The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Episode: How To Stay In Control! Even When Conversations Turn Emotional
Date: September 9, 2025
Host: Jefferson Fisher (Civility Media)

Episode Overview

In this episode, Jefferson Fisher dives deeply into the art of maintaining control during emotionally charged conversations. Drawing on his experiences both as an attorney and in everyday relationships, Fisher explores practical, actionable strategies to help listeners navigate conversations where emotions run high—whether those emotions are sadness, anger, or frustration. With empathy and candor, he acknowledges how challenging it can be to remain calm and centered, offering step-by-step approaches and memorable grounding techniques that enable listeners to protect their own sense of self without disregarding the emotions of others.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Understanding Emotional Triggers in Conversation

• Fisher opens up about his own struggles with navigating others’ big emotions, candidly sharing that, even for him, “it’s hard for me to process sometimes” when someone becomes angry or very sad, especially in close relationships or high-pressure situations.
  (07:35 - 08:05)

• He introduces the metaphor of a “conversation bubble” — a mental space two people share. Within this space, emotions must be given room to breathe: “How much space do you have in this conversation for emotion?”
  (04:45)

Step 1: Recognize Your Physical Cues

• The first actionable step Fisher advises is developing awareness of your own physical responses when faced with another’s intense emotions:

  • Do you tense your shoulders or neck?
  • Do you avoid eye contact or feel compelled to distance yourself?
  • Do you clench your fists?

  "Your job right now is to think of yours... What tends to be your first gut reaction when somebody on the other side of you gets emotional?"
  (10:45)

• He suggests enlisting a trusted friend or loved one for feedback, as others often notice your reactions before you do.

  • “Ask a friend...hey, when things get emotional, what do you see that I tend to do? ...I promise you’ll learn something. It’s going to help you.”
    (13:17)

• Fisher underscores the importance of this self-monitoring:

  "If you cannot control your physical cues, if you do not know what’s happening to your body in that moment, then I cannot help you...you will not have control when the other person gets emotional."
  (14:05)

Step 2: Ground Yourself in the Moment

• Grounding isn’t “woo woo,” Fisher asserts; he uses these techniques himself. He suggests physical actions (like wiggling your toes or pressing your feet into the floor) to anchor yourself in the present.

• He shares two personal mantras he uses when conversations become intense:

  1. “Put it down, Jefferson.”
     - When he feels defensive or wants to pick up the other person’s anger, he tells himself not to take on what isn’t his:

     "Put it down, Jefferson. That's not yours to carry. That's not yours to pick up.”
     (18:02)

  2. “There is space for this.”
     - This reminds him that two emotional truths can coexist:

     “There is space for both of this...it means that there is space for both of us. Or maybe I’m having a conversation with an attorney who’s getting heated...for me to control myself...is to remind myself there’s space for this.” (21:20)

• Listeners are encouraged to develop their own grounding phrases that feel authentic.

Step 3: Set and Hold Boundaries

• Fisher emphasizes the necessity of healthy boundaries, particularly when emotions escalate into destructive behaviors like yelling or disrespect.

• Instead of mirroring escalating anger — “If they start to raise their voice...that doesn’t mean you’re going to see it as a competition or raise it to level eight. That’s not maintaining control. That is simply giving away your control.” (30:40) — maintain your composure.

• Practical boundary phrases:

  • “I don’t respond to somebody who’s yelling at me. If you continue to yell and raise your voice, this is the end of the conversation.” (33:00)
  • “I don’t respond to disrespect. If you continue to talk with me in that tone, this is the end of the conversation for me.”
  • “I'm willing to talk and I’m not willing to talk like this.” (34:15)
  • “I'm not comfortable continuing to talk like this. If we continue to talk this way, I’m going to need a break.”

• He points out that some people want you to “match” their emotions (e.g., anger), which can be a manipulative dynamic:

  “That may or may not be healthy for you...I'm not saying that you have to be someone who’s closed off...at the same time, I’m not saying that you have to be someone of ‘just because they’re mad, well, now you have to be mad.’ That’s also just as unhealthy. So watch out for that.” (39:32)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the importance of recognizing your own emotions:

  “Your body will almost always betray you... Regardless of what you say in your mind, your body knows. And sometimes it will betray you that way in ways that you’re not expecting.”
  (12:20)

• On the concept of emotional space:

  “There is no other point in time that will ever be the same as when I am listening to you right now.”
  (16:33)

• On boundaries and control:

  “The louder they get, the more steady your voice will be...you will always sound more in control of that conversation than the other person.”
  (30:45)

Timeline of Key Segments

• 00:00 - 04:30 | Sponsor messages, podcast introduction, overview of today’s theme
• 04:45 - 09:00 | Emotional difficulty in conversation; the “conversation bubble”
• 09:00 - 15:00 | Physical cues: recognizing your own responses
• 15:00 - 24:00 | Grounding techniques: developing and using personal mantras
• 30:00 - 36:00 | Boundaries: language for holding your ground and not mirroring negative escalation
• 39:00 - 42:00 | Manipulation and matching emotions: the risk of emotional contagion

Summary of Takeaway Strategies

1. Recognize your physical cues—become aware of how your body responds when others display strong emotions.
2. Ground yourself with mantras—use personal, present-focused phrases (“Put it down”; “There is space for this”) to stay centered.
3. Set clear boundaries—use calm, steady language to communicate what is and isn’t acceptable. Don’t mirror escalating emotions; maintain your own steady presence.

Final Thoughts

Jefferson Fisher’s approach is empathetic, practical, and self-aware. He normalizes the challenge of withstanding emotional storms and affirms that anyone can learn to both acknowledge others’ feelings and stay rooted within themselves. This episode is filled with non-judgmental advice and ready-to-implement scripts that listeners can apply immediately to improve their next challenging conversation.