#2296 - Big Jay Oakerson

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Joe Rogan Experience #2296 - Big Jay Oakerson

Introduction

In Episode #2296 of The Joe Rogan Experience, released on March 28, 2025, host Joe Rogan sits down with comedian Big Jay Oakerson for an engaging and candid conversation. The duo delves into a myriad of topics, ranging from personal aesthetics and the evolution of comedy to encounters with celebrities and reflections on societal issues. This summary captures the essence of their discussion, highlighting key points, notable anecdotes, and insightful reflections.

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Personal Aesthetics and the Challenge of Aging

Big Jay Oakerson kickstarts the conversation by addressing Joe Rogan's evolving personal style. Rogan mentions sporting three nose rings, a discussion that spirals into the broader topic of maintaining a youthful appearance as one ages.

Notable Quote:

• Big Jay Oakerson [00:19]: "You went with the three nose rings. Now you're getting crazy."

Rogan reflects on societal perceptions of aging, stating, "I feel if I saw it, I'd have a million and one jokes about it" ([01:07]). He acknowledges the difficulty of drastically changing one's appearance at an older age but emphasizes the importance of retaining authenticity to remain funny and relatable.

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Evolution of Comedy and Career Trajectories

The conversation transitions to the evolution of the comedy industry. Both Rogan and Oakerson reminisce about the past, comparing the stand-up circuits of yesteryears to the current landscape dominated by sitcoms and multi-talented entertainers.

Rogan shares his early experiences with New Faces auditions, illustrating the pressure to conform to certain standards to secure acting roles. He humorously recounts dressing in FUBU attire and sporting a silver chain with a cross to appear more relatable, despite being Jewish.

Notable Quote:

• Joe Rogan [01:33]: "When I did New Faces at Montreal... it was Columbia House."

Oakerson adds perspective by discussing the shift from monologues to sitcoms, highlighting how many comedians of the past transitioned into television roles, often leaving stand-up behind.

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Racism and Media Representations

A significant portion of the discussion centers on the portrayal of racism in media and its repercussions. Rogan and Oakerson critique iconic symbols and characters that perpetuate racial stereotypes.

Rogan mentions the removal of Aunt Jemima and compares it to other racist depictions in classic media, like Dr. Seuss's controversial illustrations. He emphasizes the importance of recognizing the origins of these symbols, noting, "They could get rid of it because no one's paying attention to why black people don't dress like that anymore" ([05:33]).

Notable Quote:

• Big Jay Oakerson [05:54]: "They took it like the actual lady who is an entrepreneur."

The conversation also touches on the complexity of addressing racism in comedic settings and the fine line comedians walk when tackling sensitive topics.

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Tattoo Culture and Age Restrictions

Oakerson brings up the subject of tattoos and body modifications, specifically discussing buttock augmentation (BBL) and its prevalence among men. They debate whether men should have access to such procedures earlier, citing brain development and decision-making maturity.

Notable Quote:

• Big Jay Oakerson [09:14]: "The brain's fully formed."

Rogan expresses skepticism about the practicality and safety of these procedures for men, infusing humor into the discussion about societal standards and body image.

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Encounters with Celebrities and Networking

Rogan and Oakerson share their experiences meeting various celebrities, highlighting both humorous and awkward interactions. Rogan recounts a missed opportunity with Rob Zombie, where despite their mutual acquaintance, they failed to gain access to the concert. Similarly, Oakerson discusses his interactions with Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock, noting the challenges of leaving a lasting impression despite multiple encounters.

Notable Quote:

• Joe Rogan [43:27]: "We rode a hot subway home together, staring at Nate."

These anecdotes underscore the complexities of networking within the entertainment industry and the fleeting nature of celebrity interactions.

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Comedy Industry Dynamics: Booking and Audience Engagement

The duo delves into the mechanics of the comedy industry, discussing the challenges of booking gigs that align with a comedian's style. Rogan criticizes venues that impose strict content guidelines, arguing that true comedy should be allowed to flow naturally without external censorship.

Notable Quote:

• Big Jay Oakerson [79:41]: "Just book the comedians that fit."

Rogan emphasizes the importance of understanding one's audience and the detrimental effects of mismatched performances, where comedians are forced into unsuitable settings, leading to poor reception and reduced effectiveness.

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Handling Heckles and Audience Interaction

A recurring theme is the interaction between comedians and their audiences, particularly dealing with hecklers. Both Rogan and Oakerson share strategies for managing disruptive audience members, highlighting the need for composure and adaptability on stage.

Rogan illustrates this with personal experiences, expressing the challenge of maintaining confidence when faced with silence or negative feedback. He remarks, "That's confidence from a lot of big sets. A lot of sets where you killed" ([73:00]).

Notable Quote:

• Joe Rogan [72:46]: "It's day one of karate."

They discuss the balance between staying true to one's comedic voice and adapting to audience reactions, emphasizing that genuine connection and humor are paramount.

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Violence, Undercover Operations, and Societal Reflections

The conversation takes a serious turn as Rogan and Oakerson explore topics related to violence, law enforcement, and societal issues. They discuss the psychological impact of undercover operations, referencing an FBI agent's experience infiltrating biker gangs and Neo-Nazi groups.

Notable Quote:

• Big Jay Oakerson [07:08]: "It really was."

Rogan narrates a high-stakes encounter with criminals, emphasizing the blurred lines between friendship and duty in undercover work. The discussion extends to the portrayal of violence in media and real-life confrontations, reflecting on the pervasive nature of aggression in society.

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Reflections on Fame and Early Success

Rogan and Oakerson reflect on the pitfalls of early fame, sharing stories of childhood stars who struggled with the pressures of the entertainment industry. They highlight the difficulties in maintaining authenticity and mental well-being when thrust into the spotlight at a young age.

Rogan recounts experiences in sitcoms like Z Rock and NewsRadio, illustrating how the pursuit of fame can lead to neglecting one's passion for stand-up comedy.

Notable Quote:

• Joe Rogan [92:05]: "I just wanna keep doing the black circuit."

Oakerson adds that sustaining a career in comedy requires dedication and the ability to continuously evolve, distancing oneself from fleeting television opportunities that may derail long-term comedic growth.

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Personal Anecdotes: Street Fights and Confrontations

The hosts share personal stories about confrontations and street fights, delving into the adrenaline-fueled responses that arise in high-stress situations. Rogan describes a road rage incident where he physically subdued an aggressor, only to grapple with the moral implications of his actions afterward.

Notable Quote:

• Joe Rogan [71:42]: "I hate it because you have to feel that way."

Oakerson discusses similar experiences, emphasizing the internal conflict between the desire for justice and the potential consequences of violent responses.

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Conclusion

Episode #2296 of The Joe Rogan Experience with Big Jay Oakerson offers a deep dive into the multifaceted world of comedy, personal growth, societal issues, and the complexities of human interactions. Through a blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and thoughtful reflections, Rogan and Oakerson provide listeners with an insightful exploration of what it means to navigate the ever-evolving landscape of entertainment and life.

Final Quote:

• Joe Rogan [170:32]: "Thank you."

This episode serves as a testament to the enduring bond between two comedians, their shared experiences, and the unending pursuit of authenticity and humor in a world rife with challenges.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

1. Big Jay Oakerson [00:19]: "You went with the three nose rings. Now you're getting crazy."
2. Joe Rogan [01:07]: "I feel if I saw it, I'd have a million and one jokes about it."
3. Big Jay Oakerson [05:54]: "They took it like the actual lady who is an entrepreneur."
4. Joe Rogan [09:14]: "The brain's fully formed."
5. Joe Rogan [43:27]: "We rode a hot subway home together, staring at Nate."
6. Big Jay Oakerson [79:41]: "Just book the comedians that fit."
7. Joe Rogan [72:46]: "It's day one of karate."
8. Joe Rogan [92:05]: "I just wanna keep doing the black circuit."
9. Joe Rogan [71:42]: "I hate it because you have to feel that way."
10. Joe Rogan [170:32]: "Thank you."

---

This structured summary encapsulates the rich and varied dialogue between Joe Rogan and Big Jay Oakerson, providing a comprehensive overview for listeners and readers alike who seek to understand the depth and breadth of their conversation.

Transcript

[A]

Joe Rogan podcast.

[B]

Check it out.

[A]

The Joe Rogan Experience.

[B]

Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. Big J.

[A]

We'Re rocking.

[B]

What's happening?

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

You went with the three nose rings. Now you're getting crazy.

[A]

Yeah, it's getting carried away. I went to go. I had a cold, and I think I blew my nose one of them out. So then I went to go get it re put back in, and I was like, throw another one in there while you're at it.

[B]

Fuck it.

[A]

Me. Fighting age, I think.

[B]

Is that what it is?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

There's something weird when you're fighting age. Like, you know you're doing it, but you can't help it.

[A]

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Like, when people make fun of just the way I dress or whatever, coloring my hair, my piercings, and they always like, is it gonna change at some point? And I am hitting an age where I'm like, I can't just do a hard shift one day. But it is funny to think, like, I can't see myself at 65 with painted dust doing some of the stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know why not?

[B]

Who gives a shit?

[A]

You can. But it's also, like, I feel if I saw it, I'd have a million and one jokes about it.

[B]

Right?

[A]

But it's still. At the end of the day, you're like, you know, I'd walk out. I go, oh, I forgot my pocket scarf. I gotta go back upstairs. I forgot my.

[B]

Long as you're still funny, you can pull it off. But when you're bombing with red hair and three nose rings, Shit, that's true. Becomes an issue.

[A]

That is true.

[B]

As long as you stay funny.

[A]

That's why I think when I first started, I tried to blend in. Whatever I was, I started in that black circuit. So, like, I had so much FUBU shit on.

[B]

Oh, there you go.

[A]

And just like, yeah, jerseys and stuff. So I definitely played it up. The funniest was having a big silver chain with a cross. And I'm Jewish, but I just really was like, I think they'll like me more if I have a cross.

[B]

When I first started, I thought you had a dress like those guys on Evening at the Improv. So I got a blazer and I rolled the sleeves up and I had, like, a wacky T shirt that I wore.

[A]

The costume?

[B]

Yeah, the costume have a button on your blazer. Some wacky button.

[A]

I watched all those shows growing up, even at the Improv Caroline's Comedy Hour. The evolution of comedy is insane.

[B]

It's pretty insane. Yeah.

[A]

The evolution. Just like the fact that these guys I watched, like, we'll always laugh and go back to Bill Kirschenbauer. Do you know that? That was the guy he played. He was the coach on a sitcom. He got a sitcom called Just the Ten of Us, where he had like eight kids or something. He was like a coach. It was a spin off show of some sort. But he was just like a. A zany comic. He just would go on stage and he was just loud and weird and. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

But these were the guys who made the rounds, right? Monologists.

[B]

Yeah. Well, it's almost like their act just got them to a sitcom. Like, that was a real strategy back then. You had an act that could get you to a sitcom. That's all everybody wanted.

[A]

When I did New Faces at Montreal, my manager at the time, Terrible, just gave me. I mean, he was just pushing the old advice. He was like, everything's like, don't be yourself at all. Like, write a set that's gonna be, what's your sitcom, basically? And dress, you know, a certain kind of dress, like first Stage. And I don't know what I was. I didn't know how to, like, what he meant in nice clothes. So I had like black loafers and straight leg, like dark blue dungarees. Like a short sleeve button down shirt. You with black loafers on and a short sleeve, like, blue button down shirt. It looked ridiculous and it was so dramatic. It's also funny too. Doing it as long as I have now 27 years. I think I'm doing it like the hilarious fake emotion you put into things. I remember having my daughter was a baby when I did New Faces and talking to the picture backstage before I went on stage like, all right, we're gonna go do it. And then had a mediocre set. And all I got from New Faces was like a MTV2 talking head one off. Like, what were they thinking? What were they wearing? MTV2 presents.

[B]

You remember those things where you would just start talking shit about people?

[A]

That's it.

[B]

Yeah. And they would. They just clip it up.

[A]

They took. They wouldn't. I did a couple of them. They didn't air most of it. And the one I always remember, because when I would go back to MTV for anything, they would always be like, we still pass the, like, the segment around of you doing that. What were they thinking?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it was Fiona Apple on an award show years ago, to accept her award. She got there and started quoting the great Maya Angelou or Something. And I was like, maya Angelou. I was like, what is she talking about Maya Angelou for? I go, look, we all loved her as Weezy Jefferson, and I enjoy her pancake syrup, but. And then they were like, yo, you can't call Maya Angelou Aunt Jemima. I'm like, but. I'm kidding. But I'm kidding, though. I know Maya Angelou is.

[B]

Wasn't it funny that they took Aunt Jemima off of Aunt Jemima, but that was an actual lady who is an entrepreneur.

[A]

Yeah. And they just could get rid of it because no one's paying attention to why black people don't dress like that anymore.

[B]

They just decided that Aunt Jemima was racist Uncle Ben. But that's true, right? I mean, this. This is not a TikTok myth, is it? Make sure that's true. I might have got. I got my. Might have got fooled by TikTok. I should say reels, because I'm not really on TikTok. Whether or not Aunt Jemima was a real entrepreneur, I'm pretty sure it's true. I think. I think it's based on a real woman, and I think she just was, like, an awesome cook and put together some pancakes.

[A]

Great pancakes. Yeah.

[B]

There's a lady, Nancy Green, it says. Oh, so her name wasn't Jemima. Right there. That's the real lady. I mean, this is the first ads.

[A]

I guess you could tell me. That's. You can tell me.

[B]

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

[A]

That looks like racist propaganda.

[B]

Look at this. Look at this. Eyes in town, honey. Okay? All arguments are out the window. Eyes in town, honey. Okay? Unless you are an actual black person saying that, you can't write that down. Like, you know, that was some fucking egghead advertising executive that put that together.

[A]

And then the poor guy. The poor guy. The printing press had to keep double checking. He was like, are you sure we're gonna do this?

[B]

I apostrophe s. Okay.

[A]

Yes. It's how they speak. Oh, I don't know, man. Oh, bro, I don't want to get involved in this. Oh, damn. That was a crazy picture. I just saw. I went to a.

[B]

That's so crazy.

[A]

I was looking at an art gallery in Philly recently that had, like, a Dr. Seuss exhibit at it, and I forgot that Dr. Seuss had all those, like, crazy racist drawings and stuff.

[B]

Right. What were they? What were they?

[A]

It was just like, you know, a hunter, like, with, like, a savage with, like, giant lips and stuff like that.

[B]

That's right. You know, it's like the most crazy racist that caught me off guard was our Crumb. Yeah, you know, our crumb, the like, 70s, sort of psychedelic comic book guy. He was very popular when I was a kid living in San Francisco. And when I was an artist and I was like, I used to love his stuff because, like, God, this guy's so weird. And then I saw some of the, like, the super racist ones and. And you're like, yo, what the fuck?

[A]

It really is. The explanation is like, now it's a different time.

[B]

He had some just weird shit, man. Like he, like, riding on giant women. You ever see the documentary they did on him?

[A]

No, but I know what it is. Yeah. No, I've never seen it.

[B]

It's very interesting. It's like, because his brother is super weird and his mother is super weird. And, you know, here's this guy, like, wearing a tie and he's real pervert and he's like, openly a per. But like a brilliant artist.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

Yeah, it's fascinating.

[A]

I've heard of it before. It is amazing, though, that the stuff I was. Went to a musician, a musician's house for New Year's Eve when I first moved to New York, so 20 some years ago. And he just invited me and Kurt Metzger, and we went to his apartment and it was covered in like, sambo paintings, like real.

[B]

Oh, jeez.

[A]

But there was, like, black people at the party. It was just like, yeah, it's art. And I'm like, I don't know if I'd cover my house and something. I had to explain every one of them to people. I go, no, no, no, no, no.

[B]

Yeah, you have a lot of choices. You could have puppies, flowers.

[A]

It's so funny when someone makes strong decisions if they change their ways. I used to drive strippers to bachelor parties to be the bouncer with zero skills to handle that whatsoever. I took the job as, like, fat kid that wanted to see naked girls for free. And I ended up at a bachelor party with two brothers. It was one of the brothers thing, and he was covered in, like, swastika tattoos and all kinds of crazy shit. And the strippers were not both white for sure, but there's also black people at this party and stuff like that. And I don't know the explanation these guys have to give, but I talked to one of their black friends and was like, hey, is it weird to ask? But, like, these guys are all covered in, like, swastika and racist tattoos. And they were like, oh, yeah, they just got caught up in some Bullshit. When they were teenagers, they're good dudes. Like, wow. And they're still wearing short sleeve shirts. Huh. That seems strange. Like, you think these guys would be in, like, wearing Terrell Owens bodysuits, like, to cover that up.

[B]

It's like one of the arguments why you shouldn't be able to get a Tattoo until you're 25 is that when.

[A]

The brain's fully formed.

[B]

Yeah. When you're a boy, your brains. Women mature younger. But when you're a boy, your brain is fully formed at 25. When you're able to make solid decisions.

[A]

What decisions do girls make for tattoos that are that great?

[B]

Very few swastikas.

[A]

Very few. Very few swastikas.

[B]

Like, what are the numbers of swastikas on girls versus on dudes? Like, if we could Google that, please. What percentage? Like, what percentage?

[A]

I think it's just that one girl. The character that Firuza Balk played in American History X. Did you. I just read a thing recently. This made me laugh so hard. You know this movie, American History X.

[B]

Yes, I remember that movie. That movie was crazy.

[A]

Great movie. Crazy movie ending is such a question mark on it.

[B]

Right?

[A]

And if you recall, like, you know, he goes to prison, he reforms himself, he comes out, he tries to get his brother out of that mindset of being a white supremacist. And then he succeeds basically in telling him the story of what happened to him in jail. And then the next day, he walks his brother to school. His brother gets killed by a black kid, shoots him in the chest and he dies. And then he goes in to save him. Or he goes in there and just cries, screaming, like, what have I done? You know, his brother's dead now. And then they end the movie. The director, who apparently was a lunatic, him and Edward Norton, like, fought the whole time.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Over, like, how the movie should go. But the director's ending he wanted to do was after the brother gets shot by the. By the black kid. They were gonna show Edward Norton in the mirror and then with the big swastika tattoo on him. And then he was gonna smirk in the mirror and walk off. I was like, they should have played back in Black after that. He's back and he's racister than ever.

[B]

I was almost gonna get it removed.

[A]

Just imagine smiling like a Schwarzenegger. Movie ending to American History X.

[B]

That is so crazy that he wanted to do that.

[A]

I mean, not the song, but that is. They should have played the song. Yeah. The image of smirking.

[B]

The song would have been Everybody would have been so mad. Can you imagine if you cheesed it up just at the end? Like, you have this brilliant movie, and at the end, just total cheeseball, curveball ending.

[A]

Oh, man. I remember taking a. A date to go see. It was a girl I lost my virginity to, who's a little bit older than me and very. A very hippie, dippy girl. And we went to go see. What the fuck was the movie? It was a John Singleton movie.

[B]

Boys in the Hood.

[A]

Fuck, no, no, no, no. It was the one on the school campus. Why am I blanking on it? Omar Epps was in it. Tyra Banks was in it. Michael Rapaport was great in it. Higher learning. Absolutely. I took this girl, see, Higher Learning. And the movie is great. At the end of the movie, Michael Rappaport goes crazy. He becomes. He gets roped into being a white supremacist with the skinhead group on campus. Never seen that. These guys, I mean, like hardcore on campus skinheads, but they still got loans.

[B]

It's a science fiction movie.

[A]

They're like white power. All right, I got. I got social studies in a few minutes on campus. I got to go. Hey, can you finish. Can you finish nailing these cross?

[B]

What year is this?

[A]

95.

[B]

That's so cool.

[A]

Yeah, right when I graduated high school and I take her to see this movie and said, the movie is, Michael Rapport joins the skinhead group. Black people on this campus, a lot of things. There's like a black party going on. I think a white kid tried to rape a girl, Kristi Swanson. And then all the black guys go to help and like, kind of beat up the kid who raped her. And then the cops, of course, come and get mad at the black people and save the rapist. Then Michael Rappaport goes nuts, goes on top of the school and starts picking off black people in a 90 minute arc. Oh, yeah, starts picking off black people. One of them kills Omar Epps girlfriend, Tyra Banks.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

And then he gets into a fight. Omar Epps and him get into a fist fight. And then the cops break it up, start beating the shit out of Omar Epps. And then Michael Rapoport pulls a gun out on the cops when they're trying to stop him. And I know the scene's trying to be like they're trying to keep the situation calm so nothing more crazy happens, but they're going like, it's okay, son. Everything's gonna be okay. We're okay. You know, while he's like holding the gun. And then I think Michael Rapport kills himself is how that ends. And then at the end there's like a concert happening and they just put the word unlearn across the screen and you can just hear black people in the audience go, what the fuck? And I was like, yo, let's go, let's go. And she was like, what? I was like, no, no, let's go. Like, do not let these credits start. Let's get in the car. And I mean, I don't know how bad it got out there, but it was a yelling, a lot of yelling. It was an inflammatory movie.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

There's no point a movie where a white person got their, their due. It was always like a white person fucks over black people and then the cops are like, wow, you're fine. Shit happens, man.

[B]

You can make a movie like that before the Internet.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You know?

[A]

Yeah. Because there wouldn't be a million signature proof that this shouldn't be a thing or whatever.

[B]

Well, it was also preposterous, like patently.

[A]

Preposterous just to argue it.

[B]

Well, if you're pretending there's a white power group on a college campus, how about ever, Ever? Like, this is crazy. Like you found the one that was used to study the one college, there's a white power group in it. And like open openly.

[A]

Openly what? Walking around, tattoos out, and all the.

[B]

Cops are openly racist? Like, not just like there's a racist cop, just like there's a racist fucking postman. Yeah, this is racist every. There's a racist dentist out there somewhere.

[A]

Yeah, but no, they make it like that at the today's meetings. Like, all right, let's round up some blacks, make sure these whites are okay.

[B]

So crazy. So crazy you can make a movie like that.

[A]

I think you still be that kind of inflammatory. They go for it. I just watched that adolescence thing, which I thought was adolescence. It's this new. It's a four part like miniseries on Netflix. It's British. I'm like, I watch things so open minded and just looking to be entertained that I miss messages a lot. But by the third episode, I realized it's about a little boy gets immediately accused of how it starts of killing a classmate and he's getting arrested. Each episode is one shot. To me it's like a play and the acting is unbelievable. But the what it whittles down to, it's apparently like a. From the, the videos I watched beyond like this show explained. Because I look at all those and it was like an anti like toxic masculinity like, message. And the idea was just like, the kids watched porn and his dad's a tough guy, so that's why he thought he can kill a woman or why you can kill a girl.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And they shout out. And again, this. I don't know a lot of this guy's stuff other than the basic idea, but they shout out Andrew Tate in it. When I heard that name, I was like, oh, that's what this is.

[B]

But here's the thing. There is. That could be a real guy. Like, that's less preposterous than the white power group on campus.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

There's kids that get radicalized. They get an evil parent who, you.

[A]

Know, they didn't really make it. That was evil. They were making it more like the porn and like the idea that, like, well, that mom should be in line and cooking.

[B]

Because guys who grow up without a mom, those guys can def. They have a shitty dad and no mom. Those guys could definitely be. And if you have psycho in your DNA.

[A]

I had too much mom.

[B]

No, you didn't. No. You had the perfect amount to make you. This episode is brought to you by my friends at Black Rifle Coffee. That's all I drink, folks. If you see me drinking coffee in the studio, it's Black Rifle Coffee. It's because my friend Evan Hair, who owns a company, I love him to death. And they make the best coffee in the world. They put together the best energy drink in america. Made with 200 milligrams of naturally sourced caffeine, low calories, and absolutely zero sugar. It's available in four new delicious flavors. Project Mango Ranger Berry, Freedom Punch and White Frost. Veteran, founded and veteran led. Each Black Rifle Coffee purchase you make helps them give back to those who serve our nation. Shop now at black rifle coffee.com Joe Rogan with the code ROGAN for 30% off or visit your local grocery and convenience stores. Black Rifle Coffee, America's coffee.

[A]

I had a little dad, lots of mom, just tendencies. When I was my step pop man, he swooped in and saved my ass from really being as twirly as possible without being into Cox. I mean, I was right there primed for the take and I'm sitting there laying on my tummy as a kid watching Falcon Crest in Dallas with my mom.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

That's what I know. Lorenzo Llamas from Falcon Crest. Not Renegade like everybody else was.

[B]

Renegade. The one where he was the karate guy.

[A]

He was the karate guy, but he was sent. He was a bounty hunter.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

On A motorcycle.

[B]

But wasn't he, like a karate guy, too?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I'm not making that up.

[A]

Well, no, no. He would fight his fights with karate.

[B]

But Steven, beautiful.

[A]

He was gorgeous.

[B]

So handsome.

[A]

I know. It really is the. The sadness of a guy that handsome because he got a girl that was smoking hot, and then. Was it Shauna Sands?

[B]

Look at him.

[A]

Yeah, he married. I think he married Shauna sand was like, a playboy girl. And then they break up and she gets crazy surgery. She looks like a lunatic. She's doing. Starts doing porn.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

And he still looks pretty great.

[B]

He's had a ton of fucking series. Those weird series that you, like, flip through in the middle of the night. Like he's a motorcycle detective or something. You know, it's like there's a bunch of those. How many series? He's one of those guys, like, always has a series.

[A]

I mean, the alliteration of the name. He was handsome. It was all kind of perfect.

[B]

Yeah. Does he have a career? Does he keep the long hair?

[A]

No, there's no way.

[B]

Because he's still rocking like Fabio. Still rocks it. He's not letting go.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

Respect. No, see, he's got short hair. Look at him. Even older with white hair. Handsome as.

[A]

I mean, and. But I mean comparatively, too. If you look at the ex, that was like his holy shit wife, she fell apart. They all fall apart.

[B]

That surgery is a crazy way to go because you can't see what you look like. It's like anorexics or bodybuilders, you get dysmorphia. Your brain starts playing tricks on you, and you think your lips aren't big enough and your tits aren't big enough and your face is, you know, like there's some skin on the side of your ear. You should pull it back. And you tuck this and pull that and stick out more. If they put the implants in. And that would probably get me a better. A better guy.

[A]

I'd get a fat ass. I always say I crowdsource it. If the audience will pay for it, I'll get a fat ass.

[B]

Let's find out what they do, because I'm bewildered. So I know that there's an operation where they take fat out of other parts of your body and they stuff it in your ass. And your ass looks like a bag of cheese, which is.

[A]

There's bad ones.

[B]

Maybe there's good ones. Maybe there's good ones. Maybe I'm being judgmental. It's probably a doctor out there. Hey, I do it under the Surface of the fat so that I know there is always a smooth area on top. Some wizard with a BMW.

[A]

But at this point, there are good breast implants. At this point there are. They exist.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

They feel real, but also they look real. And they don't have like the. Where you have like the, you know, you see rib cage between them.

[B]

Yes. But here's the thing. You are putting something that similar to breast tissue where breast tissue would be. So with this. Your butt is a muscle. Yeah, you know, it's like muscle and fat. A male. Why'd you say male? Jamie, how dare you? What do you mean? Can expect to retain anywhere from 60 to 80% of the fat that is initially transferred into the butt. I like when they say butt like that. I really think they're, you know, professional.

[A]

You're talking about surgery into the glutes.

[B]

You're calling butt surgery?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What kind of a doctor. Let me see your diploma.

[A]

Now you're gonna want to be gentle when you take a. For the next three weeks, the rest.

[B]

Will be reabsorbed by the body over time. The results you see immediately after surgery and in the weeks following are not permanent. Around days post op, your bind, your butt will finally stabilize into its new shape and size. The procedure itself is semi permanent. As opposed to permanent. As your body responds to natural aging process and normal weight fluctuations, so too will your buttocks. Depending on the precautions you take during your recovery and the lifespan you maintain in the time following your BBL may last several years to even decades. I saw a dude at the mall the other day with a BBL for sure. 100%. No way. It's real gay. Yeah, super. How dare you ask that? Magic. It wasn't a gay guy. Imagine straight guys start getting bbls.

[A]

It has to exist.

[B]

A hop. Has to.

[A]

There's definitely a guy.

[B]

It's probably a whole website dedicated to like normalizing straight guy bbls. Daddy makeover. Just lift. Way too fucking pussy. Yeah, I mean, go to the gym and do the work. Shut your mouth and stop it with your bbl.

[A]

Unless. And I'll put it out there again, unless the crowd pays for it, I will get a fat ass.

[B]

Here's the thing. I think there's other ways to do it. This was my question because I know there's an implant as well.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So there's. There's butt implants, which is kind of even crazier because then you're taking the risk of having something, a foreign object in your ass where everyone's scared to get cancer. Like, if you're scared to get cancer, what's the place you're scared to get the cancer the most? Ass cancer. You don't have to shit in a bag, you know? So, like, you're thinking about these plastic things that you've inserted into the muscle tissue surrounding your. What kind of inflammation is going to be caused by that? What about the plastic leaching into your body as you're in the sauna? What the fuck are you doing?

[A]

Yeah, it's a weird thing, you know. I can't believe they still haven't perfected dick surgery, dick lengthening or beginning surgery. But what's crazy is there are procedures and people get them. Yeah, I couldn't imagine getting a procedure that's been done like a thousand times.

[B]

Well, here's the thing, man.

[A]

You don't want to be the first. You don't want to be the first tonsillectomy, and that's like routine.

[B]

Isn't it kind of shocking that no one's figured out a way to make a bigger dick? It's kind of shocking.

[A]

It is shocking. That's what I'm saying. I'm surprised that hasn't been the thing.

[B]

There's the butt, the butt enlargement. Intramuscular buttock implants. Now when they say buttock, I feel a little bit more comfortable. Yeah, I feel like these are real pros. So you're going to take those plastic. What are those things made out of, Jamie? Let's find out what.

[A]

Those ones are dirty.

[B]

They pulled them out of a butt.

[A]

Oh, they took him out.

[B]

He's a D transitioner. Okay, so what does it say? Buck butt augmentation is most commonly performed by fat injections. Well, men can do, like, women's synthetic O, while men can do, like, women, synthetic filters, fillers. Oh, synthetic fillers. Oh, boy. And fat injections, they often are less tolerant to the procedures that require multiple treatments and whose effects are more modest. Interesting. They're often smaller and flatter. Buttocks are more resistant to augmentation efforts with stronger intergluteal muscles and a thinner subcutaneous fat layer. So he's saying, I can do it to dudes, but it's not going to come out good.

[A]

Isn't it crazy that the only real end game of this because, like, what's the benefit in your life? It's sick, but it's like, it's like money. It's like, ultimately it's like finding someone who's gonna like your weird body more.

[B]

You think it's money for dudes it's.

[A]

Like, oh, for dudes.

[B]

Yeah, these are dudes. That's a dude.

[A]

Oh, that's just gay.

[B]

Probably gay as fuck.

[A]

Or maybe the guy was also crowdsourced and maybe they paid for it.

[B]

Yeah. Solid ultra soft silicon buttock implants of 400cc were placed in a layered muscle and incision closure. Done, no drains were used. His long term results showed good improvement. Scroll up, please. Is buttock size and shape is even? Probably better in that regard than I thought could occur. Ew.

[A]

Do some squats.

[B]

It looks fake, like there's a lump. There's a lump where you have a tumor in your ass. Or like, look, there's like a little ridge where all of a sudden the implant is. That's so weird that I'm staring at this guy's butt.

[A]

I just don't think it's the same guy.

[B]

This same guy. I trust these people.

[A]

Why would the Internet lie?

[B]

Buttock people?

[A]

The Internet lie.

[B]

They wouldn't lie.

[A]

But the penis surgeries are like nutty thing from like cutting a tendon.

[B]

Yeah. To make it just poke out a little more. And then there's other ones where they thicken it up. They get in there with a mesh and thicken it up. Nice sauce.

[A]

When I, when I was heavier even, I went to, I got a consultation, free consultation at a plastic surgeon. I was like, I bet if I, I'm fine with my hard dick, but I hate my soft hang sometimes. And I was like, I bet if I got my gun sucked out, liposuctioned, it'll make it, you dig, more impressive. It'll make it look bigger, soft, particularly. And I'm like. So I went to the consultation, it was a male doctor. So you're like, okay. And he gets you. I mean, I knew he was going to have to look ultimately at one point, but this guy takes me to Miri, goes, He goes, all right, drop your pants. I drop my pants. And I also have Dr. Dick, you know, like, it's like I'm also a guy, so I'm like. And you can't like. I didn't want to try to, like, fluff it up. Yeah, fluff it. Before he walks. So I, he comes in and he's like, drop your pants. He goes walk over to this mirror, which I was like, oh, God, don't make me do this. And I stand in front of the mirror and he goes on either side of my dick with his hands and he goes, right now it looks like this, and I can make it look. And he just Pushes my fat back and goes like this. And I was like, his dick is.

[B]

Just inches from your face. I was like the whole time.

[A]

Uh huh. I pulled my pants up like a victim and left the office and never even thought about it again. That was crazy.

[B]

That's a weird look. Yeah, he was like getting in there and then here. I'm gonna move my face six inches from your dick. But don't worry, I went to school.

[A]

A doctor looking up at you. Do you like that?

[B]

You see the frame? Diploma? This is fine. This is fine.

[A]

This is a safe space.

[B]

This is. What does your dick taste like, I wonder?

[A]

Oh man, there's no way he doesn't go out and talk to those hot ass nurses about my little wiener.

[B]

Yeah, definitely the littlest dick. Oh my God, it smelled like cheese.

[A]

I don't know. At this point, they expose so many people. Do you believe anybody's genuine goodness anymore?

[B]

It's hard to believe. You know, I went down a deep dive looking at doctors who use their own sperm in fertility clinics. Yeah, I was, I was researching this one case. I was just, you know, I just wanted to find out like, God, how did this guy, how'd they catch him? What happened? Then I found there's like hundreds of cases. Oh yeah, it's got, there's hundreds of cases. There's hundreds of cases of doctors doing this. There's doctors using their own sperm. And then people finding out on 23andMe because it's like fucking everybody in the neighborhoods related.

[A]

It's just their kink just to like jerk off in the vials.

[B]

It's just such a crazy thing. There's so many fucking psychos out there.

[A]

What are you giggle at while you're injecting a girl with your jizz?

[B]

I had this guy on Yesterday that spent 25 years as an undercover FBI guy that infiltrated biker gangs and Neo Nazis. And bro, like you talk to a guy like that and you start like really wondering, like, what, where, where's the good in the world? Like, how many creeps are there? Like how many really fucking psychotic people are out there organizing right now in the world?

[A]

It's a wild thing to go with like different groups undercover though too, if they ever overlap someday, like. And you go, hey, you were a skinhead two months ago. When did you become a biker?

[B]

Yeah, exactly. And this guy is, look at him. I'm sure you picture him just a big giant dude.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

With a goatee and pulled back hair and tattoos all over his arms so he like blended right in with all these psychos.

[A]

Thank God. I used to have a. When I was young, I had a joke about the concept of, like, with the hookers, where you have to. They go, well, if you ask them if they're a cop, they'll tell you. They tell you, they have to tell you or it's entrapment. And I was like, then what the fuck is undercover work? Doing like five years with the mob. And then one day they go, hey, you know, I never even asked you. This is stupid, but are you a cop? Like, shit, man.

[B]

Yeah, I think that was like, you.

[A]

Were my kids christening. I know, man. You never asked. I swore at this point, I thought you were never gonna ask.

[B]

I think that was like a dumb thing they made up for TV shows, you know? And then everybody thought it was real. It was like some dumb plot point.

[A]

Are you a cop? No. Yeah, of course you could say no, right?

[B]

Because the good guy who's the cop always had to be honest. Yeah, he was never lie. This guy, this, he was telling me about, he had to do cocaine with these people. They had to beat people up. And he's like, if went down, man, I ought to be a part of it.

[A]

Prostitutes, things they would do on cops were always. They'd get in the car and they'd be like, are you a cop? And he goes, come on, do I look like a cop, bro?

[B]

This guy got busted wearing a wire and got away with it.

[A]

Really?

[B]

They didn't find the wire.

[A]

No shit.

[B]

They came that close. He said they were inches away. They were rubbing his clothes, like, checking all his clothes. He said they were inches away, but he was like arguing with them. I can't fucking believe you guys like that kind of shit.

[A]

After I. After I mysteriously showed up three weeks ago. And now I'm working my way through the ranks, now you're gonna start patting me down.

[B]

All right, and I'm helping you run guns and drugs to Mexico.

[A]

Guys. I donuts yesterday morning. I'm that guy.

[B]

I'm that guy. I am your brother.

[A]

I'm the dude.

[B]

And meanwhile, they all go to jail eventually.

[A]

Also, when they do undercover, it still seems like some. Like when they would go home at night, still come out of their biker clothes. How was it, hun? Like, these guys are animals. I hope one of them didn't happen to follow me home.

[B]

Well, he was. He was not doing things that were anywhere near his home. He would go away for long stretches at a time and go back and forth. And he had all these reasons for doing so. Different businesses that he did. That he was involved with.

[A]

Did he ever, like, find himself? You kind of, like, hang with somebody that much time and they think you're their friend. Do they ever get, like, sympathy for them?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, definitely. That's one of the more fascinating parts about it. It was like, he. This guy that he had to put in jail, he's like, that guy was like my friend. He's like, we finished each other's sentences. We were just like each other. Other than the fact that he was a criminal and I was an FBI agent. And I was like, do you think that you could have gone down that road if you had the wrong lives? Like, absolutely, man. Absolutely. All of us could have. I go, that's what I think, too.

[A]

I think that's what happened to Michael Rapaport in Higher Learning.

[B]

He got it with the wrong crowd. He was a regular guy with good intentions. Next thing you know, he's shooting women super normal in a 90 minute arc of a film.

[A]

It was so much, so fast.

[B]

Unless he's the star of the film where they follow him every step of the way.

[A]

He was a clockwork orange for black people. They. They put like. It's like for 90 minutes you just bl. Yeah.

[B]

Michael Rappaport is. His kid is hilarious.

[A]

You got to see when the cop. It's when the cops have him at the end and they're like, son, everything's going to be fine. You're white.

[B]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Rapoport does a really good job of complaining about things. Like he's always got something that he's fucking screaming and yelling.

[A]

Pretty hyped about Israel. Seems.

[B]

It seems like it, yeah.

[A]

I've only seemed hyped about two things, Israel and Ari. Only two things have ever hyped Michael Rapper for. And also, I think the rising of the black race also, I think pissed him off. The scenes in that scene.

[B]

In that scene. But to his credit, that was the 90s.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Nobody knew better back then.

[A]

Well, that's so funny for him. Also, if you remember his first big role, great movie called Zebra Head.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And he was like. Because that was more of his thing. He's more of like a.

[B]

He was a thing too, right? Was he? And do the right thing.

[A]

I don't know. I don't know if he was in that. True Romance for sure. That was great.

[B]

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[A]

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Void. In Ontario, new customers only. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see DKNG Co Audio. Do the Right Thing with Spike Lee's first big hit, right? I think he was in that.

[A]

May have been.

[B]

Was he in it? Jamie?

[A]

I didn't watch a lot of Spike Lee.

[B]

Oh, he had some bangers in the early days. Mo Better Blues made me feel lazy because I remember Denzel Washington would practice every day, you know, like he was an artist. He would practice every day and his girl was trying to fuck. And he was like, no, no, I have to practice. And I was like, wow, I wish I was like him.

[A]

I wish I left practice more than pussy.

[B]

I would think about that, like, as a comic. Like, even when I was a professional comic in the early days, I didn't spend my whole day writing. I was off playing pool and hanging out with my friends. You might be thinking of True Romance. He was in that. No, no, I thought it was this or. Sorry. On do the Right Thing, his first movie was in 92. Oh, really interesting.

[A]

You're thinking of Danny Aiello.

[B]

I don't know who I'm thinking of. Who am I thinking of? Go to do the Right Thing.

[A]

Cast Turturro.

[B]

Maybe I'm thinking of Turturro.

[A]

That is probably who you're thinking of.

[B]

Actually, that is who I'm thinking of.

[A]

It's hard to see in that picture, but when he's younger.

[B]

Younger, he's. He's. I mean, Michael's a lot younger but zebra head.

[A]

Yeah, he was like his. Like his whole thing is like a hip hop guy.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

So it's so funny that he plays this, like, major role as like a white fucking white supremacist.

[B]

Got to take what you can get, you know, it's acting, bro. Robert De Niro really was a psycho. And Taxi Driver.

[A]

No, no. Maybe go watch that movie.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

You know, it's funny. The building I lived in in New York on 57th street is the old taxi depot that they shot Taxi Driver in.

[B]

Really?

[A]

And they keep downstairs, like where the gym and stuff is. They have the sign still. They keep the sign. The original signs for the parking lot. That was a good movie.

[B]

That was a great movie. And if Robert De Niro just never gave a political speech, I would think about him that way.

[A]

You can't make a movie like that with a budget anymore. Well, every movie with balls, it has to be an indie flick.

[B]

100%. Yeah. Or you have to be some beyond reproach director that they just let do whatever they want it. Like a Tarantino. Like, there's no way. Once upon a time in Hollywood went through some sort of an executive focus group.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There's no way he's killing women, smashing their head on a mantle. Spoiler alert. I mean, dogs are eating dicks.

[A]

What a brilliant. What a brilliant ending, though.

[B]

Oh, that movie's great.

[A]

So good.

[B]

It's so good. I love that movie.

[A]

I don't know if I've seen that final scene where they flip history. I've never had an audience in a movie theater, like, communally laugh like that since the Jackass movies.

[B]

Right. Jackass 2, it was a cheering moment too. That was a fucking great movie. He's got all bangers. He's the only guy that I could say as a. Well, there's a few others you probably could put in that argument that have zero movies where I'm like, oh, that have no.

[A]

Everything's good.

[B]

Tarantino. There's not one that I can think.

[A]

Of that wasn't David lynch, but he's made some crap. I liked a movie that you have to try to figure out, but when you can't figure it out and other people can't figure it out, you're like, this is just a hunk of there.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You can't be so artistic that nothing makes sense.

[B]

James Cameron's done some bangers.

[A]

Do you watch, like, I've gone through on the Road and watched, like, the 25 most disturbing movies of all time.

[B]

No, I don't like being disturbed that much to you?

[A]

Yeah, I think so. I mean, I just kind of see where. How far people will go in a movie. There's some. I mean, Serbian films, The most notorious.

[B]

Yeah, there's some fucking psycho movies. Like, who's that one? That evil clown that kills everybody and doesn't talk. The terrifier.

[A]

Oh, terrify. Yeah.

[B]

Bro, These movies are fucked up.

[A]

Yeah, but they're campy on purpose. Like, they're so over the top.

[B]

There was a violence category of film. I was really into horror movies when I was young, and there was a whole category of films that were just gore films. It was. They were called gore. It was like a gore. It was. Those guys would, like, chop women up with an ax and pull their guts out and rub them all their face.

[A]

Like, they also had excessive nudity in them. Those were the horror. The horror boxes at the video store that were bigger than everything else. Like those. Like, I spit on your grave movies like that. Like, the box was way bigger, so you really had to walk up, like a piece of. I'm gonna watch this rape revenge movie with my other teenage friends. Thank you.

[B]

Nothing like a good slasher rape revenge movie. Yeah, these are the best. Why is that? We're so dumb. We like to just sit there and watch this guy kick everybody's ass. Yeah, him up.

[A]

Yeah. It's RoboCop.

[B]

Love it.

[A]

Fantasy.

[B]

Did you ever see Sissu? No, I think it's my fate. It's next to John Wick. It's my favorite. It's probably right up there with John Wick as my favorite revenge movie of all time. It's about a guy, and the whole movie has no English in it. It's in World War II. Is it Finland. And this dude is a soldier who retired from the war and became a gold miner, made a little score and was trying to get to the town with his score, and he runs into the Nazis. And it's so fun. It's so fun because you could tell this guy does not want to do this, but he's got to kill everybody. And they all get cocky with him.

[A]

What do you think? The mindset is nice.

[B]

So it turns out this guy was, like, famous in the war for being impossible to kill. He has scars all over his body. He's like the absolute worst guy. And they found him and he kills everybody.

[A]

Spoiler alert.

[B]

And it's great. It's just fun.

[A]

What do you think the mindset is between behind, like, a Liam Neeson? Who. I mean, there's a movie Comes out almost bimonthly of him getting revenge for something.

[B]

Hey, it's a living.

[A]

I get like, Bruce Willow started doing that towards the end. Bruce Willis at the end started doing that.

[B]

Did he?

[A]

Yeah, just movies that were just like two words or something.

[B]

Well, I think he was suffering from that illness for quite a while. You know what it is? It's called aphasia.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. It's dementia. Right.

[B]

It's not good. Yeah, it's bad. It's real bad. I don't know what causes it, whether it's genetic or what have you, but people, they slip away. And he might have. You know, towards the end, I mean.

[A]

He just goes, this guy, he's got.

[B]

A lot of them. They're all him with a gun. With a gun. And here's the thing that him with a gun started later in his life. Yeah, that's what's crazy. He became like a guy who. People up in his 60s.

[A]

Yeah, he was.

[B]

How old is he now? He's 72. And he's fucking people up in movies.

[A]

Oscar. Schindler. Schindler's List, bro.

[B]

When you're 72, it's hard to get out of bed, you know?

[A]

You're like, oh, when I saw Schindler's List, it made me think of, now I give the prices of everything and amount of Jews I could have saved. Like, how much is this TV? It's about 12 Jews.

[B]

It's. What was that you just pulled up, Jamie? You were showing me remaking the Naked Gun. They are with Liam Neeson. Yes. I don't know. Well, there's a few movies that they've. People have gotten a few AI Things passed through and everyone takes as real. Like, I've seen it. Oh, right.

[A]

I believe those every day.

[B]

Yeah. I saw Keanu Reeves as Dracula and I was like, really? Right in, like, Keanu Reeves is going to be Dracula now. That's crazy, because he was in the Dracula movie back in the day and he was Dracula's girlfriend's boyfriend.

[A]

They always get me with like a Rob Zombie's remaking something you love. They're always listening. Have you had him on?

[B]

Yeah. He was a cool guy to talk to.

[A]

He was. I toured with him. I've met him a handful of times. He's good friends with Tom Papa. We've been introduced in that regard. And whenever I see him, it's the blank of like, nope. I went on stage right before him the entire tour and he has no recollection one time. This is a great story. I was we had tickets to go or passes to go see Rob Zombie's. I think it was the Halloween. The original Halloween remake he did.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And comedian Julian McCullough had these passes. Four of us. It was gonna be me, Nate Bargazzi. I'm trying to remember Dave Smith. Yeah, it was Dave Smith and Julian McCullough. And I'd auditioned for a TV show the morning of that, and it was the first audition I ever did that it went well, Went really well. And I got it. I got the part. It was at the show, was on for two years called Z Rock. But they go, this is how much acting is not my passion, or something like that. They go, we need you to come back in at like four for a table read we're gonna do. And all I thought was, I was like, shit, that Rob Zombie movie starts at like 6:00. I'm like, how long are we gonna be here for? They're like, only big. An hour or so. If. When you get back here. And it was going. It was running late when we got back there. So I told Nate Bargazzi to go. I'm like, hey, go down there and get in line, you know, to make sure we get into this thing. I don't know if they're overselling it or not. And he goes, all right. So I get out of this thing and I'm rushing down. We're walking to this movie theater, and I call Nate. This is so defeating. I go, hey, you're down there. He goes, I don't know if I'm at the right theater. And I went, what do you mean? He goes, I mean, there's a big line for something. And I was like, go get in that line, Nate. And he was like, oh, that's it. So we get there, we're so far back in line, there's no way we're getting into this movie. And I'm like, shit, Julian's very handsome. So we sent him up to kind of schmooze the girl up front. No dice. And then I see Rob Zombie walk into the diner next door. And I go, this might be our chance. We just are loosely connected and, you know, maybe I can get him to remember. And we go in there. It's my best interaction with him ever. I go up, I go, hey, Rob. I go, jay Okerson. I go, we met through Tom Papa before and Bob. And he's like, oh, yeah. And he shoots the shit with us for, like, five minutes. And then I go, well, anyway, man, I'm really excited for the movie. I hope we get in. You know, we're like super far back in line. He goes, you'll be fine. Just. Oh, no. And we did not get in. Rode a hot subway home together, staring at Nate.

[B]

Oh, no, be fine.

[A]

Yeah. He goes, now you'll be fine.

[B]

You'll be fine. As I'm not going to help you.

[A]

Yeah, it really wasn't. Flat out. He goes, this has been great, but leave me alone now.

[B]

The thing about it though is like, does he save tickets? Like, does he have a block of tickets saved?

[A]

For sure, for sure.

[B]

Not for the guy at the diner, though.

[A]

There's some people you just don't resonate with in the world, I think. I don't know. Dave Chappelle's another one. Dave Chappelle I've met over the last 25 years a dozen times. I did some punch ups on season one of Chappelle's show. He bumped me and Kurt Metzger off a weekend in the thing. And we. But we were there and we hung out with him there. And every time I see him still, it's completely unfamiliar. Chris Rock, same thing. I do not make an impression with these people.

[B]

That's so weird.

[A]

I also shut down around celebrity.

[B]

Oh, maybe that's it.

[A]

So I'm not. I can't inject my personality out of the gates in a situation where I'm like, intimidated by like some. I'm like, I'm like. Where I go. Not intimidated, but I go, man, I really want them to like me.

[B]

Isn't that weird? Because, you know so many famous people.

[A]

But, but, you know, I mean, by wanting to like, not like me, but I go, if I try to be funny and I whiff, right? This sucks.

[B]

You just feel nervous, right?

[A]

So I'm like, I could just lay low and not take the risk of being not funny by accident.

[B]

That's hilarious. It's hard to think there's no one.

[A]

Who intimidates you anymore. I mean, the people you have in here and just strike a conversation with is unbelievable.

[B]

No, people don't intimidate me anymore. They inspire me. Some people are fascinating. They inspire me.

[A]

Every time I have like a big guest coming in that I don't know on me and Bobby Kelly on the radio show and someone's coming in, I get like. When they're like, all right, we're gonna go get them now. I'm always like, wait, all right, wait, okay, go get em. Cause I'm like, shit, what do we even start with?

[B]

I used to be like that on Opie and Anthony.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. When I go on Opie and Anthony and, like, they'd have famous guests there, I'd be like, holy. You know, that's this guy. Oh, that's that guy.

[A]

Yeah. That's weird. The first time I went there, I got bumped back to the couch for Ace Freely. Part of you is like, this sucks, but, wow, it's. He's fucking free.

[B]

I met Ace Freely when I was a little kid.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. My uncle was an artist, and he was working for this advertising agency in New York City where they made album covers. So they made album covers for Kiss. So my uncle was one of the artists that made the album covers for a lot of the Kiss albums.

[A]

No shit.

[B]

Yeah. So I was in his office hanging out with him during the day. I was probably 8 or something like that. I was fucking young, man. And maybe I was a little older than that. I can't remember. It's hard to remember, but I was a little kid. It was pre high school. And this guy walks in, was like, you know, long hair, looks weird, just like a weird dude. And he made some, like, weird noise, like it was real strange. And then everybody goes, hey, Ace. Hey, Ace. And I was like, what? Like, that's. That's Ace Freely with no makeup on. Like, this is crazy. And he signed a napkin for me.

[A]

Do you have it?

[B]

Yeah. Well, no, I don't think I have it anymore. Maybe my mom might have it. I'll ask her. I doubt it. It got lost somewhere. But it was the craziest thing. I was like, wow, that's the famous guy with no makeup. Because everywhere they went, they were people. Paparazzi were always trying to catch them. You know, like, Gene Simmons would wear, like, a bandit's mask.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they were always trying to catch them without their makeup on.

[A]

Has a celebrity ever let you down, like, when you met them?

[B]

Not really.

[A]

No.

[B]

Honestly, no. No, there's not like, no, no.

[A]

I've always worried about that. Like, Marilyn Manson was always somebody I wanted to meet. And then when he went through all this, did not want to meet, so stay away. But then I want to. Like, I very much would like to. I think he's such an interesting character, but, like, I'm like, you can. Oh, I'm such a fan since I was a kid that I'm like, this could only let me down somehow.

[B]

I met him. He's very interesting. He's an artist.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

He's a. You know, if you think of some of the songs, he's me, like, Beautiful people. You don't make that unless you're out of your mind. Like that's part of the. That's part of the package. You want brilliant fucking wild music, you got to get a dude who's out of his fucking mind.

[A]

Do you have any theories on why people can't like classic amazing bands can't make a classic again? Comedians can still write their best joke and it will be accepted. Everyone's looking for that. What's the new thing? But like if Guns n Roses got everybody back together again and sat in the room for three months, they can't make welcome to the Jungle again.

[B]

They're not the same guys. You know, that's part of the problem. And then also part of the problem is I went to see Guns N Roses in Athens. I saw him in Greece. It was just a total coincidence. I was there with my family and I ran into Axl Rose at a restaurant.

[A]

This is more recent, real recent. Okay.

[B]

Last summer or. Yeah, like last summer. The summer before last. Summer before last, I guess. And you know, it's one of those weird moments. God, I hope he knows who I am. You know what I mean? Go say hi. I'm going to be a dick. And this is after my friend tried to say hi to him and he got shooed away.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

So I went over to his table and he was like, oh, hey man, what's up? I was really nice to meet you. I'm a huge fan this night because we're doing a concert here tomorrow night. You want to see him? Like, yeah. And so my whole family went to see Guns Rose. We were backstage watch. It was amazing. Three hour performance. These guys are in their 60s.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They're rocking hard.

[A]

I saw them on the new tour, three hours.

[B]

But the thing is they have so many hits. If, if you want them to do all the, the songs you love, it's going to take a long time. And if they're going to add new.

[A]

Songs, isn't it crazy too that it's essentially four albums?

[B]

Crazy.

[A]

All that from four albums?

[B]

Bangers.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, they did great. I was pretty impressed with from even Again the Age.

[B]

Dude, welcome to the Jungle. To this day I'll hear that song go, God damn. That was a fucking good song.

[A]

I took my parents to see it in Madison Square Garden and it was such a weird. I got so strange. The things I get emotional about are ridiculous. I got like teary eyed emotional. When it starts, welcome to the Jungle, you know, they start playing the riff and I got immediately teary eyed. Because I was like. It just took me back immediately to a time. It was like a time travel. And I was like, holy. I'm like 11, 12 years old. Got this album. And my mom was like, what is that shit? You know? And now my mom's, like, here with me watching them as a classic rock band.

[B]

What year did welcome to the jungle come out?

[A]

87. I want to say 86.

[B]

I remember being right out of high school at the gym, lifting weights. The first time I heard it, they were, you know, at the gym, everybody would just play what's on the radio, you know, wcoz. And you. We were listening to the. I think it was WBCN. The Rock of Boston. Appetite for destruction. 87. Yep. So that was two years out of high school. And I was like, wow, listen to this.

[A]

Do you know the first time I heard it and, like, kind of backwards tracked it from there, I think that came out. Pretty sure it came out first. Was the movie Deadpool.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Or the Deadpool. Clint Eastwood.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And the scene was Jim Pre famous. Jim Carrey plays a rock star junkie, and they're shooting his music video, and the song they're using is welcome to the Jungle.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. You can see it's a pretty popular scene if you look that up. Deadpool. The Deadpool. When Jim Carrey.

[B]

When did Motley Crue come out with Kickstart My heart?

[A]

That's probably 86.

[B]

That's. That was my favorite workout song of all time. Look at that.

[A]

Jim Carrey.

[B]

That's Jim Carrey.

[A]

Isn't it funny? Even though he's not being funny at all, he's still. It's like his movements are so Jim Carrey, Right?

[B]

But, like, again, you don't get to be Jim Carrey unless you're out of your fucking mind.

[A]

No, no, he's showing that now, too.

[B]

You know, you don't get to be that guy. You don't get to be Fire Marshal Bill unless you're out of your fucking mind.

[A]

I'll make a lot of concession for someone's process, but when I watch that documentary about him doing the Andy Kaufman movie and him coming into the makeup thing every day and really, like, screaming and bothering the shit out of everybody, you see, almost. You see Judd Hirsch's face in the documentary. Like, that's plenty. We're good. I get it. You have to get into your mode or whatever, but, like, come on.

[B]

Apparently he would go nutty if he fucked a scene up and, like, smash things.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. And it's like, this is not. That was not his personality when he was talking out of his ass cheeks, you know? I mean. Or when he was doing Vanilla Ice on In Living Color, you know, I mean, like, that's. What's that personality shift where you become a guy who's kind of, like, rude to interviewers and stuff like that? Like, strange.

[B]

Well, I think when you're trying to get into a character, there's like, a thing that the. Some of these guys do where they are just that guy the whole time. Like when. When Dan. Who was it that played Lincoln?

[A]

Daniel Day Lewis.

[B]

Daniel Day Lewis, right. Yeah. So when Danny Day Lewis was playing Lincoln, he was apparently Lincoln.

[A]

Yeah, they said all day, all day.

[B]

Long, all the time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So if you're playing.

[A]

You shouldn't let me. You shouldn't let him eat modern foods, then. That's catering, Right? Here's your mutton, Mr. Lincoln. Right.

[B]

You got to go full old school in a hole in the ground, sir.

[A]

We're having Chilean sea bass, a bowl.

[B]

Of gruel, some deer jerky. Yeah, like. And no teeth. No toothbrushes. Yeah, we haven't figured out toothbrushes yet. When do they figure out toothbrushes? That's a good question. Like, when do people start brushing their nasty fucking teeth? Imagine what breath smelled like in, like, the 1500s.

[A]

My producer brings it up all the time because he watches a lot of, like, period P shows like that, and even, like, the, like, Peaky Blinders.

[B]

What?

[A]

Those old shows, they always. They always have, like, attractive people in these, like, the Deadwood times. Like that. And then the girl, you know, she'll, like, lift her skirt up, and you're like, God, I bet it smells like a fucking murky dungeon down there. And then when she bathe, and then all they. There's no shower, so they have to just bathe in it and just hope that whatever's in there washes to the surface.

[B]

What did people smell like back then?

[A]

That's what I mean. Like, prostitutes stuff. You go, it's like, what's the best they could do?

[B]

By the way, they probably smelled better than the people living in the cities. The people living in the cities were all just in public outhouses. The. The cities were filled with. From horses.

[A]

It's like, oh, coming home and kissing your wife at the end of the day is just the. You're.

[B]

You're tracking everywhere, and so is your dog, and so are your cats. Everyone's tracking all over your house, all over your tables. There's everywhere.

[A]

Yeah, just wooden floors with dirt all.

[B]

Over them and just little. Little scabs of everywhere. This is just everywhere you go. And everyone has smallpox.

[A]

That's why. Yeah. No one kid. And if your wife. If your husband died, you have to marry his brother.

[B]

That's why. Anybody talking about the good old days? Shut your stupid mouth. This is the good old days with basic hygiene. Yeah. Books and medicine and. What the are you talking about? Oh, I wish I lived back in the 1600s when I died. If I broke my ankle now.

[A]

But if I could have picked getting for the so hard because, like, moving backwards, you're like, well, I would take all the technology of now, of course.

[B]

Well, you can't go anywhere then. You can't make it like a hybrid deal.

[A]

No, no, it's not a hybrid deal. But if I was saying if I have to just let go of that and see what the most fun time would have been to. To be like a teenager in 20s, 70s, I think. Well, just listen to ambrosia fucking. You could wear a silk shirt unironically.

[B]

We were all real confused.

[A]

If you were chubby. Nobody even cared. Chubby guys got pussy in the 70s if he had a beard.

[B]

Did they?

[A]

As long as you had a beard and some long.

[B]

And you knew how to get cocaine.

[A]

Yeah. And if you know how to get cocaine, I grow a long pinky nail so people wouldn't know my house was the party spot.

[B]

Yeah. That used to be a thing. You see a guy with a long pinky. That long pinky nail was like, oh, that guy parties. That was like when there's a bad guy in the movie. At a long pinky nail. Yeah.

[A]

Which is so gross.

[B]

That's so disgusting. We think, what? What? That's how bad people want cocaine. They'll snort it off some dude's stinky fingernail.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I went to a. I did a gig opening for Bobby Slayton years ago at the West Palm Improv. The old West Palm Improv. And that was a great room. The guy. Yeah, the wide, shallow one. And I forget the name. It was Joey something. Was the guy who hosted. But he was like local. Local legend, this guy. And he brought us back to his. He was like. He took us to the strip club and it was like everyone knew him kind of thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then brought girls back to his house. And I am always impressed with the level of like, a person who carries their morbid obesity with like, a. Not give a shit and also have no give a. Like, no care that the girls are gonna suck his dick or fuck him because he's got coke. You know what I mean? Like, I'm bad at the, like, me for something thing. And, like. But this guy, we went back to his house. I mean, his underwear and, like, a robe open. Do you know what I mean? With all these girls around, just giving him coke and shit was wild. But he had a cabana in the back of his house. But the most interesting thing about him that I found out was the next day he wanted to take me somewhere to eat, so he picked me up. And he was a narcoleptic. And every time there was a red light, he'd fall asleep and snore. Not just fall asleep, snore.

[B]

And he's driving.

[A]

Yeah. And you have to acknowledge it. You gotta go like, hey, man.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Hey, you okay? You just never acknowledge it. You go, yeah, yeah, I'm good. And he's going. As soon as he hit a red light, like, loud, aggressive snoring.

[B]

Now, is he narcoleptic, or does he have severe sleep apnea? Because if he's a big fat guy, he's probably never rested.

[A]

Eyes closed, head goes in the shoulder cold.

[B]

Instantly.

[A]

Instantly.

[B]

What is narcolepsy from? Like, do, like, healthy people have narcolepsy? Like, is there any athletes that have narcolepsy?

[A]

Is it. Ron Jeremy was a person who had.

[B]

It, and he's another guy's big and fat.

[A]

Yeah, he was. He came to the Cellar one time with a Dennis Hoff guy, which. Yeah, that was a guy of the people, like, quote, unquote, celebrities who would come in that I could never pay like, homage to and have, like. The thing was, I didn't want to meet was like a Dennis Hoff the Bunny House. Yeah. I don't know why it was so celebrated. I know it's like, it's legal, but, like, we still don't see his personality as kind of skeevy as shit.

[B]

Well, there was a weird time where for whatever reason, they were kind of celebrating pimps and prostitutes. Like, do you remember Pimps Up, Hose Down?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, that was like a famous dog. Mr. White Folks.

[A]

Yeah, he was the best. Yeah, I watched all those.

[B]

But they were, like, celebrated, like, people liked. And then there was American Pimp. Remember that film?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. No, it was. Well, that was like the. This small window of, like, pro sexuality and Go be whores, girls. And then it immediately became me, too.

[B]

But that happened immediately, though, because it was the exploiters of those women. It wasn't like, it's okay to be a prostitute. It was it's cool to be the man who exploits all these women and gets them to go be prostitutes for him.

[A]

I think it took 20 some years for people to realize that Joe Francis was a terrible guy. You know, I mean, he was celebrated as. As hell. I just heard a Howard Stern clip the other day. We had Joe Francis on. I'm sure if you asked him about Joe Francis now, he'd be like, what a terrible piece of. But when Girls Gone Wild was a thing, everyone was just like, who cares how it gets done? Yeah.

[B]

That's crazy, right? Like Girls Gone. That's how the. When the Internet wasn't around, you could buy tapes of drunk girls at the bar flashing their boobs and pay for it.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

You'd pay for it?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it had like a production value.

[A]

Oh, not only would you pay, you'd pay for it. And then you were part of a subscription service that.

[B]

Is that what it was?

[A]

Yeah. And then every month it would be like, Girls Gone Wild. Girls on campus too. And girls covered in bubbles.

[B]

Was it one of those things where they trick you into subscribing?

[A]

Yeah, it's Columbia House.

[B]

Like, oh, Columbia House for titties.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Crazy.

[A]

Oh, I've ruined Columbia House and me have ruined the credit of my. All my pets in my life.

[B]

Did they get in your credit? Columbia House got in your credit?

[A]

No, no, I'm saying you just put. You send the penny and you put. You put your cat's name down and then they just send you 10 CDs.

[B]

But it doesn't ever really.

[A]

What was the checks and balances on that?

[B]

None. I always thought that that was a fluff up scheme for the record business where they could say they sold more records than they did.

[A]

That's possible. That's actually not a bad move.

[B]

Kind of a good move. If you want to get a gold record or a platinum record, sell as many as you can.

[A]

Give me 10c. When it went up to a dollar, send a dollar is where it stopped.

[B]

But a dollar, willing to give you a penny.

[A]

Yeah. To me, a dollar really was like, no, I just usually tape a penny to a postcard. What a concept. Too tape penny here.

[B]

It said it was the dumbest concept ever. You give them one penny, and if you give them one penny, they give you a bunch of CDs and you're supposed to give them money. You're like, what? You get to pick them? Oh, yeah.

[A]

You pick your first tip.

[B]

Acdc.

[A]

It was my taking. It was my. Before I had porn magazines readily available to Go into a bathroom or anywhere where there was a bathroom where I felt I could quietly look at porn magazines. It was the TV Guide. Take the TV Guide in the bathroom, do the crossword puzzle and Then pick my 10 CDs for a penny. Because it was always an insert on the TV Guide.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

It was the postcard.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Tape penny here, and you send it.

[B]

In and all sudden you get. Cassette tapes are in the mail. Oh, boy. Yeah, oh, boy.

[A]

It was so great.

[B]

But isn't it a smart move on their part? Because it probably introduced people to a lot of music. Because if you think about it, you're only listening to the radio. The radio is only playing what they play. And they can only play so many songs, right? And if there's a hit, they're gonna play that hit over and over again. You can hear this. And there's Rolling Stones, there's the Led Zeppelin. You know, you don't. A lot of time for other music.

[A]

No.

[B]

So this is a good way. Even if you're giving it away to people, which mostly are like, what percentage. Let's find this out. What percentage of people actually paid for their Columbia recorded tapes?

[A]

I think adults would definitely end up paying for it because I think the deal was you're giving them your address, right? So whatever the fake name you put down, they're billing.

[B]

I don't remember them chasing me at all.

[A]

I didn't feel it. But they have. But what they would do though, is send you more. And they would send you, like, I'd get like a CD every month that I wasn't picking.

[B]

Year 90, it reached its peak in 94. It accounted for 15.1% of all CD sales. Yeah. At 10 million members, you became a member of a club. That was kind of what was happening, Right. What percentage people paid them?

[A]

Well, that's.

[B]

I mean, it doesn't say it on here, but if you think about just that, that's almost like more radio, Right. You're putting the song on the radio for free. You're sending out these cassettes. Even if people don't pay, that music's getting out there. They're gonna maybe buy another Rolling Stones record or tickets to see the Rolling Stones.

[A]

Well, you wouldn't complain about being part of Columbia House. I don't feel like. But it's like, remember when, you know, I was like Metallica getting furious about like Limewire and Napster and those things. But it's like. It is sort of the same thing. Like you're sacrifice, but.

[B]

But it Wasn't.

[A]

But they came from a time, though, where the money was from the recording.

[B]

But it wasn't taking away from the money of the recording because you couldn't, you know, like, it wasn't that many people doing it. When it became something you could just download onto your computer, that got weird.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

And then record sales dropped off a cliff. So they were right in the. But they were wrong that you can stop it. Like, you can't. You couldn't stop right once. Like, they were trying to, like, put fingers into a broken dam. There's no way, like, you got to get the buck out of the way. Like, you can't. Once it's on the Internet. When things are on the Internet, you can't say it's stealing to download it to your fans. You can't do anything. You just got to realize, oh, the world just changed.

[A]

The people stay that stand off for a while, too. Like, was it. Maynard did not want to go on Apple Music or Spotify or anything forever.

[B]

I think Garth Brooks didn't either. Right.

[A]

Kid Rock didn't for a long time. And then a lot of them would try to go and, like, I'm gonna do my own Apple Music.

[B]

Did that, right?

[A]

Yeah. Title.

[B]

Did that work?

[A]

I don't. You know, it's interesting, when I talked to Kevin Hart in Montreal some years back, and he was buying up. He was buying up things for the LOL network that he was starting, which was like, I guess an Internet network. And they made all this news because when he did the pitch show where they were pitching ideas for his network, he apparently in the room bought like four or five of them. And when I saw him that night, I was like, were these five. Five shows you saw today? They were like, definite shows. And he was like, no, but it gets your press. You know what I mean? He was telling me kind of like the whole thing of it. He goes, but the idea of he was saying he was doing with that, I'm like, are you gonna run a network now? And he was like, no, you want to build it until it becomes competitive. And then another company comes along, goes, can we give you money just to go away? Is the idea, you know? So it's like, the idea is that he wants, like, Netflix to buy.

[B]

Oh, how weird.

[A]

Lol or something like that.

[B]

So it's just probably a good business move. But I don't.

[A]

No, absolutely. But I think.

[B]

Do you think, like, that I have.

[A]

No business acumen whatsoever.

[B]

Yeah, that's a weird business acumen to have.

[A]

But I'm Also.

[B]

But probably effective.

[A]

I'm, you know, blown away by. You know, I watch you when you talk to Bert sometimes about that, about his, like, employment of so many people.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And everything. Like, which is great. He's got a great thing over there. But, like, production company. I feel like the. When you get a lot of money sometimes, which is impressive that you haven't done this, it's like you want to do almost, like, too much. Like, well, now I'm a producer of things, and now it's like this. Or other businesses that you want to, like, start that are outside of comedy. Like, is that what your thing was always? Like, it was never mine. Like, to be, like, a business owner or anything or some kind of, like, you know, where I was, have products or something.

[B]

I think what happens is once guys realize the amount of money that they can make, they want to just make more.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

And it just becomes a numbers thing. You just. You see it and you're like, oh, my God, I can't believe I'm making this much money. But if I did this, then I make even more.

[A]

But I'd rather give a friend, like, some capital to, like, do their special than over, you know, I mean, unless I was taking a job in it, I go, I'm gonna direct this and see if I can do that, you know? But just, like, the idea of, like, I'm taking in, like, I have to take a meeting for a sketch show that wants to be on my network today, I'm like, I don't know.

[B]

You only have so much bandwidth.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

And this is what I think people fail to think about. Like, you. You. You require time to do everything.

[A]

Your.

[B]

Your time is limited. Like, you really have to think if you, oh, I could fit it in. Oh, I could do this. Oh, I could do that. Sure you can. But then there's no you time at all. And then you're running on fumes. And when there's no you time and you run on fumes, you're not the best version of yourself. So you got to know, like, where you're at. You got to know where you're at, like, in terms of, like, your. Your sanity. Like, if you're working all the time, five different jobs constantly, and you're never home, you sleep till seven in the morning, and then you're up, gone all day, and going, going, going, going, going, going, going. You don't have alone time. If you don't have alone time, you don't even know how you feel about things.

[A]

But you also get used to odd things. Like, my alone time I look at is, like, the hotel, like, the hotel room, just watching the bullshit that I want to watch on YouTube and doing anything. It is strange when I think I want to be, like, off and, like, stationary for a while. Like, I feel like the day. There's, like, a day here and there where it's, like, morning till night. I just have nothing I have to do. It's rare. But when it happens that day, I tend to not be in a great mood. I don't know why.

[B]

Well, it's because what you do, you love. And it's fun. That's the thing. Like, if you're doing something all day long and it's just, like, business stuff, and it's just for money, and it's not something you love. That's a different vibe, Right. That's like a hustle vibe. I'm gonna get these. Get these numbers up and get this going. And I'm a. I'm a worker, and I'm gonna grinder. I'm gonna show you. Because, look, I got this now and then I got that now. See, I'm grinding. But as if it's a virtue, I always try to say, this is a very important thing that people need to hear. Just because it's hard to do doesn't mean it's good to do. There's a lot of things that are hard to do that you don't necessarily want to do. I don't want to climb Mount Everest. It's hard to do, but doesn't mean it's good to do. It might be good to do for you, because you need to prove to yourself that you can do this extremely difficult thing. But people are dead. There's a bunch of dead bodies up there. That's not a good thing to do.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To me, in my opinion, there's a lot of stuff like that in life. And just because you can do things, I'll show everybody that I work harder than everybody else. Like, maybe you shouldn't.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Like, you need balance. You need balance in this life, and that's hard to get. Once you start. When you start making money, the big fear is, what if it all goes away?

[A]

100.

[B]

You start. You start clutching, you start. You start having famine instincts. Like, yeah, oh, my God. What if it all goes away? So then you start doing things that you think will ensure that it doesn't go away.

[A]

Well, it's that feeling. If you feel like you're running a scam.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Because also, it's something especially with Stand up. Putting a price on things is so strange when you're like, well, I've done it for. More than anything. I've done it for free.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then second most, I've done it for pennies, you know, I mean, so it's like the same. It's interesting to be like, well, I've done the same job for $50 that I've done for a hundred thousand dollars. You know, I mean, like, it's strange. Like it's a strange place to be. And so.

[B]

But it's because.

[A]

And you do feel like, well, what's it gonna take until I'm back to like, you know, hey, you want to come do a hundred dollar? I still get affected and it's just young comics being young comics. I don't mind it, but like, as long as I've been doing it, I know they just want you to come do their show. But they're like, hey, man, I do it Tuesdays at the, you know, at the stand at 6pm Like, Loveycon, Buck can throw you 100 bucks and stuff like that. You're like, why do you think I'm gonna come to.

[B]

It's like.

[A]

And why are you naming the money? Like, if you just let me do the show, I'd be less hurt if you were like, I got a hundred bucks for you too. Like, great. Like, that feels weird.

[B]

They're kids, right? Yeah, right. And when you're a kid, 100 bucks is real. So it's real to him.

[A]

Oh, shit. And so I've done for a hundred bucks.

[B]

Yeah. So it's like real money. It's like, oh, a hundred dollar gig in town. Great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so he doesn't know any better yet.

[A]

No, no. For sure. And like I said, I'm not insulted they want you on the show. That's great. It's just the idea that you're like, $100 isn't gonna sell me. Dude, don't say that.

[B]

Well, I think he's just letting you know he'll give you something and.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Oh, great. I'll go down there.

[A]

No, I say. I mean, I never write back. Like, I mean, that would be. I'm not like that with young comics, though, at all. I'm so bad at, like, it's my. The tough time I have with Kill Tony. I love doing it and I always have a great time. But, like, the initial, like, just going at somebody, like, I feel like I want to, especially if I want to come out of the gates and make fun of them. I almost have to have the look over of like. Like, I'm just around.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's like. I know. It's so difficult, what you're doing right now. A minute of comedy under the stress of how big that show is now.

[B]

And for some of them, it's the first time they've ever gone on stage. There were some guys, the first time they ever went on stage, they went on stage in Madison Square Garden.

[A]

Yeah. That's crazy.

[B]

16,000 people. And they followed Dice. Like, what? What are you talking about?

[A]

Got. Look at your phone for notes. Hang on.

[B]

Madison Square Garden, you barely can get to the 1 minute mark. What you practice in the mirror is just. Everything's falling apart.

[A]

Oh, yeah. The running out of time, that was the funniest. Like, well, this is three minutes of material or 30 seconds if it doesn't go the way I think.

[B]

Cricket. Cricket. Jesus. Panic.

[A]

Isn't that the biggest. To me, I felt like the biggest milestone in comedy. The action of it, I mean, was not being afraid of quiet. Like, the crowd being dead silent. Even if I said something that I thought was funny, and they're still dead silent. And that not being, like, frazzling, you know, I don't get shaken by that.

[B]

That's confidence from a lot of big sets. A lot of sets where you killed. So you're like, I know, I'm good.

[A]

That's what it is. It has to believe. I think it's like, I haven't. It's also like, I haven't conveyed it right then.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, it's me, probably, but, like, they're not just getting what I'm thinking. If they. If they just saw my thoughts right now, they'd get how funny this is.

[B]

Well, here's the thing, too. The. You know, you're gonna run into a jazz crowd every now and then, you know?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Like, when you go to see music, you go to see a band, you go to see rock and roll. You go to whatever club you're gonna go. You go to the Whiskey, It's a rock band. Yeah, we know. We're gonna go see this blues guy. We're no good. We're gonna see a country guy. You go see comedy, you could get Taylor Swift, you could get AC dc, You get anything. You can get all kinds of shit. You can get the Pixies, you can get all kinds of shit. When you go see comedy, it's. There's so many different styles to call it. One thing is. And you could. You could be a rock and roll guy, and you're on stage in front of a jazz crowd. Oh, yeah, and they don't want your. They don't like how loud you're being. Why are you moving so much? No, it's what we're here to snicker.

[A]

You know, I. I stopped putting in at one point for the. The small room at the stand when I was in town for the weekends. Because. And this is no fault of theirs, I know they're just booking me because I'm home and they want me on the shows that I can do, but they would put those shows, they would book the, like, the TikTok, like celebrity girls, like girl comics that were brand new in comedy but drew the audience and they would. And they're also young enough in comedy that they're posting their spots. Oh, my God, you know what I mean? Like, if you want to see, my schedule is like here, so the room's filling up for them. And I go up. I mean, the second I get on stage, you'd see the face and groans of like, just like, a man's gonna come. What? Lay it out now. And I would even try to play with that idea. Do you know what I mean? Like, explain what's going on in the room. And they would just. And then my last one ever doing up there, there was an Asian girl in the front row that I was fucking with, like going back and forth with her. But she was great. She was like into it. She was laughing and she was busting balls back a little bit, which was fine, you know, showed me she was kind of like, like playing around with it. And then I see another girl, you know, 22 years old or whatever, 23, going into her phone. And I was like, oh, I lost you already. I go, I lost you. And she goes, maybe it has something to do with the Asian girl thing. And I was like, what? He goes, you called her Asian girl? I was like, wait, but she's fine. I go, are you. You're getting upset on her behalf? And she's fine. And she was like, yeah. And I was like, that's retarded. And then a lady in the back of the room stood up. Lady, a girl. And literally clutched her jacket together and went, you just said the R word. And I went, the manager was in the room and I was like, you take me off the schedule for the rest of this weekend up here. I go, I'm not even mad at this crowd. I'm like, you have to give this crowd what they want. If you put on a three week open mic gay comic up here, right now he'd murder. Like, read the room of what you're booking. You know what I mean? It's like, you have to see what's happening. It's like, you're putting me up there. This isn't fun for me. And it's not fair to that. Like. Right. They've been sold a show. That's not what I do.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So I don't have any kind of, like, gripe on them. Just like, don't put me on those shows.

[B]

Yeah, you shouldn't be on that show.

[A]

You're fucking up. Your. Your audience is actually gonna like the club less because they think I'm the piece of shit that's always here.

[B]

But then there's another argument where you gotta kind of do all kinds of crowds. Because if you only do your own crowd, like, one of the things that happens to guys is they start doing theaters and they do real well, and then they bring a lame opening act, and then they're only playing to their crowd.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And you see the drop off. You see this, like, weird creativity drop off. You see the weird impact. They're not killing as hard. Everything's a little fake and forced. And it's. It's pretty noticeable. And normal. It's like, normal. It happens a lot. If you're not doing clubs.

[A]

Well, I was gonna say, if you're in theaters, you're removed from the audience.

[B]

You gotta mix it up. You have to be doing little. Little room. Sometimes I think it's like if you're an athlete, you have to lift weights. You know what I mean? I think there's. There's something to that.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I like to go do crowds that aren't my crowds plenty. You know what I mean?

[B]

I mean, but I mean, just different sizes too, right?

[A]

Oh, yeah, without a doubt.

[B]

Yeah. Sometimes, like, one of the great things about the store was, like, you could come in there on an off night, like a Tuesday night, and do like a 1am set. And when you're doing a 1am set, there's like 25 people in the room. And you. You just like the. And they've seen everything. They've seen five hours of standup. They came from Kansas. They've seen five hours of comedy, and most of the audience is gone.

[A]

It's a shame. From a comics perspective, I know from a business perspective, it's great. But, like, the comedy seller, like, it's funny for people to not even know anymore or remember. There was a time when I got into the comedy Cellar. There was still. When you went on at 2 o'clock in the morning. There could be 15 people in the audience. Now it's show lets people out. Another show, another show. So it's like, it's always sold out and packed. But, like, there was something to that. That was kind of like, that was the training ground. I go up after Dave Attell almost every night of the week in front of 15 people was like, that was great training. You do need that for sure. And I still need that. It's not so much that or just saying, I said, take me out of that room. Because it's always this audience and it's just like you're putting them through a thing. They don't need to be put through.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I'll go downstairs. Downstairs isn't my audience either. I'm just like, just put me in the room where it's not been sold as this one thing.

[B]

Right. Well, that's, that's the problem with, like, some clubs that have restrictions on what you could say on the stage. Like, why? No, no, no, you just can't book this guy.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Like, there's a club. Where is it? And is it in Portland or Seattle or some club that these guys got to. Duncan got to, and he sent me a photo of a list of all the things that you can't talk about. We don't tolerate at this club. We don't tolerate racism, sexism, transphobia.

[A]

Like, okay, I wonder if it's the one that, like, I don't know what it is.

[B]

We don't probably. Don't even say. Need to say the name.

[A]

Oh, I don't know the name of people in trouble. I don't know the name of the place. But there was a.

[B]

But just don't book people, you know what the fuck they do. And don't book anybody that's not you. If you have a specific crowd you're trying to cater to, that's your prerogative. No problem with that.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Just book the comedians that fit. Don't. Don't, like, have a list of shit someone can't say once they get there.

[A]

Like crazy. Assume that if you're booking somebody, though, that you'd have to put those rules for. It's like, you have to, like, I always like that thing. It's like, trust the comic to be like a professional. Not that they'll always come through in that regard, but, like, you know, you could put. You can put me on stage anywhere and assume it's not gonna end with me being in a. Fuck you. Fuck you with the Audience. I mean, like, we'll get out of it.

[B]

Right?

[A]

You'll have relatively pleasant.

[B]

Well, you're a guy that's very flexible on stage, which is just a huge benefit. You can always fuck around with people and engage with the crowd. Like, you're so good at it. You're one of the best in the business at it, for sure.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

You're really good at it. But it's also fun and jovial. You know, how to tie it all together. That's a giant skill if you're doing a bunch of different kinds of rooms and different kinds of places. But when. When a club owner or someone says that you can't breach certain topics because that's what you're saying. If you're saying we don't tolerate racism, listen, I don't either. But that's not what jokes are. And there's a way to touch on race that a super ultra sensitive person would say is. And another person who's more objective would say, no, this is just making fun of the differences we all have and how crazy it is that we would think that any one is superior to the others. There's ways to do that and to say that, you know, that's racism. We don't tolerate racism. Like, well, what did you. What do you call it? So you can't just define what the. You can't define hate speech because that's your definition. You force me to go with your definition.

[A]

Yeah. It can't be opinion based.

[B]

It can't. So you just gotta let people speak freely and then you decide who you book or don't book, but know what the fuck they do. That's part of your job. Part of your job as someone who books a fucking theater is okay. If you have the theater, you own the theater. You don't want anybody performing that doesn't meet your expectations. That's great.

[A]

One of the funniest things is I'm always blown away by. Is the people in the audience who are hating the show. Which is fine. That happens. You know, some people come, they didn't know what they were coming into. Sure.

[B]

Girlfriends get dragged.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Cast fan.

[A]

Which I also tend to like, take their side. If I see that happening. I try to do that. I'm like, why did he make you come to. You know, why do you put you through this kind of thing? Is. Is how I will usually approach that. But when you see those faces, when they. If someone like that gets shitty and stuff, it's fun. I'm always surprised how aggressive they are. When they realize, like they're the, the minority.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You know, I mean, it's like, I don't know. Because you're. You suck and you're not funny. It's such a funny thing to shift how much you can make that person an enemy of the room by just going. She's saying all of you are stupid as shit because you're laughing at it. Then just. They'll hate her for you.

[B]

Well, there's always going to be a you suck and you're not funny person in the world.

[A]

Yeah, well, that's a skill you have to get. That poor girl. That poor girl that had the video of her skits and out on the guy in the audience.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that was, that was unfortunate.

[A]

People piled on on her, which was actually fucked up. Well, she was getting like, death threatening. Why would you death threaten someone who had a bad time on stage? It seems weird, but she. But again, that's the, that's the situation of getting an audience before you're ready to handle all situations. Because the, the thing about that was the heckle on that video is. I mean, Heckling 101, like, the thing you should be able to handle is someone going, you're not funny. I'm funny. You want me to tell the joke? Like, give me the microphone. This is all, like I said, these are the lobs they throw you at pitching practice. You know, the batting practice to fucking do crowd work.

[B]

It's day one of karate.

[A]

Yeah. It's like they're saying, you suck and you're not funny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Come on. You know, right away you could see him. He's right in the front.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, you could pick him apart visually or ask him a few questions, make him look dumb. There's just ways to. But she wasn't composed because she was leaning into that with like. Well, I got this whole crowd behind me, but it just looks like a lunatic. When she put it out into the world. Everyone's like, you're crazy. And this crowd.

[B]

She put it out herself.

[A]

Yes. That's the only reason I thought it was fair to talk about it at all.

[B]

Yeah, well, you know, if it was.

[A]

Someone filming her and being like, look at this dumb bitch or something, I would be. I don't know if I would have went at it because I'd be like. If I talked about it, I would be like, it's fucked up that somebody did that. Like, you're posting her fucking. Although that said, I mean, I've watched Pablo Francisco fall off stage 7,000 times. What's that? What's that, sir? What's that?

[B]

Yeah, I've seen that too. Poor Pablo. Funny dude, though. Funny. Yeah, man. The thing about that girl is, like, she ran into all of the. You, you're not funny people in the world, right? See, if you have a crowd of 200 people and you got one, fuck you, you're not funny girl. Girl, that's one thing. But if you scale that out to the entire Internet, that is so many you, you're not funny people. And those are the ones that go to comment. You know, there's plenty of people that saw that video, like you and me, who were like, oh, God. But you didn't comment.

[A]

No.

[B]

So who's commenting? The. You. You're not funny people.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So when there's 30 million people seeing a video, you're going to get 13,000 plus. Fuck you, you're not funny people who post constantly. No, they're just gonna post 10, 15 times. They're gonna be arguing with people in the comments, telling you how you should kill yourself. Yeah, yeah, you gotta hide. You can't. And most people don't. Most people go online and they read all the things like, oh, my God, what are they saying about me? You gotta just get offline.

[A]

Well, then there was another, I think an Asian girl doing an open mic who. They had a video her, like, throwing around and smashing stuff.

[B]

Well, she's fighting the patriarchy, so let her, let her lash out.

[A]

But just. I almost wonder, remember, that was the fear. They were like, people try to create viral moments. So heckling will become like. People go to comedy clubs like, I'm in a heckle and make a moment. Yeah, it's also a thing about, like, comics that are just trying to find a, like a lose their shit moment on stage also, you know, I mean, like, so, yeah, we're like, look at. Not even for a thing, not trying to not keep it funny, but like, let me, let me go viral. Go at somebody, like, really hard, you know? I mean.

[B]

Yeah, well, also some people are just socially and they think they're really good at it and they're just not. They're not really good at communicating. They think they are and then they're screaming at the.

[A]

Fake anger is hilarious.

[B]

Fake anger is the best.

[A]

Especially when it's a joke that's been told for like 10 years and you're like, you can't be pissed about this.

[B]

You know what the craziest viral moment was ever in comedy? Heather McDonald making jokes about vaccines and then blacking out blacking out and banging her head. I only say this because she's okay, but I think she cracked her skull. I think she fractured her skull. I mean, her head fucking bounces off that hard stage. And it looked to the audience like this was like a prat fall. Oh, yeah, this is a part of the bit. The timing was so good that it looked like a bit.

[A]

Yeah. She was talking about.

[B]

And then they were like, oh. Oh, my God. She really did just black out.

[A]

Yeah. They almost laughed for a second, like, okay, Heather, that's plenty. That's good.

[B]

Historians will study that video. They will not believe they might be proof of the simulation. That video might be proof of the simulation because it just doesn't make sense unless God has some amazing sense of humor. Some amazing sense of humor.

[A]

That's a good. My favorite. My favorite stage moment on is still that classic. This is before YouTube and stuff. The look of these biceps guy at the Boston Comedy Club. Did you ever see that one?

[B]

No.

[A]

What happened? It's an open mic. He's definitely. You find out through the video, he's getting heckled by a girl who also went on stage. But she did well. You know, she has her friends there, clearly, and so she did well. And this guy's just like. His comedy is all written. He came out of the gates, you know, when you kind of fake Alpha on stage right away.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

So he's just. He's got these jokes. It's like. One's like a racist joke he tells at one point. And it's just. His whole personality is just. He gives off a bad vibe for sure. So he sucks. And this girl in the audience sucks. And when he can't take any more of her heckling, he just goes. He says something about, you can't even get a girl. He goes, you think I can't get a girl? Look at these biceps. And it's so. It's such a break. And he means it. He mean, if you look up, look at these biceps, you'll find it pretty easy.

[B]

Imagine that's all it took.

[A]

So old. But this is the old Boston Comedy Club in the Village.

[B]

Oh, that's funny. That place was great.

[A]

That place was. Yeah.

[B]

This guy.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Oh, he looks crazy. I met a girl.

[A]

Look at my bicep. You think I can't meet a girl? Oh, my God.

[B]

Anyway, before I snap and start throwing.

[A]

Stools all over the place, I'm gonna leave. Thanks.

[B]

What year is that from? It looks like the 90s.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I found this just over 10 years old.

[A]

So it's. It's. It's. That looks late 90s.

[B]

Early Android phone.

[A]

Actually, no. No, actually, no, it wasn't. It was the 2000s because it was called Comedy Village at that point. Still, they changed the name. So it was the early 2000s.

[B]

So that's the old Boston comedy club. Wow. Dude, I was working in that place back when Neil Brennan was a door guy.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I became friends with Neil when he was a door guy. It's hilarious.

[A]

Kevin was already rolling. Kevin Brennan?

[B]

I don't know. I don't. Kevin Brennan was. Yeah, he was around then. I think he was already doing stand up.

[A]

Well, Kevin was the first one.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

To do stand up.

[B]

Oh, for sure. Yeah. He was definitely way before Neil and then Neil.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. That place was a great class. Where. The one first club I started, what a great little club that was, the Barry Katz. All the clients worked there. Were you a Barry Cats client ever?

[B]

No, never.

[A]

Steer clear.

[B]

I've been. No, I just been with the same manager since I was an open mic.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Back in Boston.

[B]

Well, he found me in Boston. He was a New York guy. That's why I moved to New York.

[A]

No. Yeah.

[B]

I wasn't even supposed to go on stage that night. Oh, so lucky, because I would have panicked and I would have choked. I didn't know he was in the room. I had no idea. So he had come. He was. He used to manage Bob Nelson. Remember Bob Nelson? Yeah.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

So Bob Nelson, it's Philly guy. I believe he became very Christian and he was going to have his. His Bible partner, his. His guy become his manager. He had this guy that they were brothers in Christ. And so Sussman was looking for new clients and he thought he saw everybody that he could see in New York at the time. And so he had a good friend that was taking a trip to Boston, and so he went with him and he said, I'm gonna, you know, set up some shows at some of these comedy clubs. So they had all the local Boston headliners, like big name guys from the town would all perform for him. And I was working, driving limos at the time. And while I was driving, I would come up with some of my best ideas sometimes because, you know, I didn't listen to the radio. Just drive. Because you couldn't listen to the radio where you had clients. And so some of my best ideas came from just driving around. I had this fucking idea. I'm like, oh, my God, I think this would work. And so I called up my Friend who was the manager. And I said, hey, dude, do you think I could get a guest spot tonight? And he's like, yeah, absolutely. So he hooks me up. I have no idea. I go downstairs. This guy who becomes my manager is walking out of the room to go to another club, which was down the street. And he hears me killing. And so he comes back downstairs and he watches my whole set. And I would have never done what I did.

[A]

How long are you doing comedy at this point?

[B]

Three years.

[A]

That's fast.

[B]

Yeah, three years. So. But I was pretty. I had some good sex jokes. I had some great jokes that would kill. And I would have never done them if he was in the room. Because everybody had to be clean back then. That was like, you got to be clean, you got to be clean.

[A]

And I was like, you had good success in, like, acting stuff. Was that your. When you got into it was. I. I know when I got into. What I thought was interesting was I started to do standup comedy. It took me a long time to realize. And I love broadcasting. I think it scratches the same itch. For me, me, broadcasting is whatever. But I didn't never got into it to act or all these different other things. So. But as soon as you get into it, especially when you have a manager, you just see the industry unfold. You see everyone's like, you don't have a commercial agent. You gotta go out and audition for commercial. All these things that I was like, supplementary that I was like, instead of doing that, I'm just gonna keep doing the black circuit. Cause I could make some money there. Like, I was getting a couple bucks, you know, enough to survive on shows and that. And then I'll just go hang out the mainstream rooms, you know, at night and meet all the comics and get on when I can get on. But like, it was never a. It's never like, I would not go so many times to a Demic. I don't fucking.

[B]

Yeah, I did a couple.

[A]

I don't want it. I don't want it. And I ended up sitting on a show for two years. It was a great experience in hindsight.

[B]

But, like, what show did you get on?

[A]

It's called Z Rock. It was a IFC show. What was great about it for me was because it was the Curb youb Enthusiasm style writing. So we get to say whatever we wanted, really. And it was cursing and there was no problems with that. So it was a very fun show to do in that regard. But it's getting just wasn't my.

[B]

Wasn't Your thing.

[A]

In fact, when I. When I was doing it, I would still go, like, three of the nights a week. We do five shows every other night. I would still go do my spot at the Cellar, and she was giving me 2:00am spots, and I have to be on set at 7:00am you know, 6:00am sometimes. And when they would get, like, you know, I would take naps in between, like, scenes or whatever, and they would be like, why are you going and doing, like, stand up so late? I'm like, oh, because this show will not be forever. And there's 50 people waiting to jump in my spot there. You know, I mean, I'm established there right now. So it's like, when this goes away, that's the thing that's still gonna be there. And so I definitely made sure, as I said. But also, I didn't want to really be an actor.

[B]

Well, in the 90s, it was just a money thing. You know, it was everybody. There was two things that everybody wanted. As if you were a comic deal. No, you wanted to be the head of a sitcom or you wanted to host the Tonight Show. Those are the two things that everybody wanted, which is why Jay Leno. People to this day don't understand, like, why did Jay Leno want the Tonight show so bad that he was, like, hiding in the closet? And, you know that whole story where they were negotiating.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And, you know, he just. They scratched and clawed, and everybody was mad at him because he took it from Conan. Remember that? Because he went back because Conan's ratings weren't as good. That. All that craziness was. That was the golden carrot at the end of the stick. Everybody want, like, so in our minds, everybody wanted to host the Tonight show, or you wanted to be Jerry Seinfeld. So that was what you got, like. And so these people came there, and that's all the industry talked about, because that's where all the money was. That's what your agent wanted you to do. That's where all the money was. And everybody was just pushing you in that direction.

[A]

Well, yeah, that's what it is. But it was a push in that direction because it was like, you're. But it's an antiquated idea that comes from the time of, like, everyone in entertainment was like, a triple threat. I watched something a while ago that was like a Jamie Fox, but. Right. But even to go back to, like, the Sinatras and they said a Barney Miller, Hal Linden, there's videos of him, like, singing on. He went on. On, like, talk shows. And as A singer.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Because everyone had to, like, dance. You were like a showman.

[B]

Right.

[A]

There was no, like, focus in one direction. Yeah. So the idea. The idea that you were like. I. I came into comedy as a mega fan of standup comedy. I loved all of it. I didn't even, like, draw lines on, you know, there's people I liked more than others. And Dice was my guy for sure. When I was 12, 13, I just hit him at the right time.

[B]

Yeah, that.

[A]

I loved that. But I was such a fan of stand up that when I got into standup, I only saw, like, now I didn't know what the path was to selling out comedy clubs or theaters or anything like that, but that's all it was. I didn't get into this, and I was like, oh, and then I'll have a sitcom. And then you just get told right away, like, well, what year.

[B]

What year did you come on?

[A]

I started in 90. 97.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Almost like maybe 98.

[B]

That was, like, the peak of the sitcom days. That was Friends. That was signed. That was. Everything was still on the air back then. Right. Seinfeld had. When. What year did Seinfeld end? I want to say that was like, 2000. No, yeah.

[A]

I was gonna say 98.

[B]

98.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. And then there's Friends, which kept going a little while longer. Right. You know, and then there was, like, Caroline and the City. There was, like, all these shows that everybody was like. That was the goal. The goal was to get on a show and everybody wanted. And everybody got a network deal and they were handing out deals where you would get, like, a couple hundred grand. You didn't have to do anything, and they never even made a show. And then you get another deal next year. There's a bunch of guys who were always having deals and that.

[A]

A lot of those people. When I got in the comedy, I'd see those people, like, chest out at the Comic Strip.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And stuff. But then. But then never heard of again. Nothing. I mean, I wouldn't name names, but I mean, just. It was just weird to see people that were like, oh, they just got their second deal with NBC holding deal, or.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, they were convinced it was gonna go. They would tell you, like, I got a million dollar backup deal and this and that. So they have to do my show. It's gonna be on the air. You should play my brother.

[A]

And then it doesn't. It's such a.

[B]

Well, you see people getting really weird and acting like they're special before they're even famous.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

You didn't even get on the launching pad yet and you're already acting like a fucking crazy person.

[A]

Saw a lot of that. I've been doing it long enough to see people kind of go and be like, shit, the acting thing seems to be going, and I'm gonna go to LA or something in entertainment, like, besides, standup is going, and they focus on that for a couple years, and then nothing really pans out from it. And they didn't keep doing stand up Up, Right. And then they come back and then they try again, and then they're confused because I've never had my own sitcom. I've never had anything. But, like, one thing I never stopped doing was, like, working the whole time still.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So it's like you're building a fan base still. And when people. A lot of people left at a time where it was like, oh, this is where you have to start. You know, they went to go to acting when everyone was like, all right, this is its podcast times now and social media times. And you have to get all these things going and you connect with the audience and stuff and keep performing. And like, they went away and then come back, and it's hard to start again.

[B]

It's real hard. They saw a lot of guys during the writers strike try to do it again, because there's a few of those guys that are really good, that are just writers, and they become. They become trapped in that velvet prison of getting that, you know, you make good money, you got a great health plan, you know, you got a nice house, got a mortgage, maybe start having kids, and you're not really a comic anymore. Now you're working on a sitcom or you're writing. And the problem is you don't have a backup plan anymore because you can't just go on the road anymore because you don't have a audience.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So all those other guys that you came up with that kept their comedy up during that whole time, those guys can still tour. Like, Fit Simmons was very smart about it. Like, Fit Simmons did a lot of writing gigs, but he never stopped doing standing, never stopped doing standard, and he always kept getting better. And so, like, when writer strikes and things like that happen, Greg's fine. Like, he sells out all over the country. He doesn't have to worry about it, but it's because he's smart and because he saw the writing on the wall. Like, I'm not falling into this trap.

[A]

Well, it's a matter of what you want to do. When you woke up in the mornings to go do news radio. Were you like, thrilled going to work every day or did it?

[B]

No. Newsradio was really fun. It was really fun.

[A]

The cast is crazy.

[B]

It was really fun. It was a real fun, like, environment. We had a good time. The writers were amazing. It was like perfect best case scenario for a sitcom. Sitcom. And it was the second sitcom I was on. The first one I was on was like worst case scenario. Not worst, but started off great. It was on the show called Hard Hardball with Jim Brewer. Jim Brewer was. He played one of the rival mascots and he gets beat up. It's. Jim was so funny. It was so funny. It was a real funny pilot. And it was written by these guys who worked on Married with Children and they worked on the Simpsons. They were really funny writers, Jeff Martin and Kevin Curran. And these guys put together this really funny show and then the networks just hacked it up. They just. They just jizzed into the soup. It was a mess. They brought in a bunch of people that shouldn't have been there and a bunch of ended. The show fell apart and. But I got. I got to watch like, these brilliant, really funny guys get their work just shit all over by the network and have it fall apart and become just a joke.

[A]

Could you have been roped into stopping stand up? Like not doing stand up to go in the full time?

[B]

No, no, no, no.

[A]

From sitcom to sitcom.

[B]

But one thing that I did do for sure is I neglected my stand up for a few years when I was doing news radio all the time. The problem was in news radio in the early days, they were really long hours because we were trying to figure the show out. And, you know, there was a lot of network notice back in those days. And, you know, the network was really behind it, but it wasn't. It wasn't owned by NBC. It was produced by Brillstein Gray. So, you know, if you wanted to be on the good slots. Right. So there. What Paul Sims would call. Paul Sims is the creator of news radio, would call it the shit sandwich. So you'd have friends and Married with Children and in between you'd have like kind of caca sitcoms. It's like a shit sandwich. We got in those spots occasionally and every time we did, we were like number two in the country, number three or something. But then we dropped down like number 80 because we got moved like nine different times over five years. Nine times over five years. So the show didn't really become successful until it went into syndication.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

So it was one of those weird things. But I never, I auditioned for two shows ever. I auditioned for that Hardball show. I got that, that got canceled. And I auditioned for Newsradio. And that was it really. It was the nuttiest thing of all time. So I didn't want it. It just happened. So it wasn't something like. It was my Golden Carrot. My Golden Carrot was just. I wanted to be a professional comic, right? And then I as. I was like barely making money as a professional comic, barely surviving. All of a sudden they're like, we'll pay you $25,000 a week. I was like, what do I have to do? They gotta act. Okay? Now I'm acting. And I would have moved back to New York a hundred percent if I didn't get an apartment. So I, I signed a one year lease on this apartment in North Hollywood. And so staying, I was like, ah, I gotta stay because I wanted to just go back to New York and play pool and hang out with my friends. I didn't like it in la. It wasn't my cup of tea. I didn't like being around actors and it was hard to make friends with some of the comedians. And the Comedy Store was weird back then. So I was like, I was ready to go back to New York and I had this fucking lease. So I was like, I can't break the. I don't have that kind of money. I'll go to keep this lease going. So I stayed there. And then I got news radio like right afterwards, which is great. It was crazy.

[A]

That's a whirlwind for sure. It is funny though. It's like just that lead of that, like that you're supposed to do. Like to me it was sitting for whatever the 10th time and I think and watching especially actors like walking back and forth like how serious they're taking, getting there. And I'm just like holding the sides barely. And I'm like, what's like three lines we gotta say, like, relax. And I didn't book stuff. But it's also just like as I'm sitting there, like, I don't know if I want to be the, you know, the, the Trident cinnamon gum guy.

[B]

Mitch, he said, I don't know if.

[A]

I care, I just don't. Like, it's like, if you get it, it's almost like fantastic, you know, like.

[B]

That'S great, but if you get it, it's extra money.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

But then once you get all the extra money, you don't have to really do that anymore. And that's when you got to Decide, like, what do you like? One of the things that I had to decide after I did Fear Factor, I was like, okay, no more of that, please. Yeah, I did it one more time. I did it one more time. When in 2011, Fear Factor came back for a brief amount of time. And that's when they made people drink Chit. Jizz got canceled forever until Ludicrous came back and did it on mtv.

[A]

No Jizz. That was then. The no Jizz rules.

[B]

Tone it down back then. But it was. Is it just like there's a different thing that's happening when you're doing something just for money? You know, you're just like, okay, it's worth it. It's worth it for this amount of money. And then you gotta know what to do with that money. Like, plan. Plan your escape.

[A]

I used to have to, like, like, talk myself into, like, when I would get those weird, like, talking head shows. I think on History Channel, we did, like. I love. They were trying to do, like, a spoof of I love the 80s and I love the 90s. They would do, like, I love the 1880s or I love the 1890s or whatever. And they would give us, like, history stories and write jokes and you do talking head things. And I would look at it as the burden of that next day. Yeah, I gotta wake up at 8 to go into the city and like, to do this thing that's never. I look at all this stuff and I'm like, it's network. It's History Channel. So it's like, I can't really do exactly what it is I do. And then, because I'm gonna go as close as I can to my own voice that, like, it's probably not gonna get a lot of stuff on anyway.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And. But I had to really convince myself, like, you know, there was a kid across the street from me when I lived in South Jersey for the couple years who was in a Froot Loops commercial. I said. And he. And he said, he might as well have been Brad. You know what I mean? Like, to me, I was like, he's been on television. And I'm like, think of that. I'm going to do a TV show tomorrow. History Channel. Anything. If you told me when I was 12, 13 years old that, hey, you want to do a TV show, be on TV on the History Channel. You'd be like, no, TV. Is that possible? So you have to remember that it is pretty extraordinary to have some of these opportunities. But, man. So I try to take them in when I have Them. I was in the movie Hustlers as the strip club dj.

[B]

What is Hustlers?

[A]

It's the. The true story of the girls at Scores who were like, rob the strippers that were robbing the guys.

[B]

Oh, really? When did that movie come out?

[A]

A couple years back now, but maybe like seven years. Six. Seven years ago. But I was the strip club DJ in that. And like, I really had to go there because I look at the. In hindsight of it, it's like it was two 14 hour days of like nothing. So much nothing going on.

[B]

Right?

[A]

You're just waiting around and just whiffing when I had these opportunities. But I'm also trying to take in. I'm like, holy shit, that's Usher over there. That's Jay. As I'm sitting here, like, when do you guys need me again? It's like JLo's in a thong, like, you know, twerking on stage, like doing her scene. And you're like, oh, I should really enjoy some of it, you know, I.

[B]

Mean, JLO was on stage twerking.

[A]

Yeah, I introduced her. Her.

[B]

What year was this?

[A]

Do you know, J I? 2,018 maybe. Yeah, my voice opens this scene.

[B]

Damn. Is that really JLo?

[A]

Yeah, it's.

[B]

So this is her 10 years ago.

[A]

50 years old.

[B]

Not then she wasn't.

[A]

Yep, she's 50 on set. Yeah.

[B]

Wait a minute. How old is she now? You said this is 2000. What? 2000 when?

[A]

2000. 19. 18.

[B]

Was she really 50 back then?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

God. Six years ago. She's not 56.

[A]

She doesn't. 19.

[B]

Okay. How old is JLo?

[A]

So she's 56, I guess now?

[B]

No. Is she really? Whoa, that's crazy.

[A]

Yeah, bro.

[B]

What is she doing?

[A]

I don't know, but she looked fantastic. And it really shined a light on.

[B]

This girl's narrow genetics.

[A]

This girl's narrow Asian ass really shined a light on that. It almost looked when they were choreographing them together on stage, it looked so. It looked so shitty.

[B]

That's.

[A]

Yeah, she looks great.

[B]

It's incredible. Good for her.

[A]

She seemed nice. I tried to talk to her once and I whiffed hard.

[B]

Did you? I just get panicked.

[A]

I planned.

[B]

You thought you could be number six?

[A]

I planned what I was gonna say. That's what the problem was.

[B]

Oh, you did?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How bad?

[A]

It was bad. I said, when she. Next time she turns around. Cause she seems nice, she's gonna, like, at some point she's gonna talk to me. We're doing this one scene Together where she hands me money and I say a line, and every time they yell cut. She'd put her robe on, turn around, talk to her assistant. But I'm like, she does seem nice. And she's gonna turn around and ask me some version of how you doing? And I'm gonna say, you know, I'm just living the life of a fake strip club dj. And that's gonna make her giggle. And then we're best friends for life. And instead of waiting for her to say anything, the next time, she just. Her eyes just crossed my eyes. I went living the life. Fake strip club dj, like, followed her face, and she was like, me? And I was like, oh. And then her assistant started laughing at me. And then I demanded to go outside to get a soda. They were like, we'll get you a soda. I'm like, please let me go outside and reset this moment. I hate this.

[B]

Yeah, you can't have a diva roll her eyes at you. That'll your confidence up no matter who you are. No, Jennifer Lopez rolls her eyes at you.

[A]

It hurts so much how she looks so good. I don't know. She really did.

[B]

It's pretty extraordinary, ordinary.

[A]

It's that thing. It's a person that's in a room, and you're like, oh, a celebrity's here. Okay, give that off.

[B]

Right? But it's like, think of her beauty. And then that other lady that you said that did a bunch of. To her face, probably same age, right?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Isn't that crazy?

[A]

It is crazy. You know, it's also in that movie, by the way, a young. Only one song out, Lizzo. And everyone was so excited for her, and I didn't know she was. And they go. They were talking about the celebrities are going to be there today. And she's playing a string stripper. And I was like, I'm wondering who it is. And then hours later, my next question was, I'm like, who's the big fat stripper wearing the fishnet outfit? And they're like, that's Lizzo. Yeah, like, that's Lizzo. I was like, christ almighty, what are they making her do that? And again, it's my own fat insecurity that I put out on other people. Almost like I said that guy earlier who's like, the robe open.

[B]

There's gotta be guys that. I'm impressed.

[A]

I'm impressed with that. Because what I have is much more. Which I always found interesting. Chris Farley. You know, these most. This most famous thing ever is the Chippendale sketch.

[B]

Right.

[A]

With Patrick Swayze, I've always thought. And I just know this from. I'm good friends with his brother and. And from years of reading stuff about it, like, that's. If you want to trickle back what killed him, it's essentially that. Do you know what I mean? It's like, he hated. He was willing to do it, like, I'll be the fat, gross guy, but he hated it. He didn't want everyone to think he was, like, fat and gross. So I. It's like, I have a hard time with, like, with those kind of things. So I'm impressed also with someone who's like, ladies, you know, with, like, their fat rolls on their sides. Welcome to the party.

[B]

Well, it's.

[A]

How do you do it, man? And Lizzo just like it. I'm wearing a thong. Like, don't. You don't have to.

[B]

It's one of those things where it's like, you want to celebrate people that don't care. Like. Yeah, you go. But also yikes. Yeah, it's also yikes.

[A]

It's always lies, too. By the way, she's lost 100 pounds.

[B]

Well, also, remember when she was accused of fat shaming all the girls that she worked with and making them. Making hookers?

[A]

Yeah. Making each stripper pussy and shit.

[B]

Yeah. Whatever. Whatever was going down. Whatever she was accused of. I don't know if it was real, but it's like the Chris Farley thing. I never would have imagined that. He hated doing that.

[A]

Oh, yeah. No, he loved making people laugh, but he hated that it was at the expense. And I don't think I'm speaking at a school here that. But it never seemed like that's. That stuff did bother him. I think he wanted. He wanted girls to like him. He wanted. You know what I mean? So that's why. And he got big into drugs.

[B]

Are you basing this on conversations that you've had with people that know him or conversations?

[A]

I've watched so much stuff, like, on him. Yeah. Yeah. And you could see, like, you know, they. Again, it's people reading in this stuff and. Sure. But. Yeah, but I think also from talking to his brother and stuff. Conversations.

[B]

I met him once when he was in the throat of it.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. There's a couple of people that I met where their skin looked like wet cardboard. Like, it was the consistency of wet, like, gray cardboard. Like sweaty gray cardboard. So he was on the set hanging out. There was always, like, a lot of fun people that were on the set that you got to meet. And he wasn't working on the show. He was just there to hang out. And so I ran into him, like, during the craft service table area, and he was. Just looked terrible. And I don't know, like, what year did he die?

[A]

I think late 90s also.

[B]

So this was around 97ish. Somewhere around then. So news radio was 94 to 99, December, week before Christmas. That's when he died. 33. So it might have been the year he died. Died, yeah, because he looked like hell. He looked like. He was just so sweaty and so gray. He just looked up. The one other time there was a dude that I ran into at the improv and he couldn't form sentences. He. He had, like the same gray skin and he was talking to me, but nothing made sense. But he just kept talking and he could. He couldn't form sentences. And I was like, this is the craziest thing I've ever seen. Scene.

[A]

It's also weird to get into that and then still be around comedy.

[B]

Just be around public. You're hanging around with people at a bar and you're so gacked up, you can't even form a sentence.

[A]

I have a hard time with the. I mean, I can. So I can get caught up in, like, the dramatic conversation of, like, the science of comedy and like, all the internal things and the manipulation of it. But at the end of the day, it's so silly when, like, it's taken so seriously in some way too. It's not like, you know, unlike Daniel Day Lewis, who has to be Lincoln all day, someone can go, jay, they're calling your name on stage and you can go up. I don't have to, like, find my place, you know what I mean? Like, oh, I'm not even, you know. Oh, hang on. Okay. You know, you just go on stage and be like, shit, I didn't know they were calling me. Sorry, everybody.

[B]

But also, you're doing sets multiple times a night. You're doing multiple sets a week. You're so comfortable with being on stage. It's not like, action, right? You know, you're Lincoln, go.

[A]

Yeah. Seven years ago, you mess up a line, they gotta go change the gate. They gotta do a bunch of fucking things.

[B]

Yeah. And there's always someone who wants to come in and touch up your hair. And then there's fucking people moving around. And there's always some. So many support people. It's hard to just like, keep your fucking concentration.

[A]

Some people like being doted on Dan Soder, I've always been, he likes acting and not Even just acting, he likes the day. He takes the day in the trailer and he said he'll write jokes and do whatever.

[B]

Happy? Dude, Dan Soder seems like he's always happy. It's hard to imagine him being even angry. Angry like he was talking to me about somebody who ripped off one of his jokes. And even that, the way he's talking about the guy ripping off his joke and confronting him about ripping off the joke, it's still. He's like silly. Yeah, yeah, he's being silly and laughing about it. I'm like, wow.

[A]

Oh, he's the best, for sure.

[B]

Great demeanor. So that's like a glass is always half full guy. He's. He's fine with doing a little acting here, but if you, you know what he wants to do is stand up. He's a great stand.

[A]

No, no, he's great stand up. And he does want to do stand up and he wants to make shows. He's got a lot of interest. I think he'll be great at all them. I'm just saying more like, you know, I'm losing my train of thought.

[B]

Well, it's. You don't have to do all that other stuff. And the thing is, like, back in the 90s, we all thought we had to do that other stuff. I would have never imagined, like quitting a TV show and just so I could do Stand up on the road. First of all, you needed the TV show, so people come to see you. That was people. That was a big thing back then. People came to see you if you were on the Tonight show or if you had an HBO special or if you had a six. Like that was.

[A]

That's why I was always so impressive. A person like. Like Regan. Yeah, you did it straight through comedy.

[B]

Just organic.

[A]

And got the theaters.

[B]

Yep. Huge theaters. It sells out instantly. Just because he's so good, you know, it's funny.

[A]

The quietest, the people who are the most surprising. There's huge earning comics that we've. You've never even heard of and stuff. I always look up like, Shonda Pierce is a lady, just like an old lady from the south, but she's multi millionaire, sells out. She performs at like churches and stuff.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. But it's just stand up and it's just like the most mundane. Again, it's not for me, obviously, but I mean, with this kind of whatever, you know, like, act that, you know, wouldn't impress anybody. She's making millions.

[B]

Christian comedy is a tough sell.

[A]

Yeah, well. But there's a market for it.

[B]

There is a market for it. I remember there was a bunch of people that went into Christian comedy. There was, like, a Christian comedy tour back in, like. Yeah, it was terrible.

[A]

It was terrible to want to go to. That seems boring even if you were religious. Like, I don't want to go watch religious comedy.

[B]

But it was like, the most. Aw, shuck, stupid shit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

About like, the guy's dumb, and my wife always tells me I'm dumb. And she's right.

[A]

It's why Nate Bargetts, he's so impressive to me and always has been, is because he's clean in that way. You can call him a creep Christian comic, and it doesn't matter, because if you just watch the comedy, if you're not listening to all the labels being put on them.

[B]

Right.

[A]

He's just brilliant.

[B]

Yeah, it's just great.

[A]

And more than brilliant. Hilarious. Hilarious.

[B]

Hilarious and squeaky clean. Yeah. And you throw them on anywhere in a lineup.

[A]

Yeah. Gary Goldman was so impressive in that way, too. Just didn't have to be dirty. Like, almost like subjects. You were someone who said to write a joke about this subject. You're like, nah, that's corny. Well, Gaffigan, then they do it and kill it. Yeah, he's great.

[B]

Gaffigan's been killing it forever. Squeaky clean clean. You know, there's. You know, there's a market, like, again.

[A]

But everyone shouldn't be that.

[B]

Right.

[A]

That's the Hannah Gatsby argument she made. That's. That's the. Really. Whatever. My opinions about her comedy are meaningless. It was an article she did where she was like, if you're not using your comedy to, like, move society forward in some way.

[B]

Did you say that?

[A]

Yeah, that's hilarious. Like, you're wasting time basically. Like. Like, you need to come and talk about your rape. Or you're wasting time doing comedy. And it's like. Or did I even see you not being personal? I go, so you're saying, like, David, tell Brian Regan, Carrot Top. You're saying people just shouldn't be in comedy because they're a different, like, faction of it than you. That's insane.

[B]

It's insane.

[A]

And God forbid, if everybody started doing Hannah Gatsby style quality, she's. She's not gonna be the best at it. You know what I mean?

[B]

Right.

[A]

It's like, why are you welcome? It's like, why don't you stay, keep your lane and be happy with everybody?

[B]

Here's the other thing about comedy. Like, you should be funny first. If you want to do all that other stuff too. But if you want to do all that other stuff and you call it comedy, but it's not funny, like you're doing something where you're just trying to educate people. Hey. That you missed the whole mark of this whole thing. And to say that that's the most important thing. The only people that would say that are people who aren't funny. Yeah, that's it. That's the only people that would ever think that the most important thing is to move social justice forward with your comedy.

[A]

If somebody told me I made them think on stage, I'd go about what?

[B]

About what? Listen, you could be be as social justice y as you want. You could talk to your phone, you can make long rants on reels, you could do podcasts, you could do whatever you want, talk about issues. But when you're on stage, what you're supposed to be doing is be funny. Now, if you can be funny with some sort of grand message that makes everybody Bill Hicks clap at you, that's great. But that's not the goal. The goal is to just be funny. And if that's your goal, you want to be funny with a social justice great, nothing wrong with it. But you gotta be funny. You can't, like, fake it and get clapped her and think you're anything.

[A]

I would even say with passion on stage, I could end just as easily by going, or not, you know, or maybe I'm completely wrong. I don't know.

[B]

Definitely.

[A]

How the would I know?

[B]

Remember, guys would do this when they were bombing. Hey, how about a nice round of applause for the ladies? Give round of applause for all the ladies.

[A]

How many at the. In the black comedy circuit, it was. Those are the funniest. How many they would give. He goes, how about for the lady? He goes, how about for a brother doing the right thing, staying out of jail, doing the right thing, trying to do the right thing.

[B]

Yeah, they get claps. Yes, yes. And then it was positive energy that was going your way.

[A]

But we all use some crutch in that. I went, I think so. Not just because I was like, you know, obviously inspired by like the dices and stuff with the comics that I like the dirtier guys. But I would go dirty because I found out pretty early, if you go dirty, even if you don't get the laugh because the joke wasn't good, you're gonna get the groan. And it was a noise.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Cause that was to me, again, the silence was the thing. Once it was silent, I was like, someone please save me from this. It's going so bad.

[B]

Yeah. If you get a few. Oh, God, yeah.

[A]

At least you're like, either with me, you can kind of. You can kind of laugh that off yourself. Yeah.

[B]

And then if you're laughing genuinely, maybe people start smiling. Yeah. It's a weird art form, dude. But, you know, kudos to you for just doing that, because that's the way to do it. And then Legion of Skanks, too. Like, what? What? Lewis and you guys and Dave. What you guys have done is so interesting because you did it all without ever worry about being, like, removed from YouTube, you know, because he did it all on his network. Gas Digital.

[A]

I mean, he started Gas Digital essentially for Legion of Skanks, more or less so smart. And it would have, like, a plywood that they really can't get rid of.

[B]

Yeah. Because it limits your reach a little bit. But over time, people figure it out. That's why Skank Fest is so fucking huge. Skank Fest is nuts, dude.

[A]

It's fun. It's been great doing New Orleans this year.

[B]

I should have got in when I could have done done it. Now it seems like I don't. I just. I don't. There's too many people again.

[A]

There's a lot of people for sure. But it's amazing how, like, you'd have a blast.

[B]

It's such a celebration of people just being stupid and having fun.

[A]

Absolutely. And there's no, like, you know, pretense. No. And I said they all look the part. But they're such great comedy fans. And by the way, also, I mean that in the sense that there's been so many people who have been like, skankfist isn't my thing. I'm like, dude, they're gonna lose their minds for you.

[B]

Yeah. You don't even know.

[A]

It's like, they're comedy fans. They're not just like our F. Right. Exclusively.

[B]

There are also fans of people that are willing to do real comedy in this fucking bizarre world where you're being told that the most important thing is for you to do social justice on stage. Which I shouldn't say that's the world now, because that it's not. It was the world, like, four years ago. Four years ago. You heard that a lot.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And that's kind of died off. And there was a bunch of things that killed that. But I think the real nail in the coffin, the final one, was the Tom Brady Roast.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think that was the grand nail in the coffin of woke comedy.

[A]

Well, all you had to show people was that there was like, if you stick with something for a minute, like, there is an audience there. You're just listening to a bunch of lunatics screaming with nothing to do with their lives. It's like. But if you give it a second, like, conversely, as much as people are writing, they're angry about this. There's a bazillion people who just like it.

[B]

Yeah, you can't cater to the people that are upset at what popular thing there is out there.

[A]

Can you imagine writing a letter to ACDC like, this last record sucks. First, second song's okay, but third song blows. And the fourth one is like, that's.

[B]

The fuck you, you're not funny person in the crowd. There's always gonna be a percentage of them. It's an unavoidable aspect of human nature. There's a bunch of people that don't do anything, can't contribute, and want to knock down everything they see in front of them. There's a bunch of people that were born with amazing genetics that just have this superiority over everybody that they believe is real. And they, you know, especially if you're pretty and everybody wants to fuck you and you think you could yell at anything at the guy on stage. Yeah, maybe you hate men because your ex boyfriend's a piece of shit and you've had a couple of cocktails and fuck him and fuck this guy. Don't fucking say women can't do it.

[A]

Break down. It's the funniest. So I'm just trying to break down your bit.

[B]

Oh, that's the best. I had a lady heckle me once where I was trying to explain. I was doing this bit about. I had a bit about the guy who broke into the White House because this guy, some fucking maniac, broke into the White House. He just hopped the fence, ran across the lawn and broke in. And there was a lady guarding the front door and he smacked her to the ground. Just ran through and he got tackled by an off duty Secret service guy. Was like getting a cup of coffee and sees this fucking guy running through the White House and he tackles him. And the joke was about a woman being a security guard at the White House. And the joke was supposed to be, I know, because guess what? I shouldn't be a security guard at the White House. I go, and you know how I know? Because I met Shaquille O'Neal and his dick is where my face is. It's like, if the White House is experiencing a shack attack, I'm the wrong.

[A]

Dude to save the world, you know, Shit.

[B]

So the whole joke was about that. And I couldn't get it out because this lady's like, bullshit. Bullshit. So the joke was, women can't do everything men can do because men can't do everything men can do. That's why we have the Olympics. There's some people that can just do shit that regular people can't do. And one of those things is guarding the fucking White House. Like, you should be a big fucking giant dude who's capable of extreme violence. But this wouldn't let me get this out. She's like. And I tried to explain her, this is how the joke goes. And then I went further into the joke, and she chimed in again. I explained the joke. And then she was. She was like, okay. I'm like, yeah, I. I'm saying I can't do it.

[A]

I've gone hard at female cops so much. It's so great when I meet female cops that are like. They usually have great sense of humor about it, quite honestly. But I will film and send to, like, Soders, who. I'll do it, too. I watch Cops still a lot like clips of the show Cops, Cops. And there was one I watched recently that was just about. It's a female cop. Whoever. It's a female cop. I'm like, I get my phone ready in case I have to film this, because I go, it's always going to be something hilarious. And they're always in the way somehow or something. And it's. They're trying to stop this guy, you know, he's on foot, black dude. And this lady's like, let me see your id. Let me see your ID right now. And the guy's just slowly backing away. And then he just decides to go start running. And he runs, and this girl is chasing this black guy, is so far away from her, it's ridiculous. And then just coming, zipping right past her is a dude cop who just catches the guy and tackles him. And then the rest of the times, her standing over and breathing hard, she's like, son of a bitch got away from me. And she's like, lady, what are you doing? What are you doing? I saw one time I was waiting outside of a doctor's office in New York, and I saw a guy who was naked with his hospital gown on the floor next him. This isn't outside of a hospital, by the way. Just doctor's office. This guy left the hospital. Clearly, he's naked, still has his bracelet on. He's flapping his dick around. So I Call the cops. And I go, hey, I think there's a guy who got out of a hospital here. He's naked and he's seems pretty unruly. He's like, screaming, shit. And he's being kind of weird. And they go, will you stay on the phone with us and let me know when the officers get there? I go, sure. And then a big NYPD van pulls up and two tiny little ladies get out. And I started laughing on the phone, and I'm like, yo, I don't think these. These ones are gonna be able to handle it. You might want me to send somebody else. And they go, why? I go, cause it's like two tiny ladies miss. And I'm like. And this guy's like, I'm gonna have to get involved now, and I don't want to. And then the guy stood up and he's walking towards him, and the ladies are like, first of all, already touching their guns, which is like, again, not really necessary. The guy's naked. He doesn't have a weapon. But it's just they're so tiny. Like, how many options do they have? Well, they have to if he goes at them, right?

[B]

That's the thing. If you. If you're a small woman and a naked guy is coming your way and you don't know how to fight and you have a gun, you're grabbing your.

[A]

Gun and the guy just went up to them and just stood about seven feet in front of them and started pissing at their feet. And then. And then finally another cop car came with a guy who just, I mean, got out of the car right away, grabbed him by the arms, you know, I mean, put his arms behind his back, and they put the. This thing back over him, his gown back on him. But it was just like to pee.

[B]

He didn't. Couldn't find his clothes.

[A]

But it's just so wild that I'm like, why are these two a team at all?

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I would like to say that women could do everything men can do, but I think in that circumstance, you probably want a big man.

[A]

Field police work.

[B]

That's crazy. You're dealing. One of the scariest videos that I ever saw was this guy, this lady pulled him over on the highway, and the guy gets out and he's beating the. Out of this lady cop and his daughter. The guys who's beating the cop, his daughter is saying, daddy, stop, daddy stop. Because he's just beating the out unconscious lady. It's so scary. It's so scary because this there's no way she should have been in that situation. There's no way.

[A]

A chubby female cop to boot, is the funniest too. You're like, what is happening?

[B]

Happening all the time?

[A]

What is the problem they're going to solve all the time, but they're in the way.

[B]

Like, I was at a casino once, and this person who I thought air quotes was a woman and I was talking to, and it was a security guard, like 5 foot 5, like, shorter than me. Security guard, Woman, I thought. Thought was a woman. It wasn't disturbed by the fact that she was a security guard. None of. Of it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But then at the end of the night, I had been talking to these people, you know, the show was over, and I was like, well, ladies, it was really nice to meet you. And she says, actually, I'm a man. And she says it, like, with a woman's voice. And I. And I'm like, stuck. You know, I probably had a couple cocktails, just did a show, and I probably gotta go.

[A]

Nah, are you.

[B]

You for sure? Like, what? Sorry. I said I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. I didn't know. Gave her a hug, hugged everybody, and I left. And I was. I felt proud of myself that I didn't say something.

[A]

She nut checked her. I was just like, yo, nut check.

[B]

It's just like, you definitely. You're not. But, you know, whatever. Like, to think that I should have known, like, that's crazy. And I had something you identify as, man.

[A]

I had something turn on me so bad with that at a. Not even a mustache at a diner. It was me, Josh, Adam Myers, and my girlfriend went to a concert and we went to a diner afterwards. And where they sat at this diner, our table was facing the booths that are going across. And the booth right across from where I'm staring is a cute girl. And what I thought was a goth guy, I thought it was like a goth dude. He's wearing, like kind of fishnet stuff and everything. And they are making out hard up, like, going. They're going for it. And I'm like, you know, we're kind of like laughing it off almost at first, you know, like, all right, I guess, like, they're going. But then it starts getting, like there, like. Like she's like getting in a position. The girl, the only girl I thought is when like the. The goth guy, he's rubbing, like, her over the pants and she's like writhing around and stuff, and this is going on. Then they stop in a diner. Yeah. Then they stop. Then they start again. It's at a point where I go laughingly though, too. I kind of go, ah, come on. And they're like. And they're like. They have like an oh, my God, what the fuck is wrong with you? Thing. Now. There's people. They're in a booth, and we're the only people who see them. We're facing them. These booths are other people, but they're just not paying attention to what's going on there. I'm just having to look at it. And I'm like, all right. And they're like, what's the problem? And I'm still just kind of laughingly going like, I get it. But like, you know, I'm doing like. Like, guys, I'm like, you're fucking at the table. I mean, like, it's crazy. We're at a diner and then it's getting shitty about it. And then I'm just like, I don't know what the problems. I'm like, that's crazy what you're doing and everything. And I'm like, we're not wrong here. And then she was. And then she goes, would you have a problem if we were a straight couple? And I was like, I thought that was. I thought that was a guy. I said, I didn't know. It wasn't a straight couple. And then whatever, it all kind of calms down and then our food's gone. Coming. Which is weird. We still have to sit there. And I go, yeah, I'm gonna go outside and smoke a cigarette and like, regroup here a little bit. Biggest mistake I ever made because I went outside and I'm. It's like a big glass front restaurant, you know, diner. And I'm smoking right outside the diner. And I'm watching the narrative get created in the room without me being in the room. Like, the people behind and the staff coming up and being like the we're sorry things. People have to still act like that. People still act like that today. And Bubba. And when I go back in to eat, I mean, we are pariahs. I just feel like. And then the host guy, who like, you know, seats everybody, is gay and he's side eye. It just. It was so uncomfortable. And I was like, did you explain yourself? We didn't do anything. No, there's nothing to explain. He just went to kind of awkwardly give us our food. And I'm like, you guys are mad somehow at me.

[B]

How much spit do you think you ate?

[A]

Oh, so much. So much spit. Shitty food. Then I told that story on my radio show. It was funny. And somebody like, messaged like, the Yelp or whatever the thing, and they were like, that guy was being transphobic. And we are. This is a welcoming restaurant. Who allows anybody in? It's like this. How is this the narrative of what happened?

[B]

They got you.

[A]

They got me. They got you completely created around me. I wouldn't have cared if it was trans. I thought it was a straight couple in a diner booth that I wanted to stop.

[B]

Yeah, people are good at spinning a tail.

[A]

If. And by the way, I said, it's always the in betweens too. In full disclosure, if the guy, like, had her, what I thought was the guy had that girl's, like, shorts to the side and I was watching him finger. I wouldn't have said a word. I would just sit there and just drank it all in.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

It was just.

[B]

It wasn't going hard enough.

[A]

It wasn't soft enough or hard enough. It was Goldilocks right in the middle. And I don't want to see. I don't want to see you guys dry hump while I'm eating either finger where we could all see or take it down the road.

[B]

That's hilarious that they put that. Put transphobia on. I mean, thought it was a guy.

[A]

The whole diner when we went back in was like, oh, these intolerant people go, I don't care if that's a girl. It means nothing to me.

[B]

They didn't see it.

[A]

Also, maybe if they announced it was a girl out of the gates, I might not say anything either. Just two chicks going out of the thing. I'm like, look at these two. Wild, right?

[B]

You just thought it was crazy that it was a dude doing that. Yeah, that's funny enough. Funny. That's weird. It's weird how we look at that.

[A]

Oh, yeah. But I said, you get wrapped up in a thing and you're like, you're transphobia. That has nothing to do with any of this.

[B]

It's a problem because that label you just slap on someone when you're talking about, like, male athletes that identify as women competing in girl sports. Like, that's not transphobic. That's just. We're talking about something crazy.

[A]

Can I be trans weirdic? Is that. Is that a term? Just be like, it's like, I think that's weird that. That there's a 6 foot 7 woman beating up an actual woman in a ring.

[B]

There was some lady who was just arguing that there's no biological difference between men and women. I'm send you this, Jamie, because it's so kooky.

[A]

You like Doctor Who.

[B]

You can't really think that this is true.

[A]

This is no biological difference.

[B]

There's no difference between men and women's strength. Pennsylvania state senator said there's no biological advantage for men in women's sports or disadvantage for women in men's sports.

[A]

This is, that's a woman.

[B]

A woman said this. This is so crazy. I just sent it to you, Jamie. It's so kooky. You're like, come on, look, I know you want to believe this, but if you're going to be on TV saying things, it has to make some kind of fucking sense. Female bodies are just as strong, as fast and capable as male bodies. I, I want all girls to know that there are elected officials like me who would never underestimate your ability to beat a boy at their own sport. Because that's what the premise of this bill assumes, that female bodies are less than male bodies. For what reason other than political gain are we spending time and taxpayer dollars on a completely made up issue? So female bodies are just. That's so crazy.

[A]

This guy hurt her.

[B]

Well, she just got caught up in the woke bullshit. She lives in an echo chamber. Probably all the people around her are all either in academia or in some sort of left wing fucking ideology. And they really believe that and they believe that you should say that. Because if you're saying, if you're not saying, then you're saying women are less than men. That's not what anybody's saying. Strength and speed and athleticism is not all of life.

[A]

Well, you made the point. There's men that are less than men in different areas.

[B]

Yeah, of course, they're called coders. They're out there like, you know, they're incels, they're online, they're, they're making apps. You know, there's a lot of different roles for people in this. Like it doesn't make you a man just because you're, you can run faster than everybody else. But to say that men can't run faster than women is just, you're denying statistics and science and all the information that we have gathered forever, we have so much data. High school 15 year old boys beat the women's soccer team team, the professional team. So shut the up. This is stupid to say, this is stupid to say. It's not transphobic, homophobic, it's not gender phobic, it's not misogynistic, it's just a fact of physical nature.

[A]

But also, if you if you hit the pinnacle, the. The fight's over. Do you know? I mean if you just go like. Women's sports is highly attended. It's given the same amount of TV time as men's sport. Everything it's like, yeah, not enough.

[B]

Not really.

[A]

Like now I want to. Now I want to be in men's sports.

[B]

Also the craziest one, when the WNBA players want as much money as a WNB as the NBA players. No, the NBA actually generates extreme amounts of revenue. If the w. Somebody wrote a joke about it that the WNBA wanted what their just pay was and so they. They owe $400 million because that's really what how it balances out. It's like a losing. It's never been profitable.

[A]

Do you know what those with those things. But like a lot again like it's like you're helping the one to hurt the many in so many things too. It's just like the video Shane showed me this years ago. The blind kid playing football. It's like a little boy playing Pop Warner football and he's blind. And I'm like, who's this for?

[B]

That's your dad. Why is he letting you do that?

[A]

Who is this for?

[B]

Is it Daredevil?

[A]

And the kid gives a speech in the video. He gives a speech and he goes. A lot of people say blind people can't play football. And you're like, yeah, everybody. And you've never seen this video?

[B]

No.

[A]

This is maybe my favorite video on the Internet. Blind Football. Jamie, if you could. This is. It's a 30 second video. The song they pick for this is the is the greatest thing in the world.

[B]

So here's the thing about like the wnba. If you love the wnba, that's great. There's a certain amount of people that love the wnba. It's great that women have an avenue for professional speaking sports. But you only get paid as much as people are willing to go to see you. And if they're not willing to go see you, I'm sorry.

[A]

Because they want to see dunks.

[B]

This kid's blind. It's that kind of confidence that continues to amaze people who watch Dylan play. Oh, this is so crazy. This blind. Oh, this is so crazy. I can't see. And a lot of people think that. That a blind person can't play football. But this courageous young youngster has proven those people wrong.

[A]

I mean you can't play football by smell. That's impossible. But it's again, it's like what you're actually doing is making this Game not fun for anybody else out there, right?

[B]

You can't hit the blind kid.

[A]

No one's gonna hit the blind kid. And if you do, you're a dick.

[B]

He's just running around so you have one less player. For real?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's just like your. Your. Your team has decided to be on a handicap so you can get on the news.

[A]

We used to play basketball every Wednesday, and Nate Bargazzi one time brought his friend Nick Novicki, who's a little person comedian, and he brought him, and we were like, oh, he's gonna play. Like, all right, I guess. And we let him play. And every time he'd get the ball, the defense would lay off him and let him shoot. And he'd make it or miss it, but it was what it was. And then he started when everyone would lay off on defense. Instead of shooting the ball, he'd try to, like, run in and, like, do a layup. And we're letting him until eventually Nate Bargazzi, of all people, goes over and just cleaned his shot right into, like, the projects he just sent away. He's like, I can't just. We can't just let this happen the whole time. Like, it really becomes not fun for everybody. It was. There was a. When I was a kid, I remember very few stories, but there was a handful of, like, the girl that fought to get on the men's football team.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Football's such a violent sport that to let girls play it, they have to put them in lingerie. Lingerie football league is only. Is the only visible women playing football sport. I don't know, but I wanted to start taking, like, bets on it.

[B]

That was a thing right at one point in time.

[A]

Oh, yeah. And they hit hard. They hit hard. Never saw roller derby. There's also buns in basketball where they have morbidly obese black chicks, wear thongs and play basketball.

[B]

I haven't seen that. Oh, but roller derby's like, let's buy a team. Like, a really hardcore lesbian type activity, right?

[A]

Oh, yeah, I would imagine. I would assume. Yeah. Yeah. Really get the bang in the chicken.

[B]

Or dyke bar girls with weird tattoos.

[A]

And there's some element of wrestling to it also. It's like, not fully real.

[B]

Very aggressive. They slam into each other. They get crazy.

[A]

Lingerie football. If you look up lingerie football's biggest hits, it's nuts with lingerie.

[B]

But they. I saw that they made a deal for something to air on ESPN2 this year. This is like a women's tackle football league.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Championship game from last year. Wait a minute. These are chicks.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Come on, go back.

[A]

That was a hell of a play.

[B]

Whoa. That's nuts. 30, 40 yard pass. Caught it. Oh, my God. That's crazy. They look pretty good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This looks better than wnba. Maybe they found it. Maybe women's tackle football is what's up because you're going to see a lot of tackles.

[A]

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

[B]

I don't know if they get jacked up like they do in the, like, NFL or anything, but. Well, how they have to. They're running into each other.

[A]

Well, here's what's funny about this. These hits are pretty good, but they're wearing actual football pads. Lingerie. Football's biggest hits are their wearing shoulders. Yeah, they're wearing shoulder pads and lingerie. They look like the. Like the Legion of Doom. They used to come out. Dude, they whale each other.

[B]

Do they really?

[A]

I mean, it's crazy. Well, the titties never come out.

[B]

That's crazy. They must have the things strapped down. That's. Ouch. Ouch.

[A]

Looks like these pileups are crazy.

[B]

How much staff infection is coming out of these things. I've seen a lot of staff. I'm seeing a lot of staff happen in the future. These little.

[A]

I mean, they blast each other into the sun.

[B]

You're going to get scratched up bad. You're going to get staff for sure.

[A]

Well, the fact you get 22 girls on a field who are not fighting the idea of, like, oh, so we just got to dress like sluts to play football. They just go, yeah, we just like, slots and play football.

[B]

It.

[A]

Why are they shamed? And buns. And if you find buns in basketball, we should buy a franchise. Dude, I'll go halfies with you. Jesus Christ.

[B]

Oh, my God. There's a couple of bbls, actually.

[A]

See if you could find the Benson basketball leg break. There's a girl who. Oh, she's a Paul George, like, leg bridge. Because she's just fat and she just falls under the weight of her dribbling.

[B]

How bad is.

[A]

Look, it's pretty gnarly. It's not the worst I've ever seen. It's not Tom Segura's arm bad, but it's close. That was bad.

[B]

That was so bad.

[A]

It's because when he pulls it back and it's flopped, it's the. It's the Anderson Silva retracting the flopped leg.

[B]

You know, his arm still is Tom. Yeah, still not 100%. Oh, I'd have to assume grip is still up. He Had a bunch of nerve surgeries and.

[A]

Yeah, that was gnarly, dude. If it. Just imagine if anyone's playing defense.

[B]

Just going for a layup. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[A]

Dip, dip.

[B]

Oh, God. It just snapped.

[A]

For buns and basketball, of all things.

[B]

Oh, it just snapped. Oh, my God.

[A]

Hey, I can tell it's gonna rain tomorrow. How do you know that? Old buns and basketball injury, bro.

[B]

Those are bad injuries. The femur's a real bad one because you got to get blood flow to it. Sometimes it takes a long time, sometimes it doesn't fully heal. Yeah, I know a couple be a little broken femurs.

[A]

That's the most painful one.

[B]

Yeah, I know a dude, Frank Mir, he was UFC champion. He got hit by a car when he was on his motorcyc and he got thrown through the air and he was a giant fucking dude.

[A]

He came back, too.

[B]

Took a long time before he was like, really back, you know, like, it took well over a year and a half, two years before he was really performing at the same level. I mean, you'd have to ask him.

[A]

Then he came out and fought Brock, right? He was like the. Right away.

[B]

Yep, he fought Brock. He knee, knee barred him. Yeah. That was all after the accident. Yeah.

[A]

Man, UFC really has straightened out your belief in other people from other sports saying, like, I can come do mixed martial arts.

[B]

Very few could ever pull it off, but Brock pulled it.

[A]

I mean, the. The funnest one for me was again, just that blind belief I had in Kimbo slice. I don't know. I don't know why I didn't think that Roy Nelson would just hold him on the ground and mush his face until a referee was like, hey, leave him alone. That's crazy. Well, Kimbo, he's a tough, obviously.

[B]

I mean, he was fighting just stand up only. He's very dangerous. Like, if he was involved in, like, if bare knuckle boxing was around back then, he would have been a huge star of bare knuckle box. He would have a lot of people up bare knuckle box boxing, but once you add in the wrestling and Kimbo had a bunch of knee injuries from football and, you know, it's. You can't really grapple at full capacity with knee injuries and learn grappling at 35 or however old he was. Yeah, but dude, kudos to that guy for having the courage to actually just get into the UFC Ultimate Fighter. That's crazy. With very little grappling against Roy, Nelson was a jiu jitsu Black belt, Henzo Gracie, black belt. Like, Roy Nelson's legit on the ground.

[A]

He was so fun.

[B]

He was so heavy too. Big old belly, hold people down.

[A]

And he was like. He would shout out burger. He'd go to Burger King after the fights and stuff.

[B]

He also could punch. Dude, that guy could punch. He had some of the craziest one punch knockouts ever.

[A]

What is that? Does that career amount to, like, does. Is he sitting on money now like a guy like that, or is he.

[B]

Like, oh, no, I haven't talked to Roy in forever. I don't know. He wound up fighting for a bunch of different organizations. You know, he left. When he left the ufc, I think he fought for Bellator. But that guy has some crazy highlight. He knocked out Shaub. One shot. He knocked out.

[A]

Oh, yeah, that's right.

[B]

We knocked out a lot of people, dude. He connect on people. They would go night night. It was nuts, man. He knocked out. He knocks out a lot of big tough dudes.

[A]

When anybody comes at shove, I'm always like, it's not even the, the wins. He's had more than I. I'm like, this guy's not afraid of you. Like, he's been punched by like the best. And like, I promise you, whatever you think he thinks you could do to him, it's not as bad as that.

[B]

He's been beaten up by world champions and he's knocked out world champ. He knocked out Mirko CRO Cop, which was crazy. Like, Mirko Crocop back in the day was the man.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

He was like the first elite kickboxer to really excel in mma. He was the first guy to show all these other strikers that you don't even know what you're talking about. When he started fighting in Pride, it was like, this is another level. He would kick people in the body and you would see, like, there's a photo of him, Keith kicking Heath Harig, and his shin is halfway into his rib cage. It's so nasty. When you look at the photo of it, you just go, the amount of power that that guy could generate in his kicks. Like, there was nobody like that before him in kickboxing or in MMA rather.

[A]

I felt so bad. The first, that first UFC coming back during quarantine was so important, everybody. I don't know if it was the first one or the second one that came out, but that was when I was like, man, you gotta really pick your timing and when you're gonna shout out what you're dedicating a fight to, because there's that poor guy. Like, he lost his stepdaughter. And then he came out, like, wearing the shirt of the stepdaughter who passed away. And it was all dedicated to her. I mean, you can see as Alistair Overeem beat him into submission with punches.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The referee was even kind of going like, come on, man, please try to fight back.

[B]

Right?

[A]

I said at the end, Alistair Overeem should have been like, it's okay, everybody. I was also fighting for his stepdaughter. Like, yay.

[B]

Yeah, it's tough.

[A]

I mean, but to shout that out, like, it's tough before. Yeah. Those are great YouTube compilations. The cocky fighter comes in the ring to get to lose.

[B]

Oh, there's always like, the guy pushes the guy at the weigh ins and starts shit at the weigh ins and gets knocked unconscious.

[A]

There was one, a guy came in the UFC cage. I forget who it was, but the way he entered the ring, like, he did a thing where he hung on the outside of the cage and like swung into the ring and did some crazy, like, move and then just. It was like an immediate knockout. It's like a 30 seconder.

[B]

Well, it's like you planning to talk to JLo, you just got to let things happen. You can't play, you can't plan.

[A]

Things happen.

[B]

The inauthenticity of your planning will come to haunt you.

[A]

Yeah. Also, the shit you talk through life is also in broadcasting. As you start to get guests sort of starts to haunt you. It's like the thing like, Howard Stern had to make a gazillion apologies. I assume by the time he. The. The guest, he got on. We've done it, man. We up so bad. We came in one day, we saw Brett Michaels in the fishbowl. It was when me and Soda were doing the show. Still the fishbowl. SiriusXM. It's like there's a studio that you could see into right in the front there where they'll do performances and stuff.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And we were up in the. In the Fishbowl one time. We saw Brett Michaels when we came in talking to somebody and then we go on air and almost like for the bit, we're like, how do we never get offered these guys? There's always like celebrities here. And they weren't even brought to us as we can get them. That's so fucking crazy. And I go, right now, as we speak, Bret Michaels is out there and we said something about like, his bandana being attached to his hair and like. And I think Soder said, like, they lower his Bandana and hair onto him like Darth Vader and just sits there and they lower it on and then they come back and they go. He said he's willing to come. Come in. So.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Then he comes in and he's lovely. This guy was making future promises with us of what stuff he wants to do with us and hang out and come be a part of his summer festival and broadcast from there because he loves us so much. But his manager was listening the whole time, and he said as soon as he left the studio, they went, those guys are not your friends. And you're like, ah.

[B]

He's got to understand. They didn't know you.

[A]

That's what it is. I've met.

[B]

Now they know you.

[A]

Cory Feldman hates my guts. And it's like, what you do? Well, I've never non stop talking about him.

[B]

I've seen the video.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. We've never seen.

[B]

Oh, yeah, you hate on his dancing. Yeah, Maybe it's getting better.

[A]

We're not even hating on it at all. I love it. I want to do nothing different. And I wish they tried. He tried to have us not allowed at his show when he opened for Limp Bizkit.

[B]

Not allowed.

[A]

Yeah. And this head of security was a fan. He came over to me and Bobby Kelly and he. He was like, yeah. He goes. He was asking if you guys were coming. I said yes. Then he asked if he could know where you were. Then he asked if we could not let you in. And I was like, well, they're not doing anything. Not threatening you or anything. They're coming to watch a show. And he was like, well, can I at least know where they're sitting at? And he goes, it'll be wherever the most excited people are. And son of a bitch. Were we. I mean, we were a sprout of grass on a dirt field of people. I mean, we were the only ones. We were hyped. I know all the words. He's the best. But that was the genius of Howard Stern that I fucked up. When I started getting into broadcasting, I broadcasted always, like, it was gonna be me talking to a friend or friends shooting the shit. Not that you're gonna come across these people. So I would have played more. What Howard Stern was always great at is like, take the lunatic. But he's always gonna be like, no, you're great, dude. You're the best. And let the world make the joke right. Instead, like, I go at it. But I was like, man, I would have loved to just have Corey Feldman come in bimonthly to do. Hey, you got a new song. Play it, dude. I'll bite my finger while I.

[B]

Poor Cory. Cory. The thing about Corey, that really does bother me, like, legitimately.

[A]

We were so happy.

[B]

Oh, this is him. Let me hear this.

[A]

He yells at his band.

[B]

Such a weird.

[A]

The guitar solo. He doesn't know how to play the guitar.

[B]

That's so crazy.

[A]

But he just does a solo.

[B]

How can you do a guitar solo if you don't know how to play a guitar? Does he actually not know how to play a guitar? Like, do you know how to play?

[A]

No, no, no. But you don't have to know how to play to know. He does not know how to play. I could do what he's doing for sure. Sure. But then here's what he did, you know, I don't know what the trickleback is, but I said after that was going viral, the guitar, I was like, why doesn't this guy just come out and say, like. Like, if. He's kind of like, no, I get it. I get the joke, too. Like, then it kind of like, puts people in there and stops them in their tracks. And then he kind of did that. He came back. He goes, of course. It's the worst guitar solo ever. Of course. That's why I'm doing it. Like, it's funny. And it's like, no. And Fred Durst came out to watch him do it to prove he was doing. Because Fred Durst is smart, like Howard Stern. He makes him think he's his friend. But he's a way bigger enemy than I could ever be to him because he's going like, dude, go make an ass of yourself in front of all these people.

[B]

He's a young star guy that grew up to become a man, and they're all weird. There's no way you could be a star at six years old and come out normal. You don't have a normal life. It's impossible.

[A]

Is there nobody?

[B]

I don't think there's one. Everyone that I've met. I mean, there's some really talented people like Miley Cyrus and people that were childhood stars that are cool to talk to and. But they struggle. It's a struggle. All of them struggle. Everybody struggles.

[A]

Like, Punky Brewster's probably fine right now.

[B]

I don't know. I don't even know what that is.

[A]

Punky Brewster. You don't remember that?

[B]

I don't remember.

[A]

So, Leo Moon Fry, she had the biggest titties when we were kids.

[B]

Yeah, that's right.

[A]

She made a great documentary A few years back.

[B]

That's right. But didn't. She became like a mom and got out of the business. Yeah, you can do that, but if you want.

[A]

Oh, you're saying if you try, if you're still. If you're still clamoring for the fame.

[B]

Yeah, but he. I don't. I mean, I don't know how many people came out of the fame as a young person and were fine, but the people that stay and keep doing it, they're not fine. Most of them. I mean, maybe there's a few. I mean, I'm not saying it's impossible to do, but I'm saying the challenge of becoming a normal person with, like, a normal view of the world when you know you're getting doted on when you're sick and you're the money maker in the house when you're a little kid, like, your parents stop working to manage you like that kind of like those Carter kids.

[A]

I mean, that's brutal. Aaron Carter kid was.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Lost. He's doing gay porn at the end. Not gay porn, but, like, gay, like, cam stuff.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah. Just whacking off on camera with face tattoos.

[B]

Like a boxing match against Lamar Odom.

[A]

Supposed to. I don't know if it ever ended up happening.

[B]

They did. I think they did. And it's so crazy because he's like this skinny guy with, like, not a muscle on his body. And Lamar Oldman used to play for the NBA. Isn't that true? They did have it. Yeah.

[A]

It did happen.

[B]

Yeah. Lamar just beats the brakes off.

[A]

I mean, you'd have to assume he's.

[B]

A former professional athlete. The fact that Chuck Liddell is the. Look at the size difference. This is so crazy. Look at him. He's trying to punch him. Aaron Carter's. He's letting him hit him. He just kind of. It touches him once. He's like, letting him hit him.

[A]

Oh, man, it's sad to watch.

[B]

It's almost like he looked like, oh, there he hit him on the left hand.

[A]

What's really sad about it is. Is people. Is it's not just people watching you fight that. That wigs me out so much. It's that there's something that knowing how to fight and the form of what you're doing looking any kind of good, especially if you're fight. Street fight. I mean, when they devolve into, like, you know, like, men swinging like this, you're like, oh, man, we really all suck at the end of the day at this. Like, it's so hard to keep like a. A fighter's composure on a street fight.

[B]

Especially if shit's going down. Yeah, Unless you do it all the time. I remember watching these two guys fight in front of the Comedy Store. And it was. It was across the street when the House of Blues was over there. So it was right in front in the parking lot. These guys start yelling at each other and blah, blah, blah. And they get out like almost in traffic. They're like on the sidewalk, like right where the street tumbles out. And I see these two guys facing off and I see the white guy. There's a, like a white guy and this looks like an out of shape African American fella. And the white guy starts swinging with. Almost like with his eyes closed. And then the bus goes in between them so I can't see them. And then as the bus goes, goes back, the white guy unconscious, flat on his back, spread eagle. And the black guy's already running away. He's out cold. They were just squabbling in front and I don't remember how it was. I just remember this. I remember this. And then the bus and then out cold.

[A]

Do you have to deal with. Because, I mean, I know from like when Lewis was working with Bisping and stuff and he'd go to Vegas, he'd be like, they were all surprised at how many drunk guys at the casino try to like give him shit.

[B]

Oh, there's a bunch of idiots.

[A]

I'll say. Do people come to you all the time? It's like, you know, you know, karate for real dudes thing.

[B]

If you hang out with enough drunks long enough, someone will just avoid those areas. Yeah, it's just, it's drunk people. But if you're one of them and you're hanging out and you're drinking with people. Yeah, there's a. But these people used to get stupid with Chocolate Dell. And Chocolate Dell was the Light Heavyweight Champion. And he was the scariest human on the planet. Planet. And people would get stupid with him. They're on coke. They don't know what they're doing. They're out of their minds.

[A]

You could win that fight.

[B]

People are probably up. They're all. They're crazy anyway. They're schizophrenic. People are. There's so many nuts out there in this world.

[A]

Most thing about fighting too is endurance. That's what most people don't have in any kind of fight. If it's not over in 30 seconds, everyone's holding each other. One of my favorite things I watch. I watch a Lot of like body characters, KM crime shit on YouTube. And there's one, it's a Key west, it's a couple. The guy's hammered. He essentially, he's got money for sure. This guy, he's just trying to pay his bill with a library card or something or he doesn't know what's going on. And he's barking at the staff and then someone on the staff pushes his face and then breaks into this melee. But it's 50 something year old white people getting into a fight. And one guy gets him in a side headlock, useless. And then they both sort of fall down. The husband and this guy who intervenes. And the guy who intervenes eventually puts his like legs, you know, puts in his hooks basically, but does do. Does nothing. Doesn't choke the guy out. And they're just kind of sitting there, two old exhausted guys, 10 minutes later, at least they get up and they kind of have like the. You're a. You're a kind of thing. And they leave. Then it cuts back to the, the cops outside and they want to talk to the guy who intervened, not mad at him. They just want to get his side of the story, what happened. And this guy is so just an old man and the cops are questioning him and they start to lose their patience because he just wants to keep telling his hero story. He just watched what happened. It's just two old men holding each other around. He goes, guy came out of nowhere and punched me. And I grew up doing this, man. So, you know, I told the guy, I go, you got two ways this can go tonight, man. He goes, you could, you could knock it off or I could beat the out of you.

[B]

He's telling this to the cops.

[A]

Yeah, you might be able to find it. We're very classy body cam. We're very classy people. Maybe, hopefully you could find it. But it's when he's telling the cop, then he goes, he's like, I told me I could beat the fuck out of. He goes, all right, so then you were able to like subdue him. He's like, yeah. He goes, I took him down. And I'm like. He goes, I don't want a problem with you. And I go, you, you want no parts of what I'm about to bring to you, my man. And it's all this, none of this happened. You just watched the video where you just grabbed them. They, they flopped on the ground and laid there exhausted for 10 minutes while the, while the lady screams. It's nothing. And it's just like. Just a guy talking with that. That belief. Yep. So this is the video.

[B]

Let me see some action.

[A]

So that's. That's just them getting on the ground. And he just puts the volume.

[B]

Will we get in trouble? Will we lose the YouTube rights? What happens? Okay, don't. Don't. Don't give me any volume, then.

[A]

Yeah, so that's them. You could fast forward. Yeah, they just stay there and eventually get up and have, like, the hands on each other. Yeah, they're up. No, wait. No, no. It's right after the video, but we're.

[B]

Not gonna be able to play it.

[A]

Oh, you can't play the audio?

[B]

No, they'll. They'll get us on YouTube. If you're commenting on it, it's commentary. Are you allowed to talk?

[A]

It's this guy, huh?

[B]

Yeah, I probably got punched some. Yeah. Jumped out of nowhere, giving to the employees. And I know. Just said, hey, you mind just right here? Yeah.

[A]

Okay. So were you the first one to.

[B]

Go ahead and grab them to try? No, my. I was probably the first guy. These guys with the waitress. Dude, what are you doing? The guy punched me. I said, dude, you don't want to get into this with me. I grew up doing this. I said, don't do it.

[A]

I drug him to the ground.

[B]

I said, you. You got two options. Either stop, or I'm going to beat the living out of you. Okay? So I said, that's how it's gonna go. And he said, I want a problem with you. I said, you want nothing to do with what I'm gonna bring to you?

[A]

Oh, yeah, no, it's right there. And then he goes ahead. But there's only one more thing where the cop cuts him off.

[B]

So you were on the ground with him, holding onto him? Yep. I held on to him and said, until.

[A]

Yeah, right there. The cop cuts him off. He doesn't want to hear what he says anymore. He goes, so you were able to get him on the ground? He goes, got him on the ground. And I said to me, he had him on the grounds. Like, stop telling. I mean, the way this guy speaks, it's like the Bushido code states that if the weapon is drawn, it must taste blood before put away.

[B]

This is hilarious. White people fighting.

[A]

That's what this is, hilarious. And it goes nowhere, where no one's.

[B]

Going to the ground. What's going on? This is a lie. Oh, here. Now they're on the ground.

[A]

But he's like, I drug him on the ground. Really? The husband drags him on the ground.

[B]

Technically, yeah, it's a disaster.

[A]

But tell us that. My friend Justin Silver used to have my favorite joke about that kind of personality, though. He's like. He's. Because I'm a liar, because I lie about everything. And he was like, I'm the guy who, like, you know, gets into a situation with somebody in the street, and then I don't do anything. And then I go home, shadow box and call my friends and tell them all the things that I wish I did. Like, it actually happened. And his line was, if I did all the things I told my friends I did, my name would be Indiana Bon Jovi. Balboa.

[B]

When you're a kid and you. You have a situation like that happen the rest of the day, you play it in your head, like, what I should have said. Oh, man, I wish I had another chance. I would have said, well, you. Because this and that.

[A]

Oh, it's the worst when it goes away. Yeah.

[B]

Internal dialogue things, like, for the rest of the day, what should I have said? And you, like, plot it out and plan and scheme.

[A]

I'll find him again one day.

[B]

One day I'm gonna.

[A]

I'll find that. That. I've done dumb things, though, where it's like, I don't even know. With no real trained preparation for any of these situations. But, like, I also. When I. I always had a car. And when you're younger and have a car, it's destroying you financially, usually, like, how much it costs to have a car and everything. So it means a lot to you, no matter how shitty it is when people would fucking hit my car. So New York's a big thing with that. You know, you stop short and a pedestrian just, like, you know, slaps the front of your car or something. Dude, to this day, I would get irate by that.

[B]

To this day, I think about one car guy. I had a little Honda crx, and I was driving in New York, and I was making my way into this intersection, and I got stuck in between lights. And then people started walking, and I tried to find, like, some space where I could not be in the intersection. There was a nice gap, and so this guy wasn't close to the car, so I started moving forward, and he whacks my car with a briefcase. And I was like, I'm gonna pull over. I'm gonna put this guy in the hospital. Hospital. This. This crazy, wild thought, like, I'm gonna pull over and I'm just gonna go smash this dude. And I said, no, just drive. Just drive. Just drive. And like, for years I would think about that guy. Yeah, for years. This arrogant. Hitting my car with a briefcase.

[A]

I have. It's what's. It's what unites me and Lewis. We both have a crazy need for justice.

[B]

That's why I like those stupid revenge movies.

[A]

It's this.

[B]

I just. So.

[A]

It's that. It's the thing. It's like the guy who did that thing. I have like a. I bet he won't do that anymore. I bet he won't do that anymore after I've sorted this situation out. But I mean, it's so dumb. Like, I mean.

[B]

And it's a dude thing, too.

[A]

Getting out of the car. I mean, one time so early when I was coming to New York and I. My what, became my ex wife. We were just dating at the time, in a car, driving a Saturn. Guy trying to impress two girls he's with. And he goes by, just like, slaps the front of the car. Car, and it stay. And then they walk into Washington Square park. And I like, just stewing in it. Like, I bark some shit out the window. No, no, no. For seconds I'm stewing in it. And then I pull over with my new girlfriend. I go, wait here. And she goes, what? And then I begin to run after this guy into the park. What I'm not thinking about is as I'm running, when I finally find this guy on the other side of Washington Square Park. I turn around, dude, he could have pushed me over with a feather. I was like, what's up, you. You want to slap your scars? And luckily, I. I just scared him with my size, I guess, ultimately, or something, because, like, he didn't do anything. But I was like, as soon as I got there and spun this guy around, I'm like, I'm done. I'm so exhausted from running. I never run. I sprinted to find him without thinking that I'm giving all my energy to that run. And I'm like, you need like a.

[B]

Half hour to recover.

[A]

Just hit my car, man. And he was like, luckily, like, apologetic and like, whoa, dude, I don't want any trouble. You're like, ain't right. You don't want any trouble. It's a. I took 10 extra minutes walking back to the car, leaving my girlfriend in the car because I didn't want her to see how heavy I was breathing. I had to get it all back together and just come back to the car and be like, scared that.

[B]

Such a dumb thing to do because you could do it to the wrong guy. I Watched.

[A]

My instincts are terrible on it because I do. I don't get out thinking like. And then as soon as someone pull out a gun, I'd be like, none of this was worth it. Guy just slapped my car.

[B]

Every now and then you'll see someone do something stupid. And the person they're doing it to actually knows how to fight. Those are very satisfying.

[A]

So satisfying.

[B]

Yeah, there's a one with cops. Check the. Terence McKinney, the UFC fighter, put it up on his Instagram page today. So this cop tries a shitty double leg on this guy, and the guy knew how to fight. And the guy sprawls and the cop tries to hit him and the guy cracks him and the guy tries to tell him, hey, stop. And then the cop. Watch this. Like, look at the cop shoots a shitty double. Nice brawl. Look at this. Pushes him off. He's got him in a headlock, lets him go. Cop punches. Bam. Drops him with one shot. Hits him a couple more times, hits him again. Rock rocks him. The cop is the cops getting.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

And the guy wasn't doing it. He was just arguing with the cops. I don't know if that was a cop. Is that a cop?

[A]

It's some kind of like security something.

[B]

He's got a badge and he's wearing white gloves.

[A]

Gloves.

[B]

The gloves are. He gets his dukes up. Like, both of them. He had some training, but he massively overestimated his ability. Look at this shitty double leg. Me. See the. Show me that shitty double leg again. Watch this shitty double. Look at that. Terrible. No drive at all. Scared of the concrete. So he's trying to double leg without his knees going to the ground. He doesn't want to really drive forward.

[A]

There's a great video of a very in shape cop and he's going at it with a teenager who's really talking and he's like. He's like a wiggery kid doing like a. Yo, man. What? To take off that badge, you know what's up? Take off that badge. Take off the vest, boy. You know what? And he keeps going to him and the cops eventually like, hey, you keep balling up your fists, man. Like, what are you doing? Just relax. Like, I'm just. What are you doing here? I'm just seeing who everybody is, you know, he's like, yeah, you know what's up, pussy? Take that vet. And he just. When he gets in his face one time, he just grabs him by the shoulders, puts his foot behind it, I mean, places him on the concrete. And how fast the Kid's like, oh, okay. Whoa. We got a little nuts back there, huh?

[B]

I saw that one. Yeah, those are fun. Well, kids are.

[A]

And fat women getting tasered. That's my other favorite thing.

[B]

I bet that young man was under 20, 25.

[A]

Oh, no doubt.

[B]

His brain was mush.

[A]

No doubt.

[B]

And then.

[A]

But it was funny when they have to come back and they go, I was being crazy back there.

[B]

That's why they send those young boys.

[A]

Out to war, because they're all pissing vinegar.

[B]

All piss and vinegar with a non fully deformed brain. Yeah, Non fully formed brain. They just take that gun and here's some meth. Let's go.

[A]

There's a guy in the audience. Last night we did story wars at Mothership and there's a guy in the front who wears a brace around his body. Like, we asked him why he was stabbed in Afghanistan. Hand to hand combat.

[B]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

It was a gunfight and ended up being hand to hand combat. He said he beat. He knocked the guy down. Didn't confirm that he was out. And then when he took his attention away, the guy reached up and said, stabbed him right in the fucking chest. Basically pretty wild. And we were like. And we're looking at this guy, we go, in Afghanistan, he was 18. When he was 18.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I think he said the 16 year old was the kid. The kid who stabbed him was 16.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

Such a wild thing. It's intense.

[B]

It's a little too intense. Don't get in fights, kids. That's our message.

[A]

Right? If you can avoid it.

[B]

Absolutely. I've avoided all of them.

[A]

I thought, I tried to. I got into a thing, a road rage thing where I knocked a guy out. He wasn't very big. And I basically got out of the car and he was. Right away, didn't want to do anything. And I mushed his face. He was drunk and I kept mushing his face until he would throw a drunken punch. And then I hit him and I caught him. Only time in a fight in my life where I caught him first shot and he literally like folded on the ground. And then I got my car, drove away with my current girlfriend Christine. And when we. We got like a few blocks away, my, you know, my adrenaline started going down. I was like. And so, so jokingly almost I just look at her and I. I kissed my bicep. Like one shot and she goes, she goes. She was like really pissed. Like she didn't think it was funny or anything. And I was like. But it wasn't even like Kind of hot that I just knocked that guy out one shot. And she was like, no, like, what if you killed him? Like, his head bounced off the ground, like, what? It's all for what? And I was like, that is a great point. I guess it's a real good. Oh, my God, what a great point. Because, I mean, I'm walking away from that, like. Like, hey, I didn't even get touched. And I got sweet, beautiful justice, you know, the way I'm always searching for. And she was like, no, what if you killed him? And I'm like, yeah, there is a point there.

[B]

I should think about that with that guy.

[A]

Yourself getting killed. What if you kill somebody?

[B]

Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah. You never punch somebody in the face on the concrete if you can. Like a good trained fighter probably punching the body.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just because they don't want to go to jail forever. One of Kevin James friends went to jail for like seven years. Years. He was a bouncer at a nightclub in Long Island. Knocked a guy out. The guy falls, hits his head, dies. Happens.

[A]

Yeah, but like, didn't Harry Houdini get killed from a gut shot, something like that? Yeah, a punch to the stomach. He died days later. Yeah, because like, an organ busted. You never think about that. You want to give everything you got to a face punch. And then you're like, boy, I sure hope I don't blind him forever. These are all things could happen.

[B]

All things that could happen. All right, Jay, I love you to death. Let's wrap this up.

[A]

Can I plug? Yeah, please do, Mike. First half, double crowd work special go. Them is currently out. Second half, they is coming at 420. All done at. At the. Done for comedy work. So thank.

[B]

We're almost one of the best clubs on earth. That club rules.

[A]

That club is so great.

[B]

It's so good.

[A]

Well, you guys do the same thing. Everyone's facing forward.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And yonder bags.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I thought about that when I was designing my club. I was almost going to do the seats. Like, she has them when they're all locked down.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wendy's the best. Shout out to Wendy. We love her. All right. Thank you, brother.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Bye, everybody.