The Jefferson Fisher Podcast

Episode: "How to Sound Assertive Without Sounding Rude"

Release Date: January 13, 2026
Host: Jefferson Fisher (Civility Media)

Overview

In this episode, Jefferson Fisher tackles one of the most frequent questions he receives: How can you communicate assertively without coming across as rude? Through relatable analogies, memorable examples, and practical strategies, Fisher breaks down the concept of assertiveness into understandable components. He shares actionable methods to help listeners express themselves with confidence and respect—striking the ideal balance between being too passive and overly aggressive.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Assertiveness as a Spectrum (00:54)

• Fisher explains assertiveness is not aggression or passivity but sits between, where mutual respect is upheld.
  • Aggression: "I don’t respect you."
  • Passivity: "I don’t respect myself."
  • Assertiveness: "I respect both you and myself."

2. The Power of Tone (01:40)

• Tone is 98% of Assertiveness: According to Fisher, how we sound is far more important than what we say.
• Music Analogy: He compares tone to piano keys and different music genres—gentle is passive, slamming is aggressive.
  • “If it’s really aggressive, you know that it sounds aggressive. If it sounds really passive, you also know.” (02:30)
• Assertive Tone Technique:
  • Fisher demonstrates that assertive statements end with a “downward curve” in the voice.
  • Avoid ending sentences with an upward lilt, which makes you sound unsure or turns everything into a question.
  • Memorable Example: “I want you to think of a piano…And imagine if I gently press on the keys… Or maybe you’ve had an animal, a cat walk across it and it’s jarring…” (01:47–02:35)
• Practice Tip: End your statements on a lower register, as if punctuating with a period, not a question mark.
  • “If you want to sound more assertive, less question marks and more periods. You with me?” (05:52)

3. Framing with “I Need” Statements (09:59)

• Clarity through Roadmapping: Start assertive conversations by stating exactly where you’re going.
  • Road-Mapping Example: “I need to tell you this. We need to make a hard business decision.” (10:21)
• Contrast with Indirect Speech: Fisher juxtaposes confident statements with hesitant, indirect phrasing:
  • Indirect: “So I was thinking I could tell you some stuff that’s…on my mind, but it’s not that big of a deal, but if you don’t want to…” (11:10)
  • Assertive: “I need to tell you something. I need to have a hard conversation with you. You’re not going to like what I’m about to say.” (11:47)
• Action Step: When you need to deliver a difficult message, begin with “I need…”
  • “Whenever you begin with I need, it is you taking all of your chips and pushing them onto the table and saying, ‘This is what I need.’” (12:40)

4. Assertiveness is About Subtraction, Not Addition (17:11)

• Focus on the Message: Assertiveness isn’t about piling on words, justifications, or apologies. Instead, it’s about stripping communication down to what's essential.
  • “Assertiveness subtracts...It takes away the explanations. It’s talking without the excessive apologies. It’s talking without the defensiveness. It’s talking without the overexplaining.” (17:18)
• Overseasoning Analogy: Just as overseasoning ruins a dish, overexplaining, excessive cussing, sarcasm, and passive-aggressiveness mask your message.
  • “Nobody’s going to get the message. They are only going to taste the seasoning.” (19:41)
• Adverbs Weaken Assertiveness: Words ending in "-ly" (literally, really, basically) “water down” the impact of your statement.
  • "Every adverb you use is a piece of ice in the drink...Serve your words neat." (22:50)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Spectrum of Assertiveness:

  • “Aggression says I don't respect you. Passive says I don't respect myself. Assertiveness is somewhere in between.” (00:57)

• On Tone:

  • “Just take the word okay. If I say okay, or okay, or okay—same word every single time. Very different communication, very different message that gets sent across.” (04:31)

• On the Value of Subtraction:

  • “Assertiveness is about subtraction. Stop trying to do too much with your conversation and what you need to say.” (17:14)
  • “Serve your words neat.” (22:55)

Useful Timestamps

• 01:40 – The role of tone in assertiveness (music/piano analogy)
• 04:28 – Tone shapes the meaning even with the same word
• 09:59 – Road-mapping with “I need…” statements
• 11:10-11:47 – Comparing indirect vs assertive phrasing
• 17:11 – Assertiveness as subtraction, not force
• 19:41 – Overseasoning analogy for over-explaining
• 22:50 – The harm of adverbs; “Serve your words neat”

Recap: Jefferson Fisher's 3 Keys to Assertiveness

1. Tone is Everything: End on a lower register, use periods instead of question marks.
2. Frame Upfront: Begin assertive conversations with clear “I need…” statements.
3. Subtract, Don’t Add: Remove justifications, apologies, and adverbs to keep your message clean and strong.

Final Thought:
“You have clean assertive communication without sounding rude.” (24:12)

For More:

• Listeners are encouraged to try these methods, follow Jefferson Fisher, and explore his book and resources for deeper learning on assertive communication.