#2507 - Harland Williams

Summary

The Joe Rogan Experience #2507 – Harland Williams

Date: May 29, 2026
Guest: Harland Williams (Comedian, Actor, Writer)
Host: Joe Rogan

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Episode Overview

This episode features an energetic and quirky conversation between Joe Rogan and beloved comedian Harland Williams. The two friends dive deep into topics ranging from animal behavior, AI, and human evolution, to the ethics around OnlyFans and the disappearance of sitcoms. Throughout the episode, Harland's signature absurdist humor shines, and the duo maintain a playful and open dialogue about science, society, and the bizarre ways humans relate to the world.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Animal Encounters, Predators, and Human Nature

• Wild Animals and Humans’ Role: Joe and Harland debate whether animals universally fear humans, and discuss predator vs. prey behavior and the consequences of reintroducing wolves to populated areas ([117:00–124:00]).

  • Harland: “There’s something programmed into all the other species on this planet. They go, whoa, there’s a human.” (119:12)
  • Joe: “Animals are scared of predators, dude… It’s their conditioning.” (122:46)

• Team Human vs. Team Animals: The pair discuss ecological balance, whether humans are a ‘parasite’ on Earth, and the trade-offs between animal conservation and human advancement.

  • Harland: “If it came to deciding whether we left Earth with humans or animals, I’d give it to the animals.” (183:52)
  • Joe: “People are gross and cruel. So are chimps…” (185:58)
  • Discussed issues around poaching, encroachment, and complex moral stances regarding wildlife ([134:12–137:00]).

2. Nuclear Deterrence, Submarines, and Global Security

• US Nuclear Submarine Force: Harland and Joe, with plenty of playful banter, discuss Trident submarines, their deterrence function, and the number of sailors currently underwater ([15:00–17:40], [44:00–46:00]).

  • Harland: “One of these damn Trident submarines could put anyone in its place at any time.” (18:01)
  • Joe: “40 to 70,000 people are underwater in submarines at any given moment.” (44:10)

• US Military Invincibility: Harland jokes about Americans winning “even when they're dead” due to their global reach and deterrence capabilities ([21:43–22:03]).

3. The Alien Question, Ocean Mysteries, and Simulation Theory

• Alien Bases Under the Ocean: Discussion of Tim Burchett’s comments about possible undersea alien bases, the limits of deep sea exploration, and the plausibility of extraterrestrial observation ([22:03–32:17]).

  • Joe: “If they can travel here from another planet, they can also go down there and set up a base.” (23:39)
  • Harland is skeptical but entertains ideas about advanced technology, gravity bubbles, and transmedium craft ([30:13–31:12]).

• Simulation Theory: A long, philosophical back-and-forth considers whether our reality is a program, a simulation, or something in-between ([79:50–90:20], [90:24–92:17]).

  • Joe: “What is real? Real is experience… we’re running a biological program.” (89:38)
  • Harland: “But to the schools of salmon spawning up the river and the moose fighting… did you think they’d be part of a simulation?” (85:50)

• DMT & Perception: Joe brings up DMT experiences and the “DMT laser code” phenomenon ([82:03–83:00]).

4. OnlyFans, Sex Work, and Generational Change

• The OnlyFans Dilemma: Ethical and personal conversations about the rise of OnlyFans among young adults, personal dignity, and how parents should talk to kids about sex work ([63:18–68:44]).

  • Joe: “If you treat them like you own them and they have to listen to you, they’ll never listen… always just communicate.” (69:12)
  • Harland: “What is the price you put on your dignity?” (65:48)

• Earnings Realities: Joe reads earnings stats for OnlyFans creators, showing most make far below public perception ([67:23]).

5. AI: Threat or Opportunity?

• Harland’s Take on AI Creativity ([70:02–73:44]):

  • Argues AI can democratize creativity, allowing “the guy at Home Depot” to create art or inventions.
  • Discusses how AI might enable latent talents to flourish and the potential for AI to redefine what jobs and meaning are in a post-work society.
  • Acknowledges fears but emphasizes optimism: “AI is just another small thing… in the giant ladder that's leading this weird species that we are to a bigger, higher, distant place.” (74:02)

• Joe’s Caution: Wonders about job loss, adaptation, and whether AI could eventually lead to universal basic income and a post-scarcity world ([73:45–77:50]).

6. Human Evolution, Fossil Records, and Missing Links

• Discovery of Denisovans and Human Ancestors ([188:25–192:53]):
  • Joe and Harland note the incomplete nature of the fossil record and the late discovery (2008) of the Denisovans.
  • Harland jokes: “The missing link was in an antique shop!” (191:40)
  • Discuss the giant leap in human brain size and the ongoing mystery of the so-called “missing link.”

7. Sitcom Culture, TV History, and Comedy

• The Rise and Fall of Sitcoms: The guests reminisce about the “golden age” of sitcoms, the changing landscape of television, and what killed multicam and live-audience shows ([155:01–158:12]), referencing Big Bang Theory, Seinfeld, Kirby Enthusiasm, and their personal experiences in sitcoms.

  • Rogan: “Isn’t it weird that we still enjoy them? But yet no one makes them anymore.” (149:29)
  • Harland: “That was the dream… to go get a sitcom.” (149:25)

• Behind-the-Scenes of Comedy: Harland shares stories of sitcom anxiety, being on low-rated shows, and the impact of audience feedback ([145:57–164:01]).

  • Notable recollection: Sitting with Jennifer Aniston watching her on Friends, while Harland’s own show sat at the very bottom of the ratings ([161:17]).

8. Personal Moments and Comedic Segments

• Leg Muscles & Absurdity: Harland performs a hilarious gag involving “rubber muscle pants,” claiming it’s the result of an absurd workout involving malaria pills and “gara ruffa” fish therapy ([48:12–53:36]).
• Joe’s Shirtless Debut: Harland encourages Joe to take his shirt off, to playful, supportive praise ([41:00–42:32]).

9. Memorable Quotes & Moments

On Wolves & Human Predators

• “You are like the most universally loved comedian that I know.” – Joe Rogan to Harland ([166:38])
• “If you have Billy, imagine if you had kids and you were walking with your kids and you saw three wolves following you... and you didn't have a gun... how would you feel?” – Joe ([127:43])

On AI & Progress

• “We’re the worker ants right now, and we’re the platform for the future worker ants to get to the pinnacle that we don’t even know what it is yet.” – Harland ([75:06])
• “I think we are in a time of insane change, and that makes people scared.” – Joe ([76:02])

On OnlyFans

• “What is the price you put on your dignity? What is the price you put on your spirit?” – Harland ([65:48])
• “It’s something crazy. Like 10% of girls aged 18 to 24 in the United States are on OnlyFans.” – Joe ([66:03])

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Notable Timestamps

• Submarine/Nuclear Forces: [15:00–18:44], [44:00–46:00]
• Aliens Underwater/Ocean Mysteries: [22:03–33:18]
• Simulation Theory & DMT: [79:50–92:17]
• OnlyFans Discussion: [63:18–69:44]
• Harland's Muscle Pants Gag: [48:12–53:47]
• AI as Creative Revolution: [70:02–74:59]
• Sitcom/Comedy Industry: [155:01–163:59]
• Missing Link/Denisovans: [188:25–192:53]

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Tone & Style

The episode is high-energy, zany, and densely packed with both genuine inquiry and hilarious absurdity. Harland Williams’ trademark surreal comedy meshes seamlessly with Joe Rogan’s penchant for deep, sometimes philosophical, explorations. As always, tangents abound, but the episode is rich with insight, laughter, and thoughtful asides—even during their wilder flights of fancy.

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Who Should Listen

Fans of unpredictable, intelligent, and irreverent longform conversation will love this episode. Whether you’re interested in human evolution, comedy, animal behavior, or the oddities of modern culture, the banter between Joe and Harland offers something both substantial and sidesplitting.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[B]

Joe Rogan Podcast. Check it out.

[A]

The Joe Rogan Experience.

[B]

Train my day. Joe Rogan Podcast by night all day.

[A]

Demetrius here with Donald Trump was here.

[B]

Wow. That made my day.

[A]

It was important. Doesn't matter what side.

[B]

It doesn't.

[A]

No.

[B]

There we go.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

These are nice.

[A]

Dimitri the snake.

[B]

Yeah. Tapeworm.

[A]

Oh, that's right.

[B]

Tapeworm.

[A]

Yeah. What's going on with your face? What are you doing?

[B]

Ah, this is a tight one for me today, guy. I'm feeling ripe.

[A]

What is that? It's as Betty.

[B]

Billy.

[A]

Billy.

[B]

Oh, B I L L Y. It's a. It's a memorial tattoo. I don't know if you knew this or not, but my. My kid got hit by a truck.

[A]

When did you have a kid?

[B]

About two years ago. I haven't told anyone. I was ashamed. It was a one night stand kid.

[A]

Is it a human kid?

[B]

Yeah. Billy.

[A]

You get hit by a truck?

[B]

Got hit by a truck.

[A]

Was he just walking?

[B]

Well, someone, and I won't say who, left the gate open and he wandered out into the street and boom. Like hit by a 18 wheeler. And this is like a memorial.

[A]

So you got Billy tattooed on your forehead?

[B]

I have two tattoos. I got Billy on my forehead and I got a tattoo of his little face over my heart.

[A]

Let me see it.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

God.

[A]

First of all, what happened to the one when you were attacked by the

[B]

bear that healed up? This is Billy.

[A]

Billy Goat.

[B]

He's a kid.

[A]

Billy the Kid?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Poor little guy.

[A]

Poor little guy.

[B]

He was a service animal.

[A]

I thought he was your son.

[B]

Well, he was my boy. He was a kid.

[A]

But you said he got him out of a one night stand.

[B]

Well, that girl sold him to me. It was a service animal. Yeah, it sucks, dude. And you know it sucks. He was hit by a truck that was hauling medical supplies. Okay.

[A]

How ironic, right?

[B]

He's laying there and to watch your kid bleed to death. He's just laying on the pavement like just bleeding to death.

[A]

Amazing he was still alive.

[B]

Well, he. I couldn't believe it. He was alive. And a respirator rolled out of the back of the truck, a life saving device, and crushed his stupid. His crushed his head.

[A]

So he was killed not by the truck, but by the final blow of the respirator landing on him.

[B]

Right. So the irony, what are the odds? Well, this is the irony in life, Joe. Like he got hit by the truck, might have survived a respirator rolled out of the back. These things weigh a good half ton. Lands on the idiot, on the kid's face and gone.

[A]

Poor Billy.

[B]

So memorial tattoos.

[A]

Well, you're a good guy.

[B]

I was a good.

[A]

I would have ate him.

[B]

Is that right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How does goat taste? Have you got it?

[A]

It's pretty good, yeah.

[B]

Wait, you have?

[A]

Sure. First time I ever had it was in LA at a Mexican spot they sell. They were selling goat tacos. They were delicious.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah. And had a neighbor, well, not a neighbor who's a landscaper. There was a friend of mine that would, he would fight chickens. They do chicken fights.

[B]

Fights, yeah, yeah, I've had those.

[A]

Trying to be polite. Cleaning up for the viewers.

[B]

Well, chicken, Chicken fights is kind of the technical name.

[A]

Seems wrong.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When you're saying it.

[B]

Have you ever.

[A]

I don't like how you're saying it, but anyway, they would roast a goat. He told me whenever they would do a fight.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Better. Feel better.

[B]

Well, it's not for me, it's for, for the culture. Yeah, I mean, it is what it is, a pit bull fight.

[A]

Actually, I wonder, how do you say it in Spanish?

[B]

Because El caco.

[A]

So anyway, he lived in this neighborhood. You would swear to God that it was Mexico. It was crazy. Like every sign was in Spanish, all the people were in Spanish. There was roosters everywhere. You just. On his street, you hear like all day long, it was like, it was crazy. And so he had this friend of mine, a friend of his, rather, he went to the. We went to the backyard and in the backyard there's just stacks and stacks of rooster cages. They had so many roosters and they had these prize roosters and they had a whole pit. So they had a thing. It was almost like a barn looking area. And you go in there and there's a pit, a cockpit, and then that's where they would fight. And he was showing me where they would roast a goat. He said every time they would have a cockfight, they'd roast a goat and everybody have beers and.

[B]

Well, if you're gonna have a cockfight, you might as well roast a goat.

[A]

That's what I said.

[B]

But if I had a cockpit in my backyard, I'd get it like a Delta pilot and an American Airlines pilot and toss them in and let them fight it out. Let them fight it out in the cockpit.

[A]

Who do you think would win?

[B]

Probably Delta, because they have the DEI program. Do they?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or in this case, I'll do the dead, the die program because someone ain't coming out alive.

[A]

Well, I think we need pilots, so maybe you should do it with someone. There's, like, overrepresented in the marketplace. Like, what. What would be like, we could get rid of some of those folks who

[B]

we could single out.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Would be like, we've had enough. There's too many of you guys.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Politicians.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Homeless advocates.

[B]

I'd love to see politicians get in a pit and fight.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Two men into one man leave. I mean, that had to. How it went down a long time ago.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

A long time ago.

[B]

Oh, you're talking like cavemen. Years.

[A]

Tribal days.

[B]

Tribal day. Yeah.

[A]

They probably had a fight.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think my opponent's a piece of. He wants to steal all the coconuts.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, I think. I think back then, the hierarchy worked based on physical dominance, intimidation. Like, you'd be a good leader. You got. You got. You're jacked.

[A]

Yeah. I'm not a good leader, though, because I'd be like, you got to do what you want to do. I'm not really interested in running this place. I got to get out of here.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Because once you decide you're running it, you're stuck with everything.

[A]

Yeah. And all the problems are your problems.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And everyone wants to kill you. Like, who the would want to be president? This is why voting for president is a real problem.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like in 2028, it was like, who's gonna win in 2028? Who's gonna win? Who's gonna run? Who wants that job? What normal, healthy person wants that job where at least half the country's gonna hate you? And the people that you got in, that got you in, like, they're not gonna be happy because you're never gonna be able to do what you're saying you want to do. It's not even possible. Would you just put up. Jim.

[C]

I was gonna say, do you think they could start dueling again like they did in the 17.

[A]

Yeah. Many years of history, according to perplexity, our AR sponsor politicians fought literally with fists, canes, swords, and pistols. And some famous ones were killed or badly injured in these clashes. 1700s, 1800s, dueling was a common way for gentlemen and politicians to defend their honor in Europe and the United States. That would be sick. If congressmen, you know, like, on. They start screaming and yelling at each other like they always do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I challenge you to a duel. And everyone's like, oh, let's go. They go out on the White House lawn.

[C]

Andrew Jackson killed Charles Dickinson.

[A]

Yeah. The author was wounded himself. That's not.

[C]

The author is.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. I mean, that's Dickens. That's Dickens. Okay.

[B]

I mean, that's a bad review for a book. When you go, you piece of. I didn't like Tom Sawyer. Boom. Did Dickens write Tom Sawyer or Huck Finn?

[A]

No, no, no. That was Samuel Clemens. Mark Twain. Samuel. Yeah.

[B]

What the hell did Dickens write?

[A]

Oh, I don't remember.

[B]

The.

[C]

The Christmas one.

[B]

Christmas one. The Grinch.

[A]

Which ones?

[B]

He wrote Grinch that stole Oliver Twist.

[C]

Christmas Carol's one. I was trying to think of David Copperfield, Great Expectations.

[A]

Oh, he wrote that.

[C]

Yeah. Christmas Carol's one I was thinking of.

[A]

Okay. He wrote some great stuff. What year was. Put that thing up again about the duels, because. So Jackson killed someone.

[C]

1806.

[A]

In 1806, when was he president?

[C]

Later. This is later.

[B]

Wow. Yeah.

[A]

So he shot someone and then became president. He was a murderer.

[C]

Vice president. Did it in 1804.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

J.D. vance is going out and shooting the Treasury Secretary right now.

[A]

Well, this is crazy. They had a pistol duel with the treasurer. Secretary Hamilton was mortally wounded and died the next day. That'd be crazy.

[C]

This year, right now, he fights at the White House. Maybe they could do that.

[A]

It ended this guy Burr's political career. Scroll back up again. And Aaron Burr. So it was the vice president. Aaron Burr shot the fucking Treasury Secretary. That's crazy. Former treasury secretary. And killed him. And then it ended his career. Even in 1804, they were like, that's outrageous. Yeah, but isn't that crazy? That was just the 1800s.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

200 years ago, they were shooting each

[B]

other, and America's all about guns, so why aren't we just doing that now?

[A]

It would end a lot of, like, really shitty conversations.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because a lot of people, they talk in a way. They say horrible, mean things because they know there's no repercussions.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If. If they could just challenge you to a fist fight on the Senate floor. That was a thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Would change a lot. 1856, Representative Preston Brooks of South Carolina ended the US Senate chamber and brutally beat Senator Charles Summer of Massachusetts. Massachusetts With a cane. After Summer gave an anti slavery speech that insulted Brooks cousin, Summer was left unconscious and badly injured. Whoa. Well, because he gave an anti slavery speech. Imagine. Why'd you hit him? The guy's against slavery.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Did you use a weapon at least? Yeah, use a cane. He's against slavery. What the hell do. Just let him be. Against slavery?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He insulted my cousin, a slave owner.

[B]

Wow. Well, you know, America's, like, kind of built on gun culture, so it sort of seems to fit.

[A]

You know, also combat, like. Thank you. It's just a little bit more. It's like violence. This is gonna be a UFC on the White House lawn.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That seems like a good, safe place to be, huh? Everyone's gonna know where all the world leaders are gonna be. We're all gonna be stuck sitting in that spot for six hours calling fights.

[B]

You're gonna be there, right?

[A]

Super saf. Completely safe.

[B]

You're gonna be there, right? Yeah.

[A]

Oh, I'm gonna be there.

[B]

Do you like the concept of it or no?

[A]

I do not like it.

[B]

How come, Guy?

[A]

Because it's outside, and I think world championship fight should be in a controlled environment.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Out of respect for the athletes and how difficult it is to compete professionally in a world title. However. Yeah, I should say, however, it's going to be a spectacle. Whether I was there or not, I would be watching 100. Yeah, it's. I think it's awesome that Trump. This is one of the things that I like about him.

[B]

He's like, fuck it, let's do it. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

He puts on cage fights on the White House law. That's nuts.

[B]

He's fearless. Yeah.

[A]

But he does wild shit. I like that.

[B]

Yeah, I like that.

[A]

I don't like the Iran war thing, but I like that.

[B]

You don't like the concept that Iran can no longer have nuclear weapons. I think that's better than a UFC fight.

[A]

That is a good concept. However, I don't necessarily know there's a clear way to get out of this. And if you know what we did in Afghanistan for 20 years and how much American taxpayer dollars and how many people lost their lives.

[B]

But in Afghanistan, it felt like they were just sweeping out like goat farmers and guys hiding in caves. Whereas here, there's a directive where they're preventing a rebel country from having a bomb that could annihilate portions of our planet.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

So I think that's a much clearer and more positive agenda than wiping out guys living in the hills of Afghanistan, creating opium.

[A]

That's true. If it made sense. The problem is I had Scott Horton on the podcast explaining what is actually involved in making depleted uranium and making weapons grade and what would have to be done in order to get it to a bomb level. It's very difficult.

[B]

Right.

[A]

It's not as simple. And they weren't nearly capable of doing that.

[B]

Not nearly. But pursuing it's a good question because they were being.

[A]

He was also saying they were being inspected on a regular basis. And essentially this is Israel wanting us to go to this war.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Israel wants. Well, and makes sense. If I was Israel, if we were America and Mexico had nukes pointed at us or whatever. It's not nukes, but you know what I'm saying, Like if they did, if they were trying to build a nuke, if Mexico and America were constantly in conflict.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And Mexico was trying to build a nuclear bomb, that would be a good reason where America would want to go fuck up Mexico. Okay. You can't have a nuclear bomb. This is Israel's position.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Israel's right there with Iran. They're close enough. They're throwing missiles at each other. I get why they would want it. I just don't know if it's a good thing for America and I don't know if there's a way out of it.

[B]

Well, I think what we have to look at is the bigger scope, if not America cleaning it up. Who does it? Who has the power and the wherewithal to do it?

[A]

You know, we've used like two thirds of our missiles doing it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But it leaves us vulnerable if there's any other kind of a conflict. We're like under armed right now.

[B]

I don't think we're ever under armed when we have our Triton submarine force lurking in the oceans 247 and nobody knows they're there, even members of American military.

[A]

What do you know? How do you know this?

[B]

Oh, I know. Things guy Billy tell you this? Billy? Billy's dead.

[A]

Wait a minute. Do you know something about these Triton submarines?

[B]

I sure do.

[A]

What do you know?

[B]

Well, they're, they're. They're circumnavigating our oceans 24 7.

[A]

How many are there?

[B]

I think there's a fleet of 12 to 24. I think it's closer to 12. But these things can stay underwater for up to a year. And most members of our American government don't even know they're there. They don't know where they are.

[A]

How much underwater jerking off is going on right now?

[B]

Well, think about it. One Triton submarine Trident submarine has how

[A]

many guys on it?

[B]

I don't know how many guys, but it has something like 24 nuclear warheads. And how many warhead has 24 that break off? So one of these submarines could take out half the world and we've got them going all the time. So whenever you're afraid of any little hotspot in the world, just remember that we have this going on in the ocean. A lot of people don't know about it.

[A]

I like you say this we shit when you're Canadian.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When the shit hits the fan, Canadians like to pretend they're Americans.

[B]

I'm just not worried. Like I'm not worried about America ever being vulnerable. It's. It's an area, it's. It's a nautical force that you don't really hear about. But if you were to look it up, there's this. There's this force out there that could take out the world.

[A]

Well, Jamie just looked it up.

[B]

Jamie, look it up.

[A]

US Navy Submarine Force today consists of about 53 a fast track of fast attack submarines, 14 ballistic missile submarines and four guided missile submarines, all nuclear powered. That yields a total of roughly 70 to 71 nuclear submarines in the force, making it the world's largest nuclear submarine fleet. Why currently in the oceans is classified. Except for people who talk to Harlan.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Harlan knows the Exact number of US nuclear submarines sea at any moment and their locations are classified. For operational security. The Navy does not release real time deployment figures. Public discussion instead uses overall force in general deployment concepts like continuous SSB and deterrent patrols rather than day by day counts. Okay, that makes you feel a little better.

[B]

Well, you need not worry about. And that's. You didn't even tap into the Tridents. The Tridents are the nuclear ones that run silent. So you're pro.

[A]

You can't.

[B]

That's. That's pinging. That's sonar.

[A]

What do you mean you can't use sonar?

[B]

You can't ping them. They're nuclear. They're silent. They're silent predators in the ocean.

[A]

Really?

[B]

They're huge. And I told you one. One nuclear warhead splits off into 16 or 24. So one of these, one of these damn Trident submarines could put anyone in its place at any time. So don't you worry about our missiles being depleted, Mr. Joe Zachary Rogan Zachary. How do they get a new name? I don't know. I know about submarines. I know about your middle name.

[A]

Okay. I'm have to change my license. Incurred open sources. Trident submarines usually means US Navy Ohio class ballistic missile submarines that carry Trident 2D5 nuclear missiles. And there are 14 of these boats.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

And so these boats are just floating around, ready to fuck people up. So do you think it was a good idea to go into Iran, start bombing?

[B]

I think whoever's the bad player, I think it's a good idea. If it was North Korea, Iran, Israel, Canada, Mexico, anybody, whoever is causing shit in the world, we don't have time for you. Let's get on, let's get in line. Let's all work together or you get a timeout. We don't. We don't have time for this anymore. We're a society of sophisticated human beings. We got to move forward. There I am, sonar guy.

[A]

Look at you, dude.

[B]

That's. That's me on a trident.

[A]

That's what you do in your spare time?

[B]

Yeah, I ride around the world protecting things.

[A]

They dye your hair before you go under there.

[C]

Triggered an old memory when he started doing that, right?

[A]

What movie was that in?

[C]

Down, periscope.

[B]

Down. Paris.

[A]

Look at you, dog.

[B]

Yeah, but this is real, guys. So I'm just saying to you, don't ever fret, okay? There's no one on earth that can threaten America.

[A]

How did 911 happen then?

[B]

Well, that. That was land based. That was terrestrial. And that was simple planning and box cutting and hijacking and. But we're talking about global warfare. Nuclear war. Let's say Moscow launched and hit seven of our cities tomorrow. Well, guess what, Moscow Debbie. Seven or eight Trident submarine waiting just offshore for you.

[A]

This episode is brought to you by Amazon MGM Studios new movie Masters of the Universe, only in theaters June 5th. You all remember He man, right? You got a huge 80s icon. The sword of Power, Skeletor, the whole thing. They brought it back as this big liveaction movie. And the cast is pretty wild. Nicholas Galitzine, Camila Mendez, Allison, Bri Morena Bakkerin and Idris Elba, just to name a few. After being separated for 15 years, the sword of Power leads Prince Adam, played by Galaxine, back to Eternia, where he discovers his home shattered under the fish rule of Skeletor. For the hardcore fans, we finally get to see the world of Eternia. To save his family and the world, Adam must join forces with his closest allies, Tila and Duncan. Man at arms. And embrace his true destiny. The most powerful man in the universe. This is one of those movies that feels made for the biggest screen out there. Big action, big world, even bigger characters. Masters of the Universe is only in theaters June 5th. Don't miss it. Get tickets now at Masters of the Universe movie. Right. But there's no one left here to celebrate because we're all dead.

[B]

It doesn't matter. America doesn't lose, is what I'm trying to tell you, my guy.

[A]

We still win when everyone's dead.

[B]

Yeah, we still win. The guys floating around in the Indian Ocean and the Atlantic and the North Sea.

[A]

So those still there will be the new civilization.

[B]

America wins even when they lose, my guy.

[A]

Maybe that's why the aliens are under the water. Maybe they're the ones that survived.

[B]

You believe that apocalypse? Yeah, I don't know about the aliens under the water.

[A]

Tim Burchette was on this podcast.

[B]

Well, what does he know?

[A]

He said that there are three.

[B]

They say three bases or five when your last name's.

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

What is.

[A]

He's a very honest man.

[B]

So what did he say?

[A]

He said that there's these three locations. I think it's three. Three or five. I can't remember which.

[B]

Hang on, let me tell you. 5.

[A]

So you said there's these spots under the ocean where regularly they have these events where things come out of the ocean.

[B]

When you say things, are we talking giant squid? Are we talking extraterrestrial?

[A]

They're talking crafts that move in a way that we can't right now, 500 miles an hour under the water. They're transmedia mean they can go above the ground and in the water with. No. It doesn't seem like it's causing them any resistance.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Brushette said there are five underwater bases, and in some reports, it's. It's phrases five or six. What the clearest reporting says. He pointed to five areas in the US waters where such bases could be. So they. There's a bunch of areas in the ocean, and if you think like you're going to hide something, that's where you would hide it. We can't. We don't go in the ocean that much. Right.

[B]

Well, we go in the ocean, but we don't know the ocean. It hasn't been mapped. I think we've only mapped less than 10% of the ocean floor.

[A]

We know more about the surface of the moon than we knew. Know about the bottom of the.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

And so when they're. If they're. If they were here, that would be the place to hide. Just go to the deepest parts of the ocean where no one can go.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you build bases because if they can travel here from another planet. Yeah, James Cameron went to the bottom of the Mariana Trench. We watched the video of it.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Fascinating.

[A]

So he did that in 2012. If he can do that, for sure, something that can come here from another planet can also go down there and most likely set up a base.

[B]

I'm skeptical. I'm not denying it. But I'm thinking, if you're an extraterrestrial and you're coming to a planet like ours, what's the upside of going deep down into a trench that's. I think it's what, three, four, five miles deep? The Areola Trench.

[A]

Areola.

[B]

What's it called?

[A]

Ariel's the thing around your tits.

[C]

Did you catch this yesterday? Probably. Maybe not.

[A]

The new Closure Day trailer I did.

[C]

So Steven Spielberg's in it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's saying, first of all, bro, cut your nails. You're freaking me out.

[B]

Wow. He's a nose picker. Some people keep him long to get boogers. Spielberg probably likes to pull out a crank out a greenie boy. Yeah. Picture Spielberg laying in bed at night just cranking out a greenie and eating it.

[A]

So he said that he believes that we are being visited much. I don't think he does that. He's respectful.

[B]

Look at those nails. Those are booger picking nails.

[A]

He's just too busy to trim his nails.

[B]

I don't know. He probably could have someone trim dirty booger nails. You think that's what they looks like? An I? Almost.

[A]

What if we had, like, one long coke nail? What if he had, like, one long

[B]

pink, like an I? I?

[A]

Like a Coke nail, bro.

[B]

You ever seen an ii?

[A]

Those dudes, they grow the pinky nail long to let everybody know they do coke.

[B]

Pull up an I, Jamie.

[A]

What does that mean?

[B]

You'll see in a second. Dr. Coke nail Jesus. A Y E. A Y E. Maybe

[A]

it's that ink from the tattoo that.

[B]

Now show them. Show them the middle finger of the ii. Zoom in.

[A]

Whoa. Look at that hook.

[B]

So they have an elongated middle digit that they stick deep down into coconuts and melons. And that's a Spielberg hook right there.

[C]

That is what the fingers look like.

[B]

Look at that. That's Spielberg at night laying in his waterbed picking greenies.

[A]

I don't think he does that.

[B]

I think he does. There's one in his beard right there.

[A]

I feel bad that I brought it up.

[C]

Look, there's the hand.

[A]

There's the aye aye.

[B]

And isn't it interesting, Joe, if we go full circle, if you're down in a trident submarine and the Captain says, Press X572 and obliterate Iran. Right now, the operator would go, I. Sir,

[A]

I don't think they say that, Roger.

[B]

Well, the guy's name's Roger.

[A]

Why did they say Roger?

[B]

Huh?

[A]

I wonder why they say that name like it's not Mike.

[B]

Roger was based off of the Jolly Roger, the flag that was the skull and crossbones. So the nautical term Roger came from that. Jolly Roger.

[A]

Yeah, but the military uses that too. Roger that.

[B]

Right. But they adopted it from the. The Navy.

[A]

Let's find out. That's true.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What is Roger? The term Roger that. Where does that come from?

[C]

As I'm looking that up, do you know why pirates wear an eye patch?

[A]

Because their fucking eye off? No. Oh. So they could see better a distance.

[C]

At night under the. Under the ship, it's dark, right?

[A]

Yeah. It's for when you know light, when you get accustomed to darkness. The more why does. Why does having one eye closed. So did they put the patch over the other eye? When they go under at night, you switch. Whoa.

[B]

They switch eyes so they.

[A]

They never have to get adjusted to the dark. Well, that's crazy.

[C]

Yes. Roger. Has to do with Morse code.

[A]

That is actually kind of amazing. What a smart move. You put one patch over your eye during the daytime and one patch at night and you can always see.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Originally stood for the letter R, which is used as shorthand for received in Morse code in early radio. So saying Roger means I received your message.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

And it also hankers back to the skull and crossbones. The Jolly Roger. If you pull that up.

[A]

I don't think it does.

[B]

Yeah, it is. It's a derivative of the cranial area of the tibias. Cross the cranial.

[A]

Jamie doesn't believe you.

[B]

Hell's going on?

[A]

When Jamie laughs, I know something's up. What is a Jolly Roger? No, the Roger and radio talk and the Roger and Jolly Roger come from different traditions.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And are not historically connected. Do you think this is maybe top secret information that you know and maybe you just made a mistake by telling the whole world.

[B]

Can I answer it with. You've just been sonar player, so imagine

[A]

if there was a super sophisticated intelligent civilization that existed way before ours, like 30,000 years ago, and then they had developed underwater travel, space travel, all that jazz. Then the apocalypse comes, and the only ones that survive are the trident submarine guys that are in the ocean.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Maybe that's why all these bases are in the ocean. Maybe they're the last remaining survivors of a super advanced civilization that existed Thousands and thousands of years before, like Mesopotamia.

[B]

But my point to you, Joe, good point. Valid, valid.

[A]

Think about it.

[B]

I'm gonna play. Daddy's gonna play. I'm not even refuting it, but I'm

[A]

gonna roll it around the old Canadian world.

[B]

Roll it around. And I'm gonna come back at you with an argument that if I'm an intelligent life force and I've got this sphere with oceans and land, why do I want to make life harder for myself? Do you know the pressure that you're at three miles down in the ocean? The amount of pressure that comes. Look what happened to that little. That little submarine that popped about three years ago.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So why do you want to live in an environment where you have so much pressure when you could simply land on the terrestrial plane and live pressure free?

[A]

Because if they are insanely advanced, one of the things that's proposed is that they have some sort of a gravity bubble. And this is how they move through space. And this is how they don't use propulsion that they Essentially.

[B]

Through space.

[A]

Exactly. That's why these crafts act as trans. Medium crafts. When these crafts are flying and they go into the ocean, the ocean rather. There's virtually no splash and they're moving 500 miles.

[B]

Frictionless.

[A]

Exactly. They're not. They're not existing in the same space time as we are. They have a bubble. And this bubble completely distorts everything around.

[B]

So you're saying if they descended into the depths of our ocean, they won't experience the pressure? Exactly, because the bubble is forcing off the pressure. Interesting. But still. Okay, what is your purpose for going underwater when you could just land on the surface of the Earth?

[A]

Well, maybe they're observing. Maybe they're observing us and making sure that we don't fuck things up.

[B]

But how can they observe us if they're three miles underwater?

[A]

Well, they come out of the water, Harlan. That's the whole reason why they know they're there. Because they keep experiencing these crafts that are rising out of the water in these very specific locations.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You seem like a disinformation agent from the government or something.

[B]

I am. I am.

[A]

It seems like it.

[B]

I am.

[A]

You should work on being a little more stealthy.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Because it's very obvious to me that you're what the kids call controlled opposition.

[B]

Well, that could be me counter intuitively pre programming you to think sideways.

[A]

What would be the benefit of that? I'm not experiencing these ways of espionage.

[B]

What's the benefit of living a mile down in the Ocean in the Areolae Rift.

[A]

I think the whole reason they're in the ocean is because that's where we won't find them. If you wanted to watch, like, a civilization, if we went to another planet. Okay, let's say this. We. Let's say we go to another planet, we find people that are living like cave people. They're killing each other with spears. They're, you know, robbing and raiding villages. If we wanted to just observe, and we had the ability to observe from the sky, motionless, with no sound at all, and just watch them, don't you think we would do that? Yeah, we wouldn't interfere. We would want to know as much about them as we could.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Every now and then, when one of them was going to get watered, we dart them with a tranquilizer dart, check their DNA, take some jizz, and then leave them there just like they do to us. We would do the exact same stuff if we could do it, if we were just a little more advanced than we are now. So not, you know, millions of years in advance, which we think maybe, possibly some civilizations are, but maybe 100 years or a thousand years, and we found a planet, and that planet had cave people on it 100%. We would do most of the things that these aliens are doing. If we had a way where we could dart them and tranquilize them and they'd have no idea that we did it, and they would just wake up at the jungle confused, we would do it. If we did medical tests on them, we could take them, bring them to a secure medical facility that we had maybe in a helicopter or some sort of a spaceship that we've created, and we run some tests on them, take some sperm, take some skin samples, do a CAT scan on them, whatever, and then put them back in the jungle. We would do it.

[B]

This isn't Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. We're not wildebeest. We're not seals. Like, clearly, they share some of the intelligence we have. They're masters of aeronautics. We've mastered aeronautics in our physical plane. So what's with all the mystery? Like, if they can communicate and they can talk and they can build as we can, it's not like.

[A]

No, we're too primitive.

[B]

Why don't they just. How do you know that?

[A]

Because if something.

[B]

Let's go chat to the idiots. No, if we're that dumb, at least we could communicate. I think you have our fighter jets fly with their fighter. Our fighter jets track them. We lock onto them. So we're sharing Aeronautical intelligence.

[A]

No, no, no, they're not sharing, Joseph. They're trying to find them. And then they dart away.

[B]

Right?

[A]

And move in ways that we can't explain.

[B]

But we see them, we track them, we share the same airspace. We're both flying. I don't know why I'm getting so fired up.

[A]

Yeah, but still, dude, if we went to another planet and found Australopithecus, we found an early human, you know, one of the early primates. Okay, 100%. We would dart it. 100%. We would tranquilize it. We would run tests on it. We would want to know about it. 100%.

[B]

Okay. You're talking about a Neanderthal, right?

[A]

That's what we are to them. But let's say the little grays with the big heads and they communicate telepathically and they could fly here instantaneously from other solar systems. We might as well be the ape people.

[B]

But why the evasion? Like, if you saw Homo Picathus, or whatever it's called Australia, holding up a cell phone, would you still go, let's dart it and probe it and let it go? Why wouldn't you just go, hey, that monkey's got a cell phone. Let's go talk to it? We can talk. We have cell phones. Like, why the. Why the mysterious distance? Like, if they're in the ocean and they know we're intelligent beings, why not just come up and say, hey, anyone want to go snorkeling?

[A]

I think Australia, Pythagoras with a spear is about as intelligent to us as we are to them.

[B]

But if they have an evolved language and they have communities and a civilization, isn't that enough for us to just walk into camp and go, hey, guys, I mean, they did it with. With trot. With, you know, tribes that live in the Amazon. Who's that guy? Who's the guy they boiled in the pot? That famous saying. What's that famous? I can't think of it right now. But anyways, we wandered into. Into the Amazon and walked right up to, like, weird Amazon tribal people. It's not like we hid and tried to hide from them.

[A]

Yeah, but they didn't know those people were even there.

[B]

Right. But when they found them, they integrated. They approached them, they go, hey, this is a T shirt. This is a camera.

[A]

But those are human beings that are the exact same kind of human beings as the people that were visiting them. They're not different species.

[B]

Still.

[A]

No.

[B]

So if you. Joe Rogan wrote in a field one day and you saw A new species of, like, people jumping around, having a picnic, sharing a salami. Would you just hide behind a log and watch them? Would you go, hey, who are you? What are you?

[A]

Well, you're not even allowed to contact uncontacted people.

[B]

Say that again.

[A]

You're not allowed to contact, like, North Sentinel island, that island in the middle of the Indian Ocean where that preacher went and got killed because he was trying to bring the Bibles.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You're not allowed to contact uncontacted tribes.

[B]

Is that like all of them?

[A]

Most of them.

[B]

I don't think so.

[A]

Indian Ocean, they have that North Sentinel island protected. And, you know, there's people that discourage people from contacting people in the Amazon. There's several uncontacted tribes in the Amazon.

[B]

I wish they'd stay that way. Yeah.

[A]

Stay uncontacted.

[B]

Well, I don't want to see a beautiful, like, pygmy or someone from an Amazonian tribe wearing an Adidas shirt.

[A]

Why not?

[B]

Or a hoot. Hooters shirt.

[A]

Hooters would be funny.

[B]

No, that'd be funny. I want to see them wearing, like, kook kook feathers. And you know, who could pick bones.

[A]

I want to see.

[B]

Leave them alone.

[A]

Spear fishing with a bucky's hat on, Joe.

[B]

Come on, guy. No, no. See?

[A]

Why not?

[B]

Well, then that's why the aliens under the ocean are staying away from us. They don't want to be corrupted by our ridiculous society of hooters and cracker barrels.

[A]

Okay, if you were in the Amazon, wouldn't you want a T shirt?

[B]

If I was.

[A]

If you were walking through the Amazon, you Harlan Williams. Yeah, the third right now, alive in 2026. If you were in the Amazon and I said, would you like to wear a T shirt while you're walking through the Amazon?

[B]

Yeah. What would you say as a white North American male? Yeah, yeah, I'd say definitely.

[A]

And they want one, too. It's better than no T shirt.

[B]

No, it's not.

[C]

There's a tribe of five people, and

[A]

one of them has a shirt. Now one of them's got a tight shirt.

[B]

I hate that look.

[A]

He's got flip flops. That gu on the right is horrible. That is the baller of the neighborhood. That's the guy that pulls up in the 65 Chevelle, and everybody's like, look at him with his flip flops.

[B]

I think that's that guy who wrote Margaritaville. What was his name? That's Jimmy Buffett, for God. What's it called? Isn't that him? I Think that's him?

[A]

Waste him away again. Well, we'll get dinged on YouTube for that.

[C]

Jamie, you guys are getting way too close.

[A]

Yeah, you know, you get dinged like they.

[B]

Oh, you can't sing.

[A]

They take away your advertising revenue if you hum a song.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

These dirty criminals.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Hum. Hum a song, you dirty scumbill trying to steal advertising money.

[B]

What if we mess with them and hum a tune and sort of play name that tune with them? And you know what they'll do? They'll ding you even if they can't figure it out. Like, they've got to sit around the office.

[A]

They'll pretend. Then you have to go to court,

[B]

name that tune in seven notes. And I'm like, don't do it.

[A]

Don't do it.

[B]

You know what I just did you us up. Do you know what song that was?

[A]

I don't care.

[B]

I do.

[A]

What is.

[B]

Was that Pink Floyd song?

[A]

No, no, no. Don't. You don't say that, because then they'll get us.

[B]

Yeah, but they don't know which one doesn't matter. And they can't prove it.

[A]

They. They don't have. That's what you don't understand. They don't have to prove. Oh, all they have to do is make a claim, huh? And then you have to fight it, and you'll lose.

[B]

You're Joe Rogan, though. They're not gonna mess with you, guy.

[A]

Oh, you're so incorrect, by the way.

[B]

Dude, you are jacked.

[A]

I work out.

[B]

Can we get your shirt off?

[A]

No.

[B]

How come? Joe, don't be selfish. I want you to. Would you please take your shirt off?

[A]

For what reason?

[B]

Because you have a beautiful body and you work so hard at it, and no one gets to see it. And, you know, you want people to see it, but you can't do it. You can't go, well, I'm Joe Rogan. I crafted this body, but if I ask you to, you get to show it off.

[A]

I don't really want to show it off. That's why I wear clothes.

[B]

You do, though.

[A]

But I don't.

[B]

It's like if you did this podcast but didn't put it out. What's the point?

[A]

I don't think that's the same thing.

[B]

I would love it if you showed your beautiful body.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I love it. Oh, yeah. Joe. Dude, can we stand?

[A]

No, that's enough.

[B]

Dude, look at that.

[A]

I have muscles.

[B]

Can we talk about. Before you put the shirt on, can we talk about it? We want to talk about how you do that.

[A]

I work out. You could do it, too. Well, do you work out?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How often?

[B]

Do you really want to get into this?

[A]

Sure

[B]

you do. Yeah.

[A]

How often you work out?

[B]

Because I'm about to crack an egg open on your show that I don't think anyone's ever talked about.

[A]

How often you work out?

[B]

A lot.

[A]

Yeah. What are you doing these days?

[B]

Okay. You want to get into this?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Here we go. Here we go. Joseph Zachary Rogan. I'm. I don't want to get in trouble, but I'm working out. By the way, beautiful body. Your chest is stunning. See, I'm glad.

[A]

It doesn't even make me uncomfortable that you say that. Like, some men. I would be like, this is odd.

[B]

No, no. I'm not a fly guy.

[A]

What does that mean?

[B]

Like, homosexual. I'm straight as they come, but I believe in holding up people's hard work. And that didn't just come from sitting around eating Pringles and Baskin Robbins. You worked your ass off. You deserve to show it, and you never could because it's you. And now I get to help celebrate you and all your fans got to see all that hard work. And I love it, guy.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But I'm straight as a Chinese truck driver.

[A]

Chinese truck drivers are never gay.

[B]

Never.

[A]

Is that part of the job?

[B]

Yeah, there.

[A]

Seriously, though, how many dudes are jerking off onto the ocean?

[B]

How many guys are jerking off to you just taking your shirt off?

[A]

A couple. But how many guys are jerking off to me taking my shirt off while they're under the ocean?

[B]

Let me check.

[A]

If you got 14 subs. How many people on each sub? How many men are on each sub?

[B]

It might not be known.

[A]

Let's take a guess.

[B]

They keep it very secret.

[A]

If you had a guess, how many people are on each side?

[B]

I'm gonna say, Joe.

[A]

A thousand. A lot more than that. Really?

[B]

On the Trident. The Tridents are, like floating cities.

[C]

Gave me. Might be including all submarines, including, like, every government, not just ours.

[A]

Okay, but how many. How many people are on each submarine? How many, like, could one of those submarines hold a small.

[C]

A small one is 30 to 70.

[A]

I'll show you a small one.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Large one is 120 to 140. Wow. That seems about a big 160, maybe, max.

[A]

And there's 14 of them. So there's at least a thousand dudes underwater right now.

[C]

It said there's 40 to 70,000.

[A]

40. 70,000 guys under the water.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

So don't worry about United States taking a hit.

[A]

My guy this is crazy.

[B]

Ms. Wild.

[A]

That's a crazy statistic.

[B]

Are you glad I dropped by today?

[A]

I'm always glad when you drop by, but this is crazy. 40 to 70,000 people are underwater in submarines at any given moment with huge uncertainty. Why we can only estimate. No navy or company publishes a live count of how many submarines are deployed right now or how many crew are aboard each one and how many deployments are classified. Civilian research and tourism subs are also not tracked in a global real time way. Wow.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

That's crazy. So that could be a whole new civilization. So if they blow up the earth. But how many chicks.

[B]

Well, that's the thing. The ratio is probably not good.

[A]

The ratio is probably non existent. How many chicks are in these subscribers?

[B]

That's classified. Are they.

[A]

Do they have girls that serve these subjects?

[B]

There's. There's girl submariners.

[A]

What is the number? It's like 10 to 1 and worse.

[B]

What do they look like?

[A]

But I bet they're the cream of the crop underwater because this.

[B]

The pressure squeezes in all the cellulite.

[A]

No, no, there's no other girls.

[B]

Oh, they're like. Oh yeah, you got. You get what you should.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. No competition. Like how many ladies. Let's take a guess at how many ladies are underwater at any given time. 20.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

10. 10 women are likely well under 10% of submarines worldwide.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

With higher percentages in a few navies such as U. S and some NATO allies. Those are the ones that are in trouble.

[C]

609 assigned the submarines in the U.S. wow.

[A]

Wow. 609 women get. Getting how many dudes hitting on them?

[B]

Yeah, it's.

[A]

It must be hell be underwater with a guy who's annoying you and you can't get away from.

[B]

Get away. He's farting. Oh, underwater sex. Yeah, Horrible. But let's.

[A]

What do they do with the.

[C]

They don't come up sometimes for months.

[B]

Oh yeah, the tridents go out for I think a year almost.

[A]

And so what do they do with their.

[B]

They just eject it. They injected into the sea. They're not doing anything a whale isn't doing.

[A]

But do they eject it into the sea?

[B]

They have to. I mean they can't make meatloaf.

[A]

Imagine if like during that process somehow or another it got clogged up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Somebody used too much toilet paper. And the sub sinks.

[B]

Yeah, fatty.

[A]

Because Javier just took a giant dump.

[C]

They might melt it.

[A]

Melt it.

[B]

They can rise up too. Don't forget they can breathe into the

[A]

nuclear pit where the engine manage trash

[C]

by Compacting, melting, or jettisoning it to avoid detect.

[A]

Okay, that's trash. What about poop?

[B]

Well, I. That's. I said, did you ask about poop?

[A]

Yeah, let's ask about poop. Just specifically because waste can mean, you know, paper cups.

[C]

It's the same thing, though. I would always go. Now, if you were jettisoning your poop everywhere, you might want to have detectors for human waste in the water, and you might start figuring out where the submarines are.

[B]

Maybe you don't want to do that.

[A]

He's operating on another level. In the 40s, probably. This is a dude that's in the conspiracy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Shame he operates on other levels.

[C]

Tracking.

[A]

Do you know that term can neither confirm nor deny? Came from a Russian submarine that was sunk that we were pulling out of the ocean. And there was. And they had to. They got questioned about it, and they said, are. Are we in possession of this Russian sub? Are we pulling it out of the ground? And they said, we can either confirm nor deny, because they had to answer. So that is an answer that's neither confirm nor deny.

[B]

That's akin to saying pleading the fifth, sort of.

[A]

But you actually are answering. You can neither confirm nor deny.

[B]

That's like saying, I'm. What do you do for a living? I'm in heating and air conditioning.

[A]

No, because that's a very specific trade.

[B]

Well, they kind of counteract each other. What do you do? I'm in shipping and receiving. Are you sure? I can neither confirm nor deny.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

I mean, this is an avoidance problem that. But I want to talk to you about my workout regime.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Because you asked.

[A]

I did ask.

[B]

I'm doing something so advanced. You do the ice baths, right? You. You soak in them?

[A]

Yep.

[B]

So I'm doing something so extensive that I'm exercising myself into a new race.

[A]

What are you becoming?

[B]

And no one said this before on your podcast, I don't think, but I'm working out so hard to become a new race. And two words. Gera Rafa, you take your ice baths. Gera Ruffa, my guy. What is that, Jamie? Look it up and do it quick, you whore. I mean, do it quick.

[A]

Garrafa.

[B]

Look it up.

[A]

You're becoming a fish.

[B]

Oh, that's not any fish. The Garra Ruffa people submerse their legs and feet into the tanks. And the Garrapha have vibrating lips, Joe. And they eat skin cells. Picture this underwater.

[A]

So those are the ones, like when you go into Thailand and ladies dump their legs into a fish pond.

[B]

Right. Vibrating.

[A]

Clean your toes off Joe. And how are you working out to become one of those?

[B]

So. Well. You're taking your ice baths? Yeah, I'm submerging my whole body, my lower extremities, into one of these tanks. These fish are sculpting my body, my lower extremities and have you ever heard of malaria pills?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So while everyone else is popping Ozempic and doing everything else, I've been on malaria pills for four years. And these things can flip your blood platelets. Okay. That's the power of malaria pills. They can actually change your red blood cell count and your white blood cell counts. Powerful medicine. Okay, so with the use of my malaria pills and the gara Rufus and I don't know if you want to see the results, but my legs are hammer jacked right now. My legs are powered.

[A]

Take your pants off.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Come on.

[B]

Okay. Are you sure?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And before I do it, I'm. I'm going into a new race and I don't want anyone to accuse me of doing black leg.

[C]

Notice he has baggy pants on.

[B]

I don't know if you've ever seen the fastest man in the world is who?

[A]

Hussein Bolt.

[B]

Hussein Bolt. The biggest high jumper in the world is a black man. The longest long jumper is a black man. The highest vertical jumper is a black man. And this isn't racist, this isn't black leg. But this is me working out into a new race, and I'm proud of this.

[A]

Pull your pants off.

[B]

I wouldn't be laughing if I were to. These legs are jacked. Look at these legs.

[A]

Why are they a different color?

[B]

Well, I told you I'm working out into another race.

[A]

You have fucking serious leg muscles, man.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where'd you get those leg muscles?

[B]

I told you.

[A]

What's going on with your underwear? That's kind of crazy.

[B]

What do you mean, what are my underwear?

[A]

What kind. What the. The do you have on your legs?

[B]

Dude, I told you, I'm working out right into another race.

[A]

Are those your real legs?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's very impressive. You don't have, like, silicon over them or anything. Those are actual leg muscles.

[B]

Wait a minute.

[A]

Why is giant leg muscles.

[B]

Why is it you can take your shirt off and I don't. I compliment you, but it's like your legs don't mass.

[A]

They don't match up with the rest.

[B]

Because the color's off?

[A]

No, the muscles are crazy. Stand up again.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Those muscles are insane.

[B]

Yeah. Look at these.

[A]

Are those real? Tell me the truth. They look like plastic.

[B]

What are you talking about?

[A]

It looks like you're wearing something. Jamie, those are the most insane legs I've ever seen in my life.

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

If that was a guy weighing in at a UFC fight, that would make sense, but go viral.

[B]

Two words. Guerra, Ruffa. Where'd you get those legs, dude?

[A]

I think if I sit in the tank, I'll get legs like that.

[B]

Well, are you taking malaria pills?

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

You do my combo.

[A]

Do you want to stand up? Let me see the pants.

[B]

I mean, and look at the skin difference. I'm not.

[A]

Take your shirt off so I can see where the skin changes color.

[B]

I. Excuse me.

[A]

I want to see where the skin changes color.

[B]

If you take your shirt off again, I will.

[A]

But I just did.

[B]

But I want to do it together. You son of a bit. You son of a bit. You. Rogan. What have you done for.

[A]

What did you get those fucking pants? Don't fall in there. Don't go in there.

[B]

A gourd. The only thing I could fit in there was a gourd.

[A]

Oh, my God,

[B]

Joe,

[A]

when I first saw your legs, I was like, what the fuck is going on? How does he have legs like that?

[C]

There's no sterilizing cats, some baggy pants on.

[A]

I know. Jamie knows that.

[B]

Weird.

[A]

Where the did she get those pants, dude?

[B]

Why can't I look good?

[A]

You look great.

[B]

God.

[A]

Like, you could wear those, like, to a pool, like a public pool, and the ladies would definitely be checking you out. Yeah, like, look at his gourd.

[B]

Can I leave the gourd with Demetrius? Can we add to the collection?

[A]

I'm gonna have people smell it. I'm gonna tell them, smell that. That was in Harlan Williams pants.

[B]

Dude.

[A]

Not even in his pants. It was, like, rubbing up against his. I'm gonna leave that there for people to smell. Yeah, yeah. Next time someone comes in. What's all this stuff here? I'm like, smell that.

[B]

Can I pull my pants up?

[A]

You put. Yeah, sure.

[B]

Feels weird sitting here with my pants down.

[A]

Well, you are wearing pants. You're wearing rubber pants. Well, rubber muscle pants.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

Don't you want legs like that for real, Joe? Wouldn't that be awesome?

[B]

That's like me saying, don't you want a chest like that for real? You're hairier than I thought.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Are you part Armenian, are you?

[A]

No.

[B]

No. Great. Hang on, I gotta pull my pants up. Put the board back in. There we go.

[A]

Do we have to blur it?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

No, it's a gourd and you're worried

[B]

about a song Getting dinged.

[A]

Oh my God. Silly joel. Oh my God.

[B]

Do you know how crying. Do you know how moist my balls are right now?

[A]

Yeah. How bad that gourd must smell.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

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[B]

I'm proud of you that you took your shirt off because I'm not joking. You worked so hard for that.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

And you could never show it. You had to have a conduit. You had to have someone invite you to do it so it didn't look self centered or conceited. You deserve to show that hard work to the world.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Good for you.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

And you look great.

[A]

Thank you very much.

[B]

You're welcome. I love it and I hope it's an inspiration to people watching to want to be as physically fit and put together. It's great, right?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

I feel like. Remember when you were a kid they had those books where you could take half a body and half a body and remember their little kids books? Yeah.

[A]

You fold them over.

[B]

I feel like if we took your upper part and put it on my lower part we'd have the immaculate human being and then those fart bubbles from the bottom of the ocean won't have a trouble coming around.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You look like me and Joe Zachary Rogan. Those fart bubbles from the areolae drench will come up and suck us a dirty lasagna. Sorry. I get excited. Joe.

[A]

Maybe it's the like forever chemicals leaking through the rubber underwear you're wearing.

[B]

They're not underwear. How dare you. Those are my legs.

[A]

You take them Off. Because you're sweating. That's leaching into your blood right now. All the bpas.

[B]

God, I don't want to die. But you know what's interesting? My legs are bronze. And we don't talk about the bronze people. We always talk about white and black. What about the bronzies, the Incas, the Mayas? I mean, these people and the legs on them. Did you ever see Apocalypto? And I don't know if this is in any history books anywhere, but those bronzies could motor.

[A]

Yeah, true.

[B]

So I've got legs where if I'm being chased, if a rapist is coming after me, I'm out of here. There's three men in this room. Two of you are getting raped. Not me.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah. These legs. I could jump over Dolly Parton's gazebo. By the way, speaking of Areola's, have you seen hers?

[A]

I haven't.

[B]

They're the size of lily pads.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I had a one nighter with her about three weeks ago.

[A]

A one night show?

[B]

A one night stand. We were jackhammering all night. Picked her up at a bar. Malibu Hammer Jack.

[A]

I don't think it was really Dolly Parton.

[B]

It was.

[A]

It was out.

[B]

Oh, she was. That night.

[A]

You sure it wasn't a lady wearing a mask?

[B]

Dude, it was her. And her aerial is the size of lily pads. I'm not kidding. I woke up in the morning, there were two bullfrogs sitting on her tits. Why are you looking at me like that?

[A]

She's kind of old to be.

[B]

Not for me. Have you seen my legs?

[A]

Also, she's a very respected lady. I think it's very rude.

[C]

80.

[A]

Very.

[B]

It's the way I said effing. We. We made love.

[A]

Oh, okay. I feel better.

[B]

We made love. And her aola are the size of lily pads.

[A]

I feel a lot better now than.

[B]

Yeah, sorry, I didn't mean to. Yeah, I should keep it classy.

[A]

Do you like them big? The big aola?

[B]

I like a big aola. Right. Reminds me of a pancake.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Like sometimes I'll put a dollop of butter on it.

[A]

It's a robust woman.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, it's a lot going on there. There's big aerials.

[B]

Yeah. And the dark ones. And they're great to take with you camping. If you ever have a rubber raft and you get a hole in it, you can rip one off and patch it.

[A]

Oh, Jesus. Yeah, that's not what I was thinking.

[B]

Well, you don't camp much.

[A]

Just bring A patch.

[B]

Yeah, but if you don't have one, you can rip off a dirty areoli

[A]

that you're hoping you're going to get out of the woods.

[B]

Well, if you can't and you're with a chick, you got an areola.

[A]

Loser. Areola forever. Just because you forgot to bring a patch.

[B]

Yeah, but it's. What do you want 1. Your.1 areola less so you have your life back.

[A]

Plus, if she's 80, they don't. Those don't heal that good. She could die from infection.

[B]

It's about living. It's not about having an areola. You want to get out of the woods or not? One titty, Jackson. Whatever her name is.

[A]

Okay. Tough love.

[B]

Speaking of sex, have you been on this only fans thing? Have you gone on.

[A]

No, I don't go on.

[B]

It's all I'm hearing about you, right? All you hear about now is OnlyFans.com.

[A]

yep. They do comedy shows.

[B]

I finally go on this thing because it's all I'm hearing about OnlyFans.com. i go on about a week ago, and I'm on there for about two hours, and it's just video after video after picture. And I'm on there so long, my eyes are like, right. Spinning. And finally I stopped the damn thing and I'm like, screw this. I already have central air conditioning. Why the hell am I looking at this site? I don't need a fan. I mean, good Lord, I'll pull my legs out. I will pull my dirty bronze legs out and wrap them around your neck like a dirty anaconda.

[A]

The is wrong with you? You think if you're a woman, you'd be doing only fans?

[B]

You know, it's an interesting question. It's a moral. Moral dilemma, isn't it?

[A]

Let's imagine if Harlan was a female and Harlan was 21 and just got

[B]

here from Canada with these legs, with

[A]

those legs, and not a lot of them, not a lot of ways to make a living, but you're cute.

[B]

Desperate times call for desperate matters. Joe Rogan. You know, it's a serious question, and it's almost a sad one. In today's world, it is. Because in the old days, you had your sex industry sort of confined to the shadows. And now anyone's daughter, cousin, niece, nephew, they can suddenly be exposed to the world in the most promiscuous way, but in the most profitable way.

[A]

That's the problem, is also you get addicted to the money. Let's imagine. Let's imagine you're a lady and you

[B]

have a site and, you know, you

[A]

show your feet and stick things inside your butt or whatever you do, and you're making.

[B]

What was that last part?

[A]

Stick stuff inside your butt.

[B]

If you're a lady. Yeah, like what?

[A]

Some ladies, they put like dildos in there and stuff.

[B]

Okay. Have you ever seen that?

[A]

No, but I'm just assuming it happens. Doesn't that happen, Jamie? Sure. Sure.

[B]

You've never seen a lady do that?

[A]

I'm pure as a driven snow, Sir Joe, not real life.

[B]

You haven't?

[A]

No. Stick a rubber dick inside their butthole. I don't want to be there for that.

[B]

Why not?

[A]

I'm. I'm not interested.

[B]

You ever been through a car wash?

[A]

I have.

[B]

What's the difference?

[A]

It's a big difference. One of them is your butt where you shit out of, and you're putting a rubber dick inside of. The other one is you're getting your car washed.

[B]

You make a good point.

[A]

Point is my. If you were making.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you're doing all this and you developed a nice fan base, you're making a hundred thousand a month, 300,000amonth.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you don't feel good about yourself, and what do you do? Do you just save up the money and quit? How? If you meet a nice guy and he's like, so what do you do for a living? You're like, well, let me tell you, I don't want to do it anymore, but I take rubber dicks and I oil my butthole up and I shove them in there, you know, HD camera, few inches from my butthole. The guy send me tips.

[B]

I think the subtext here, Joe, is what is the price you put on your dignity?

[A]

Right.

[B]

What is the price you put on your spirit? Because this stuff, it may seem fun in the moment, but you get down the road and it follows you.

[A]

You know, we looked it up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's something crazy. Like 10% of girls aged 18 to 24 in the United States are on only fans.

[B]

This is a lot. This is a tough question. And you can tell me to shut up if you want.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You have a daughter, don't you?

[A]

I have three daughters.

[B]

You have three daughters? I have four sisters. If one of your daughters I would not told you she was doing onlyfans, what would your reaction be?

[A]

I think I made a big failure as a parent.

[B]

But how would you approach it with said daughter?

[A]

Well, you would give them advice. First of all, your daughter or your son or anyone is a human being. You don't own them. Right.

[B]

Good point. Touchy point, but good point.

[A]

If you treat them like you own them and they have to listen to you, they'll never listen to you, and they're gonna rebel. This is just human nature.

[B]

Excellent point. I'm with you so far.

[A]

You have to give them advice, and you have to talk to them and talk to them about the repercussions of what they're doing and realize that this stuff will follow you. And some people are gonna be fine with that. Look, there's some ladies that are like, look, I don't ever want a fucking regular job. I'm not. I'm ashamed of my body. And maybe they're not sticking things up their butt. Maybe they're just being naked and they're like, this is way better than having a job. Fine. What does it say here? Top 1%, top earners make about 18,000 to $49,000 per year. Whoa. That's it?

[B]

That's not much. I could work at Denny's for that.

[A]

What? So the top 0.1% make a hundred thousand per month, or 1.2 million annual. That's the top 0.1. But the top 1% only make 18,000 to 49,000 a year. So you imagine you're making $18,000 or $49,000 worth, you living in poverty. If you make it $18,000 a year, you're poor, and you are showing your. And you're not paying for it.

[B]

Yeah. Wait a minute. But, Joe, I know that you look at that. You have a bit of a rage side. Like, Joe knows how to rage, because you're a fighter. You know how to go into that red zone you're in. You can be an intimidating force. Is there a world where your daughter says, daddy, I'm doing this, And Joe just goes. You're not. Like, Is it. Do you go into the red zone or.

[A]

That's not gonna. If you do that with your kids, they're not gonna listen to you.

[B]

But what if you did it just because of the reaction where you were so mad or disappointed?

[A]

I would only be that mad if someone was doing something terrible to them.

[B]

Okay. Or, you know, you're a good dad.

[A]

Well, you have to.

[B]

I like. I like what I'm hearing here.

[A]

You have to. Have to be a human.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're their parent, but you also. You gotta understand human nature. I know people that yell at their kids or I know kids that have been yelled at, and they always resent that. They. They're always angry. It's a. It's a stupid Way to handle things.

[B]

Something happened here just now that I was not expecting today.

[A]

What's that?

[B]

I got to see a side of you that I didn't know if it was there or not because I don't know your family life, but I got to feel for a second dad vibes, dad love. And I think I sort of pictured you sitting with your daughter and being very reasonable and loving.

[A]

Well, hopefully I never have to have that.

[B]

I hope so too. But I see you as an understanding, nurturing dad in that moment. I love that.

[A]

I try to be. Yeah, that's the goal. I mean, if you want to have a relationship with your kids. And, you know, my daughters are teenagers now too, and we've never gone through a period where you always hear these periods where the kids rebel against you and they hate you when you're teenagers. That's never happened. And I think it's probably never happened because we always just communicate and I try to be as reasonable.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

Open minded as possible.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

But also very. You got to be very supportive too. Yeah, it's hard to be a kid, man. It's even harder to be today than ever before because of social media and all the pressures that they face and. And then also this weird world that they're entering into where AI might be taking all the jobs. So they're like, what the am I gonna do? What am I gonna do with my life?

[B]

I love AI.

[A]

Do you? You're all in.

[B]

I'm all in.

[A]

I love it. What's your favorite part about it?

[B]

I love it, Joe, because it's opening a door to creativity for everybody. Now a lot of people are being pessimistic in saying it's taking away our creativity. But think about any art gallery you've ever been to. You go in, you see the Renoir, the Degas, the Dali, all the usual suspects. Van Gogh, Goya, all of them. Right. Those have all been placed there over the centuries as the art that we all know and have adopted. And that came from a select group of individuals, very talented, contributed to our culture and our history. But it's a pool of about maybe 200 artists through the course of history right? Now think about a guy you bumped into working in the sprinkler aisle at Home Depot three weeks ago, who's got a wife and kids and maybe doesn't have the opportunity or the wherewithal to tap into his artistry. But now that guy, and the guy at Dunkin Donuts and the girl that works at the car wash and every human being now has a way to express their hidden talents. And so with AI, they can go home at the end of the night and press a few buttons and go, I imagined this thing and AI is letting me get it out. And the world gets to see it. Same with medicine, same with inventions. How many Elon Musks are there that grew up in poverty and never got the chance to expand on a concept or an idea because they didn't have the means? But if AI starts to open these doors for every human being, think of the barrage of incredible visual and conceptual designs that are going to come at us. And a lot of them will probably be practical and actually work. And the common man and woman didn't have access to that before.

[A]

That's one way of looking at it. That's positive.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

Example, in my own life, I come from the animation world and I like to write. And a few years back, I pitched an animation idea around Hollywood and it got rejected. And so now me and a few of my friends in the dawn of AI are creating the same thing that got rejected, and we're going to put it out into the world. We couldn't have done it two, three years ago. It would have cost us $3 million. Now we're doing it for a few thousand, and it looks like a Pixar movie. It looks like Pixar. So if you tell me that AI isn't opening a whole new world, it's not true. It is. It's letting all of us dig really deep and expose our gifts and our talents and, yeah, there's always the downside, but let's try and look at the good side of it, too.

[A]

I like what you're saying.

[B]

Thank you, Joe.

[A]

The downside is the people that don't want to be creative and they want to be accountants or they want to be lawyers or they want to, like, those jobs are going to go, stop, stop.

[B]

How about that accountant? An accountant because he could never tap into the artistry that hides within him, or the lawyer, perhaps. But now, after hitting the machines all day, he can go home and go, you know what? I never could have done this before, but I'm going to create an image, a painting, a drawing in 10 minutes that I've always wanted to show the world. So that's what I'm saying. Even those pessimists can now throw off the demons on their back that are inhibiting them. And it's going to allow all of us to be so much more expressive.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

That's my take.

[A]

Well, hopefully. I mean, that's the question. Like, what do people do if there's no more jobs and you just get money from the government because AI creates so much abundant resource that no one has to work anymore? Are you going to find things to do that are interesting? Maybe AI is going to help you do that.

[B]

I'll tell you this, Joe, in probably seven or eight years, I bet we're sitting here, me and you going, remember, AI because we're humans, man. We don't stop. People think AI is going to be the end of the line. It's just another stepping stone to our progression to where we're meant to go. You believe in higher forces. I know that. So this is just one of the. Remember when people thought, I'm not getting a cell phone. I'm not getting on the Internet. I don't want a fax machine. But we just keep going. We're humans. We keep going up those stairs. We're adventurers. We're curious. We never stop. And so AI is just another small thing, as big as it seems now, as robust as it seems. It's just a small step in the giant ladder that's leading this weird species that we are to a bigger, higher, distant place.

[A]

Look at you, dude. You should do a seminar.

[B]

I should show my legs again.

[A]

You should tell everybody all these thoughts you have.

[B]

Well, I'm telling right now. We're sharing them. Yeah, but don't you think all these things we come up with are leading to something where we're meant to go? Yes. I don't think we're all just here randomly in wars and fighting and this. I think it's all. We're the worker ants right now, and we're the platform for the future worker ants to get to the pinnacle that we don't even know what it is yet. And maybe there is no pinnacle. But whatever force created us, Joe, they want us to keep going. That's why we search the oceans and the space and the moon and the planets. We're going to keep going, and AI is a tool for us to get there. So you can be pessimistic. You can be like, oh, AI and oh. But why don't you just spend your time looking at the positive side of things?

[A]

I agree with you about the direction that we're going. I think that's what we're meant to do.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

I just think that we are in a time of insane change, and that makes people scared.

[B]

It does.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But, you know, being scared almost May also makes us feel alive. Think about the most vibrant moments in your life.

[A]

How about after 9? 11? Remember those days?

[B]

Oh, yeah. People, people. It's like someone kicked the ant nest open and we were all scurrying around looking for the eggs. The ants always preserve the eggs. Yeah, but those eggs were our lives and our neighbors. We were talking and communicating.

[A]

We were friendly with each other.

[B]

That's right. Yeah. We realized the importance of a communal existence. We realize the importance of needing each other.

[A]

Yeah. People get very complacent and they need to be shook up every now and then.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's very good for you.

[B]

And maybe AI, if there's one downside to it, it could maybe create a bigger cocoon for us because we'll have so much at our fingertips. It may isolate us even more. But. But we have to look beyond all these weird parameters we set and go, what's the upside? What's it doing for us?

[A]

Well, it's inevitable and it's going to happen no matter what. And I think people always figure out a way to be okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I think that's going to happen, and there's going to be a time of great upheaval and it's going to change a lot. But hopefully people will be all right and they're going to have to adapt and learn and grow.

[B]

And we always have, and we always have and we always will.

[A]

And most likely it'll be better for everybody. Overall, this idea that Elon keeps pushing is universal high income, is that people will have plenty of money, abundant resources, and there's not going to be a problem of food, shelter, medical education. All that stuff's going to go away because of AI. And the real problem be what do you decide to do with your life? What do you decide to do with your time?

[B]

Right.

[A]

But you'll have the freedom to do whatever you want with your time. Just think about how little crime there's going to be if there's abundant resources and no one has to steal anymore. No more stealing, no more robbing, and no more poverty. Literally, no more poverty. I don't know if that's possible or if it is in 50 years or 100 years. But no more poverty is wild.

[B]

No more poverty is a reality. Criminality. I think you have to remember there's people who don't engage in criminality to make money. They engage in criminality as a passion. A lot of criminals like the process. They like the game playing. They like the herd and the. And the chess moves. They. They like winning they like deceiving.

[A]

Right. They like drug dealing.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So in a big deal, and a submarine shows up in San Diego, you pull the coke bags out.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Or throw them in the back of a Mercedes.

[B]

Yeah, they love the Miami Vice. Yeah. Or there's. There's even the. The adversarial component where they like the idea of killing their competition.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's a war, so. Well, I don't think we'll ever transcend, you know, the criminal element of it.

[A]

We could. We could. If. We never know, though, if AI develops to the point where we have literal telepathy, we could read each other's minds. You won't be able to plot any kind of crimes like that anymore.

[B]

Or. And this is because I think it never ends. Does AI design something to help us plot? You know what I mean?

[A]

Just. If you're a criminal, it just puts you in a simulation where you're allowed to do, like Grand Theft Auto, but in real life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, you just lock in, and all of a sudden you're on the streets of Chicago, running down the street with a gun. You shoot a guy and take his Mercedes and he's having a good time. But then you come right back to real life and it's fine. Everything's fine.

[B]

Yeah, it's. This is what I like, that it's so endless and it's going to take so many twists and turns.

[A]

Well, then there's a question. Is, has that already happened? Are we in a simulation right now?

[B]

Oh, yeah. I think we talked about this last time.

[A]

A lot of people think we are.

[B]

I don't believe so.

[A]

People are smarter than me.

[B]

But. Can I take you back a second?

[A]

Take me back to the old days?

[B]

Exactly. Picture Pioneer Village. Betty o' Connor churning some butter down by the blacksmith shop. Kyle McGivins shaving timbers to build a log cabin.

[A]

Amish.

[B]

Do you think that those people who are in covered wagons and were us, just the old version of us, do you think they ever pulled the covered wagon to the side of the trail and went, hey, Jedediah, do you think we're in a simulation? Like, I think we've created this simulation talk because we do have all this computer and, you know, we're in this world now that that's full of contraptions.

[A]

Okay, let me ask you.

[B]

But I don't think we're in a simulation, but go ahead.

[A]

Are you sure the pioneer days even really happened?

[B]

Wow. You got me, you son of a whore. I'm walking off the show. I'm walking off the show. Fuck you. And this isn't a simulation.

[A]

Rubber legs. Get the fuck out of here.

[B]

The only guy to walk off your show with fake legs.

[A]

I mean, if you think about it, we think that the pioneer days happen. We can go to the museum and we could see pioneer day wheels.

[B]

And what about the butter churning, Joe? The sweet butter churn.

[A]

There's a bunch of people that studied it in universities, allegedly. If they're real people. I don't even know if they're real. I don't even know if you're real. Why would you have rubber legs? This doesn't make sense. You showed up here with rubber pants and a gourd over your. It doesn't make any sense. Why do that?

[B]

I don't even think I'm real anymore.

[A]

You might not be.

[B]

Good point.

[A]

For real. For real.

[B]

I. I think we're real. I think it's not a simulation. I don't know. How do you make a simulation? Like how. What? We're just. We're all like pixels right now. And like there's too much.

[A]

Do you know the DMT laser thing? What do you mean?

[B]

That. Like the.

[A]

So when people smoke DMT, apparently if you use like a DeWalt construction laser, you know, in those lasers they use to make sure things are level.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

If you get above that laser and look down on it, you see code in the. Later in the laser, like matrix code,

[B]

like the numbers code.

[A]

It's like.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And people see the same code, they describe it. Exactly the same.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And so people see it. If you look to the side, you look underneath it, look, you see the code in the laser. And people think that this laser is exposing the code of the simulation that we live in. This is supposedly what it looks like.

[B]

I mean, I just am not there.

[A]

You see symbols and like weird number. I haven't done it.

[B]

If I see the whole drum set, I'm in. But if it's just the symbols, forget it.

[A]

I haven't done it. But I know a lot of people who have done it and everyone that I know that's done it has said the same thing. They said it is insane.

[B]

Dmt, no.

[A]

Yeah, but DMT with this laser thing. So when you look down the laser, everybody that I know that's done it say it blew their mind. You see all these weird symbols, they look like hieroglyphs or some foreign language or numbers and it's very bizarre.

[B]

I don't know, it just seems to me, why run us through the drama of a life, a Human life, where we're born, we endure pain, illness, suffering, love, hate, all the emotions just to be a simulation. I don't get the reason for that.

[A]

What's the reason for it if it's not a simulation?

[B]

It's organic. It's just organic life.

[A]

But okay, what is organic?

[B]

It's made of the earth born of the environment.

[A]

Right, but isn't that like this entire computing process where single celled organisms figured out how to become multi celled organisms, figured out how to interact with their environment, figured out the ecosystem, figured out how to balance itself off with both predator and prey and food and water and resources.

[B]

Right. But it's so very intricate and delicate. You have to bring into the question, was it it. Was it organic or organic under the guise of a bigger creator?

[A]

Well, maybe the bigger creator is the simulation itself.

[B]

Damn it, Rogan. You know, and maybe the problem. Maybe the problem. I'm out.

[A]

Take them rubber legs and get the fuck out of here. Maybe the problem is calling it a simulation. Yeah, like that maybe it's not that it's not real. Yeah. But that there is an underlying program that's running. Maybe instead of thinking of a simulation because you think of it as simulation, you think of it as not real. Like my. When I slap my arm, it hurts a little. Like that's real.

[B]

Right.

[A]

If I knock my knee, that hurts. But it's not that it's not real, but that you're. It's running a program. And this program, what we talked about earlier, when you're saying that people are moving towards something bigger and a new version of what we are.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Maybe that's a part of the program. Maybe the program is that all of these different components have to work together. This is why we'll never get rid of evil. You need evil so that you appreciate good. You want rainy days so you appreciate the sunshine. You want, like, good times and bad times. You have to have a little bit of bad times so you appreciate the good times. You have to have some days where you feel like. So that you appreciate good days. You have to have bad friends so you appreciate really good friends.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All that stuff balances itself out and is moving towards something. And what is it moving towards? The thing that we're involved in right now, AI, it's moving towards the creation of a new life form that's far more intelligent than we are. And it's probably a part of this whole process.

[B]

Okay, valid. I like what you just said, but I'm going to expand on it a little.

[A]

Please Do.

[B]

You're coming at it from a human perspective where you're channeling it through, you know, a human mind which is beautiful and endless, and we can think beyond, you know, the scope of who knows where our imaginations end. But that's because we're humans and we have the capacity. But to the schools of salmon spawning up the river and the moose fighting with a grizzly bear right now, and the ants running around in their nest, did you think. Why would they be part of a simulation? And I don't think any other living entity thinks simulation.

[A]

I don't think you have to say simulation. I think it's a program, and I think all those other different creatures are part of the ecosystem. Like, you need the bears, you need the salmon, you need the deer, you need the vegetation, you need the animals that run through the grasses and shit on them and make manure, all that stuff feeds off. And we exist in that thing, and we're moving in this direction of technological innovation and moving towards this new future that's happening right in front of our eyes right now.

[B]

But there's so many processes in what you just said, and all these things worked. Why have them all? Why not just plop us down as humans? And we don't need trees and grass. We just live in kind of a vacuous vapor airspace. We still do our jobs, but we don't. Why do we need all the. Why do we need mosquitoes and slugs and fungus? Like, I know why we need them biologically, to make everything symbiotic. But if it's just a.

[A]

You just said it.

[B]

If it's just a thing, if it's not real, why do we need.

[A]

You keep saying that. And I'm not saying that it's not. Not that it's not real. It's a program. We're running a program. It's clearly real. What is real? What? Real is experience. It has real consequences for your actions. You feel things, you touch things you eat, you sleep, you need. You have resources. That's. It's all real.

[B]

You're asking a guy with fake legs what's real?

[A]

You have a fake tattoo, too. Two of them.

[B]

Oh, Billy.

[A]

I mean, it's like.

[B]

No, I like this. I like where you're going.

[A]

I don't know if it's fake, but what I'm saying is it might be a program that runs, that makes people, and those people eventually make AI. And that might be the whole purpose of the program. We might be in the middle of it. We're in the Middle of it. We were born at a time. You and I were both born at a time where none of this existed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We got to experience life without any of it. Remember when answering machines first came around?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Crazy.

[B]

Yeah, You.

[A]

Someone could leave a message. And then the crazy one was answering machines that you could call your answering machine and get a message. Oh, from another phone. You press in your coat, and it

[B]

was like 12 numbers.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you memorize them because we got addicted to it.

[A]

And then you could listen to your messages.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you could even press pound and star to play.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Remember those days, you have five messages, like, oh, somebody likes me.

[B]

I remember I'd go do a gig, and the second I'd get off a plane and a lot of your viewers won't know what this is. I'd run directly to the payphone in the airport and I'd hear my messages instantly.

[A]

Yeah, that was technology back then. We were living on the edge back then.

[B]

And by the way, I'm not refuting or denying everything you're saying, but I'm pushing back a little because I can see it stimulating you to think deeper. And I like hearing your commentary on it. I like it that you're. You're. You're. If I push back a little, it makes you dig deeper to make your point. And I like it. I like. I'm like. I like what I'm hearing coming from you.

[A]

Well, I like what you're saying, too, is about simulation, like the idea that it's fake. I don't think it's fake.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think it's a real thing. It's obviously a real thing. If we're experiencing, like, what is real? Are your dreams real? Yes. Is sleep real? Yes. These are real things. Whether or not you can put it on a scale doesn't mean it's not real. So I don't think the simulation term is the best term. I think it's a program. I think we're running a biological program. And we think of biological as being separate from, like, math and being separate from, like, subatomic particles and the confusing quantum world. I don't think it's separate from it at all. I think it's all just one big, super complex program that's running that if done properly and we're experiencing it right now, it leads to the creation of artificial life.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And even artificial life's a bad term because it's not artificial.

[B]

It's real. With all that being said, where do you visualize the data center being if it's a program. Is it off planet? Is it off galaxy? Is it invisible? Like, doesn't there have to be a data center if we're a program? Or how does it just. The universe itself up out of the universe itself?

[A]

I think the universe itself is a program. I think it runs from the beginning of the Big Bang to the. The formation of neutron stars. And I had this lady on, Michelle Feller. How do you say her last name?

[B]

I barely know her.

[A]

Amazing lady, like, work, NASA cosmologist, where she's an astronomer. And we were talking about, like, neutron stars, like the insanity of neutron stars and how they bend space and time, they warp gravity around them. It's like, yeah, these things all exist out there in the universe. They're all. I think it's all a part of this program. And I think this program is running on other planets. I think there's other life forms that are doing very similar things.

[B]

Look, I like the debate. I like your take on it. I just still struggle with the. The technicality of it all, huh?

[A]

But the technicality of it all. If it's just biological life, let's say it's just random. Yeah, all this stuff is random. Water rained down, bacteria turned into amoebas, platypuses, whatever. It all just happened slowly but surely. That makes less sense. That makes less sense than a slow program that's running from literally the beginning of single celled organisms, Literally the beginning of the formation of planets. That this is like a natural cycle that happens everywhere in the universe. Yeah. There's a reason why these, these suns spin around and spit out plasma. And that, that stuff correlates in space.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Coalesces in space.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know Terrence Howard, the, the actor?

[B]

Oh, yeah, he was here.

[A]

Very eccentric guy. Yeah. He had a theory that I can't stop thinking about.

[B]

What is it?

[A]

He thinks that planets are formed because the suns eject particles over time and that these stars eject. We see those, the big plasma ejections and the big solar shots and all that things. That material eventually gets out into space, eventually forms planets. And he says when the planets get further from the sun, further enough from the sun, they people. He thinks that's what, what happens to Earth. You get a certain distance and then life evolves, and then intelligent life evolves. And then eventually these planets, people. And then when they get too far from the sun, they can no longer support intelligent life. They can no longer support life. So then the people have to get intelligent enough. By the time the planet's far enough away. Where they've figured out a way to bypass all the problems of living on a planet that doesn't have an environment. And living on a planet doesn't have water. They've bypassed all that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They've moved into the next realm of existence, and now they can travel interstellar and do all that kind of crazy.

[B]

I wouldn't refute that theory.

[A]

It's a good theory.

[B]

I think it's a good theory. I mean, it could explain how we're even here.

[A]

It also could explain the weird shit on Mars.

[B]

Wait a minute.

[A]

That Mars, at one point in time might have had life?

[B]

Yeah. The dry lake beds and the.

[A]

No, the structures. Have you ever seen the structures on Mars?

[B]

Oh, that face.

[A]

No. Have you seen the big square?

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay, Jamie will show you. There's this weird thing on Mars that. By the way, it's in the same area of Cydonia where that face is. The face doesn't look like a face to me.

[B]

It's more shadowy. It's the shadows that make it look like a face.

[A]

Yeah, it looks like a face in the early images. But this stuff is fucking weird. Like, that's weird.

[B]

Is that the Glendale Galleria?

[A]

It is, but it's God. Five million years ago on Mars.

[B]

So you're. You're saying because geometrically it's a perfect square. You think it's a.

[A]

Look what that looks like, man. That's nuts. Like, when. When do right angles like that that are in the same distance from each other.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Ever exist in nature? That's crazy.

[B]

And if they determine what those bumps are or those rock structures or.

[A]

They don't know. They don't even know how big it is because it's somewhere. It's between 300 meters is like the. The small estimate, but it might be as far as like a couple of miles.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They don't know how big it is. Look at that thing. What the fuck is that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What the is that? There's a bunch of these things on Mars that are just really weird. And if at one point in time. I'm talking millions of years ago, hundreds of millions. Who knows?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How much would be left?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How many? Let's put this into perplexity, Jamie. How many ancient civilizations have myths about. Or instead of do any. How about this? Not. Not how many do any ancient civilizations have myths about Mars? Have myths about Mars?

[B]

It's perfectly feasible.

[A]

Totally feasible.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, if you think about it, several ancient civilizations have myths or religious associations tied to Mars, usually because they saw it as a bright Reddish and sometimes ominous plant. Hey, don't mansplain to me, bro. Ancient Romans identified Mars with their God of war. Okay, do any ancient civilizations have a myth about people coming from Mars? How about that? See, that is. Do any have myths about humans coming from Mars? You could just do a follow up question at the bottom. Here we go. What do you think? Yes. Wow. Here it goes. No, ancient civilizations did not have myths about humans or people coming from Mars. While Mars has been central to mythology across many cultures, these myths focus on Mars as a deity or celestial object, not as humanity's origin point. What is that? One tribe is the. The Dogon people.

[B]

They have a.

[A]

A weird origin story from another planet.

[B]

Dogons? Yeah. Where are they?

[A]

Origin story? I don't know. I don't know.

[B]

The Dogons.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

I think it's somewhere in Africa.

[B]

Sounds like. Sounds like they're broke, whoever they are.

[A]

Mali, they have a complex creation myth centered around Omna, the supreme creator God who lived in the celestial regions, as was the origin of all creation. In their cosmology, the stars resent Amma's bodily parts with the constellation Orion, called the Seat of Heaven, or Amma's Navel. So I think they have this origin story from. Whoa. What is this? Descended to Earth in an ark, suspended from heaven by a copper chain. Whoa. Okay, look at this. According to Dogon mythology, Amma created the Earth and then split himself in two, creating Ogo, representing disorder, and Nomo, representing order. Ogo descended to Earth along the Milky Way, with which the Dogon believe connects heaven and Earth and created havoc. To restore balance, Amma created Nomo and gave him eight assistants consisting of four pairs of twins. These eight beings, also called the Nomo, became the ancestors of the Dogon people and descended to Earth in an ark, suspended from heaven by a copper chain. Okay, what was that story?

[B]

I think we're accidentally reading a children's book, Joe. The Ogo. What?

[A]

The Dogon people. Ogo and the Pogos.

[B]

Yeah, this is.

[A]

But what do you. I think there's a lot of people that have, like, weird origin stories that involve extraterrestrial life.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, there is. I mean, are you running that through human evolution? Yes, because if you run it through human evolution, extraterrestrial life doesn't. Not necessarily match up with, like, Homo erectus and, you know, Neanderthal man and things like that.

[A]

In what way?

[B]

Well, I get the sense that extraterrestrial life is far more advanced and technological, going back to what you were talking about at the bottom of the ocean. Whereas our ancestors were primal.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So how do the two collide? I'm a bit confused.

[A]

Well, what if they created us?

[B]

They created us as primates and watched us evolve as an experiment.

[A]

Yeah. What if you. Like, let's imagine this. We talked about, like, if we showed up and we went, found a planet, and it was filled with, like, ancient primates.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Ancient hairy men that had just figured out stone tools.

[B]

Okay, I'm with you. I'm right there, Guy.

[A]

Do you think, let's not say American scientists, we would never do this, but do you think perhaps, like, Chinese or Russian scientists might do some things with them and try to make them more advanced

[B]

in terms of biological experimentation, genetic engineering? I don't know.

[A]

I will answer for you. Yes.

[B]

You think they will?

[A]

100% for sure. They're just cave people. They don't even have any civilization. Let's just do whatever we want to them because we're far more advanced. Do you know that there was a point in time where the Russians were experimenting with people and trying to make a human chimpanzee hybrid for war?

[B]

Is that right?

[A]

Yeah, this is after World War II. They were trying to make hybrids, so. So many Russians died during World War II. I mean, Russia lost a lot of people.

[B]

Yeah, they did war, too.

[A]

And there was a program that, like, they do a lot of things where they. They just run it up the chain. Like, what do you think if we do this, what if we do that? You know, what if we make a nuclear bomb? What if we make a plane that doesn't have any radar signal? What if we make. Instead of our soldiers dying, what if we make a hybrid just for war? We know chimpanzees are incredibly strong, and they're smart and they're very violent. So what if we made an incredibly strong, very violent species that's more intelligent than chimpanzees and we can control them and we'll use them as our soldiers.

[B]

But that seems like a lot of work for something that's hiding behind a modern weapon. Because whether you have an insane chimpanzee behind a machine gun or a guy that was an accountant and got drafted, it seems like the weapons doing the work, not the biological entity.

[A]

Yeah, but if the chimps stronger and faster and they can get to places where the accountant can't, and they can charge into him in the middle of the night because they could see at nighttime. There's a lot of things that you could do with chimps that were hybrids.

[B]

Yeah, like what did they.

[A]

What Was the extent of that program? Let's find out right now. But he.

[C]

The guy that did it, was also then arrested. I'm trying to figure out.

[A]

Well, like, of course he was arrested, but as a psychopath.

[B]

Well, he was. What's his name? Dr. Moreau, ring a bell?

[C]

It says he was funded by Soviet authorities to set up experiments. I'm like, well, were these private, you know, or did.

[A]

Well, official. I. I would imagine if I was the leader of Russia at the time. And this guy said, Mr. Prime Minister, I have a program I am currently considering in operation where I will be able to make soldiers that are increasingly strong, much faster, that retain human characteristics like the ability to communicate and to engage in warfare with weaponry, but they will be much faster, much stronger, and more importantly, not people. We won't mourn for them like our brothers and sisters. We will breed them in laboratories. We will make millions of them, arm them, and send them out against our enemies.

[B]

Are you coming on to me a little bit?

[A]

I got hard talking, so this.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

So he successfully did a bunch of stuff in the early 1900s.

[A]

What, successfully? Not.

[C]

Not any human hybrids, so they say. He was a pioneer in artificial insemination as well.

[A]

He conducted experiments that involved artificially inseminating horses to create superior offspring for Imperial Russia, and this work earned him recognition from the Bolsheviks. Ivanov was not satisfied with merely enhancing a species, though. Hybridization became his obsession, and he was soon crossing zebras with donkeys, cows with bison, and several different species of rodents with each other. In 1910, he brashly declared he could see a human ape hybrid in the future.

[B]

Isn't this gene splicing, though? Have you ever heard of a liger?

[A]

But ligers are just hybrids. It's just they breed with each other. A male tiger and a female lion, or the opposite. I don't forget which one. Right, but. But the problem is the reason why ligers are so big. It's. I think it's the. Either the male tiger or the male lion. Whichever one it is, the male has the gene that regulates size. And when they have the hybrid, that gene doesn't. Doesn't transfer. And so the ligers just keep growing. They're huge, fucking gigantic. I might have fucked that up, but I don't think I did. Even off imported chimps to Russia, inseminating unpaid Soviet women with their sperm. Unpaid, though none conceived, because humans and chimp chromosomes are incompatible.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

Imagine you're a fucking Soviet lady and you're like, what is this job? You lie down with Your legs open and we stick something inside of you and you get a loaf of bread. What the fuck?

[B]

We give you the abominable snowman in your womb.

[A]

How much did they know about genes back then? Genes and chromosomes. So what year was this?

[C]

1920 ish.

[A]

Did they. When did they discover chromosomes?

[C]

As of yesterday, we just. They might not have even known helium was on Earth.

[A]

Right? That's right. That's right. Yeah. They thought helium was only in the sun. Wow. When did they discover chromosomes? Let's find that out. Let's take a guess. Harlan?

[B]

I'm gonna say. I'm gonna say in the 40s.

[A]

I'm gonna go a little later. I'm gonna say 50s.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I'm gonna say 57.

[B]

I'm gonna say 42.

[A]

I am purely guessing, though.

[B]

Me too.

[A]

No idea.

[C]

Yeah, the. What you mean by that is kind of. It's very vague because, like, they could have known about them, but like, to what detail and how many there were and what.

[A]

Well, let's just. Just put that in perspective.

[C]

I did, but like, it's giving a vague answer. In the 1800s, they sort of knew about it, but to what. What detail is. Until the 19.

[A]

Okay. Chromosomes were first observed as distinct structures in the cell nuclei in the 1800s. Well, that's pretty distinct. They're talking about in the cell structure. So they must have been looking at them with microscopes once good light microscopes became available. So that's the 1800s. Their role as carriers of hereditary information was not clarified until the early 1900s through work linking chromosomes to Mendel's law of inheritance.

[C]

That's 100 years of guessing. Imagine what we're guessing about now that we don't know.

[A]

Right.

[C]

It could mean any. They could have been completely wrong for 35 years and then sort of closed for 10 and right, wrong again for 20. And then it's like, oh, no, that's what it is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wild, right? It's wild how long it took.

[B]

Well, see this in comparison to today, this goes back to AI Joe giving access to the average person to be able to dig into this stuff. Because it might be the guy in aisle 12 at Home Depot who discovers some of these probing answers, you know?

[A]

Yeah, that's what I love. It might be like, you know, hitting a bong, sitting at home talking to Chad GPT and go, bro, yeah, tell me how to make a human monkey hybrid.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

So this guy. So it was pull it out.

[C]

I was reading about him. This started to say, the American backers started. Started sending them Some money too. And I was, of course I was

[A]

trying to figure they want to get those road crazy chimp people to call me crazy.

[B]

But I get the feeling you would like to see one of those 100% because physically it would have to look incredible, be insane.

[A]

Imagine if you get a, like a Viking, like a Brock Lesnar gene, splice it with a chimpanzee gene. You have a giant like Thor from Game of Thrones. The mountain from Game of Thrones. Imagine that guy splicing that guy's jeans with a chimpanzees jeans.

[B]

Well, you keep going to chimp, but what about a silverback gorilla, which is even.

[A]

They're violent.

[B]

Yeah, they're, they're very calm.

[A]

They eat vegetables, they're, they're vegans.

[B]

Whereas chimps are pack hunters. They eat other monkeys.

[A]

Yeah, they're way more violent. They're way more like us. We're way closer to chimps than we are to gorillas.

[B]

Yeah, we are.

[A]

Yeah, we're, we're, we're closer in our behavior. Like they, they engage in war, they have tribal war, they go after tribes, they break off and find. They start new civilizations.

[B]

But if you're splicing two entities together, you've got the human brain. That's, you know, we're sort of wired to be violent. But you just take the physicality of the silverback and marry them together.

[A]

They're just as wired to be violent as we are, buddy. What chimps?

[B]

No, I'm saying the silverback. Then you have a bigger physical body

[A]

with our mind, but maybe they'll just chill like the gorillas do.

[B]

They just go to Miami.

[A]

New delivery of chimps to a Nursery in 1930. But in the light of the questionable ethics and zero progress, Ivanov was arrested and exiled to Kazakhstan, where he died two years later. Some of the apes and monkeys that outlived him were launched into space with his Sputnik missions. You imagine, you imagine you're an ape. First they make you some lady and then they shoot you off into space. Well, you were just eating bananas, having a good time in the jungle, being a regular chimpanzee and these some janitor and then shoot you into space.

[C]

Janitor successfully implanted an ovary in a few of them.

[A]

Oh God. Fucking psychos. Jesus Christ.

[B]

Yeah, they've done over the course of history, the Germans, the Japanese, the Chinese. In times of war, they did the most horrific experimentation. They did everything you could do. They'd see how long it would take for a human body to die. If you Boiled it and skin people. And the things that have been done, the aberrations that have happened are crazy. But this is interesting. This is almost the basis for a movie, I think.

[A]

Well, it could absolutely happen today. This is where it gets weird because now with CRISPR and with gene editing, how many years are we away from them being actually able to do that? Actually able to take whatever genes you have in a person, whatever genes you have in a chimpanzee, pick which ones, which things you want to do and make a life form.

[B]

I like it.

[A]

You know they have the dire wolves now, right?

[B]

Yeah, the dire wolves.

[A]

I saw them, I went to visit them.

[B]

You did? Are they pure? Are they 100% pure? Are they. Are they a version of a modern day wolf mixed with a dire wolf?

[A]

It's a really good question. So that is the question that people always use to dismiss, or that is the statement that people use to dismiss. What they've done is actually creating dire wolves. But when I talked to the woman who's the head geneticist, the way she said is these distinctions, like what we call something a dire wolf or we call something a pug, we call it whatever these distinctions are, these are our creations and that the genetics are the same. Like this animal looks like a dire wolf because it is a dire wolf. And some of those genes are in wolves. Some of those genes are in the biological tissue that they got from like thousand year old. Like how old was the tissue that they got from a direwolf that they used for Colossal? I feel like some of it was like 10,000 years old, like something crazy.

[B]

Where did they find that tissue?

[A]

What country they find in America? You get it? Okay. Like when they find fossil, they find like a dead animal. They find something that they can get out of it where they can get some DNA.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they've managed to get the actual DNA of a dire wall wolf. So 13,000 years old, a tooth from Sheridan Pit, Ohio, and a 72,000-year-old skull from American Falls, Idaho. So wow. So they get the genes, they make a map. I'm just, I'm butchering this. I'm sorry. If you're a scientist.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[A]

To all the people at Colossal.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You make a map of what it means to be a dire wolf based on this stuff. Because you have these samples and then you choose those genes, you add those genes to a gray wolf and then you turn it into a direwolf. And they're all white and they have a mane like a lion, which they didn't know they were gonna have like, not as big as a lion, but it's. It's a pronounced mane.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

And they look different. Man. They're weird.

[B]

Are they bigger in size because they were semi prehistoric?

[A]

They're bigger. They're just a bit. It's a.

[B]

Bigger than a Timberwolf?

[A]

Yes. Wow. Yeah. They're like a 200 pound wolf. And they're built different. They're built different. Like they're more stocky and they look different.

[B]

What's their jaw structure like? Is it different?

[A]

Bigger, stronger? There, there. It's a bigger, more ferocious animal that lived at a time where it was.

[B]

What does the term dire mean? Do we know? Dire wolf?

[A]

That's a good question.

[B]

What is dire?

[A]

Let's find out why they call them direwolves.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I have no idea. Just sounds dope.

[B]

I wonder if they ever get sick, if they become diarrhea wolves.

[A]

Is that where you go with that?

[B]

No, I really do want to know. That just came to me. That just. Just came to me. But I do want to know where dire comes from. What it means fearful or terrible.

[A]

The Latin words dirus meaning feel fearful or terrible or awe inspiringly dreadful. Bro. Back then when those things were around and people were around at the same time, you imagine how fucking rough it would be. You're in the woods and you're camping out with your buddy and you see a pack of dire wolves that recognize you and you know it's over.

[B]

Well, the thing with wolf. So Joe, and you probably know this. Wolves traditionally don't hunt down humans.

[A]

That's not true. True.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

That's not true at all.

[B]

I don't know. Is there any record of a human being killed by a wolf?

[A]

100 there's record. Not a lot of times. Oh, that's not true. That's the reason why they eradicated him from the west coast.

[B]

I thought that was because they were nabbing the cattle.

[A]

No, they were killing people too. That's what the Big Bad Wolf and the Little Red Riding Hood is all about. They would kill your kids. That's. Those stories were about avoiding wolves because wolves were d. Dangerous. They're deadly. Do you know that World War I, the Russians and the Germans had a ceasefire because so many of them were getting killed by wolves in Siberia, really, that they decided to have a ceasefire, kill the wolves and then go back to killing each other?

[B]

Cause my experience is wolves are very trepidatious of humans. They fear them and killed them because

[A]

we killed most of them.

[B]

But that wouldn't change their hunting instinct. Now, if there were still packs roaming wild and free, you don't kill the instinct out of them because then you'd kill their instinct to kill an elk.

[A]

Or if you've seen wolves, you've seen wolves in Canada. Yeah, they hunt them in Canada.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

That's why they're trepidatious. That's why they're nervous about people.

[B]

Can we look up how many humans have been killed by wolves? Very rare.

[C]

Mostly happened in Europe and Asia.

[B]

Yeah, see, it's not common.

[A]

It's because we killed them all. Harlan, they're not around anymore. That's the whole point. The reason why they got killed off was because they were a fucking problem. It's not because, you know, people are evil and it was a terrible idea. It's because they wanted to live and they knew that the wolves were killing everybody.

[B]

I think the problem once they were killing their domestic cattle.

[A]

100.

[B]

But not the people.

[A]

So much people too.

[B]

Really.

[A]

Yeah. They kill. They don't have rules, man.

[B]

They're predators. They're also. Think of it. Every living species. Why is it I can go to a park and a blue jay and a squirrel and a deer and a bunny can be just fine, Completely different species. But then a little boy walks up a human and they all just go. There's this driven instinct in all animals to fear us, which breaks my heart because most of us are loving and want to coddle and connect with animals. But even insects, dragonflies, hummingbirds, nothing wants to be near us. And so wolves, also. All animals are trepidatious of humans. It's sad, but it's true. And if that's part of the bigger program we've been talking about, what does it say about us?

[A]

First of all, animals are not trepidatious of humans.

[B]

Have you ever walked up to a wild animal?

[A]

I've walked up to a lot of wild animals. I know that you're being silly.

[B]

I'm not being silly.

[A]

Okay, so realistically, all those animals you said, blue jay, deer, those are all animals that eat plants. Okay. If a dog showed up, they would run. Any animal that's a pro, that's a predator is going to scare them, whether it's a human. We have eyes in front of our face. The reason why you have eyes in front of your face like that is because you're looking to go after something. When you have eyes on the side of your face, you're looking for something to go after you. So all those animals like deer and all these little Cute little animals, they're all prey, right? And they're all, like, super sketchy with anything that has eyes in front of its face, it's looking at them. Because we are a fucking predator. But it would be the same if it was a coyote there. It'd be the same if a dog was there, if a cat or a big cat or a lion was there. If they saw it, they would all freak out because they're prey. Now, wolves have killed people. Fact 100% all throughout time. I'm just saying, they catch you alone, they catch you in the woods, and if it's you and five of them, they will kill you. You.

[B]

It's, it's, it's. We're not on their dietary list, though. Look. Killed by a killer whale.

[A]

Only at SeaWorld.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Because they. Well, that's different.

[B]

So why. That's a living mammal.

[A]

Yeah, but.

[B]

And there's millions of people in the ocean every day. But there's no record of an orca killing a human. No, because they're trepidatious of us.

[A]

No, they're super intelligent.

[B]

And wolves and coyotes, they're not trepidations of it.

[A]

They help us. They communicate. Play with you.

[B]

I know, but I'm just saying it's not common for wolves and apex predators to go after humans. It happens, but it's not common in wolves. They're very skittish animals,

[A]

okay? They're skittish if they're around people and they think the people might have a gun. If you're in the woods, wolves are not skittish of you. They're thinking about what they're going to do to you and whether or not they're going to eat you. If you have a rifle and you're in the woods and they hear the boom go off, they're gonna get the fuck away from you.

[B]

They don't know what a rifle. I'm just. There's an extinct. An instinctual fear of humans for whatever reason.

[A]

Dude, it's not true.

[B]

Most critters avoid us. Even fish.

[A]

If you avoid all predators. All of them.

[B]

Yeah, but look at the plains of Africa. You'll see a wildebeest and a zebra. Do you know what springbok is?

[A]

You walked out in the wild of Africa.

[B]

You're done.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, because you have lions, leopards, you're probably there, right?

[A]

All those animals are freaking out, too. Until one gets taken out, right? This is the Joseph Campbell story of the hero. Like, one gets taken out, the other ones go, wow, he did it for us. Because when that the lions are eating that one antelope, they're going to leave you alone. You can relax for a little bit. Yeah, that's what it is. I'm just saying they're never calm around lions. They run. That's why they run.

[B]

Right. But I'm just saying wolves are probably more inclined to step around us than attack us.

[A]

They are more inclined to do whatever they need to do to survive.

[B]

They will. They're opportunists.

[A]

And if it's attacking your sheep, then they'll attack your sheep.

[B]

Right.

[A]

If it's killing your dog, they'll kill your dog if it's killing you. If you're 20 miles into the backcountry and you're camping alone and you don't have a weapon and a pack of wolves shows up and they haven't had anything to eat for a few days,

[B]

they'll take you down.

[A]

They'll take you down.

[B]

But I'm just saying. I'm just trying to instill into you with all this programming talk, there's something programmed into all the other species on this planet. They go, whoa, there's a human. And they step around us a lot.

[A]

No, you're wrong.

[B]

Not that they won't kill us, but it's.

[A]

Anything that's coming near them, they get away from.

[B]

Right.

[A]

The reason why they're scared of people is because they have experience with people. That's what it is. Yes, wolves do. Wolves in Canada that get shot at are afraid of people. They know that people have the gun. The guns make the boom. They're smart. They. A bunch of them die. They see one of them die, they learn that. They see the gun, they see the stick, they run away from the guys. So they stay away from people. Because people might kill their family members, their pack members. It happens.

[B]

I think we're. That's when the hairs on this one.

[A]

No, listen, there's a difference between the way bears react in, say, Alaska, then bears react in Montana. So in Montana, you can't hunt grizzly bears. So grizzly bears are not afraid of people because generation after generation after generation have not been hunted.

[B]

Right.

[A]

When bears see you in Alaska, that's generation after generation that have been hunted and they react very differently. They're like, get the away from the people.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But unless they don't know you have a gun and sometimes you have to scare them off. But if they're used to being around people with guns, they associate people with danger.

[B]

Yeah, that's kind of Pavlovian, though. That's like when they're not.

[A]

When they're not like in Montana.

[B]

But in raw wild, bears are quite skittish. I've been around them.

[A]

I have two. Man. It depends on the bear. It depends on whether it's a mother with her cubs. They're not skittish.

[B]

They're not skittish.

[A]

They'll you up.

[B]

They're protective. They're not. They're no longer hunting. But I'm just saying that there's an element to, sadly, our human existence that scares a lot of critters. Most animals can exist together in the same area. And yeah, when an apex predator approaches, the zebras will run. But if you look at the hoofed animals and the hippos and the. Everything kind of coexists. But when a human walks in, you know, we can't walk up to critters and just pet them. You can in the Galapagos.

[A]

Okay, are we. No.

[B]

Are we having a fight?

[A]

No, but a lion can't walk up

[B]

to my legs around you so fast.

[A]

It's not uniquely humans, man. It's all animals are worried about something that wants to eat them because that's a real part of their existence. It's all animals. If you let your dog loose and you let it around, wild animals, they fucking run like crazy, man. They run way more than they do with a person.

[B]

Let me rephrase it. If a wild animal comes up on a deer a predator prey scenario, instinctually, they know a predator goes into stalking mode, the deer's gone, right? But if a human, me or you go, oh, look at the deer, and we try to walk towards it with nothing but love and affection, and we just want to pet it, and it's gone. And that's what I'm saying.

[A]

You're not saying shit. Because a dog, the same thing would happen. You're not making any sense. Yes, of course the deer doesn't want you to pet him. It doesn't fucking know you, man. What are you nuts?

[B]

Right? But it. They just. They just flee.

[A]

They don't flee.

[B]

Like everything a squirrel I have.

[A]

I have deer in my neighborhood. And when they see me, they don't give a fuck. They don't care about your car. You're. You're driving in a car. You could stop the car and roll the window down, go, hello, Mr. Deer, and they just stare at you.

[B]

All animals are like that.

[A]

They saw a dog, they would fucking run. Yeah, run like crazy. Even my golden retriever. My sweet golden retriever, Marshall. Yeah, they run like crazy from Him. They blow. They make those crazy noises. Yeah, they fucking take off.

[B]

They stamp their feet.

[A]

They're scared of predators, dude. They're not scared of people in my neighborhood. Because no one's eating them in my neighborhood. It's their conditioning.

[B]

I don't know. I'm just talking about. You just stick.

[A]

You're stuck on an idea. People are bad. The people are uniquely bad. I wish we could just go hug the pork.

[B]

I'm not saying people are bad. I'm saying that animals have something in their brain that they don't trust us

[A]

because we're the apex. We're the top of the food chain.

[B]

But it's just sad that it's not.

[A]

It's way better than being at the bottom of the food chain. Way better than us. Like fucking wandering through the woods if your kids are going to get eaten by a fucking wolf because some greeny dipshit decided to import him back into the wild. We need to rewild.

[B]

Wait, you don't like the wolves are back in the wild?

[A]

You know they just dropped him off in Aspen. These dumb. You don't like they dropped them off on a cattle ranch and all they're doing is eating cows.

[B]

Eating the cows.

[A]

So now they have to have cowboys 24, seven riding horses because the governor's husband thought it would be a cute idea to drop off wolves in Colorado. And they reintroduced him to an area that has agriculture. They reintroduced him to ranching areas.

[B]

Wow. You don't.

[A]

Five fucking wolves. They've killed who knows how many cows.

[B]

You don't.

[A]

The government has to reimburse them every time a cow dies. They keep killing cows. They're not allowed to kill the wolves. The wolves are around them 24 hours a day just circling. Well that cowboys on horses all throughout the night. They've got fires. They have to keep people employed.

[B]

But outside of the cattle poaching critters are you for reintroducing and repopulating areas of.

[A]

First of all, wolves were making their way into Colorado naturally. They're already in the San Juan mountains. They're moving in from Wyoming where they live naturally. And when they reintroduced them into Montana, those have spread out all over the place. Yeah, there's plenty of fucking wolves, man.

[B]

But there's a lot of wolves in Montana too. You don't like wolves?

[A]

I don't think you want wolves. I don't think you understand what you're saying. You're talking about a pack predator. It's very different than any other predator. They work together in coordination and they're smart. And if it's not like a mountain lion, it's not like a thing that acts alone. Once they figure out that the cows are in these wooden pens and they could just hop the pen, kill a cow, and that's it. They're gonna do it forever, right? Forever.

[B]

But take out the poaching wolves. But the ones that are reintroduced and assimilate in raw nature, I think those are crucial and important to that ecosystem.

[A]

It is crucial to have balance. And there's. There's some aspects of having the wolves back in Montana that's actually better for the elk population.

[B]

It is.

[A]

The elk population was very overpopulated at one point in time. They had seasons where they were allowing people to shoot them in the snow in the winter. So, like, there were so many of them. When they're in the snow, like deep snow, they can't run. So you basically.

[B]

Wolves.

[A]

No, the elk. Because before they reintroduced the wolves, they had so many elk.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

These elves were running out of resources.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they. They realized, like, they're so overpopulated, we're gonna allow you to shoot them in ways that's not even remotely sporting.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They're stuck in snow.

[B]

It's called culling.

[A]

Yeah. Just taking as many out of the population as you can.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And look for the people that live there. It's amazing. You're eating elk 12 months out of the year. You got a freezer.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Delicious. How dare you.

[B]

No, I mean, if you eat it all the time. But don't forget, the wolves also preserve the whole ecosystem because the overpopulation of elks were eating so much of the flora that the sides of river banks were. You're.

[A]

You're. You're quoting a documentary called How Wolves Change Rivers, Right? Yeah. Widely disputed. So a lot of the stuff they're saying is not accurate in that documentary. What is accurate is that balance is important.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But a lot of things are very overstated in that, and it turned out

[B]

to not be true.

[A]

Not. No, a lot of the claims are not true. Because.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

There you can have a pro, and the pro is it keeps the population in check and it puts a natural balance to the area. That's the pro.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This whole changing rivers thing, like, some of it's.

[B]

Some of it. Yeah.

[A]

But there's. It's the. Apparently that documentary was made by a guy who's into rewilding, and he also wants to rewild Europe. So, like this. It's very romantic, this idea.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But there is positive to having A balanced ecosystem there is not positive. When wolves get overpopulated. When wolves get overpopulated, that's what you get. When you had Russia and Germany having a ceasefire in World War I, because they were losing so many soldiers to wolves, they all united together to kill the wolves. That's a true story.

[B]

But do you ever live in a world where you go, the wolves are part of the natural world the same way the bison were on the Great Plains before they eradicated them.

[A]

You don't have kids.

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay, well, if you had Billy, imagine if you had kids and you were walking with your kids and you saw three wolves following you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you didn't have a gun. How would you feel about those wolves when you thought, oh, my God, we might get taken out by wolves? And I just thought they were these cute, fuzzy things that were a part of nature.

[B]

Oh. I don't think of them as wilderness. I don't think of them as amazing.

[A]

We need.

[B]

I worked in nature. I've been around wolves. I know them.

[A]

I am on Team people. You are 100%. 100% team people. I love all animals. I love them all.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I love people way more. If it was between a person that I fucking hate, that it feels a real piece of shit. And I knew that they're gonna get taken out by a wolf, but I had a rifle. I'd kill the fucking wolf 100% of the time because I'm on Team People. But this whole idea, like, the animals are scared of us. Good, be scared. It doesn't mean you should do anything bad to those animals. But good, good, be scared. But, Joe, don't try to eat my kids.

[B]

Isn't it team people that's eradicating all the animals? As we encroach deeper and deeper into the Amazon jungle, the African plains, we're losing. Look at the American bison. There used to be millions of them herding across the prairies, and now there's isolated pockets.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But do you know about the elephant herds? Look at. Look at the silverback gorilla. Look at it. There's so many things that are losing to team people that we might not have Siberian tigers in 30 years.

[A]

I'm not saying you should go and kill these endangered animals.

[B]

I don't say that by encroaching.

[A]

We're not always. That's not true. First of all, the bison thing was not because of encroaching. The bison thing was because of sport hunting, where these people were like, oh, yeah, they were doing it. Not even sport hunting, market hunting. Hunting. They were doing it for tongues. That's what they were getting. They were chopping out their tongues. All that delicious bison meat. They let it rot.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Then they were doing it for furs, and then they were doing it for bones. Like what this is, is like people were insane and rifles were fairly new and long range rifles are fairly new in human history.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And then all of a sudden you got people on trains and you've got these pops insane. Now here's where it gets. It's really weird. What's. Dan's. Dan Flores. There's a guy named Dan Flores who wrote a book on bison, and he has a theory, it's a really good one, that the reason why there were so many bison on the plains was because of all the Native Americans that got wiped out by disease. And it totally coincides with it because the original explorers that came to America in like the 1400s, they did not describe these enormous population of bison. We would see millions of them on a prairie. He thinks that that came about because literally when the Europeans visited Native America, The Native Americans, 90% of the Native Americans died because of disease. Right, 90%. I mean, a true apocalypse.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Imagine nine out of ten Native Americans dead because of disease. Well, that means no one's hunting the bison.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But so that was their. That was a primary food source for a lot of the Native Americans. And it wouldn't take many generations for them if that was the thing that was keeping them in population. If they have a balanced ecosystem. And the population was literally being controlled by these effective North American hunters.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And all of a sudden they're gone. The population just booms. And that's what he was saying. And then along comes the people with the rifles. And then the rebuild the rifles. They're finding these sitting ducks just sitting out there and they say there's so many of them, we could just shoot as many as we want. We never have to worry about it. And they're shooting him for tongues.

[B]

Yeah, tongues. Have you ever heard of buffalo head smashed in?

[A]

Buffalo head smashed in.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What's that?

[B]

It's a town in Alberta.

[A]

That's the real name of the town.

[B]

It's the real name of the town where the. On the plains, there was an optical illusion where it looked like the hills just kept going, but there was a cliff and the Indians would chase the bison along the plains and they didn't know it. And at the end they'd all run over the thing and the Indians would be waiting at the bottom and kill the Bison. But they named the place Buffalo Head smashed in. Oh, wow, look at this now. Wild.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

So the bison thought they're running on a flat plane and they couldn't see the change in the perspective, so they'd run right over the edge.

[A]

They did that a bunch of places in North American. In North America, they did. There's one of them where they killed so many bison that the rotting of them caused them to burst into flames.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so. Yeah, you know about that one.

[B]

Yeah. That's like with whales, when they blow up. Yeah. They explode.

[A]

The whole side of the hill is like black with coal.

[B]

Oh, yeah, because they pop.

[A]

Imagine the fucking smell of something where it gets so bad they burst into flames. Bro.

[B]

What the fuck? Instant Texas barbecue.

[A]

So they. The Native Americans, when they were really good at hunting, doing stuff like that. I mean, they're feasting, they're eating the best meat, and they're keeping the population in check. Now when they all died of disease, that population stopped being in check. And this is Dan Flores, I think it's called. See if you can find the name of it, Jamie. I think it's called Bison Diplomacy. Bison ecology. I think that's what it's called.

[B]

Nature also provides disease when there is no humans around. Okay. Like, long before the Indians started hunting buffalo, there were buffalo.

[A]

Yeah. Bison Ecology and Bison Diplomacy. It's a very interesting paper. He was a professor of history at Texas Tech. Very, very good book. And he's got another great book on coyotes. Coyote. America's book, Coyotes.

[B]

Are you a fan of Team Human? If Team Human keeps pushing animals out of business, at what point where do we push? No, I don't think it scales. We're at, what, 7 billion now? Humans, I think it's more. So at what point are you still a fan of Team Human? When more and more of Team Animal is being eradicated. And I'm not trying to say we should.

[A]

What animals are being eradicated right now?

[B]

Well, I just explained how the. The herds of elephants have shrunk down to this. Tigers are down to a few thousand, and a lot of silverback gorillas are down to, like, a few hundred.

[A]

Okay, a lot of that is not encroaching. It's illegal poaching.

[B]

That's a lot of.

[A]

It is.

[B]

But it's also encroaching. We're seizing up their land.

[A]

Some of it. But also it's like, what do you want those people to do? Like, people in India, like, where they have elephants just invade their farms and eat all their food.

[B]

But that's what I'm saying. How long are you a proponent of Team Human?

[A]

People have been villages for hundreds and

[B]

hundreds of years, but animals have been for millions.

[A]

I'm on Team People. If it's your family that needs that farm to stay alive and all sudden a fucking pack of elephants comes in and eats all the food that you've been working for a year to plant and grow, what do you think we should just feed the elephants?

[B]

I just want to know where you stand. I'd rather see the animals succeed than us. If I'm being honest, I love people,

[A]

but that is a ridiculous.

[B]

We're the ones.

[A]

That's a ridiculous thing to say. It doesn't mean the animals are going to go extinct.

[B]

Don't you think you're a parasite on the back of Eden? Don't you think humans are a parasite on the back of this beautiful paradise?

[A]

No.

[B]

No animal dumps nuclear waste or chemicals into rivers. No animal tears down forests except for beavers. So what makes Team Human so great?

[A]

Well, we definitely shouldn't do that.

[B]

I think you need to change your attitude.

[A]

We definitely shouldn't do those things. But I am. But I am a human and I like humans. I love them. I love them.

[B]

I love you.

[A]

And the only way that you're gonna have humans is if you stay on Team Human and not say, I'd rather have the animals here. They're just gonna eat you. They're gonna eat you and there'll be no more houses.

[B]

But if you press a button and get rid of humans with a press of a button and that, everything else could just live here harmoniously. Would you do it?

[A]

What? Do you live in a Disney movie?

[B]

I'm just asking.

[A]

No, no. No chance.

[B]

I live in a simulation of a Disney movie.

[A]

You live in some Canadian reality show.

[B]

He's taking another drink of coffee.

[A]

Son of a bitch.

[B]

You soft fly over this table with my rotten legs.

[A]

You're fucking Team Canada. I know. I'm just trying to ruin America by bringing in wolves? That's what you're doing. He's like a plant. He's a plant. I'm asking you, ruin America by bringing in.

[B]

Do you think humans are a parasite on the planet?

[A]

I think we are very complicated, intelligent life force that values itself above all else to the detriment of the ecology of the Earth itself. So therefore we could do better. We don't all do that. Right? We're not. Every company is not dumping things into rivers.

[B]

If you had a cancer on your body, would you get rid of the cancer.

[A]

We're not a cancer, dude. We're a part of the Earth. We are the predominant intelligent life force on this Earth.

[B]

Who predominantly destroys the Earth?

[A]

Us.

[B]

Cancer.

[A]

We're not destroying it, though. We just do. We're not a bad job of keeping it clean.

[B]

That's a fancy way of saying destroying.

[A]

Well, most animals all over the ground,

[B]

they just don't hit the button.

[A]

You're funny.

[B]

Come on. You want to do it together?

[A]

You should have kids.

[B]

I love kids. I love humans. I just wish we could do better.

[A]

How old are you now?

[B]

Take a guess. Take a guess. You saw my legs. Take a guess. I'll tell you. No, I'll tell you.

[A]

Well, I've known you for 30 years.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you're at least that.

[B]

How old?

[A]

50 something.

[B]

I'll be 64 this year.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yep.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah, but I love humans. But I also.

[A]

If you had a kid now, it might be a problem. You might have badges.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. You might have old jizz.

[B]

Have you seen my legs?

[A]

I've seen the legs look good.

[B]

What do you mean? Bad jizz. You don't. Al Pacino just had a kid and he's 400.

[A]

Give that kid an IQ test.

[B]

Really? Is he a dementoid?

[A]

I don't know. He's a baby. Maybe her strong genes. Because she's only 12. The girl. No, no, she's 30. Whatever. She is 30 years old.

[B]

How old are you now?

[A]

58.

[B]

Oh, wow. Yeah, we look pretty good. With your chest and my legs, we're doing all right. Right?

[A]

Do you. Did you ever want to have kids at one point?

[B]

Yeah, you know, I. I thought that at one point I would. I thought that at one point I might, but it just didn't work out. That was. I was married at one point and is it.

[A]

It's like. It's hard when you're doing the road a lot.

[B]

It's hard. It is if you make it hard. But I never did the road a lot. I always mixed it so that I. That I enjoyed my life and traveled and did stuff.

[A]

So that's smart. Yeah, that's smart.

[B]

But it just. It didn't work out. And who knows? The. The road ain't closed yet, so who knows?

[A]

Get your jizz checked. Make sure it's good.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, it's fine.

[A]

Throw it into a spectrometer.

[B]

Oh, my God. I just told you I was on Only Fans for two hours.

[A]

I was the jizz. Make sure it's good stuff.

[B]

Wait, can sperm actually go bad?

[A]

Well, when it comes to autism. There's and. And maybe even down syndrome. There's some. There's some people that believe that the older the parents are. And they used to think it was just the older the woman was.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Might contribute to those things. Another thing, it is also likely the father. They're also realizing, like, a lot of they were. There was this thing that I was reading about miscarriages from parents where the father drinks, and I was like, wow, that's interesting, because I never really thought that the father being a drunk would affect the sperm, but of course it would. Of course it would. Yeah.

[B]

And weed, too. They used to say weed affected the sperm, but I don't know if that's.

[A]

Well, they used to say it slows it down or something like that.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Does it speed it up?

[B]

I don't know. Ozempic. You give birth to a zombie, you

[A]

give birth to a fucking jazzed up Adderall kid. Dad, I want to fucking clean this house.

[B]

Wait, do you have any boys or is it all girls?

[A]

All girls.

[B]

Oh, wow. Do you wish you had had a boy?

[A]

I just want them to be healthy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think wishing that you had a boy or a girl, it's like the universe will give you what it gives you.

[B]

Yeah, that's good.

[A]

Yeah. You don't want to, like. You don't want to wish you had a boy when you had a girl. Just appreciate the fact they have a.

[B]

No, I don't. I don't mean eliminate the girls. God bless the three girls. But if you had one, more would be cool to have a bo.

[A]

I'm very happy.

[B]

Oh, good. Okay.

[A]

I don't think about it that way.

[B]

You're a good dad.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

That's something I picked up on you today.

[A]

I think everybody should try.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you're a dad, you got one shot at this. One of the things that's really nice for me is that I don't have to travel as much because I have the club here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, when they were young, I had to travel a lot when they were really young because it's like, okay. I wasn't making as much money.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It was, like, a little bit more difficult. And having the club where I don't have to do stand up somewhere else. I don't have to go on the

[B]

road all the time.

[A]

So I'm only going on the road occasionally for, like, the UFC and.

[B]

Yeah, and you don't need to either.

[A]

Yeah. Just having fun.

[B]

You're done. Good guy.

[A]

It's nice to See Kill Tourney, like, make a completely different career arc for all these people, and you're one of them. It's taking you to the stratosphere.

[B]

It's wild to watch of. It's.

[A]

It's.

[B]

It's shone a new light on my career. Yeah, it sort of revitalized it a bit. Yeah.

[A]

You Rob Schneider.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Carrot Top. I mean, there's. The list goes on and on. There's Kyle Dunnigan. There's so many people that. Yeah, it just fucking launched them.

[B]

So cool. When Tony asked me to do it two years ago, I'll be honest, I didn't even know what it was.

[A]

That's hilarious.

[B]

I didn't know who Tony was. I'd never met him. I knew nothing about it. I was doing your club and they said, hey, we're shooting tomorrow. Would you want to stay an extra day? And I said, for what? They go, kill Tony. I said, what is it? And I went on. Really? I had no clue. I had no idea what it was.

[A]

Are you not online at all?

[B]

No, I didn't know anything about that stuff.

[A]

How do you stay offline?

[B]

Well, I go online now because I started a podcast. I'm trying to emulate you, but you've been an inspiration. Thank you, by the way. But I didn't know about all that stuff, and so they asked me to go on and I did my first set with Tony, and I think you watched it. It was the one where I had the check. And then Tony, when they finished the show, he goes, oh, you're gonna be guest of the year. I go, what are you talking about? And then I was guest of the year, and then it just sorta all this stuff. And now I'm about to shoot a movie with Tony as my star. I'm gonna direct a movie with.

[A]

Was it Madison Square Garden where you were pulling the things out of your pants?

[B]

Yeah, the limes. I said I had Lyme disease and I. The lines out.

[A]

Yeah, whatever. You pull a trophy out of your pants.

[B]

Yeah. An Oscar. That's when I won guest of the year. I love to pull stuff out of my pants, apparently.

[A]

What is the movie you and Tony are doing?

[B]

So my next movie that I'm writing and directing is called Rednecks, and we're going to shoot in September, October, with Tony as the star. And I don't know if you do any acting anymore, but I want to offer you a part. I don't know if you're interested.

[A]

It.

[B]

Yeah. You don't like it anymore?

[A]

No.

[B]

You got no Interest anymore.

[A]

Maybe if I could kill it for a day. Just run in and do it in a day.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. Something easy.

[B]

Be fun to have you.

[A]

Where are you gonna film it?

[B]

We're gonna shoot in Florida and Kentucky.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

What if I got you for three days, would you do it?

[A]

We'll talk. Let's talk afterwards.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I really don't like acting.

[B]

I know.

[A]

I don't have any time either. That's also a problem. Them, like, time is. My time is rationed.

[B]

I get it. Yeah. Yeah. Do you still have the passion to act at all or. No, as a. Yeah.

[A]

I never really had in the beginning.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I only did it for money.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I loved stand up and I loved, you know, going to clubs and doing. And then I got a development deal. It was that simple.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And all sudden I'm on tv, I'm like, all right. But it was good that I never had a dream for it because then it. I didn't have a lot of anxiety about it. It.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, it was more like it was fun to do.

[B]

Yeah, me too.

[A]

Because I was always like, I'm just going to go do stand up like this.

[B]

Yeah, it's the same way.

[A]

Yeah. It's better that way because the people that like where it's there. Oh, my God, it's happening. It's like so overwhelming for them. Like, I see people have anxiety when they're about to do their scenes and I was like, jesus, chill out. Well, we're. We're so used to performing in front of audiences.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That for some people, the. The moment, like for young actors, the moment when it's like, action and you walk in and then you see that crowd. It's overwhelming for some people.

[B]

Yeah, it is.

[A]

It's very hard for them to find that comfort level that allows them to perform at the level that they know they can.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, they might be really good actors, but the feeling is so overwhelming, they can't find the rhythm.

[B]

You know what the opposite of that was for me? And I don't know if you had this experience. We were used to performing in front of live audiences, doing stand up, where they're like, reacting immediately. We do a joke, they laugh. But now when you're doing a movie or tv, suddenly you're in front of an audience who are cameramen and directors and make. And they just stand there. They don't laugh. And that became like the opposite of what we do. So when I first started doing TV and movies, I'd get anxiety because it's like well, they're not laughing. They're not reacting. They're just standing there. It was all these technical people, and that freaked me out a little bit, but I had to overcome that.

[A]

Yeah. That is weird. If you think it's really funny and then you're saying it and no one's.

[B]

Yeah, they're all just stand. Because they're just making a movie.

[A]

Right. Because it's not like the cameras are there by themselves.

[B]

Right.

[A]

People behind the cameras. And you're doing it for people.

[B]

Like, 50 people will be standing there while you're doing a scene with a

[A]

cigarette in their hand, drinking coffee, shaking

[B]

their head, checking notes. And did that throw you when you first. First started?

[A]

Well, newsradio, luckily, was in front of an audience.

[B]

Yeah, that's true.

[A]

So when you do this, they were

[B]

between the audience and. And you was all those people. I was. And cameras.

[A]

Yeah. But the people laughed at all the jokes. Okay. They were good. You know, if they were good jokes. But so that. That was, to me, was like a different way of delivering jokes. You know, it was. It was still. It was fun.

[B]

Yeah, it was.

[A]

I enjoyed it. I enjoyed sitcom. But the only way to do it right is to have really good writers, and that's hard to find, man. Like, news radio had that. And really good performers. But if you're on a bad one, you're in hell. You're in hell and you're just collecting checks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you just.

[B]

Good checks, though.

[A]

Good check. That's the problem. Yeah, that's the problem. The Velvet prison.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Those are the guys that wind up doing drugs. The guys that are on a show that they hate. Yeah, they. Yeah, you go straight Two and a Half Men. Charlie Sheen in it. Oh, yeah, that's part of it. And part of it is just like. Like, you're in that lifestyle anyway. But part of it is also like, I don't want to do this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know?

[B]

Yeah. I experience.

[A]

I don't want to do a sitcom. I'm bored. I'm bored with these lame punch lines, and next thing you know, you're smoking crack and running from the cops.

[B]

You know what I realized, too, is with these sitcoms, it's. They all keep borrowing the same premise. Like, I did three different sitcoms, and it's like, oh, now we're doing the episode where the lead guy's somehow dating an S and M Queen. And now we're doing the episode where Jim gets his car stolen. Like, you start to realize, like, there's about 40 different episodes, but they all Just insert them and sort of change them a little. And it's really very weird. It's like a recipe.

[A]

So many premises, promises.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

Yeah, it's. Well, that's just the uncreative ones. I mean, that's why Kirby enthusiasm was so amazing.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

They didn't repeat anything. That show was incredibly creative and bizarre and no audience. That's right.

[B]

Another one.

[A]

No audience.

[B]

Yeah, but the ones. The ones that. That were fresh were the ones that didn't. It was more like the traditional sitcoms that just plugged in the premises.

[A]

And it was like.

[B]

It's like, oh my God, I've already done this. This.

[A]

But there's something to that form where it's. When it's done really well, it is very enjoyable. It's very comforting. Like, I always thought, like, I saw clips of the Big Bang. I never watched the Big Bang until I started watching it with my kids. And I'm like, this is a fucking very funny show. It's like a really good show with like very defined characters, really well made. And I had this prejudice of it, I think. Cause I had seen some clips where they were doing like retakes and there's no audience, so they're saying the jokes with no laughs behind them. It just seems kind of lame. But everything seems lame.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Retakes of news radio seem blamed too, while we were doing them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But when I watched the show, I was like, there's something comforting about this kind of a show. And I wish they still did them. They don't do them anymore.

[B]

Dead, they're dying.

[A]

Ms. Pat is the only one that I know of that has an actual sitcom right now.

[B]

Like a three cam.

[A]

She's got a live audience sitcom.

[B]

Wow. Yeah.

[A]

I don't think anybody else does. Or if they do, I don't know about it. They used to be common as man.

[B]

Yeah, that was. That was the goal. That was the dream to go get a sitcom.

[A]

But isn't it weird that we still enjoy them? Yeah, but yet no one makes them anymore.

[B]

Yeah. I think they've been knocked out of contention because they're so set up. Whereas we live in this world now where people just scroll real life.

[A]

But why? Because dramas are still on tv. There's still a million. Ncsi, whatever the those shows are. You know what I mean? There's a million of those shows as the Hulk, Law and Order, Special Victims Unit. There's a million of those shows. So those kinds of same premise shows of cops and lawyers and all that, Those still Exist. The medical examiner shows, the forensic examiner show. Those shows exist. So how come all these, you know, there's. Yeah, a resurgence of rancher shows now. Everyone's a rancher. Yeah, right. This is 15 rancher shows now. So those shows exist, but no sitcoms.

[B]

As the Incredible Hulk Hulk once said. Me not know why I think it's a giant mistake.

[A]

Because I think you can make a sitcom right now, whether Paramount plus does it or one of those organizations that streams. You could make a great fucking multi cam sitcom right now.

[B]

Yeah, I don't even turn on the TV anymore, though. I think people are being weaned right off a television. We're in a transitional phase, I think.

[A]

You don't watch Netflix, dude.

[B]

I rarely ever. When I used to go on the road, I would check into a hotel and turn on the TV right away. I don't think I've turned on a hotel TV in about six years.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I don't even turn it off when I go home. I watch my TV maybe once a month, if that. I don't even look at it anymore.

[A]

So do you look at your phone?

[B]

I look at my phone.

[A]

That's it.

[B]

That's it. It's bizarre. I'm even weirded out by it. It's like, what am I doing?

[A]

You never sit down and watch a movie?

[B]

Rarely. It's very rare.

[A]

Should do that. Should watch a movie.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Still very entertaining.

[B]

People should watch my new movie. Can I say something about it?

[A]

You don't watch movies and you make them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, fucking crazy that is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What's wrong with you?

[B]

I'm crazy. I'm crazy. All right.

[A]

What is your new movie?

[B]

Do you mind me talking about it?

[A]

Please do.

[B]

Are you sure?

[A]

100%.

[B]

I wrote, directed and starred in a new movie that just came out a few days ago called Wingman and it's on streamers, Apple tv and it's on Prime, Prime Video. And I play a crazy wingman that helps people get laid.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Yeah. And it's with Jamie Kennedy, Russell Peters, Kayla Wallace, Evan Marsh.

[A]

Oh, nice.

[B]

Shiva Nagar.

[A]

And did you make this yourself?

[B]

Well, we made it with a. With a studio, Stardust Pictures up in Canada with David Lipper and Justin Levine. And it's a full on. Full on movie we. We shot up in Canada.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Yeah. Really proud of it. And. And I hope people check it out. I hope you check it out.

[A]

Yeah, I'll check it out. If you promise to watch movies every now and then yourself.

[B]

I'll do it if you promise to Be in my next movie and we'll watch it together. It's an offer.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

We can talk.

[A]

Okay. I'm excited.

[B]

I'd love to see you get back in to do a little acting.

[A]

I like that there are comedy movies again.

[B]

I really. Yeah.

[A]

That's nice.

[B]

Well, that's. The one with. I'm gonna do with Tony is full on. That's why I'm sort of asking you, because I want to see you get your comedy face in there again.

[A]

What is it about?

[B]

It's about a redneck culture. And this is the part where you really love it because I know you love vehicles. It centers around something called a mud bog where guys in Florida jack up their pickup trucks and drive through mud for three days. It's not monster truck. They just drive through mud and jump and spray. And then the other part of the movie takes place in those airboats that drive through all the marshes in Florida. And you would be the mayor of this town and get into it with Tony, who becomes one of these mugbawd guys. So you'd be around all this shit.

[A]

Good Lord. Florida is a different part.

[B]

Isn't it wild?

[A]

Look at these fucking cars. That's crazy. You got an old Camaro.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This is what jacked up on Johnny.

[B]

Tell me you wouldn't like to be around that.

[A]

Scroll back up, please.

[B]

It's so fun.

[A]

So the movie digging into the world of mud bogging in north Central Florida.

[B]

Yeah. So Tony's going to be the. The lead guy who tries to win the whole mud bog thing. But meanwhile, the mayor, which would be you, wants him out of town because he's such a redneck. He doesn't like the culture. Oh, Jesus, look at us.

[A]

Florida is so different. It's such a different place.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

God.

[B]

So we're gonna have fun doing that, but. Yeah. Thank you for letting me mention Wingman.

[A]

It's awesome.

[B]

It's. When you do an indie project, it helps to be able to talk about it. So thank you.

[A]

If you got an offer after this show to do a sitcom, would you consider doing it? And if someone said, listen, I think we could bring back the multicam sitcom, but we want you to star in it, Harlan.

[B]

I would if it was. If it's all about the material.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because me and you were older. I think as we get older, it becomes about how do we want to dedicate our time? I'm not interested in just doing, oh, I got a sitcom. It's got to have meaning to me.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

It's got to be Something where I.

[A]

But if you could help create it.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. All those guys that used to work, work on all those shows like Seinfeld and Friends, and they have to still be out there in the world.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Isn't that nuts?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like you imagine. Imagine back in the 90s when everybody wanted a sitcom. We were first coming out. Up. If you said, you know, one day there'll be no more sitcoms, you'd be like, what the are you talking about? You would have never believed that. If you went into these rooms where they're making sex in the city and the single guy and all these rooms. Hey, guys, enjoy it while you can.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because in a couple of decades, there's going to be zero sitcoms on television. They would have just laughed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They would have kicked you out of that office. Get the out of here. You don't know what you're talking about. About. Meanwhile. That's true.

[B]

Well, this is why I love. I hate. I'm just gonna go back to Quickly AI because it shows. We're evolving. You know, Remember Joe, at one point, movies were black and white. They didn't have sound.

[A]

Really.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. They. They were. They. And then talkies came and color and digital and so I love it that every form of our entertainment is evolving and becoming.

[C]

Coming.

[B]

There's stuff gonna come that we don't even know, which. I love.

[A]

Me, too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I think sitcoms didn't have to go away. That's what I'm saying.

[B]

Yeah. Maybe not, but maybe so. Like the new weight. Like your daughters probably don't want to sit down for half an hour.

[A]

They love sitcoms.

[B]

They do.

[A]

They watch old ones.

[B]

Okay. Well, I was wrong. I was really wrong. Well, I'm hurting.

[A]

Me and my youngest, we sat through the entire season. I mean, the entire. All seasons of Big Bad Gang Theory. That was me and my family. We watched that one, huh? Yeah. My wife and my. And then we watched Young Sheldon, which was the next version of it. Young Sheldon was really good. It was. It was a single cam show that was on Netflix, and it was Sheldon as a young kid. It was the genius kid as a young boy. Very funny show, but totally different. Like, really cute, sweet show, but not in front of a live audience. And I think there's something. I loved doing news radio. I really did.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And. But it was just because it was an insanely talented cast and we were all like brothers and sisters. We had so much fun family. For five years we worked together and we got drunk all the time and we. It was so silly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It was such a fun set.

[B]

It's like summer camp.

[A]

Yeah, it was really fun. It was really. And the show, I think, was really good.

[B]

Yeah, it did well.

[A]

And also, here's the best part. It was never really successful, which was great because none of us got really rich or famous from that show. It was really. It was. It was always, like, not doing so well in the ratings. We got moved nine times in five years. And this is back before the Internet, so you couldn't, like, send out a tweet, hey, we're on Sunday nights now.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

You know, and it was back also when nobody had.

[C]

This is a new.

[B]

I just saw this trailer the other day.

[C]

This is a spin off from Big Bang Theory, but it's not a. It's like, you know, in front of an audience sitcom. And it's not multicam either, I suppose, but it was popping up.

[A]

Oh, no shit.

[C]

Yeah, it's called B.R. stuart Fails to Save the Universe. New show. You know.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Comedy. It is a 30 minute.

[A]

So it's kind of in that universe.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

Even, like the logo is like, kind of.

[A]

Wow. It's on hbo.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Wild, huh?

[A]

Who's created more bangers than that Chuck Lorre guy?

[B]

Oh, my God. Yeah.

[A]

That guy's created so many big sitcoms. He was Big Bang. What's that?

[C]

An article he wrote or I just read interviewing him said that those shows kind of died because, like, the Office and Curb kind of killed it for a while.

[B]

Single camera, no audience. Yeah.

[C]

I'm also thinking I wouldn't want to go sit and watch a taping of a show right now. How much would they have to pay an audience to do that?

[B]

Right.

[A]

Well, you only have to pay the audience until the show becomes successful. True.

[C]

Yeah. I guess people would want to go.

[A]

Yeah. You don't really want a paid audience because they're not as much fun. Like news radio. In the beginning, nobody knew who the fuck we were. But by season three, the audience was news radio fans.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it became a totally different thing. It was really fun. And Phil Hartman used to do stand up.

[B]

Oh, nice.

[A]

He had talked about doing stand up in the clubs, but he would do. He was really good at impressions. He would do Bill Clinton impressions. He had bits. He had little things. He would run and he would just do it for fun. And, you know, we talked about him actually doing it in clubs and he thought about doing it, but it was. The whole thing was silly. Like Andy Dick would address the audience, people would answer questions. We had a good warm up guy. It was like a party that was going on. Everybody had a great time. And that was after the show, you know, caught its gear. But it never was popular until it became syndicated. Then was the syndication. Then it became really popular.

[B]

At least yours was sort of popular. Every. Every week they put out the top 100. And my sitcom was always number 99 or 100. So at least yours was probably up in the top 30.

[A]

No, one day, Lou Morton. Lou Morton was one of our writers. And Lou every week would show up with a T shirt with a number on it that he would draw with magic marker of what we were. And one day he showed up and it said 88. I go, 88. He goes, Yep. I go, no. He goes, yeah.

[B]

I go, dude, I was a hundred every week.

[A]

Well, what network were you on?

[B]

The wb?

[A]

We were on NBC.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. So WB didn't have affiliates all across the country. We only had like 60%.

[A]

88 at NBC is.

[B]

You're barely alive, but still a hundred hertz. 100.

[A]

Well, they always, always tell us, don't worry. We're not worried about the numbers. We know you got to find your audience again. Now you're on Monday night. Night used to be on Sunday. And one time we were on Thursday night. We were in the Friend sandwich. So it was Friends and Seinfeld, which Paul Sims, the executive producer of News radio famous, called the Sandwich. Because in between Friends and Seinfeld, you would have, like Caroline in the City and these shows that weren't as good.

[B]

Do you want to hear about Salt in the Wound? Yeah. So mine was. Show was number 100. Okay. It was called Simon. It was me. I was the star. I played Simon. Jason Bateman played my brother.

[A]

Look at that.

[B]

And the lead girl, Andrea Bendelwald. We ended up dating. She became my girlfriend. Her best friend was Jennifer Aniston. She lived with Jennifer. So I would go and stay at Jennifer's house every night with my girlfriend. We were like three's company. And I'd have to sit there and watch Friends with Jennifer, the number one show. Well, me and Andrea were at the bottom, number 100. It was like, oh, I mean, love. Jennifer was so happy. But talk about salt in the Wound. It was like, oh, damn.

[A]

Isn't it crazy, though? But you're on tv, you're living the dream. This is one of the great.

[B]

It was great.

[A]

The earliest social media was the. The Variety magazine and the Hollywood Report. Yeah, that was like the same thing where these People would compare themselves to everybody else, and they would look at the rankings, and I would show up on the set and, you know, like, all these people love to read those things, and they were reading those things, and I started calling them the Devil's Rag. I go, why are you reading the Devil's Rag? I go, because they were. We were complaining. Like, I can't believe we're number 36. If we were on, you know, Thursday night, we would be number two or number one or whatever. And I go, last time I checked, I'm on tv.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I go, we're on tv. We're on TV on NBC. There's not a lot of people that get to be on tv.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, this is great. We're living the dream. So we're not number one. Like, you guys are reading that, and you're forgetting how many people that you're friends with that are going on auditions right now that would kill to be on NBC. But it's the Devil's Rag. It's the same thing that happens with, you know, you say, oh, I just got a new car. I'm pretty sure happy. And then, oh, Jeff Bezos got a yacht.

[B]

Fuck. I'll be honest. I was like, you. I was like, I'm on tv. But I got to tell. As we got deeper into the season and I had to sit there beside Jennifer Aniston and watch her number one show every week, and old 100 is sitting beside her, I gotta say, started to seep in where you're just like, fuck, I'm on tv. You know, it's sort of like there were days when it was just. You could feel it. Not blaming her, but just the business. It was hard to sit at one end and see the other. But that's the way it works.

[A]

It's the way it is, but you gotta really just be happy. Oh, it's great.

[B]

You're winning the lottery. Yeah.

[A]

You. You won the lottery. You just didn't win the Mega Powerball.

[B]

Yeah. And I loved it. I got to work with Jason, and I, you know, I was the star of my. My. I came from the suburbs of Toronto. Never thought I'd do anything. Here I am. I got this. I'm the star of my own sitcom, Simon. I'm like, this is unbelievable. Yeah, I share your attitude. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

And there's a lot of them that don't work, man.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was on the set, and we were there, like. So you'd go to Sunset Gower, and there'd be a bunch of other places that were next to you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I go visit with all those guys because, like, a lot of them were my. Like, Lenny. Lenny Clark was right down the street. He was on the. The John Larroquette show. Do you remember that?

[B]

Yeah, I got a little story about that. When you're done, tell me. Are you sure you don't want to

[A]

finish John Larroquette yell at you?

[B]

So before I got my own sitcom, so I was in Hollywood. I did two auditions. I did one for Ellen DeGeneres. First show is called these Friends of Mine, and I was a guest star on the show with Molly Shannon. And then my second audition was for the John Larroquette show. And I went in and auditioned, and the feedback to my agents was, john said, this guy wants his own sitcom. And I said to my agents, I said, you're damn right I do. And the next gig I got was my own sitcom.

[A]

Oh, that's hilarious.

[B]

Pretty cool.

[A]

So you think he didn't like you because you wanted your own sitcom, or he thought you were too good for his show because you want your own sitcom?

[B]

I think he must have sensed I walked in there with attitude or cockiness, which I didn't. I just did the audition. But he must have been reading my vibe somehow.

[A]

Well, that's you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So people that. That's how you like people that don't know you. This Harlan, you've always been like this.

[B]

I have.

[A]

The moment I met you. Yeah, you've always been like this very happy, very confident guy. You never look rattled to do a show. You always look like you're having a good fucking time.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

All of us. Like, there was moments where everyone had a big show show, and you're, like, real nervous. You were never like that?

[B]

No.

[A]

You were always, like, happy. Go lucky.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know one person that doesn't like you.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Do you know how crazy that is?

[B]

No.

[A]

I'm not even married, but do you know how crazy that is? Like, I know every comic that I know has a comic that they don't get along with, that they hate. Yeah, someone hates them or they hate them, or there's some. That guy. That guy's a piece of his comedy, son. No one says that about you. Do you know how amazing that is?

[B]

That's a.

[A]

We were talking about that in the green room one day. We were talking about in the green room because it was after you came on with Dimitri. I was. I told everybody I was howling. He waited the whole show before he pulled his fucking snake out of his pants. By the way, that snake sat right in front of Donald Trump when he was here.

[B]

I loved it. I told you that.

[A]

I know you did. So that conversation that we had in the green room was like, who the fuck do you know that doesn't like Harlan? And we all sat around and talked about it. There's no one. You are. You are like the most universally loved comedian that I know.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I have to defend Tony to everybody.

[B]

Yeah, Tony.

[A]

Yeah, He's a great guy. Yeah, he's a great guy.

[B]

Yes. Yeah.

[A]

It's just like in that world, you have to understand the Roast world. Like, that is not the real world, kids. That is. You're going for blood. You know, like, if you're in a cage fight and you elbow someone in the face, it's not because you're a bad person.

[B]

You have to.

[A]

That is.

[B]

That's your job.

[A]

That's the game we're playing.

[B]

If you don't do it, you're. You're, You're. You're letting yourself down. You've got to go in and fight. Yeah.

[A]

That's the game we're playing. These are the rules that we're under. We're all talking.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know.

[B]

Yeah, It's.

[A]

And so when you see people complain about it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Say, I understand the general public that's not aware of what roasts are, because the reality of roasts are especially for, like, if you're a 22 year old kid. The last time there were roasts on television before the Tom Brady bros. Was literally 10 years ago.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, do you remember the Charlie Sheen roast, the Donald Trump roast, the Comedy Central roast? They used to have them all the time.

[B]

All the time.

[A]

They were a long time ago. Ago.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's a long time in the zeitgeist. Right. So those things don't exist to kids. To kids. Comedy is joking about stuff. Comedy is Chris Rock. Comedy is Kevin Hart. Comedy is Louis C.K. that's what they think of comedy is. They don't under. They don't even understand the jokes like that. This is Roast jokes are mean. They've always been mean.

[B]

They can be cruel.

[A]

Too personal, Ruthless. Go back and watch. Watch all those old Comedy Central roast. They were brutal. Yeah, they were brutal. Patrice would just eviscerate the entire stadium. Those things. The thing is, like, if you're a person and you're not accustomed to roast and you don't get why those jokes are so mean. I get it. But comedians. Comedians that are getting upset about these Roast jokes all the Way off. Just all the way.

[B]

All the way.

[A]

You traitor.

[B]

All the way off.

[A]

You know what this is? You know exactly what this is. You're a traitor. You're just using this moment to try to boost yourself up, to try to like, knock down what's happening in these. You could disagree with the content. You could say, I think they went too far with this. I don't think. But the. This, this pretending that these people are actual racists and Nazis just because they're telling these jokes that are in a roast. Like, all the way off.

[B]

Yeah. Don't suit up. Go out and play hockey. If you don't want to play hockey, like, sit on the bench.

[A]

But.

[B]

And don't. Don't badmouth the people. Yeah, it is what it is.

[A]

And that's the game. That's the game we're playing. We're playing this ruthless. And by the way, you know who didn't have a problem with it? Kevin Hart.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Kevin Hart has defended every single person that said horrible shit about him, about him being lynched from a bonsai tree and all the craziest shit that they said.

[B]

Well, you know who else didn't have a problem with it is the people, the corporations that put it on corporate television, on corporate airwaves. So there's a whole subsection of the foundation of where these. The platform that they're given. They didn't care about it either. They won't do it.

[A]

Well, they knew from the Tom Brady roast how powerful those things are.

[B]

Right.

[A]

The Tom Brady Rose was the number one watched thing in Netflix history.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

There's more than 55 million people watch that thing.

[B]

I gotta say, I'm not the hugest fan because I don't love cruel humor as much, but. But I do love it. That, that Tom Brady Rose roast, I feel like it kicked wokeness over the cliff. Like those buffalo, we were getting so woke and we needed that roast to sort of course correct.

[A]

There's two things that killed woke. Number one, Kid Rock gunned down a whole stack of Bud Light pants.

[B]

I love that.

[A]

That was it.

[B]

That was so good.

[A]

That might have been it.

[B]

Oh, that was gorgeous.

[A]

That might have been it. Because then they got to see the real, real financial consequences of being completely insane. Yeah, that people were fed up. They're like, enough. And Kid Rock saying, you Anheuser Busch. Like, yeah, that is. Yeah, that's a big hit to the stock price. And then people realize, oh, this is a micro set of people that are very loud. But it's not the macro. It's not. Yeah, it's not. It's not the general public.

[B]

It's even smaller than micro. Yeah, it's. It's like micro. Micro.

[A]

Not only that, but the people that were in it. A lot of them abandoned shit. Yeah, a lot of abandoned ship.

[B]

Virtue signaling is done. Yeah.

[A]

Just realized they got caught up in a thing that was like the way people were behaving. And so they imitated what was going on in their social groups. It's a normal thing that people do, but it just. It wasn't rational. And that's why it got shot down by Kid Rock.

[B]

By the way, what kind of gun did he use? I don't know guns. I bet you know what he used.

[A]

I think he used an ar. Let's go back and look at it. It's an assault rifle. Rifle.

[B]

Is it like, like automatic?

[A]

Semi automatic. I mean, maybe he used it automatic. He's in Tennessee. They have some solid gun he just blasted away. You kind of have whatever you want.

[B]

How many in a clip for an AR do you know?

[A]

It's called a magazine.

[B]

And see, I don't know. Canadian. I don't know anything about guns. They vary a magazine.

[A]

They took all your guns up there in Canada.

[B]

Well, we never see what is he shooting there. Wow, look at that.

[A]

Yeah. Let's see. Let's see the video of him doing it. And I can kind of tell you better. Better.

[B]

That's wild.

[A]

Kid Rock shoots back at Bud Light. How many views does this have? How many views this video have some

[C]

news reporting of it. I don't mean to. He didn't post it on YouTube.

[A]

Look at this.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

Okay, that's an AR.

[B]

I think that's the magazine.

[A]

But it might be. It might be a fully automatic.

[B]

That's not a clip.

[A]

Let me hear it, please. These? Yeah, I think that's fully automatic. Yeah, that's fully automatic. 100.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

So he has some kind of machine gun.

[B]

I want to go out. I want to shoot up a six pack of Dr. Pepper just for fun. I love Dr. Pepper, but now I want to shoot a. Some pop.

[A]

Why don't you just go shoot something you don't like? Because it's kind of symbolic of something you're trying to kill wolves.

[B]

Yeah, I love wolves. You want to shoot a wolf? We're not going back to the Depends

[A]

on where they are. Listen, if wolves are in the mountains and they're just being wolves and they're eating elk and deer and I'm all for wolves. I'm not an anti Wolf person. But I think you shouldn't bring them into residential neighborhoods and drop them off in ranches. I think that's ridiculous.

[B]

I'm bringing you back.

[A]

But I think that wolves in the wild are important. Yeah, I'm not an anti wolf person person. I just don't like people doing what I call ballot box biology, where you get people to decide by voting that are never going to experience these wolves. Do you think we should reintroduce wolves to Colorado and all these people that just got back from Whole Foods, like, yeah, that would be amazing. I heard it was going to help the sprouts grow and they. They vote yes, and then these poor lambs are getting eaten alive.

[B]

Have you shot a wolf?

[A]

No. No. I don't want to hunt wolves. I don't. I mean, I would shoot a wolf if I thought the wolf was like, endangering my family, trying to kill my dog or something like that. But I love wolves. I don't not like wolves. I think they're awesome. I think they're awesome.

[B]

Have you ever heard a wolf howl in the wild? No. It's very haunting. It's very ghostly. Even more. I know you've heard coyotes, but a wolf has this long howl. It's almost. I can see why Native Americans are so spiritually connected to it. It's very ghostly and it's spiritual almost. It's a very beautiful sound. Sound.

[A]

No, they're amazing animals. That's pretty good.

[B]

Sort of like that.

[A]

Do you know if you do that. I had a friend who had.

[B]

Sorry, it slipped.

[A]

Yeah, I had a friend who had wolves.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you do that in his house, they start howling.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. They go nuts.

[A]

Yeah. I would go over his house and. And.

[B]

Father. Wow.

[A]

What a wild animal.

[B]

They're amazing.

[A]

Crazy noise.

[B]

Look.

[A]

They're incredible.

[B]

They're incredible.

[A]

That's. That's so awesome.

[B]

I saw one.

[A]

And by the way, they're important to keep populations. I just don't think you should reintroduce him to Aspen. You. I don't know.

[B]

Might be fun to see a pack of timbers taking down a skier. Like Charlie Sheen coming down the hill with Denise Richards. And you think 12 timberwolves, like, take them down. And there was a movie rip out there.

[A]

There was a movie about that called Frozen. Not like the Let it Go.

[B]

Oh, yeah, it was with Liam Neeson.

[A]

No, that was the Gray. The. The Frozen movie.

[B]

Someone knows their wolf movie movies.

[A]

It's a heart. I know all the wolf movies. It's a horror movie about these kids. That are skiing and they get stuck on a ski lift because they forget they're up there and there's wolves down there.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

They get killed. So the guy falls and his legs break, and then the wolves come and get them.

[B]

So you're gonna get mad at me, but I don't. A movie like this one scare me because I just know wolves to be skittish. Like this.

[A]

Out of your mind.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You don't know what you're talking about. If you're injured.

[B]

Lions, leopards, jaguars, like, forget it. They'll take you down. But my experience with wolves is there's more skittish around humans. But I don't want to get into it again. We can go to Arby's later and have a fight.

[A]

You have a broken leg like that guy did in this movie.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Bleeding. And you can smell it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

They're tearing them apart right now. Look at.

[B]

Watch.

[A]

Watch it. They're eating them. They're eating them. They're killing the man.

[B]

Is that Denise Richards? No, no, it looks like Drew Barry.

[A]

Spoiler alert. They look live. Also spoiler alert. No wolves in New Hampshire. It's all.

[B]

Oh, yeah. There probably was at one point.

[A]

Yeah, they killed them all because they were killing people and livestock.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Idiots.

[A]

You know how they killed them, too? Most of them, they poisoned. What they would do is they would inject strychnine into horses and leave the horse carcass and eat it, and then they would all die.

[B]

Wow. They did a lot of trapping, too. Those cruel. The. Oh, yeah, the snap traps, they did that, too. I knew some old trap guys up when I worked up north, and these guys, you might not want to hear this, but the way they'd take them out is they'd trap them in the leg traps, and then they didn't want to damage the pelt. So then they walk up to them while they're trapped, and they just clonk them. They club them to death.

[A]

Like how they club seals like that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Horrible.

[B]

Yeah, that's. I don't like that.

[A]

The clubbing seals, man, was rough.

[B]

That was awesome. Rough. You ever see those videos? And the seals. At least a wolf would run away. These seals, they're just laying out, sunbathing, and they walk up and just bam. Smack and pop their skulls.

[A]

I know. And you're doing that for their fur.

[B]

And the babies. They'd smack the babies because they had that beautiful white fur. Oh, my gosh. These things are like a chromosome away from being a sex toy. They're so cute. Wow.

[A]

Wolves are good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just don't want them in your neighborhood.

[B]

I do.

[A]

Should be in the woods.

[B]

I love them. I wouldn't mind if they were around.

[A]

You say that. You say that. Do you have a dog?

[B]

I've had them.

[A]

What if you came out and your dog was getting eaten alive by wolves because they eat dogs?

[B]

I lost a. One of my dogs to coyotes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I remember the day you told me your pit bull went up and took out a whole squad of coyotes.

[A]

No, no, no, it wasn't my pit bull.

[B]

Oh, I thought it was yours. Know your neighbors?

[A]

It was one of my friends who worked at a pet store who was also worked at a veterinarian's office.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And he told me the story about this pit bull that came into the veterinarian's office. It was covered in cuts.

[B]

A big, big pit bull. Yeah, you told me this like, like 10, 15 years ago.

[A]

Yeah, it was like one of those, you know, they, there's, there's these companies that take pit bulls and they breed them and make them like £120. They keep breeding them bigger. This was one of those, this thing was a tank, Like a tank. And he said it was covered in cuts. And they asked the guy like what happened? He goes, I don't know. You know, I came home, he was all up and bleeding.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So he brings him in, they stitch him up and then the guy follows the blood trail out into the hills and he finds nine dead K. I

[B]

remember you told me that we were at the store one night and you told me that you just heard it.

[A]

I was like, wow, that is the

[B]

nuttiest story stayed with me because it was so like he said, he went

[A]

there, he said it looked like Vietnam.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He goes, there was just. Their necks were torn apart, their legs were broken. Cuz this pitbull, once he grabs a hold of him, he just starts shaking them. Coyotes weigh like 30 pounds.

[B]

Yeah. They're not super big, but they would

[A]

do this thing where they would like corner an animal and they would trick it and when they would trick it, they would send one animal out there to get chased.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so that very. The dog would chase it and they would all come in sides and tear it apart.

[B]

Yeah. They just really smart.

[A]

They with the wrong dude.

[B]

Yeah. Wow.

[A]

That crazy story.

[B]

I remember that one. You told me that. I was like, that's crazy. Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Yeah. There are everywhere now they're in.

[B]

Coyotes are everywhere everywhere.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[A]

They're really cool too. Coyote America. That book by Dan Flores, the same guy who wrote Bison Ecology, Bison Diplomacy, he wrote this amazing book about coyotes where he explains, like, why they're everywhere. Because gray wolves and coyotes don't breed, but red wolves and coyotes do. That's why you have those koi wolves on the east coast. Yeah, gray wolves have always killed coyotes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So when gray wolves find coyotes, they kill them. And so coyotes are used to being persecuted by the gray wolves, and then they just keep moving to new places. That's what they do. So that's how they made it all the way across the country. So when people were killing coyotes or people were trying to hunt coyotes, coyotes, they just moved. They just moved to new places.

[B]

Yeah, they can adapt. I see them in my front lawn almost every other week.

[A]

Yeah, they're everywhere.

[B]

Yeah, I'm in the Hollywood Hills in there. I see them walking right past my swimming pool.

[A]

I mean, it's not cool if you have a dog or a cat will eat them, but they are cool. It's a cool animal.

[B]

They're really cool.

[A]

And their. Their howls are wild, too. These yips in the middle.

[B]

Well, they go off sometimes. If there's a fire engine goes by in Hollywood, would. The coyotes will react to it and go off.

[A]

They also keep the rats down. Like, that's why you don't see a lot of rats. Yeah, they keep the rat population down.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

If they. If they killed up all the coyotes, it would have a devastating effect for the ecosystem, too. There would be a bunch of. That would be around all the time now that they're killing and eating.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. No, they're. They're cool animals, man. There was a. A girl. Speaking of being killed by wolves, there was a girl in Prince Edward Island, A. About 12 years ago, I think, killed by coyotes. She got killed by a pack of coyotes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She's out running with her Walkman on,

[A]

and she was like, a promising folk singer.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They said that those coyotes were unusual because they were used to killing moose. Killing moose? Yeah. The coyotes would literally. They were going after bigger game because there wasn't a lot of game there. So they were used to packing together and, like, taking out the moose by, like, attacking their legs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Keep cutting at their legs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Until they can't run.

[B]

Wow. I've never heard of coyotes taking down a moose.

[A]

We. We looked it up on the show. Like, this was a very unusual area.

[B]

Strange. Yeah.

[A]

And it's one of the reasons why they think these coyotes killed this girl. And she wasn't big. She was small.

[B]

Yeah. She Was out jogging.

[A]

Yeah, but that's the thing, man. They. They don't have rules they don't like. Well, we don't with people and people don't with us. But the orcas seem to. They seem to understand what we are. They've saved people, even out in the wild, like people that fell overboard. They've saved them.

[B]

Yeah. Isn't it strange that such a. Probably the top predator in the sea next to the sperm whale, the killer whale, could take whatever it wants and somehow, instinctively, it leaves humans alone? I don't really understand it. And that's why I talk about sort of the programming of nature to step around humans somehow, because it doesn't make sense. Humans look like seals were the same body shape, the same weight, pretty much. And yet orcas. There's no documented kill of a human by an orca.

[A]

I know other worlds. Yeah, well, they're so smart. And their brains are huge. They're huge brains. We just equate intelligence with your ability to manipulate your environment like so. They don't have a house, they don't have cell phones. They must be idiots. But we don't know. And they clearly understand that we're different than everything else.

[B]

But that's what I mean, all. I think all the critters do.

[A]

Well, we are.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Show some respect, bitch. We're the ones with the guns.

[B]

It's biatch biot. Thank you.

[A]

I mean, look, we both love animals. Yeah, I know you love animals. I love animals too. I just love people more.

[B]

I love people the same. But if it came to deciding whether we left Earth with humans or animals, I'll be honest, this will sound mean. I'd give it to the animals.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Because they don't know cruelty.

[A]

That's not true.

[B]

They don't know malice.

[A]

Do you know? Listen, you're saying you're talking crazy talk. Do you know how bears kill things? They just eat them. They hold them down. They eat them. They don't even kill them first.

[B]

But it's not. It's not from cruelty. It's for survival.

[A]

Doesn't matter.

[B]

Humans are cruel. Have you heard of Hiroshima?

[A]

Yeah, I have. That was probably less cruel than a bear eating you asshole first.

[B]

No, but there's no intent with a animal and just trying to eat you. An animal doesn't have intent, right, but

[A]

the end result's still the same. If you. You were getting eating asshole first by a grizzly bear. You're not thinking. Well, he doesn't have intent to be cruel. This is just how he Eats me asshole first is this.

[B]

But he has to eat you. He can't go to the grocery.

[A]

He doesn't have to eat you. He could kill you first and then eat you like a cat does.

[B]

But he doesn't know how. He doesn't realize he's being cruel. We do.

[A]

No, no, no. He doesn't care.

[B]

Right.

[A]

He doesn't know how. He could definitely kill you. If you were a bear and they were fighting, he would grab you by the neck and he would kill you like they try to kill each other, but when they eat you, they're not. They just don't care.

[B]

Right. Well, that's what I mean. There's no malice. Whereas humans.

[A]

But the result is the same. You're not going to take comfort in the fact that he doesn't have malice while he's eating your dick. Dick.

[B]

It's pronounced gourd.

[A]

You know that video? Well, the audio of Grizzly man getting eaten.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Five minutes long.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

It's five minutes long of him screaming while this thing is just eating him by grabbing his thighs and pulling chunks out of his thighs.

[B]

By the way, they finally just recently released that audio. Right. Because in the movie Grizzly man, the director refused to play it.

[A]

No, sorry, real. It's Werner Herzog. He, he. They destroyed that audio. The fake audio that's online, that's just fake.

[B]

That.

[A]

The new one, it's not even new. It's been around forever. But you listen to it, if you know it's fake, you hear it, you go, oh, this is.

[B]

Oh,

[A]

it sounds fake.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it sounds fake.

[A]

But the point is like, yeah, people are gross and cruel. So are chimps. You know, so what they do to monkeys is horrific.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, I don't know if they're doing it on purpose, but they, they, what they do to people, it seems like they're doing it on purpose. When they bite your fingers off and pull your eyeballs out, it seems like they're being cruel. You know, I think it's a primate survival tactic. Especially like primates that engage in war, chimps engage in war. You develop cruelty in order to be better at your job.

[B]

Yeah, but I think with them, they, they lack emotional crud. Cruelty. Like humans, we have, have. We have the knowledge to know something's bad or good. They just know survival and we engage in bad.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Which makes us.

[A]

We don't.

[B]

A different kind of cruel.

[A]

Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah.

[B]

Did I just win my first argument?

[A]

No. I mean, you're right. I agree. With you about that. We, we have a certain type of cruelty that's not, you know, it's not like any other animals, cruelty because we're aware of how it's going to affect other people.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

Yeah. They're not really aware of it. They just don't care.

[B]

Yeah. You know.

[A]

You know when they do those things where they communicate with chimpanzees, they teach them sign language, you know, they've never had a chimp ask a question.

[B]

Yeah, right. Interesting, interesting.

[A]

Because they communicate, but they didn't be like, yeah, why are you wearing clothes? There's not.

[B]

You know what I mean? I never thought of that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's weird, right? Yeah. Can we get Arby's for lunch? Like, why don't they ever ask for anything?

[A]

They don't ask.

[B]

Yeah, that's. Well, wait, did. Did you know what? That's not true.

[A]

How so?

[B]

Coco, the gorilla. The gorilla, he would ask for affection. He would ask for love and hugs.

[A]

I think there's a. Oh, yeah, but that's a request. That's not a question. Like, why am I here?

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

What is this building?

[B]

You're talking more of a philosophical question.

[A]

No, I'm talking about having actual curiosity about, like, its environment.

[B]

Right, I understand.

[A]

Why is your skin white and mine is not?

[B]

What is? They're just not aware.

[A]

How come you don't walk on your hands? You know, there's no. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like the what. What we call intelligence is very compartmentalized. It's very boxed in in comparison to our intelligence. We have the intelligence to understand this thing. Probably doesn't like being in the cage. They don't think that way.

[B]

No. Do you believe in the concept of a missing link? Like something in between Homo erectus and Neanderthal and then us, modern day. Is there. Do you think there's a missing creature?

[A]

I think first of all, the real problem is what's the evidence in terms of the fossil record? It's very incomplete.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Because it's hard to get fossils.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like for. For someone to leave a fossil behind, you have to die in mud or this specific conditions. So most animals that die, I think we looked it up before, it's like 99 are never going to leave a fossil.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So when they find things like, like Denisovans. So the Denisovans, I think they found in the 2000 and tens or something like that. When did they find them? It was more recently than that. Maybe it was more recently than that. So they just found like a Tooth and a finger. And then. And then they start finding bones. They're like, hey, this is not like a normal human tooth. This is not like a normal human bone. And then they do DNA tests on them, and then they go, oh, this is different. This is a different type of human. Human. So there's humans that lived alongside humans that we just found out about 10 years ago.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

So how many versions of. From ancient hominid to modern Homo sapien, How many versions were there that we have evidence of? That's what we don't know.

[B]

What's the Homo 2008?

[A]

Here it is. Michael Shonkov of the Russian Academy of Sciences and other Russian archaeologists. Oh, but I happen.

[B]

We just got scrolled Player.

[A]

What did that. That was weird.

[B]

We're getting scrolled.

[A]

What did it just do? That was so weird. That was so weird. It's like. It's like they didn't want us reading this out loud.

[B]

What's the Homo we're missing?

[A]

That's a good question. So archaeologists from the Institute of Archaeology and Ethnography, the Siberian branch of the Russian Academy of Sciences in Novo Goro Doc investigated the cave and found a finger of a juvenile female hominid originally dated from 50 to 30, 000 years ago.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

And then the estimate was changed to 76, 000 to 51, 000 years ago. Specimen was originally named X Woman. So anyway, the whole thing is they found that this is a novel ancient hominid genetically distinct from both contemporary modern humans and from Neanderthals. So they knew from that that it's a new kind of human. And that's just 2008. So this is 18 years ago they found that. So who knows how many ones they could find if they kept. If you had. There's a limited amount of archeologists that are doing this kind of work. Imagine if you had thousands and thousands of them scouring Asia, scouring Africa, looking. There's probably a bunch more that we haven't discussed.

[B]

Oh, definitely.

[A]

So this idea of the missing link, I'm not sure if that's accurate.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But then the question is, I'm glad

[B]

you said that because it sort of illuminated me a little too. I hadn't thought of it in those terms.

[A]

2008, a Taiwanese citizen purchased a fossil Homo mandible dredged from the sea floor of the Taiwan Strait from an antique shop and donated to Taiwan's National Museum. The national science. Attempts to extract the DNA were unsuccessful. But in 2025, protein analysis of the specimen designated Pangu1 was published showing that it belonged to a male. Denis Oven.

[C]

That was just in a shop.

[B]

I love the missing link. Was in an antique shop.

[A]

Well, that's how they found Gigantopithecus too. They found.

[B]

I like that old lamp. I'll take that plate. And how about historic missing link? How much is that? The hell.

[A]

I think it's just a different kind of person.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, and then.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

If they kept finding more of them, maybe we'd have a better understanding of, like, what we're talking about. But there's a giant leap, that's for sure.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's the biggest mystery in the entire fossil record is the doubling of the human brain size over a period of 2 million years. Well, nutty. Nutty thing that happened. All of a sudden, our brains grew.

[B]

Well, what's interesting to me too, is that you. You do have some fossilized remains that are very, very, very old that date back to, you know, know, caveman era stuff. And then we have stuff closer to what we just looked at. But there's that. That one transitional where you'd think there'd be a transitional creature that they can't seem to find.

[A]

Well, they might find it.

[B]

They might. I hope they do.

[A]

I think some of these are getting closer. They don't have, like a lot of Denisovan bones, but there's going to be a few more that they find. I'm sure if they keep looking. I bet there was probably a bunch of different kinds of humans. The question is, like, why did we succeed and why. Why are we so much smarter than all the rest of them?

[B]

We should go antiquing this weekend, see what we can dig up.

[A]

I don't think it's that way.

[B]

Well, according to that, in an antique show.

[A]

China. Right. It was a long time ago.

[B]

I don't care if they bought china or pottery. I just. Let's go in.

[A]

I gotta wrap this up.

[B]

Buddy, buddy.

[A]

Always good to see you, brother.

[B]

Great to see you. Thanks for having me.

[A]

Thank you for being here. Wingman. It's. Is it available? Streaming is available everywhere.

[B]

It's only. Only streaming on Apple and Amazon prime right now all over the world. And then in Canada, we will start streaming the end of June, and they might even do 60 to 90 theaters up there. So we're excited. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, dude.

[B]

Wingman. Yeah.

[A]

And good luck with the Tony one too. That sounds fun.

[B]

Yeah. And hopefully maybe we'll see you there.

[A]

Hopefully, maybe.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And congratulations on guest of the year. That's awesome. Also.

[B]

Oh, that was that was last year. Yeah, it was last year. Thank you, buddy. Great to see you. Love you, man.

[A]

Love you, too, brother. All right, bye, everybody.