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It's a mailbag. Munder. You got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag Monday. Hello and welcome to the J Train podcast. This is J Train Jared Freed coming live from Los Angeles, California. That's right. Right. Every Monday is a m. Oh, I just hiccuped in the middle of my intro. We'll do it live. We will keep it going. Every Monday is a mailbag Monday. That's right. Where you, the listener, email me the podcaster and comedian with your advice questions. We will take any questions you have. That can be dating and relationships as people have been known to send. I like family stuff. I love friend drama, event drama, weddings, birthdays, all those things. Group dinners. Anything that's like on your mind and you want to hear someone give a thoughtful, reasonable opinion on and you know that's hard to come by these days. You're like, jared, why you? Well, I've been doing this for over a decade. I've been taking emails and giving advice for a long time. And I don't know you. I don't know you. I only know by the words you write to me, which tell me a lot. The way you write the email, I look into that. That gives me that. Yeah, I'm judging based on what you give me, not the other stuff. Not what I've heard about you, not what I've. Oh, I remember from college. That's why you don't go to friends for advice. You are judging them while asking them for their advice. It's crazy. I know it's crazy. So if you have a question, we always need emails. Jtrain podcast, gmail.com. it's jtrain podcastmail.com if you're listening today. How do I support the show? If you're wondering, I love this podcast. I want to support it. We have a sponsor. We have one sponsor today. Go use their promo code that helps the show. If that sponsor doesn't speak to you, the patreon patreon.com Jared Freed. We are doing every Friday is coffee with J Train this week. You'll hear about my time on the Golden Bachelor and you'll get a full, you know, run through a behind the scenes bts. Among other things, me being in la, why I'm here, I'm doing some shows here. I had some, some business to attend to. You know, your boy J Train had to go to the quiet car and do some business. Had to write on his notepads. That was a pretty stupid imagery. I, I Don't know, I just think of the quiet card is where you do business on a train. All right, so. Oh, also I'm doing shows. Richmond, Virginia, that's coming up. DC Would love to see you in dc. That's a big theater. Minneapolis, Milwaukee, Chicago, Fort Lauderdale, Miami. All very excited to do these shows. San Diego, Orlando. So go to my website, jared free.com that's jared free.com for the tickets. Now let's get into the emails. I have, I think I got two here. And as you know, if you, if you're a first time listener, I do three E or I do two emails and we do, we're going to do email, ad email and I go through them as you are hearing them. So I don't get ahead. I like to read them with you. So let's get into it. Jared Feather. Feather. I'm a 33 year old single woman in Manhattan. Love it. You're Carrie Bradshaw. You're killing it. Trying to meet a man, trying to meet men in the wild. This is one of those things that I think we need to be easier on ourselves about. There is this, it's hard, it's difficult because people want to meet people in real life. They want to be accepted, excited, they want to feel like, you know, they didn't need the apps. And because the apps are a crutch, they were invented as a crutch. Now the crutch has become so normalized that it, it's actually kind of hindered us. And I say us, I say me, me, me. I am admitting to that, that when you've gotten used to how it goes on the apps, you are a little bit less prepared for how it's going to go in person. Also. And I say, I think the biggest problem with the apps and what it's done to our brains, it has made us believe that or made us feel. We are used to meeting 30 people in a week, 10 people in a week, one person a day. You're used to the dopamine of a match happening every time you open that app. And that's not gonna happen. When you go out to meet someone in real life, you're gonna meet way less people. You're gonna go out wanting to meet someone and meet nobody. That never happens on an app. So every time you go out, if you're looking at it that way, it could feel like a failure. And I am here to tell you, you're being too hard on yourself. If you go out with your friends and it doesn't result in you Getting a number of some guy or some girl that might be the one. That, that is not a failure. That is a normal night out that you had with your friends and that's worth your time and effort. So I think sometimes I don't think you do this in the moment. I don't do this in the moment. I don't go out and go, oh, no, you know, I'm not Cinderella. The clock is about to strike, strike straight midnight, you know, all the women will be gone. Like, I don't think like that. I think when you get into thinking about it after, oh, I went out this week and I didn't meet anybody, I, I thought I, you know, I did try. Then you go on the apps, you kind of have that other thing. Oh, the apps. I, you know, I, I, I meet people, I find people. I think that is like, you know, it's those, those app meetings are false. They're the mirages. They're, they're not real. So I, so here's the thing. So this is me going on and on about just to like, say to you, like, you're doing okay. Meeting someone in the wild is hard. Okay. The pro. So I'm a 33 year old single woman in Manhattan trying to meet men in the problem. Most of my time is spent in female centric spaces. So I canceled my Pilates studio membership and joined a regular gym, thinking it would help me organically interact with single guys. Huh. I get what you're, what you're saying. I, I, I think I disagree with the premise. And you know, it's, it's like, you know, I'm trying to learn how to play golf. And my dad once said to me, he's like, with golf, you got to kind of do the opposite of what you would think you have to do. And I think blaming your singleness on being in female centric places, I disagree with the premise. I get what you're saying. That's like the straight line to the problem. Hey, I want to meet men. All the places I go to have only women. That's why I'm not meeting men. I don't think that's the case. But I mean, we'll go on. But here's the catch. I have no idea how to strike up a conversation in the middle of the weight room. I barely even know how to use the machines. Do I compliment his deadlift form? Ask what he benches. All of it makes me cringe. How exactly does one flirt at the gym already missing her Pilates? Reformer? Aspiring hiring Jim Siren I, I, I love this email. I love this email because it's on the topic of I'm trying help me try better. And I think that's a positive way to look at the world. This person is being active in their life. They're trying to meet people. Here's my feedback. I think this is a way bigger mount. You've created a bigger mountain for yourself while thinking you've created a smaller one. You're like, wow, I'll go to the gym where the men are, and I'll go, men. But you're a less happy person. You already wrote to me. I'm already missing my Pilates reformer. So you're doing a workout that you don't like and don't know how to do in order to meet men in a space that you would never go to in the first place if there weren't men there. I think you're running away from your interests. You're running away from your people. And I think you need the, the tribe. I think you need the community. I think that's what helps you find your person. I think digging into the things you like and love and finding people who also like and love those things are the ones who will be the Sherpa that hold your hand towards the person that you're meant to be with. I think you've gone to a foreign land to meet a foreign person that isn't really someone that you're less likely to connect with. So I could sit here and be like, okay, go up to the guy. Like an easy. The answer to your question is, hey, go up to a guy in the gym. Because every guy wants to talk to a woman who approaches him and say, hey, what are you working on today? Fine. Hey, I like your shoes. That could work. Hey, where did you get those sneakers? I love them. I don't know if they have them in a women's. But that could be. I really like the ones you have. That could be things you could say. I don't think that's the advice that helps you. I think what helps you. I want to go on a date with someone. Here's, here's my feedback to you. I don't want to go on a date with someone who is alone at the gym, not really happy, and not doing a workout they like. I would much rather go to go on a date with. And this is feedback from a man who's single and out there. I would much rather go on a date with someone who has a full group of friends that they've made through their gym, doing Pilates and is really happy with that part of their life. Loves going to Pilates, loves the group they've met. They go out for drinks after Pilates. That's my advice. Dig in deeper to the Pilates studio. Make friends with people there where you have things in common, you know how to speak to them, you speak the same language. And then let's do a Pilates night. Gno. Girls night out. P and O, Pilates night out. Hey, I want all of us to get together. And now you get the moment at that girls night out where you get the mic. Here you go. You take the mic and you say, I'm single. I'm ready to mingle. Keep me in mind. And now your fun girl from their Pilates class who their husband's friends need to meet. And again, that's a longer process. That's the one that doesn't really feel like you have control over. Cause you don't. But that's the one that's going to have more fruitful results, in my opinion. So get out of this gym. Get out of. You stop hanging out at, you know, Muscle beach with the guys in stringer tank tops who you have no idea how to speak to them. And you're kind of unhappy that you're not at the gym you want to be at. Be at the gym you want to be at. I would even do more classes that I like. Create a community. Those people. Now you guys go out together, you got a crew. Maybe you meet single women at the Pilates class. Maybe you meet married women who have husbands who are your best option for meeting new men. So if they like their husband and they like their husband's friend, oh, my God. Wow. And they will know. And again, this will feel like a failure because you're going to get less. You're not going to get as much as the dating apps. You're not going to see as many men at your Pilates class. But it's going to be, I think, more fruitful. That's the word I'm going to use. Jtrain podcastmail.com Jtrain podcastmail.com We are sponsored, people. Fall always feels like a reset. It does for me. I think, you know, January 1st, that's not the new year for me. The Monday after Labor Day weekend is the new year, is the time that I go. I want to be a little healthier. I want to be on a. I want to be on a schedule, on a regimen. And that's where factor is going to help. So why not reset your mealtime routine. Factor makes it easy to get the nutrition you need even on your busiest days. 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This fall they're even bringing you a wider selection of weekly meal options including premium seafood like salmon and shrimp at no extra cost. 97% of customers say that factor helped them live a healthier lifestyle. I, I can't. I, I understand that factor can help you too. Eat smart at factor meals.com/jtrain50off and use code jtrain50OFF to get 50% off first box plus free shipping free breakfast. Let me repeat that. To get 50% off your first box plus free breakfast for one year. That's code Jtrain50off@Factor Meals.com for 50 off your first box plus free breakfast for one year. That's amazing. Get delicious ready to eat meals delivered with Factor offer only valid for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewing subscription purchase. Okay, we got one more email, two emails today. Again, send yours jtrain podcastmail.com we love all types of advice questions. Jared. Love the pod. Big fan benefit subscriber. Feather Feather. Thank you. So here's the deal. My boyfriend and I are both 25. Been together since 19, living together since 23. We got a dog this past May and now I'm worried the dog has revealed he might fail the dad test. I mean, you guys are moving fast. I mean I'm, I'm, I appreciate that you wrote to me, but you're writing to a 40 year old man who's never been married, no kids, and you're like, we're 25 and we're living together like you are more of an adult than me. By the size of this and you got a dog. And listen, failed the dad test. Wait, that sends a little bit of a shiver down my spine. But we're going to read what the. What, what the predicament is and what he's doing. But let's, let's take a look. But I would say that that seems drastic to me. But like, when you say you moved in at 25 and now the dog, I don't, I don't know if I'm having tests like that after moving in and being that deep in a relationship. So, like, that's my first thought. And again, I've done that version of moving in and doing relationships. I'm trying to stop doing that. So, like, this isn't like me saying, you're immature. Because I do think, you know, there's two ways to go through a relationship. There's one where you're like, everything's great. I'm skipping through each, you know, phase. And because, you know, there's no because that I do this and I am one who has done in the past, I'm trying to be better at this, where I'm like, well, that makes sense. And then I move on to the next thing and we'll see how the next thing goes. And I don't know if I want that. So the other night I was doing my bedtime. The other night I was doing my bedtime routine, bathroom meds, water, the whole pre sleep gauntlet. And when I came back, my dog was sprawled across my spot. Cute, funny. Fine. I move her, she hops right back in. Still cute. But meanwhile, my boyfriend is lying in bed shaped like a literal banana, taking up half the mattress. I ask if he can straighten out so I can, you know, actually get into bed. His response, don't worry, she'll move soon. Like, excuse me. The dog gets more empathy than I do. I mean, I'm gonna, like, give you some feedback right now. This feels like it's not about the dog. That's my initial. Like, I get like, to. I don't know how we get to him being a bad father. Like, like, that's, that's where I'm at. Because I'm like, listen, I'm not in this. I'm not. So I, I'm just trying to, like, if someone said to me, like, the dog wouldn't move out of my spot in bed, my boyfriend didn't really, like, help me to get it out, I wouldn't be like, well, that's a bad dad. That guy's not gonna be Able to care for a baby like, I. I. So. But we're only a part of the way through this email. When I push again, he hits me with, well, what? That is just how I naturally lay. So now he's sitting in a way you don't like, and he's not really moving to make room for you. The dog is in your space. I would also assume you're tired. I'm not trying to take his side. I'm just saying. And now I'm worried the dog has revealed he might fail the dad test. We've taken a jump. Don't worry. She'll move soon. Like, excuse me. The dog gets more empathy than I do. And okay. Then when I push again, he hits me with what? This is just how I naturally lay. Like, it would physically break him to just his posture for one second so his girlfriend of six years can get under the covers. And it's not just this. I kind of felt this coming. This. This can't be the fight. He'll feed the dog and completely ignore. He'll feed the dog and completely ignore that her water bowl is bone dry and sitting right next to the food. I'm like, do I need to start worrying that if he can't handle dog101, he's gonna handle dad101? Signed, sharing a bed with man's best friend, and it ain't me. Hmm. Okay, I'm taking a pause right now because I. These seem like trivial dog things that you figure out. Like, he didn't fill the. The water bowl, but he filled the dog food bowl. I don't think that is him showing. I don't know if I could marry him. He's not gonna be a good dad. I think you're right. Now, to me, none of this has to do with the dog. None of this. I think you've come to me with, like, trivial sitcom, tropey, relationship nuisances, and those are all something you're entitled to have. You know, husbands and wives and boyfriends and girlfriends get annoyed with each other. You're living in a closed space. There is. You're annoyed. That's okay. You're. You're ready for bed. He's doing nothing to help you. This is all. But this is all, like, small and my issue and something I'm kind of coming back at you with because. And I'm not gonna go, like, if he wrote the email, my answer would be different. I'd be talking to him. I'm talking to you when you say, and what you're Doing when the like. Excuse me, the dog gets more empathy than I do about laying in the bed. You've now taken, hey, move the fuck over to. You have no empathy. And again, this is kind of how people argue these days. And I think we were trained by the worst possible, you know, Mr. Miyagi, which is like the Internet commenters. What they do is they go straight to a morality play. And I talk about morality a lot here because I do think this is a trend where we take it from. He won't move over in the bed to look at. He gives more empathy to the dogs than me. And he can't argue that because you've used a big word and made this into more than just a, you know, lazy boyfriend who won't move over, which it could be. But when you go straight to that, that is an argument you're trying to win, not a negotiation you're trying to have. That's my opinion. Because you do it a couple times. This is how I lay. Like, it would physically break him to a justice posture for one second. So his girlfriend of six years, again, girlfriend of six years, you're saying, look at. We've been. You can't move for it. Well, he should move for a girlfriend of six months that has nothing. You guys being together six years has nothing to do with what, you know, how you guys negotiate the bed. So again, this is something you're doing. He'll feed the dog and completely ignore her. Water bowl is bone dry and sitting right next to the food. I'm like, do I need to start worrying that if he can't handle dog101, how's he gonna handle dad101 again? And I know you're doing this for the effect of the email, but, like, this is the third time that you're taking something like not filling the bowl and turning it into a. Well, can he even handle a child? You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where did that come from? I believe based on this email, you're on the. You're getting cold feet in the relationship. I think you are. And again, these are all small, trivial things to me that don't seem to be, you know, is he a good dad? Level arguments. They could be. When you look back. When you look back on the relationship and it doesn't work out well, he wouldn't have been a good dad, because look at 7, 8, 9, what he did. Or it could be when you do get married and he's a bad dad and you go, I should have known. He never filled the water bowl. This is my fault. Like you're trying to get ahead of, of disappointment, which I don't think you can really do. But I think this is all you being nervous that you're on the doorstep of this being real. Like you know, 19. You guys get together in college, we're having fun, we're a college boyfriend, girlfriend. Then you get out. Ah, we, you know, we moved to the same town. You move in at 23 as you said. Now we're just moving in. We'll see what happens next. Now it's 25, two years in engagements coming. You know it, he knows it, we all know it. Now you're starting to go, you're starting to deal with, oh my God, am I going to be able to handle this engagement? Is this the person is this it you're dealing with? Is this all it is? This is my life. You and you're sitting in it. So, you know, you're asking a 40 year old man who's single and never married, no kids, what you should do now. Well, I have bailed in this scenario, so I'm not proud of that. I also don't think that's the answer here. But I do think you have a choice where you can either and this is a choice I made that would I do it differently. I don't know. I'm here right now. I'm sitting in a beautiful hotel living my dream. So I don't know if I did right or wrong, but when you make the water bowl being bone dry into he might not be a good dad. You're trying to find very solid reasons to not be with him that he has no say on. So that to me is you looking for you. To me it sounds like you're building a case and you'd be like, well, Jared, you're making this into more than it is. Well then why are you making things these? You know when you say that he might be a bad dad, that is to me, you building a case for a legitimate reason. To dump someone who's a good guy or not go to the next step with someone who's a pretty good, who's a good person. And my advice to you is to slow it down, make it less about morality. Go talk with him, let him know the little things are starting to annoy you. You guys are living together now, two years. Hey, there's a couple things that really annoy me. I felt, I, I, I keep it in I terms. I felt that you put the dog's needs up ahead of mine. When I got into bed the other night, what the fuck you didn't feel the. Have it out, write it down. I got a list, I got a list of things we're two years in time for a review. He might come back you with a list of his own. And now you're negotiating? Yeah. I don't fill the water bowl because of this. You're going to call me a bad dad because of that? I, I think you're. To me, that's you negotiating. If you're trying to win, then you're either gonna get no conversation from him and you're gonna have someone that you dominate in a relationship and it's not gonna really be a partnership and they're gonna, you know, not be happy and not really enjoy that. I wouldn't. And, or you're gonna end it with them based off of a case you built and you might find that it wasn't worth ending. Or maybe you don't wanna be with this person. You're just looking for a, you know, people to agree with you. So this is my feedback, you know, so I'm not going to say that someone's a bad going to be a bad dad because they didn't fill the water bowl. My dad wouldn't have filled the water bowl. I. Was he a bad dad? I don't think so. I mean, I'll tell you a story. I remember being with my dad. Like, I remember I was like 23, 24, I was home for the holidays. My family belonged to a country club. And we were having a soda after playing golf. This is before I even started trying to play golf. And it was my dad and I and my brother and we looked up and there was a sign on the wall that it said club champion and had his name and a friend's name. It was like a, you know, partners champion. So whatever their names were on the wall. And it was like June 1989. And I was, and I looked at him, I go, 1989. You know, June 1989. I was like, didn't you like I was four. My brother was born January 1989. I was like, you got a four year old and a one year old at the house and a month old or 3,6 month old at the house. And you were out playing golf. And he was like, yeah, we like, you know, we had help. I'm like, what? He's like, yeah, we, I don't know, I was playing golf, whatever. And it's like, I, I, someone could, you know, if you put that in different terms. And we all laughed about it, like, you know, because he's sitting there with his two sons, it worked out. So everyone has their own way of going about these things, and it's all about the personalities. But like, anyone could tell that story and be like, and, and be like, yeah, he's out golfing while his six month old is at home with his wife, you know, crying. I don't know. We're all still here. We're all still together, one family. You know, I don't know. I'm 40, never married, no kids. Maybe that has to do with it. I don't know. Maybe that made him a bad dad. I don't know. I just don't think you can like, say, doesn't fill the water bowl, bad dad. I think that's about you, and I think you're unhappy and I think you're trying to make the other person despicable so that you can either break up with them or win the fight. And I think that's something you got to go over. That's it. Mailbag Monday. Keep sending your emails. Jtrain podcast, gmail.com. back next week. Boom.