The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
Episode: How to Stay in Control When Arguing
Date: September 2, 2025
Host: Jefferson Fisher (Civility Media)
Episode Overview
In this actionable and insightful episode, Jefferson Fisher tackles the central theme of how to stay in control during arguments and emotionally charged conversations. Fisher breaks down the top three communication mistakes that contribute to losing your cool and offers practical strategies for maintaining poise, clarity, and confidence. Listeners are encouraged to shift from arguing to impactful conversations, whether in domestic or professional settings.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. The First Mistake: Over-Explaining and Over-Justifying
(03:43 – 08:55)
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Summary:
- Over-explaining in arguments stems from a desire to prove oneself or be fully understood.
- Hammering the same point dilutes your message, reduces its impact, and signals insecurity.
- Communicate succinctly: make your point, then stop. Trust the strength of your own words.
- Using analogies, Fisher likens this to "hammering a nail flat then continuing to beat it for no reason."
- Over-explaining usually originates from self-doubt about being understood or believed.
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Notable Quote:
“When you feel like you have to say too much in the conversation… you’re not regulated enough to stop and realize you’ve made your point. Now you’re just losing control.”
— Jefferson Fisher (06:09) -
Key Takeaway:
Stick to concise points and let them land—don’t fall into the trap of endless justification.
2. The Second Mistake: Emotional Reactivity vs. Pausing
(08:56 – 15:44)
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Summary:
- Reacting without pause shows a lack of emotional regulation and makes you predictable.
- Taking a “conversational breath” calms the body and mind, leading to greater control and a more thoughtful response.
- Fisher walks listeners through a practical breathing exercise.
- Emotional flooding (overwhelm) reveals your triggers to others and hands them the power to manipulate or derail the conversation.
- Pausing is presented as an essential, repeatable tool for regaining composure and authority.
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Notable Quotes:
“Your breath… has such a big impact on your mood and your emotional regulation and your ability to ground yourself. If you do not ground yourself, you will not be in control.”
— Jefferson Fisher (10:18)“When you are big time overly emotional, it shows that you lack control… it means you don’t have a very deep well to hold these things. Everything is very much at the surface.”
— Jefferson Fisher (13:54) -
Key Takeaway:
Before responding, pause and breathe. This split-second control mechanism often determines whether you “lose it” or manage the exchange with composure.
3. The Third Mistake: Filling Silence Instead of Embracing It
(16:15 – 21:10)
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Summary:
- Many people are uncomfortable with silence in conversation and rush to fill it, inadvertently giving away their power or revealing unnecessary information.
- Fisher leverages his legal experience: during depositions, the most valuable information often emerges when people try to fill silences.
- Allowing silence empowers both you and the other party—it signals confidence, invites deeper connection, or elicits more honest communication.
- Embracing pauses and letting the other person ask clarifying questions transfers agency and maintains your control.
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Notable Quotes:
“When you fill every silence, if you plug every hole, it’s giving away your power. It’s leaking out because you’re not being confident in what you said.”
— Jefferson Fisher (18:33)“Whenever you are comfortable with silence, there is a strength in you that happens.”
— Jefferson Fisher (19:25) -
Practical Challenge:
- Next time you’re in conversation, intentionally pause for three seconds after your sentence. Observe the difference.
- If someone else pauses, wait three to five seconds—don’t rush to fill the gap.
Memorable Moments & Quotes
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On Over-Explaining:
“It’s like hammering in a nail to where it’s flat against the wood and then you just keep beating it for no reason. You’ve made the point, but you’re not regulated enough to stop.”
— Jefferson Fisher (05:18) -
On Breath as a Tool:
“Taking a pause allows you to regain control.”
— Jefferson Fisher (11:36) -
On Predictability in Arguments:
“When you are emotionally flooded… you’re not only showing them the button, you’re spit-shining it, you’re making it shiny for them and putting it right out in front.”
— Jefferson Fisher (13:09) -
On Silence:
“Silence serves a purpose. Not only are you cutting off the chance for connection… you’re cutting off your ability to conserve your power and conserve your control.”
— Jefferson Fisher (20:24)
Recap of the Three Biggest Communication Mistakes
(21:11 – End)
- Over-Explaining/Justifying: Dilutes your message and signals insecurity.
- Emotional Reactivity: Makes you predictable and easy to manipulate; pausing and breathing prevents this.
- Filling Silence: Undercuts your power and confidence; silence is a tool, not a gap to be feared.
“At the end of the day, silence is positive. Silence is something that says more than anything our words can ever say.”
— Jefferson Fisher (21:55)
Final Takeaways
- Maintain control by choosing clarity over volume and conciseness over explanation.
- Master your breath and the pause to regulate your mind before you speak.
- Make silence your ally, not your enemy.
- Each conversation is an opportunity to build the confidence and control that transforms relationships.
For actionable tips, community, and continuous growth, Jefferson encourages listeners to subscribe, read his book “The Next Conversation,” and try integrating these three strategies into their next difficult conversation.
Missed the episode?
This summary covers every core strategy and moment you need to gain mastery over your next argument—with composure, compassion, and genuine connection.