What to Say to a One-Upper

Summary

The Jefferson Fisher Podcast: "What to Say to a One-Upper" – A Comprehensive Summary

Release Date: December 3, 2024

Introduction

In the episode titled "What to Say to a One-Upper," hosted by Jefferson Fisher under Civility Media, the discussion zeroes in on the ubiquitous social phenomenon of one-upping. Jefferson delves into understanding what one-upping entails, its impact on relationships, and actionable strategies to handle such interactions gracefully. This episode is especially valuable for anyone looking to enhance their communication skills and foster more meaningful, less competitive conversations.

Understanding One-Upping

Jefferson Fisher begins by defining one-upping, a term familiar to many, even if they haven't heard it explicitly. He explains:

"One upping is where you say something and somebody else has to make what they say sound bigger, better, and more impressive... it's always having to make yourself feel like you are the more superior person..." (02:15).

One-upping occurs when an individual responds to another's statement by sharing a similar experience but exaggerates its significance. For example, if someone shares running a 5K, a one-upper might respond by mentioning running a marathon the previous year. This behavior shifts the focus from the original speaker to the one-upping individual, often leading to diminished rapport and strained relationships.

Why One-Upping Happens

Jefferson emphasizes that one-upping is a natural, often subconscious behavior rooted in personal insecurities. He observes:

"When we one up, it's because there is an insecurity that says, I don't feel like I'm good enough... it's this kind of competition..." (10:45).

This competitive instinct drives individuals to seek validation and assert their own value, sometimes at the expense of others. Recognizing that everyone engages in this behavior to some extent is crucial in addressing and mitigating its negative effects on interactions.

Strategies to Handle One-Upping

Jefferson outlines three primary strategies to navigate conversations with one-uppers effectively:

1. Let Them One-Up Once

   Jefferson advises allowing someone to one-up you the first time it happens without immediate retaliation. He explains:

   "Number one, the first time that somebody one-upps you, you're going to let them... because you're going to hear in your mind, insecurity. That's what it is most of the time." (06:30).

   By giving them this space, you gain insight into their insecurities and can better understand their behavior without feeling personally slighted.

2. Set Boundaries and Limit Sharing

   After the initial encounter, it may be beneficial to limit sharing personal successes or stories with individuals who habitually one-up. Jefferson states:

   "If someone keeps one upping, you just respond with a positive comment and know that this is not somebody that you're going to continue to share things with." (15:50).

   This approach helps protect your emotional well-being and fosters more authentic, supportive relationships.

3. Respond Lightheartedly

   When confronted with one-upping, responding with humor or light-hearted comments can defuse tension. Jefferson suggests phrases like:

   • "I wasn't trying to compare, I was just wanting to share."
   • "Not all of us can be you." (25:10).

   These responses acknowledge the one-upping attempt without escalating the situation, maintaining a positive conversational tone.

Avoiding Being a One-Upper

Jefferson also addresses how to ensure you aren't inadvertently one-upping others. Through a listener question, he emphasizes the importance of active listening and engaging without competition. For example, he recommends asking open-ended questions such as:

• "What was your favorite part?"
• "Can you tell me more?" (32:20).

By doing so, you demonstrate genuine interest and encourage deeper dialogue, reducing the likelihood of slipping into competitive storytelling.

Listener Q&A: Managing One-Upping in the Workplace

A listener named Renee from Maine poses a question about being perceived as a one-upper in a close-knit, cubicle-based work environment. Jefferson responds by acknowledging the challenge and providing tailored advice:

"Instead of immediately sharing your own story, just give one little question like 'What was your favorite part?' and watch them just light up." (30:45).

He emphasizes the significance of context, suggesting that in professional settings, maintaining a cooperative and supportive demeanor is essential. By focusing on the other person's experience and showing genuine interest, you can foster a more collaborative and less competitive atmosphere.

Conclusion and Key Takeaways

Jefferson Fisher wraps up the episode by reiterating the core lessons:

1. Don’t Take It Personally: Recognize that one-upping often stems from the other person's insecurities rather than a reflection of your worth.
2. Respond Thoughtfully: Use positive affirmations and light-hearted comments to maintain harmony in conversations.
3. Engage Authentically: Prevent the cycle of one-upping by actively listening and showing genuine interest in others' stories.

"We're not going to take it personally. We're going to see the insecurity in the other person... Just ask one little question at the end and they're going to feel like you're engaging." (47:30).

Implementing these strategies can lead to more fulfilling and less contentious interactions, enhancing both personal and professional relationships.

Final Thoughts

In "What to Say to a One-Upper," Jefferson Fisher provides a nuanced exploration of a common social dynamic, offering practical tools to navigate and mitigate the tendency to one-up. By fostering empathy, patience, and active listening, listeners can transform their conversations into more meaningful and supportive exchanges.

For more insights and actionable communication strategies, listeners are encouraged to subscribe to The Jefferson Fisher Podcast and explore resources such as his book, The Next Conversation.

Transcript

[Jefferson Fisher]

So you decide to share a story and after it's over, your friend turns to you and says, ah, that's nothing. I got one even better this one time. And there they go. You've just been one upped. What do you do in that situation and how should you handle it? That's what we're going to be talking about on today's episode. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm going to ask you to please follow this podcast and if you would leave a review. If you have any topic suggestions, just throw them in the comments. I also want to let you know that my new book, the Next Conversation is officially out for pre order and there in the show notes you will find the links. Now, in case you aren't familiar with the term, you're certainly familiar with what it feels like. One upping is where you say something and somebody else has to make what they say sound bigger, better and more impressive. To where? If you were to tell me, hey, I just ran a 5K, I go, oh, that's awesome. You know, last year when I was running this marathon, you know, I had. Or if you say, hey, I just got a promotion, I go, oh, that's, that's wonderful. I remember when I got my promotion, they gave me this really great corner suite. It's always having to make yourself feel like you are the more the superior person, the bigger, the better everything to where it shifts focus away from the original speaker to funnel it back towards ourselves and that, and that's what happens. It happens to us, it happens to other people. It's a very natural thing to do. So I don't want you to feel like it's only one person does this. We all do it without thinking of it. It can be little, it can be big. But one upping eventually is just corrosive to relationships because it doesn't open a dialogue for us to be proud of one another. And what it does is it dismisses other people, it puts them on an overcast to always overshadow what they're doing. So we're really going to be careful about it, talk about how to stop it when it's happening to you, what to do, and more importantly, to make sure we don't do it ourselves. Number one, the first time that somebody one ups you, you're going to let them, let them one up you. Because the truth is they weren't really listening to Your story to begin with. They were only thinking of what they wanted to share to one up you while you were talking. You're going to just let them do it because it's also informing you some really important information. And it's this. This person who's one upping. You may not be someone who you need to continue to share things with, somebody who's not going to really be all that happy for you. So you're going to just let them do it because you're going to hear in your mind, insecurity. That's what it is most of the time. When we want up, it's because there is an insecurity that says, I don't feel like now I'm good enough and now I need to share something to make me sound better. That they feel that I'm also important, that I also have value. It's this kind of competition, like two kids trying to say who has the better art project between them. Like with my two kids, my son and my daughter, my son's a little bit older, you know, my daughter is always trying to compete and so is my son. And so we really work to discourage that. But it's kind of that same concept of you also want to feel like you're adding value and that you're also important. So when somebody's one upping you, when you see it as insecurity, it takes away. Keeps you from getting defensive and takes away that feeling of taking it personally, that, oh, man, this is. How could they do that to me? Can't they see that I'm sharing the story? Oh, they just wanted to show how good they are. Always putting me down. Instead, you flip that mentality and go, what am I missing here? Ask the question, where is the insecurity? Where's the insecurity? What, what need are they not getting? Yes. It doesn't matter what they look like. It doesn't matter how much money they have. You and I both know people that have a lot of wealth in. In life, in terms of money, but in success. But they have little wealth when it comes to intrinsic value within themselves. They're still unhappy. They're just not happy with their home, their friends, their family. Wealth comes and success comes in many different ways. Y'all know this. But when you hear that insecurity and you hear that one upping, that's what I want you to think of, where is this coming from? And you just respond, well, that's great. That's good for you. I'm happy for you. And just Let it go and know that this is not somebody that you're going to continue to share things with. That's why number two, I want you to just put your settings to private. When somebody ups me, I don't try to say another story. So if I say something that's a two and they try giving a story that's a six, I'm not going to go oh yeah, well I got one even better than that and go for a nine because now I'm just doing it to them. Now it really is a competition. Instead just understand I'm not going to share stuff with this person anymore. I'm going to make sure that I'm not going to overshare. I'm not going to share this with this stranger or this worker that I know or even people that are within your own family. Like I, I have members of my own family that if I share something doesn't matter what kind of success it is, they will bring up a success of their own that should have been better in some way if life had just been differently and just have a hard time being happy for somebody and you really can't control that. There's no phrase I can give you that's going to make somebody else more happier with their life that they can be giving in their praise and giving and thankfulness of hearing your story. And number three, if you're one up, if you get one up and you're sharing something with someone, it's okay to just light heartedly go, let's, that's great. You know, I wasn't trying to compare, I was just wanting to share. It's an easy little phrase. I wasn't trying to compare, I was just trying to share. What it's doing is saying, hey look, I'll put it on me here, I'll put it on me. I wasn't trying to create a competition, I was just sharing this little story. I'll also be kind of light hearted sometime and go, yeah, well I mean, you know, not all of us can be you. I'm just trying to share my little story over here and I let them be the bigger person. I let them be the star of the show because I know really that's what they're needing and if it is something that I need then it's me who's the one. I have to have the accolade. I have to have this feeling then it's really a great way to turn inside and reflective of saying what am I needing? Why am I sharing this? Am I sharing this so that they will give me praise. Am I sharing this because I have the insecurity right now. So it's a great way of just taking yourself out of it, detaching in the moment, saying what am I truly needing and being very selective with who you share good news with. All right, now we're at my favorite part of the podcast and that's where I get to read a question from a follower. Those that are part of my newsletter are able to ask me questions and I'm able to answer them and it's a whole lot of fun and meaningful to me. So if you're not part of that newsletter, you can sign up there in the show notes. You'll see the link to sign up for the newsletter. This segment of the podcast is sponsored by a company called Cozy Earth and it's good name because their stuff really is cozy. I wore it all weekend long. I like Cozy Earth as a sponsor of this podcast because I use their stuff. Their sheets are on my bed. My wife wears their pajamas, their pajama sets, and I wear most. I usually wear sweat shirts and sweatpants when it's cold. On the weekends, it's just you want to be comfortable right when you're, when you're home and chilling. So if you're looking for something this holiday season, I would definitely check out Cozy Earth. They're awesome. You can go to cozyearth.com jefferson and use the code jefferson for 40% off. All right, this is. I'm going pull up my newsletter. This one I already have ready. This is Renee from Maine. I thought that rhyme for a second. It does not. Renee goes. Jefferson, I love your stuff. Thank you so much. That's very sweet, Renee. Thank you. I have a question. I work here in a, a cubicle setting and we're very close together. I am somebody who. I've. Let me rephrase that. My friend who I work with has said I am a 1 upper. I really try not to be. But do you have any recommendations or tips for making sure that I am not the one upping my friend? I'm really trying not to do that. I also think it's kind of oversharing, but I have a problem with that. Any suggestions would help. Renee, I got you. You're not the only one who does that because it's very natural. It's very, very natural to want to share and explain things with. You have to remember all of these tips are contextual, meaning if I'm with one of my best friends, we don't care about one upping because he knows that I love him and he loves me. We're proud for each other. And it's never a competition. If it's a co worker who I vaguely know and we're just co worker friends kind of thing, or somebody who's a colleague, it's a different feeling. I gotta be careful who I share things with because they might take it competitively. And also sometimes it's just cultural. Like, I'll admit, in the legal world, it's very, very common for let's say I gave a trial story, I told a story about a trial that I had and another attorney go, oh, yeah, well, I got this one time. And then they tell their trial story and somebody goes, well, the one time I had this client and they tell something about a deposition. It's very common to one up in a way, but it's just really, who can say the funniest thing? Or what's a funny, unique story that you can share and it's not meant as a dismissing wanted to overshadow somebody kind of way. So I'm going to say any of this advice I'm giving you, Renee, needs to be confined to the context that you're living in. So let's, let's assume the best. Let's assume that everybody's friends and it's a good work environment. If you find that you are one upping people by accident, don't get hard on yourself. This is what I want you to do. And it's easy, Renee. It's easy when somebody's sharing a story with you rather than immediately thinking, oh, I need to relate to them, I need to tell a story instead of immediately going, okay, as soon as they finish, I need to give mine so they feel like I'm relating with them in a way and connecting with them. That's not the way it sounds. It sounds like you're one upping them. That's where the pain point is. Instead, Renee, this is so easy. All you need to do is ask one question, just one question. As soon as they finish their story, ask an easy layup question such as, what was your favorite part? Simple as that. What was your favorite part? Or can you tell me, tell me more or what else happened? Something to where you just sound like you are engaged just a little bit. If you just add on a little bit, Renee, the other person is going to immediately like brighten up, like, oh, you listened. Oh, you, you hear me? Oh, you're interested? Okay, I'm giving something of value. You do find it funny, you do it worthwhile for them to just give a little bit more. My favorite is what was your favorite part? Because when you do that, it gets them to replay back in their mind and share something, maybe an insight that they didn't think of and they're going to go, oh, I really appreciate that question. I mean, if you've seen when celebrities get interviewed, right? When they, when they get that interview question from someone that they weren't expecting, what do they go? Oh, that's such a great question. Oh, wonderful. I really appreciate that. Nobody ever asked me that. It's because I'm. They're really taking an interest in them. So it's as easy as that. Renee, when somebody's given a story, instead of immediately sharing your own, just give one little question like what, what was your favorite part? And watch them just light up. And then, then they're going to be much more receptive to you sharing yours. Or you can even ask, do you mind if I share one? Do you mind if I share something? I had a similar story and they're going, yeah. And then once you get their buy in and they've given you the green flag to start, I hope it's a green flag. I don't know what they start in races. Once they say 3, 2, 1, go, then, then you'll be able to share your story and then they'll be interested. It doesn't feel like a clash. So you're not doing anything wrong. Renee. It's very common. It happens all the time. It just depends who you're talking to, what the situation is, what the environment's like. But it's going to. You'll make it all go away. Is all you have to do is just ask one little question after it and that's going to make you connect with them on a level that feel much more comfortable for them to listen to your side of the fence and hear your story. And I think it's going to be much better for you. And that way you don't feel like you're trying to compete and over explain or over share, it's going to be something that, that'll work out much better for you. Okay? Thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, I'm going to ask you to follow this podcast and if you would please leave a review or give a star or a thumbs up or a like or whatever it is on the platform form you're listening to because it really, really makes a difference for me if you have any topic suggestions that you have, don't ever hesitate to just put them in the comments and I'm the one that looks at them and I always go, oh, that's a great topic or that's a good one. And I, I keep those. So if you have something, don't be afraid to put it in there. Today we learned all about what do you do when somebody's trying to one up you biggest takeaway is that we're not going to take it personally. We're going to see the insecurity in the other person. We might say something like, hey, I wasn't trying to compare, I just wanted to share what we had. You're going to find that's going to smooth most things and to keep yourself from one upping somebody even unintentionally, all you need to do is ask one little question at the end and they're going to feel like you're engaging and it's going to break away for a much better conversation between the two of you. As always, you can try that and follow me.