Podcast Summary: The Jefferson Fisher Podcast

Episode: The 3 Signs You’re Being Gaslit (And What to Do About It)
Host: Jefferson Fisher (Civility Media)
Date: February 17, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, Jefferson Fisher tackles the increasingly common—but frequently misunderstood—topic of gaslighting. He breaks down what gaslighting actually is, how to recognize it in your own relationships (both internal and external signs), what to do if it’s happening to you, and how to identify if you may be unconsciously gaslighting others. Fisher’s mission is to empower listeners with actionable tools to improve communication, minimize conflict, and foster healthier conversations.

What Is Gaslighting? (Starts at 05:35)

• Definition & Origins:
  Jefferson defines gaslighting as a communication tactic where "somebody’s trying to distort your reality...to make you question your truth" and ultimately trust their perception over your own (05:40).
  He shares the origin of the term from a 1930s play/movie where a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her sanity by repeatedly turning down the gas light and denying it (06:20):

  “He would turn it a little bit lower ... and she'd say, ‘That light's a little bit lower.’ And he's like, ‘I don't know what you're talking about. You're crazy.’” (06:20)
  The key: gaslighting is about making someone lose trust in their own experience—so they must rely on the other person’s version of reality.

• Intentional and Unintentional Forms:
  While gaslighting can be a deliberate control tactic, Fisher notes it can also happen unintentionally (08:00).

  “I've gaslit, you've gaslit. We all have done it intentionally, unintentionally. It happens.” (08:23)
  It’s different from lying, as it’s a pattern of undermining someone’s point of view to protect the gaslighter’s sense of security.

The 3 Signs You're Being Gaslit

1. Internal Signs—How You Feel (09:30)

• You leave conversations feeling more confused (09:50)
• You repeatedly think: "Am I crazy? Am I the problem?"
• You feel the need to write things down or track conversations so you have “proof” of what happened (10:15)
• Guilt emerges for bringing up issues; you start feeling inconvenient or problematic just for raising concerns (10:40)
• Constantly doubting yourself and your perception, especially post-conversation

“Whenever you feel like you are constantly going, ‘This just doesn’t feel right to me...I feel like I'm the only one that's pointing out there's a problem...and all of a sudden when I point out a problem, I'm the issue now.’” (10:55)

2. External Signs—How the Conversation Shifts (12:30)

Fisher outlines several conversation "shifts" as red flags:

• Table-Flipping: The topic moves swiftly from their actions to your shortcomings (12:45)

  “Instead of it being about the impact of how it felt to you, it's now become about their intention... ‘Well, then that’s your problem because that wasn’t my intent.’” (13:10)

• Tone Policing:
  Instead of addressing the issue, they focus on your tone or delivery (13:45)

  “Maybe there's another shift that ... it's now about your tone. ‘Yeah, I said this, but if you hadn’t have just used that tone...’” (13:49)

• Accountability to Sensitivity:
  Their accountability shifts to your “hypersensitivity.”

  “They could take all accountability right then and there. Instead... now it's about you being too sensitive. 'You can't take a joke... you're less than because you're too sensitive.’” (15:00)

• Shift from Their Behavior to Your Reaction:
  Suddenly, your reaction is deemed the real problem, rather than their actions (16:08)

  “Rather than talking about cause and effect, they're saying that the effect was what stimulated the cause... It's illogical thinking that ultimately only harms you.” (16:36)

3. Being Targeted for Over-Reflection (16:45)

• People most vulnerable to gaslighting are often those who are highly self-reflective and insecure

  “They overthink things in their head all the time... That's where I find that people who are gaslighting kind of get into the crevices of that. They can tell, and they prey on those type of personalities.” (17:14)

What To Do If You’re Being Gaslit (18:40)

Practical Communication Tools

• Use a Grounding Phrase:
  Don’t argue or explain excessively.

  “There’s a phrase that I continue to teach time and time again because it works so well. And it is this: ‘I remember things differently. Period.’” (18:55)

• Don’t justify, over-explain, or try to “prove” your memory

  “Because the more you justify and try to explain, the more you are exposing the things that they can try and shift...” (19:17)

• Alternative phrase:

  "If that doesn’t feel good to you, say ‘That wasn’t my experience. Period.'... It's the ellipses that get you—when you say ‘that wasn’t my experience’ [and keep explaining]... now it becomes ‘Oh my gosh, you’re so draining—can you hear how crazy you sound?’” (19:58)

Red-Flag Words

• Gaslighters will often use words like “unreasonable,” “irrational,” “crazy,” “insane” (20:45)
• When you hear things like:

  “Can you hear how insane you are? How crazy you are? Insane, crazy, unreasonable, irrational. That’s a good one. Those are words that I would say, I’d put in the box of... words that gaslighters use a lot to try and convince you that something is wrong with you.” (21:19)

Re-Establish Trust in Your Own Perspective

• Return to your grounding phrase whenever you’re challenged:

  “Go back to what you know and be grounded and say ‘I remember things differently. That wasn’t my experience.’” (20:35)

What If You’re the Gaslighter? (23:35)

• Gaslighting is a Pattern

  “It’s not just... a one-off thing—it's a pattern of doing it.” (23:40)

• Warning signs:

  • You always end conversations convinced of your own rightness.
  • You never assume responsibility or apologize.
  • Only your “truth” matters, and you consider theirs illogical, crazy, or irrational.
  • Arguments always end with the other person “doubting themselves,” feeling apologetic, and you feeling entirely justified.

  “If at the end of the conversation, you have to walk away as the victor... the other person is doubting themselves at the end of the conversation, yet you are completely sure of yourself...” (23:45)

• Self-Reflection:

  • Check your own conversational patterns.
  • Not a condemnation, but an opportunity for change:

    "That does not mean you’re a terrible person. All right? Because we all do it to some extent...It’s more so that you catching it and not making it a pattern and giving yourself a little bit of grace..." (25:59)

  • Practice: “There are two sides to this coin...‘That’s not my experience. Help me understand—what was yours?’” (26:30)

How to Repair If You Have Gaslit Others (26:40)

• Take ownership for dismissing experiences:

  “You can open your mind and reverse that damage by saying, ‘Hey, look, the other day, I kind of closed you down... I did close you down and made it to where my explanation was really the only logical explanation. I don't think that was very fair. Can I hear what you had to say again one more time?’” (27:00)

• Emphasize openness, empathy, and breaking conversational patterns early before they injure relationships.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Impact of Patterns:

  “A healthy conversation doesn’t make you the problem for pointing out that there’s a problem.” (08:55)

• On Gaslighting’s Emotional Toll:

  “Healthy conversation doesn’t need proof of the truth.” (10:25)

• The Power of a Simple Phrase:

  “I remember things differently. Period.” (18:56)

• Catching Yourself:

  “If it’s always that you’re the one that has to end up with no mud on you and the other person has to be caked all over, chances are you might be gaslighting somebody.” (25:41)

Key Timestamps

• What is gaslighting? 05:30–08:40
• Internal signs you're being gaslit: 09:30–11:30
• External shifts in conversation: 12:30–17:00
• How to respond to gaslighting: 18:40–22:00
• Are you the gaslighter?: 23:40–27:00
• Repairing relationships: 26:40–27:40

Closing Thoughts

Jefferson Fisher’s episode offers a compassionate, clear dissection of gaslighting’s subtle mechanics and emotional harm, providing practical language for protection and repair. The central message: trust your own experiences, look for these communication patterns, and don’t be afraid to set boundaries—even with yourself as you learn and grow in your communication journey.