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This episode is a very special episode because after scouring tons of messages and emails and comments and reviews, I boiled down the top three communication strategies that you listeners told me made the difference for your year. When it came to relationships, came to the workplace and daily conversations. The greatest hits everybody. So if you're going to listen to one episode throughout this entire year, this is the one to listen to. So buckle in. It's going to be a ride. You ready? Let's go. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation. Well, the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm going to ask that wherever you're listening, you click subscribe. It not only makes a big difference for me and my family, it is also part of the promise that I am making to you that in exchange for your subscription and listening to my podcast, I'm going to make you a better communicator. And by subscribing and listening. It is my hope and my mission and my promise to improve your life. Because I believe that a better world begins with a better conversation. And if that's a mission that you can get with, then I am just so grateful that you listen to my episode. And while I have a second of your time, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for listening to my podcast this year. It's something that I'm continuing to improve on and something that I found find such a passion in. When I do these one on ones like this, I know I'm looking at a camera, but what I hope you know is that I'm talking to you directly. You the person who's listening to this, it's not some huge crowd. I'm just talking to you and say I really want to not only help you, I also want you to know I'm really proud of you. By listening to episodes like this and listening to my podcast, I know you listen because you actually care about your communication and you care about your words. And that only means that you're putting actual intention into the relationships and life that you want to build for yourself. So from me to you. One, I'm incredibly grateful and I'm also incredibly proud of you. This episode is brought to you by Cozy Earth. What I love so much about Cozy Earth is that everything that they make is top notch. It's top quality, and I like it all, especially this time of the year where, at least where I'm from, starting to get really cold. And that means I'm going to be wearing something stretchy, like some sweatpants, a hoodie. I'm going to make sure that my bed sheets are what's up. I'm going to. I'm going to make sure that my towels feel nice and soft. All that stuff that you didn't really think was that important as a kid that you realize, man, I really love stuff that fits. It's like you get to a certain age where all of a sudden you look at a piece of furniture and you're like, I think it has really good bones. And then you're like, why did I say. Did I just really say that? Oh, my gosh, I'm. You realize that all of a sudden, you really value a good vacuum. You know what I mean? Like, that's the way it is. Not only is Cozy Earth feel good, it's quality product, and I believe in it. And I'm so pumped that they're a sponsor of this podcast because I've been using them for a long time. You can go to cozyearth.com jefferson use the code jefferson for 40% off. That's cozyearth.com Jefferson use the code jefferson for up to 40% off. And now let's keep going on the episode. Okay. After all of the reviews and the messages in the emails that after looking everything, the number one communication strategy that I heard so much on was, let's do drumroll. Questions of intent. Number one, questions of intent. What are those? Questions of intent are the things that you go to when somebody's saying something that is hurt. Hurtful, something belittling, something that is rude, whether or not they intended it or not, something that you. Makes you go, oh, I don't think. I didn't like that. No, I don't like that. So it could be either in person, somebody says something, maybe it's an email, maybe it's a text. Instead of responding in kind with what you thought they said, maybe they said something that you read as ugly. Well, there's two choices. Either they meant it as ugly or they didn't. Either way, a question of intent is Your number one tool in the toolbox. Why? Because it does two things. One, it keeps you from responding when you ask a question. It's not a response, it's a reflection. And so it gives them now a chance to clarify the other thing it does. It gives them just a second of grace to be able to say, did they, instead of me taking this personally, am I, am I reading this wrong? And let me use a question that goes to their intent. What's the purpose of them asking this? What is a question of intent? Jefferson, I'm so glad you asked. That's a question that is looking to find out the intent, the purpose, the motive for what they said. So let's say that you said something that wasn't very nice to me, something passive, something belittling. And I found it kind of rude rather than me picking it up and throwing it right back at you and saying something worse. Instead, I'm going to ask and begin with did you mean. I can't tell you how many people I have read their email that said this was the phrase that changed the game in the conversation that gave them back their self esteem, that gave them back their backbone, that kept them from walking on eggshells. Was this question right here beginning with did you mean, did you mean to upset me? Did you mean for that to hurt me? Did you mean for that to, did you want to. When you say things like did you? It is taking the spotlight that was on you and reflecting it right back onto them. Did you intend for that to hurt me? Did you want that to upset me? Or even what was your purpose and asking that? That's another variation of it. These are questions that here, instead of trying to match their energy, which is a losing game, instead you are simply going to reflect. You're going to mirror back what you're getting. And let me tell you the different variations of how helpful this is in your life. For one, if you said something hurtful and you meant it to be hurtful, I could say, did you, did you say that to try and hurt my feelings? Now what do you have to do? Now the decision is not on me. Now the decision is on you. I put the spotlight back on. Are you going to double down and say, yes, I meant to hurt you, or are you going to realize that the light is all on? You see, the people who say things and that are ugly and doing things they don't like, they're ugly to be shown. They were just hoping you'd have that quick response. They want that hit of dopamine from you in your negative reaction. And when they realize, wait, I'm not getting it, that's not happening. They typically will shy away from it quickly. They'll say, no, no, no, I mean, I mean, what I meant to say was. I mean, not really. And they start to crawfish backwards. They start backpedaling. Now, if they double down on it, then what I like to say is, thank you. Thanks for letting me know. And then I let them live with their words. I'm not going to carry that. So you, let's say you intended it. That's where it goes. Now, what if you didn't mean to? It was an accident. Maybe you said the wrong thing. If I said, do you. Did you mean for that to hurt my feelings? It gives you the chance. They go, no, no, no, that's not what I. No, that's not what I meant. No. What I meant to say was, no, I said that wrong. This works really well. Listen to me. This works really well in text communication. Text is a low emotion medium, meaning it's really hard to read somebody's emotions in the communication. You have lots of miscommunication when somebody, you know, we have the habit of reading the negative into everything that we get. Somebody sends you a text and they say, that sounds okay. You're like, okay. Oh, okay. Well, sounds okay to me too. Like, we have this negative thing that we always, we never read stuff in the positive if it doesn't have an emoji with it. We never read it in the positive. We always read it in the negative. Like if you just got a text and they said okay, and you're like, okay. Like, what kind of, what kind of okay is that? They easily could have just been a happy okay. All right, so let's say for means here, if she says in a text and instead of me trying to read it as she's upset, I will say, did you mean for that to sound short? She went, no, no, no, I was just doing this with the kids. Or maybe she. And she does the same to me. And I'll say, no, no, no, I was just, I was, I, I had our son and was doing X, Y and Z. Or maybe I was in the, the drive through or whatever it is, you're giving people some grace. So top tool of this year, hands down, is questions of intent. Whenever you get that derogatory comment from somebody at the office, if you get that email that sounded a little bit off to you, instead of choosing to take it personally, let's say an email, you get an email from somebody in the office, instead of choosing to take it personally, if. Let's say Karen sends you an email and you read it and it sounded a little snippy to you, and you're like, oh, I guess Karen's in a bad mood. You know what? I'm kind of in a bad mood. You know, I don't think I like Karen all that much anyway. And then all of a sudden, you're at a meeting and Karen's like, hi. And you're like, hey, it's good to see you. Why? Because you decided that her email meant something ugly. All right? And you're taking it personally, and now it's affecting. It's perpetuating falsehood, your own reality. Right. Instead of that, you just email her back, hey, did you mean for that to sound upset? Allow her the chance to say if it is or not. If there's one thing I've seen how many conflicts have been avoided by simply using a question of intent? Go to the purpose first. Find the intent first. If they double down on it, that's a different. That's a totally different maneuver that at least allows you to expose that. Okay, thank you. I want to make sure that how you're reacting is exactly who you are. Thank you for showing me who you are. Oh, that's a great phrase to use. Let's add that. Thank you for showing me who you are. If they double down on that, you say, did you mean for that to embarrass me? And they go, yeah, I did. Thank you for showing me who you are. Oof, man, I think I might need to make something on that. So that kind of stuff, y' all is going to level up your game so much. All right, here we go. Number two, the next biggest communication technique that helped every single one of you was remembering your breath. The power of the pause helping you remember that. Stop. The rapid fire responses. If you ask me a question and I immediately have a rapid fire response, oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, I think this, I think that, and I'm going fast, fast, fast versus taking a breath. I don't think that's for me. Which one sounds more powerful? Which one sounds more controlled? Which one sounds. I'm more confident. I know where I'm going. I'm grounded. It's always. And I rarely use the extremes. Always. I've always seen that work. Whenever you have slower words, lower words, and you use your breath and pick your timing. Pick your timing for how and when you want to say it. The conversation is always going to make you sound way more controlled. Let your breath be the first word that you say. What. What kind of breath? It's a conversational breath. It's one I teach to every single one of my clients as I'm preparing them for deposition and cross examination to help control their nervous system, to regulate their emotions. And we're going to go through it right now. You ready? All right. It's. It's called a physiological sigh. Mimics a sigh going to go two seconds into your nose, One more at the top through your nose, then out through your nose. Now do that for a little bit while you're listening to me. Just. It does not have to be exaggerated. You can do it as quiet as a mouse. Nobody even know that you're doing it. What it does is allow you. What you're going to realize is I'm now listening and observing the conversation. I'm not in the conversation. I'm observing what's happening. I'm not trying to absorb what's happening. Your breath regulates your body to make sure that prefrontal cortex is always going to. Rather than you getting emotionally flooded. And the logical side of your brain just gets turned off when you keep that breath going. When we slow it down, when we decide that we're going to put about five to seven seconds between our response, if somebody is trying to offend us in some way, it resets the chessboard. If you say something to me that's pushing a limit and I take about five seconds to look at you, or maybe look off and I'm breathing, or I say, I need to think about this. I need to think about what I'm going to say. I need to think about my response. What a power move that is, man. I might need to make another video on that. I need to think about my response. That's so good. What does that signal to the people around you? Says, I am in control at all times. See this conversation we're having? You think that you're running the show. Let me reset the chessboard for you. I'm going to take a breath, and I'm going to choose when I speak what kind of pause. Maybe a different way to say it is. I like to say as a piano note is ending its sustain. That's how long that breath needs to be. All right, so imagine you pressing on the key of a piano and then just letting it go until it ends. That's the kind of pause I want you to give. I want you to imagine as they are talking and they're saying things that are hurtful. Their words just fall to the ground. They don't even reach you. They just dribble out. And the worse words, the more toxic the language, the more just slides out, right? It doesn't even go anywhere. It just goes right to their feet. It's garbage. And listen to me, you are not in the habit of picking up garbage. When they say things that are horrible, despicable things, you do not pick those up. You let them sit in it, let them stain in it. Don't go anywhere near it. You stay clean away. How we do that using our breath and pauses. I want to take a quick second to tell you about Fabric by Gerber Life. 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And then after the conversation, I am kicking myself because I just couldn't stop talking. I couldn't stop talking. Hey, first off, I want you to understand there's nothing wrong with that. You're normal, you're just fine. Why does it happen? Generally, it happens because of a deep insecurity of feeling like you're not being believed. My guess is it has to do with things that happen in your past as a child. I feel like you had to talk more to be listened to. You had to talk more to feel believed. You had to talk more to feel competent and that you always needed to over explain in order for you to feel okay. And that's continued to become a pattern in your life that is perfectly okay. It can be changed. We can do all kinds of techniques. But I want you to understand, just because you talk a lot, nothing wrong with you, all right? I was a kid that always talked a lot. I know lots of people who talk a lot. It matters when the moment matters. If you're over explaining when you need to say less take, then it's always going to hurt in some way. Because if you're in a conflict with somebody and you start over explaining and you keep on talking, what happens is the other person loses the point. Because instead of trying to listen to the point you're trying to make, they start getting defensive about the additional things you're adding. So you might try to be recalling a story of like, well, you did this and I did this. And then you just start talking, you're not getting to the point. And the other person goes, well, that's not how I would put it. Well, well, that feels a little harsh. And they start getting more defensive because you're just saying surplus information, things that are not relevant to the point. And maybe even if they are relevant, they are not helpful. What's the mindset that I want you to have? This is something that resonated so much with many of you, and it is, instead of being a waterfall, be a well. Rather than feeling like you have to gush information and give them way too much and so much so that the message just gets swept away. A waterfall of information, more than they can possibly even hold at that moment where it's going to confuse them, it's going to overwhelm them. Be a well, all right. A well is very confident in the depth of its knowledge. A well is always going to give you exactly what you came there to get so if somebody needs something from you, you're going to answer concisely. You're going to say less. And if they have more questions, they're going to ask you. This is the time, this is the season of your life that you're going to trust that if somebody needs something, they will ask. You're not going to just selflessly give and people, please and try to over explain because that's not helping them. You're trying to do it to help yourself. All right? You're trying to soothe yourself in that moment. We're going to create the habit of saying exactly what we need to say. So here's a test. Here's a test. And I, and I do this for companies all the time. If you can't say it in three sentences, you need to rethink it before you send that text, that email. If you cannot explain, if you cannot describe how you feel and what's going on in three sentences or less, you need to redo it. I'm not saying this is a hard and fast rule. I'm saying it's. It's a pretty good parameter of a gauge of am I over explaining? Because we know what it's like when you send. Let's say you're in a text argument. Ever been in a text argument with your spouse or somebody in relationship with and there may be a friend, and what do we do? We write like a paragraph, a whole paragraph of text, and you send it. Do they even really respond to the point you're making? No. They chose to pick off something else that you said and they decided to start off a fight about that. Why? Because you gave too much. You gave too much. You need to be concise. So when you say less words, you sound more confident, you sound more assertive. Less is more. All right. Silence, meaning me choosing not to say anything. Silence can never be misquoted. Silence can never be misquoted. When I am saying less words, it means I'm choosing my words. So let's put it to the test. If I can't explain this whole episode in three sentences, and this is just me going off the cuff here, this is what it would be. You ready? Number one, if you want to address something that is offending, you use a question of intent to reveal its true motive. Number two, anytime that you feel like things are sweeping too fast in the conversation, use your breath in a conversational breath to slow it down and maintain control on your pace. And number three, when you want to sound more confident, use less words. Over explaining has A tendency to hurt you more than it helps you, period. All right, that's three sentences. I want you to know there's nothing inherently wrong with over explaining. It just cuts down on your credibility. It's like this mindset of the more words it takes to tell the truth, the more it kind of sounds like a lie. The more words it takes you to explain something, the more it sounds. Maybe you don't really know what you're talking about. When you have concise words, it helps you, it helps everybody, and that means better conversation. All right, how's that concise? No, over explaining, straight to the point. It's part of the reason why I like doing my content the way I do it is because when I can be extremely concise in my 1, 2, threes, and making the content that's going to be short, impactful, practical, you're going to absorb it more. What does that mean? When I give shorter content, it's easier to digest. I'm still going to do long form content. This is a form of long form content, though. This is shorter. This is a shorter podcast, but I like shorter version because it fits my life. So I like doing 15 minute podcasts because that makes my life easier. I don't have to be away from kids as long if I have to do it to make sure I can go pick them up from school. That's the kind of priority I'd rather set in my life than trying to have a much longer podcast. Maybe we will sometime, but that's just not the stage of life I'm in right now. So what's another good takeaway? Make sure that your communication fits you. Make sure the conversations you're having fit you. Go back through the year, write down the top three things, the conversations that you struggled with. Now, you don't have to be specific, just the type. Maybe you struggle with conversations that have to do with asking for something. Maybe they're conversations that you struggle with saying no to something, turning them down, whatever it is. I want you to send me another email, write a comment, tell me how the year has impacted you and what strategy you've implemented that maybe it's not on the top three list. That's something. You should add this to the top three. If you find that there should be another I should add maybe a number four, tell me, I'll put it in my newsletter. You can try that. By the way, if you have not joined my newsletter, you can go down in the the links and you'll see that I send a. I send an email right to your inbox once a week, giving you one communication tip that I promise you you're going to have some way to implement it in the next conversation that you have. Again, I am incredibly privileged to wrap up the year having the chance to speak and pour life into you and your relationships and your people because it is something that is a passion that fills me up. People ask, what is your why? My why is not only choosing to be there for my family and be a better husband and be a better father, but, and you see, I did that. And it's to share knowledge that I have that it is my, my pleasure to. To give. And it's when you find your purpose in life and you feel like you have a gift, then it is your blessing to be able to share it. So I want you to know me having this time to talk to you, it's. It's truly my blessing and it is a joy in my life. So hopefully in this next year I might get to meet you, might go on tour. You never know. Anyway. All right, everybody, top three communication tips this year. Greatest hits. Hope you enjoyed it. And as always, you can try that and follow me and I'll see you next year. And Doug, here we have the Limu Emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug. Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us? Us? Cut the camera. 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