Stop Feeling Guilty for Your Boundaries

Summary

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The Jefferson Fisher Podcast

Episode Title: Stop Feeling Guilty for Your Boundaries
Host: Jefferson Fisher (Civility Media)
Date: July 14, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Jefferson Fisher Podcast focuses on empowering listeners to set and maintain personal boundaries without guilt. Jefferson provides practical communication strategies for handling overthinking, consistent boundary-setting, and challenging interpersonal interactions. Listener questions drive the episode, with Jefferson offering tailored advice on protecting one's mental health, tackling difficult conversations, and presenting oneself confidently—even in adversarial or high-pressure environments.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. No More Guilt over Boundaries

[00:32 – 04:53]

• Boundaries are not the problem—reactions to them are:

  "When somebody is upset with your boundary, doesn't mean the boundary is wrong. It means that it's working." – Jefferson, [00:41]

• People who complain about boundaries are often those who benefited from your lack of them.
• Discomfort when enforcing a boundary is normal—it's proof the boundary is necessary.
• Avoid over-explaining:

  “Eliminate the word ‘because’… Get more comfortable with periods and wait in silence.” – Jefferson, [03:00]
  Brief, assertive statements are more effective than lengthy justifications.

• Overthinking loop:
  • Write down the repetitive worry or thought.
  • Identify the underlying story (“I’m not enough,” “I’ll be alone”).
  • Counter with what you know to be true, replacing anxiety with facts.

2. Listener Q&A: How to Talk About Painful Experiences

Lynn’s Story: Navigating Relapse and Boundaries

[04:53 – 14:46]

• Lynn relapsed after 14 years of sobriety following unemployment and now faces public scrutiny in a small town.
• Jefferson’s advice:
  • Own your story:

    “There’s a sense of ownership that you have to take first. And it sounds like those are the steps that you’re already on.” – Jefferson, [08:28]

  • Don’t feel pressured to answer prying or insensitive questions:

    “You can answer the question you want to answer… ‘I’m not asking why anymore. I’m asking where. Where am I going?’” – [09:54]

  • For unwanted inquiries, use clear, firm statements:

    “I don’t talk about that. That’s not something I share. That’s personal information.” – [12:50]

  • Focus on positive recovery, not justifying or explaining past pain.

3. Breaking the Argument Cycle in Relationships

[14:46 – 20:19]

• Recognize the pattern:

  "If you haven’t heard the end of it, then you haven’t heard the heart of it. There’s always something deeper." – Jefferson, [15:36]

• Solution:
  • Have a meta-conversation: Discuss the process and filters, not just the content.
  • Set an agreement to remain patient and not defensive.
  • Use “When you, I feel…” statements to uncover triggers and perspectives.
  • Encourage curiosity:

    “Get really curious with each other… what is it about this particular conversation that takes us from here to down there?” – [19:15]

• Seek resolution through deeper mutual understanding, not “winning” the argument.

4. Handling Backhanded Compliments

[20:19 – 25:08]

• Peggy Pepper, age 75, seeks a way to address the constant "you look good for your age" comments.
• Jefferson’s approach:
  • Generously interpret comments, but ask clarifying questions if needed:

    “You mean I just look good?” (playfully) – Jefferson, [22:50]

  • If necessary, politely question intent:

    “Did you mean for that to sound like a backhanded compliment?”

5. Addressing Chronic Complaining

[25:08 – 29:57]

• Let the complainer air out their feelings briefly (to prevent them from bottling up).
• Nudge them gently toward solutions:

  “‘What do you think you should do about it? What’s your next step?’ Encourage action steps.” – [27:05]

• Avoid immediately shifting to problem-solving, but guide toward actionable conversation.

6. When to Have “Hard” Conversations

[29:57 – 36:35]

• If a topic lingers in your mind/heart for more than a day or two, it likely needs to be addressed.
• Framework for difficult estrangement conversations:
  • Start with “I know…” to acknowledge the relationship.
  • Affirm “I’m not…” (not here to hurt, blame, or provoke).
  • State “I need to say this for me.”
  • Be prepared for no response or change from the other; the act is for your own peace.
  • Speak from the truth of the heart, not with accusation.

7. Confidence as a Woman in Male-Dominated Spaces

[36:35 – 43:05]

• Jefferson acknowledges gender gaps, affirms realities.
• Practical tip: Repeatedly use the word “serious” to establish tone.

  “Don’t be afraid to say, ‘What would it look like for you to take me seriously right now?’” – [42:00]

• Consider mindset shift: See trailblazing as opportunity, not just hardship.
• Remain focused on professional contribution and repeat the importance of seriousness in your communications.

8. Becoming a Confident (Young) Man—Without Being a Pushover

[43:05 – 49:09]

• Treat everyone with respect, regardless of status.
• Own your mistakes:

  “A good man is somebody who owns fully their mistakes in the face. Not running, not trying to hide from them.” – [44:26]

• Avoid overcompensation or bravado—those are signs of insecurity.
• Establish, write, and nurture your convictions:

  “Find what your values are, find what you feel convicted about… the things in life that you say, there is no gray.” – [47:41]

• Have grace and patience for yourself as you learn and live your values.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Boundaries:

  “That discomfort does not mean that something is wrong. It means that’s exactly what your boundary is meant to do.” – Jefferson, [03:35]

• On Difficult Family Conversations:

  “It’s not just in your head, it’s in your heart. And that’s a whole lot heavier for you to carry and struggle with.” – [30:49]

• On Confidence:

  “Those are the people who are insecure. It is knowing that you have a big stick and you don’t use it.” – [46:25]

• On Gender Bias:

  “There is a discrepancy. There is a way men can look down on you simply because of gender…what you’re doing is something different than most people.” – [38:50]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• [00:32] Main theme: Guilt and boundaries
• [04:53] Lynn’s question: Relapse, shame, and boundary-setting
• [14:46] Repetitive arguments in marriage: finding the root
• [20:19] Peggy on backhanded compliments
• [25:08] Handling chronic complainers
• [29:57] Should I have the hard conversation with (estranged) family?
• [36:35] Sarah’s question: Gaining respect in a male-dominated field
• [43:05] Austin asking: How to be a good, confident (young) man

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Tone & Style

Jefferson balances warmth, directness, and actionable clarity. He affirms, reframes, and always grounds advice in empathy with a practical edge—always encouraging listeners to claim agency, communicate confidently, and honor their own values and truths in all relationships.

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This episode is a packed resource for anyone struggling with boundary guilt, chronic overthinking, challenging conversations, or asserting themselves in tricky social terrains.

Transcript

[Christy]

Hey, it's Christy from Lululemon and I'm here at the office checking out the Shake it out shorts. These have been my go tos and I kind of think of them as a middle ground between a true run short and a more playful, athletic, sporty short. They have all the performance you want for running, so a comfy liner, our lightweight swift fabric, even a pocket for your keys. But what I really like is the flowy fit and layered hem. It gives it a little bit of volume, a little bit of fun, so they feel as good on a run as they do just at coffee afterwards. You can find the Shake it out shorts in store now or [e-mail] how

[Mara]

to stop the cycle of overthinking and

[Jefferson]

not feeling guilty for having boundaries. And also how to have the confidence to maintain those boundaries consistently.

[Mara]

Thank you very much.

[Peggy Pepper]

Have a good day.

[Jefferson]

When somebody is upset with your boundary doesn't mean that that boundary is wrong. It means that it's working. And how do you make sure that you consistently keep up with that boundary is to know deep down that their disappointment will dissipate. The people who are disappointed by your boundary are most likely the very people who took advantage of you not having that boundary. That's typically what it is. Those are the people who are the most vocal about unhappy that you had that boundary. This isn't fair because most of the time they were, they were used to cutting in lime. They were used to you not having a bouncer at the door, so to speak. And so whenever you set that boundary and you set that consequence, how do you stick to it is I need you to be able to keep your eyes and ears on the goal. And that is whatever it was serving for you. Don't let somebody else's emotions or somebody else's disappointment replace the very real reason why, why your boundary is there in the first place. And know that that discomfort that you're feeling is confirmation. That discomfort does not mean that you've made an error with that. That that discomfort is confirmation that what you're putting into place is having the effect that it needs. And that is, it is preserving you and making sure that you're the one being taken care of. So don't lose, don't lose sight of that when it comes to over explaining those boundaries. I need you to eliminate the word because instead of I need to put this boundary in place because blah, blah, blah, and give all this justification. They don't need that justification. I need you to get very firm instead of the ellipses give them meaning. The dot, dot, dot. Get, get more comfortable with periods and wait in silence. And if they have a response, then they have the, the agency to ask that question. But don't try and answer a question that they haven't asked. That's just adding more words. And the more words you add to that sentence, the more you're going to be watering down your message and the more watered down that boundary is going to be. So stick to small sentences. When you give that consequence, stick to it. And know that that discomfort does not mean that something is wrong. It means that's exactly what your boundary is meant to do. If you want to stop overthinking, I want you to get those thoughts out of your head, meaning on paper. And I want you to consider a framework like this where you first write out the thought that you continue to go back to time and time again. What is the underlying thought that you are overthinking on? Number two, I want you to ask the question, what is the story that I'm telling myself about this thought? What is the underlying story there? Because there is, there is an underlying story that maybe is, I don't feel like I'm enough. I don't feel like I'm worth this boundary. I don't feel like I will be alone, people will not like me. And if I'm not like me, then maybe I am being too much. There is a hidden story underneath that. And what I need you to write afterwards is, what do I know to be true? What do you actually know to be true? This is where you take all those anxieties and they wash away by the very cold, hard truths of what you actually know, not what you assume, not what you fear, not what you're worried about. Not that that past story that you've had on your record player playing for your whole life, but actually, what do you know to be true? And when you write that out and you see that and you put it not into just words, but into sentences, and the things that say, this is who I am and this is what I know about me, the more firm you're going to be and the less you will overthink.

[Lynn]

Hi Jefferson. I am recently unemployed and even more recently relapsed on alcohol after 14 years in recovery. I was in a car accident the same night I relapsed and was arrested and now have pending DWI charges. I live in a very small town and fairly soon this will become public knowledge. I'm trying to find a job while anticipating losing my license My. My question is there will be people who have questions like, why did you relapse? How did you relapse? And I don't know how to tell people that it's not a conversation I want to have and that it's my own business and I prefer not to discuss it. I'm an empath, and so I often say too much, wear my heart on my sleeve. And I'm deeply impacted by insensitivities, so I need to be able to draw clear boundaries around this. And I love your work, I love what you do, and I trust that you probably have excellent advice. I hope that I've shared enough context. I did have 14 years sober without a drink and losing my job and having trouble setting up unemployment was all just too much, and I didn't have the correct supports in place and therefore the relapse and the accident and the arrest. So I am just trying to figure out how to. I'm going to field questions that will come at me from the people who have very little tact. Thank you so much.

[Jefferson]

First off, I am so proud of you for calling because there are a lot of people who I imagine have gone through what you've gone through and have turn to even more hurtful and harmful options. You're very brave, and I know you're probably at a place right now where you are really mad at yourself and you're at a loss and there's. And there's shame and there's hurt. And it's going to be really easy, Lynn, for you to only look at this moment and allow that to cover the last 14 years of sobriety that you've had. Don't let this moment define what your story's been and what your story will be. So I want to tell you first that there are other people who are watching. And for those that are listening, if you feel right, I want you to just tell Lynn how proud you are of her because she's doing something that is most people would not have the strength to do, and that is taking control back of her life. So that's not something small. That's not something small. That's you being a human.

[Austin]

Lynn,

[Jefferson]

the second question that you asked, which is, let's say more on the practical communication side, how do you handle it when somebody's asking you questions, you go, hey, this is. This is my business, Lynn, I don't want you to shy away from or feel like as soon as somebody asks about why or how, don't lead with an excuse. Even when excuses are Sometimes true. They tend not to come out that well. So what I want you to do instead is to simply say, all I know is it happened and I'm learning to grow from it. I want you to focus far more on recovery than looking back and asking why. I would prefer, and I think those around you would also prefer of this sense of one owning. I know you don't want to. I'm not saying that when somebody asks why, that they're entitled to hear it. I'm not saying that. I want to give that. I want to address that here in a second. First. I want you to understand there's a. There's a sense of ownership that you have to take first. And it sounds like those are the steps that you're already on. How do I own? Yes.

[Austin]

Yep.

[Jefferson]

That happened. Yes. I relapsed. Yes. And I'm working to improve it. I'm working to learn. I'm working on myself. I'm going back to the steps, whatever it is. It's a matter of ownership. And if you've been through any type of recovery program or aa, you know, that's certainly part of it. To say, no doubt that unemployment, of course, would be an extremely triggering event that is going. That could lead to that increase of unmanageability to where you felt powerless in that moment and turn to what your brain told you was addiction. And I can only imagine that you feel really defeated. And what I want you to do is hear from us that are also listening to you to say that you're on the right path. And, Lynn, when somebody's asking you that question, why understand you don't have to answer that. You can answer the question you want to ask. For example, if somebody were to say, why did this happen? I want you to say, you know what? I'm not asking why anymore. I'm asking, where. Where am I going? Where is this taking me? Where can I go to learn from what's happening of where you're going next to better places, to more improvement and positive things that are happening in your life? And you kind of get to. You can. You can redefine that question. Say, you know what? I'm not really asking why. I'm asking, where is my life taking me right now? And maybe it's. I'm learning to have grace for myself. Maybe it's. I'm learning to take care of myself even more. And I think there's. I think it's okay to even simply say, I don't know where yet, but I know it's Somewhere that's gonna make my life better. If you want to handle it, when somebody's asking you a question and you say, I don't want to, this is. This is not for others, it's okay for you to say, that's not a question I'm answering. Don't be in the position of going, well, I mean, I don't really, you know, I don't really share that kind of thing. I want you to take very assertive statements of, I don't talk about that. That's not something I share. That's not something I. I divulge. That's personal information. This is work on myself and. Which is the truth. Those people aren't entitled to private information about you. And really. And really, Lynn, the people who care about you the most are the ones who are going to be most invested in wanting to see the best for you. The ones that are going, what happened? What do you mean? And they want to look at all the. The closet of things. Those aren't people who are looking for your best interests. Those are people that are looking for either gossip or ways to feel better about themselves. I want you to instead be around the people who are going to encourage you, to uplift you and just sit with you even when there's nothing to say. So from me to you, you just keep doing it. This episode is brought to you by Element. I am part of a family that is on the go at all times. And so what does that mean? You need to stay hydrated. You need to make sure that what you're putting in your body is good stuff, because there's a lot of bad stuff with a lot of sugar and everything else. When it comes to electrolytes, Element for our family is where it's at. My kids love it. They have it in not only just whole packets that you can rip and put it into a water bottle. That's what I like to do. Because I don't really like carbon. My kids love carbonation. They love, like, the seltzer type waters. They call it salty drink is what they call it. Why? Because Element is salty. But it's stuff that doesn't have any sugar. No fillers, no additives, anything like that. Just good, straight, clean hydration. My favorite flavor is they have this Arnold Palmer kind of flavor where they have tea and lemonade all in one. It hits the spot for me every single time. Element was made for people on a mission. Not just athletes, but also parents and people in business and people who are working all the time and they're offering my listeners a free sample sample pack with any order, which is pretty awesome. So head on over to drinklmnt.com jefferson to try it risk free and if you don't love it, they will refund you. No questions asked. LMNT Element Smart hydration for people going places and now let's keep going.

[Unnamed Spouse Caller]

I am in this situation where it's with my spouse. We seem to continue to repeat the same argument over and over and over. And yeah, I'm seeing the pattern and I point out that this is happening again and it seems like we just can't not seem to stop and get in a different direction. And I don't know how to redirect the conversation to go to a better a different result. So could you share some advice on how to stop having the same conversation slash argument every time? All right, thanks so much.

[Peggy Pepper]

Love your book.

[Unnamed Spouse Caller]

Going to give the workbook too. What you're doing is awesome, man. So thanks so much. All right.

[Jefferson]

If you haven't heard the end of it, then you haven't heard the heart of it. You will continue to have the same conversation time and time again on this merry go round. Because if you haven't heard the end of it, you haven't heard the heart of it. There's always something deeper every single time. And it sounds like you've already caught that pattern that, hey, I'm noticing a lot that this is coming up a lot. So let's put it when I'm talking now for the rest of my response to you, and I think it's an excellent question and the fact that you're asking this is a sign that you're wanting to improve your marriage, which is awesome. What needs to happen? How do you get out of this pattern? One, There needs to be a get out of the pattern conversation, meaning with your husband. There needs to be a separate conversation, not in which you are in the moment arguing about it. No, you need to now be talking about the process of how y' all have been arguing about this. So instead of the content, I need you to go higher. Right. And start looking as if you are talking about the process of going, how does this happen? Not a you're wrong, you're right, you're wrong, you're right. None of that. It's what is the process which we are taking and receiving information? And really it's what are the filters we are applying? Because what I'm hearing is when you're having this kind of pattern, there is a filter that's being applied a lens that's being applied that is keeping you two from missing each other every time. And I know that feels hopeless. I know that feels maddening at times when you feel like each of you are just. You're missing it every time. So I need you to have a separate conversation. In this conversation, there needs to be an agreement that neither one of us are going to be mad at each other. Both of us are in this because we want to figure this out and improve our communication and improve our relationship. And three, we will be patient and we will do our best not to get defensive. And if we are getting defensive, we will take a timeout and come back to this when we are ready. Cool. So you have to set that framework for that conversation. Second of all, I need you to have these statements of maybe it's as simple as when you. I feel. When you say this, I feel as though you are really trying to say X, Y, and Z. And then he gets to try. Okay, so when you say that I feel like X, Y, and Z, and start talking about what are the words and things that are really triggering or the words that are kind of these, I might say, pal statements. These are the statements that make you really get heated and defensive. Say that. What am I missing? Asking questions like, okay, what am I missing when you say that? So when this happens, what is your brain telling you? What's the process of? What's the story behind that? So what's a very practical way of doing this? I want you to. Whenever he says something or you say something, and I think what's best is, let's say, for example, he goes first or you go first. Let's say you go first. He would be asking the question of, you'd say something and go, because that makes you feel. And you go, because that makes me feel X, Y, and Z. And then he'd ask, because that makes you feel. Well, because that makes me feel X, Y, and Z. And what you'll find, as you know, it's not about the milk. Okay. It could be about that thing that reminds you of that thing when you were 11, and that makes your nervous system feel the exact same way. Or it's always because that makes me feel that it reminds me of my stepdad who did this or reminds me of my mom who did this, and I'm now feeling it now. Or it makes me feel less. Or it makes me feel afraid it's sifting through. And you'll have to be able to talk about this in a way that is not taking anything personally. To the actual content of the conversation. But instead I need you to focus on the mechanics. And the way to do that is the. Because I feel. Because that makes me feel. Because that makes me think. You're talking about the lenses, you're talking about the filters, you're talking about the how do we get to this point in time? So get really curious with each other of what is it that I'm missing and what is it about this particular conversation that takes us from here to down there? And the more open you are to that conversation and the more questions you ask without getting defensive, meaning you're gonna. Nobody's gonna say, yeah, but none of that. It's okay. That makes sense. I hear you. Keep talking, keep telling me more. That's the way to get out of off the merry go round and out of that pattern.

[Peggy Pepper]

Hey there, Jefferson. It's Peggy Pepper. Peggy Pepper likes salt and pepper. I have spent my entire life working out, doing triathlons to stay in really, really great shape. And now at 75, I'm happy to say I'm super healthy and really do look younger than my years. The only problem I have on a regular basis is a backhanded compliment that I get from people, which I take as a compliment. But it's still really annoying when people say, wow, you look really good for your age. Sort of takes the compliment away. So my question is, when people give you backhanded compliments, what's a really nice way to answer them back other than just thank you? How do you train people to compliment directly and say what they mean? I'm Ed. And I am absolutely a fan of yours. That's Peggy Pepper signing off, hoping that I handle people who are trying to be nice to me but aren't handle them a lot better. Thanks so much. Bye.

[Jefferson]

That was great. Ms. Peggy Pepper. Oh, my goodness. Well, first off, Ms. Pepper, like salt and pepper. That's amazing.

[Austin]

All right.

[Jefferson]

I can say that is not something that you find that often. If somebody goes, you know what? I've been taking a very a lot of good care of my body and my exercise and it matters a whole lot to me. You go, how did I deal this back into compliment now? The example you gave me though, Ms. Becky Pepper, is somebody saying, you look really good for your age. And the part that you don't like right. Is the four year age. That's where you go, huh, I don't know about that. There's some ways I want you to think about that. One is if you were to just say thank you and consider and decide for yourself that they meant it in a positive way. What would it look like if that was generally take a very generous interpretation of it. So one is this. I need you to have very generous interpretations and rather than take it personally, give them the benefit of the doubt that they're trying to say you look good. And though the four your age bothers you, and that's fair, I also want you to know that there's the possibility, Ms. Pepper, that they didn't mean it as a backhanded compliment. So it's very possible that we don't get to decide that for them. So how do we do that? How do we know if somebody's really asking a backhanded compliment? Because sometimes we can just be taking it personally. Number two, when you feel like somebody is giving you a backhanded compliment, I think what I would prefer you to do is ask a question and just say, do you mean I just look good? In other words, you are cutting out the for your age part. And you can do it playfully. That's the key. Instead of you getting all serious or getting huffy or upset and, you know, getting more peppery on them, I want you to even playfully say, you mean I look good, I look good. Instead of the for your age. Or take that offensively in some way. So using when I typically go, how do you handle a backhanded compliment? It's the did you mean? So maybe somebody's saying ugly. Maybe there are in some way you feel like they're making a backhanded compliment. You say, did you mean for that to sound like a backhanded compliment? Did you mean to make a negative comment about my age? Did you mean to make that about my age? That checks them usually brings out a lot of that if somebody's truly meaning it. But it sounds to me like deep down they're just wanting to say, man, you look really good. And I think that's something to be really, really happy and certainly proud of. And if you ever have the question I would. Or if you ever have a question of whether or not it's a backhanded compliment, I would encourage you just to friendly ask. You mean I look good or you mean I just look good? And I think you'll get the answer you're looking for every time.

[Mara]

Hello, Cheswerson, my name is Mara. I want to know how to respond to someone who is complaining non stop, for example, at breakfast table or at

[Lynn]

dinner table with other people.

[Jefferson]

How to respond when somebody is complaining outside of just the normal bounds of complaining. Because sometimes complaining is absolutely justified and necessary and also part of communication. Particularly you said in the mornings, because sometimes I don't want to be awake, so I'd rather complain of I want to go back in bed. How do you deal with somebody who is complaining or complaining a lot? Number one is let them get it out. If they don't get it all out, they will bottle it up and start assuming responses for you. And those responses will not be positive, those responses will be negative. And what it will do is only give them more things for them to think, ain't complain about. So how do we do this in a way that is you just not sitting there for 20 minutes while somebody's simply complaining? I want you to be able to insert questions into it. That's going to, number two, kind of navigate where we can place this information. So when somebody's complaining, what can we ask or say? I want you to prompt questions that are going to get them more to solutions, to conclusions, to resolutions of things to say. If somebody's complaining, you might say, okay, well what do you think you should do about it? Well, what's your next step? Well, what's the takeaway? What solution do you have so far? I want you to encourage with your words action steps. Because complaining for a lot of people feels like they're in action. When they're not, they're just sitting still and wishing they were moving in a certain direction. And they just need a little bit of a verbal nudge to get them thinking into that area of, okay, well what do you plan to do about it? What would you like to do about it? Because we all know what it's like when somebody complains and complains and you go, okay, so what are we gonna do about it? Because it's not gonna help complain. But I want you to understand that sometimes complaining is. It's releasing that anxiety for that person. It's not helpful if you just immediately go to, let's just talk action steps. Don't tell me about your worries and fears, because then those worries and fears are still gonna be there and they're gonna feel like you don't really care about that. You just want the conversation to be over. So to avoid that, let's let them get it out for a little bit. I want you to hear some of that stuff, maybe affirm it, maybe mirror it to get them to talk about it a little bit more. Them to a path that is going to land a lot more. Specifically, those are phrases like what solution do you have? So Far. What do you feel is the next step? Do you find that there is a decision that is going to need to be made? So using their information and try to nudge them in a path that's going to ultimately lead to not only decision, but also action taking. You can do that by saying, so what's the first step that's going to help get their mind from switching to hopeless to what is happening next? That's a much better path forward. Before we get going, I want to take a moment to tell you about ZocDoc. Can I be honest with you for a moment? One of the worst things about adulting is making doctor's appointments. It's the worst. You, you try to find a doctor, a healthcare provider who you want to feel really safe and secure with, that you're making a good decision for either you or your family. And then what you call and then sometimes they have an answering service and maybe you get them, maybe they don't answer. And sometimes you gotta call multiple times just to get an appointment. Well, zocdoc takes all of that pain away online. Easy to search, easy to filter through. You can find doctors in your area, no matter what kind of field. So I'm talking dermatologist to dentist to, you name it, they're able to find them, be able to see the reviews, make sure that they are in coverage for you, which is huge. And also you can schedule appointments right there. And it's pretty fast, anywhere from 24 to 72 hours. That's. I mean, what else could you want? You and your health matters. And taking care of yourself should not be complicated. Zocdoc fixes that. So head on over to Zocdoc.com Jefferson that's Z O C-O C.com Jefferson and get started on your first appointment, the appointment you've been putting off forever today and now let's keep going.

[Peggy Pepper]

How do you know when it's worth having the conversation? My mother and I fell apart about 10 years ago and she's been awful to me since then.

[Jefferson]

I don't want her to die and

[Peggy Pepper]

feel regret in my heart. I don't think we can get anywhere. Thank you.

[Jefferson]

That's a big question. And thank you for sharing that with me. How do you know if the conversation's worth it? Depends on the conversation. There are some that, as a general rule, I like to think that if I'm thinking about something I want to say or should have said the next day, even if I've gone to sleep and wake up and I Still feel like this is something that I'm holding onto, that I can't let it go. That's a sign that something else needs to happen. You know, you should have said it, but it didn't happen. And usually what I have found to be absolutely true, that the longer you hold onto it, the longer you go, ah, it's going to feel better today if I don't tell them. It's going to be better today if I don't bring it up. And it just. The heavier that weight is going to be for you to carry. So that's a general rule of. Usually if you're still holding on to that thought over the next one to two days, something that you're going to need to bring up, because at that part, it's not. At that point in time, it's not just in your head, it's in your heart. And that's a whole lot heavier for you to carry and struggle with. What I also hear you saying, and I want to bring up the point of unilateral repair, meaning if there's somebody, like you said, who's in some type of estrangement situation and you know that, you know, it's the conversation worth it. And you don't, you don't want her to leave this world and you feel like you left something unsaid. Well, I need you to be really honest with what's the cost to you of. Is the cost of saying it worth more than the costs of not in your life? And if that's true, then you need to be at a place where you go, mom, maybe, and I can give you a framework for this conversation, but the goal here is you're saying, mom, I need to say this for me, and I don't know, we're not guaranteed tomorrow and I am not going to be okay. It is not going to be. Be settled in my heart or my spirit if I do not share this with you. Even if you don't, even if you have no response to this, I need to say this for me, that's a unilateral repair where it does not take two people. It is you saying, I need to get this off of my heart to you. And that is not something to take lightly. If I was going to give you some type of model of how to talk about this in a way with your mom or maybe some kind of frame, I would begin with number one. I know, Mom. I know that we haven't. There's been a lot of distance between us. I know that we haven't spoken in years. I know this is our relationship is not where we wish it would have gone. Number two, I need you to begin with, I'm not. In other words, I'm not trying to push anything on you. I'm not trying to bring up and hurt old wounds because that's their fear. You're touching on their fear right there. Three is I'm ready to listen when you are. Typically when somebody says I'm ready to talk, nobody wants to hear that. They'd much rather hear, I'm ready to listen to you. But between that I'm not and I'm ready, I think you can put in that Insert the I need to share this. I'm not here to bring up old wounds. I'm here to say something that I know is on my heart and I need to share this with you because I need to say it and I will not be okay. It's not going to be okay in my spirit if I don't share this with you. And should you have something to say, I'm going to be here to listen. That's how you know if a conversation is worth the cost. And the truth is, there are most likely a lot of people out there who know they need to say something to someone who could be dying sooner than later, and they are afraid to say something or not say something because that person will no longer be here. My thoughts are you need to say it because most likely you will be living a whole lot longer wishing and wondering what that conversation could have led to. At least giving peace, reconciliation, love a chance in that moment rather than not taking the opportunity and living with the regret of not even using words, just words to try in that moment. So how could you approach that conversation? I want you to begin with, I need. I need to have an important conversation with you. I need to have something that's really been on my heart for a long time. And I need to say this. 2. I don't. I don't need you to agree with me. I'm not asking you to respond in any way. I am. I am not asking you to even receive this. I need to say something.

[Austin]

This is.

[Jefferson]

Three, I need to say something that if I don't say, I will regret it forever. And hear me, it can't be something that is like. It can't be something negative. It has to be something that's true from the heart. It can't be I have been. I need to say you're a terrible human. It can't be that. It needs to Be that moment that you know is that unspokenness between you and the other person and speaking directly from the heart. And I think you'll be surprised at what even giving hope a chance will do for that relationship.

[Mara]

My name is Sarah and I'm from London. Jefferson. I have trouble being heard by men. I feel they don't take me seriously. This is a recent phenomena that occurred and it's. Yeah, it stems from me getting in a habit of over explaining myself which I'm probably doing now. How do I curb this? I'm trying to break into a football sector which is a male dominated industry. I've actually broken into it and I've been very lucky. I've spoken to people that are quite high level in the sector. One gave me an endorsement saying that I've got a great idea. However, I keep hitting walls and I think some of the walls are actually within me. This feeling that somehow business isn't what it once was and now everyone wants you to take slides and what do you do when you're not taking slides? So how do you overcome people? How do you overcome men not taking you seriously specifically? Either go flipping from like a pendulum from either thinking you're cute or actually then thinking just dismiss. You say it like I'm speaking and they're not actually registering what I'm saying. How do you make your ideas presentable in a manner that men, specifically men in a male dominated industry things better and how I can maybe get out of this mindset due to a traumatic event that occurred within my work. The somehow, you know, it felt like men wanted to cut me down and to put me in my place as it were and thank God they didn't manage to do that. But it has left me shaken quite literally. So how do I get overcome all of those internal things in your. From your perspective like what would you advise and how can a woman specifically articulate herself in a manner that isn't a man perceiving you as arrogant or cute and then dismissing everything you say. Thank you. I hope that makes sense. Please forgive me, it is quite late here in London, but I just had to leave that message. Okay, take care and keep up the great work.

[Peggy Pepper]

Bye.

[Jefferson]

That is a question and really an underlying message that I don't think is going to go away easily, certainly anytime soon. How do you deal as a woman? How do you deal with somebody in a male dominated industry? One I am very aware of what I am and that is a male and that means I can't speak from experience. I'm not Going to pretend to even think that I could possibly know what it's like to be in that position. What I can tell you is I'm absolutely going to affirm that what you're feeling is real. There is a discrepancy. There is a way of which certainly men can look down on you simply because of gender. I want to say first, big compliments to you. Sounds like you're breaking, use the word walls and that you're breaking through them and you're breaking through ceilings. To be in a heavily male dominated industry, especially with football, which that would make all the sense in the world to me. So how do you be taken more seriously if as a woman you are needing to speak to men? Sarah here's what I would say. If I could give it in a, if I could package this in a How quickly can I deliver that to you? Is one, I want you to understand that what you're doing is something different than most people. In other words, you are choosing to be in a more male dominated industry. And I want you to, rather than feeling like there is how am I ever going to climb up this hill? I want you to turn that into a way of how can you shift your mindset into being how much more you get to prove how much more you get to be either excited or what an opportunity there is to be somebody who can pave a path, to be able to trailblaze something that would allow more women to join and follow your footsteps. So I want you to understand there are other women, more than you know, that are watching you and saying, if she can do it, then I can do it. And that's how change is made. Number two, I want you to, if somebody is not taking you seriously, I want you to start using the word seriously or serious more often. I want you to find a way to use it either in text or in the way you have in conversations or even in the ways you ask questions. For example, don't be afraid to say what would it look like for you to take me seriously right now? Or I have a serious question or I'd like to talk to you about something serious. There might be that tendency to want to, you know what it's like to try and over people please and to be really bubbly or really overly warm and overly nice that can put you over into a particular area of going, this is not somebody who takes a lot of things seriously. So I want you to use that word. Why? Because it's going to signal, give the signal and sign to everybody else. That this is somebody who takes themselves seriously. Number three, what I want you to consider is every time you go into a meeting or have a conversation, I want you to even say to them, right, I'm somebody who takes a lot of things. I'm somebody who takes this seriously. This is a serious conversation to me. You see, I'm incorporating that word. What I'm telling you now is put that in the beginning of sentences of when you meet somebody that you take this job seriously and find a way to use that to your advantage. Because then we're trying to create and build your identity around somebody who goes, you know what? She's somebody who takes this job very seriously. So even if you go, I don't feel like that really resonates with me. You can like, I'm not somebody who's a serious person, but I'm somebody who takes this job very seriously. And I'm not going to take this job or this position for granted because this is. I have earned this spot. You've earned that spot, and that's something to absolutely be serious about.

[Austin]

Hey, Jefferson. My name is Austin. I am a 17 year old who is looking for all the wisdom he can find. With that being said, here's my question. I don't want to be a pushover. I don't want to be a man who lacks confidence. How can I improve this in my communication? Whether I'm talking to a manager or a friend or a narcissist that I come across. I want to be a good man and not a pushover.

[Jefferson]

Thank you, Austin. Man, I'm proud of you. What a great question at 17. I wish I was asking that question to people when I was 17. So how do you be a good man? Oh, man, when you talk, what I heard you say was to the managers, to friends, to co workers, to other people, I'm still working on how to be a good man, Austin. So I'll. I'll let you know if I ever become one. All right, here's what I. Here's what I know to be true is you can't just be interested in the somebody's. I want you to treat everybody like there is somebody. So that means I want you to be interested in everybody's name, from the janitor to the runner, to the assistant, to the waiter, to the waitress. Be far more interested in knowing and showing them respect than treating those people as something different than those who wear suits. So don't just be interested in the somebodies. Treat everybody at all levels with respect. And I Can assure you that level of respect is going to go a whole lot farther than you know. Number two, I want you to model the apology. When you mess up, own it. Don't give an excuse, don't deflect, don't blame. A good man is somebody who owns fully their mistakes in the face. Not running, not trying to hide from them is somebody who is true and when they mess up, because you will if somebody goes, yep, I messed up. That, to me, is wisdom. And three, what I would encourage you is find ways to push back voicing insecurity and letting that be a voice in your head, because it's going to be very tempting, especially early on, of trying to say things to prove yourself. In other words, how many friends you have, what kind of car you drive, what kind of clothes you wear,

[Austin]

the

[Jefferson]

people who name drop or feel like they need to talk about the accolades or how cool they are, those aren't the people that are confident, Austin. Those are the people who are insecure. It is knowing that you have a big stick and you don't use it because you know that you're confident with yourself and confident of knowing who you are and you're not trying to be anything else. And staying true to that and knowing what your values are, write them out. It sounds like probably you already have. When you stay true to that and stay aligned with it, I think you're at least on the path, like me, like many of us all, to be a good man. And Austin, when it comes to not being a pushover, I want you to know that as somebody who's 17 and still finding his way, I want you to, one, have a lot of grace for yourself. In other words, go easy on yourself. Be kind to yourself. It's gonna be really hard. And it doesn't stop where you feel like you have to take everything really seriously and really hard all the time. Some of it is you just need to find ways to not be so hard on yourself.

[Peggy Pepper]

All right.

[Jefferson]

Second of not being a pushover is find right now you're at a place in life where you have the opportunity to find your convictions, find what your values are, find what you feel convicted about in ways that you can say, this is what I firmly believe and I firmly hold, and this is what I know to be true. These are the things in life that you say, there is no gray to this. It's either black or white. And I've decided that this is who I want to be and this is who I show up. And when you are able to know those convictions and take them to heart. It gets much easier later in life to stand by what you know to be true, because this is your conviction that you have a seed that you have planted on good soil. And you, throughout your life, in your early 20s and beyond, you have watered it, you have pruned it, you have cultivated it to where it is something that is going to have so much growth and so many deep roots that it can't be cut down to where it doesn't matter what somebody says, it doesn't matter the disagreement. Your roots are deep enough to where you said this is my belief at the cost of anything else to to distract away from it. And this is what I know and this is why I can disagree and stand firm in what I believe. Great question, Austin. Can't wait to see where your wisdom takes you in life.

[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Christy]

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