A (2:53)

It's, it's a great special.

B (2:54)

Everyone should go watch it.

A (2:56)

It is. The link is in the bio, this episode. It's very funny. It is. I, so, but the road thing, because I'm on the road, I'm doing these clubs and we live in a time where like, you know, you know, stand up comedy kind of gets co opted and people enter into it, you know, at their leisure and they don't really, I, you know, they don't really understand the idea of like, you know, when someone says, are you on tour? That, like, drives me crazy.

B (3:23)

Yes, Same here. Right? That is a, that is a strange pet peeve question. Because when people say, oh, are you on tour? I go, yeah. And they go, when, when is the tour done? I'm like, when I'm dead. That, that is when the, that, that is when the tour is done. When did the tour begin? Oh, I don't know, 19 years ago. I started doing the road and I don't, I think two weeks has been the most I've had off in 19 years, you know, so it's like now I'm gonna take three months off for the summer and that's like ridiculous to me. I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself. Maybe I'll see my wife and kids, but for the most part, it's, yeah, it, I'm. I'm a road comic. That's what I am.

A (4:08)

Well, I would say that the, the, a pet peeve part of it is that I think we all aspire to having a tour, you know, like that, you know, the, the, you know, that's an aspiration that if someone gets 2 million YouTube followers, you know, or 2 million TikTok followers or whatever, and they say, well, I want to do eight city tour, and they get to like do eight cities and then be done with it. That's just not like a reasonable thing to a working comedian, you know. It is, it is, it is. You know, so if you're doing this as like a side thing that you kind of want to try, you can say you're on tour and it makes, you know, maybe us who go on, you who, who do stand up every week to make a living kind of go, well, what the fuck? They're doing this thing that we have to do and love doing as kind of this like, frivolous activity, you know? Like, and you want to tell someone, the everyday Joe and Jim, they would never understand that. They would go, why are you so miserable? Just do a tour.

B (5:26)

Yeah, but then that'd be like telling anyone who, like, let's say you're, you're a toll booth operator and you're just like, so, so how often are you a toll booth operator? It's like, that's my job, right? That's like when I, when, when I leave the home, I come home with a check. That is how the job works. And comedy is a really interesting state. Stand up comedy is this fascinating thing where it's like anyone in show business, practically everyone in show business pretty much just agrees that Stan standup is like the hardest live art form to do. It is easier to be an actor. It is easier to be a musician. Didn't say successful musician, just said musician. But standup is the hardest thing to do. And yet whenever someone gets canceled or just wants to make a little bit of extra money or has a little bit of extra popularity, they go, let's just do the hardest thing. Right? I don't know if you saw the Charlie Sheen doc that was on Netflix. That's the example I always use of when that guy got fired from Two and a Half Men. He just went on a stand up comedy tour. It's like within two weeks, he's like, you know what? I'll go on tour. That's during the whole Tiger Blood winning.

A (6:46)

I remember.

B (6:47)

Yeah. He goes, I'll just go on tour and I'll do stand up comedy. I'll rent out these theaters. And then people were surprised that it sucked. Yeah. He had two weeks to get going. He had two weeks to do what often takes men and women 10, 12, 15 years to get right. He was like, yeah, two weeks. So it's like whenever I see like right now, Stormy Daniels is on tour. She's on tour.

A (7:13)

She's been on tour for now, years. At this point.

B (7:16)

Yeah, she might even be good at this point. I don't.

A (7:19)

She might be good.

B (7:20)

Yeah.

A (7:20)

Like at first, right?

B (7:23)

Like Nene Leakes, one of the Housewives of. She. She, she was doing a stand up comedy tour. And I'm always just like the, Like, I thought I have a big ego because we go on stage and we expect a room full of strangers to be silent while we talk. That's a pretty big ego. To just think that you can do that. But to think that you can do that well, with no workout, no training, no nothing whatsoever. That, that, that is an ego. That I do not have, because, like, I'm a stand up comic. When pe, when pe, when people go, oh, are you an actor? I go, I've done some stuff, but I'm a stand up comic. Don't, don't compare me to Leonardo DiCaprio. He's a lot better than me, right? Like, I, I, I, I don't think I could just step in and do and do what he does, right?

A (8:09)

It's like the difference between, are you a skier? But versus I have skied, you know,

B (8:15)

Yes, I have skied. I do not make my living skiing. I do not, I'm not a skier at the Winter Olympics and go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A (8:22)

I, I could do that even, even less than that. It's not something I have to do every winter, you know, it's not something I grew up on. It's not something I, that's in my blood. Are you a golfer versus do you golf? It's the same. Like, no, I suck at golf. Like, you, you almost want to let them know I'm horrible, I stink. It doesn't matter how good or bad you are. I, I've golf, but I'm, don't call me a golfer because someone might hear it who's actually a good golfer. Like, we have. That's called having some shame, you know, like, I, I, there's a shameless activity to going on stage with no act and charging people money for it. That is actually crazy and embarrassing, you know, to me.

B (9:03)

Like, it really is. And it's always amazing to me that then people buy a ticket and then they go see, they go, the show wasn't that good. And I'm like, yeah, if I decided next week to go on a tour and be a, and, and be, and be a tap dancer or a professional ice skater to just, you know, on a whim, that is as insane as someone saying, I'm going to go do standup comedy. Who has never done standup comedy before.

A (9:30)

And, and we're talking about this on a podcast where I'm like, I'm not sure how much people care. Like, I want to acknowledge that if this come, when this comes up, people's eyes glaze over. I'm the miserable one. I'm the loser. Yes, Right. Like, well, it's not a tour. I'm on the road all the time. And anyone who's calling it a tour, who's not, you know, Tom Segura or like Nate Brigaze that can do an arena or Shane Gillis right now, like, there's A group of people who could call it a tour, who have the luxury of that and make the money that they could do that. That actually makes sense financially. And know that now you're the nerd who's getting in. Now you're an accountant. Like, you sound like a miserable accountant. And it's like, so I bring this up to try and have an educated listener. But I. We may. They literally nobody might. Everyone might have turned this off already because they're like, I don't want to. I don't want to listen to 2 miserable fox complain about, you know, the idea that.

B (10:26)

Semantics. Right, Semantics. So we get it. And, and, and to, and to be fair to, to your point, it doesn't affect me or you if Stormy Daniels decides to be a standup comedian at all. Whomever. It doesn't affect our lives. It doesn't. And here's what I always tell people that are talking about the business or how to get bigger in the business. I always say, well, if you're funny, you will work. If you are funny, you will work. And because there's so few people that can actually do this well, that if you are funny, you will work. Will you get to be the Shane Gillis, the Nate Bargazzi's where you're selling out arenas? I'd say no, because that takes a certain number of circumstances, talent, so many other factors. But if you are funny, I don't know any comedian that is really hilarious. That is just like, I can't get booked, right? Like, like, like I can't.

A (11:26)

This is all where I was trying to go 10 minutes into this show. What is your road thing? We are sponsored. Built. Do you rent or pay a mortgage? Built is a membership that makes those big monthly expenses work for you. With Built, every housing payment earns you points that you can use towards Travel, Lyft rides, Amazon.com purchases, and so much more. Listen, I'm a built user.

B (11:52)

The.

A (11:52)

The beauty of Built is that there are places you will go that you don't even know are built partners that you get points from. And these points are usable, are great. My brother is the biggest built guy I know. He tracks it on the app. He's got a whole thing built. I honestly, if I know I'm getting points, it kind of changes how I consume and it makes me choose different vendors that maybe I wouldn't have chosen before. I think built is a great way to kind of gamify your purchases and get more out of them. With Built's new neighborhood concierge feature, you can make restaurant reservations, book fitness classes at places like Soul Cycle and Core Power Yoga. So what a great benefit to the Built program. I, I, it's just all about benefiting you and access exclusive member only experiences. You're literally earning rewards while you explore your neighborhood. Also with Built, I've done a partnership with them to get people to my shows. They're, they're, they're, they email people and do tickets through the Built app. So join the membership for where you live at. Join built.com j train. That's J-O I N B I L T.com j train. Make sure to use my URL so they know I sent you. That's join built.com j train. What do you do? Do you have a road thing? Like, do you have a thing that you're like, this is why I have over the years created this thing that I have to do when I stay at a Courtyard Marriott in a random town. Like, what's the thing?

B (13:34)

Oh, like I do like doing stuff in terms of like going out and seeing the cities. I do like, like seeing whatever museums are there. If there's a, if there was a tourist trap, if you guys got the world's largest pecan in your city, then yeah, I'll probably go see that. But, but I will say that this is the difference between when I was working clubs and now that I'm doing theaters is that with theaters you don't really have the time. You get there at noon, two o', clock, you're doing soundcheck, you're checking in and you don't have time to go do the thing. Clubs, I could wake up at 6pm and then go to the club and everything's set up for me. Everything's great. But theater, there's a whole process. So I haven't gotten to do too much in the past two or three years in terms of my normal sightseeing, but I love doing that stuff.

A (14:32)

But is there like a hotel thing you do? Like what is like a, like, is there like a, like, I'll give you an example. I unpack.

B (14:39)

All right?

A (14:40)

I like to unpack.

B (14:42)

I see, I see.

A (14:42)

I, I will get to a hotel no matter what the city is. And I'm like putting away my stuff as if I'm avoiding other responsibilities. I have, I'm putting my shoes on the shelf even though I'm there for two days or whatever amount of time. I get some sort of joy out of unpacking.

B (14:59)

Yeah, that, that is interesting because we live in hotels so often it's it's almost like, are you doing that because you're trying to make this nomadic lifestyle seem somewhat normal? Like, no, this is my place of residence. Right. Even though you're there for three days or whatever the hell it is.

A (15:17)

Literally putting my socks in a sock drawer to only take them out two days later and not have used all the socks. You're like, yeah, yeah.

B (15:26)

One thing I do right when I get inside my hotel room, the minute I get in my hotel room is I go look at the shower. And I do this because if the shower head is pointed up or to the side against the wall, I'm. And I don't want. This is just because of my height. So I don't want to be naked getting ready to take a shower. And then I'm calling down to the front desk to be like, oh, damn it, the shower head fucked. So now I got to call down to the front desk and send someone up to take a shower while I'm sitting there in a towel. So I. I immediately check in and look at the shower.

A (16:04)

I never would have known that. That is something that I'm happy to know now. This is, like, the reason to have conversations with people that aren't, you know, AI. You know, like, this is, like, this is. This is called empathizing with someone else's position in life and going, oh, that's crazy. I never would have thought of that. Like, and the. And the only way I can relate is the. This is, like, when I get ready to take a nap and I get, like, everything. Like, I put on my, like, shorts, and I take off my clothes, and I put everything in the bed the right way, and I undo the comforter from underneath so that I don't have to kick it out with my legs. And then I get in bed and I go. I left the remote all the way across the room. I want to turn on the TV and have sports center on. Like, that, to me, is, like, the only way I can relate to.

B (16:59)

Yes. And it is so strange that when you travel, but you travel a lot, and there will be these. There will be these particular things that you do, these little routines that you have that just try to keep you from going insane. That is at the end of the day, why we do all these things is just so we don't go, wait, why am I in a hotel room in Des Moines? And. And in. The answer is, because you have to, because you have no other discernible skills. This is why. This is what we got. This is what we do.

A (17:32)

Why do you use Des Moines as your example? Because that's my go to random city that I use.

B (17:38)

Isn't that weird? And actually, I've been to Des Moines several times, and it's pleasant, it's fine. There's, there's nothing wrong with it.

A (17:45)

And the people are nice and they're normal and they're actually like, yeah, it's a cool group there. But I do use Des Moines. I don't know, maybe it's how it rolls off the tongue.

B (17:54)

There's certain words that phonetically are just funnier than other words. Des Moines is more funny than Omaha for some weird reason. I don't know. Why is Bismarck funnier than Des Moines? I don't know, but it's the same reason why if you're telling a joke and you call a woman a slut, it kind of like hurts a little more. But if you say whore, then that's funny. I can't explain why. I don't know why. I, I, I, I don't know why, but in just my experience, I've found out if you're doing a joke about a woman who sleeps around a lot, you call her a slut. You, you, you're mean. Ooh. From the, yeah, you're mean. You're t, you're talking down. But then when you call her a, it's like, ah, yeah, that's silly. Whore. Like, I, I don't know why that is, but some words are just funnier than other words. Some words work and some don't.

A (18:47)

You, you also only get one usage of set. Unless you're, unless you're British. Unless you're from the uk.

B (18:59)

Jeffries, you're Australian. British. Then you, then, then, yeah, because my, my, my buddy Chris Turner, who is British, he uses it a lot. Yeah, I got one in my set right now. And that, and that's the thing. You get one, you can't use it again. And if you use it again, it may get a chuckle, but it's not going to hit the same way it would if you saved up that entire time and you just had the one. It's like an old, like, school video game power up where you, like, you have to like, save it, save it, save it. And then once you release, that's it. That's all, that's all. That's all you got.

A (19:39)

Well, that's funny because, like, you know, comedians are so in tune. You know, someone might be listening to this or watching this on YouTube and going, why would you ever calling a woman a, that's like the worst thing you could ever say. Like, that's crazy. And I would agree with them. But then the way we're talking about language is as if it's literally like a arrow in your sheath, as you said, like a power up in a video game. Like, and when you start using words that way to try and elicit a response, you know what you're doing. There's a. A knowledge of what you're doing. I think that's also why it gets a little frustrating to see people use comedy as a divisive measure to get attention. We know they know what they're doing. Like, when you're trying to be divisive, it's like, well, you can play dumb and naive, but we know as people who do this, like, you just said Des Moines. That is a punchier word hunt. You get one cunt like, it is. So it's so funny to be removing the emotion from it.

B (20:43)

Yeah.

A (20:44)

In this kind of battle that you're in to go on stage and, you know, I have an hour, you gotta laugh every 10 seconds. I'm gonna do what I can. I want the material to be good, but I gotta say the good material in a way that gets me to where we need to go.

B (20:58)

And see, this is one. This points to one of the larger differences that I've ever seen between comedians and non comedians. Comedians could always look at jokes in a vacuum. Like, is the joke funny by itself? Is the wording funny? The pacing, word choice, delivery, Is that funny? Outside of that, non comedians look at jokes typically, there are exceptions to every rule, but non comedians typically look at jokes from an emotional standpoint. How did the joke make me feel? Someone will hear a joke that will offend them, hear a room full of people laughing, and go, well, that joke's not funny. You go, well, no, because the room full of people left like, it worked.

A (21:41)

Right, right, right. We just voted the job, Right?

B (21:44)

Yeah. It's not funny to you, and that's fine. You don't have to find every joke funny. People have their tastes, and that's fine. But you can't say the joke's not funny if it worked. So that's what I noticed. But difference.

A (21:57)

But then what? We have to decide. You know, sorry to interrupt, but we have to decide. Is that who I want to be? You know, I. I think that that's. That's the. That is the part that comedians who defend, you know, I want to say whatever I want. They kind of stop the conversation. Now we get to decide. You are that guy, you are the guy who does this. And if you don't want to be known as that, you have to stop doing this. Like if someone says yes, if one person in the room says to me like you do, so you do a joke about you. You talk about deaf people being kind of the darkest, you know, having a dark sense of humor. People who are deaf have a dark sense of humor. You had to be. If you go into the, and the material is very funny. If you go in, if you go into that material, you have to be okay with the people you lose from that material as well.

B (22:50)

You always have to have that balance.

A (22:52)

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B (24:45)

You always have to have that balance. A prime example of this for me personally was in my last special called Starfish, also on my YouTube channel. So you can watch both of them. Go check them out. In my. In my last special, I. I did a joke about the. I don't know if you remember this, The Bud Light transgender spokesperson controversy. And I remember people were upset. Yeah, I did a joke about it, and the first incarnation of the joke, it got a laugh, but it got a laugh that I was like, oh, I don't like that laugh. I do not.

A (25:25)

That's a real thing.

B (25:25)

I. I didn't like. There was a lot of anger behind the laugh. I felt like the wrong types of people were laughing and for the wrong types of reasons. It sounded like they were like, yeah, get em. And I'm like, oh, no, not that. Not that. Don't want to do that. So I completely rewrote the joke. Completely. And the end result, I am really proud of, because then if you read the comments on Instagram, there will be people in the comments that go, hey, I'm transgender. This is hilarious. Like. Like, this is funny. And when I saw that, I was like, okay, good. I got the right laugh. So that's an example of you can have a choice in this world. Like, it's not just what works and what doesn't is what do you want to work? What kind of audience do you want to be a part of? And when you start going, like, you know, when I called woman cunts over and over and over again, it really got a good laugh in the sports bar. I'm going to do that. Okay, good luck.

A (26:33)

Good luck with that.

B (26:35)

Because there's going to be some people that when you do that, it's why I always say, like, when some people will make the comment or claim, like, oh, you can't joke about stuff anymore. No, no, no, no. You can joke about anything. You joke about absolutely anything. Just some topics are a little more difficult than other topics, you have to admit. Bring up.

A (26:54)

Yeah.

B (26:54)

If you bring up, like, if you're like, no, you can't even talk about abortion. I go, okay, you can. You can. You can make a joke and some people laugh, but there will be some people that hear just that word and go, absolutely not. Whatever comes out of this comedian's mouth is not funny right now. Well, and you have to. You have to be okay with it.

A (27:14)

That's. Well, that's why a lot of times when I'm looking at, like, we're watching a special, I'm like, why is this person here on this topic island? And I think that, like, well, with you, you, you get into kink. You, you talk a lot about sexual preferences. Is that, is that just something as a little person that like, comes with the territory that you have to hear from people? What is that something that is like, I, I, I, I, I, without knowing. It's not my personal experience, but like, is that something people feel free to talk to little people about?

B (27:47)

Weirdly, Is that, Yeah, I, I've gotten a lot of people after shows telling me, and this is men and women both saying, like, oh, I've always had this fantasy. I've always wanted to be with a little person. I've always wanted, this has always been something. So people are, have, have been honest to me about it. Back in my 20s, I may have done some stuff in that world. Not like publicly, like you could go watch on the Internet or anything, but there was, I would assume. Yeah, yeah, but there, there, yeah, if that was the case, there'd be a, this, be a completely different interview, but there. So I have some experience with it and it's something that I was like, familiar with. I didn't sit down and go, I'm going to write a joke about sexual kinks.

A (28:37)

No, because it didn't feel that way. You're like, I've had, I've been painted blue. Like, you're talking about getting painted blue. And I'm like. And I'm like, but. And then like, I'm going through kind of like the set list and I'm like, is this something that you've talked to other little people about where this is just something that, you know, maybe nobody would know unless you experience it, that people for some reason, like, like, I know as a comedian, and again, I'm trying to find a way to relate to the topic where when I go to a party, it feels like as a comedian and you probably feel, I would wonder if you feel this. The people feel very free to talk to comedians about whatever their deepest, darkest thing is. Like, because you are, you're saying things into a microphone, so you must have no level of shame involved. So I, At a party, like, if I'm with just with college friends, someone will get drunk and randomly just tell me like a weird thing. And I'm like, why me? What? And it happens a lot. And I think it's because I'm a comedian where they're like, well, you're, you don't care what people think of you, you know, like, or thing. Is this something that you relate to other little people about?

B (29:53)

Oh, yeah. And there's times when people Talk to me. Because I do a meet and greet after every show. Yeah. And which is great because I get to hear some of the most wonderful stories you've ever heard. But also, people forget that I am a human being. And

A (30:14)

this is my. The same way this is my speech after every show. 9.5 out of 10 meet and greet interactions are the best you've ever felt in your entire life. And 0.5 is like, maybe I'll never speak to another human being again.

B (30:30)

Yes. Because as you said, they've just watched me at that point for an hour. They watched me be very honest, be very open, be very vulnerable. And they go, you know What? In my 30 seconds of meeting Brad, I'm going to be very honest, very open, and very vulnerable. And I'm like, you don't have to be. You could just say, hey, I enjoyed the show. Can you please sign my T shirt? And that'll be a pleasant interaction of which I will have no afterthoughts about. But when you come up to me and you go, you know, I've always wanted to dress a dwarf like a sailor and fuck him from behind. Oh, okay.

A (31:11)

Right.

B (31:11)

What do you suppose with that information?

A (31:13)

Right. Would you like a picture?

B (31:16)

Yeah, it's. It's always very strange when someone just admits something where. Because I also have a line of people, there's many times when people come up and say something to me that I'm like, if this was one person in a meet and greet, we would then have to have a conversation, me and this person, about like, hey, that's not cool to do. Right?

A (31:38)

No, I.

B (31:38)

Like, you said something about. You just said something about disabled people. You said a racist joke, and I mentioned my wife is Chinese. On stage sometimes we'll go like, hey, you ever hear about the china? And I'm just like, dude, no. What the. But because the line is long, I'm trying to get through it, you know, before the calendar turns into the next day. I just go, okay, all right, come over here. Take a photo. Click. And then. And then. And then we move on. But, yeah, there's been. Yeah, there. There's. There's been some insane, insane things. 1. This is the one that pops up in my brain, and literally, this man was almost killed on the spot. I'll explain. So I was doing. This was years ago. This was at the Tempe Improv.

A (32:30)

I was just there.

B (32:32)

Oh, yeah, okay. Some fun, fun people in Arizona. My wife was with me for that meet and greet, and she was helping to sell the merch and as I mentioned before, my wife is Chinese. I talk about her. Cool. Some guy comes up and I can't believe he did this. Goes right up to my wife and goes, is this your wife? And I go, yes. And goes, oh, well, you're not like, Chinese, Chinese. And he goes like, like, you're not like, ching chong, ching chong. Says the words, ching chong, ching chong. And my wife, like, threw down her hand, like, all right. And now if you know about my past experiences or when I've talked about her in the past, she is a martial artist. She does have a skill set, you know, a very particular set of skills. And we had to get that guy out of there so fast because it's like, no, okay, you're done. Shove out security. Bye. Out the door. Because, yeah, that was. I. I think we saved his life because she was, she was ready, man. It was like. But that's things that people like, I can't. What would possess someone to look at someone of Asian descent and go, yeah, but you're not real Asian.

A (33:46)

Like, and, you know, the empathetic view to it is like they're hopped up on a high energy night and a little bit of alcohol and they just heard some. You know, it's funny that we, you know, again, like, in this world of, like, how could you ever allow that? You go, yeah, we're looking at this now. We're going. People get crazy after a show. People get like in there and they're saying hi to someone who they, you know, who they've seen on their screens, and they go, what am I going to say? I got to say something that's better than the last person. Which is like, not what you're looking for. You know, like, it's crazy. It's crazy how the experience is very different for most, but exactly the same for us.

B (34:34)

Yeah, there's a. There's a part of people that, I mean, they just saw us be really funny and semi inappropriate for an hour or so, and they say, oh, I should say something funny and inappropriate to them. But what they don't realize is that we have curated that. That in that inappropriate thing to be a perfectly molded joke to where it can be digested by the majority of the audience. And so we know how to do this. And just winging it afterward, be like, oh, I'm going to talk about this story about my black friend and he. And he's going to love it. It's like, no, I will not.

A (35:13)

Also, we know how many cunts an audience can take, you know, like, it's like. Like, you know, like, we inherently know. It's just. It is crazy how similar I. I opened for. I remember really early on, I opened for Steve Ranazizi, and he. And he was taking pictures afterwards, and he. I was kind of like, off to the side, you know, helping with the pictures or just kind of like watching this go down. And there was a big group that came up, and they were like, they got in with Steve, and then the one guy goes, come with us. Get in. Hey, Jared, you get in, too. And I was like, okay. And I get in and he goes. And he's hammer drunk, and he takes his and puts it on my thigh and farts directly into my thigh. And I felt it in the way that you feel someone do. Like the fake loogie on your head where they take their tongue and they

B (36:06)

go, yeah, you know, like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A (36:09)

I felt it go directly into my thigh. And I go, did you just fart on me, sir? And he's like, yeah. Oh, it's like your joke with the fart. I was like, I don't have a joke about that. And he goes, well, I thought you did a joke about it. And this is. And they go, okay, come on, take the picture. And now my arm is around him while we sit in his fart, you know, juice. And I'm like, I feel like the biggest loser ever. And then it's.

B (36:42)

It's funny so good.

A (36:44)

It was crazy. And I'm like, I can't believe he just farted on me. Like, and it's funny that you say, like, what was the thought that he

B (36:53)

thought you were going to have? Like, you were going to fart. Like, he. Like, he was going to fart on you and you were. And you were going to go, like, my joke. Oh, amazing. Let's be friends.

A (37:05)

Thank you.

B (37:06)

Friends.

A (37:06)

Oh, my God.

B (37:08)

Let me call the vice president of show business. Let me give you a sitcom. Let. Let. Let's have that happen.

A (37:15)

You know, we need. Tomorrow. Will you do it? Are you free?

B (37:20)

Can you do the fart on me gag again?

A (37:22)

It'll be.

B (37:22)

Yeah, you can do.

A (37:23)

You can do it again. We'll get everyone to, you know, take a picture with you, and we'll fart in their leg.

B (37:27)

Oh, my God.

A (37:28)

It is just crazy. And I. All right, we'll. We'll move on from the. The subject. I. Everyone go watch Brad Williams special. The link is in the bio. This episode, wherever you're watching or listening, it is in the bio. It is called Live on Short Street. You're going to love it. Okay. Three questions before we get out of here. I want to get you.

B (37:49)

Okay. What is the. This is great. This is fun. Before we get to the three questions.

A (37:55)

Sure.

B (37:55)

I'll.

A (37:56)

I'll.

B (37:56)

I'll tell. I'll tell you this. I literally have to. So. Because I do the meet and greet. I do. When I announce the meet and greet on stage, I have to tell them one thing. One thing I have to tell them every single time. Because if I don't, it will happen. Okay. Every time I do the. When I'm on stage telling them there will be a meet and greet, I have to tell them. Under no circumstances are you allowed to pick me up.

A (38:24)

The fact that you have to tell people that is crazy. Yes. Like, you're like, hey. The fact that you're like, hey, I would love to take a picture with you. This has been such a fun night. And someone in the crowd is like, oh, thank God, I can pick him up.

B (38:43)

Yes.

A (38:43)

Is actually the craziest thing I've ever heard.

B (38:47)

Yes, then. And some would be nice enough to ask permission. Some would just be like, all right, and here we go. And you're like, what the Is happening?

A (38:58)

When someone asks you permission, what do you. How do you. I know they're trying to be polite, but it is rude. It's like a totally. Right, right, right. Like, they're being polite with their rudeness. What do you say to someone who asked to pick you up?

B (39:18)

I say, absolutely fucking not. And, like, at no point in my set did I say that I love this. At no point in my set did I say, well, this would be a great idea.

A (39:31)

No.

B (39:31)

Also, I've. I've watched you consume four Long Island Iced teas while I was on stage. And I don't know if this is gonna be the best for my safety, if I leave my feet and all of a sudden, the drunk. A hole is in. Is in control.

A (39:47)

You don't have to say safety reasons. I don't want you to pick me up. End of story. Oh, because I don't have. Like, like, like, like. Because I don't trust you and that. Like, that's, you know.

B (39:58)

Yeah. So, yeah, there I. There I. That's the thing where I had to say, and how bad did it get to where I was like, shit, after every show, I have to say this. And if I don't say this, because even when I do say it, there'll be some people and, you know, who are the contrarian type, that when you tell them not to do something, Their first thought is immediately, oh, well, I have to do this now. Or. Or that rule doesn't apply to me. People will still come up. Yeah. And it's like, no, no, under no circumstances, you cannot bribe me. You cannot negotiate. It's not happening.

A (40:39)

Well, it's.

B (40:40)

But that's. That's. That. That. That's our public.

A (40:43)

It's a. Well, that's a crazy thing. Is that an asshole who's like, I want to pick up Brad is a different type of asshole than the one goes, oh, I didn't even think of that. I could pick up Brad. Like, two. Two completely different pieces of shit.

B (41:04)

Two people that we don't need that will never discover a cure for cancer. And if. If they. If they left our world, we'd all probably be better for it.

A (41:15)

I mean, honestly, I want that person to, like, wear a badge. Like, I want them to have to, like, where.

B (41:22)

Hey, I'm a douchebag.

A (41:24)

Badge.

B (41:25)

Yeah. Just. Hey, I'm a douche. Just. Yeah. When you start talking to me, just know I'm a douche. If I'm at a sports bar, you know, and a touchdown happens, don't turn to me and say anything.

A (41:36)

Don't talk to me.

B (41:38)

I'm gonna start with some douche opinions.

A (41:40)

I. I'm. What I would do for that badge. Okay. Three quick questions.

B (41:44)

Let's do it.

A (41:45)

We'll do them rapid fire. The special is called Live on Short Street. Favorite joke of the special.

B (41:53)

Oh, man. You know what? The whole thing about there. All right, There's. There's my favorite haha joke, and my favorite thing that I say, My favorite haha joke is just when I'm talking about how I wish I had a foot fetish. That. That is my favorite joke. It was so fun to make happen. And the whole premise being as a dwarf, my life would be so amazing if I had a foot fetish. I would just be walking around. I'm so close to the thing I love. I'd just be like, yeah, fuck yeah.

A (42:33)

Fuck yeah.

B (42:33)

Fuck yeah. Like, just run around. It's fun to do. It's a fun act out. I run. I run across the stage. That's my favorite, like, joke. Joke. Okay. My. My favorite thing I say in the special, and this is kind of as a comedian, I remember Christopher Titus once told me that he loves laughter. Of course he does. But then he also loves silence, because when he hears an audience silent, he knows that he has them. Not. Not silence as in he's not doing well. Silence as in they're listening, right? Like when he's talking and then he stops talking and there's silence. He goes, oh, my God, I have him. And so there's a part in the end where I talk about. Where I talk about going to therapy and I talk about what it's done. And there's this. There's this. There's this silence near the end of the special that goes for a bit, and then I release the tension. I come back with a joke. And the release is so good. Just that whole segment is like, this is a full range of theater. This is me. Laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh. Okay, Serious. And then you're thinking about something. You're thinking about your own lives. You're thinking about your own things that you've gone through. And then, don't get me wrong, I'll save you. I'll bring you back another joke. But that. That part is. Because that's. That's a part that takes a while to figure out how to do on stage to. To. To. To. To get serious. I know it's rapid fire, and that wasn't around Taking.

A (44:15)

Taking the audience to a place and whipping them back to another place is a fun feeling. Okay?

B (44:23)

It is fun. Whether it be thinking and then you're sad and then you're happy again, whether it be. I'm going to say something that's going to intentionally piss you off. But then I have the line that I know is going to save it. That's always fun because when the audience is in that first mode, you know the secret. You know that the line is coming. That's going to save it. They don't know that yet. That's a wonderful, wonderful place to be in joke.

A (44:51)

You wish you had more time with.

B (44:54)

Oh, on. On. On the special.

A (44:56)

Yes.

B (44:59)

The joke I wish I had more time with was the true story about how I have doggy stares to get into my bed. And I wish I had more time with that because that joke happened about three months before we taped, so I didn't get a lot of time with it. And even now, as I'm slowly retiring all that material, it's like I discover new lines in that now, but, like, I've already recorded it, but worst feeling in the world. Oh. Oh, you're like, that could have been. Yes.

A (45:41)

There's like.

B (45:43)

Yeah. So now, right now, there's a version I'm telling on stage that is the same but different, and I really like it. But, yeah, I wish I had more time with that joke.

A (45:52)

Okay, last question, everyone. Go watch Brad Williams special. It is hilarious. Live on Short Street. What did you eat today?

B (46:01)

Oh, my God. Pastrami sandwich.

A (46:04)

Really?

B (46:05)

Sandwich on a Monday? On a Monday I'll do that show.

A (46:11)

What kind of heaven are you living in?

B (46:13)

What the heaven where I own my home and I buy whatever that I want? So it wasn't a great deli pastrami sandwich, but it was a homemade pastrami.

A (46:27)

Any day with a pastrami is a good day. That's.

B (46:29)

You're good. Got to put the stone ground mustard right in there. And it just. It just popped. Hot. Hot pastrami.

A (46:38)

I love.

B (46:39)

There's. There's you. There's few joys that can compare with having a hot pastrami sandwich. And I got to have one of those. What kind of bread? I'm not a rye guy. Some guys go with the rye bread for pastrami. I just went what? They're called French roll. Yeah, French roll.

A (47:01)

You're keeping pastrami and French rolls in the house?

B (47:07)

Oh, yeah.

A (47:09)

This is. I live a good life on a Monday. This is how I know you're not Jewish.

B (47:13)

This is crazy.

A (47:14)

No eating issues with you. This is insanity.

B (47:19)

I don't have any eating issues.

A (47:21)

None. You can't. You can't. If you eat that on a Monday and you hold those things in the house, you are fine with eating. All right, everyone go watch Brad special. Go follow Brad on social media. Live on Short Street, I'm Jared Freed. Back next week. Boom.