The Jefferson Fisher Podcast

Episode: You’ve Been Talking All Wrong in Difficult Conversations
Host: Jefferson Fisher (Civility Media)
Date: October 21, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Jefferson Fisher dives straight into practical strategies to improve communication during difficult conversations. Fisher identifies three “conversation landmines” that often escalate conflict and offers simple, actionable ways to avoid them. The episode is concise, energetic, and focused on helping listeners argue less and connect more—turning everyday conversations into opportunities for meaningful connection.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Landmine #1: Avoiding “You” Statements

• Main Idea: Opening statements with “You...” (“You need to...”, “You never...”) puts others on the defensive and fuels conflict.
• Explanation: Fisher describes how “You” statements inherently feel accusatory, causing a ping-pong of blame and defensiveness.
• Actionable Advice:
  • Start sentences with “I” instead (e.g., “I feel upset when...”, “I need to feel heard,” “I feel confused about...”).
  • Express your feelings directly; claiming them gives you more control.
• Notable Quote:

  "The power of the first word out of your mouth... If I were to say, 'You need to do this, you need to listen,' ...what does it do? It puts the other person in a defensive posture." (03:27)

• Timestamp: [03:15–05:08]

2. Landmine #2: Disclaimers that Weaken Your Point

• Main Idea: Phrases like "I don't mean to be rude, but..." or "I could be wrong, but..." actually erode your credibility and set up a defensive dynamic.
• Explanation: Disclaimers signal self-defense and can feel insincere, like a warning before a blow. The other person senses this and gears up for conflict.
• Actionable Advice:
  • If you must use a preface, flip it to a probable: e.g., “This is probably going to sound rude...”
  • Oddly, people then look for reasons why it’s not as rude as you said, softening their reaction.
  • Even better: Drop disclaimers entirely—just say what you need to say.
• Notable Quotes:

  “Whenever you use disclaimers... I'm saying it in anticipation of self-defense.” (08:18)
  “Instead of, ‘I don’t mean to sound disrespectful,’ say, ‘This probably could sound disrespectful.’” (09:01)

• Timestamp: [06:55–10:24]

3. Landmine #3: Failing to Reframe the Conversation

• Main Idea: When conversations loop in circles, it's often because no one has “reframed” or redirected the discussion.
• Explanation: Endless rehashing happens because the real emotional root hasn’t been named or the conversation lacks structure. Internal vs. external processors experience this differently.
• Actionable Advice:
  • Use reframing to move the conversation forward:
    • Replace commands with collaborative language (e.g., “Rather than ‘Calm down’, say ‘Let’s slow things down.’”)
    • Roadmap the discussion (“Now that we've talked about how we feel, let's discuss what this means/what we do next.”)
    • Divide conversation into “boxes” or topics—problem, facts, apology/resolution, next steps.
    • Use “we” language: “How can we avoid this in the future?” “What are we thinking for next steps?”
    • Take breaks when needed as a form of reframing: “I’d love to continue this conversation later.”
• Notable Quotes:

  "If you haven't heard the end of it, then you haven't heard the heart of it." (12:06)
  “Use language like ‘we’ rather than ‘you’. That’s going to help reframe the conversation.” (15:38)

• Timestamp: [12:00–16:45]

Memorable Moments & Quotes

• On “You” Statements:

  "It becomes this ping-pong, it becomes the civil war. It becomes this, this horrible gasoline on a fire that just explodes." (03:43)

• On Disclaimers:

  “That doesn’t jive with us... It’s like me picking up a big club and saying, ‘Look, I’m not going to hit you with this club.’ And you’re thinking, then why are you holding it?” (07:20)

• On Ending the Spin Cycle:

  "When you feel that meter in your mind goes into the red... That’s exactly the time for a reframe." (17:15)

Important Timestamps

• [03:15] – Why “You” statements are conversational landmines
• [06:55] – The problem with disclaimers in speech
• [09:01] – Flipping disclaimers for better effect
• [12:00] – Why reframing stops repetitive arguments
• [14:12] – Using “we” language and mapping out conversations
• [17:15] – Breaks as a reframe; closing encouragement

Action Steps & Takeaways

1. Start with “I,” not “You” — Express your feeling, not their wrongdoing.
2. Ditch or Flip Disclaimers — Don’t weaken your statements before you begin.
3. Reframe Mid-Conversation — Move the talk forward, label stages, and use “we” language. Take breaks to reset if needed.

Tone & Style

Fisher’s tone is energetic, conversational, and direct, combining practical advice with relatable metaphors and moments of humor. The guidance is actionable and designed for immediate application to real-life conversations.

Use your words for good. Try these strategies in your next tough conversation!