuff is I'm parenting for the long run. Like, that's what I always say. At good. Inside, we're very long term greedy. Like, okay, when our kids are 30, they're going to be in a relationship with people they love, and in moments they really don't get along with, they want something that a person has. They're jealous, they're angry, they're disappointed. Like, those skills, managing anger, communicating in a respectful way. Even when you're angry at someone that you want to continue being in a relationship with, nobody gives those skills at 30. Like, no one's like, you're 30. Here's. As you know, here's communication skills. You're 25 here now you know how to manage jealousy. Like these. When parents say to me, well, at what age will my kids stop arguing? At what age will my kids stop freaking out about small things? What I say is like, again, what would you say if someone said, at what age will your kid learn how to swim? Like, there's no. I don't know, like, what are you doing with yours? Right.
- [16:05]
B
Not until they get in the water, you know?
- [16:07]
A
Yeah, like, well, have they learned how to swim? Are they level one? Are they level two? No one just like gets it at an age. We have age wrong. Right. Development, like, and skill building doesn't just unfold. So what you're saying is, how can I set my kids up to know that first of all, there are limits. There are certain things that are never allowed in respectful relationships. And there are other things that are allowed. And honestly, you need time and skills and practice to get better at those things. That doesn't just happen with age. And so what you're saying feels perfectly in line with that overall philosophy. Right. It's also why I'm guessing you're not gonna tie your kids shoes until they're 18 and then expect them to do it at age 18. So I think the other thing around that, that I think about a lot in this kind of age of over functioning for our kids is just what jobs do I want to keep having for my kids over the years and what jobs do I wanna work my way out of and is my behavior as a parent consistent with that? So like, my kids when they're older, like if they're, I don't know, they get fired from a job or they have a breakup, like, I will always be happy if they're like, hey, can I talk this out with you? Like, being there for them in hard moments, always happy to have that job. Like, water bottle, remember? Nope. Like, I know.
- [17:20]
B
Yeah. Where your shoes are.
- [17:21]
A
Not a job.
- [17:22]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [17:23]
A
Picking up the towel, calling the doctor for your own appointment, checking in, ordering at a restaurant and deciding who's right or how to move forward in an argument. Like, I think what happens is we often in the moment with our kids, when they're arguing, the quickest, easiest thing to do is something like, fine. You get the red cup today and you get the red cup tomorrow. Because in the moment they're like, fine. But then we shouldn't be surprised when our kids are like, you know, instead of 4 and 7, now all of a sudden they're like 13 and 16 and they're fighting about who gets the car in the car first. Something that seemed. And we're like, why do you guys keep coming to me? Well, I have locked in this pattern. One kid gets upset at the other. They both come to me. I am the arbiter of who is right. Which not only locks yourself into a role you don't want, but also reflects back to your kid something that we don't realize we're reflecting back which is, I don't think the two of you are capable of solving your own problems, which is why I continue to do it for you. And so not only are we having a job we don't want and depriving our kid of the right to kind of build those skills which they'll need for the rest of their life, we're also kind of saying to our kid that we don't think they're capable of doing something, which is why we. Which again, none of those are things we actually want, but our behavior ends up communicating it. So I love what you're saying. There's rules, there's guidelines, there's limits, and then there's space to figure. Abercrombie Kids knows how to make outfitting easy. Mix and match sets are their ultimate outfit hack for fall. Their sweatshirts and sweatpants are super cozy, and they always have the cutest colors and patterns. Shop fall's easiest outfit at Abercrombie Kids in the app, online and in stores.
- [19:13]
B
Yeah. And, well, one, I'm personally selfishly grateful you approve because if you didn't, we'd be changing some stuff.
- [19:21]
A
If I didn't, you just have to lie to my face for sure.
- [19:24]
B
Absolutely. Second of all is I want to one highlight for everybody listening here. All right. Dr. Becky has an online platform called Good Inside, and this is my plug for it because we use it. We love it. All right. We use it all the time. The book's fantastic. Really love the membership and the community because that's where you get to go deeper. So. And how many people do you have in it now?
- [19:52]
A
We're getting up there, you know, north of 90,000 something.
- [19:56]
B
Yeah. That's incredible.
- [19:57]
A
And I think the thing proudest of which really though is, is I think we're at. It's like 110 countries. So it's. It's just like. It's really. It's amazing how different we are, but how we all struggle with so many things.
- [20:09]
B
Oh, my goodness. Yeah. There's going to be so many Dr. Becky taught kids out there all doing the same thing. Let me tell you some things that for the people listening right now, I want to make sure that they walk away with some very practical tools in terms of behavior, in terms of kids retaliating, in terms of defensiveness. There's something that we like to use here that we got from you, and that is, I see you need help. So you use that phrase when it's. Somebody is struggling. We need you to go, hey, I need you to go Upstairs and go get your shoes on, please. Nothing happens. All right? I've already said it once. I need you to get on. Go get on your shoes. And then if it's. We go, I see you need help. Let me go with you to go. And like, it is. That's when it's. It's kind of like the 1, 2, 3. Like my son, I can go 1, 2. By the time I'm at 2, he's gone. He's. He's a trail of dust. All right. My daughter, she will say three for you. You know what I mean? Like, she's. She has no problem being in your face.
- [21:10]
A
That's right.
- [21:11]
B
Yeah. She's what you would call in. In your community knows this a dfk.
- [21:16]
A
Yes.
- [21:17]
B
And so I would love for you.
- [21:18]
A
To be a failing kid.
- [21:19]
B
Yeah, I want you to talk about that for a second.
- [21:21]
A
I mean, there's so many things in what you just said. So first of all, just. I'll start with listening, and then I'll go to deeply feeling kids. Cause they're definitely a little bit different. They're like my passion project within. The passion project of good inside. Listening is probably, I think, one of the most common. It's one of the most common struggles we have, even though we don't tend to name it in our head because you. But you actually need your kid to listen, like, a million times a day. Right. If you think about all the moments that are hard with your kid, it's probably a transition. Either transition to the table, transition to putting on your shoes, transition out of the house, transition to ending screen time, transition to bedtime. Like, there's a million transitions. And in all those moments, you need your kid to listen. And we all tend to say the same thing. Me too. When I'm complaining to my friends, my kid doesn't listen, my kid doesn't listen. They don't respect me. I was never like this with my parents. We all say the same thing. But I think the reframe that really matters and inherently then changes our strategy is that when we say my kid doesn't listen, we really mean something very different. Because you and I, Jefferson, even your daughter, if you're like, come to the table and you can, I don't know, watch an iPad for, you know, three hours and have an ice cream Sunday, my guess is she wouldn't even. She would not count. She'd be like, right there. And so really, we mean, what happens when I ask my kid to do something I want them to do and they don't inherently want to do. Which just begs the question, well, what do I do in my life when someone I love asks me to do something I don't want to do, but they want me to do? And it's nuanced. It has to do a little bit with the moment and how they ask. But probably even more than that. It has to do with stuff outside the moment and how our relationship feels and how listened to and seen I feel in general in that relationship. And then for kids, it has to do with other stuff too. They can't really hold on to multi step directions. They prioritize the moment more than the future. Like stuff with their immature brain. But going to your daughter, there are these kids, Yes, I call them deeply feeling kids. And this all happened kind of my approach for these kids. Cause I had my second kid and before I had my second, I really, really thought I knew what I was doing. Like I was giving a lot of advice to people and they'd say like, it doesn't work. And you know, to their face I was nice, I was like, well, let's try other things. And in my head I was like, I think you're doing it wrong. You know, judging, judging silently. And then I had my second kid and I was like, oh my goodness, I know what I'm doing and I'm not doing it, quote wrong. This is the same thing I did with my son. But how is it that I do the same thing? And yeah, they are not people pleasing. So when you're like kind of, I'm gonna be disappointed or I'm gonna take away your dessert, they're like, I don't even like dessert. And you're like, oh shoot, I just lost all my power. Right? And they have big expressions. And these kids, I think the key thing to know about them is that they really have a lot of shame next to their vulnerable feelings. So without shame, kids can allow their vulnerability to be seen. You're like, oh, you're having a hard time, you need help. And inside they're kind of like, I do need help. That feels really good to hear right now. Some deeply feeling kids, because of that shame, when you try to help in the moments they need you the most, they can explode. They say things that feel totally out of proportion. I hate you. You're the worst. Get out. You'll never understand me. You don't even want me in this family. And you're like, I, I, I, I literally just am trying to get you to gymnastics class. Like, how did this become about wanting you in this family, like, it gets dark and deep. And I think we then misunderstand those kids further by taking it personally, saying, oh, you're being so dramatic. Why can't you be like your brother? You make everything hard. Which almost confirms their worst fear. See, I am too much and too different for this family in the first place. And kind of we're off to the races. And I think for those kids, I just want parents listening, you know? Cause there's so much more. There's so much more I want to say about that that I can't get on the podcast is just. You're not making it up. These kids really are more explosive. They are more challenging, traditional parenting. Things that help other kids actually don't help these kids. Like, again, you're not like crazy, like, I hope you're like, oh my goodness. Okay, it's not just me. And you are so not alone. You are not the only one with kids like this. Jefferson and I both have kids like this. And honestly, in our good inside program, it's one of the most popular programs because I think it's, you know, a place where again, not only you get help, but you can connect with other parents and with our coaches who really understand those kids. So you're not crazy and you're not alone.
- [25:27]
B
Before we keep going, I want to take a second to tell you about masa Chips. Y'. All these chips. And yes, you might go, Jefferson chips. Yeah, chips. I have been in love with these things. The big difference with masa chips and they're, they're tortilla chips is that they're made with 100 grass fed beef tallow instead of cheap seed oil. So when you eat them, you don't feel like, greasy, you don't feel blah afterwards. And I cannot tell you the amount of times I have opened a bag or gotten out a bag and had just a few, a few. And I go off and do something and I come back and one of my two kids has hurt the bag. Found them and that bag is now empty. They cannot get enough of them. And the best thing about it is you don't feel like you had something to where you feel bad. You feel like you had a real snack and it's not just a bag of empty calories. Masa chips is beloved by tens of thousands of customers and has been endorsed by industry leading health and nutrition experts. So if you're ready to give masa chips a try, which I highly Recommend, Go to masachips.com jefferson and use the code jefferson for 25% off your first order. That's masachips.com jeffson and use the code jeffersonfor 25% off your first order. And now back to the episode. I told my son, this is. This is what he does now. He loves Legos. I was like, all right, man, come on. We need to stop what we're doing and get to the shoes on. We got to go go pick up a friend. And he just goes, no, thank you. No, thank you, dad. Like, that's his big thing. Anytime I ask him to do it, hey, I need you to go take a bath. No, thank you. Like, that is his. And he means it. He really means he's. Ah, thanks, dad.
- [27:17]
A
So what do you do? What do you do?
- [27:18]
B
I usually laugh.
- [27:19]
A
More creative.
- [27:20]
B
Yeah, I usually laugh. I say, well, that is very polite. We need to go. If we do it anyway. Yeah, yeah, okay. But I do give him a little bit of bonus points. But he's. He. He's very much like me. She's very much like my wife. And like, they. We just. The way our brains operate. So to hear them argue, we might look at each other and go, that sounds. That's a little too close to home. Like, we can hear them the. The way they operate. But it's. It's fun to see the little. The little personalities. So I'm curious. What have you found to be in all of your research, all the things you do for your good inside community as well as your books? What are some of the most helpful scripts that you have not only used personally, but you find that most people go, hey, this really is some stuff that works?
- [28:07]
A
Yeah, I think so. I'm gonna start with what I think is the foundation. I think when we're looking for, like, the most helpful scripts or what to say. Honestly, the most important thing is how you talk to yourself. I will definitely give scripts for what to say to your kid, but they won't even come to mind. To use any parent who's like, but I memorize them, and in the moment, I just scream at my kid. What that tells me is we're so triggered in the situation, or we're looking at the situation again through a set of glasses. That's just such a kind of me against you, my kid is the enemy moment. That, of course, when we're in that mindset, we literally don't have access to the things that we learned in a different way. So step one for a script to me, is actually how we talk to ourselves. So, number one, just this idea of most generous interpretation really Helps. And another way of saying that is just, I have a good kid who's having a hard time. I promise you, in any hard moment with your kid, instead of thinking about what to say to them, if you say to yourself, I have a good kid who's having a hard time. And yes, another version of that is I am a good parent who is having a hard time. That is true. You are doing something very powerful in that you are literally separating identity of a good kid from behavior, which is whatever they're doing that indicates they are having a hard time. Because when a kid is hitting, when a kid says, I hate you, when a kid lies to your face, when a kid has a meltdown, you know, at the exact moment that you're with your extended family and you're trying to kind of show off what an amazing family you have, like, all that means is your kid is having a hard time. They're not doing something to you, they are struggling. So that phrase, I have a good kid having a hard time is a very simple way of holding this duality and kind of separating identity and behavior. So that, to me, is the number one script. Okay, then what actually else is really, really helpful to me? Three words are probably. I think there are three words that I would wish every single parent to say to their kid, like, almost every day. And I'll say them. No one really has to write them down because it's three words.
- [30:05]
B
I'm probably going to write them down as we end this.
- [30:07]
A
Just. I believe you. Oh, okay. And in almost every hard moment with our kids, they are really just looking to be believed. I mean, probably in every hard moment between two adults, someone's looking to be believed because our feelings are just so different from other hard moments or hard things that happen. Like if you run and trip and skin your knee and you're like, ouch, right? That, like, really hurts. Like, someone saw you fall, you see blood. Like, you see the scrape. It is so obvious externally what happened, right? It's so obvious what's real. Feelings are unlike anything else in that they. They course through our body in such a visceral, intense way. Like any. Anyone listening? Me and you, Jefferson. Like, I'm sure we have moments where you can remember, like, the way your heart felt, what your stomach felt, like the way your whole body felt, what was going on in your mind. Like, it is more intense than the blood from skinning your knee. But, like, it's not. It's not observable to you or someone else that it's very confusing. And it's really confusing for a kid. Right? And so I often think that validating feelings, which I should say is widely misunderstood as agreeing with feelings or as letting your kid's feelings be in the driver's seat, neither of which good inside stands for. Validating feelings is essentially like saying to a kid, I believe that what you are experiencing is real inside of you. Like, when you say to a kid, and I'll go examples, I believe you. This is gonna get real existential. But I feel like what you're saying to them is, you are real. Which is kind of the thing we're all fighting to feel in our worst moments. And when we don't feel it, we really escalate our behavior just so someone will hopefully believe us. And then they usually invalidate us more and we're in an awful direction. So a bunch of examples, like even that, like, okay, time to go, you know, do bath. No, I'm playing with my Legos. Ugh. I believe you. I believe you. You really want to stay with your Legos? Any of it, right? I had the worst day at school. Oh, why? What happened? I had the worst day at school. The whole day was horrible because I had to go second on the slide. Okay, now you and I are like. Like, really? And this is where we do the fast forward error. Oh, my God. Am I gonna have that kind of kid who can't even tolerate one moment. Am I gonna have. Right. If you actually just say, oh, I believe you, and then you're like, zip it, zip it, and count to 692 in your head before you say anything else. I promise you, your kid will deescalate and you're not setting bad habits. Because you know what helps a kid when they're an adult? Take a small moment and stay calm instead of making it into their whole day. It's their ability to believe themselves. I believe myself. This thing really is hard. Once you do that in something inside your own body, you generally can move on. Like, it doesn't spiral because it's not looking for the thing it needs, which is just belief and acceptance. So I believe you. When your kid is having trouble leaving the house, when they don't want to take a bath, when they tell you, I had a horrible day, when they tell you you're the only parent who whatever it is that they fill in the blank, and you're like, I have four best friends in this town, and I know they're stricter than that. Whatever it is. When you say I believe you, you're not being so literal, that's not even how they take it in. What you're actually saying to them is, I believe that the things you feel are real, and that is the basis of regulation, resilience and confidence. So you get, like, a lot of bang for your buck every time you use.
- [33:47]
C
This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast. Smart move. Being financially savvy. Smart move. Another smart move. Having State Farm help you create a competitive price when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling. Just another way to save with the personal price price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state.
- [34:17]
B
That's so good. So good. I love that. The A phrase. I want to say that we got it. I feel like everything we've done, we got from you with our kids is, that's a bummer. Like, so we'll have.
- [34:31]
A
Yes.
- [34:32]
B
My. My son or daughter, they'll complain about something and they don't want to go do it. And I go, I know, that's a bummer. Like, just that right there. It's like, oh, okay. They just. It's like they get it out right then. Now they don't really complain about it anymore. But as long as I'm like, yeah, that's a bummer. I agree. It's. My daughter's really quick to go, this is the worst day ever. And I'm like, I know, it's a bummer.
- [34:54]
A
Bummer. I know. And that's a version. This is what I love when parents tell me, like, to me, I believe you. They're literally words I say, but there's so many extensions that whether you're you, Jefferson, or someone else, you're like, this is my version. Like, for me, my version of that's a bummer. That feels very much me. I'm like, oh, that stinks.
- [35:09]
B
Yeah.
- [35:09]
A
Oh, that stinks. When that happens. All my friends are in the same class next year, and I don't. Oh, that stinks. Right? And then I think what that speaks to also, and why it's so powerful to have it as a period versus, like, adding a solution after is feelings in general. Right? Feelings are looking for support, not solutions. And when they don't get support, they will. If you think about feelings as like a living thing in your body, they will get bigger and bigger and go to more and more dramatic ways to get support. And a lot of us, we approach Our kids feelings with solutions. Right. Where, oh, I take a bath. I heat baths. Oh, it's not that bad. I'll give you a light show. I'll do this. Hey, there are kids without running water. All of that is true. Usually just. Just doesn't help in the moment. Because they're all solutions. They're solutions to move through the feeling more quickly. Or they're almost solutions. Like we say to our kid, it's like a solution to not feel the feeling. Even though in a weird way it's like, well, my kid's already feeling the feeling. It's hard to not do something that's already happened. Right. So if you just remind yourself this is looking for a support, not a solution, you're gonna say, that's a bummer. Oh, that stinks. This is your least favorite part of the day. I get that. I believe you. They're actually kind of all quote, script versions of, again, the same principle coming to life.
- [36:25]
B
Same vibe. Same vibe, Same vi, same thing. Yeah. And you're the feelings want to be supported, not solved kind of thing.
- [36:34]
A
It's.
- [36:34]
B
It's the reason why I like that's a bummer is because I'm not telling her that she should not feel that way. I'm not trying to argue with her of like the worst day. What are you talking about? I just bought you this. We just got this. I just had like all the. I just got you a snow cone that had ice cream in it. Like that. We never do that. Like, what are you talking about? Instead of that. Instead of that. Which does nothing. It's just the. I know, that's a bummer, right? Yeah. Okay, well, let's. That's. Can I give one more script, please?
- [37:07]
A
That's really helpful.
- [37:08]
B
That's what we're here for.
- [37:08]
A
Yeah, great. You really wish. And I'll show some examples of how you could fill that in. But that's the starting script. You really wish. And I'll tell you also the long term impact. So let's say I don't know when my kids were younger. This is when my kids. I can't even tell you the number of mornings he's like, I want ice cream sundae for breakfast. Just like not one of our breakfast options on the usual except for birthdays, when my kids can choose anything they want. And meanwhile, just so you know, it's not like we have some like super healthy house. Like my kids have basically sugary waffles that just feel more breakfast to me than ice cream sundaes. But ice Cream Sunday. Just, it feels like a little much, you know, I want an ice cream Sunday. I want ice cream Sunday. Ugh. All my friends get ice cream sundaes. Obviously it's not true, right? And I would say to him, right, in addition to holding the boundary, Cause that's the other thing about good inside that I just want to make sure it gets in here. Like, we are equally about validating feelings, which we're talking about as we are about holding boundaries. This is where we've overcorrected as a world. We've gone from kids feelings not mattering to kids feelings dictating our decisions. I would say both extremes are equally bad for children. Where what's in the middle is I can see my kids feelings as real and I can still know I'm the pilot of the plane. Like, you know, just because the passenger is freaking out doesn't mean I need to freak out or I need to change directions, right? So, okay, so I was not giving ice cream Sundays for breakfast. And one of the lines I'd say here and there, it's just like, oh, you really wish you could have ice cream. I get it. You really wish.
- [38:28]
B
Yeah.
- [38:29]
A
I remember the morning that he came out to me and the first thing he said was, I really wish I could have an ice cream sandwich for breakfast. When you use the language of wishing and don't use it like a million times a day, but when you're a kid again, you're walking by the toy store and you say no, and then you just pop in, that's like, oh, you really wish we could go there. When you use it enough, there will be a day for the first time, instead of your kids saying I hate you or having a meltdown, they say to you, I really wish blank. And the thing about that language, that is so much more powerful than we might know, but now you know it, so it's planted in your head is as soon as you wish something as a human, you know it's not happening. You've accepted reality. Anytime you have a wish, right? Like it's. So when your kid is able to verbalize a wish, they are regulating their disappointment in not being able to have something and it will transfer. So it started showing up more places. We have to leave the park. Oh, mom, really? I wish we could stay longer. And I remember I was like, hold on a second. You used to have a meltdown. And it's interesting, you might have whined now, but you don't go from not melting down to overnight saying it is True. We have been here for an hour and a half. Thank you for giving me this time. It's time to leave the park. No, that's not like an overnight change. And what's in between melting down and gratitude is actually this idea of wishing. And so when you use the language of wish with your children, you wish you could have a sleepover tonight. You wish you could watch tv, you wish we could have ice cream. You wish you could stay at the park. You will notice a day when they use it for you. And I promise you, when that happens, that is just a massive kind of regulation achievement.
- [40:11]
B
I want to take a second to tell you about Momentous. Momentous is a sponsor of this podcast that I used long before it was ever a sponsor. They are so much more than a supplement nutrition company. They make the science of better performance simple. And they do things for athletes, but all the more they do stuff for just normal people. I am at an age, and maybe you're at an age right now listening where you go. You know what? I don't get enough of the nutrition that I need throughout the day. Yeah, that's why they make vitamins, because our day is crazy. It's chaotic, right? You got kids, you got job, you got work. There's all kinds of chaos all the time. So for somebody like me, I need supplements and vitamins to make me healthy in a normal human. And I use all kinds of their products. Their lineup is simple and powerful. I use their magnesium, l threonate for brain support. I use creatine for recovery. I use their whey protein to keep my nutrition dialed in. I use a lot of their stuff, their sleep stack omegas, you name it. And here's the thing. Every product is third party tested, NSF certified and designed for people who actually care about what goes into their body. I don't have to overthink the supplements. I want clean, effective, trustworthy. And that's exactly what I get with Momentous. I want you to go to livemomentous.com use the code Jefferson and get up to 35% off your first subscription. That's livemomentous.com use THE CODE JEFFERSON. Momentous. When your moment matters, make it count. And now back to the episode. We had been really big on using our breath and teaching. First our son of. You know when you're getting really worked up because he's our big feeler, he feels everybody's emotions. So he doesn't want to. He won't do something if sister doesn't get it because he Feels like she's going to be disappointed. He feels everybody's emotions. Daughter feels nobody's emotions, cares about nobody's emotions. And so it's. It's such a fun dynamic. But to your point, he was upstairs one time, and she's getting really worked up about something, and we just hear take a breath like that. He was from upstairs telling her to take a breath, shouting, Shouting down at her. And we're like, okay, well, that's. He's not wrong. But let's. Let's talk about it a. A different way. Hearing your kids. The point is, your kids really do absorb it. They really do what you pour into them. They may not show up right away, but over time, it really does.
- [42:39]
A
And just to double click on that, it does not show up right away. When I say to my son, look, by the time I get over the couch, if you're not off the couch, sweetie, I will pick you up and put you on the ground because it's not safe to jump near the glass table. Which, by the way, I would say, like a parenting intervention, if you're doing it right. A plus. My children have never said to me, like, when I get over to the couch, like, you're right, it's time to get off. Or, you know what? You're such a sturdy parent. I appreciate you protecting me when I'm not able. No, they scream, they cry. When I say, you really wish? It's not like the next day they say, I do wish. Thank you for explaining to me that way. Like, I think because we don't and we haven't been educated, that's why we haven't really gotten a good education as parents in parenting and child development at all. They just are like, hope you have a car seat, which we should have at the hospital. Like, that's it. As if a car seat's gonna, like, teach us all the things about parenting. I think we have a better understanding of how long it takes a kid to learn how to swim than we do how long it takes a kid to learn how to regulate their emotions. And while swimming, for sure, is, like, a very important life skill, I would say regulating your emotions is an even more important life skill. And I don't know about you, but people say, like, how long Til my kid doesn't have tantrums? And like, okay, Dr. Becky, whether it's. Yeah. Your app or this therapist I'm seeing, whatever it is, it's a lot of money, actually. It gets interesting. We spend a lot of us. I'm, like, looking like I'm telling a secret. Spend a lot of money on our kids, swim lessons, and we tolerate them not swimming for a long time. And the reason we do that is because we understand the arc. We understand a first couple swim lessons. My kid's not swimming in the deep end. They're not even. Maybe they're not even bringing their head in the water. Right.
- [44:18]
B
But we have some of the.
- [44:20]
A
Yeah, right. We have an understanding of how it goes. And so we're like, this is an investment and it's going to pay off. And I don't expect it to pay off now. And I know it will eventually. Some kids swim in a short time. Some kids take a while. Same thing for regulating their emotions. Some kids, even the short time is still years till it shows up. Deeply feeling kids. They're like the kids who take a long time to swim. Doesn't mean they're gonna be worse swimmers, but it does take them longer.
- [44:46]
B
Yeah. Or even more. So when is my kid gonna stop having tantrums? Well, are you keeping them from getting in the pool? You know, like, are you right? Are you. Are you stopping? That's the very kind of behavior that you want to hear and that you want to see, that you want to demonstrate for them. Oh, no, no, no, don't. You can't get in the pool. You can't learn this. No, stay out. How else are they supposed to learn to regulate and to learn to communicate.
- [45:09]
A
And just to go further. And this is why, like, when people say to me, but are you about punishments and sending your kids to their room? And when I haven't say, no, not really. It doesn't mean I don'. I mean, I'm a human. Everyone once in a while yells, like, go to your room. No dessert tonight. Or whatever. We do mostly just because we feel desperate, you know, in that moment. But in swimming, let's take a kid who doesn't know how to swim and they're in the pool, and you're like, with your kid in the pool and other kids their age are swimming. I don't know. One parent, Jefferson, who sees you in the pool and it's like, jefferson, your son still can't swim. And you're just gonna be with him. Like, I think you're reinforcing. You're basically telling him it's okay that he's the only kid who swim. Oh, you're spending extra time with him in the pool tomorrow. Oh, Mike. Oh, Mike. You should send him. You should send him to his room and just tell him to learn how to swim and come out when he can swim like other kids. You'd be like, you are the type of person I shouldn't be friends with. Like, that's a weird thing. Like, it's crazy. Making it doesn't make any sense. And so it's not that, like, zero part of me is soft. I actually just think again, if bad behavior is a skill deficit, not a character deficit, that nobody has ever learned new skills by being sent away to their room. Like, you actually need to learn them and you need to practice them, which is, yeah, what we're kind of all about.
- [46:26]
B
Dr. Wright, this is fantastic. I have been wanting to have this time with you, to be able to share it with our community and audience, and it's just been fantastic. It did not disappoint. I know you have the busiest schedule, and also, your kids book is awesome. We read it as a family probably not too long after it came out. So it's a book all about hitting and with the fire truck. So I give everybody the title of it again.
- [46:57]
A
It's called that's My Truck. So that's my. And can I say one really, really quick, please? I hate the thing. I just want every parent to know, okay. It is so easy to hear all this stuff and be like, oh, that's it. I just. I messed up my kid forever. I never said I believe you. I think I've messed them up forever. I've been sitting in a room. Truly, the thing I believe more than anything else about good inside is, I mean, this is that we're experts in imperfect parenting, like repair. Knowing how to go back. Knowing how to go back to a moment that felt bad. And repair is like kind of the ultimate parenting strategy to get good at, which means you can't even get good at the ultimate strategy if you don't mess up in kind of an ongoing way. And so there's no perfection here. I definitely don't do all this stuff I'm talking about with you with my own kids all the time. But what I do try to say in the back of my head is, okay, it's not too late. I can repair and move forward from there. And so I just want to make sure everyone leaves knowing that.
- [47:48]
B
Absolutely. I want to make sure before we wrap up, where can they find you? How can they find good inside?
- [47:52]
A
Dr. Becky we make it pretty easy. We call everything basically the same thing. So you can go to goodinside.com and from there you can find out about, you know, our children's book and adult book the email we send out weekly, our free email of my podcast and yes, our app based membership, everything. It's just all@goodinside.com and I also just love, you know, on DM on Instagram, Dr. Beckyoodinside. It's all one thing, like sending me a note like, oh, I like this part of the podcast or I had questions about this. Like I really still do check that and really do monitor it and love to hear from real people and so.
- [48:27]
B
Please, please reach out and I can attest she's just as nice as she sounds. I promise. She's fantastic. Dr. Becky, thank you so much for your time. I always wrap up our episode in really three short little snipp as is kind of my thing. This is what I've learned. I want to make sure that you agree. Number one, when you feel misbehavior, you get misbehavior from your kid. That is a skill deficit. It is not a character deficit. Number two is anytime you need to reshift as a parent, it's that mindset or road as you talked about, just a decision to take a different road. And that is I am a good parent having a hard time or I have a good kid having a hard time. And number three, if there are three words that we can instill in every parent right now today, it's for them to use the phrase I believe you. And if they use it, magical things can happen in the relationship between them and their children.
- [49:22]
A
That's really great. Amazing. No notes.
- [49:25]
B
Okay. Awesome. Very cool. Well, thank you so much for having me and or for coming on and we'll be in touch. Thanks, Dr. Becky.
- [49:33]
A
Thanks, Jefferson.