Summary of "What to Say to Someone Who’s Grieving" - The Jefferson Fisher Podcast

Episode Information:

• Title: What to Say to Someone Who’s Grieving
• Release Date: July 29, 2025
• Host: Civility Media (Jefferson Fisher)

In this deeply empathetic episode, Jefferson Fisher delves into the sensitive subject of communicating with individuals who are grieving. Recognizing the profound challenge of finding the right words during such times, Jefferson provides practical advice and heartfelt insights to help listeners offer genuine support without inadvertently causing more pain.

Introduction

Jefferson opens the episode by acknowledging the difficulty many face when trying to comfort someone who is grieving. Sharing his personal experience with a family that recently lost their 8-year-old daughter, he sets a poignant tone for the discussion:

"In my personal life, there's been a family who has recently lost their daughter and her daughter was 8. I can't imagine what that's like." (00:45)

Understanding the Struggle

He empathizes with listeners who may feel paralyzed by uncertainty about what to say or how to offer support effectively:

"You don't know if what you're going to say is going to make it better or is it going to make it worse." (01:10)

Key Strategies for Supporting the Grieving

1. Avoid Conditional Offers of Help (“Let me know if…”)

Jefferson emphasizes the importance of removing phrases like "Let me know if you need anything," explaining that such statements can inadvertently place an additional burden on the grieving person:

"If you need something, you call me. And here, my work, my work here is done." (03:20)

He argues that these phrases transfer the responsibility of reaching out onto the individual who is already struggling, offering no immediate support.

2. Take Action Without Asking

Instead of making conditional offers, Jefferson advises taking concrete steps to help:

"Just do it without even asking. I promise you that is much better, a much better sign of you being in it with them." (05:15)

Examples of Actions:

• Mowing the yard
• Delivering food
• Running errands

These acts demonstrate tangible support and alleviate some of the practical burdens the grieving person may face.

3. Refrain from Asking for Details

Jefferson cautions against probing questions about the circumstances of the loss, especially when emotions are still raw:

"Do not ask for details, especially when it's fresh." (07:30)

He explains that questions like "What happened?" or "How did they pass away?" can feel invasive and add to the grieving person's stress. Instead, simple statements of sympathy are more appropriate.

Recommended Phrases:

• "Thinking about you."
• "Sending you my love."
• "Sending a big hug."

These phrases convey support without demanding a response or additional emotional energy from the grieving individual.

4. Validate Their Emotions Instead of Offering Unsolicited Positivity

Jefferson highlights the pitfalls of forcing positivity onto someone who is grieving:

"When somebody's going through grief, they're grieving because it is a process. That is not the time to try to be positive." (10:50)

He advises against statements like "At least they're in a better place," which can invalidate the person's feelings and add to their pain.

Instead, He Recommends:

• Agreeing with their pain: "This is devastating. This is horrible. I hate it."
• Expressing genuine empathy: "I'm so sorry you're going through this."

These approaches acknowledge the depth of their grief and offer sincere comfort without diminishing their emotions.

Managing Your Role in Supporting Others

Jefferson underscores the importance of authenticity in your support. If you're unable to offer specific help, it's better to be honest rather than make empty promises:

"If you're not in a position to do it, don't pretend that you are." (13:40)

He stresses that genuine gestures, no matter how small, are far more valuable than hollow offers that may inadvertently cause more stress.

Encouraging Physical Acts of Support

Towards the conclusion of the episode, Jefferson encourages listeners to express their support through simple physical gestures:

"Go hug somebody, hug a stranger. I don't care." (15:30)

He believes that physical acts like hugging can provide immense comfort and convey empathy in a profound yet straightforward manner.

Final Thoughts

Jefferson closes the episode by reinforcing the key takeaways:

1. Remove Conditional Phrases: Eliminate "Let me know if you need anything" and instead offer direct support.
2. Avoid Probing for Details: Respect the grieving person's space and refrain from asking intrusive questions.
3. Validate Their Emotions: Acknowledge their pain without attempting to overshadow it with unsolicited positivity.

By implementing these strategies, listeners can become more compassionate and effective communicators, ultimately fostering deeper connections and reducing misunderstandings during times of loss.

Notable Quotes:

• “If what you're going to say to them begins with 'let me know if.' Stop. Erase it. I cannot be any more serious.” (02:00)
• “Do not ask for details, especially when it's fresh.” (07:30)
• “When somebody's going through grief, they're grieving because it is a process. That is not the time to try to be positive.” (10:50)
• “If you're not in a position to do it, don't pretend that you are.” (13:40)
• “Go hug somebody, hug a stranger. I don't care.” (15:30)

By following Jefferson Fisher's insightful advice, listeners are better equipped to provide meaningful support to those who are grieving, embodying the podcast's mission to "communicate with confidence so you can argue less and talk more."