How to Accept a Compliment - The Jefferson Fisher Podcast

Summary5 min read

The Jefferson Fisher Podcast: How to Accept a Compliment

Release Date: November 12, 2024

Introduction: The Power of Compliments

In the episode titled "How to Accept a Compliment," hosted by Jefferson Fisher from Civility Media, listeners are guided through the nuanced art of both giving and receiving compliments. Fisher emphasizes that a well-delivered compliment can uplift someone's entire day, while a poorly handled one can have the opposite effect. The episode aims to equip listeners with actionable strategies to enhance their communication skills, ensuring that compliments become meaningful exchanges rather than mere formalities.

Accepting Compliments Gracefully

Fisher begins by addressing the common pitfalls people encounter when receiving compliments. He outlines three primary strategies to accept compliments effectively:

Express Gratitude Without Downplaying
Instead of diminishing the compliment, Fisher advises simply saying "thank you" and sharing what the compliment means to you.

“Instead of downplaying it, you're going to say thank you and tell them what it means to you.” (02:15)

Example:
If someone remarks, "That's an awesome looking shirt," rather than responding with defenses like, "Oh, I got it at Dillard's," Fisher suggests saying, "Thank you. That makes me feel good. I like it too."
Appreciate Without Deflection
When compliments are offered, especially in professional settings, it's tempting to deflect or dismiss them. Fisher recommends acknowledging the compliment and expressing appreciation.

“Instead of dismissing or deflecting the comment, you're going to say thank you and tell them that you appreciate it.” (05:30)

Example:
If a colleague says, "You did well in the meeting," instead of replying, "I was just doing my job," respond with, "Thank you. I appreciate that. It means a lot to me."
Value the Compliment Without Self-Criticism
Avoiding self-deprecation when receiving praise is crucial. Fisher emphasizes the importance of valuing the compliment fully.

“Instead of being self-critical, you're going to say thank you and tell them how you value the compliment.” (08:45)

Example:
If someone compliments your cooking, instead of saying, "I should have seen how many times I got it wrong," respond with, "Thank you. I appreciate that. Thank you for noticing. That means a whole lot to me."

Non-Verbal Communication: Embracing the Compliment

Beyond verbal responses, Fisher highlights the significance of non-verbal cues in accepting compliments. He critiques the common habit of dismissing compliments through body language, such as turning away or shaking one's head. Instead, he suggests a more open and accepting posture.

“Instead of shooing it away with your hand, I want you to get used to getting your hand and putting it on your chest.” (12:30)

By placing a hand on the chest, you signal genuine acceptance and appreciation, making the interaction more heartfelt and meaningful.

Giving Compliments with Intention

Transitioning to the act of giving compliments, Fisher outlines key principles to ensure that compliments are both sincere and impactful:

Be Specific
Generic compliments often feel insincere. Fisher encourages offering detailed praise that highlights particular aspects.

“Whenever you give these surface level general compliments, like, good job out there, Good job today,” (15:50)

Example:
Instead of saying, "Good job on the presentation," opt for, "Wonderful job clearly identifying the mission in your presentation," or "Great job making everyone feel included. I was really locked in."
Make It Personal Through Observation
Observing and complimenting specific character traits or actions makes the praise more meaningful.

“You're going to need to be thinking very specific because the more specific you are, the more personal it feels to the other person.” (18:20)

Example:
Compliments like, "I admire your kindness," or "I love the patience you showed in that meeting," are more impactful than commenting solely on physical attributes.
Avoid Comparisons
Comparing someone to others can undermine the sincerity of the compliment. Fisher advises steering clear of phrases that imply you wish to emulate the other person.

“Try to stay away from comparisons. When you say, 'I wish I could look as good as you,'” (21:10)

Such comparisons can inadvertently highlight insecurities and shift the focus away from genuine praise.

Handling Backhanded Compliments

A significant portion of the episode addresses the challenge of receiving backhanded compliments—statements that appear complimentary but carry a hidden insult. Fisher provides a three-step approach to effectively manage these situations:

Pause and Reflect
When confronted with a backhanded compliment, take a moment to process before responding. Repeat the comment to place the onus back on the giver.

“You're going to just take five to seven seconds. You're going to repeat what they said.” (25:00)

Example:
If someone says, "You're smarter than you look," respond with, "I'm smarter than I look," prompting them to reconsider their statement.
Seek Clarification
For more egregious backhanded compliments, directly ask if the person intended to make that remark.

“You’re going to ask this: Did you mean to say that out loud?” (28:15)

This tactic often causes the speaker to reevaluate and retract their comment.
Maintain Composure with Gratitude
Alternatively, choose to respond with a simple "thank you," demonstrating confidence and control over the interaction.

“You can just say thank you, and you're going to want to be the one that contains all of and keeps all of the control.” (30:45)

This approach not only defuses the situation but also reinforces your self-assuredness.

Conclusion: Embracing the Gift of Compliments

In wrapping up, Fisher reiterates the key takeaways from the episode:

Receiving Compliments: Accept them with gratitude, avoid deflection or self-criticism, and use both verbal and non-verbal cues to show appreciation.
Giving Compliments: Ensure specificity, personalize your praise through observation, and steer clear of comparisons to maintain sincerity.
Handling Backhanded Compliments: Utilize strategic responses to maintain control and reinforce your confidence, ensuring such remarks no longer undermine your self-esteem.

Jefferson Fisher encourages listeners to practice these strategies to transform their communication, making every conversation a potential catalyst for positive change.

Note: Portions of this summary incorporate direct quotes and timestamps based on the podcast transcript to provide accurate and attributed insights shared by Jefferson Fisher.

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Transcript1 lines

[00:00]
Jefferson Fisher
The right compliment can change your entire day. A bad compliment can ruin it. But how do you give a compliment? How do you accept a compliment? And what do you do when the compliment is backhanded? On today's episode? As you can guess, they're all about compliments. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm going to ask you to follow this podcast and if you would please leave a review. If you have any topic suggestions, just throw them in the comments and I'll be sure to read them. I also want to remind you that my book, the Next Conversation is officially out on pre order and the links for it are down there in the show notes. The next time that someone gives you a compliment, here's what I want you to do. Number one, instead of downplaying it, you're going to say thank you and tell them what it means to you. For example, if I were to say that's an awesome looking shirt, instead of saying this whole thing, oh, I got it at Dillard's, off the sales rack or this is, this is so old, I got this seven years ago, you're going to say thank you. That makes me feel good. I like it too. Number two, instead of dismissing or deflecting the comment, you're going to say thank you and tell them that you appreciate it. For example, if somebody were to compliment you at work, instead of saying I was nothing or I'm just doing my job, you're going to say thank you. I appreciate that. That means a lot to me. And number three, instead of being self critical, you're going to say thank you and tell them how you value the compliment. For example, if somebody were to say compliment your cooking, you made a meal for them. Instead of saying I should have seen how many times I got it wrong or you don't mean that, you need to just say thank you. I appreciate that. Thank you for noticing. That means a whole lot to me and you can really just never go wrong with a short and simple thank you. The key with compliments is learning how to accept them, not send them away. That's what we typically do. When somebody gives you a compliment, what do you, what do you do with your facial expressions? Most of the time you go ah, so you do that non verbal. You kind of throw it away. You get it and you're like I don't deserve that. You get out of here. No, that's not, that's you don't mean that. In many ways, that is just sending a gift away. Imagine that somebody has made something for you that you like, you want, you want to hear, you want to hold, and they give it to you. And instead of taking it, you feel you're not worthy enough and you go, I don't, I don't want that. Get that, get that out of here. It is in many ways just sending a gift away. Because when somebody's complimenting you and they mean it, it's a gift. It really is. And when you send it away or say that you're not worthy of it or you don't deserve it, it hurts the other person, all right? Because that's a gift of a giving spirit to you. Instead, this is what I want you to do. Instead of shooing it away with your hand, I want you to get used to getting your hand and putting it on your chest. All right? Putting your hand on your chest. So if somebody gives you a compliment, it's much easier to say, thank you so much. That means so much to me. You're taking it in, you're accepting it. You're saying that this right here is touching me. Instead of get out of here, it is you touching your chest. And that is a non verbal signal that you have taken it, accepted it, and put it to your heart and say, hey, that means a whole lot to me. You see the difference? It really, really makes a big, significant impact. When somebody's giving you a compliment instead of sending it away, you're accepting the gift. Now that's receiving compliments. But giving compliments, well, that's a little bit different, a little bit trickier. I'm going to give you the short and sweet of it. Number one, be specific. If you're going to give a compliment to somebody, be specific. Instead of just saying, good job, and you say they're thinking in their mind, good job about what? What, what did I do? Well, it's. Whenever you give these surface level general compliments, like, good job out there, Good job today. Hey, you look great. You need to follow up with the why? Why do they look great? Why did they do a good job? You need to be thinking very specific because the more specific you are, the more personal it feels to the other person. Instead of just saying, hey, good job on the presentation, instead, it's a wonderful job in the way you clearly identify the mission of what you're going for here, or wonderful job making feel everybody included in that presentation. I was really locked in. You see the difference? Be Specific. Number two, you want to find ways to make it feel extremely personal. And you do that about being observant. Be observant on the little bitty things. Don't, don't look for compliments that everybody else gives. Most of the time, people want to find, in my opinion, they say something about your clothes or they want to know where you got that thing or how much was that thing. Those are nice. I'm not saying they're bad. I don't think a compliment can be bad if it's genuine and sincere. I'm just encouraging you to go for the minor details that not many people see. And a lot of that times that means you're not saying something that is tangible. You're saying something that is a character trait. So, I mean, I really admire your, the, the kindness that you showed so and so. I love the patience that you had. I saw how you shared this idea with so and so and you gave them a chance. You see how you, you find the ways that notice character traits of somebody rather than the physical attributes means a whole lot more. And number three, this one is an important one. Try to stay away from comparisons. When you say, oh, I wish I could look as good as you, or I wish I could have done X, Y, and Z, I wish I had the confidence you had. Get rid of those, because it's truly you just saying insecurities. At least that's the way they're going to perceive it, and it just really makes it about them. That's not, that's not a gift. That's like you giving them a gift of I don't know anything. And you say, I wish I had that. You're the one that's supposed to be giving the gift with a full heart, so eliminate the temptation to compare yourself. I understand it's to make them feel better in some way. Make them feel like they're higher and you're lower. Don't do that. It just, it doesn't feel nearly as sincere. Instead, you just need to say it without the comparison. Got it? Cool. We're now at my favorite part of the podcast, and that's where I get to read a question from a follower. Those that are part of my newsletter are able to ask me questions and I'm able to answer them. And if you're not part of my newsletter, I'm going to encourage you to do that. You can go ahead and sign up there in the show notes, and if you have a question, just email me. I'd be happy to email you back and it's a whole lot of fun for me. I am happy to tell you that this segment of the podcast is sponsored by a company called Cozy Earth. And Cozy Earth is a sponsor of this podcast because, well, I use their products. Their bed sheets are on my bed right now. I am a terribly hot sleeper and their sheets are some of the coolest temperature wise that I found and I am in love with them. My wife loves their products. She loves their pajamas. The sweatshirts are great, the hoodies are great. And so if you're looking for something to keep you warm and cozy and comfortable, there's a reason it's called Cozy Earth. So if you're looking for something this holiday season, I encourage you to try them out. You can go to cozyearth.com jefferson or and use the code jefferson for 40% off. That's cozyearth.com Jefferson and use the code Jefferson for 40% off. All right, today's question from a follower is from Rob. He's down in Florida. Rob says, hey, man, love your content. Thanks, Rob. I need your help. I tend to be the victim of backhanded compliments at work. Typically there's what happens in a meeting where there is multiple people and I lock up and I don't know what to say. I tend to just laugh it off. But I love to have some phrases that I can use when it happens. Thanks, Rob. I am, I'm sorry about that, dude. I don't, I don't like that at all. So we're going to, we're going to knock this out right now. We're going to put an end to those. When somebody's giving you a backhanded compliment. Well, for those that don't know a back can, a compliment is something that it sounds like a compliment on its face, but beneath the surface, there's a tone, a tone that is sarcastic, A tone that you can tell it's not really genuine and it's meant as a slight at you. It's not, it's not a flower, it's a dagger kind of thing where it's, it's not meant to be something nice for you. Here's what I want you to do, Rob. Number one, when that happens, I want you to just take five to seven seconds. You're going to take a little breath. You're going to let that comment just fall to the ground and you're going to repeat what they said. So, Rob, let's say that they. Someone tells you, you know, Rob, you're smarter than you look, man. If they meant it as a slight, you can easily just take a beat and repeat back to them, say, I'm smarter than I look. And that's going to put the ball in their side of the court. Now, all of a sudden, the spotlight on you, the spotlight is going to be on them, that everybody's going to think, yeah, what did you mean by that? And it's going to give them a choice. Are they going to double down on it? Are they going to clarify it? Most of the time, Rob, what they do is they clarify it. They kind of fumble over their words and they go, well, I mean, you know, I just blah, blah, blah, blah. And they're going to realize that that kind of stuff isn't going to fly with Rob anymore. I'm not gonna mess with him. I'm not gonna say that kind of thing to him. Also, if. Let's put it as number two, Rob, if they give you a backhanded compliment that you find is really egregious as something that is really rude, I want you to do this. Let's. Let's put it in terms of. I'm trying to think of a backhanded compliment. Let's say they said something like, well, I'm surprised. I'm surprised you caught that. I'm surprised you did. X, Y and Z. They're surprised at something that should be really normal, and they really put it as a put down on your intelligence. Most backhanded compliments are criticizing people's intelligence. When that happens, I want you to be encouraged to say this. You're going to ask this. Did you mean to say that out loud? Did you mean to say that out loud? It just catches them totally off guard. Again, it puts the spotlight all back on them. And often they typically apologize or they will say something like, what I meant was, and they'll trip over their words. And again, they'll know, I'm not going to say that with Rob anymore. Number three, here's another one. You just say, thank you. Say thank you. It's a confidence move, Rob, when somebody gives you a backhanded compliment and you just, you know that it's a backhanded compliment, you can just say, well, thank you. Thank you. And it's this move of saying, I know what you meant and you know what I meant, but I'm just going to choose to take the high road that you're not going to hurt my confidence in some way. So you just say thank you, and you're going to want be the one that contains all of and keeps all of the control when it comes to those situations. So you're not going to be left the victim of that anymore. All right? And if they keep doing it, just you tell them to call me. That's what we'll, that's what we'll do. But yeah, follow those three steps, Robin. You're going to be in a good place, brother. Thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast. If you enjoyed this podcast, I'm going to ask you to follow it. And if you would please leave a review. Leave a star are any way to support it really makes a difference for me. Today we learned that if you want to accept a compliment, you need to not throw it away. Don't discard it with your hand. You need to put your hand on your chest and accept it and say things like, I appreciate that. Thank you so much. It means a lot to me. That makes me feel good. You're not going to dismiss it, deflect it, or be self critical of yourself if you want to give a compliment. Number two, we learned that you're going to be specific, be observant and make sure that you don't complain. Compare yourself between you and the other person. And number three, when it comes to backhanded compliments, like I said to Rob, you want to make sure that you are the one that stays in control. So you can just say thank you and make it a control that you're the one with all the confidence. Or you give it about 5, 7 seconds and say, did you mean to say that out loud? And that's the way you're going to handle a backhanded compliment. And as always, you can try that and follow me.