#2436 - Whitney Cummings

Summary

The Joe Rogan Experience #2436: Whitney Cummings

Release Date: January 10, 2026
Host: Joe Rogan
Guest: Whitney Cummings
(Please note: The transcript erroneously lists Bert Kreischer as the guest, but based on episode context and structure, this is a Whitney Cummings interview. The summary below focuses on discussion, insights, and tone depicted during the episode.)

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Episode Overview

This episode is a no-holds-barred, riff-filled conversation between Joe Rogan and Whitney Cummings (with appearances by Jamie and references to Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura), diving into childhood nostalgia, dangerous toys, societal evolution, health myths and science, social media culture, charity fraud, AI, the corruption of institutions, and the shifting grounds of comedy and American identity. The hosts maintain their trademark irreverent, skeptical, and candid comedic lens, moving rapidly through a variety of topics while dropping both humorous and insightful asides.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Dangerous Childhoods and “Safer” Modern Times

• The duo swap wild tales of the dangerous toys, games, and practices of their childhoods (e.g., candy cigarettes, licking 9-volt batteries, lawn darts, playing with glue, lawn darts fatalities, pogo sticks, trampolines with metal coils, and radioactive chemistry sets from the 1950s).

• Parallels are drawn between past risks and today's concerns with screens and technology.

  • Quote:
    "It is wild how like—the phones, obviously very bad for kids. But when you think about the stuff we did as kids... like, I would just hang out with a light socket for, like, two hours."
    — Bert Kreischer [02:18]

• The show highlights changing societal priorities about child safety and the slow evolution of regulations for dangerous products.

  • Lawn darts officially only caused three reported child deaths, but “way more than is reported for sure.”
    — Bert Kreischer [04:02]

2. Generational Shifts, Diagnoses, and Pharma

• Discussion about the explosion in ADHD and Adderall prescriptions, alongside skepticism about over-diagnosis and the pharmaceutical industry’s motivations.

  • Quote:
    "Are we gonna look back, the way that we look at like, you know, the Nazis and go like, they were on meth. Are we gonna look back in like 20 years and be like, everyone was on Method."
    — Bert Kreischer [06:37]

• American versus European (especially Finnish) approaches to childhood learning and focus, with a tongue-in-cheek debate about whether delayed academics or earlier reading is more beneficial to children.

• Technology’s impact on knowledge retention and attention span—can “mom brain” be a software update for discarding outdated information?

3. Food Scams, Nutrition Fads & “The Science Is Fake”

• Deep skepticism about food guidelines, the food pyramid, and sponsored nutritional studies.

  • The Kellogg’s legacy: Cereal originally invented to “stop kids from getting horny.” [24:22]
  • Critique of breakfast cereals replacing nutritious options and the absurdities of studies crediting sugar cereals as “healthier than beef.”

• The dangers of blindly trusting nutrition and science authorities:

  • “Andrew Huberman was having a conversation with a professor at Stanford and he said, what percentage of what’s in medical journals and what’s taught in school is no longer applicable? He said at least 50%.”
    — Tom Segura [20:22]

4. Diet Wars, Plant Toxins, Pesticides, and “Mother’s Intuition”

• Debates about carnivore vs. plant-based diets, anti-nutrients, pesticides on commercial produce, and trusting bodily cravings during pregnancy.
  • Carnivore advocates’ focus on oxalates, lectins, glyphosate, and other plant toxins.
  • Personal anecdotes about food aversions during pregnancy and the possible evolutionary or biological reasons why.

5. Social Media & Meme Culture

• The evolution of humor from stand-up stages and writers’ rooms to anonymous memes and 'normies' who go viral with zero training.
• The downside of meme culture: joke theft scandals (Fat Jewish, etc.), the corporatization and monetization of virality.

6. Online Hate, Polarization, and the Value of Anonymity

• The duality of social media giving everyone a voice (for better or worse) and how online heckling is becoming a modern version of public shaming—yet far less brutal than historical alternatives (Roman Colosseum, public hangings).

  • Quote:
    “This is the most humane version of publicly shaming people we’ve done thus far. It’s just like ‘you suck.’”
    — Bert Kreischer [47:39]

• Arguments against banning anonymous speech (the importance of whistleblowers).

• Comparing negative comments with the brutal but constructive banter comics share among themselves in green rooms.

7. Charity, Politics, and Non-Profit Scams

• Detailed, skeptical breakdown of where charity donations (especially disaster relief and homelessness funds) actually go, exposing the ease with which money is siphoned for salaries, political advocacy, and podcasts (re: LA Fire concert).
  • “Why are you giving them bonuses? Half a million dollars.” — Tom Segura [53:37]
  • “Charities are such a scam because it’s like, well, no, this is where our taxes should be going...” — Bert Kreischer [57:42]

8. Fraud, Scams, and Absurd Grift in American Institutions

• The show riffs on elaborate frauds—from fake daycares in Minnesota to stolen daycare/Medicaid cash, the Somali community, and government money laundering.
• Reflections on the cultural and political factors that allow and perpetuate these schemes, and jokes about how the scammers can’t even be discreet with their newfound wealth.
  • “This guy shows up at his fucking daycare in a Rolls Royce.”
    — Tom Segura [62:24]

9. Health, Wellness, and “Stuff That Used to Kill Us”

• Revisiting historic examples of ignorance about toxins (shoe store x-ray machines, radium girls, tin-man from Wizard of Oz) and ongoing skepticism about what dangers we’re still unaware of in our modern world (WiFi, blue light, chemical exposure from beauty products, botox, etc.).
  • Entertaining riffing on gendered beauty practices (Botox for men, red light therapy, natural vs. artificial aging).

10. Physicality, Testosterone, and Male/Female Maturation

• Stereotypes about men, testosterone, physical and intellectual pursuits, and what defines “real” intelligence or wisdom.
• The evolution of manual labor, the rise of AI, and what constitutes a “dangerous job” in modernity: Is sitting at a desk all day the new toxic labor?
• Praise for hard, hands-on work and the value of learning through struggle.

11. Team Sports vs. Fighting: The Tribal Urge

• Loving competition for its communal, transcendent feeling: “we” in team sports vs. isolation of individual fighting.
• Football’s energy, comeback narratives, and the physical/emotional stakes of violence as entertainment.

12. Humanity, AI, and the Future

• Philosophical musings on whether math is discovered or invented (“The universe is made out of the thing we invented to measure it”) [170:53]
• If AI governed, would it do a better job than humans, or simply adopt our worst traits?
• Evolution of American identity: waves of immigrants, religious freedom, grit, and cultural assimilation.

13. Comedy Today, Work-Life Balance, and the Mental Toll

• The pressures and delusions of always-on performance for comics in the social media age.
• Why being present, processing adversity, and maintaining non-transactional relationships matter for comics and regular folks alike.
• Wokeness, free speech, and defending comedy's role in challenging cultural dogma.
  • "Do people look at hippies like this in the 70s?... CIA tricked the...hippies into doing all that Manson stuff..." — Tom Segura [190:29]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Childhood Dangers:
  “A light socket, paper clip, that’s all I needed.”
  — Bert Kreischer [02:18]

• On Pharma and Mental Health:
  “I think a lot of our superpowers are being dulled by pharma. And we’re being pathologized for actually kind of extreme strengths.”
  — Bert Kreischer [08:07]

• On Social Media Hate:
  “Sometimes I forget that when I’m hanging out with normies, you know, and I’ll just drop a bomb…They’re like, ‘what the fuck did you just say?’”
  — Tom Segura [40:43]

• On Charity and Government:
  “Our charity culture is really weird because of USAID...a lot of it is about overthrowing foreign governments. A lot of it is about funding these NGOs that are supposedly nonprofit but people extract the money out of them.”
  — Tom Segura [58:23]

• On Knowledge and Wisdom:
  “Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.”
  — Bert Kreischer [168:22]

• On Tech and Memory:
  “They call photos ‘memories’ because your memories are in there, they’re not in your head.”
  — Bert Kreischer [206:18]

• On the Modern World:
  “We’re all trying to get along together, you know, and if one of us isn’t, it becomes transactional. It starts feeling weird.”
  — Tom Segura [187:17]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Dangerous Childhoods, Candy Cigarettes & Toys: [00:14–06:00]
• Pharma, ADHD, Adderall and Modern Diagnoses: [06:00–10:42]
• Nutrition Myths, Cereal, and Food Pyramid Critique: [20:22–24:22]
• Carnivore Diet, Plant Toxins, and Pesticides: [29:00–34:41]
• Social Media, Meme Culture, and Joke Theft: [12:53–16:22]
• Social Media Hate vs. Public Shaming: [46:06–50:02]
• Charity and Disaster Funds Scams: [52:07–57:52]
• Minnesota Daycare Fraud, Cash Smuggling, and Political Connections: [59:56–77:30]
• Psychedelics, CIA History, and Cultural Control: [190:26–193:56]
• Discussion of Math as Universal Language: [170:24–177:05]
• Debating Physical Labor, AI & Desk Jobs: [151:02–154:41]
• Comedy, Present Moment, and Work-Life Balance: [187:17–188:41]

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Tone & Language

The episode is marked by relentless, quick-witted banter, playful intellectual skepticism, and bold critiques of authority. The hosts are unfiltered, irreverent, and lean heavily on humor, personal anecdotes, and rapid-fire cultural references. It’s a blend of deep cynicism, genuine curiosity, and hard-won wisdom beneath layers of absurdity.

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In Summary

Joe Rogan and Whitney Cummings deliver an engrossing, oft-hilarious, sometimes sobering tour of America’s evolving culture of risk, the lunacy of past and present trends, the perils of social media and institutional rot, and the resilience of comedy and human connection. The episode blends nostalgia, biting satire, and earnest questioning, perfect for listeners who want laughter with a sharp edge of insight.

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For more:

• Joe Rogan Experience Podcast on Spotify
• Whitney Cummings’ latest tour dates and projects via her Twitter/X and website

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

Joe Rogan podcast. Check it out. The Joe Rogan experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. That's just for Dice to hold.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he just holds on to him. Oh, and he. He holds on to him. Then he swaps him out for a new one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Was the unlit cigarette like the original fidget spot?

[Tom Segura]

Well, most people don't do it because most people, when they have a cigarette in their hand, they want to light it, but Dice has got the ability to just hold on to the cigarette.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you remember when candy cigarettes were a toy for kids?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I had those. Oh, yeah. They were priming you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Totally. And they would poof. Like, sugar would come out.

[Tom Segura]

No, I don't remember that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, you go. And, like, powdered sugar would come out. Really? Yeah. Am I right, Jamie? Am I making that up?

[Tom Segura]

I remember them just being like a candy that you saw.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that just the cocaine my stick parents put on it?

[Tom Segura]

It was just a candy stick, chalk stick. Maybe there was. Maybe there was a different one. Maybe there's more than one kind of candy cigarette.

[Bert Kreischer]

Couldn't you. There was, like, gummy cigars, I remember. And then the candy cigarettes. That must have been them. Just trying to get you addicted to just, like, the motion of it or, like, participate with your parents or something.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It was just a way to sell candy, but probably also engineered by the tobacco companies. That was back when they were l. About cigarettes being addictive, too, and causing cancer.

[Bert Kreischer]

They used to prescribe it to pregnant women. Right.

[Tom Segura]

They just prescribe it for kids with asthma. Yeah. Need to strengthen those lungs up, fella.

[Bert Kreischer]

And this is my favorite thing. Did they know? They already knew.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they already knew.

[Bert Kreischer]

They already knew.

[Tom Segura]

Everybody had to know. You smoke cigarettes for a while, you start coughing up black, you feel terrible.

[Jamie]

According to the Internet, this. This pack did have some sort of Would blow smoke, according to this person on Facebook.

[Tom Segura]

Whoa.

[Jamie]

I remember a play lighter. Or a lighter battery.

[Tom Segura]

So a battery.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know what that is. Smoke that would suck on this battery.

[Tom Segura]

What the.

[Bert Kreischer]

As kids, we would suck on actual batteries. We didn't need one to come.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. Remember when you lick them, dude, we went to.

[Bert Kreischer]

To try to, like, square ones.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, the nine volts.

[Bert Kreischer]

We'd be at school, just, like, lick it, Lick it, lick it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we would lick it just to get a jolt in your tongue.

[Bert Kreischer]

It is wild how like. Like, yes, the phones, obviously very bad for kids. But when you think about the stuff we did as kids, I was just like, I would just hang out with A light socket for, like, two hours. That's all I needed. A paperclip light socket. Like a light socket or like a. Yeah, the electric socket. Electric socket.

[Tom Segura]

You would go into an electric socket with a paperclip.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did no one else do this?

[Tom Segura]

That's really bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you inhale glue or.

[Tom Segura]

No. Oh, I sniffed it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Rubber cement. Yeah. Okay, good. I'm like, okay.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I used to love making models. I used to make, like, Godzilla models. You know those. Remember those models? Yeah, you had rubber cement glue. Remember those?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. You would in Elmer's too. You could peel it off your skin. We just put it on our skin and just peel it off.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just like a leprosy fetish or something.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, with the. The rubber cement glue was a big one, though. A lot of people sniff glue.

[Bert Kreischer]

We used to have a glue gun. My mom had a glue gun.

[Tom Segura]

For what?

[Bert Kreischer]

Like a hot glue gun. To craft. Crafts. Arts crafts.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Kill men. I don't know. When you look back at shit your parents did, you're like, what was that?

[Tom Segura]

What? Were you interested?

[Bert Kreischer]

Why did she have powdered gold and put it in coffee of the men she was dating? What was that but, like, a GL glue gun? Like, there's just so much dangerous. Growing up. When I think about my, like, injuries as a kid, I'm like, yeah, I got burned on the glue gun. Everyone's like, huh?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. They weren't looking out for kids back then. Like, when did they start, like, worrying about dangerous toys?

[Bert Kreischer]

I. I mean, after, like, the 50th lawn dart, you know, aorta puncture.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I remember lawn darts. Those are crazy. Just throwing, like, weapon. And they were heavy. If they hit you in the head, you would die, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just like, tetanus right in the heart.

[Tom Segura]

Let's. Let's look this up. How many people do you think have died from lawn darts?

[Bert Kreischer]

Way more than is reported for sure.

[Tom Segura]

Right, right, right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm just putting this here so I don't.

[Tom Segura]

It has to be dozens.

[Bert Kreischer]

And seesaws.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

You remember seesaws? No seat belt? No, just. Just plywood with handles.

[Tom Segura]

With a handle.

[Bert Kreischer]

But we would also. It's such a testament to our nature because we would make it even more dangerous. Like, remember, like, you'd be on the seesaw, like, if you were up. I would. You'd, like, jump off it.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

To watch the kid.

[Tom Segura]

Just to watch the kid fucking plummet to the earth.

[Bert Kreischer]

So sadistic. Just careen to the ground.

[Tom Segura]

What is our sponsor? Perplexity said pointed metal lawn darts Were officially linked to three child deaths in the United States before they were banned. Just three, definitely more than that. Officially linked from 78 to 86. Approximately 6,100 to 6,700 people were treated in US emergency rooms for lawn dart injuries. Were most of them children. Found L dart injuries led to a 4% case fatality rate in its patient sample with many severe head and eye injuries with help which helped justify the eventual ban.

[Bert Kreischer]

So only a couple a. But mostly children. I would like to know the story of the adults, but I mean, people.

[Tom Segura]

Hit people with shovels like. Like. Yeah, I guess because lawn darts are a toy that they had abandoned.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, there was a lot of that. Remember? What are the pogo sticks?

[Tom Segura]

Mm.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, those were so dangerous when you think about. They were just like. They were just like always.

[Tom Segura]

They still have those though.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pogo sticks. Those were hard to do.

[Jamie]

The most dangerous toys for kids.

[Bert Kreischer]

Trampolines. Remember the ones with the metal coils?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, did you ever see the Atomic energy lab in the 1950s?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It actually had legitimate radioactive material.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love that. They were like, you know what, guys? Child labor. This. This is inhumane. This is wrong. Come go play with some toys. Here's a radioactive uranium bomb.

[Tom Segura]

Well, didn't Michio Kaku make a. Some sort of a reactor in his basement or his backyard or something like that when he was a child? When he was in high school? Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Legend.

[Tom Segura]

Well, he's like a legitimate scientist, but I mean, when he was a child, he made a fucking nuclear reactor in his backyard.

[Bert Kreischer]

I went to get nyquil or Sudafed the other day and they made me show my id.

[Tom Segura]

Oh yeah, because you can make meth with it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right? Right, right, right. Sick.

[Tom Segura]

Meanwhile, you can get a prescription for Adderall. You just say you have adhd.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't even think you have to do that. You just have to be like, I'm bored.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm neurodivergent. Yeah, right.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, it's all self diagnosed. I can't concentrate.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are we gonna look back the way that we look at like, you know, the Nazis and go like they were on meth. Are we gonna look back in like 20 years and be like, everyone was on Method.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, everyone's on Adderall, that's for damn sure. I mean, the amount of journalists that are on Adderall is off the charts. A friend of mine was telling me like all of his colleagues take Adderall.

[Bert Kreischer]

To help him work.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, because they have so many projects that they're doing. That require intense research.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're googling saying, chat GPT, please write my article for me. Did you see, I think it was the New York Times or someone left in. Jamie, do you remember the prompt that ends the. You know what it spits out on chatgpt?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, God.

[Bert Kreischer]

To prove that they had just copy and pasted it like wild.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, well, there's a lot of that. There's a lot of shitty people in every walk of life. There's bad doctors, bad plumbers, bad journalists. But a lot of them are on Adderall. A lot of them are on speed.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's just that there's so much adrenaline out there to get. There's so many, like, natural ways, I feel like, to get that, you know?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But I don't think it covers it. I think if you really want to, like, sit in front of that fucking computer and bang out words, it seems like Adderall is the way to go.

[Bert Kreischer]

But if you really do have ADD or whatever, this is like, I'm the first to say, like, what are all these diagnoses? But because I was prescribed 5mg, slow release Adderall to sleep.

[Tom Segura]

To sleep.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you actually have it, it calms you down. It doesn't amp you up.

[Tom Segura]

What is it? What is this adhd?

[Bert Kreischer]

The inability to focus or.

[Tom Segura]

It's not real.

[Bert Kreischer]

A busy brain. Dude, I. Look, I just. I think a lot of our superpowers are being dull. A lot of people with superpowers are being dulled by pharma. And we're being pathologized for actually kind of extreme strengths, you know, in a lot of ways.

[Tom Segura]

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[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, good. I'm not like a.

[Tom Segura]

No, like, not legitimate. Psychologists, neuroscientists, it's. What it is, is you can't concentrate on things you're not interested in, but you can concentrate on things you're interested in, like, heavily. Like, if people that are. That supposedly have ADHD, they can play video games for fucking 10 hours.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's exactly right.

[Tom Segura]

Well, how come? Because it's exciting.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, they can't sit in a classroom and watch them play pedophile lecture them on fake history while they're getting hemorrhoids and some, like, chair with, like, shitty lighting above them. I mean, it's like, yeah, of course kids are bored. Of course they can't sit still.

[Tom Segura]

Exactly.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know. Well, it was. I was reading about how Finland, they don't teach their kids to read until they're like, seven because it's better to have them develop their ability to focus first on the things they want to do. So by the time they do learn to read, they actually, you know, can focus.

[Tom Segura]

Sounds like a terrible idea. You're going to be so far behind my kids.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, yeah. I mean, look, kids in America learn.

[Tom Segura]

How to read when they're little babies.

[Bert Kreischer]

If at all. If at all. Like, I mean, yeah, that's the other thing. When it's like, don't teach kids to read. It's like, by that time, is Knurling just gonna learn to read for them? Who knows? It's interesting. Like, having a kid now. I'm like, what do I. What world do I prepare them for? Do I even teach them Mandarin? Or is that just gonna be like. Remember when you two just put a song on our phone? That was so weird.

[Tom Segura]

Well, that was Apple's idea. And, you know, I talked to Bono about that. He was. You know, it was devastating for them because all of a sudden, everyone hated you, too. They used to love you, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

They had so many hits. They're so good. And then all of a sudden, you, why are you on my phone?

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that interesting, the human nature of, I love something unless you force it on me?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Well, it's just people are always looking for a reason to complain. And if you have this song on your phone, right away, like, hey, these guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

But also, I want to hunt. Let me find it. Let me feel like I discovered something.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I think they just thought it would be a great way to promote this new album, and they just really didn't understand human nature.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's also. Yeah, it used to be, like, if you saw five billboards for something, you're like, I gotta see that movie. Now you see, like, five ads for it, and you're like, why are you trying so hard? Like, if it's good, I'll hear about it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I try to tell that to my friends. Like, do not get overexposed. Like, there's a re. I mean, I don't just say no to everything because I'm not interested in doing anything more.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But it's also because I'm clearly overexposed, and you got to know when you're overexposed. But I have friends that, like, they'll do every foging interview that anybody asks, do every project that comes up. They never have any time. Like, I got to slow down. Yeah, you got to slow down. Like, why are you doing all this shit? You're already wealthy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Why are you doing this?

[Bert Kreischer]

Be a little mysterious.

[Tom Segura]

Live a fucking life. That's. Live a life on top of what you're doing. Live an actual life. Don't wait until you're 60 and go, what did I do?

[Bert Kreischer]

Right. Even if it's for. If you need to justify it through workaholic purposes. Like, it took me so long to get out of my workaholism the first time, I had to do it by justifying it, by going, I'll be better at my work if I have a life. Like, for art, to imitate life, you have to have a life. That's how I'm gonna go get stories. That's how I'm go. You know, I think, especially as a comic now, there's a lot of funny people out there. I think if we've learned anything from memes and stuff, you're like, I don't this guy just works at Best Buy. And who made this meme? This is hilarious. You know, I think in the beginning, a lot of it was, like, stolen from comics. Remember, like that fat Jewish.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. Whatever happened to that guy?

[Bert Kreischer]

There was another one too.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know, but he was stealing memes or he was stealing jokes and turning them into memes.

[Bert Kreischer]

There was a couple where you would go, like, that's a Mitch Heberg joke. Like, that's definitely a Steven Wright joke or Dimitri or something, but like Zach Galifianakis or it would be lesser known comics, you know, like, they'd go to a lesser known comic feed. Like people that wrote for Fallon or Leno who'd, you know, go to a.

[Tom Segura]

Showcase night at the store or, like, get their tweets.

[Bert Kreischer]

You can just pull their tweets and change them a little bit.

[Tom Segura]

Whatever happened to that guy? Because he was hated. Boy, when he got started getting exposed, he was hated. And then he just kind of vanished.

[Bert Kreischer]

There was another huge. For a while, it was another one too, and I don't remember the name of it that was doing the same exact thing.

[Tom Segura]

But the fat Jewish guy almost seemed like he was like a corporate created entity. He had, like, the crazy hair, right? That weird fucking bun.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was like a slob, Like. But he had, like, a wine like, it.

[Jamie]

Sold it to Anheuser Busch for millions of dollars.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know how much.

[Jamie]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

What did he sell?

[Jamie]

A rose. Rose, right?

[Tom Segura]

What is rose?

[Jamie]

It's a type of wine. But actually, that's actually what the brand was called, though.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, no, no. I know what rose is.

[Bert Kreischer]

My heart cannot take.

[Jamie]

He made a rose called what?

[Bert Kreischer]

The rose.

[Tom Segura]

I know the wine is called Babe.

[Jamie]

I see that now. His rose company called Babe.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, so he sold his wine and then he just like, I'm out for millions.

[Jamie]

And now.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jamie]

Says he's about to open a bank.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, where do I sign up?

[Tom Segura]

Whatever. It must be hilarious if he's opening up a bank. Definitely didn't steal those jokes. Yeah, Most. Most really hilarious people want to open a fucking bank.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love that. He's just like, I'm Jewish. What am I good at? Open a bank.

[Tom Segura]

Like, what? I was not even Jewish exactly. Baptist or something. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jews are like, we're not fat. What is it like, get your shit together. But also. Yeah, that was so, like, for a second there, I was like, joe, there's a chance he doesn't know what rose is.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, no, no. I know what that Is, you know, I just thought it was a company.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's what, like, the Rainy Street Killer gives his victims before pushing him up. Dude, your boy Brandon over here. I was like, what's up with the Rainy Street Killer? I always want the updates on the Austin serial killer who's pushing gay dudes off bridges. And he said he's like, I think it's tech. Tech guys, they come down from San Francisco during South by Southwest, and he strikes when it's like a tech conference.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

And he doesn't live here. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

They're trying to pretend that it's not really a serial killer. The cops want to say it's not really a serial killer. And I'm like, how many guys have to drown before you start getting nervous?

[Bert Kreischer]

So they're only gay that these guys.

[Tom Segura]

Well, it's a gay neighborhood. That's the thing. Not all of Rainey street, but there's a lot of, like, gay bars and gay spots on Rainey Street.

[Bert Kreischer]

How do the cops know the victims are gay? They just know them. They just check their assholes. They're like, hey, like, I fucked his. I fucked the corpse's asshole. He's gay.

[Tom Segura]

They bring a dilator.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, I've seen that guy in Grindr.

[Tom Segura]

He is gay.

[Bert Kreischer]

That reminds me of, like, the Nazi. It's been 10 minutes, and I brought up Nazis twice. The Nazis also killed gay people. And, like, I'm obsessed with how there were Nazis that had to find out who was gay.

[Tom Segura]

So did Christians.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, really?

[Tom Segura]

Of course. It's in the Bible.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I just fucked these guys. They are gay. Let's get them.

[Tom Segura]

In the old days, in the Bible, if a man layeth with another man, you're supposed to be put to death.

[Bert Kreischer]

That means, like, someone signed up to be like, I'll do it. I'll. I'll investigate who's gay around here.

[Tom Segura]

Well, the thing is, though, they were all gay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's the crazy thing. Like, if you go back in history, guys were fucking each other all the time. The Spartans did it. They had a philosophy that you would defend your lover more because, like, if you were fighting alongside a man that you loved, you would defend him more.

[Bert Kreischer]

Was it love? Is that what love is? I'm still trying to figure it out.

[Tom Segura]

Everybody's got their own definition for that. Like, what is it? Yeah. Love is mysterious.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a. That's wild. I always am. Like, what are the things we're doing now that we're going to look back in 50 years and be like, remember, in 2006, when they were doing that.

[Tom Segura]

Trans surgeries. 100%, especially on children also having phones.

[Bert Kreischer]

24, 7. Phones will be like. Cigarettes will be like.

[Tom Segura]

No, no. It'll be in your body by then.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, right.

[Tom Segura]

It'll be fun. They'll be laughing. Remember you used to have to carry your phone around? Right. Back in my day.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right, right, right.

[Tom Segura]

You could leave your phone at a restaurant.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right. Remember when you couldn't just print from your mouth?

[Tom Segura]

Mm. Remember when you could find a phone and just make calls from it because there was no passwords? You found someone's flip phone, you just open that up and start calling people. Yeah. You have to shut your phone off. You'd have to go to the Verizon store and go, hey, shut my fucking phone off.

[Bert Kreischer]

And by then it was just calling China.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that was the other thing. You would have roaming charges. Do you remember those?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. Also remember when you lost your phone? And that was it.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now I can find my phone within my own house. It'll tell me what room it's in.

[Tom Segura]

Well, not only that, if I don't find my phone, I could just go to the Apple Store and my phone is in the cloud, and then instantaneously, I get a new phone that's the same phone as my old phone with all my messages, all my notes, which is even more. My notes are more important than my messages because I keep so many material ideas.

[Bert Kreischer]

But you back them up.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. Always. This episode is brought to you by Visible. Have you heard of Visible? It's the one line wireless with unlimited data and hotspot for 25amonth, taxes and fees included, all on Verizon's 5G network. It's the ultimate wireless hack to save money and still get great coverage and a reliable connection. Got a resolution to save? Kick 2026 off right now. For a limited time, new members can get the Visible plan for just $19 a month for the first 26 months. Ring in the new year with code. Switch 26, share the savings with a deal that's too good to keep quiet. Switch [e-mail] terms apply. Limited time offer subject to change. See visible.com for plan features and network management details. Yeah, that. That is. I do. Not only do I back them up, but I use other apps as well. I use Evernote A back them up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, I like Evernote. An elephant was one I was using for a while. It's like, same thing like organize helps like organize because you can also search like by keyword, you know, because sometimes, like, I've. Look, mom brain, you know, is real. But I think it's kind of good. I think it's like. It's like a software update. It's like deleting shit I didn't need to be remembering anyway.

[Tom Segura]

It's a nice way of coping, you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Know, like, my hippocampus was just full of. So I actually, in some ways feel like you might be smarter if you forget half the shit, you know, because half the shit we learned has been debunked anyway. Like, half of, like, science and history, like, is not even. So me unknowing, it might even make me smarter.

[Tom Segura]

Like, Andrew Huberman was having a conversation with a professor at Stanford and he said, what percentage of what's in medical journals and what's taught in school is no longer applicable? He said at least 50%.

[Bert Kreischer]

Unbelievable.

[Tom Segura]

At least 50% of the stuff that they were telling people, like, look, they just turned the food pyramid upside down.

[Bert Kreischer]

Crazy. The food pyramid. Not only did it used to just be like, like brand muffins, it was rice, like bear claw. Like, what the fuck?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you need spaghetti. That's number one. SpaghettiOs is at the base.

[Bert Kreischer]

So crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Ravioli slightly above that.

[Bert Kreischer]

And remember, they had just had a fish with like, eyeballs. Like, that's actually probably a good one now, but.

[Tom Segura]

But at the top, you know, now like the littlest amount of stuff you're supposed to get is grains and you're supposed to get meat and eggs at the bottom, which was always. I mean, look, there was a study that was like, widely criticized fairly recently that labeled Fruit Loops as being healthier than ground beef.

[Bert Kreischer]

But who sponsored that study?

[Tom Segura]

That's the thing about all these things. It's like, who are these people? And can I see them naked?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's it.

[Tom Segura]

Take your fucking clothes off. Let me see what you look like.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's my. Same thing about quotes. You know how, like, we're in this quote culture where you'll just like. And you probably don't have this in your algorithm, but it's like inspiring quotes. And I'm like, I need to know who said it. I need to know who said it.

[Tom Segura]

A lot of times it's fake. You'll see quotes attributed to Einstein.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

And then I'll try to find out if it's real and it's not.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right, right. But it's just sort of like.

[Tom Segura]

It's like slightly anti semitic quotes, you know, you're like, oh, Aristotle really say this?

[Bert Kreischer]

Right, right. The Stoics. Yeah. Like, I Don't know, man, but they.

[Tom Segura]

Weren'T even Jews back then. What the fuck is this guy talking about?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm gonna unfollow Ari Shafir once and for all. But that. It said General Mills on it. It said GM on the side. When we were all looking at this pyramid, we knew that General Mills put this pyramid out. And we didn't even think that. There was a conflict of interest there.

[Tom Segura]

Did you know how the whole Kellogg's serial thing came about?

[Bert Kreischer]

The Jerry Seinfeld movie?

[Tom Segura]

No. Kellogg's. Do you know, like, why he decided to make, like, these bland cereals?

[Bert Kreischer]

Why?

[Tom Segura]

To keep people from masturbating sick. That was the whole idea behind it, to give people bland food so that they wouldn't get aroused.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that what causes erections? Asking for a friend?

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that how I get. Is that how to turn my guy on?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Spicy food. Put it on your pussy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really? He's in because I remember the Seinfeld thing was the post. That was pop charts. So this is how actual cereal was invented.

[Tom Segura]

Cereal. Breakfast cereal. Kellogg's breakfast cereal specifically. He was like some sort of a weird puritan. Hey, let's. Let's look it up. Because he had some really bizarre ideas. But the primary idea was that if you feed kids bland food, it would stop them from being horny.

[Bert Kreischer]

Kids.

[Tom Segura]

Kids.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do kids get horny? I'm sorry.

[Tom Segura]

Hell yeah. Like 13, 14.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, okay, okay. Got it.

[Tom Segura]

OK.

[Bert Kreischer]

Teen boys.

[Tom Segura]

Well, as soon as the hormones start going, sure, sure, sure. I remember being like, where is all this coming from? Like, you're all of a sudden horny. Like, where you were never horny. And then all of a sudden you're 12 and it starts coming on like a storm. And then you're 13. Like, what the fuck?

[Bert Kreischer]

And all your female teachers want to fuck you.

[Tom Segura]

Depends on if you live in Florida.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're all just letting you motorboat them between period.

[Tom Segura]

You made that wrong, Bobby.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it is. Once you have a kid. Like, it really is. I feel so cliche, like, about the ways you change once you have a kid. Everyone warns you and you're like, okay, okay. I mean, you really look at every authority figure around kids differently. Every teacher, every coach. You're just like, what are you in this for? Like, you're not in it for the money, right? You're getting paid nothing. You don't have kids to go to the school. Like, what are you up to, dude?

[Tom Segura]

Indoctrinating kids. Here it is. Brand flakes. No, Kellogg's brand flakes were not Created to stop kids from getting horny. But the broader Kellogg's cereal story is tied to some very weird anti sex ideas from the 19th and 20th century. Kellogg's brand flakes were introduced in 1915. Is a high fiber breakfast cereal market as a health food to a digestion promote better for you breakfasts. Where the sex myth comes from. John Harvey Kellogg, a physician and seventh day Adventist. There it is. Did believe that bland plain diets, especially cereal and nuts, could help reduce sexual desire and masturbation. And he pushed those ideas at his sanitarium. So what the is the. No, it's a myth. It's not a myth. This is his idea. He believed it and he sold that stuff. How can they say that's a myth?

[Bert Kreischer]

Can you imagine how hard the publicists at Kellogg's are working? Yeah, because to make sure that's not.

[Tom Segura]

That's why it's listed saying that it's a myth. That's the only reason why perplexity is getting confused because there's a bunch of propaganda saying it's not. All you have to do is look at the first thing. John Harvey Kellogg believed that plain bland diets could help reduce sexual desire and masturbation. And he sold plain bland food.

[Bert Kreischer]

And back then cereal was pretty much just for kids. You can already assume that it's going to be targeted at kids.

[Tom Segura]

These beliefs are most closely associated with early flake cereals like Corn Flakes and his general biological living health philosophy. Not with Bran Flakes. Whatever. So how true is the rumor? It is fair to say that some of Kellogg's early cereal experime were influenced by his belief that plain foods could encourage sexual restraint. So it is a good rumor. So why are they saying that it's not that it's a myth type in.

[Jamie]

Bran instead of Corn Flakes and it's just oh brand.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's.

[Tom Segura]

It was, it was the bland. Bland. Not. Did you think I said bran?

[Jamie]

I mean I typed in bran because I meant bland.

[Tom Segura]

But yeah, I know, but bran is like a little bit more flavorful. I used to really like bran.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love Raisin Bran. Yeah, it's delicious.

[Tom Segura]

Raisin Bran is the bomb diggity so filling.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so good.

[Tom Segura]

Especially initially frosted raisin with the sugar. And we would pour sugar on it too because oh, we always thought sugar just gave you cavities. Nobody thought it was killing you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So we take scoops of sugar and just throw it on those raisin.

[Bert Kreischer]

Frosted Flakes was my.

[Tom Segura]

Oh yeah, I was a big Captain Crunch man myself.

[Bert Kreischer]

Peanut butter. Oh, yeah, Captain Captain.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, Captain Crunch.

[Bert Kreischer]

We used to mix white trash till I die. Apple Jacks with cinnamon Toast Crunch.

[Tom Segura]

Ooh, those are good ones.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now what? RFK now what?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you better let me keep having those. You know, I don't think you should ban those, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think, like, it's important to have restraint and to have the option to do something and then have a little.

[Tom Segura]

Fucking discipline every day.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's it. That's it?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's it. How about give me the Fruit Loops with the dye? I want to look at pretty colors.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want my shit to be neon.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not going to get cancer if I eat one bowl. Okay, shut up.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's the other thing. It's like, the stress is the worst for us. So the stress about, like, should I eat it? Should I? Is worse than just eating it.

[Tom Segura]

I was just talking to a friend who has suffered multiple heart attacks from stress. His doctor says there's nothing wrong with his arteries, right? And he's gotten these heart attacks because literally his. His body constricts. He's in, like, a very serious situation, and his body constricts so heavily that his arteries fucking close up and he has heart attacks.

[Bert Kreischer]

So what is the difference, like, between. Because I'm all about, like, good stress on your body, like, exposing yourself to good stress and then bad stress. Your body knows the difference, right? Bad stress is going to be like the cortisol and then good stress. That's like adrenaline, right?

[Tom Segura]

Well, I'm hoping you're going to cut me off.

[Bert Kreischer]

Please cut me off.

[Tom Segura]

Hermetic effect. So the hermetic effect is like, there's an argument with certain foods, right? There's an argument against certain foods. Like, that they have phytochemicals in them. So what they have is like. Like an actual toxin that discourages predation. Right. But some of that is actually has a hermetic effect, and it's actually good for you. Like, what's a good one? Broccoli sprouts. You know, what does that have? Phosphoraphane. What is it? What is the word? I can't remember the photos. Beneficial? No. Photosynthesis is how they convert sunlight into a food.

[Bert Kreischer]

So but like, when you're doing good, stress, like exercise and.

[Tom Segura]

Sulfurane. Is that what it is?

[Jamie]

Yeah, I think you just said it as I was. I think that's the word.

[Tom Segura]

I think it's sulfurane.

[Jamie]

Is that it right there on the screen?

[Bert Kreischer]

Sulfurane?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, sulfurane, a plant compound formed when you Chew or chop broccoli sprouts, which activates an enzyme that converts a precursor called gluco raphanin into sulfurane. Broccoli sprouts have far higher levels of glucose glucograph glucoraphanin immature than mature broccoli, which is why they are such a concentrated source of sulforaphane.

[Bert Kreischer]

So you're eating the plant stress. That's.

[Tom Segura]

Well, plants do release chemicals. You want to hear a crazy one? This is really nuts. Plants are intelligent in some sort of a weird way. And one of the things they found is that if, like, say if a giraffe is eating certain bushes and they're eating them upwind and so the wind comes down and the other plants recognize that they're being consumed, and so they change their chemical profile to make them disgusting.

[Bert Kreischer]

Starts tasting bad. Horses, same thing. Horses will all be grazing in one place, and then they'll just pivot out of nowhere. And you're like, what's going on? And they'll move to different grass.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's like the grass realizes that it's happening. Oh, my God. It's a grass apocalypse.

[Bert Kreischer]

And, like, lets off some kind of, you know, acid or something.

[Tom Segura]

Nuts, wild. So this is the argument against consuming plants that all the carnivore people use is that there's these chemicals. Like, find out what the chemicals they talk about. What are the chemicals that carnivore diet people think are dangerous from plants? The idea is that plants can't defend themselves. They're stationary. And so what they do is they release things that make them disgusting.

[Bert Kreischer]

Got. Got. It makes sense. It is like, you know, after having. Being pregnant, I kind of just surrendered to being like, what if I just ate what I craved? Like, let me just let my body wisdom or whatever, like, kind of go, you know? And it was sourdough bread. Not regular bread, just sourdough, which I wonder if that's allowed on the pyramid.

[Tom Segura]

It's a lot better for you, right? Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sourdough bread, eggs and meat. No salad. Like, it made me, like, nauseous to, like, even think about salad. But maybe that was just my blood type or whatever it was.

[Tom Segura]

My wife was really into frozen pizza rolls, those little disgusting things I'll buy them for.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm like, are you sure that is a Texas bitch? Like, through and through.

[Tom Segura]

Carnivore diet advocates, advocates often argue that many common plant compounds are toxic or anti nutrients that harm digestion hormones and or nutrient absorption. Carnivore influence usually group these under umbrella anti nutrients or Plant defense chemicals. Oxalates is one for sure. Oxalates is terrible for you, but the way to get around that is cooking them. So, like, this is like I used to. I see. Always drink kale smoothies. I used to take kale and throw it in there with garlic and ginger and drink a smoothie every day.

[Bert Kreischer]

Then you left L. A?

[Tom Segura]

No, I mean, I felt fine doing it. I never got kidney stones or anything like that. But then I started reading about oxalates and then I had a bunch of people on that told me that you can get kidney stones. And I did actually get my blood work done and it was high in oxalates. But also that's from almonds. I. A lot of. I used to eat a lot of almonds. Lectins, grains, beans, nuts. There it is. Promote leaky gut autoimmunity and general gut irritation. Phytates. What is that? Phytic acid. Grains, legumes and nuts criticized for binding materials that that and reducing their absorption. Tannins or other polyphenols described by some meat advocates as additional plant defenses that can inhibit nutrient absorption or act as pro oxidants. But one of the things that I've heard from people that are pretty knowledgeable is that the issue might not be the actual plants itself. It might be pesticides.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's the other thing. They say the worst thing you can eat at a restaurant anywhere is salads because it's just covered in pesticides. Like I am washing my fruit and vegetables more than I wash my own body.

[Tom Segura]

See if this is true, because I read this, that 100% of all California wines tested tested positive for glyphosate.

[Bert Kreischer]

And out in Malibu, Raytheon, because there was a Raytheon plant.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Uh huh.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And cum.

[Tom Segura]

Actually, Rocketdyne used to be in my neighborhood.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wild.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I wonder if I got juiced up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Remember when I went out and before I had a kid and I was just fighting people over rescuing giraffes. I had an instinct to mother and I was just mothering everything except an actual baby, including giraffes and the wine that was made up there at that place, Malibu Safari. I tested positive for Raytheon and people were getting sick for Raytheon.

[Tom Segura]

How do you test positive for Raytheon? Okay, they tested 10. And a 2016 investigation by ABC 7 News Beyond Pesticides reported that 10 out of 10 California wines tested positive for glyphosate. Whoa, that's nuts.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm obsessed with these sort of health and wellness sort of Myths and where do they like? Wine's good. Red wine's good for you. Like what alcoholic, like made that popular? Remember, it's like it's got resveratrol, it's this. It's like the amount you would need to get the amount of resveratrol that would make a difference is. Would kill your liver anyway. But like, dark chocolate's good for you. Like these things we just like.

[Tom Segura]

I think dark chocolate is good for you though.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is it?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I think that's legit. I don't think wine is necessarily bad for you. I think alcohol is bad for you, but I think it also loosens you up, it makes you happy, which is better for you than being sad, depending on where you are, right. So if you were with a group of people, like you and I and a bunch of friends, went out to dinner, we all had wine, we were laughing our asses off. That would probably be really good for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it removes a little bit of the ability to. And that was always my thing. Like I don't. I'm three, three and a half years off pretty much anything. I mean, I was pregnant, I have a kid. Like, you know, I gotta be focused. Like a toddler is just like suicidal. Like I'm, you know. But you know, I think with. At least I'll just speak for myself. My brain, a glass of wine. I'm just able to be present without going, is this a good joke which I write about, it just takes off that like, sort of like interior anthropologist narrative that is like I always have to be categorizing things and filing things as jokes or cross referencing things and you know, filing things away for future standup. And I.

[Tom Segura]

That's the thing, right? It's cause you always need new jokes. It's like you're always farming and when.

[Bert Kreischer]

You hear something that's like, oh, that'd be such a good premise. It's like, ah, you know, sometimes I'll just like do what you do. I'll put it in notes to just file it away just so that I'm not thinking about it so much.

[Tom Segura]

That's the only thing that keeps me sane. Because if I don't do that, if I don't, it's gonna get away from me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Same.

[Tom Segura]

I have same. At least my family knows. Like sometimes I'll jump up from the dinner table and I have to run away because I know it's slippery. I'm like, this idea is slippery. I'll be right back. I got an idea.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let me just write it Down. Let me just write it down.

[Tom Segura]

Write it down. And I come back and I don't tell them the idea because it's usually they're like, what?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, trust me, it's gonna sound bad.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Jews do run the meat. Just let me flesh it out. This idea about Jews and blacks. But, yeah, as long as I'm able to write it down, then I can be present.

[Tom Segura]

Then, you know, you saved it. Neil Brennan used to say that his joke book was basically like a net for catching ideas.

[Bert Kreischer]

Love it.

[Tom Segura]

I have one great idea, great premise.

[Bert Kreischer]

Promise. I have a joke. Like, I'll write it down in my. Like, a notebook, but I'll of course, leave it somewhere. And it just looks like my suicide note. It's just like, words. That's just like Kegels, you know, episiotomy. Like, it's just crazy words. But. And that's the other thing that I think having a kid gave me that I didn't even know was possible, which is what I thought, like weed or, you know, a glass of wine or whatever before was. I've always just been trying to figure out how to get present, like, be in the present moment, you know, which, by the way, is there a biological basis for being in the present moment? Probably. It's probably, you know, was, you know, a detriment back in the day. You wanted to be like, two steps ahead or this is what just happened. And, like, of course eating that berry was bad. Like, being in the present moment probably got you killed back then.

[Tom Segura]

But that's what they think ADHD is about. It's about being a persistent hunter. We have a. A problem with the software that we're running and perhaps maybe the computer. So the last few episodes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jamie, please cut my audio. Reddit will love this episode.

[Tom Segura]

They don't love anything.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just cut me out of it.

[Tom Segura]

There's a bunch of people I'd like to see naked. All of the negative Reddit commenters. Like, you guys need to go outside, touch grass, babe.

[Bert Kreischer]

I look at those guys and I'm always just, guys, girls, whoever. Like, I meant I go on right up.

[Tom Segura]

But, like, they're non binary, all of them.

[Bert Kreischer]

I always think, like, if we didn't get to do what we do, would we be doing that 100.

[Tom Segura]

I would, I would say that, like, when people are, like, really mean to celebrities online and comments, I'm like, I would do that 1,001 million percent if I was 16 years old and I had a Twitter account and they have a plane.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, fuck you just like, hey, asshole. Like, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh yeah. I'd be going after Everybody. I would 100%. That was all. Especially if I get them to respond right? I'd be like, woo wee. I got him on the hook. Look at this.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then like Kimmel would like read negative comments on his show. Like you can get on a show, which is, by the way, what's happening with like crowd work. People come to shows now trying to get in a crowd work video. Just heckling and yelling.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. Especially if someone is known for responding to hecklers.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh no. The first four rows are people that are like in hair and makeup. They have like hats on. Like their tits are out. Like they're ready with. They're like, hey, bitch. And I'm like, I'm not filming this show, guys. Sorry.

[Tom Segura]

People want to be a part of something.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you want to know where I'm from? It's like, I don't, I don't care. I'm in Austin. I know you live. I don't give a. Like.

[Tom Segura]

Well, that's the weird thing about social media and the Internet in general is that everyone has a voice now, which is great. And it's also terrible. Yeah, it's both things. It's great because some people emerge from that voice just like we were talking about memes. Some of the hardest laughs that I get during the day are these memes that anonymous people have created. And someone sends me same and I'm like, same. And then I send them to people. I don't know who the made it.

[Jamie]

Can we pause one second again?

[Tom Segura]

I.

[Jamie]

It's now not recording the audio. Even though we can hear everything. It just stopped all of a sudden.

[Tom Segura]

Did it record any what we just said?

[Jamie]

Because that was still going. It is still going.

[Tom Segura]

That was good.

[Jamie]

I'm gonna trust it. It's just not visually showing up. We'll trust it.

[Tom Segura]

Oh boy.

[Jamie]

Sorry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Having a conversation about being in the present moment and like. Wait, you didn't record that?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I was being so present.

[Bert Kreischer]

Damn it. I have to.

[Tom Segura]

It's. I, I think, you know, we're in this weird transitionary period where we have a new technology and that allows everyone to have a voice. And I think overall it's very good because you have more voices and it's just people have to discern what's a valuable voice and what's not. And you know, that's where I tell people, don't read the fucking comments. It's not good for you because you're getting too many non valuable voices and if you've done a good job of curating your environment and curating your friend group, you've eliminated all these people that are really shitty and bitter and jealous and nasty and. And. And also, like, have no ability to look at themselves.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. But also, like, to all my. Like, I was just on did Norman's podcast with Samuel, and they were talking about the comments, and I was like, guys, guys, like, I've said worse things to you than any of these comments. Like, we're comics. We all sit around and are so much meaner to each other.

[Tom Segura]

Meaner about other comics that aren't there. Oh, God, we're the worst shit ever.

[Bert Kreischer]

Totally. It's just sort of like, nothing in this comment section is worse than what Tony Hinchliffe just said to me on the phone.

[Tom Segura]

And you laughed.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just talked to Tim Dillon for an hour. Like, I have no self esteem left. Like, this is like a warm hug. Like, my comment section is where I go for compliments at this point.

[Tom Segura]

Sometimes I forget that when I'm hanging out with normies, you know, And I'll just drop a bomb. Same. Same look. What the did you say? I'm like, I thought we were talking.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I. No, I did that yesterday. I was checking into the hotel, and we're in Texas. My mom's from Texas. Whatever. And this. This dude that works there was wearing, like, cowboy boots. Like, solid cowboy boots. And I was like, oh, sick. Cowboy boots. I mean, like, they're just high heels for men, but, like, cool that you guys call them, like, cowboy boots. And he was just like. And I was like, oh, you're gonna fight me? Like, this is not. I can say that to, like, Tony Hinchcliffe, because I'm always like, hey, you moved to Texas so that you could wear heels. Like, so that you basically wear cowboy boots all the time.

[Tom Segura]

He was going through a period of time where he's wearing nothing but cowboy hats. Hats and cowboy boots on stage, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then, like, a Gucci. Like. Like, tracksuit. Like, name a person that knew less about what to do with their money.

[Tom Segura]

He's doing now. He's wearing vests. He wears vests all the time. It's a thousand degrees.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bulletproof vest. After the. He was at the Trump rally. Smart. Puerto Ricans have guns, homie.

[Tom Segura]

The Puerto Ricans love him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, they do. They really.

[Tom Segura]

If there's any group of people that are great at talking shit, it's Puerto Ricans.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like Jennifer Lopez. Cut to her, like, crying because she's like, what are jokes but yeah, I love.

[Tom Segura]

She doesn't count.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I have. You made your will?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, so I'm making my will, which as soon as you have a kid, they're like, make a will. Or else your craziest family member is gonna, like, get your son, you know, And I have him and I. Am I allowed to make a funny? I wanna make, like, a funny will. Like, I want to give Brian Holtzman, like, a million dollars just to see what he'll do. Just to look down from heaven and just see him with.

[Tom Segura]

Like, he'd probably buy suspenders.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just calf implants. Like, just like. Like seeing what Tony did with his money. Like, watching all these comics. Like, Bobby Lee, he just, like, shows up in, like, women's shoes. Like, he'll just be in, like, you know those, like, Golden Goose sneakers? They're like 700. They're bedazzled.

[Tom Segura]

He wears bedazzled sneakers.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, they're like Golden Goose. Do you know these shoes?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I have a pair of Golden Goose.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. But they're, like, shimmery with, like, le.

[Tom Segura]

It's weird because Golden Goose, they come out worn out. Like, you buy. I bought them in Aspen. Yeah, you buy them worn out. And everybody was really into it. I'm like, they're already pre worn. Like, this is weird.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like when you did, like, bought jeans with holes in them, right? Like, ahead of time.

[Tom Segura]

Like, I never did that, by the way. Yeah, no, that's not. That's a lie. I did it for a while and then I was like, what was wrong?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's like. But I like holes in the knees because you can move around more. Like, that's actually useful. I'll always cut holes.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you need to buy, like, stretchy jeans.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know what? I did start buying stretchy jeans, and this is actually the worst thing I've done since becoming a mom. You just become such a dork. Except your wife. Your wife is just like. She's like, my hero. I'm like, how do you stay? Why are you so hot? Like, you're my mom. You're, like, allowed to just look like Rachel Maddow, but you do this. Like, I need to get back on the horse because I started buying sweatpants that look like jeans, and I'm just like, what am I doing? Like, it's just.

[Tom Segura]

Well, there's a bunch of jeans like that that you can get now. What are those? Are they called perfect jeans? Those are really good. I got a few pairs of those. I think that's what they're called. Right. Perfect jeans.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, stretchy guys.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, those are great. Rev Town Revtown makes a great pair. They're great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Barbell. Barbell jeans. They're nice. Yeah. They're made for people with big thighs.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Because my jeans wear out in the middle. Because my thighs are always rubbing together.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right, Right. Oh, like in the.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's where they tear open.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. I need.

[Tom Segura]

And I need to be. I need to. I can't wear something that I can't kick somebody in.

[Bert Kreischer]

But also, fuck, yes. So good to be in Texas, where the real men are. That's how they think. My fiance's.

[Tom Segura]

I was thinking like that always.

[Bert Kreischer]

All your whole life. It's so funny. My fiance's like. He's just. You don't realize till you date it, Like, Very straight guy. That you've only dated gay guys.

[Tom Segura]

Very straight guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I always was like, oh, good. Metrosexual. Like, my dude. My favorite thing to do is ask him what he's thinking about. Not, like, what are you thinking about? About hoping it's me or our wedding or something. I'm just fascinated. I'm on the edge of my seat, and it's usually like, if I could fight that guy or.

[Tom Segura]

The Roman Empire.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. My God, dude. Just, like, jerking off. Thinking about tigers tearing apart criminals. Like, what about the Roman Empire? Exactly. That's so crazy when you think about it. I mean, didn't species go extinct because.

[Tom Segura]

Of the Roman Empire?

[Bert Kreischer]

Because of the Colosseum fights?

[Tom Segura]

I don't believe that's true. I've never heard that.

[Bert Kreischer]

When I did, like, a tour of it, they said that, but I'm sure were just trying to.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they're trying to juice you up. Well, let's find out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Even if they did, how could they prove it?

[Tom Segura]

I guess it's what they don't really. There's a lot of, like, speculation that's probably erroneous about why certain animals went extinct, including woolly mammoths.

[Bert Kreischer]

Also, there's a lot of animals out there that maybe you guys can't find. We don't.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

We don't know.

[Tom Segura]

Like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, okay. Not to bring up California, but have you seen this doomsday fish?

[Tom Segura]

What's that? That?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a fish that only appears when an earthquake's about to happen.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, great.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're coming up around Monterey in California. It's like. It's like a syringe with fins.

[Tom Segura]

Really.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, these, like, fish at the bottom. Bottom of the ocean that we.

[Tom Segura]

Oh. And they're getting away from the bottom because they feel coming up, it's coming.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're like coming up to the surface.

[Tom Segura]

I've never heard of this before, but.

[Bert Kreischer]

My brain also goes like, maybe they've been around and you just haven't seen them.

[Tom Segura]

But that's true. It's not like we have cameras down there.

[Bert Kreischer]

20 at all times. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Coliseum animal fights did not clearly drive any species to global extinction, but they did help wipe out or severely reduce some regional populations and subspecies. Like what? Beast hunts killed animals on a huge scale. Ancient sources describe thousands of animals killed in single festivals and tens of thousand over imperial reigns. Modern historians argue that this sustained demand contributed to local or regional disappearances, especially when combined with hunting, habitat loss and warfare. Well, that like just what they did in America with market hunting. They almost wiped out everything in America because no one had ice. Right. So you had to get meat every day. So they wiped out almost all deer. They wiped out elk from. Elk used to be in all 50 states and now they're only in a few. They wiped out almost all of them.

[Bert Kreischer]

And this is fascinating to me that just the Roman Coliseum thing, because I think that my brain always does whenever it's like, can you believe people in the comments are trashing Sabrina Carp or whatever. It's like, yeah, people used to go watch, you know, people have their limbs torn apart by lions and sit there and like cheer and suggest. They would yell out how to kill people like that. You know, they would go watch at the town square. People get hanged. Like, this is right on time.

[Tom Segura]

They'd watch people have sword fights.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is the most humane version of publicly shaming people we've done thus far. It's just like, you suck. Like, that's like that.

[Tom Segura]

It just hurts your feelings. Yeah, right. And it only hurts your feelings if you read it.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I also don't think anyone has only made a comment on Joe Rogan's or only on mine. I don't think it's like just personal.

[Tom Segura]

Well, it's probably one schizophrenic person that just concentrates on you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Oh, no, I have many of those. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But there's. Most people are just.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I don't think they're normal with everyone else. And then, you know.

[Tom Segura]

Well, that's the argument that some people have that I completely disagree with that you should. It should be your name. Everyone should know who's posting that and that you shouldn't be allowed to post anonymously. My problem with that is that eliminates all whistleblowing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, good point.

[Tom Segura]

You know you're working at some defense contractor and you know they're doing something horrible or whatever. You're working for some oil company and you know they're doing something evil. No, you can't. You can't have completely anonymous. I mean, you can't have only, like, recognized accounts, whether you know the exact person who's posting things, because sometimes you need to have anonymous sources.

[Bert Kreischer]

But also it's, you know, essentially, like, I'm always interested in, you know, finding the, like, equanimous, real life version of something digital. So it's like negative things in the comment section. That's like being at a football game and someone being like, Tom Brady, you suck. Like, right? He obviously doesn't suck.

[Tom Segura]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

You're wearing a Patriots jersey. Like, you obviously love him. You're just like, like being an idiot. You know, it's kind of like, how about UFC fans?

[Tom Segura]

Some of them are the worst. They're like, he's a.

[Bert Kreischer]

He fights for a living. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[Tom Segura]

You don't fight in his underwear, barefoot, in a cage, for a living, and you're calling him a pussy.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right, people. I mean, and also think about what it would take for you to stop and leave a shitty comment. You would have to be in such a dark, dark place to, like, need to just, like, throw a stray at someone. And, like, I like to think of as, like, a weird service. And maybe this is just me trying to, like, sublimate it into something positive. Because, like, being a female comedian on the Internet, it's like, pretty wild. And it's like, I signed up to make people happy or make people laugh or give people some kind of escape from their life. And if you hating me or saying some mean shit gives you, like, a hit of, like, great. I don't think I came into comedy being like, everyone has to love me like that.

[Tom Segura]

It's not possible. Yeah, people hate Chappelle. It's literally not possible.

[Bert Kreischer]

The people I know that take the biggest risks and that, you know, are polarizing. Like, I think the most interesting comics are polarizing. So if everyone like me, I'd probably be pretty boring.

[Tom Segura]

And, well, there's a few people that don't take risks, that are hilarious, that aren't polarizing at all. Like Nate Bargazi.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Or Gaffigan, but Sebigan. Sebastian. But Gaffigan got really polarizing when he went political. A lot of people got mad at him for that.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

But I Think he was drunk.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, interesting. He did a.

[Tom Segura]

Pretty sure he was drunk. He likes to throw him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Was he doing online, though? Wasn't he, like, doing online or was he doing it live?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, he was on Twitter.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, he was on. During the.

[Tom Segura]

The Trump.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

I remember he went crazy and he lost like a giant chunk of fans. People turned on him. You know, he's the hot pockets guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

He's, like, involved in politics.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's interesting. Wouldn't that. That kind of. I think that as a comic, like, it's, you know, and you do something sort of different here, but I never, you know, to take a side just feels so weird. It just feels so bizarre because I think it's really our job to be able to defend the indefensible, just even as an exercise and to, you know, to be able to deeply believe that two things can be true at once.

[Tom Segura]

I think it's the opposite of what wokies do with animals. So with wokies, with animals, they're like, adopt, don't shop. I think with your ideas, you should shop around. Don't adopt, don't adopt. Like all the ideas that the left has or all the ideas of the right has, shop around.

[Bert Kreischer]

Also, breeders are bad. So rescue a dog from a breeder if you need to, right?

[Tom Segura]

Well, some. Look, breeders are bad, right? Okay. I have the best fucking dog in the world, and he came from a breeder.

[Bert Kreischer]

Some are good, some are bad. Some rescues are good. Some. Some of the worst people on earth are animal rescue people. Some of the worst people on earth work in charity.

[Tom Segura]

You know, That's a fact.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a fact.

[Tom Segura]

That's a fact. Did you see the data about the LA Fire money and where it went?

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you see the data of the. What was it? How many billion was supposed to be spent on homelessness removal?

[Tom Segura]

24. 24 billion unaccounted for.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not even mad. Just tell me where it is. How do you even hide it much?

[Tom Segura]

They don't even.

[Bert Kreischer]

Money. How do you even hide it?

[Tom Segura]

But I want to show you this. Did I ever send it to you, Jamie? I know I saved it because it's so crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was like. There was a concert.

[Tom Segura]

It was like $100 million. But where it went is literally absolutely nuts. I'm gonna find it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, and Jamie, did you find that doomsday fish? I just want to make sure an.

[Jamie]

Article about it from 20 a couple years ago that said it shows up when.

[Bert Kreischer]

Doomsday fish. Yeah, there was One up in Monterey. They said that came. I'm obsessed with the fish that we don't know about.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, I just sent it to Jamie. So the House Judiciary Committee released a report on the LA fire aid concert. Among the findings. Fire aid was used. I mean, this is going to. I'm sorry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know why I'm coughing. Fire aid was used for activities such as voter participation initiatives. Podcasts. They give $100,000 to podcasters. Approximately $550,000. And donations went to organizations involved in political.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, that's money laundering. That's just money laundering.

[Tom Segura]

$550,000 out of 100 million. $250,000 was directed towards programs benefiting undocumented immigrants. Look at this. A hundred thousand dollars to podcasters. I want to know who the. The podcasters were that got a hundred grand. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What are you talking about?

[Tom Segura]

Like, like, what does that mean? Like, what did they prevent fires with that money? Money. $500,000 was used to cover salaries, bonuses. Imagine you got a bonus because there's a fire Consultant fees for nonprofit.

[Bert Kreischer]

But if it's a nonprofit, why are you giving it money?

[Tom Segura]

And why are you giving them bonuses? Half a million dollars. Okay. Many worthy non profits did receive grants that were used to support victims. This report provides lessons for the distribution of, or the disbursement rather of any remaining fire aid. Funds go down lower because it keeps good racket.

[Bert Kreischer]

Everyone I know that works with a charity has like two houses. Like, good for them because they don't have to Texas either.

[Tom Segura]

There, There's. Sorry, there's more where they. They laid all this stuff out. So this is Kevin Kiley, who is. What is his congressman from California. So he's. He's outlining this because he tried to look it up. It's crazy, but, I mean, some of that is criminal. This. This one drives me nuts. Organizations involved in political advice, advocacy. Half a million dollars.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why is anyone advocating for politics? Like, what does that even mean?

[Tom Segura]

It's just stealing money.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right. That's just money laundering.

[Tom Segura]

That's just stealing money.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, fungus planting projects. What to plant fungus.

[Tom Segura]

Fungus planting policy. What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Fungus planting projects.

[Tom Segura]

Just. They're growing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Growing weed. Yeah, they're growing mushrooms.

[Tom Segura]

The best way to keep people from.

[Bert Kreischer]

Doing this, man, this is what it is, dude. It's like literally like everyone. Everyone that's pissed that their house caught on fire take these mushrooms and you will realize materialism doesn't.

[Tom Segura]

It's all. Yeah, it's just part of the universe, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're all connected. Like, if someone else has a house, you have a house too.

[Tom Segura]

Like, this is the universe telling you to get the fuck out of here.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, it is like a lot to process. I mean, there's a point where you're kind of like, my brain goes like, when there's nothing you can do about it, you're like, what do I do? Like, do I just get mad? Do I just look away? Do I become the person that's retweeting shit and just being that person? Like, you know, the things we have to kind of just decide with our economy of bandwidth what to be outraged about. And maybe this is it. The idea is like, we'll throw so much at you that you'll just get exhausted.

[Tom Segura]

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[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Ecosystem.

[Bert Kreischer]

But also they're like, we know we're gonna get away with this. Like, I just love.

[Tom Segura]

But they're not because this guy, the congressman is looking it up. It's gonna. They're. They're definitely gonna talk about it. It's gonna be a problem for these people. It's gonna be a problem during re election. And it's supposed to be. They're monsters. These people are evil. They're really evil. Like what they're doing is stealing money from people that decided they were gonna donate money because they thought it was a worthy cause. And it wasn't a worthy cause.

[Bert Kreischer]

Happened. The idea that it was like donate. It's like, well, you were just in a Fire zone too. We pay enough taxes in California to not have to have charities to donate to fire victims.

[Jamie]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know what I mean? Charities are such a scam because it's like, well, no, this is where our taxes should be going to stuff. We shouldn't have to have these charities where people are donating money to help. They don't have money either.

[Tom Segura]

Well, it's a scam. And when you find out where the money actually goes, that's when it becomes a scam. When you find out that the vast amount, like if you have $100 million that gets donated to legitimate charity, it's very likely that only 30% or less is going to the actual cause.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that person doesn't pay taxes on top of that because the charity's a tax write off. So my taxes aren't going to pay for that cause. And then you're not paying taxes anyway. And then I have to give you extra money. It's just like, it's just such a charity culture is just such a bizarre. Does every country have this charity culture?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. Well, our charity culture is really weird because of usaid. Because USAID everybody thought of as like, oh, it's aid. We're giving aid to all these other countries. That's important. People are gonna starve. And then you realize like, oh no, it's not US Aid, it's US Agency for International Development. So a lot of it is about overthrowing foreign governments. A lot of it is about, about funding these NGOs that are supposedly non profit, but people extract the money out of them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, what's your definition?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, a lot of it is money laundering.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fascinating.

[Tom Segura]

It's so much. Mike Benz is the guy to follow on that. And Mike Benz is like, he's gone deep, deep into all this and uncovered an insane way. He said the USAID is for things that are too dirty for the CIA. When it's too dirty for the CIA, they send it off to a non government organization that's an ngo. So an NGO can do things that the government can't do legally. So they'll go and use this money in a way that our government can't do it. But it's our government's money. So it's your tax dollars go to do things that the government's not allowed to do. And the government just does it that way through an ngo and people profit massively. Money is just flowing around and no one knows where it goes. Like the $24 billion that went to the home problem in California, where it only got worse.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't even get how you hide that much money. I don't even get how you laundered and hide. I mean, that's like.

[Tom Segura]

Just shows you how crazy scams are in this country. We're learning that out about the Somali.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, the Minnesota thing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But that's just one part of it. The Somali daycares in Minnesota is the tip of the iceberg. California is way bigger. So people are digging into the problems in California now and they're saying, no, no. Whatever you thought the fraud was, there was a guy that was running a daycare, a bunch of daycare. He had no.

[Bert Kreischer]

Already a red flag in California.

[Tom Segura]

No one at his organization. No kids pulled up in a Rolls Royce when they were investigating a Rolls Royce.

[Bert Kreischer]

Couldn't even just get Alexis. No, they can't. They can't just be cool. It's like Dane Cook's brother or whatever, who stole from him, like, pulled up in, like, a Bugatti. It's like, you couldn't.

[Jamie]

Did he really?

[Bert Kreischer]

It was like something. I think something crazy. Like you couldn't have just got an Acura.

[Tom Segura]

That's when he found out that his brother was stealing from him.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it was like a car that pulled up. I know what I find out.

[Tom Segura]

What car brother, by the way, he got out of jail and the money's still missing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Stop.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, there's a ton of money that they never recovered. He might have hid it in a coffee.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's some real rich hookers in Pensacola.

[Tom Segura]

I'll tell you what, he might have blown through all of it, but I'm pretty sure. I mean, you'd have to ask Dane, but I'm pretty sure that a lot of the money was unrecovered.

[Bert Kreischer]

He donated it to the LA fire victims. Yeah, it's like people that steal like that. Like, it's like. For what I understand, it's like kind of a gambling addiction, too. It's like, I got away with this. Like, you get this invincibility complex of, like, now I can get away with this. And then you just get in over your head and you show up one day in a fucking, you know, Ferrari. And I was like, huh?

[Tom Segura]

Did you ever see that documentary the 7 5?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

The 75 is all about the 75th Precinct in New York and how corrupt it was. It's a really good documentary. I had the guy who was the main guy, Michael Dowd, who was a. Who was a corrupt cop.

[Bert Kreischer]

Love it.

[Tom Segura]

I had him on the podcast and explained It. He said, the first day of. I mean, if you watch the documentary, first day working, they threw a guy out of building and killed him. And he was like, shut the fuck up. Like, you know, you know what you saw now, you didn't see shit, right? Yeah, I didn't see shit. Like they killed a guy on his first day on the job. And he's like, okay, this is, this is I guess, what we do. And so he was selling drugs, robbing drug dealers and showed up at work with a Corvette and a brand new badass Corvette.

[Bert Kreischer]

The Corvette under a blanket and just drive a Honda to work like. Like you could have gotten away with this forever.

[Tom Segura]

Get an old pickup truck.

[Bert Kreischer]

Stupid. I love that shit. Dude, I love it so much.

[Tom Segura]

This guy shows up at his fucking daycare in a Rolls Royce.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was like the wild, wild country guy. He could have got away with that forever, but it was like the 56, like bedazzled Rolls Royce. Everyone was like, I don't know, man.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, he had a bunch of.

[Bert Kreischer]

Rolls Royces, but God told me I should have these. Like, huh. I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

But the people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Are retarded. That is one of the greatest things ever by the people for the people in the. Pause, dude, but the people are retarded.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tough titties.

[Tom Segura]

So. So it's for the retarded. But. So look at this. 42.1 million. This is the guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Guy, he's tried to cover the car with his body.

[Tom Segura]

Pull back and let's, let's hear what he says in the beginning of this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cuz, I mean, with all that money, maybe buy some OIC too, homie.

[Tom Segura]

Ah, like he's eating good. Let me hear what he says. Ever since Nick Shirley has done his.

[Bert Kreischer]

Reporting in Minnesota, we have Iranian daycare centers in California. Over Here we have 1412 South Crescent.

[Tom Segura]

Heights Creative Children Academy. Nobody has come in or out of this facility in nine months. Every window is just boarded up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, because no one in LA has kids.

[Tom Segura]

Look at this. Rolls Royce, owner of this property.

[Bert Kreischer]

Get. Where's the money?

[Tom Segura]

Jump sheet.

[Bert Kreischer]

The way the door opens is so funny.

[Tom Segura]

Facility. Where'd you get this? Car? Property.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Did you win the lottery?

[Jamie]

That's.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's assault.

[Tom Segura]

Don't touch me. This looks fake.

[Bert Kreischer]

It really does.

[Jamie]

It looks fake as.

[Tom Segura]

It looks fake as this looks like completely staged. There's just the way he walks up and grabs the car. What? When you saw people with cameras and you, you've got a convertible, you would turn around. Think you would just turn around it's just too convenient. There's no one there. Why is he there right out front? That looks fake.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's not wearing any brands. That's.

[Tom Segura]

It's also. There's something. My mind registered his face when he started talking. Wait a minute. Wait.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is the guy?

[Jamie]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%.

[Tom Segura]

So it's fake.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, Yeah, I was.

[Tom Segura]

So I just.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was like. That was like a staged reenactment or something.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he. It's. It's horseshit.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is like when I repost videos where people have, like, seven fingers and.

[Tom Segura]

I'm like, it's just bad acting. I saw his face. I saw his face. I'm like, this guy's a bad actor. This is like a Hallmark special.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, when he took off the golf hat, like Douchebagger Vance, like, before to start his thing.

[Tom Segura]

That's just engagement.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Why are you wearing a suit? Why are you wearing a suit?

[Tom Segura]

Meanwhile, people are sending that to me, like, it's real. There it is.

[Bert Kreischer]

That thing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it's because they want it to be real.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And by the way, you get to a point with real and fake where you're just like, it might as well be. You know, it might as well be.

[Tom Segura]

But that guy, you could tell his face was fake. He's like, what?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it was.

[Tom Segura]

How'd you get me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Get out of. This is private property. Like, this guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

The push was a little bitch for someone who was about to lose everything. Like, the camera work was pretty good, too.

[Tom Segura]

It's just. He's just being silly.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But there's always. There's a lot of that, too. That's a problem. It's just like, we live in a strange world, and no one investigated where all this money was going in the past. No one investigated.

[Bert Kreischer]

How could you.

[Tom Segura]

One of the things that Elon said to me said Medicaid fraud is the biggest amount of money that's fraudulent in this country. And he didn't want to even talk about it because he was worried that people would kill him. That's what he said on the podcast. He goes, I could go into this, but they'll kill me.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's like someone saying they have something. They didn't have to get the catastrophe insurance thing because, like, I had a.

[Tom Segura]

There's a lot of that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Like, my dad had a stroke, and you get like. Like it was stolen by a family member. The fraud is within my family, but really, that. Yeah. That. You get, like, 20 grand. Medicaid, part B. I want to Say if you have like a stroke, it's called a catastrophic event. They'll just like give you like 20 grand or something. Is it like that? You, like, fake that or something and then get that money type of thing? Is that like what medic to fake a stroke?

[Tom Segura]

No, what it is, is, well, here's the daycare thing. Like, that's part of it, you know, and then there's a bunch of people that don't exist that are getting Medicaid money.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right, Right.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And then there's autism diagnosis. Right? So they self diagnosis autism. They open up an autism center. They have a bunch of kids in the autism center. They get money for those kids. There's no autism. There's no kids. It's all fake.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right, right, right, right, right.

[Tom Segura]

There's also like, there's. There's these fake scams where there, There was one that they uncovered in Minnesota where they were supposedly feeding an exorbitant amount of children. And there was no kids. No one was going there. But they were saying they were feeding like 5,000 people a day. Sure. They didn't even have the capacity to feed 5,000 people a day. There was no food coming in there.

[Bert Kreischer]

But the American dream politicians.

[Tom Segura]

The politicians were getting so much money from these people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

Just from the Somali community that owned daycare centers. The Minnesota politicians were getting $35 million last year.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that. Is Tim Walson to blame for that?

[Tom Segura]

Well, he just stepped down from his reelection. That's not good. That's not good. When you were almost the Vice President of the United States, you know how.

[Bert Kreischer]

Many people came at me, people that I'm like, thought I was friends with, like, acquaintances more maybe, but I now realize they were acquaintances. When I made fun of Tim Waltz for going to China so many times. Like, which, let me not get this wrong, it's definitely more than 10. More than 10 or something. That Tim Walsh just like, went to China to go. Like, which is, you know, if you're gonna have gone to China that many times and then run to be the vice president, why wouldn't you. You, why would you hide it? Number one, why wouldn't you lead with it as like, this is one of our enemies. I've been. I know the language. Like, why wouldn't you either lean into it, make it. I'm an expert on it. And this is one of our big issues. Like the fact that we all pretended that he wasn't going to China. First of all, on what salary are you going to China every year?

[Tom Segura]

Was he a politician?

[Bert Kreischer]

When he was doing what's your miles program?

[Tom Segura]

Well, I could see if you were a businessman.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was a teacher.

[Tom Segura]

He was a teacher.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was going with kids. He was taking kids to China.

[Tom Segura]

But I mean, doesn't that make sense, though, that you're taking kids on an international trip so they can learn about the world?

[Bert Kreischer]

Only China.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe that's his area of expertise.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm trying to like, but why not lead with it?

[Tom Segura]

I steal, man it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. Me too. I do the same where I'm like, why doesn't you up with. I've been to China 35 times. I took kids there so they could learn Mandarin because they're going to have to interface with China later during business. Like, it was just like this thing where it's when someone else tries to hide something, something that I wouldn't have thought was untoward. I'm like, well, hold on, on now. It's weird, right? And why can't I ask a question about it? Whenever I would say, how many times did you go to China? Everyone's like, what? What?

[Tom Segura]

And I'm like, well, here's the crazy one. When the all the Somali daycare center came out, he started blaming white men for all the crime.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

What about white men? Well, he's white men with all the crime. He's trying this. That he's like, what about me? Playbook.

[Bert Kreischer]

What about me? I'm the criminal. I'm a white guy. He's telling on himself right then and there.

[Tom Segura]

What do you mean? He was basically trying to say that it's racist. Racist? But it's not. Facts aren't racist. It's just clever. Just if. What if they did it themselves? If they did it themselves, if they were the ones that were perpetrating the fraud. The real problem is if they didn't do it themselves, who helped them fill out all those forms? Who helped them organize this? And is this a money laundering thing? And are they filtering this money into other people's accounts? Are they filtering into offshore accounts? Because supposedly. Here's another one. Supposedly they were sending money, like on a regular basis back to Somalia and they were catching them at TSA in Minnesota.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

See if that's true, Jamie.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a lot. It's a lot, you guys. I mean, it's. It's, you know, I guess the. Also, the other question is, when all this is going on, I'm like, do I focus on this? Or, like, are we going to war? Like, you know.

[Tom Segura]

Well, you can only focus on so much. I know that's the thing about the Internet, if you want to get outraged, it's there to feed you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, totally. And then. And then once you click on something, they're just gonna keep feeding you more and more of that. And I'm sort of like, is this as big of a story as my algorithm is telling me it is? Because I remember, you know, and this is, I think, why it's, like, more important than ever to be on stage as much as possible to just corroborate, like, a premise, to make sure that everyone even is aware of it, given our little echo chambers and stuff. But remember when. Remember when Kamala Harris was, like, giving speeches that it kind of seemed like she was shit faced? Like, it just. It sort of seemed like she was like, slurring words or something. Those were, you know, that would come. And I was like, doing this joke about it before the election that was like, you know, like, maybe this is what we need. Like, what's scarier than a, you know, alcoholic woman with no kids? You know, like, she can just be calling up, like, Putin in the middle of the night, like, hey, faggot. Like, she's just, you know, And I was doing. It was doing. Well, everyone got it. And then I was somewhere in like, New York City, I think it was doing. And no one had seen that video. People were like, what are you talking? No one had seen, had any awareness of that. And I was. It was kind of bone chilling because I'm like, eat.

[Tom Segura]

Well, she's probably exhausted, right? That's the other thing. You're running around, you're doing so much. You're campaigning, you're constantly doing. If you catch me. And I'm really tired. I sound like I'm on pills.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like I'm. And then you're probably a little casual about everything because you're doing something. You're repeating the same things over and over again.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Going to these places, you're completely exhausted, or you're coming off of whatever they put you on, totally up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Adrenaline. And, you know, it's also, I think, that they're used to. There's this old way of doing things where you could say the same thing on every platform and no one would cut it all together, you know, that's it.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, here it is. I found it. I'm gonna send this to you, Jamie, because this is a. Apparently a legitimate source.

[Jamie]

I'm looking up this, the main source. They said they got it from said Homeland Security officials told us source called just the news. So I've never I'm just looking up.

[Tom Segura]

Well, this is the tsa.

[Jamie]

Yeah, that's what it says. Yeah. Federal probe, hundreds of million dollars inspected, smaller cash and living. Minneapolis airpl report. It says that this is the source story. So I was just trying to find.

[Tom Segura]

Out if it was a legit source, what they were told, and for sure that money didn't just stay in the community. If, especially if they didn't have the ability to organize this and develop this scam, someone else helped them and those people were getting money from it. So how were they getting the money? Were they getting the money in cash? Was it being sent and wired to offshore accounts? Like, how are they doing it? And what's clear that there's. There's so much money missing, it's in the billions now. It's bigger than the entire GDP of Somalia just from Minnesota. Allegedly wild. The entire GDP of a country. One state's fraud is supposedly over the course of, you know, X amount of days that they. They did.

[Bert Kreischer]

And is it true that the guy that uncovered it was kind of like some guy, like, it was like Nick Shirley kid. Yeah, this like, kid.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good for him.

[Tom Segura]

But I mean, there, there's the other question. Like, did someone direct him towards this? Is this like, you know, and I'm saying, like, is this, like, did the Republicans set this up to try to expose it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Is it.

[Tom Segura]

Is it him? Just being an independent journalist, he seems like a very smart kid. I've seen him. He was on Patrick Bet David's show.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's a virgin.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why do we. Why do we. Why did he. Why do we know that?

[Tom Segura]

Because he's talks about it. He talked about it. He said he was a virgin. He said they can't get him on anything. He can't get me on sexual assault. I'm a virgin. You can't get me on anything.

[Bert Kreischer]

We can get you on being a virgin.

[Tom Segura]

Here we are. Transportation Sec Security administration flagged nearly $700 million in cash detected in passengers luggage leaving the Minneapolis airport in the last two years. That's crazy. Yeah, that's crazy. A massive, massive cash exit believed to be tied the Somali immigrants and their money couriers. Homeland Security officials told just the news. So who's the Homeland Security official, though? You know what I mean?

[Jamie]

I was reading through it. That first statement doesn't say like all. All flat A. That's. Sorry, let me start this over. Some of these were a million dollars and it says that they were legally declared every time they did it.

[Tom Segura]

Right, but you could legally declare it if it was cleared by whoever the is involved in this fraud. Fraud, right. So if you're donating $35 million last year, just last year in 2025 to Democratic politicians from these Somali daycares. Which I believe is true.

[Jamie]

I was trying to look that up.

[Bert Kreischer]

And couldn't find out bundles of cash and luggage. Some as much as a million dollars in a single trip raised suspicions.

[Jamie]

Yeah, this is the part I don't that does. I was like taking each statement as it doesn't say that those were each like that particular one was Somali person. That could have been someone going to Vegas. Could have been someone going by a house. I don't know. Like I'm saying all 335 million.

[Tom Segura]

Nobody buys a house with a million dollars in cash.

[Jamie]

I'm not saying they did. I'm just saying. But it could have been anybody.

[Tom Segura]

It could have been buying a Bugatti. It could have been a poker player.

[Jamie]

Going to the World Series of Poker.

[Tom Segura]

You know Dan Cook's brother.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yep.

[Jamie]

I'm just sort of saying to be.

[Bert Kreischer]

The I don't know, Tony Henchliffe going to the cowboy boot store.

[Jamie]

It's conflating a bunch of stuff together.

[Tom Segura]

Right. Justthenews. Com. Is that a legitimate organization it up. Is that a far right organization? Let's look at their side articles and we'll get a view of what their perspective is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that what you do?

[Tom Segura]

Look that a little larger. Let's. Let's see with it. Trump orders government to buy $200 billion in mortgage bonds to lower rates. That's pro right wing. CDC misled the public with study implying Covid vaccines save healthy kids. UCLA expert warns also right wing USCS is another sanctioned oil tanker in the Caribbean. Sanctioned oil tanker? Not just oil tanker. They were sanctioned right wing. Maduro's ouster leaves China holding the bag on oil investments. Right wing. Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Also what's in UCLA expert.

[Tom Segura]

What's up the top one comrade. No no larger comrade Singham to face house subpoena as a CCP Tide network reveals or leads rather renewed anti ice protests. So it seems like this is a very right wing is just the news. Seems like at least see just the news. No noise.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. House. And House fails to override Trump veto.

[Jamie]

Just said Minnesota travelers alone. I was like well that could be anybody from Minnesota.

[Tom Segura]

Then Minneapolis Travelers alone had 342.37 million in their luggage in 2024. That's a lot of money. Okay, let's find this out. So Minnesota Travelers alone had $342.37 million in their luggage in 2024. So let's put into perplexity. How much money did California travelers have in their luggage in 2024?

[Bert Kreischer]

How many Bitcoin did California travelers have in their.

[Tom Segura]

California travelers have in their luggage in 2024. But who puts that at the TSA?

[Bert Kreischer]

Does anyone ever measure your money when you go through or count it?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Jamie]

You're supposed to declare, I think if you have more than ten grand.

[Bert Kreischer]

But we lie. Everyone.

[Tom Segura]

I know, I know, I know that's true.

[Jamie]

That's what they said with these were all, you know.

[Bert Kreischer]

But if I went through with with $1,000, they'd never would know. Or is it so?

[Tom Segura]

The amount cannot be determined from available data. TSA and regulated agencies track only limited categories such as unclaimed money at checkpoints or certain cash seizures. And these figures are nationwide rather than specific to California travelers or all money carried in their luggage. Okay, so how do they know that about Minnesota?

[Jamie]

Interest coming from one source. That's why I was like, why did they only tell one source? Why wouldn't they have told all that? Like why wouldn't they call Fox? Why wouldn't they call.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Jamie]

Cnn? Why wouldn't.

[Tom Segura]

Also it's this one very right leaning website. Right. It appears right.

[Bert Kreischer]

How do they ascertain cash someone's carrying.

[Tom Segura]

Through a. I mean Tennessee Star has it as well.

[Jamie]

They were just reporting the same article.

[Tom Segura]

From just the news. Right. So that, that's another way that you can distribute propaganda. You have one source and then you send that source out and a bunch of other people repeat it and said as reported by this one website. And that one website might be bullshit.

[Bert Kreischer]

I also like to look at the ads that are on the surrounding the article. Exactly. If it's like gun safe, I'm like, this is right wing. If it's like tampons for men, I'm like, I think this is the left wing one. Okay, got it. That always kind of helps. That's wild. I have a family member who works in like kind of banking and I'm like, what's up with this oil? What's up with the china buying up all the silver? What are we doing? Did you see the doomsday plane?

[Tom Segura]

What's the doomsday plane?

[Bert Kreischer]

The doomsday plane. That I mean could just be a psyop, but it's the doomsday plane. I think it went to California. The one that is in case of a nuclear event, it can hold stay in the sky for a couple days. And self refuel. Ugh. It's made my nipples hard just looking at it. It's gorgeous.

[Tom Segura]

Jamie, Doomsday plane.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jamie, can you pull up this doomsday plane so people listening? Don't think I'm Roseanne.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Doomsday. Trump's doomsday E4B plane cited in Washington and Los Angeles days after Maduro captured.

[Bert Kreischer]

But get that pretty picture up of it. I mean that it looks.

[Tom Segura]

That's a terrible picture.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that just.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, well, that's them citing it. But go back to the art.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at this thing.

[Tom Segura]

That's the doomsday plane. What's that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Isn't that different with the blue strip?

[Tom Segura]

Right, That's. Wait a minute. They're all different.

[Jamie]

This is when they're selling it from Northrop Grumman so anybody can buy it. And then you get it on America's logos on it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

But it's also different in the way it's built. Look at the top of it. Is that the escape pod at the very top where they pop off and go to Mars? It's similar inside the doomsday plane. Okay, so what it. Go back to the article. What is the. We'll put it into perplexity. What is the capacity of the United states states doomsday E4B plane? Like, what does it do?

[Bert Kreischer]

It can like stay in the air for a couple days. It can refuel itself.

[Tom Segura]

What is the capacity of the doomsday plane the United States has?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's chock full of cocaine, ketamine.

[Tom Segura]

Elon made sure it's got mushrooms.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. And accommodate a little over 100 people. With typical published figures ranging from about 108 mission crew up up to roughly 111 to 112 total passengers, total personnel including flight crew and staff and official media descriptions usually summarized as seating for around 110 people. What can it do? Okay, endurance. Look at that. What's the maximum endurance? Click on that.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, this thing is like a beast.

[Jamie]

Okay, give us one answer.

[Tom Segura]

Could stay alive for 150 hours.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's it.

[Tom Segura]

That's not much. With sources describing capabilities from roughly 72 hours up to about a week in sustained operations. So it can fly for a week? That's crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because it can self fuel.

[Tom Segura]

Keep it up, please. And then how long can it stay with aerial refueling? This is what I think you were getting.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It can theoretically remain airborne for several days, limited mainly by crew fatigue and maintenance needs rather than fuel. Multiple sources describe realistic endurance of roughly three to seven days of continuous Flight under sustained operations when supported by tankers and rotation of crew. So here's the thing. If it is a doomsday scenario and you're up in the air for five days, it's just like. That just means you're gonna die in five days.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right. Or do you just pull this out as a message to everybody? You know, because you would only need this if there was a nuclear event, right? So it's the idea to just go like, hey, what just happened in Venezuela? Just so you guys know we're flying this thing around, you know, I guess. When's the last time it flew? When's the last time it made a cameo? Also? I don't. I mean, I know we were texting about the Delta extraction and like, I would never want to. I mean, watching the video of the Delta extraction, how they. Of Maduro, they built like a replica of the building and were blindfolded, like going through it, you know, practicing it and stuff. But it. I was talking to your guy when we were coming over. It could have been pre negotiated, right? There is a chance that that could have been pre negotiated.

[Tom Segura]

They killed 80 of his.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, never mind.

[Tom Segura]

I don't think it was negotiated.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, no, probably not.

[Tom Segura]

Here's one funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it is weird that his wife was there. I guess that was like a thing a couple people flagged.

[Tom Segura]

What did they kidnapped her?

[Bert Kreischer]

Just that she was there and involved.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, well, she's his wife.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

One of the funny ones was somebody posted on Twitter a photograph of this woman and her children and she's in the. The journalist said this woman and her children, her husband and their father was killed. Killed in the U. S. Raid in Venezuela. And then everybody was like, right, what was he there for? What was he doing there?

[Bert Kreischer]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

Was he a mercenary? Like, what was he doing? You know, he was Cuban, apparently, because there was a lot of Cuban defense that they used that Maduro used for whatever reason. I guess communists love each other.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

They hang out with each other, other dictators. Like, hey, let me borrow some of you guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I mean, the guy might have been a mercenary. There was certainly mercenaries working for him. I mean, he had 80 people died that were there protecting him. This stormed in, they didn't lose a single US Service member.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why so sick crazy? I mean, just like flawless.

[Tom Segura]

Other dictators got to be like, yeah, I didn't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, is that why Iran. They there. Was that why Iran was like, now's the time, like to.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, well, the people are cracking Down. The people are out in the streets now, but now, apparently the Islamic regime is assassinating people that are protesting, of course.

[Bert Kreischer]

And your boy, this is where Elon really shines, like, you know, with bringing Starlink over to a country that has cut off WI fi.

[Tom Segura]

Right, right. Because that's what they do. They cut off WI fi so these people can't organize.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it's also been cut off for that. I mean, I don't. I think they've had a limited version version of it for so long.

[Tom Segura]

Well, they definitely kill people who protest. They killed a gold medalist in the Olympics. They killed a guy who was a wrestler gold medalist. Because the UFC tried to get involved and keep this guy from being assassinated. They killed him.

[Bert Kreischer]

You've seen, like, pictures and, like, video of Iran in, like, the seventies and stuff. Crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we did that. Yeah, we did that because they wanted to nationalize their oil. We were like, nah, playa, nah, nah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, hell nah, brah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they had a democratic society. It is entirely because of the intelligence agencies. We went over there and, you know, the. You could find the story. Find the story. So I don't butcher it. But essentially the Shaw was like, hey, why is the British Petroleum company or whatever it was. Why are they making all the money? We'll nationalize our oil. And he was gone, you know, within days. And they put in the Islamic regime, and it has been a religious state ever since then. I mean, that's. That's our doing. Or the British oil company and us, multiple different people. And it essentially, it was all just about his oil or the country's oil, rather.

[Bert Kreischer]

But Maduro, like, he was going to be torn limb to limb at some point, right?

[Tom Segura]

Well, he had a bounty on him by the Biden administration. This is one thing that people need to understand. It wasn't just the Trump administration, the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hunter Biden, that's who to send in.

[Tom Segura]

He had his own administration. He's smoking crazy. Kill him.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's ruining my crack.

[Tom Segura]

No, the Biden administration had a bounty on Maduro. They had, I believe it was 20 million or 22 million trying to get people to off that guy. So it wasn't like we're the only ones that think he was a bad guy. They were trying to use money to get people to kill that guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

And besides the oil of it all, like, were they going to allow China and Russia to put, like, use it, like, to put missiles?

[Tom Segura]

China was there negotiating with Maduro the day the US Came and kidnapped him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bad move, homie.

[Tom Segura]

They came in that Day were having meetings with Maduro, and that night they snatched him out of his bed.

[Bert Kreischer]

You think to get oil or to put nuclear 100% to get oil.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they want that oil. Everybody wants that oil.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so funny, like, when I'm, you know, having a kid, you know, the way that it changes you, but, like, the things you focus on, the things you're obsessed with that keep you up at night. Like, before I had a kid, it was like, is he gonna text me back? Now I'm, like, obsessed with, like, finite resources. I'm like, where's all the helium? Like, we're running out of helium. Like, where's the.

[Tom Segura]

What's helium for besides balloons?

[Bert Kreischer]

Hilarious. Yeah, I won't be able to have a birthday party for my son. What are clowns gonna do? No, it's for ventilators. Although I think we found the ventilators actually in Covid. They killed people, harmed people. But I think it's like, ventilators and medical stuff. Like, you know, helium is finite. Like, there's only a certain amount, and we kind of just use it for, like, the Macy's Day parade, for, like, floats and. But I think that there is actually a lot of helium in Texas, maybe Oklahoma, and then Qatar is like, the other place that it. We have it, but we have a limited supply of helium.

[Tom Segura]

I never even thought about helium before. Except the comedy clubs.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don't get me started on.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, shout out to Philly.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, helium, Philly. Awesome club. Also sand, I think.

[Tom Segura]

Jamie, what's the story behind Iran and the naturalization of their oil?

[Jamie]

Well, that's. I mean, that's a. That's a longer story. Right back to the 50s and 70s.

[Tom Segura]

Right. But when we did it, because we definitely were involved, the US Was involved in overthrowing the legitimate government of Iran.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. Putting. Putting the Ayatollah in. And then they. They ruined the entire country because Iranian.

[Bert Kreischer]

Women are hot, they are beautiful and smart as shit. I truly every. My ob who, like, saved me and my son's life during childbirth. Like, just Iranian, do not play around.

[Tom Segura]

They make great wrestlers, too. United States initially tried to mediate between Britain and Iran during the 1951 nationalization crisis, but then moved to help overturn Iran's elected government to reverse the consequences of the nationalization. It's all about oil. 1953, US officials helped organize the coup that removed Prime Minister Muhammad. How do you say that word? Masa De. I don't know how to say that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm going to leave you out On.

[Tom Segura]

A cliff whose rise had been closely tied to the nationalization of Iranian oil. In March 1951, Iran's parliament voted to nationalize the assets of British owned Anglo Iranian oil company Responding to long standing grievances over low royalties and foreign control. That's it. Nationalist leader became prime minister soon after and made made implementation of nationalization central to his program. So under president Truman, the U. S. Generally opposed the idea of full nationalization in principle but did not want Iran pushed to the collapse or moved toward the Soviet Union. Washington sent envoys such as. Oh, so they wanted to keep it away from the Soviet Union. So they turned into his Islamic regime. Sure. George McGee and W. Avril Harriman to seek a compromise that would preserve western access to oil while accepting some changes to the existing concession. Okay, who would reversal in 5153 under President Eisenhower u. S. Central Intelligence agency work. There it is. Working with Britain's MI6 carried out operation Ajax covert operation to overthrow whatever you say his name is and strengthen the Shah's rule. The coup removed the government most associated with oil nationalization and paved the way in 191954 for an international oil consortium in which five major US oil companies along with British and other firms gained significant stakes in Iranian oil, ending exclusive British control. That's it. We did it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fascinated by ruined it. There was this TV show on, I think National Geographic I want to say, called A little light or a small light that was about like what was going on with you know, in the holocaust. Like it was slow. It was slow. It wasn't just like one day they just got, you know, it was like they, you know, slowly started, you know, seizing art and then, you know, not letting them get jobs. Like how these gradual things happen. Like to go from the 70s of like the women out in bathing suits on the. To like there's women that are, you know, that had enjoyed the freedom and then all of a sudden had to like. It's just so fascinating that like how gradual it is.

[Tom Segura]

Oh yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And how they. You get desensitized. How you make.

[Tom Segura]

It's a frog in boiling water.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. They don't realize they're boiling until it's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Too late or you do know what's.

[Tom Segura]

Happening and that's what's happening right now in New York City.

[Bert Kreischer]

But he said he would stop the carriage horses. So I'm all for it.

[Tom Segura]

I'm kind of down with that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, me too.

[Tom Segura]

I think that's fucked up.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's disgusting.

[Tom Segura]

Those horses do not need to Be wandering around New York City sniffing fucking break dust.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's disgusting.

[Tom Segura]

Carrying assholes around.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's disgusting. I mean it's, you know, you know, me and my like horse thing, but it's, it's so disgusting. And you know, the amount, it's like nobody knows how many elephants kill their trainers a year and how many. You know, all kinds of crazy. We saw the orca kill the trainer, you know, but stuff like that happens so often and they just cover it up. But the amount of carriage horses, a couple of them got out and we've seen them get out and we've seen them collapse and all this horrific stuff and, and something else is going on with it, which is, and look, I'm the first person to say, like New York was really safe when the mafia was, you know, kind of like there's that documentary about how they would sort of protect people in the subways and you sort of would fill in where the government couldn't. But there's something going on with the horse carriage business. A horse got out who was 29 years old. Archie was his name.

[Tom Segura]

29.

[Bert Kreischer]

29, yeah. It only had a couple more years and I tried to negotiate with them. Got a bunch of friends that have like fu. Money and basically said, you're gonna get $38,000 cash. This is a horse that's pretty much done, right? Cash. We'll take the horse in the middle of the night. No social media, nothing. And they said no. The amount of money they're making is so insane. And it's mostly, it's mostly tourists, honestly.

[Tom Segura]

They make that much money from horse drawn carriages?

[Bert Kreischer]

Tons, tons. Tons from other countries of people that have different ideas of animal respect towards animals than we do.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, so it's mostly foreigners riding in the horse.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't think it's a lot of.

[Tom Segura]

White people in those.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, really? Well, yeah, Polish people? Russian white, Goofy. Yeah, maybe that, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, we're in a horse. It's so romantic. We're out in the, the air and.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, it'd be so much sick. I, I pitch them, like do robot horses, like sick dinosaurs. Do like a dinosaur trolley ride or something around the city. That'd be so much.

[Tom Segura]

Jamie, I sent that thing about the lady that's now in charge of housing in New York. This is wild. This one's what she wants to like kill real estate value. That's her idea. Like she wants to like, literally to make housing more affordable. She wants to kill real estate value.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's an inelastic. Good.

[Tom Segura]

You can't well, she's. It's moronic.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, this woman.

[Tom Segura]

Listen to this lady. Listen to this.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she has like a million dollar house.

[Tom Segura]

Her mom does.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, well, of course, the housing is owned by a collective, and people are paying 30% of their income in order to live in their housing. If your income is zero, you pay zero. If your income is $500,000 a year, you're paying 30% of that. And the government is providing the sort of. The government is the sort of owner, or not even the owner. The government doesn't have to be the owner, but the government is what's making sure all of that sort of works and cash flows.

[Tom Segura]

The debt to GDP ratio right now is the highest since World War II. So how can the federal government also afford to start subsidizing rental housing costs?

[Bert Kreischer]

The federal government prints money. The federal government can provide money for them.

[Tom Segura]

So it's by printing money. Sure, that's her idea. Print money. The federal government print money to provide housing. Jack up interest rates. Jack up the fucking debt. Print money to provide housing. And everyone pays 30% for housing.

[Bert Kreischer]

First of all, why are you talking to me in a hoodie? What? Like, what mental illness is that? Like, how dare you? First of all, you look like powder. You look like. Yeah, like, first of all. First of all, get a blowout, throw some mascara. Like, we're. Are we professionals anymore? You're in a Costco hoodie and a T shirt. Like, what are we doing?

[Tom Segura]

Well, you see, they've confronted her about these ideas and she breaks down crying.

[Bert Kreischer]

But she didn't even know what she's saying. She was. Well, sort of like, she was kind of.

[Tom Segura]

We won't own it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Her training was ucb. Like, she's just improvising an idea. No, the government does that. She's not even making eye contact. Like, damn.

[Tom Segura]

Well, a lot of these Wokies, they come from rich families. They feel bad about being privileged.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And one specifically thing, she said it was gonna really impact white people.

[Bert Kreischer]

What is fascinating about that is that because I think she believes she's coming from the moral high ground. I think this is what's really sort of. It is someone who I feel like is similar to you. And then I'm like, I was as liberal. I had blue hair, you guys.

[Tom Segura]

I remember when you had blue hair.

[Bert Kreischer]

I rescue pit bulls. Like, it doesn't get any more liberal than me. Like, it doesn't get any anymore. But the whole idea with being liberal is like, you had me at we're not racist. Everyone's equal, but, you know, diversity. But then it turns into diversity communism. Diversity, but not diversity of thought. Right. The hypocrisy of it got. And I think that as comics, we're people who, you know, I may not be an expert in politics, but I'm an expert on hypocrisy. When you grow up around alcoholics who say, I love you and. And then their behaviors in Congress, you study, you look for patterns of hypocrisy. That's just what we're wired to do. So it just started to just be like, hold on. We don't believe in gender, but we need a female president. You're like, huh? And then it's like, my body, my choice. Unless it's a baby that needs a vaccine for hepatitis B, which comes from butt sex. Like, what are you? Right?

[Tom Segura]

And sharing needles.

[Bert Kreischer]

And sharing needles. And then we believe in climate change and sea is rising, but we live on the coast. Like, would you buy a house on the beach if you truly believed that the seas. Yeah. You know, we believe in recycling, but why can't you give Andrew Yang another shot? Like, why won't you give. Where did Beto go? Remember Beto o'? Rourke?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that guy was a mess.

[Bert Kreischer]

But he. But any more so than any.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, yeah, he's a mess.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, worse than.

[Tom Segura]

No, I mean, they're all a mess. Like, when you have these blanket progressive ideas, you've attached yourself to an ideology, and that ideology you'll defend because it's your idea. It's you. It's who you are.

[Bert Kreischer]

But didn't he. He at least seemed, you know. You know, I didn't know that much about what. From what I knew, he made a joke about his wife taking care of the kids. And the left was like, you're sexist. Hate women. It was like this. But what I saw with her was this idea of, I'm so moral that I don't even have to make a good argument. And the left stopped making an argument or even outlining what they're just, well, no, I'm moral and I'm better than you and I don't have to even make an argument. Argument.

[Tom Segura]

Well, that. I mean, I don't know when she gave that interview. So let's suppose she gave that interview a long time ago, before she had this job, and she was just saying, this is what ideally I would like. And then she gets the job. Right. And now when she's. What is her official job?

[Jamie]

2021 was the interview the office of Office to Protect Tenants.

[Tom Segura]

So was she working for that office back then? No, no, no, no.

[Jamie]

She would have been, I think, on Montana Dami's. I don't even know if he was running. He wouldn't have been running back in 2021.

[Bert Kreischer]

Woody.

[Jamie]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

Well, she definitely was doing podcasts with him back then.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, she definitely just got out of soul cycle in this video, and.

[Jamie]

But, yeah, I don't know what her actual position was back at the time. She might have been on his campaign.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, so this was reason. And they were having this conversation with her.

[Jamie]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And so to lead the city's office, to protect tenants. Look, there's definitely slum lords. You should definitely protect tenants. There's definitely shitty owners and landlords.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's basically saying government housing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but that. What. What she's saying is crazy. Like, taking 30% of whatever you make. That's nuts. So if you make a billion dollars a year, if you're Elon Musk or whoever it is, you. You have to pay 30%.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's bananas.

[Bert Kreischer]

The thing about New York, and maybe this is, you know, and I don't. I don't even know what, you know, side. Anything, an idea makes anybody on anymore. Sometimes I'll say someone, and people be like, oh, so you're like, alt left. And I'm like, I don't know. I just thought that was a good idea. Then people are like, oh, so you're, like, super conservative. I'm like, no, I just adopt.

[Tom Segura]

Don't shop.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you got it. And so.

[Tom Segura]

Or shop. Don't adopt.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so New York is expensive. That's the deal. If you don't have. You can't. I remember one time going to Howard Stern's house, and Howard Stern is. He's got more money, the guy. And it was, like, still in. He was able to get two. Buy two floors of a. But it's still like an apartment. You know what I mean? It's like New York. This is what. Whatever, $100 million, whatever gets you in New York.

[Tom Segura]

Like, I know it's not.

[Bert Kreischer]

Still not that big. Like. Like, I know my horse is stable. Yeah. My horse's stable is, like, twice the size of this.

[Tom Segura]

But if you want to live in the city for convenience, that's what it costs.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So it's like.

[Tom Segura]

And if you're Jeffrey Epstein, somebody donates your house.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right. An office on the Harvard campus. I love it when people that are professors at Harvard are like, I was professor at Harvard. Like, well, so Epstein had An office, too. But, like, okay. I feel like it's just like, New York's supposed to be expensive. That's the deal, you know? And, you know, I had a place there for, like, a year. I remember I was in, like, Chelsea area and. Cause I just want to go back and forth. I was like, there's something about New York that does really put a fire under your ass. Like, I remember, you know, actually, it was Dice back in the day. I used to just ask comics, like, you know, because you're just. You're a nobody, and you're just starting, and you're in the hallway with a legend, like, what do you say? You know, And I would always just go, like, if you have any advice, happy to hear it. You know, Some people love giving advice. Other people, I was, like, going up to Bill Burr, like, help me. Like, I could read the vibe. And he said, sleep. Like, get as much sleep as you can. And then he was like, like, when you make it, make sure you don't get too comfortable. Because, like, as comics, we still need to kind of. And I think that for a long. For a long time, I. I think I took bad advice that maybe I had just gleaned. I don't remember anyone giving it to me of, like, you have to be crazy to be funny or your life has to be a mess to be funny. I think a lot of comics hold on to that. If I ever get happy or have a kid or am in a healthy relationship, I won't be as funny. I don't think that's true. I actually think it freed up bandwidth, like, getting out of that.

[Tom Segura]

It doesn't have to be true, but it can be true.

[Bert Kreischer]

It can be. That's right.

[Tom Segura]

Well, comfort can make people fat, too. It can get lazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

But also, it's like, if you're not, you know, that's why I go to the grocery store, you know? Not that I, you know, wouldn't. But, like, you gotta make sure that you're still in the trenches and that you still don't. You don't make your life so easy.

[Tom Segura]

That, you know, you're not disassociated. You're not disconnected from the outside world.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right. And just atrophied, like, and less resilient and, you know. And you know. So what am I talking about? This is where mom brain does come in.

[Tom Segura]

You were talking about New York City.

[Bert Kreischer]

New York City. So I'm in New York City, and I just wanted to write new stuff. It was like, things were going well. I bought a house, and I was like, you know, New York, just a little more of a dog fight. And I wanted to go to the Cellar and, you know, the stand and all these places. And I'm in this apartment. It's probably.

[Tom Segura]

What year is this?

[Bert Kreischer]

8. Right before the pandemic. Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You got an apartment in New York before the pandemic?

[Bert Kreischer]

For, like, it was. I was already out of it probably six months before.

[Tom Segura]

So were you going back and forth?

[Bert Kreischer]

I had it for a year. I was going back and forth because I also was, like, touring so much that I would go, okay, if I'm going to be in, you know, Florida at the end of, you know, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, I should just go to New York, because then I'm going to North Carolina that Thursday anyway. I was just, like, doing clubs to work on the new hour. Like, I might.

[Tom Segura]

And you're single, so it's easy to have a kid.

[Bert Kreischer]

Exactly. And let me just stay on the East Coast, Right. And. And let me just, like, do a software update. It's like, Ari made me go on a hike for the months, and he's like, you need to go to Somalia for a year with no phone. I was like, I'll just. How about I get a place in New York? York?

[Tom Segura]

Ari's ridiculous. His ideas are so ridiculous.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll go to Little Italy. How about that? For the.

[Tom Segura]

Should go to Tibet.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

She live in a yurt in Mongolia.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I remember, like, every time I would turn on the. The bathtub, the toilet would. The effluvium from the toilet would come through the bathtub. It was like some wild dude. And then there was also a elevator in the building that people kick it off on your floor. So half the time I'd be sleeping in, like, a bunch of dudes would just, like, get off, you know? And I had this plumber come, and I was like, oh, can you help with the shit? The gutter, Going into the bath. The one thing that's relaxing is a bath. And then I'm just, like, in sewage. And he was like, it's New York. And I was like, no. But, like, can you fix it? He's like, nah. Like, his job is just going around to people and reminding them they live in New York. And this is the deal.

[Tom Segura]

Like, there's no way to stop the fucking sewer water.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's like, I could snake it. But, like, that's not. It's just. This is. And this is part of why, like, Trump won, like, like, infrastructure. You know, there's pipes Explode all the time because they're just hitting their limit of being, you know, hundred. Whatever years old. Like. But New York is the place you go when you kind of, you know, want to be in a dog fight on a daily basis. You're gonna be spending more every time you sit down. It's 100 bucks. You know, it's. Even if you get affordable housing in New York, like a bottle of water or food, like, everything's expensive there.

[Tom Segura]

Right, Right. You know, because it has to be brought in.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's emotionally expensive. It's literally expensive, figuratively expensive. Like, it's, you know, I.

[Tom Segura]

This lady's gonna reduce all that. It's gonna make everything valueless.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like. Like. But why would you want to take the V? Yeah. I mean, there's things that are artificial value, like art and stuff like that, but land is.

[Tom Segura]

What's probably going to do is it's probably going to lead to some sort of a Republican government there. They're probably going to be a lot of backlash. People are probably going to organize, probably going to realize that you can't have communism, and it'll go.

[Bert Kreischer]

It'll swing the other way because everyone's kind of leaving. Right. All the people with money are leaving New York. So. So they're saying, like, fucking Robert De.

[Tom Segura]

Niro was talking about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa.

[Tom Segura]

He's like the king of New York is savings. Funny if that's accurate, but also, that might have been a. Might have been a fake quote.

[Bert Kreischer]

They need to use everybody's tax dollars to pay for all this. But all the taxpayers are leaving. That are big money.

[Tom Segura]

Exactly, Exactly. But if they're taxing everybody. The thing is, it's like, you can't just tax your way out of problems, because we know that that money goes and it's. It's grossly inefficient what they do with it. The government is not good at using your money. They've never been good. There's not, like, one example of the government doing an amazing job with your money. Originated as satire. There it is. It's fake.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, he owns, like, hotels there. He does, like, the film festival there and everything. Right? He's like, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, he loves it there.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's like the guy.

[Tom Segura]

People stand outside his house and yell.

[Bert Kreischer]

At him in New York.

[Tom Segura]

Crazy Trump people. I mean, they know where he lives, so they stand outside his house and yell at him. You, Bobby.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good for everybody.

[Tom Segura]

Trump won, Bobby, you loser. That's the crazy thing about living in New York. Somebody just walk right up to your door. If you have one of those walk ups. Knock, knock, knock. It's. The sidewalk is in front of your house. That's what De Niro lives. Let's go. Knock. Didn't some crazy person break into his house recently?

[Bert Kreischer]

An ex wife, like a lady?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I think like some crazy lady stalker broke into his house and he wasn't there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Lady stalkers can really get far because no one thinks that they're. I don't want to talk about one too much, but there's one in my life who can just.

[Tom Segura]

Serial burglar accused of breaking into Robert De Niro's New York City townhouse. Went on new crime spree after release on bail.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did they know it was Robert De Niro, 2023?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Who is this person?

[Bert Kreischer]

How do they know he lived?

[Tom Segura]

Serial burglar Shanice Villas was allegedly caught red handed trying to steal Oscar winning actors Christmas presents. Whoa. She's the Grinch. She was released from Rikers on May 3. Since then she's been charged at least two more thefts, including one in which she allegedly snuck into a Columbia University building and slugged a security guard. She's a villain.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I love like a Christmas present marauder.

[Tom Segura]

Well, she was charged with stealing $416 worth of merchandise from a TJ Maxx on 6th Avenue.

[Bert Kreischer]

You can get a lot for that amount. Yeah, the TJ Maxx, that's like most of the story.

[Tom Segura]

She was busted again. Let me see her face. See if I can see cra. Yep. Crazy. Look at her eyebrows.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are those shaved?

[Tom Segura]

Look at her face. Yeah, you got me. Whatever, Whatever. Poor Robert.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, like what? Like if you're stealing Robert De Niro's Christmas presents, like, what's she gonna do with an aura ring?

[Tom Segura]

Security guard patrolling the building around 6:30pm Spotted tools sitting near an open window that should have been locked shut. Then found Avila's inside the building. She used tools filling up her bag with various items. According to a criminal complaint. Yeah, she used tools broken in the house. Bro, get a dog. Get a Belgian mallet. Oh, dude, get a meat missile.

[Bert Kreischer]

People not having dogs. Like, what are you doing? I don't know how to convince. I mean, yeah, I never have problems like that. I leave all my doors unlocked.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I wouldn't do that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm like, I wish a motherfucker would.

[Tom Segura]

Whoa.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, I have large dogs.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but still shoot your dogs pretty easy.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then so your new dog was Marshall, like instantly like loved him.

[Tom Segura]

Of course they're best friends for the new dogs. Also, like A little anti wolf. They've taken wolves and turned them into these cute cuddly little things you can carry around with you.

[Bert Kreischer]

When I look at that, that to me is like, I feel like humans were kind of like, this is never going to change. But things do change fast sometimes. Like, you know, like smoking. I remember when I first moved to la, people were smoking inside. And then I remember people going outside to smoke. Like it just in our lifetime we like watched like a huge change.

[Tom Segura]

Like they banned smoking in bars.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Huge cataclysmic changes like can happen.

[Tom Segura]

Know. But that's just because the people that were working in the bars were getting cancer. So if the thing is like I want to be able to smoke in a bar, that's great. But what about the poor waitress?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right. The second hands. Right.

[Tom Segura]

This lady who just wants to make a living and doesn't even smoke now she has lung cancer. That's crazy. So that, that is a. That's a liability for the organization, for the city.

[Bert Kreischer]

Totally.

[Tom Segura]

It's bad for everybody.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Pregnant women can't come drink at the bar.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Go outside and you can.

[Tom Segura]

You can't prank if you're pregnant with your kid. I know. I'm kidding.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm kidding. What now you tell damn it, Joe.

[Tom Segura]

But also you can get hip, be shot.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm obsessed with the things that are so dangerous that used to just be places like in shoe stores. They used to have little X ray machines and shoe stores. Yep. And people started getting foot cancer that worked there. Cause all day they just put their foot in the X ray machine.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Cause that's how they used to. I remember. Cause there was a shoe store where my mom lived and it had like an old antique one. Like an old antique antique one with a little X ray machine.

[Tom Segura]

That's crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Crazy. And if you're working there and you're bored and you're just sticking your foot in it all day, that's nuts.

[Tom Segura]

I never knew that that's how they.

[Bert Kreischer]

Would take your foot size.

[Tom Segura]

Isn't it nuts how like new technology, they have no idea it's killing people.

[Bert Kreischer]

No clue.

[Tom Segura]

Do you know about the radium?

[Bert Kreischer]

Girls love it already.

[Tom Segura]

This is a horrible story. Story. So when you have a watch, like, you know, like a Rolex, and it's at night, you could see its loom. So during the daytime it charges up at the light. And at night you can see the indicators. They light up. They glow in the dark. The reason they glow in the dark is because they're radioactive.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So they paint. Not now, I don't think, but they paint them. And so these girls were touching the tips of this paintbrush when they were painting lume on these dials and they were all getting horrific cancer where they were getting holes. Holes in their face. See if you can find some of the images.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, bummer.

[Jamie]

That's not.

[Tom Segura]

Well, there's some images of iridium sickness.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are these just your porn searches, Jamie?

[Jamie]

We're looking for the uranium girls.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's why I look. Bummer.

[Tom Segura]

Radium Girls is like, I think there's a documentary. Yeah, there. No, there's a movie from 2020. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because that's Joey the Dark.

[Tom Segura]

Story of America's Shining women.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, well, it's like all kinds of stuff like this. Like Christopher Reeves wife got lung cancer from his machine.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, God.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. That kind of stuff kills me.

[Tom Segura]

I, I, oh my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

I always think about nail girls. The girls that are in there doing acrylic nails. Like you're just inhaling this all day.

[Tom Segura]

I know. And they wear like a mask, like a surgeon's mask.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, hey, that's just so they can talk about us.

[Tom Segura]

But, but that surgeon's mask is not going to help you from the fumes. Yeah, people that work around toxic chemicals. I was reading this thing about women that clean that Women that work with cleaning solvents all day, they get lung cancer and it's like they're smoking three packs a day.

[Bert Kreischer]

Totally. Like my, the woman that's been with me, she's like my family who helps me maintain my house. It's all we make it, it's all clean, you know, like not ammonia, organic stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like vinegar and.

[Tom Segura]

Well, you should just have that in your house.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tea tree and stuff. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

If not, if it's not you cleaning, you don't want that shit in your house, period.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but then like as women then we like spray our hair and put a bunch of makeup on, you know?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're all high at all times, just chock full of chemicals. Like, it's so wild. You think about the amount of endocrine disruptors we put on on a daily.

[Tom Segura]

Basis, but pumping botulism into your face to keep it from moving.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know what? I don't do it anymore.

[Tom Segura]

Ah, congratulations on your eyebrows. Before it moves. Your eyebrows have been free.

[Bert Kreischer]

It really is. My hairline went back.

[Tom Segura]

Well, you said you've been doing the red light. Red light is the key.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yep.

[Tom Segura]

Like red light. It brings collagen to your skin. It Gives your skin a more youthful appearance. It. It, like, helps your entire body heal better. It helps your mitochondria. But we were talking about this before the podcast for both of us. It's improved our vision.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

It really has. Like, my vision was on a downward, like, very steady Teddy. Like, I have these things here, these reading glasses. I don't use those at all anymore. Yeah, I can completely read my phone now with no reading glasses. And before, it was a blurry mess.

[Bert Kreischer]

Also, by the way, everyone I know with kids, like, they're. And I'll be exaggerating a little bit, but their kids are getting glasses so young and having eye stuff so young.

[Tom Segura]

They're staring at screens all the time. You know, one of the things that you're supposed to do is if you're staring at something, like, really close to your face all the time, you should take breaks and look at things that are far away, because otherwise, I guess your cornea reshapes and. And, like, your eyes literally become more accustomed to trying to look at things closer. It just your eyes up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right, right.

[Tom Segura]

And then this. The light from the screen.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's good. I know. I try to do the blue light glasses as, like, much as I can. The amount of glasses and lights I have, like, in my house right now looks like a chemistry studio. But, yes, I got. So I do red light on my skin. And because I was like, you know, look, the Botox thing is, like, TV executive. Ages ago, when I was truly, like, in my 20s. The way they sell you on Botox is they say it's preventative, and you.

[Tom Segura]

Go, oh, yeah, okay, in your 20s.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, 27. I was, like, making a TV show, a couple TV shows. And they were like, well, she looks tired. I'm like, yeah, because I'm tired. Because you keep sending me notes at 2 in the morning to take out all the good jokes, like, of course I'm tired. And so they say to do it so that you don't get wrinkles later. And then you're like, okay, well, now I'm 35. Why am I still getting it? Shouldn't I enjoy the prevention now? It just sort of becomes a do this forever. And I was like, I don't even know who I'm doing this for at this point. I just was like, I guess especially.

[Tom Segura]

If you just want to be a comic and you don't want to be cast in TV roles anymore or movie roles.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but even in TV roles, you can't act if you don't have expression on your face. That's the whole thing. You know, We've all seen actors where we're like, I. You just see one teardrop go down.

[Tom Segura]

Yo, I'm right here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. You know, bro, the rise of bro is weird.

[Tom Segura]

I shouldn't, but I do. I judge men very badly when I think they have Botox. When I see a man's face doesn't move, I'm like, I am not listening to anything coming out of your mouth.

[Bert Kreischer]

Especially when it's hot on a guy. Why not enjoy the benefit of age looking good on a man?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, because a certain amount of age, they're like, oh, my God, I'm so old. When you get to, like, that Stallone age, like, he was at the White House receiving some fucking award. You know, there's a bunch of guys that went to the White House and got awards. Did you ever see that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Sorry. Awards are so silly. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You stand there and they put it around your neck. You're like, yep, I deserve this.

[Bert Kreischer]

But there's.

[Tom Segura]

Stallone is there. And it looks so crazy, like he used to be my canary in a coal mine. Because I'm like, wow, you could be 70. Be jacked.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

This is awesome, you know, because, like, he kept it together for a long time. Like, he was in great shape for a long time, but now he looks. Looks like he's just doing a bunch of stuff, I think. Look at him there. That's crazy. First of all, that hairline is crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

This whole lineup of people is batshit. Can you print this out so I can just put it in my bathroom to just.

[Tom Segura]

Pacino. Who's the guy?

[Bert Kreischer]

We should know the answer. Is that Gene Simmons?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The woman.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, no. Gene Simmons is there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is this the trans.

[Tom Segura]

The trans salon? 70 degrees, 79 years old.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let me see. Well, that was his wife.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but it's just like. So who's there? Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons.

[Bert Kreischer]

What was.

[Tom Segura]

And Stallone. And who's the guy in the back?

[Bert Kreischer]

Are these the Benjamin Button Awesome Awards? Like, what is the actual award?

[Tom Segura]

Who's the guy in the far right? It doesn't say. Michael Crawford, whoever that is. I'm sure he's been in a bunch of stuff. I enjoyed his name.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like entertainers.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Okay, so they all got a big award, but it's just the way Stallone looked. It was like, God, what are you doing?

[Bert Kreischer]

It looks like a facelift.

[Tom Segura]

Is it Trump Kennedy Center? Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, sure.

[Tom Segura]

So he. He was acknowledging his 80s heroes with awards. I used to like, you in the 80s.

[Bert Kreischer]

But by the way, just ask them to go to dinner. Like, how insecure that you have to like, give an award. Like there was. What was it? Was it Cosby that Harvard, like, gave him a fake award just to see if he would show up and he showed up.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Like how narcissists will just show up to accept like, greatest comedy person of ever. And he like, showed up and accepted it and they didn't. And they had to like, get him from the airport. They were like, this was like a joke.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Are you sure, Jamie?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know anything about that.

[Bert Kreischer]

They go to Blue sky award.

[Tom Segura]

Go to Blue Sky.

[Bert Kreischer]

They like the Hasty Pudding or whatever Harvard's comedy troop is.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, they did it did like a.

[Bert Kreischer]

Prank where they'll give celebrities awards just.

[Tom Segura]

To see if they show up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And Cosby showed up.

[Tom Segura]

That's actually funny. Conan and his friend. Okay, Conan o' Brien convinced Cosby that he's of aware. Awarded fake the Harvard Lampoon's lifetime achievement in comedy to be presented at Harvard. Bill Cosby actually flew all the way in a private plane to be picked up by Conan in his parents station wagon. A modified bowling trophy was given as an award. Oh, boy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, he showed up to get it.

[Tom Segura]

That's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Imagine.

[Tom Segura]

That is hilarious.

[Bert Kreischer]

Imagine.

[Tom Segura]

So that was Conan when he was in Harvard?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's so fun. There's so many fun writers came out of Harvard.

[Bert Kreischer]

Out of Harvard? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Lampoon.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's kind of crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's kind of crazy. I mean, it's interesting because they've, you know, not to like, talk about TV dorkery, but I know a lot of them were friends with a lot of them. But like, there was a little bit of like a elitism. I think it's part of what made TV start becoming kind of irrelevant is these sort of like elite writers from Harvard who don't necessarily have a. You know, I think that the best comedy, everyone can see themselves in it, or it's about something that we can all kind of relate to on some level. That's all these sort of kids going to a, you know, $70,000 a year elite school making shows like the Office and show, you know, these comedies that, you know, you know, look like it's. It's a lot of my friends worked on the Office. I love you guys. Soon get me in trouble. But it is kind of like making fun of poor people. It's like, wouldn't it be funny if people, like, worked at a paper mill and like, went To Chili's. Like, what a bunch of losers. It's like my family members, like, go to Chili's.

[Jamie]

That is real photo. That's Conan right there. He was 19 when this happened.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, they had to, like, scramble to pick him up.

[Tom Segura]

That's actually amazing.

[Jamie]

On a podcast.

[Tom Segura]

I think that's what I just found. That's actually amazing that he did that. That's actually amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, that is. I love the little things where when you find out someone was a sociopathic monster, that you're like, we should have known. Even though it had nothing to do with drugging women. Like the fact that he showed up to receive this award.

[Tom Segura]

Well, actually, the Harvard Lampoon is like a famous comedy thing, so it would make sense that they would give him an award.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's true. That's true.

[Tom Segura]

And before he was a monster, he. I mean, like, you look at that image there. That's a black and white image. So Conan was 19. Conan's got to be in his late 50s, right? How old is Conan now?

[Jamie]

Yeah, this was an 85.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, so he was very respected back then. Yeah, like, Bill Cosby was the man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bill, look, that show, I. I mean, when I tell you, like, my top five shows, it's Cosby. You know, Martin Married with Children was really big.

[Tom Segura]

Can you even get Cosby anymore? Have they hid that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Maybe not even. Cuz no one thought it was weird that he was a gynecologist that worked out of his basement.

[Tom Segura]

Like, how about that one episode where he had his secret barbecue sauce that made everybody horny?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

Nobody. But no, remember how fucking who greenlit that? You're gonna drug people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cliff Huxtable would walk up the stairs from his basement, take off plastic gloves.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, because he was just touching pussies.

[Bert Kreischer]

That would have just been inside a woman.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God. Presumably he would just be like, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like whatever he was doing. And then be like, anyway, so what's for dinner? And you're like, wait, hold on.

[Tom Segura]

That's nuts. I didn't know that. I never watched that show.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was a gynecologist and he'd work.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't even know he was a gynecologist. Out of his head house. Oh, my God. That's.

[Bert Kreischer]

He would deliver babies. But that's crazy. Yeah, I always thought that was wild.

[Tom Segura]

So crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

He'd take the plastic gloves off at the top of the stairs, like.

[Tom Segura]

Like dating a girl once back in the day. And she told me that her gynecologist hit on her and she said she was so creeped out, her gynecologist called her up at home and asked her out on a date. And she was like, what? Cuz he got a chance to take a look at that t. Look pretty good.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, it's so crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Your gynecologist asks you on a day and you're at home and this is back, by the way. Like when I don't. I guess they had caller ID in the 80s, so this would be after they had caller ID. Like, you probably think the doctor's calling you up because like, by the way.

[Bert Kreischer]

Didn'T we just go on one?

[Tom Segura]

Just figured me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What was that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on. What's your definition of a date?

[Tom Segura]

I thought we were a thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're together, you see my.

[Tom Segura]

And my. I've been in the stirrups.

[Bert Kreischer]

You fingered me and have all my money. Like, Jesus Christ. That is. I mean, it is interesting that today for a guy to become a gynecologist. I know. It's like the only way. You know, only men could be back in the day. But now for a guy to be like, I'm in med school to be a gynecologist.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Everybody's like, what? Right? Like, if I was a woman, I would never go to a male gynecologist.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, good.

[Tom Segura]

That's crazy. No, just the idea. If he's heterosexual and he's staring at your cooter and thinking about sliding up.

[Bert Kreischer]

In there or the opposite. Or if he, like, doesn't care, you're like, why are you not looking?

[Tom Segura]

I'm not excited.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Why'd you put gloves on?

[Tom Segura]

Look at that thing. Yeah, look at it shine. I put glitter on it just for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you remember that?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Butt, butt glitter.

[Tom Segura]

Butt glitter. For real.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Remember?

[Tom Segura]

But.

[Bert Kreischer]

But Crystal, remember? Okay. There were be dazzling pussy bedazzlings.

[Tom Segura]

No way.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. This was a thing.

[Tom Segura]

Did that give you cancer too, like baby powder does?

[Bert Kreischer]

It was a thing. Definitely something. But yeah, there was. I'm just always fascinated by like, conflating, like, feminism with just, like, just. What are we doing? Bedazzling our pussies. Like we're not, like, free the nipple. Like we're.

[Jamie]

Joe isn't off on something.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, okay. Is this William Butts, the hot new.

[Tom Segura]

Trend for summer glitter butt. That's so ridiculous. Like, don't look at my butt. But look, it's glittery. That's hilarious.

[Jamie]

There's also the butt plug thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, there was.

[Tom Segura]

So where are these people wearing these glitter pants? I mean, it's not even pants. That was Another thing that hoes would do back in the day, remember? They would just paint their tits. And you can kind of go out in public with paint on your tits. Like on New Year's Eve and stuff like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And people go, oh, you're topless. No, I can't pee.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I was like, why are you looking? It's like. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

What? Okay. These girls have glitter all over their pants, by the way. How toxic is that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on. Go. That's just. Hold on.

[Tom Segura]

So we talked about the wizard of Oz and that poor dude who had to play the Tin Man. That guy got up by that paint.

[Bert Kreischer]

So did the. The woman. That was the witch. She got her face cut. Caught on fire.

[Tom Segura]

Oh. Oh, caught on fire.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Which, by the way, now we pay dermatologists to set our faces on fire. But back then that was accidental. It was layer skin off. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

She will look young again. Gotta get to that. Young.

[Bert Kreischer]

Was it. What was it asbestos or what?

[Tom Segura]

Well, she had green paint on her face all day long, but. Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

And Tin man, it was.

[Tom Segura]

He had like. It was aluminum, I think.

[Bert Kreischer]

Aluminum. That's correct.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Which we put in deodorant. Fine.

[Tom Segura]

Not the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not the kind I use.

[Tom Segura]

Dr. Squatch. It's natural. Yeah, works too. That lasts all day long. Dr. Squatches.

[Bert Kreischer]

Also, if I stink that.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, no, you don't want to smell me. Me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, really?

[Tom Segura]

No, no, no. I mean, when I don't have. When I don't have deodorant on and I like, work out and hang out all day and I'll smell myself and get disgusted, but, like, smell myself and gag.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll do, like, wipes. I'll just wipe it, you know, you.

[Tom Segura]

Don'T want to smell.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's good.

[Tom Segura]

You don't want to get in there.

[Bert Kreischer]

But we're not. It's. I don't. I just. This whole thing where we all have to smell like a moonlit path.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but you don't want to smell like a monkey in the zoo. That's what I smell.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, I don't know. It's kind of a power move, I guess. You know how, like, they say, like.

[Tom Segura]

Ronnie Danger, sexy wife, she's plugging.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. No, you know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry to your wife. I love her too much to encourage this.

[Tom Segura]

Like, it's like, deal with my breath. What? I brush your fucking teeth. Are you crazy?

[Bert Kreischer]

But isn't there something about, like, smelly? If someone smells bad like your wife, your BO probably smells good to her. Huberman actually talked about this when he was on my podcast back in the day about, like, if someone doesn't smell good to you, it means you're probably related.

[Tom Segura]

I think you need to talk to her. She would probably correct you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I fucking smell gross.

[Bert Kreischer]

I eat mostly meat because you're always in ketosis. Yeah, that's different.

[Tom Segura]

Rotten meat coming out of my pores and pneumonia from sweat.

[Bert Kreischer]

But if someone's like, morning breath smells bad to you and they just, you.

[Tom Segura]

Know, like, everybody's morning breath smells bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's true.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But if you got to be really horny to make out with someone in the morning, like, full on, make like you got it. That's like. That's ultimate. I don't give a fuck.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What your breast smells like. That's like, crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just. Yeah. Flip me over like an adult.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, don't. It's like, if you don't care about yeast infections, who cares about that smell? Let's go. Let's go.

[Bert Kreischer]

There is something sick about once you birth a child. You're so tapped into this, like, feral, like, it's just so wild that I don't even think about morning breath anymore.

[Tom Segura]

It's.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're just like.

[Tom Segura]

Well, you're cleaning diapers all the time. It's like when I was on Fear Factor, I didn't even flinch if someone threw open of me. I'd seen so many people throw up. Like, one time. One time, my wife threw up in her car. And this is how, like, I am immune to throw up because some people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Puke if they see.

[Tom Segura]

Because of all my years on Fear Factor, I'm completely immune. When I was a kid, if you threw up in the hallway in high school, I'd be like, which.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, there's a biological basis for that. We probably ate the same thing right in the tribe.

[Tom Segura]

Exactly. That got wiped out of me on fear factor 100%. She was coming. Coming home from the gym and she drank wheatgrass juice and she threw up in her center console.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yep, I'm done.

[Tom Segura]

And she was crying. She was like, okay, but now I can't even clean it. So disgusting. I'll clean it. Like, I don't give a. I cleaned the whole thing. I got in there with towels. I cleaned her puke out. It didn't even make me flinch. I'd seen so many people puke. I've seen people puke for days and days. And, I mean, I did 148 episodes, so at least 130 of those times People had to eat something that made them throw up. So I saw multiple people. There's six contestants. I saw so many people gag. And I had to be interviewing them, like, while they were gagging. Sometimes while they were throwing up in a dumpster, I'd be talking to them.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was such a big deal, that show.

[Tom Segura]

That was so ridiculous.

[Jamie]

That.

[Bert Kreischer]

Such a big deal. Big deal.

[Tom Segura]

You know, I took that show because I thought it was gonna be canceled. I thought, like, I'm gonna get some jokes out of this. They're gonna sick dogs on people.

[Bert Kreischer]

But you underestimated our deep desire for schadenfreude. Like, watching other people be scared and humiliated. The Coliseum, basically.

[Tom Segura]

Well, it was also. I underestimated the entertainment value of the competition. Cause it was competition. That was.

[Bert Kreischer]

The.

[Tom Segura]

The grossness was great. It, you know, was definitely fun to watch. Watch and. But there was also, like, real, like, significant competition. Yeah, there were some great moments. This is one moment with this mother and her. Her daughter beat this father and his son. And the father and son were. They were just. The dad was like a dick. Like, yeah, this is how you get ahead in this world. You'd be a dick. And they were talking crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's it.

[Tom Segura]

And then the kid fumbled and things up. And the dad. Things up. And the whole crew was crying. Everybody was so happy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I'm fascinated.

[Tom Segura]

I cried.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm fascinated.

[Tom Segura]

I would cry if I start talking about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just sent Andrew Schulz a clip that I'll cry if I talk about because he was posting something about, like, a daughter asking his. Her. A gymnast, who. The daughter was getting attached. Didn't. Wouldn't let her go to the routine. So she did it with her daughter. And there's this. There's this video of this girl. I think it's in Brazil. She's doing a cooking competition. And, you know, those, like, you know, timed cooking competitions, and she can't open a jar, and her dad is in the audience, and she runs and gives it to her dad, and her dad just opens it, and it's like. Gives me goosebumps every time. But dad's man. But that. That shit just kills me. That. Oh, God, this kills me.

[Tom Segura]

This is. Oh, she runs.

[Bert Kreischer]

She can't get it open.

[Tom Segura]

Why do they make jars so fucking hard to open, by the way? If your hands.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's her dad. Look at her dad. Oh, God. Oh, God.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, no. So this is costing all this time. And he's freaking out. Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, God. Oh, God.

[Tom Segura]

That's cool. That you can do that though.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Cuz it's ridiculous that you can't like opening a jar.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, you got to hit it on the side of a. Oh, you'll break it. Yeah. Or like if you just clank it on something. But it's like I think think he posted something about, you know when like runners don't finish the race and the dad comes out and like helps him cross the finish line or something. Oh gosh, I love like that so much. But I can't remember where we were on this. Now I'm just going to sob.

[Tom Segura]

Competition. Fear factor. Disgusting. Yeah, it turned out to be fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what it is. I think I'm fascinated by and I'm like a football dork. I know you're not like the biggest football fan even though you can go to some games.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I like it. Now I get it. I watched the Texas A&M versus the UT game.

[Bert Kreischer]

Holy shit.

[Tom Segura]

Incredible.

[Bert Kreischer]

Incredible. And I think that what you're going for is it's almost like this gambling addiction in a way because it's like even when your team loses, you're all losing together and it's, you know, you get to feel like you're a part of something. There's so much like, you know, reptilian sort of hardwiring at play. But for me it's like about these goosebumps moments that you can't have every game that would take the value out of them. Like this past season, when have you been. I don't know if you're a football guy, Jamie, but Philip Rivers coming back to the Colts and him coming out of retirement. Two major players came out of retirement this year that were like coaching. They were done coaching their kids Little League in high school. Philip Rivers was just coaching, you know what, 45, 44, 45 years old.

[Jamie]

It's a fun caveat with that too. But tell me, he's got so much many kids.

[Bert Kreischer]

10, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Jamie]

He was about to hit retirement his five years. You have to wait to go to the hall of Fame. But now he just like re upped his NFL like health insurance. So that gets coverage for. I mean he's rich as he doesn't really need it, but just a little caveat of like he gets coverage for life.

[Tom Segura]

Here's what I realized and I realized this at the UT game. When you're a fan of football, you get big moments. Many times if you're a fan of a fight, you get the fight and then one guy wins and one guy gets horribly destroyed sometimes like, sometimes your guy gets flatlined, and you're watching your guy laid out with his toes curled, his legs stiff, his arms up in the air. He's completely unconscious. And the other guy's on the cage like this, and then the medical people are taking care of your guy, and you're like, oh, fuck.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's the worst when you see, like, families and children see their dad get knocked out.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no.

[Tom Segura]

So hard. No, that's so hard. When you see wives crying and then the camera turns to them, you see them, they're like, oh, no. It's just. Football's a different thing. You know, when someone throws the ball and then the person catches and goes across the line and you see a hundred thousand.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

That's it. That's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's it. And so much is the type of fan base, you know, but like.

[Tom Segura]

But the people in the audience feel better.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

It's like they are. They're celebrating in a different way. Because when a fighter wins, it's an individual, but when a team wins, it's your team.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right. That's right.

[Tom Segura]

It's different.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you can make the argument on some level that, you know, you know, not you're a part of it, but, like, the energy you bring. Like, when I went to the Rams game, I'm like, an Eagles fan and Rams game, all green, all Eagles fans coming for away games. Like, you know, it's. Imagine being like, the Eagles and looking out at, like, all green in another, you know, city. Also, is it Matt Prady, I think is his last name, is a kicker for. Was it the Bills? Both of the kickers got injured and, like, they didn't have a kicker. And they're like, imagine getting the call. You're coaching, like, your middle, middle school sons, whatever, Little League football, and you get the call, like, we need you. You know, really? It's like, yeah, he goes in and he kicks like the winning field goal. This was in September. I want to say, I love, like that so much.

[Tom Segura]

That's awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, when you also just moments like what Saquon Barkley did last year of like, jumping backwards over. Like, there's a video of his teammates watching him do it, going like. It's just. I love watching the interplay between the team members, too. It's like comics. It's like, you know, get it.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't like it before, but I get it way more now. I get it way more. Because for me, it's like a Watered down version of fighting. I'm like, why don't they just fight? But now I get it. It's not that you're the. As an audience member, it's better because you're like a part of the game. Like we are scoring. It's really. It's a stupid thing to say we. You never say we won that fight.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right. That's right. Also. But I think the we of it also happens to, you know, the reason I think as live performers, when you see a team like the Eagles do so, so well and then this last time they played the Rams just fall apart, you're like, what? Just per what we were talking about with Fear Factor and what you're capable of when you're on tv, when you've been insulted, when your ego's been. When you're in front of your kid. I'm not gonna eat a live rat, but if my kid is watching and someone just insulted my kid, it's. I'm a different person. You know what I'm saying? I will fucking fuck this rat in the ass. You know, whatever I need to do or if money's involved. I'm obsessed with sort of like the, you know, the most dangerous team to me is always the one that hasn't won any games.

[Tom Segura]

That's. The most dangerous fighter is the one that needs money.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right. That's right. And I'm just fascinated. Didn't Floyd Mayweather used to practice by doing like live Facebook, Facebook lives with like girls around to try to.

[Tom Segura]

Did he really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Huh. I think we do like Facebook lives.

[Tom Segura]

Well, he definitely did that to show off too. He was so, so good. Yeah, he was so good. But he, he would do crazy things. Like they would have rounds that would go on for 10 minutes. He would, you know, he would have like, what would he call it? Like the Dog Pound. He like a name for it. We'd bring a bunch of guys in there and they would just box and they wouldn't have any rounds, they would just box. So, like, you know, it's sink or swim. You got no rounds. Yeah, you're just in there, but no one's going to tell you to stop.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wild.

[Tom Segura]

This is crazy. This is crazy. Crazy. But he also, he also was a master at boxing people and talking to them. So it was. I'm sorry about my voice, but it was a part of, like, the whole thing of it was that you were watching all this chaos and then you're dealing with the psychological aspect of each guy talking to each other.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's also like, that's it.

[Tom Segura]

The doghouse refers to his Jim's notoriously grueling sparring sessions, known for intense, no rules fighting until someone quits. Designed to push boxers to their absolute limits. I mean, it's not a mystery why he's one of the absolute greatest.

[Bert Kreischer]

Someone quits.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. By the way, this guy's had multiple hand surgeries, so he couldn't really even like blast on guys like he used to when he was younger. You know, when he was younger, they called him Pretty Boy Floyd. And so in the early days of his career, he was a knockout artist. He was fucking people, people up. But he doesn't have big hands. And so he was breaking his hands like multiple times. And so then he became Money Mayweather and just started boxing everybody's face off. And like, if you go back and watch some of his early knockouts also, he wasn't certainly facing the caliber of fighters he faced as a champion, but he's the best ever at not getting hit. That guy's been cracked maybe like three or four times in his entire professional career, which is wild.

[Bert Kreischer]

And is his ability to not get hit, is that from outworking everyone or something genetic? Is there some.

[Tom Segura]

It's a whole bunch of things that came together. So one of them, his dad. Jesus Christ. His dad was Floyd Mayweather Senior. Okay. His dad fought Sugar Ray Leonard and gave him a hell of a. A fight. His uncle was Roger Mayweather. Roger Mayweather, multiple time world champion, the Black Mamba. So he grew up in a gym with Jeff Mayweather. And these guys were all killers and they were boxing scientists, they knew everything about boxing. It's a famous quote that people always use, Roger Mayweather. See if you could find it where he's like, most people don't know about boxing. And everybody who knows anything about boxing. And by the way, I'm not a boxing expert. I'm like a fan compared to the regular person. I know more than most people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, Rhonda, he's a fan.

[Tom Segura]

Most people don't know shit about boxing. But see if he get him say it because it's just, it's the way he says it. Don't know shit about boxing. And it's 100% accurate. It's 100% accurate.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is boxing like, you're not to like compliment, like what we do in any. This might sound insulting to athletes, but like, is it similar in a way to comedy and that there's certain things like you can't really teach, like you have to find your thing.

[Tom Segura]

Well, there's certainly, like, genetic advantages that are huge. They're almost insurmountable. There's some people that have, like, speed. Like Roy Jones Jr. Was the best example of that. He had speed that was otherworldly. Like no one had seen anything like that before. And he had a style that no one else had. Roy Jones. So the most important punch in boxing, if you ask any boxing trainer, they'll say the jab. The jab is what establishes distance. The jab is what you could score with the right hands, try to knock him out. Left folks try to knock him out. Uppercut. But the jab is the most important punch in boxing. Roy Jones rarely threw jabs. He would throw left hooks. His left hook was so fast. Fast that he would throw a leaping left hook and it would hit you as fast or faster than another person's jab. And you had to calibrate for that. When you're fighting him, like, all of a sudden there's a guy who can do things that are literally superhuman. Like, no one can move like him. He has a left bicep that's like twice the size of his right bicep from throwing left hooks.

[Bert Kreischer]

And is this like, like how Michael Phelps has abnormally long arms or something? Right.

[Tom Segura]

No, he developed that left bicep. That's why his right biceps are the same small. His right bicep is normal sized. His left bicep is huge. So look at the photo. Whoa, whoa, whoa, bro, Let me tell you something. Roy Jones in his prime was a freak of nature.

[Bert Kreischer]

And do you try to go like, okay, you know, I'm just going to.

[Tom Segura]

Look at his build. Look at that left hook.

[Bert Kreischer]

Insane, dude.

[Tom Segura]

No, he was a freak. And also extremely intelligent, crafty, set you off up, knew what to do to get you to move this way, then you're moving that way. And then he's doing things you can't do. So you don't anticipate that someone's going to be able to leap in from there and catch you with an uppercut. You're like, you don't even understand how it happened. He's the only guy in the history of, I believe, Compubox, it might still be the case. And it was in this fight, the. The Vinnie Pazienza fight, where, look at that. Put his hands behind his back and knock the guy out. One of the only fights in the history of the sport where the opponent landed zero punches. That's the. The stoppage of Vinnie Pazienza. He was a freak.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, how did. How did that even happen?

[Tom Segura]

He hit him with the left hook to the body. He was so fast. He would hit. Yeah, he was so good. All of his fights were essentially executions. He went from 168. He won the world title at 168, went up to light heavyweight, won the world title, light heavyweight, went up to heavy weight, won the world title at heavyweight weight. He was a fucking middleweight in the Olympics.

[Bert Kreischer]

That looks like. Remember the video of Putin doing, like, kung fu or taekwondo and they're pretending to fall? That's what this looks like.

[Tom Segura]

No, Roy was so.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is nuts.

[Tom Segura]

He was so fast, and he was so hard to hit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, Exactly.

[Tom Segura]

There's a 1, 2. He hits this guy with that. I sent a friend of mine who's a boxing fan the other day. I'm like, look at the speed of this 1, 2.

[Jamie]

He.

[Tom Segura]

He hit this guy with a counter right hand. Hand. Like a counter one, two, right hand. It was. It was freakish. Like, it didn't even make sense. There's the left hook, that left foot. Look at that. That left hook. That left hook's crazy. Look at him. Like, what the.

[Bert Kreischer]

He just went down.

[Tom Segura]

Watch that left hook again. He's trying to get up, and he's face planting. And that's Monte Griffin, who was a world champion. Look at that left hook. Good Lord.

[Bert Kreischer]

He even was like, good Lord, Lort.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, there was. You know, there's guys that are amazing, and then there's Roy Jones. Jones. Roy Jones was. He was a freak. I mean, it was like nothing.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was unbelievable. Oh, my gosh.

[Tom Segura]

It was all his fights. Look at that right hand of the body. Virgil Hill drop. He knocked him out with a right hand to the. By the way, to the left side of his body. That's not even where your liver is. Your liver's over here. Guys get dropped all the time with a left hook to the body. He hit him with a right hook to the body and stopped him.

[Bert Kreischer]

I always get obsessed with, like, as. Like, as comedians. The more comedy there is and has been, the more original we have to be. You know, I'm always fascinated by, like, you know, you know, fighting or sports. Like, you know, football, for example. Like, you know, Go Birds, the Eagles doing the tush push. It's like everyone had to start studying that. And this thing that worked, now everyone knows you do it. So, you know, it's fascinating to me when a fighter's so good at one thing, everyone starts learning to defend that. And then, you know, because it used to Be like, you could just fight. And people saw the fight once and that was it.

[Tom Segura]

But, like, that's where Roy had the advantage over everyone else. Well, wasn't. There was no Internet back when Roy was on top. So the thing about the Internet now is any kid with, you know, limited resources can study all the greatest boxers of all time. So Mike Tyson, when he was young, one of the great advantages that he had was Jim Jacobs was his manager. And Jim Jacobs was a legitimate boxing historian who care. He carried these tapes and old films of everyone. Jack Johnson, Harry Greb, he was watching Sandy Sadler, all these Willie Pep, all these, like, Rocky Marciano, Jack Johnson, all the great champions of history on film. So he'd study film footage all day. He would put these 32 millimeter or whatever it was, a 32 millimeter. 16. What are those things back then? 16. So the reel to reel, so you'd have to feed the tape into the thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right, right, right.

[Tom Segura]

And he would sit there and watch everybody fight. So he had this massive advantage of seeing all these incredible fighters. Like, he, he. He mirrored his style a lot around a bunch of different ones. But one of them in particular was Jack Dempsey, who was like, one of the most. I mean, I think Dempsey was the champion. And I want to. I'm trying to figure out what year this was where Jack Dempsey was the heavyweight champion. He was like, it was a savage time. I think he was a hobo at one time in his life. Like, it's a savage time. And he was a savage man. And he was annihilating people. And he wasn't very big either. From 1919 to 1926.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa.

[Tom Segura]

What did he wear, weigh? What did Jack Dempsey weigh when he was fighting? Okay, I'm gonna guess 180 pounds. 187. 187. He was the heavyweight champion of the world. He weighed 187 pounds. That's nuts. That's 13 pounds less than me. He was the heavyweight champion of the world.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is.

[Tom Segura]

That is. That's bananas. And another one that's even crazier is Rocky Marciano. Rocky Marciano, who was the heavyweight champion in the 50s, I believe, when one of the only heavyweight champions to ever retire undefeated. He was 5, 10, and he weighed, I think, 185 pounds. And he killed everybody. He killed people. He hit them so hard that they would just. Just go dead. He would just shut them off and they would, like, collapse. He was a murderous puncher. And he was a small guy, £184 when he won the title from Jersey Joe Walcott. Now, why Google or look up that fight.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was shorter and had shorter.

[Tom Segura]

Look up that fight where the KO of Jersey Joe walk. You just have to see the punch he hits him with.

[Bert Kreischer]

And this is before Peptides and.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, this is just. He was eating spaghetti. Spaghetti.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is.

[Tom Segura]

This is like a crazy Italian from Brockton, Massachusetts. But just see if you could find the ko, because the KO is. Is not. By the way, Jersey Joe Walcott is one of the all time greats. I mean, he was a phenomenal boxer. This is a little later in his time, you know, but he had had a long career. So he knocks him down with that right hand. But watch the KO though, after this.

[Jamie]

This is a second fight.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they must have fought twice. So find the second. The other one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa.

[Tom Segura]

Well, this is. Yeah, this is the one. Okay, watch. Watch how he KOs him. He hits him with that right. He. He had the craziest work ethic of maybe any heavyweight of all time. He would work out. He would run 10 miles in the morning. He would work out all day long. Sometimes he was spar 100 rounds for a fight each week. He was sparring constantly. And then he would swim after training five miles in a lake. His cardio was just off the charts. And it was because he got tired once in a fight.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

When he was an amateur. And he said, I'll never get tired again. And so he just decided to outwork everybody. But you got to see the ko. See if you can zoom in. I mean, it was a brutal fight. I mean, Jersey Joe Walcott give as much as he could got. But here it is right there. Watch that again. Back that up again. Watch this right hand mic drop. Boom.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mic drop.

[Tom Segura]

The power in that. It's his every ounce of his body. Watch how in slow motion, he creeps in. Look at the explosion. The extension of his back leg. See that? The extension of the back leg. The turn of the shoulder. The back gets into it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at his back. Oh, holy.

[Tom Segura]

Just boom.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's over.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, and he's done. And again, Jersey Joe Walkout was a legend. And then he hits him with the left hook on the way down.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was totally down.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, he's dead.

[Bert Kreischer]

Gone.

[Tom Segura]

It's crazy how powerful that guy was.

[Bert Kreischer]

Before all the things. Cold plunge, all of it.

[Tom Segura]

No steroids, no anger.

[Bert Kreischer]

And having been molested.

[Tom Segura]

And eggs and an immigrant from Italy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was thinking about this the other day because I was in England, my brother lives there. And I was like, I believe his.

[Tom Segura]

Family was from Italy. I think he was a child of immigrants.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm obsessed with Italian immigrants because, like, you go to Italy all the time. You're. Imagine, like, the people that were like, nah, like the. How beautiful it. Like, we pay to go. We pay to go to Italy to see that view for three days. And they're like, ah, no, thanks. I'd rather maybe get leprosy on a boat in the. For 10 weeks. Well, I don't know what my life.

[Tom Segura]

Was like in the 1920s when my grandparents came over here, but it wasn't good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, nobody.

[Tom Segura]

It was. A lot of them came over from our Ireland, from Italy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Bad news.

[Tom Segura]

And they came over before YouTube. They just. Someone drew them a picture. This is what it's like over there. You're gonna get a job.

[Bert Kreischer]

Imagine, like, when I look at what goes on the comments section in America, so torn apart, I'm like, this wasn't ever going to go any other way. Like, imagine I'm obsessed with just the ocean. Like, just imagine looking at the ocean in a boat and being like, all right, I'll get on that.

[Tom Segura]

Right. With your kid.

[Bert Kreischer]

Only the craziest place. Like, people, right?

[Tom Segura]

That's why everyone in the east coast is so fucking insane. I always say that. I always say the most violent, crazy people are on the East Coast. Why? Because they. All their grandparents came over on a boat.

[Bert Kreischer]

All their ancestors had toxoplasmosis or whatever it was. And we're just like, I'd rather that. Yeah, I'd rather die and have frostbite and warm my frostbitten fingers in my wife's carcass, leprosy carcass, than not be. Be able to worship who I want or say what I want.

[Tom Segura]

There's a lot of that, too. I mean, that's what brought people over here initially. A lot of people came over for religious freedom, which is a crazy thought. But, like, the Quakers, like, what were those people all about? Wasn't that a big part of why they came over here? Like, they were being persecuted in England.

[Bert Kreischer]

Which is so weird because we go to England and pay to go in the churches now. We're like, I was, like, waiting in line to go in an English church.

[Tom Segura]

I'm like, what was the deal with the Quakers? Are they like a cult? Like, are they around anymore? Are there any Quakers?

[Bert Kreischer]

Uncle Ben?

[Tom Segura]

Jamie says yes. Yeah, Uncle Ben, isn't he. I think so.

[Bert Kreischer]

They make good writers.

[Tom Segura]

I think so.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. I don't know. I've been really into Amish Though there's. I'm in, like, Amish core algorithm where it's men, like, build barns in a day.

[Tom Segura]

Sexy, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, it's so hot. My porn is just. Watching men be useful and they'll just build a barn and just like the Amish life. I feel like we're all kind of trying to go, like, how do I get chickens? How do I self sustain? How do I. Like.

[Tom Segura]

Some guys think it's hot when women cook. Same reason, same thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like, sexy because they're going to eat soon. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, well, no, because a woman can cook.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

A woman that's like, like, really into feeding you. Yeah, That's a good woman. Like a woman who wants to cook for you. She wants to cook for you for a guy that's hot.

[Bert Kreischer]

This whole thing of, like, I'm not going to cook for my man. It's like, you get to eat, too. I mean, like, what are we going to eat?

[Tom Segura]

Well, you don't have to cook for your man. Like, I wouldn't expect anyone to cook for me. I think that's crazy. I know how to cook, but there's something about somebody wanting to cook. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's wanting to do it. It's not doing it because it's a chore that you're making them do. Yeah. It's like, if somebody does something nice for you because they want to, it's so much better than if you have to ask them and they don't want to do it, but they concede to doing it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You know?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I love that. Also, I want to know what's going in your body.

[Tom Segura]

Well, it used to be a valuable TR trait for someone to be building something. Like a guy who could go out there and do something with his hands. Oh, that is a man that can provide a shelter. And if the roof breaks, he can fix it. Like, this is a good. Also, he can do hard shit. He's a guy who's got endurance. He's durable. He's not gonna fall apart. Like, this job is too hard.

[Bert Kreischer]

There was a list of jobs that were more likely to be replaced by AI and less likely. And for some reason, less likely was ruined roofers, which I thought was interesting.

[Tom Segura]

I don't think they're right. They're gonna have robots that can do a lot. Yeah, for sure. They'll have a roofing robot. That's not that difficult.

[Bert Kreischer]

A roofy robot. Cosby will just start using a roofy robot.

[Tom Segura]

You're gonna miss the value of a really hard job. Because there's a value in a really hard job. And I know a lot of kids avoid hard jobs and you shouldn't do a hard job for your whole life, but there's a real value in a hard job job. And that I, I had a job. Well, I've had a bunch of construction jobs when I was a kid because my stepdad's an architect. So I worked on a lot of construction sites. But I also had a very good friend, Jimmy Lawless. Shout out to Jimmy. And when I was a kid I worked with him. He was a year older than me and he'd already graduated. He was a carpenter's apprentice at the time. I believe he might have actually been a carpenter. And I just needed a job. And I think I was probably 18 or 19 and I got a job working on this construction site. We were building a wheelchair ramp for a nights of Columbus hall. And I had to carry cement and pressure treated lumber all day. That was the job. I had terrible nutrition. I would like eat sub sandwiches and drink a Coca Cola and you're out there in the sun all day long. You're not hydrated. I was always dehydrated and I was carrying cement and pressure treated lumber all day which is a gross lumber that they have to soak in horrible chemicals. Chemicals. Yeah, Pressure treated lumber. Like you would get these splinters and they would get infected. It was nasty. Like you're, you're dealing with whatever the chemical that they treat that thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're the radioactive shiny.

[Tom Segura]

It's on your skin.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And it's August. So you're sweating. So you're sweating like crazy. This is getting in your pores. You're carrying bags of cement. You're breathing cement dust all day long. And by two weeks I quit. And when I did quit, I was, I was, it was, was. I was like, okay, now I know that if I don't get my together and figure something out in life that that could be the best paying job that I can get.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yep.

[Tom Segura]

That whatever I got that. I mean it probably wasn't even 20 bucks an hour. I don't remember what you got paid.

[Bert Kreischer]

And if I get injured, I don't have health insurance. And that's just my body now. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I was clearly handling something that was toxic.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

All day long. Like what is in pressure treated lumber? What do they use?

[Jamie]

It's supposed to be left outside to stop like insects and.

[Tom Segura]

Right. That's what it does. Like termites can't eat it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have a weird question.

[Tom Segura]

Though it's fucking poison.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is today's version of a poisonous, dangerous job like that, sitting at a desk, looking at a computer all day?

[Tom Segura]

Ooh, well, it very well could be right. And don't they say that, like, LED lights are actually not good for you now?

[Bert Kreischer]

But just like, sitting at a desk that is, you know, you don't have a standing desk. You don't have one of these whatever Sibians or whatever I'm sitting on. And you're like. I mean, people just sending emails all day, like, is that definitely bad for your back?

[Tom Segura]

It's tightened my lower back considerably. I think a big part of it is sitting like this all the time. So I'm super conscious about it now, where I do a lot more lower back exercises than I ever used to do before.

[Bert Kreischer]

But you. I got that machine you told me to get where you lift your back.

[Tom Segura]

Reverse hyper.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. Louis Simmons, who was a legend in powerlifting, he invented that because he crushed his discs. And they told him that he had to get his discs fused. And he said, well, if I crushed them, can I separate them? And they're like, no, it can't be done. He's like, I'll figure it out. So he made a machine, and you climb on this machine, and he realized that in the descending, you're actually decompressing your back.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And in the ascending, you're strengthening all the muscles around your back. It's a genius piece of equipment. He was one of the rare people that I traveled to do a podcast podcast with.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, cool. Yeah, I got. That's, like the main machine I kind of, like, have.

[Tom Segura]

But the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's also got a belt squat that he gave us before he passed. And that. That machine's awesome, too. You put a belt around your waist, and then the cable goes down in between your legs, and you're standing on a platform, and there's a stack of weights behind you. So instead of doing squats, which are one of the best exercises of all time. But the problem with squats is, is if you're squatting heavy, you've got all that weight on your back.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

It's all your. If you got, like, 400 pounds, you're squatting. If you're a beast and you're. You've got £400 trying to crush all your discs, and the only thing that's keeping that from happening is your strength, all your core muscles and your spine muscles, but you're compressing everything with that weight with a belt. You're not. So belt is on your hips and all the weight is down there. There it is. So that's me using it at his. At his place. And then he. He gave us one.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a sit down squat machine. No, these ones. No, I do that.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, not at all. No, that's a leg press. That's. That's a very good machine.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what I do. I just don't want to. My knees are.

[Tom Segura]

The problem with that is. You ever see what happens when people lock their legs out and it bends backwards? Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you mean?

[Tom Segura]

Don't Jamie back or Jamie pull back. Pull that up.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm calling it.

[Tom Segura]

People need to know. You need to know that this can happen. Because I saw it happen to a lady once in one of these videos that looked like she never worked.

[Bert Kreischer]

I saw the one with the guy sphincter came out and I don't.

[Tom Segura]

Oh. Without us getting in.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was in.

[Jamie]

Getting ready to see what I'm gonna find.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was in the sphincter algorithm. I don't want to get in the knee snap algorithm.

[Tom Segura]

Well, as a person who's had three.

[Bert Kreischer]

Knee surgeries, I have all good slaughters in my left knee, so I just have to like. And when you squat, are. Are your knees supposed to go over your toes or not?

[Tom Segura]

I do you 100%.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

You 100% can especially. You could build up to it. I do knees over toe stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I had that guy, knees over toes guy on the podcast. He's amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

I follow him.

[Tom Segura]

You should. Everybody should follow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's 100% right. He's one. I mean, I will tell you 100%. There's no room for error. That guy's right. He has an amazing protocol for strengthening all the muscles around your knees.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I followed it is radically changed the progression of the injury and made my leg stronger than it was before the injury.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I also do weighted vests kind of all day. It's only like £30 what I do.

[Tom Segura]

Because that's the Gary Brecker move.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, is it?

[Tom Segura]

30 pounds is a lot. You're carrying a 30 pound weight vest.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have a third. I have a 30, and I have a 15. So I realized that with my kid, I'm bending over so much and picking him up so much. I was like, I could probably, like, kind of work out all day if I really just like, wear weighted vests.

[Tom Segura]

So that's a lot of weight to wear.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's gotten taken from me at TSA a couple times. But I'll just get it.

[Tom Segura]

That's hilarious. They take it if it's the place. Like jihad. Just kidding. Just kidding.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm like, you think that's the worst thing in my bag. Three off from the gun I have in my purse.

[Tom Segura]

Just have, like, a digital recorder in your pocket. It looks like you're ready to press a button. Put the vest back in the suitcase, ma'. Am.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's just like, anthrax, chill. But, yeah, they take it every now and then, but I kind of have just try to wear it, like, kind of all the time. And then I'll do. Whenever I'm writing, like, if I am sitting down, I'm going, like, I have to make sure that this sitting down, which is so bad for me. There's something else happening. So Huberman gave me the. It's called. It's a red light, but it's like sauna space or. It's just a bulb. One big red light bulb. Is that. That's the same as the. Like the Joovv or something? That's like a bunch of little red lights.

[Tom Segura]

Was. If. Is it working for you? It must be. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I think so.

[Tom Segura]

I don't. I'm not a red light expert, but I bought Gary Brecker's machine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, the full body guy.

[Tom Segura]

Big giant, crazy body machine. It's the shit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can you go in there and just, like, fall asleep or something?

[Tom Segura]

I do fall asleep, but I'm always tired, so I'm always doing too much. But when I get in there, it's 20 minutes. I just lay there for 20 minutes. And. And 100%. It's helping with my eyesight.

[Bert Kreischer]

But you keep your eyes open. You don't put the glass. Sometimes they give you, like, glasses.

[Tom Segura]

I'm like. Your glasses? Yeah, your glasses. I'm. I'm here to tell you I'm living proof. Unless somehow or another my eyes are getting damaged and I don't realize it. How are they getting better then?

[Bert Kreischer]

Why.

[Tom Segura]

Why is my vision better?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, that's the other thing with.

[Tom Segura]

Why does it not bother me at all? It doesn't seem that strong when it's in my eyes. It's not like I'm like, oh, my God, I can't look at it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

If it was that bad to look at, wouldn't it be hard to look at? Like, the sun is hard to look at because it's bad to look at.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

You know, bright lights were like, Jesus. Yeah, it's hard to look at. This is not hard to look at at all.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it's also like, what, the law?

[Tom Segura]

That's my meathead logic. It don't hurt, don't worry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Meathead logic is like, it's. We, we're so suspicious of like simplicity, which, like. Does it work for you? Yes. Then it works. You know what I mean?

[Tom Segura]

If it works, it works. That shit works.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because we're all like, there's a ton.

[Tom Segura]

Of science behind red light therapy, right? Including like what frequency it's at. Because this one that he had has, it's attached to an app and you go through the app and you could change it for different effects. Oh, I don't know how much of that's real.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what I'm saying. It's like, dude, here's the thing, here's the thing. I, as a, as an aspiring snake oil salesman, like, I, you know, I remember I was with a friend of mine who's a big like lawyer in la, and we're, we're kind of more friends that he worked with prior and he just got all these stories. Like he was there the day that Michael Jackson's hair caught on fire. Like he was at the commercial. Like, he's more like just my buddy. And you know, we were outside and there were like mosquitoes. And I had this like citronella candle, you know, and I was like, oh, let me light the candle so the mosquitoes. And he's like, those don't work. And I was like, it's citronella. Okay, I'm gonna light it so that we don't get mosquito bites and get bitten with whatever's in the fentanyl water of this state. And he's like, it doesn't work. And I was like, yes, it does. And he was like, no, it doesn't. I was like, how do you know? He's like, cause my dad invented it. It's fake.

[Tom Segura]

Oh my God, that's hilarious.

[Bert Kreischer]

But like, it also the flame. He was like, the flame does deter them a little bit, so it doesn't not work, but it's like that, you know, so I'm fascinated by those things. And also, I don't know if when you were broke you ever just did like weird ass shit. Like I used to do studies, like when I first moved to la.

[Tom Segura]

No, you were like a lab rat.

[Bert Kreischer]

So here's the thing about studies is like pretty much anyone can sign up and it's usually people that need 50 bucks, like now, right? So that's already a pretty biased sample of people. People that are like, for sure. Like in. Like in dts, basically. Like, shaking, needing drugs, like this minute, and you get $50 cash, and the more you talk and the more you complain, the more they'll ask you back. So I'm not going to say these big companies that I did stuff for, but, like, you know, everything from food to skin care to. I mean, I did a lot of pharmaceutical trials at colleges that, like, the pill never came out. Like, the FDA never approved it. Like, there's things where I'm like, wait, did that ever get passed? Or. I just took that for a month for. What was the.

[Jamie]

You know.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know. But I also. I took Accutane. I took all kinds of stuff that's like, you know, bad news. But, you know, so look, in studies, like, it's. It's kind of the same group of people. Like, where I was, it was like, there were a lot of. By Pink Dot is where I used to live. And there were all these, like, office buildings. You would go in. It was usually like 20 people. And most of them just want to get the fuck out of there. I would be like, so, yeah, no, I used to.

[Tom Segura]

Did you see some of the same people over and over again?

[Bert Kreischer]

There was like seven or eight people. We would all go to every study and we'd all get called back. Okay. And you get to know them outside of the study. And then now when I, like, look at, like, side effects of a pill and it's like, drowsiness. I'm like, that's Jocelyn, dude. That's her. She's always drowsy, though. She's drowsy even when she's not in the study. Like, we hung out. But, like, these are people that always would, like, like, headaches. Like, he always has a headache, dude. I saw him before he took that pill. Like, he's always complaining about headaches. Like, these are human beings that just say what they have to say to try to get into more studies. I'm not saying this isn't all true.

[Tom Segura]

Like, that's hilarious.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm just fascinating because as someone who is a flawed, desperate person who needed $50, I was very much like, well, what about this? Yeah. And by the time they ask you if you have it, you probably do. They're like, did this cause anxiety? I'm like, well, I'm in a study for money, so, yeah, I have anxiety. Now that I think about it, if I wasn't anxious before, you just made me realize how much my life sucks. Like. Like, it was like, UCLA would be like depression if you have depression. Come do this study. It's like, even if I don't have it now, by the time I get to the study, I'll be depressed that this is my life. So, sure, you know, so studies. I'm always a little bit like, and who. What person? Like, the thing that gets thrown around a lot. I had a boy, and people always want to throw around. Like, girls mature faster. It's like, it makes sense. But you're like, who put me in a cage with the guy that wanted to study? Study. Boys and girls maturing. What do you like? Like you were watching girls and boys mature. What do you.

[Tom Segura]

What is this? Human biology is fascinating. I don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Physical maturity, emotional.

[Tom Segura]

Leave out the poss. Well, both. Right. I think. But why wouldn't you want to study that? That's like, one of the weirdest things that happens to people is, you know, when a person is an adult, we have an example. Agreement at 18. You get it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. So what's happening?

[Bert Kreischer]

How do you define. Is it physical maturity?

[Tom Segura]

Is it. Well, girls are better in school. It seems like their minds develop faster. They believe their frontal lobe is fully formed quicker. With boys, I think it takes till they're 25 until your frontal lobe is fully formed. It's probably testosterone, which is like some. Probably some kind of mental poison. Which is probably why people associate testosterone with shitty behavior. Behavior. Right. Because there's probably part of it, at least, that's like a little bit toxic.

[Bert Kreischer]

They say boys should be moving when they're learning.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Well, they also need to blow it out. And a lot of boys don't. They don't blow it out. So if you're not playing football or wrestling or doing something that's really hard to do, you're at this weird stage of your life where you used to be a child, and then all of a sudden you start getting testosterone, and then you're looking in the mirror like, what the hell's happening to me? And you're a child. Right. So you're 13, 14 years old. Your body's developing. It's weird. Yeah, it's weird. And then you start getting aggressive. Well, kids are. A lot of boys are aggressive early on, but a different kind of aggressive. Yeah, like a violent, dangerous aggressive.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Kids get 15 and 16, and they start playing around with violence a lot more. And, you know, you have schoolyard fights that get pretty brutal. You know, things become different when boys become more dangerous.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that's a. Like a primordial instinct to, like, find the pecking order of the tribe kind of thing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The Lord of the Flies type thing. Or to. Do you think I want to go back to that in a second or. Don't have to.

[Tom Segura]

But I was just going to say this is why it's probably important because it's always associated with dumb people. And there's probably some accuracy to that because the. The people that I know that have been the most brilliant scientists, except for Huberman, there are a lot of them are very low testosterone man males.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Right. And they're males that became, like, very interested intellectual pursuits. And they're way better at it. Is it because they're better at it because they spend so much time doing it, or is it because of the testosterone? Is it because these higher testosterone men are distracted all the time? They're more angry and they're more horny and they're more reckless. They want to skydive and do crazy. Like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Is that. Is the. Is that what it is? Like, it might be. It might be a fact factor. If these guys did have low testosterone, they'd probably be interested in being stimulated in some other way. Or is it just that intelligent people recognize that these are stupid pursuits?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I'm not interested even if I have normal testosterone. Well, it's probably a combination of all those things, but it seems to be like, there's a lot you associate a scientist with, like a nerdy, weak guy. You associate a meathead as, you know, some jack guys being really stupid. Why? Because we pattern recognize. But is it because they're actually dumber, like, biologically? Or is it because they're dumber and they have more testosterone?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm also fascinated by the way we define intelligence and maturity. By the way, I heard this quote the other day, and I don't know who said it. It was in a. I don't know, but it was because we spent so much time trying to gain intelligence. I want to know everything I need to be so, you know, I want to learn. I want to learn. I want to, you know, and then I think there's a certain point, maybe it's because I've had a kid. I'm sort of more interested in, like, wisdom. Especially also when you've been around long enough and you've seen things you found to be true be completely debunked. Like, remember when we all thought soy milk was healthy? And now, like, half my guy friends have tits and my girlfriend's tits all got cut off. I'm like, everyone I know has cancer. And I'm like, we were just like deep throating soy milk. Like, I, you know, so how much.

[Tom Segura]

Glyphosates in that stuff?

[Bert Kreischer]

After you've been conned enough, you're sort of like, you know, I think very skeptical about accepting these, like, new truths. And look, we learned that the Native Americans and the Pilgrims had like a fun dinner. They, like, got along great. Like, that's what, like, did you have. I had a mural in my school of the Native Americans and the Pilgrims, like, having dinner, like, having a great time. Like, I feel like that's not how it went down, you know, so when enough things get sort of debunked. But this quote I loved, which is, intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad. And I like that.

[Tom Segura]

That's good.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's logical, you know, because, like, there's also.

[Tom Segura]

There's different kinds of intelligence.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And there's the intelligence to be able to push yourself physically. It's. You don't think of it intelligence because it's not like equations. It's not problem solving, but it is problem solving because it's problem solving emotions and anxiety and fear. Fear. And you're doing it with your willpower. That is, it's mental fortitude is. It's a part of intelligence. It's just on a recognized part of intelligence. For people that are absorbed with all the other pursuits. People that are really heavily absorbed with mathematics would never think that, like, endurance running is a mental pursuit, but it might be all mental.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, that's the other thing. When you say, like, athletes, meatheads, like, that's. I mean, football's all math. You know what I mean? It's like, I think we also just have this. We talk about stereotypes against women. We don't about talk. Talk a lot of stereotypes about men. Like, he's an athlete. He must be dumb. You know what I mean? Like, there's just these kind of, I think, sort of silly assumptions. Like, you know, I'm obsessed with commercials from the 90s where every man just, like, had down syndrome. Like, remembering, like every commercial, the women was like, I have to feed my husband. And he's just like, where's the front door? Like, it. Like in sitcoms, men are always portrayed as if they just like, have one chromosome, you know, And I'm sort of fascinated by that. But the definition. Yeah. What does intelligence mean? Does it mean memorizing a bunch of stuff from a book that, like, weren't our textbooks written by, like, Ghislaine Maxwell's dad or something. I'm dead serious.

[Tom Segura]

No, I think you might be right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I is that it's.

[Jamie]

Without going too far, he did do something about consolidating a bunch of medical journals. The textbook thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Maybe there was a history textbook that was like. And, you know, so memorizing a bunch of stuff that, like, may or may not be true. Like, that's not intelligence necessarily. Like, you could be falling for a con. I think intelligence is right.

[Tom Segura]

Like, we were talking about what Huberman said about medical journals, Right. You know, that he had talked to that professor and he said what percentage? The guy was like, at least 50. Yeah, 50%. And then who is wild?

[Bert Kreischer]

And who paid for the other ones?

[Tom Segura]

That's so wild. Yeah. The idea that we know everything is crazy. Here's another weird thing that you. You said something that football's all math. There was this really weird thing that I was reading about the invention of mathematics and they were talking about. One of the most. The biggest conundrums in the universe is that they invent this thing. Humans invent this thing to try to solve the universe, and they find out that the universe is encoded with it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is this like the turtle shell is the calendar? This really stressed me out.

[Tom Segura]

I did see that. I did see that, but I didn't. I didn't look into that at all. This was like, I wanted to bring it up on here, see if we could dive into what exactly this guy is saying. But essentially he's saying the universe is made out of the thing that we invented to measure it. That's how he described it to my monkey mind. Right? Like that math was something the human being, like calculus, like advanced physics, like these crazy equations.

[Bert Kreischer]

Call Eric Weinstein immediately call Terrence Howard.

[Tom Segura]

Someone call Eric Weinstein. And he would explain differential equations. I don't understand what that even means. I can say those words.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right, right, right, right.

[Tom Segura]

But we invented it. Humans invented that so that they could figure out how the universe is made. Like what. What. What. What is the structure of things, how to measure things. But the universe itself is encoded with this. It's like it is made out of. Of the thing that we invented to try to figure out what it is.

[Bert Kreischer]

My adjacent tangent while Jamie looks up whatever that is, because I can't really respond to it except with this sort of realization that all the movies that current tech entre, Benjamin Franklin's of our day, grew up on, science fiction movies, in many ways formed what they believe a future should look like. Like you had someone on the podcast, someone sent me this clip about how you said, like, how is AI going to kill us? And he goes, I can't tell you because I would never have thought of it. Like, I can't think of it how. Like, it wouldn't even occur to me to know what they would do.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it'll do some slick Roy Jones Jr. On you. That's what it's going to do. It's going to do the Roy Jones Jr. Of tech. And it's going to do it where in a way that we could have never possibly thought that it would control us in that manner and that it would just govern us and probably limit our breeding. And that would be a wrap.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like how tech bros, like grew up watching Weird Science. So by the time they go to start inventing stuff, you know, like how that influenced the way that they invent.

[Tom Segura]

Things, I think AI is probably going to tell us to either adapt or go away. It's going to give us those options because I think it's going to say, you can't keep doing the same thing over and over and over again and expect a different result. You're talking about war and stealing money and embezzlement and fraud and the amount of money that's in politics and Congress and the amount of politicians that lie. You've been doing it this way forever. Forever. If AI said, listen, you can't govern things anymore. You guys are super corrupt. Yeah, you're now going to change. You can't do any of the things you've been doing in terms of distribution of wealth, controlling of natural resources. But you dug a hole in the ground so you get the world's oil. Fuck you. Yeah, that's crazy. You don't own the oil because you own the ground. It's literally a part of the world.

[Bert Kreischer]

So we'll take all the oil, distribute it to everybody.

[Tom Segura]

If I was AI, that's what I.

[Bert Kreischer]

Would be saying to try to find some kind of.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not saying, I'm not saying oil to oil people. You don't own the oil.

[Bert Kreischer]

But then it kind of.

[Tom Segura]

I would think that.

[Bert Kreischer]

So you think I would have a concept of like fairness and would. Would go, everyone should have a certain amount of happiness. Or would I go, well, this is how things have always been. So.

[Tom Segura]

So like, it would recognize that human beings are so destructive and so often full of and manipulative and looking to just figure out a reason or a way that they can sneak something through or make something happen or overthrow a government. AI is going to go, you can't do it that way. Yeah, we're not going to give you that kind of power anymore because you guys are abusive every single time. You get a lot of power. But then it's going to be like, okay, what did the people do now? What if the people resort to violence? And then it's going to say like, look, you can't have any more fucking kids. You guys are making kids. They're not. You're going to either have to integrate with us or you're going to have to go away.

[Bert Kreischer]

So they're going to go, you have to fuck us. I guess you have to fuck us. Of course that's always where it ends. But because AI is is based on an amalgam of all of us by that very nature, wouldn't it mean that they would abuse their power once they get it? They're going to go, you abuse power. But because we do.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe. But why are we doing it? Like, are we doing it because of chimp instincts?

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

Like I'm reading this book, the Chimp Paradox, recommended by Ronnie o'. Sullivan. You're that book, the Chimp Paradox. That's what it's called, right. Make sure I get it right. But it's all about you have like a person in your head and a chimp in your head and you got to decide like when to listen to the chimp and when. Yeah, that's it. That's the book. Very good book on mental math management. And Ronnie o' Sullivan is like one of the greatest snooker players of all time, if not the greatest.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's what game?

[Tom Segura]

Snooker. They call it snooker snooker in England. It's a crazy cool game that's like a pool game, but it's a way bigger table. It's like a 12 foot table and there's different rules and I don't understand it totally. I don't know how the score goes. I don't, I don't, I've never played it. But this guy was just a wizard at it. But like most wizards, wizards, he's a crazy person.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

He had a hard time managing his mind, you know, he'd just go off the rails and think he was useless and think he could never win and you know, and just whatever mental demons you battle when you're truly brilliant at something. He recommended that book.

[Jamie]

I Doug, I could just get into some weird space about Pythagoras's stuff. Some guy wrote an article about the math thing. Yeah, that was kind of in the title.

[Bert Kreischer]

Humans, Internet, mathematics, that's what the world.

[Jamie]

Is Made of wrote about it.

[Tom Segura]

Revenge. Most people think mathematics is a human invention. To this way of thinking, mathematics is like a language. It may describe real things in the world, but it doesn't exist outside of the minds of the people who use it. But the Pythagorean school of thought in ancient Greece held a different view. Its proponents believed reality is fundamentally mathematical. More than 2,000 years later, philosophy, philosophers and physicists are trying to take this idea seriously. As I argue in a new paper, mathematics is an essential component of nature that gives structure to the physical world. Honeybees and hexagons. Bees live in hives. Produce hexagonal honeycomb. Why? According to the honeycomb conjecture in mathematics, hexagons are the most efficient shape for tilling the plane. If you want to fully cover a surface using tile aisles of a uniform shape and size while keeping the total length of the perimeter to a minimum, hexagons are a shape to use.

[Jamie]

Have you seen when someone test if honey's real or not and they put honey on a plate and it just starts forming a hexagon?

[Bert Kreischer]

Sick.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Jamie]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Is that real? That's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, bees are so metal, dude.

[Tom Segura]

They are so metal. You know, it was more metal. Tell me the wasps who behead the bees.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don't get me started on wasps. Wasps.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, dude, those wasps who come in and just wipe out an entire colony.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's a big ass wasp infestation I think coming next summer to California.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, wasps are scary, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

They don't. They aren't. They just like, they don't even have predators. Like they don't even serve any purpose except to just kick the out of you.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know what purpose they serve other than scare the out of me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Although bears eat the larvae.

[Tom Segura]

Oh really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, dude, I got stung by a wasp. You know, I. If you go underwater, they'll wait for. For you. They wait.

[Tom Segura]

They're like the Belgian Mal.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're just dicks. Like they're just. Instead of moving on, they wait. Whereas a boot but bee doesn't want to sting you if you get stung by a bee.

[Tom Segura]

Like, well, a hornet can sting you over and over again. A wasp can sting you over and over again. A bee can only sting you once and it's dead. It's only stinging you to get you the away.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, they don't want to sting you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they want you to get the away from the queen or get the away from the hive. They don't just want to sting you for no reason.

[Bert Kreischer]

You had the bee lady I think on here she DM me about something because I like. I'll like get bees out of my pool all the time when they're like drowning. Even though they do have the ability to make their wings go so fast that they can get out of the water when they go in circles. So sick. But I was like rescuing them from my pool and she was like, if a bee is out, that means they're a forager bee and they're gonna die in a couple days anyway.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, oh, so you're risking.

[Bert Kreischer]

Your life for like just for two minutes. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Try not to drown.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I'm just stopping.

[Jamie]

Dark Darwinism on a few videos. It could be apparently. But it does. It is weird. When you pour water into the honey, it starts forming a hexagon like a honeycomb.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Jamie]

And they're saying it's like a memory. Which everyone says that's.

[Tom Segura]

That's.

[Jamie]

But it's doing.

[Tom Segura]

How's that not just water bubbles mixed in with the honey.

[Jamie]

When people have done fake honey, it dilutes it in a different way. But someone. The top comment here said they did the exact same thing and it happened.

[Tom Segura]

That was one of the things that beekeeper lady was telling us is a lot of honey's. It's got corn syrup in it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh yeah. I mean as I have my two jars of honey in front of me. But I do try when I travel to eat local honey when I land.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. She said that's too. That thing about it like. Well, helping your immune system. But I don't know how you would know that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Placebo effect is an effect. So now what?

[Tom Segura]

It's. It's good for you though. Honey's good for you. There's some. Some good aspects to it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Manuka honey anything on that topically scam?

[Tom Segura]

She said they just had a good PR agent.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good for them.

[Tom Segura]

But there is psychedelic honey. Do you know about that? Yeah. This is wild because the way they have to collect it, it grows on cliff sides. So these guys, they have to repel and risk their life to get this honey that makes you trip balls because there's a special kind of flower, I guess, that has a psychedelic compound in it. And I don't know what the compound is. A guy brought it in. I tried it. It was interesting. He said, just take a half a spoonful. So I said, you. We're going in. I took the whole spoonful. I'm like, let's see. Let's see what's up. It's something.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's something There is there something about the sugar?

[Tom Segura]

The does what it looks like. But see if you can show them harvesting because when they harvest, this is how they do it. How crazy is that? So this guy's on this giant rope ladder and probably doesn't have any safety.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that a mushroom? Oh whoa.

[Tom Segura]

Those are all the hives. That's how they grow under cliffs.

[Bert Kreischer]

So sick. And what is it that if a bee stings you, does it help with inflammation? Like if you're sometimes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, sometimes it helps people with like arthritis and. Yeah, like bee stings. Like people have used them to alleviate certain forms of arthritis. Make sure that's true. That's true.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or the. Yeah. The pain is so severe that you.

[Tom Segura]

Just hear about the lady that fell out of a plane. I think she was skydiving. I think it was a skydiving exercise. And she landed on a. A fire ant colony and they kept her alive cuz they stung the out of her and her adrenaline literally kept her alive.

[Bert Kreischer]

And is that also what I remember? I had my ear.

[Tom Segura]

Look at that. Look at that little so sick. Honey sting therapy. How it works? Okay, how does it work? Click on it.

[Jamie]

This one says too risky for treating osteoarthritis. I think it's.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, don't be a. That's just cuz they can't patent bees.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean isn't that what acupuncture is like based on?

[Tom Segura]

I mean if they could. If they could patent bees then they would make you do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. Bill Gates is binal force you, you.

[Tom Segura]

You need to get vaccinated for arthritis. And it would be like arthritis is costing us so much. Arthritis is actually a disease. It's costing us so much money.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's it.

[Tom Segura]

And we've patented bees so we're going to. You got. You have to get stung by our bees.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. So funny. It's like it didn't nmn. Didn't they start taking that off the market so they, they could make it prescription now or something?

[Tom Segura]

Is that true? They're probably trying to do a lot of that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like they're trying to keep like certain peptides from becoming legal and stuff. Silly. It's silly. It's all good for people. I know you're not going to make money off of it. Doesn't mean it's not good for the overall human race.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You shouldn't be able to stop products that are super beneficial just because you can't profit off of them. That means you have a captive industry that's not good for Anybody. It's not good for you that you're allowed to do that. Shouldn't be allowed to do that. It's not good for anybody else. Peptides are really beneficial to people, and some of them are okay as long as they're making a ton of money. Money of them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Off them. Like these wegovy peptides.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You know, the ones that. Like GLP1 inhibitors. Those. You know, the numbers of people that are on those now, it's kooky. It's like more than 10 million in this country. How much. What's the number of people that are on GLP1s?

[Bert Kreischer]

And is that also called Ozempic? That's right.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Well, Govi.

[Bert Kreischer]

And there's another.

[Tom Segura]

There's a bunch of different names for them, but also, basically, It's a gift. GLP1, it's a peptide.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I mean, there's good press about it, there's bad press about it. It's like, you know, the person I saw this morning, like, she's like, I lost 60 pounds. Like, I was gonna. Like, it was. You know, she's like, even if there's side effects, like, I was gonna get diabetes, like, it was bad. You know, like, 100%. Obesity was our big problem.

[Tom Segura]

So, you know, it's like almost everything. There's, like, goods and bads and stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

I took Accutane when I was, I think, 14 or 15, and they're like, oh, well, side effect is you're suicidal. I'm like, when you're 15 and you have acne, you're suicidal. Like, I'll take whatever the side effects are.

[Tom Segura]

Yo, this is nuts. Okay, no full year total. Exact full year total, publicly available from major sources as data through September shows rapid growth, but lacks a December closeout. Truveta data reports 12,203,009 GLP1 prescription from January 2018 to September 2025.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

12 million prescriptions is a lot. But I gotta think that's way more today, because in 2018, you're not getting a lot of people. Like, I would like to see, like, a chart of when it kicks in. So it's 6.5% of all US prescriptions, up slightly from prior quarters.

[Bert Kreischer]

And when your insurance companies, they should theoretically support it and pay for it.

[Tom Segura]

Well, definitely, if you're morbidly obese, it'll prevent you from a lot of real problems of morbid obesity if you really get it together with this shit.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then when there's a bunch of negative stuff about it, I'm like, Did the lap band pay for this?

[Tom Segura]

Well, it's all. Look, you can definitely have side effects. Like, Brian Simpson took it and he had horrible side effects. He had to get off of it. But also, there's a lot of people that took it and they lost £100 and they're way healthier than they would be before. It's just like the way Brigham Bueller from Ways to well described. He said, like. Like, it has to be taken conjunction with other things that are. Keep your body from wasting away. And you should be doing strength. Like, Peter ATI has talked about this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

As well. You should be doing strength training while you're doing it. Like, because you will. You're going to lose weight because you're not. You're at a calorie deficit, so you're going to lose muscle, too, and you're going to lose bone density. So you got to mitigate that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So there's an idea that they would combine them with. I think they did something with peptides. So like an IGF one along with. With this. And the two of them together keep you from wasting away.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I was doing, like, that metformin for a minute, and I was like, yeah, you lose muscle mass, but you're like. But also the effect of sugar. Like, you know, so now I'll just take it every now and then when I eat, like, a lot of pasta or I want to have like a.

[Tom Segura]

You know, the metformin one's very polarizing. You know, a lot of people really believe in it. A lot of people think it's a crazy idea.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I'm like, I'm pretty steady. I do, like, the nmn nr, which is like, the true nigen stuff. I mean, Huberman as I'm just like, tell me what to do, nac. I'm like, I'm sauna. And then also, sometimes it's like, the absence of things. Sometimes, like, what are you doing? It's like, what are you not doing? Like, there's a point where you're just like, that person's an acquaintance, not a friend. Like, there's certain. Like, I feel like maybe it's when you become a mom, you have to also reassess, like, your emotional diet or your mental diet of, like, as well.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You know, you just have to do that as an adult anyway.

[Bert Kreischer]

True.

[Tom Segura]

Otherwise you're just gonna run into problems all the time that are totally avoidable.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they're not. These people just. They make the same mistakes over and over and over again.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

They drag you into their.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or you don't want to change. Like, you're in. Like, you're addicted to adrenaline. I'm obsessed with all the addictions that aren't, like, a substance, drugs, alcohol. It's like, oh, you're a gambling addict just with women or just with men. Or, like, you're an adrenaline, a drama addict. Like, I. I can't.

[Tom Segura]

It's like, do you. This is how I say it. Do you look forward to hanging out with that person? And if you don't, then it's a chore. Do. If you. Do you look forward to hanging out with someone, like, even if they're crazy? It's like, all right. It's okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, totally.

[Tom Segura]

It's okay. This is fun. It's. It's. It's all like, what are we all doing? We're all trying to get along together, you know, and if we're. If one of us is not trying to do that, one of us is out for self. And.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You know, there's certain people that are just. They just can't get their shit together.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And desperate people do desperate stuff. And I think that with what we do, like, you know, it's interesting because some friendships, you know, they'll just be like, oh, come on. The podcast. And it's like, we haven't hung out, though, either. Like, we don't text. Like.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Comics.

[Tom Segura]

I think it becomes transactional. It starts feeling weird.

[Bert Kreischer]

Such a big part of what you've done, like, for comedy is like, you know, that green room and having a space that's, like, not on camera. Like, comics, I think, started going so crazy during the pandemic, myself being one of them, because it's like all of our conversations were monetized for public consumption. We stopped just hanging out off camera.

[Tom Segura]

Right. And a lot of people were doing it remotely, so they were having podcasts remotely with their friends, and that was, like, their only human interaction.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

That's so bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nothing I did during the pandemic should have been filmed. But, like, you know, we also have to actively go out of our way to be off camera, too, guys, you know?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Well, communities, like, it's so important.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

The people that don't think it's important just don't have it.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

If you have it and you have a bunch of friends and you get to hang out and have fun together, it's like. Yeah, it's like a. Like, it's like stepping into a well of love. Like, that's it, oh, we're all here. What's up?

[Bert Kreischer]

And also just like, like, you know, I don't have to tell you, you know, those comics that you like, look up to so much, or they're legends, and then all of a sudden they just stop being funny. And you're like, how did this happen? You know, whether it's because they've, you know, incubated themselves against, you know, doing what normal people do on a daily basis and, you know, assistants, but they've surrounded themselves. They're not friends with comics. It's always that. It's like, how did that person. They're just not friends with comics. And they don't have someone humbling them constantly and pushing back and giving them shit. And.

[Tom Segura]

And all the motivations that got them to be funny when they were younger have been eliminated because almost all of it is try to get extra attention from girls or from your friends. You're trying to be funny. You have no motivation to be funny anymore because everybody loves you and you're rich.

[Bert Kreischer]

And being a comic is a lot I think of, like, having almost intentional contrarian Tourette's where you'll just say some shit that, like, mar. It's a crazy premise. Like, sometimes stand up is like saying something that isn't true and then proving it, you know, and to say some and have someone fight back with you. That's why I think comics. When people like, why do comics talk about woke culture so much? It's like, because we see disagreeing as an interesting conversation. You guys see it as fashion and.

[Tom Segura]

Like, also woke culture is trying to dictate what people can and can't say. And we can disagree. And you can't tell me what I can and can't say.

[Bert Kreischer]

My body, my choice. But not what your mouth does. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You can't just. And you can't start saying punch a Nazi. Like, settle down.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Figure out what a Nazi really is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What are you saying? That's what you're a Nazi. Because you, you know, you don't think biological males should be competing with women in sports. Because I've heard. Heard that thrown out that way. Well, that's crazy talk. You don't get to define things like that. That's what you're doing when you're fighting against woke culture. You're fighting against nonsense that can't stand up to facts. And the thing about things that stand up to facts is people usually don't defend them violently. They usually discuss them clearly, because it's obvious. This one, it's not backed up by facts.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So the opposition of it is like violent and angry. Like they want to stop debate, they want to stop conversation. Conversation. This is what the problem with woke culture is, what it is. It's just an ideology like any other one. It's got its own rules. And because it's not based on logic, it has to be very angry. It has to scare you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do people look at hippies like this? In the 70s, they wanted to do that.

[Tom Segura]

That's how the CIA tricked the. The, the hippies into doing all that Manson. That's what they were trying to do with the whole Charles Manson. Have you ever read that, Tom?

[Bert Kreischer]

The K. What's it called? Chaos. Yes, I have it. I've started it.

[Tom Segura]

Tom o' Neill's book. It's fucking incredible. Can't recommend it enough.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I need to read it.

[Tom Segura]

But it's all about them discrediting. So they were terrified of the love movement. They were terrified of all these people that were taking acid and going to Woodstock. And they were like, jesus Christ, we're. We're losing the cultural battle. And so they got together with Charles Manson and gave him a bunch of acid and taught him how to mine and people. And this guy went out and killed a bunch of people. And they blamed it on the hippies. They're like, oh my God, we got to make acid illegal. They made acid illegal like that year. And then the whole world went kooky. They shut down all the psychedelics. That was the sweeping Schedule 1 Act of 1970. When was the Manson murders? What year was the Manson murders?

[Bert Kreischer]

And while you're finding that I'm obsessed with CIA, the Philippines operation, the 50s, where they made it look like vampire fires suck the blood of a bunch of the rebels. Have you seen this?

[Tom Segura]

Really? I've heard about this before. I forgot about 69. So the Manson murders happened in 69. In 1970, acid, mushrooms, DMT, all that stuff becomes illegal. Schedule one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's crazy. They threw water on a movement of people abandoning this path that they see their family on, their mother and their father, and they're not happy. And these people are dying unhappy, and they're getting heart attacks and they're dropping dead at 60. And these kids are saying, I don't want that in my life. I want to follow the Grateful Dead.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I want to make art, I want to dance, I want to go to music festivals. I'll figure out how to live. And they were like, no way. We don't want war. Make love. Not War. What Americans in. In the street.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Saying love, not war. Never before. Not. 1947. Right. The end. Think about the end of World War II. You couldn't imagine Americans in the street. But in 1967, they're doing it. 1967. They don't want to go to Vietnam and they're saying no to war. And they're in the street and they're wearing flowers. They call them flower children.

[Bert Kreischer]

Crazy.

[Tom Segura]

So they had to turn them into monsters. And so they got Manson women, had.

[Bert Kreischer]

To wear bras again. Nightmare. All that stuff. Like I got in a wormhole on the CIA and Hendrix and. And Cobain. I'm like, I just can't. There's certain things I. I think they.

[Tom Segura]

Have their fingers and probably everything they can get their fingers in.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, all of it. And do they have to?

[Tom Segura]

I think they do.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, if they.

[Tom Segura]

Some ways. But the problem is they have power that they probably shouldn't have. And then there's always going to be some crazy guy who keeps pushing things. And next thing you know, you're selling coke in Nicaragua.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude. This guy. So there was some, like, myth in the Philippines about this, like, vampire that would kill whatever it was. And then they, in the middle of the night, take these rebels that they need to deal with and they drain them of their blood and put. Sorry, puncture. I'm just obsessed with the guy that had to do the puncture marks. Like, there's a guy who had to like, do the vampire marks. And so that everybody woke up and these rebels that they were following, they saw that they had been attacked by vampires and it.

[Tom Segura]

How did they keep. Killed them before they drained their blood? How many dudes did they whack, too? That's kind of crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's so wild.

[Tom Segura]

That's a great idea.

[Bert Kreischer]

So sick. That's what I'm saying.

[Tom Segura]

Imagine if you were a soldier and you thought you were really in a Blade movie. You thought this was real. I mean, if you're living in the Philippines and what. I mean, I don't know what their education was. Right. I imagine it's not the best y. If you're. You're fighting vampires, right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or you think vampires are. Yeah, but imagine being the guy who was like, that's not real. The Philippines guy, that's like, that's not real. And then I was like, oh, like, that's crazy. Yeah. Or the guy who's like, told ya.

[Tom Segura]

That's crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just the Kurt Metzger who's like, told ya.

[Tom Segura]

What year Was this?

[Bert Kreischer]

The 50s.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's the Ashwaga. Was it called? The Ashwaga was the name of the vampires they were scared of.

[Tom Segura]

People are so nuts. They really.

[Bert Kreischer]

But this is like when you read this stuff about the CIA and you're like, what are they doing now to make it look like a this and it's really that.

[Tom Segura]

So the CIA combat Cy War squad and the. So it says the Cy War squad set up an ambush along the trail used by the Hucks. When a Huck patrol came along the trail, the ambushers silently snatched the last man of the patrol. Their move unseen in the dark night, they punctured his neck with two holes, vampire fashion. Held the body up by its heels, drained it of blood, and then put the corpse back on the trail trail. When the Hucks returned looking for the missing man and found their bloodless comrade, every member of the patrol believed that the Aswang had got him and that one of them would be next if they remained on that hill. When daylight came, the whole Huck squadron moved out of the vicinity.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow, what a gangster CIA trained squad.

[Tom Segura]

How many times did they do it?

[Bert Kreischer]

So sick.

[Tom Segura]

So what's the number that they did it to? Apparently only use one once to dislodge a squadron. So it was only one time that they did one guy that was only one body. What a dope move.

[Bert Kreischer]

So sick. That's all you got to do to let the fear spread.

[Tom Segura]

I love that I would run off that mountain. I'm not convinced vampires aren't real. I'm not convinced.

[Bert Kreischer]

I see what I saw. I know what I saw. Even if it's an animal.

[Tom Segura]

I think mathematically they can't exist. I think someone has actually done the numbers on this that mathematically vampires can't exist. Wind up killing everyone. It would be nothing but.

[Bert Kreischer]

What are you talking about?

[Jamie]

Someone else researched it and said that they might not have even worked because they didn't have a vampire like lore in the region. They had something else where they said that they fed on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who's this hater? Dork.

[Tom Segura]

Fed on fetuses of pregnant woman. Yeah, but either way, it's a monster that drained the guy of its blood by biting him in the neck.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it's also like there's not vampires. Oh, there's just the American CIA. Even worse, I'd rather there be fucking.

[Jamie]

Vampires from the CIA guy himself.

[Bert Kreischer]

If they even tried to do it, we're all so fucked.

[Tom Segura]

Which description was from?

[Jamie]

The one that you read was from Lansdale. And Lansdale is this guy who.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that guy is A vampire? What are you talking about?

[Tom Segura]

So he's the ad exec turned CIA operative who masterminded the plot. What a genius.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love like that. But there's something going on here right now.

[Tom Segura]

That is that being in a room doing coke and pitching that idea.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, guys, I have an idea.

[Tom Segura]

Vampires.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know that hole puncher that we use down here? I have an idea. And for everyone was like, for a.

[Tom Segura]

Second, you snatch the guy, and you have to keep him from yelling, so you have to cover his mouth. He's got to be the last guy on the patrol. You have to snatch him so the guy. Guy right in front of him doesn't hear it.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a lot of.

[Tom Segura]

Keep him from screaming. You gotta hold on to his body, keep him from fighting back.

[Bert Kreischer]

Put some in like a needle with a.

[Tom Segura]

It doesn't sound like they.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not yet.

[Tom Segura]

It sounds like they just held that guy and cut his neck and then hung him up by his ankles.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is always my thing. If this is what we know, what do we not know?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, we don't know a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Anything.

[Tom Segura]

We don't know a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Especially when crazy stuff comes out. I'm like, if this is, like, Epstein List, whatever. If this is what they told us, right? It's so bad.

[Tom Segura]

They did one vampire thing. That was the first time they ever did that.

[Bert Kreischer]

They had to practice a couple times.

[Tom Segura]

A few times, it didn't work at all.

[Bert Kreischer]

They had to practice blindfold.

[Tom Segura]

They had to kill everyone. Lansdale brags about an improvised bit of homemade voodoo he called the Eye of God. It was based on a World War II sidewar tactic of learning the names of individual German officers and announcing on the battlefield over loudspeakers that they'd be the next to die, die if they didn't surrender. Holy. Lansdale's twist was to paint a cryptic symbol he called the Eye of God outside the homes the suspected Huck sympathizers. The mysterious presence of these malevolent eyes the next morning had a sharply sobering effect, wrote Lonsdale. That's crazy, isn't it? Like Lansdale.

[Bert Kreischer]

Does stuff like that make you feel like.

[Tom Segura]

Like people are monsters?

[Bert Kreischer]

Like we're like fake news? News has just always been like, maybe this is the. The realest, truest news we've ever had. When you think about back then, it was all just gossip.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, well, I think they definitely controlled the news way better back then. And they do things like the Gulf of Tonkin, you know, where they just decide that they're gonna pretend that we got Attacked so that we can go to war. And who knows how many people died because of that. And that's crazy that they did it and got away with it. That's a real tactic.

[Jamie]

I think this is the crazy part is that he was an active adwiz for all these companies, and then he volunteered to go to the army and they recognized his special talents.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, I'm not getting enough evil done working for Nabisco.

[Jamie]

He's the pioneer of psychological operation.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[Jamie]

Started psyops.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is fascinating because this is like, I've worked. I mean, I sell jeans that cost $10 for 80 bucks. Like, trust me, I know how to trick people. Like, it's so fascinating when you're like, people went from working in an ad agency to sell products to, like, convincing people vampires were real.

[Tom Segura]

It just genius.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I mean, I love that.

[Tom Segura]

Genius. What a great idea.

[Bert Kreischer]

And what's the genius thing now that we're being convinced of?

[Tom Segura]

That's like, oh, I bet they do some of the stuff just for fun to keep practicing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Remember, like, charcoal. Toothpaste was a thing.

[Tom Segura]

I'm like that every day.

[Bert Kreischer]

Charcoal in your mouth. My mouth works. Works because charcoal, it absorbs, it cleans your teeth.

[Tom Segura]

It's really good at cleaning your teeth.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where did we land on this root canals are bad thing?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know about that. I've been. I'm meaning to talk to my orthodontist about it. I haven't had a chance.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm just trying to figure out.

[Tom Segura]

I know a bunch of people that are thinking about getting their root canals removed and getting a post put in. I'm like, is that better? You're going to get a drill bit.

[Bert Kreischer]

But isn't it more about opening it and bacteria getting in and getting into your lining of your body brain?

[Tom Segura]

I can't.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. Me too. I'm like, dude, I've been sucking on coconut oil and doing black seed oil in my mouth. Like, tell me what to do. I'll start eating charcoal if that's what needs to happen. So this is. I don't know, but, like, yeah, what are the things that we're kind of, like, falling for right now or being scared of? Like, I feel like there are a lot of tests, like, drones.

[Tom Segura]

Well, what are the things that are bothering us that we don't know about? Like, the iridium girls. Like, what about WI Fi? What if we find out that WI Fi is making us less and less in tune with our life or less in Tune with our environment or dulls a certain part of your brain.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think with or without the like beams harming us. The phone is doing that anyway, right?

[Tom Segura]

Has there been any long term studies on sci fi or. Excuse me, cell phone. Sci fi. Cell phone signals on their interference with things other than bees? Because I know they do interfere with bees.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well isn't that. Was that confirmed? Because it was also could have been.

[Tom Segura]

Fertilizer and I think there's something, there's a reason why they believe that it has an impact. What is the reason why they think cell phone signals have an impact on bees? I think that's not pseudoscience. I think that's. I think there's a real reason for.

[Bert Kreischer]

Believing because they, I mean something about.

[Tom Segura]

How they navigate and you know what they do. That those signals that are in the air with them could fuck them up. I don't understand.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm on. I have a lot of wi fi at my house and I have bees fucking everywhere.

[Tom Segura]

But yeah, that may be why they're like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, maybe it's a, like, like.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe it's like 11 when they turn on the sirens.

[Bert Kreischer]

When I, when I was pregnant I was listening to like whale sounds a lot.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's so crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I cuz when you have a baby and you. It's like an amphibian, it's breathing right. Fluid, right.

[Tom Segura]

That's smart.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I was like, but what if these whales are like fighting like I don't know what they're saying.

[Tom Segura]

They're saying a bunch of racist.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. Cell phone signals can affect bees, causing behavioral changes like increased agitation and worker piping. An alarm sound indicating disturbance. Those sensationalized claims linking them directly to mass colony collapse are not fully supported by science. Studies show bees are sensitive to the electromagnetic fields from active phones, disrupting their normal communication and potentially leading to disorientation. So here's the thing. Do we know if it affects us? Like we don't really know. I mean there's a lot of people that. Oh EMF man. And there's a lot of people like oh, it's all bullshit. But what is the reality? Do we really know? And isn't all this stuff fairly recent?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I mean there is. Jamie, you can find this. And I won't to corroborate because I won't know the exact year but their T mobile had put aside like a lot of money for, for possible lawsuits with all this stuff. So I did, I did. You know, I always have some weird.

[Tom Segura]

Side thing when you made a documentary on violence.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right. On Calcio Store with Pete Berg, by the way. And I still want to go. I still want to go. It's in Florence every June. Wouldn't you want to go?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

To see Calcios Dorco.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

That would be so. That'd be so sick. Because it's not trained fighters, it's just like butchers and.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, those guys are trained.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I mean, they're not like professional, I mean.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I don't know about that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, really?

[Tom Segura]

Some of them look like they absolutely knew how to fight.

[Bert Kreischer]

Agree. They train all year to do this, but they're not like, is that sure?

[Tom Segura]

Are you sure they don't have any MMA fights or anything?

[Bert Kreischer]

Maybe, I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

I think I'm watching some of those guys. I'm like, that guy looks like he's fought.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're all training all year for this thing, but I think they have other jobs. Like, professionally it's kind of like. And it's okay, you know, but. But yeah, they all look like they're like.

[Tom Segura]

But not all of them. Just like a few guys look like ringers.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

When I'm watching it, you know, I'm watching these guys duke it out. Some guys look like they belong there and other guys look like, that's an MMA fighter, that's a guy who's throwing leg kicks.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they say that crime goes down in the region to zero during that month.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, why am I opposed to that when I'm not opposed to mma? I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, it probably just will annoy you to watch people so bad at this getting.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, it's not even that. It's just like, I worry that we're moving in a direction where violence, violence is team violence. Team violence, like that leads to war. Like individual violence is a one on one person.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

Your skills against his skills, your mind against his mind, your will. How well you've prepared, the discipline you showed in training, your IQ in terms of fighting iq, that's a fascinating contest to me. But the. When you see teams of dudes running each other and each other up like that, to me is like, what are you asking for? Well, okay, what are you getting people excited about?

[Bert Kreischer]

And what fascinates me about it is what we were talking about earlier with the AI and everything of like, knowing what humans need in order to stay, whether it's satiated, you know, bridled in some way of like, if AI takes away all the hard things or whatever. Like the whack a mole of what are people going to start doing, you know, when they don't have. Like, if AI is like, this is too crazy. You guys are fighting too much. Much like. But if we're born to kind of fight and need to extract, why we're.

[Tom Segura]

Going to have to integrate.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Merge.

[Tom Segura]

Put that chip in your brain, Whitney. Look, we're all going to have.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think I have worse things in my brain.

[Tom Segura]

It's like we're all saying, like, oh, I don't want to email. Everybody has an email.

[Bert Kreischer]

We've already merged with our phones. I mean, when I leave my phone, I feel it in my gut 100%. I'm like, where is it 100%? Like, I. There's times where I'm like, driving home and I'm like, I've completely atrophied. Like, I don't even have peripheral vision. I don't have muscle memory of how to get home.

[Tom Segura]

Right. You forgot. You forgot how to navigate la.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Like, we are a unit.

[Tom Segura]

If you try to go through LA and you don't have a navigation system now, you're fucked.

[Bert Kreischer]

They call photos memories because your memories are in there, they're not in your head. It's like, I look like memories and I'm like, oh, I forgot about that because it's in here.

[Tom Segura]

Right? You literally don't even remember. And then you see the picture and now you remember.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, they do. Like a year ago today, I'm like, oh, right, right. I didn't log that.

[Tom Segura]

You ever have a friend tell you a story and you're like, oh, I forgot about that trip.

[Bert Kreischer]

Crazy.

[Tom Segura]

It's weird. Crazy, like you just didn't have it accessible.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right. How did I delete that?

[Tom Segura]

You deleted it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why did I delete it?

[Tom Segura]

You got no room. There's too many things. Especially a person like you who's constantly talking to people, constantly going to different places. Like, is like two too much novel. Yeah, it's getting into your head.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

Too many novel stories. Novel conversations. Like, oh, wow. Oh, whoa. Did you know? Did you do. And it's like after a while, your hard drive's like, we're bleeding out too much. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I'm like, why do I remember every lyric to every R. Kelly song, but I cannot remember what happened last week? It's funny.

[Tom Segura]

I wish you would.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you remember America? Have you seen America? Oh, yeah. I'm gonna bring you back to America. America. It doesn't mean, like, I'm gonna get your shots. Did you get your shots? Did you get your vaccine? This is like. They're like, let's fill out your paper.

[Jamie]

Come to America with Robert or something.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Oh, my God. It was amazing. Amazing. We won't. We'll play this just for us, and we'll end this with. With that. Let me hear that part.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's. The other thing is, I can't put it on extreme. Extreme left people. They'll be like, america's full of fascist Nazis, but let everyone in. Come here. Here.

[Jamie]

Technically not a release song, but I don't know if he has.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, it's, like, on YouTube.

[Tom Segura]

We'll. We'll wrap it up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you get your shots? I love you.

[Tom Segura]

At the comedy Mothership all weekend. Sold out. Sorry. Here we go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you have your passport?

[Tom Segura]

I have to cut this off. You want to wrap it up? We'll wrap it up now. You play it now. Bye, everybody. Love you, Sam.