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It's a mailbag. Munder, you got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag Monday. Hello and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is J Train Jared Freed coming to you live from Delray Beach, Florida. That's right, every Monday is a mailbag Monday, where you, the listener, email me the comedian with your advice questions. I we had taken a minute from taping. I was so far ahead because our producer, V, was on vacation and getting a much deserved break. So it's been a bit since I've kind of. And then I'm taping this the Tuesday before the Monday it comes out. I hope that doesn't confuse you, but saying it. Sometimes I say these things and I'm like, did that even the Tuesday before the Monday. That should make sense. Okay, I, I so I just want to thank everyone who's been listening. I want to thank you for coming to the shows. I was just in Denver. It was a dream weekend. It was perfect. I worked on new material. The audience was fun. Everything was perfect. So if you came to Denver or you came to any show before that, Spokane was fun and all these towns are fun. You know, the shows become more and more fun because the set keeps getting better. So it allows me to kind of loosen up and all those good things. So I want you to come to a show. I'm in Providence, Rhode island, this weekend and two of them already are sold out, which is like, that takes away a lot of stress. I, I, if you're sitting here, like, if you're, you know, if you're wondering how you can help when I come to your town, let's get those tickets as soon as possible. If you plan on coming. If not, that's fine too. I'm not sitting here trying to, you know, I like that you listen to the podcast also. If you're not coming, I don't need, like, hey, I can't make it. I don't need to hear that either. We're not, you know, I'm not, you know, getting, you know, I'm not going with you and getting a sinner and getting let down by you. I'm just saying if you're gonna come get those tickets, because it's just, I don't want to sit here and beg people. I don't want to. So on that subject, I'm coming to Providence this weekend. If you're in Boston, that show is sold out. We're going to add another Boston show. So I don't want you like coming from Boston because you're like, I want to go to the show. I'm not going to make it in B. There'll be more shows added if you want to see kind of how a set evolves. You will see that if you come to Providence this weekend. But Connecticut, Providence, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont, I don't know, the New England area. I'm coming to Providence. I'm so excited. Then Winnipeg, never been. So I'm excited to see a new place. Kansas City, Richmond, D.C. that's the first theater. And then Milwaukee. And we have a lot more dates. But let me just pinpoint these two. Fort Lauderdale has been added and so has Tampa. So I'll be getting around Florida, as they say. And my last announcement. Well, what three announcements? Email the podcast if you have a question. I love your questions. Again, the way this works. Mailbag Monday I have two emails in front of me. I've never read them before. I'm going to give you my thoughts, I'm going to give you my feelings. I'm going to do with love. And I'm trying to make it, you know, I'll be as, I'll try and be as fun as possible no matter where your question goes. And hopefully we get to see that we're all not that different in a world that tells us that we're all at odds and fighting. I think we're pretty much within 10% of one another. And, you know, so send your emails j train podcast gmail.com and you can DM us if that's easier for you because you're on Instagram 7,000 times a day at J train podcast DM and we're putting clips there. So if you could share clips and you want to thank you. Thank you. Would love that. And the other announcement is the Patreon. Every Friday I do coffee with J Train. That gets. And you can comment there with your ticked off Tuesdays. That gets you first dibs on TikTok Tuesday. I've been doing the Patreon. Coffee with J Train Podcast is like my favorite one to tape. It is like my weekly diary and I would love for you to check it out. I, I talked about the Netflix special, leaving Netflix. I talked about getting ghosted. I've talked about. It's all personal stuff. So and it's, it's, it, it gives me angst. It gives me an anxiety, so to speak. But it also makes me feel good. It's like a massage. Ooh, it's like one of those, you know, so. And then that's it. Oh, YouTube. YouTube, YouTube. I would love for you to subscribe on YouTube. Every Saturday night, I'm putting up clips, like, big clips, 20 minutes from Alabama. You can see me struggle. That's fine. I think that's fun. You can see kind of, you know, it's tough for me to watch. I, I look at those and I go, I could have gone this direction. I could have gone that direction. I could have slowed down. You know, all those things. It's a game tape, so YouTube. Jared Freed on YouTube. As I sit my Pellegrino, I worked out 7am workout class. And you do start to understand why people talk about working out in the morning so much. Because you're like, oh, you need to do this. Like it is. And again, you don't need to. Waking up early is a luxury. I, I, I, I know the waking up early thing. If you get up early, that is a form of luxury. I do think. I, I think that gets underrated. Everyone's like, oh, you sleeping in? It's like, well, some people have to sleep in. All right, now this is for another podcast. J train podcast. Gmail.com. we have two emails. I have one advertisement. Remember, all the ads are in the description of the episode. So if you're looking for a promo code, that's the first place to look. All right, Jared, I've listened for many years. You're the best. So I'm here for some advice. I met up with some friends that were visiting, and they invited other local friends to join. One guy was cute. We ended up talking the rest of the night. We went to another bar, just us. Then I went back to his place since it was next door. We kissed but didn't hook up. I would call kissing hooking up. But I do understand that for some people, that is different. Like, I mean, the fact that you wrote it means that we don't have to go into that. I guess we kissed and didn't hook up. So I get what you. And now I know your definition. Like what? We kissed. Okay, what if I guess, would getting naked, no sex be a hookup? We should have a card like they do in blackjack, where it tells you, like, you know, all the different hookup combinations and whether it's a hookup or just hanging out, I had a great time. And he seemed interested. Asking a lot of questions, acting like a gentleman. Well, let me, you know, I, I do this sentence by sentence. Haven't read this yet. Don't know where this is going. Acting like a gentleman. I Understand that there's some people that don't act like a gentleman. But the idea that acting like a gentleman means they like you, I think that's, I don't think that's a great bar to create. I think that's going to set you up for failure. I think being a gentleman is just. Should be the, the, the. And I'm not saying was to be a hero. I'm not saying this in my, you know, you know, the future is female T shirt. Like I just think I'm talking more from a selfish point of view because I open doors or I like to think I do. I am polite. I try to be classy. I try to do the right thing for people. I don't want to fuck and don't want to marry and don't want to date. So I think this idea that the correlation between gentlemen and does he want to date me? Is, is really a false premise and will lead you towards emotional disaster. That's a little strong, but it will lead you towards disappointment for sure. Okay. However, he was three months out of a four year relationship. Important, not important. Both are true. Listen, depending on the age, three months out of a four year relationship. 22. Very different than three months out of a four year Relationship. 42. And I, I do think that is very important. I don't know. Oh, we're both 30. Okay. We get to there they live together. For context, we're both 34. His friends were telling him to get on the apps. Of course they are. That's what guys do. Get on the apps, man, the world is yours. As he eats a salami sandwich with his stomach hanging out like, you know, it's. This is the. Another false premise of, you know, 34, four years relationship, three months out matters and doesn't matter. Of course he wants to be single. Of course he's going to think, well, I gotta use this. And I've thought that I was out of a relationship at 35 or 6 or whatever and I definitely had that. I gotta do it right this time. I gotta take advantage of my time. I gotta make sure that I'm single. And a lot of that's peer pressure. And if the friends are telling them, then this person's experienced that too. The peer pressure of am I doing this in a way that everyone else would consider? Like not. Because again, that makes it sound like I'm worried about what my friends think every minute of every day, which I'm not. But I do think there's a thing with a single guy where you're like, or single people where you're like, I, I'm out of this thing. Everyone around me is complaining about being in a relationship and you know, you gotta, you have responsibilities and they like the relationships, but they, they, they envy you in a little bit. A little bit. And it's, you know, you envy them. But, and, and they're, you know, and they're kind of like in their life and how their, their lifestyle. Russell, they envy you because you're, you know, allowed to kind of do whatever you want. You don't have to answer anyone, but again, to come back to this matters and it doesn't matter. You see this all the time where you break up, you meet someone, you go, oh my God, this was it. This was. I'm ready. I know, I know what I don't want. At 34, you're closer to knowing what you want, not wanting you. Should. You would, you would think should is bad word for me. I wouldn't. You know, because Jared, you know, speaking to myself, I should. But I would say everything you're bringing up matters. Doesn't matter. Like the gentleman that matters, nice guy. Doesn't matter. Doesn't mean he likes you. He's 34, three months out of a four year relationship. That matters. He wants to, you know, sew his oats. Doesn't matter if you're the right connection. So we texted throughout the week and I reached out a couple times where we'd again text for at least a few days. He also referenced a future hangout. Okay, you're in, you're in. You're in helicopter land. He's hovering above. I felt like there was a lot of chemistry. I'm sure there was, but he hasn't asked me out, which makes me think he's not interested. Well, again, this is, this email could be called true, not true because they're both, you know, he's interested but not in a rush. That's the difference. Do you think if he wanted to, he would? No, I think you have to. I mean, again, your perspective is flawed. He wanted to, he would. Is the qu. Is the. Is the rally call of he was a gentleman, so he must like me again, to me those are. The two live in the same phylum. Is it possible he needs more time post breakup before he wanted to hang? I think it's possible that he needs more time post breakup to know how to navigate and communicate. Hey, we're just hanging out. We're not in a relationship. I think when you're in a four year Relationship. You kind of, you know, the. The concern is that you just fall into relationship again because that's what's comfy, cozy, and you again, like, act like a gentleman. This kind of relates to that. You say he acts like a gentleman. Yeah. And again, like, I don't think that should be. That should be a given. But it's also, he's probably acting like a boyfriend is why you're noticing it, because he's used to being a boyfriend. I'm not saying that like two years later he's like being a dick to women. I'm just saying he might be doing boyfriend like things, and that's how he shows love and affection and interest. And you're like, wow, this is like different than every other guy who's just like, you're cool. So I get that. At this point, it's almost six months since the breakup. Should I reach out again? Even though I've been the one who initiate the conversation each time, it's rare that I find someone I'm interested in. What do you think? Let it go. Thanks for your thoughts. Let me just say I think you have to be care. You said you. You've been listening for many years. There's so many things here that I would push back against. The well, he's a gentleman, so maybe he likes me. The it's rare that I find someone uninterested. You can't talk this guy up. You hung out once, you had a good time, you'd like to keep getting to know each other. And here's the thing. If I'm to, like, play out his side of things, if I had someone who's saying that's rare, that someone, you know, you know, if I'm post breakup, concerned with getting too serious too soon with someone where then I'm six months out of a breakup and I'm breaking up with someone again, you. That's the fear. It's a f. It's not a. It's not a real fear. Like, you'll be fine. But that's what his fear, I would understand be. Might be. It would be my fear if I was out with someone. We're having a great time, they come back to my place, we've kissed, they tell me it's rare, you know, tell me or give me the hint. That. And again, in the same way, it's not fair to take his gentleman, him acting like a gentleman, and turn that into he likes me. It's also not fair to put on you that, oh, she kissed me and she said, that it's so rare that I connect with someone and think that you need to be in a serious relationship as quick as possible. That's not fair as well, you know. So I could take that feedback if someone were to give it. But I would say it's the rare thing. You're talking this person up. And now it's, you met four. He's. You met when he's four months out. Now it's two months later. So where are we? We are. Think this guy is cool? Writing into a podcast about him. That's what it is. You gotta. You gotta remember that. Let's look in the mirror for a second. I think he's cool. He. He. My friends all like him. I'm writing into a podcast because he's on my mind. No more, no less. I'm asking a chubby idiot in his kitchen in Delray Beach, Florida, what he thinks. So here's my advice and here's your issue. You are plentiful to him every time he texts you. As you said, we text throughout the week, and I reach out. I reach out a couple times where we'd again text for at least a few. Few days. Your resources are plentiful. Anytime he's a little bored and a little lonely, you're someone who he can text, who he knows likes him enough to kiss him. So let's have a little chitchat and I can refill my lonely tank a little bit. That's where. That's. That's what you're serving right now. How do you stop being his. His heart charger? You got to make yourself scarce. You can't just be a charger for him anymore. So here's how you make yourself scarce. You let him know what you want. You give him a couple days to do that. If he doesn't to top. So, and this is advice again. I give this all the time. Diet and exercise. It's not. It's not easy advice to take. It's also not very viral. Hey, I really had a good time getting to know you that night a couple months ago. It's been on my mind. I'd love to go get drinks so that we can get to know. To get. Get to know each other a little bit more. I'm free next Tuesday or Thursday, but if we can't do drinks, I can't keep up this texting because I'm actually looking for something serious right now. Now, boom, there it is. Now you've let him know what you want, which is drinks to get to know him. Better. No more, no less. The days of the week. You can do it. So now all he has to do is make the that drink happen. And, and, and then you've told them what you're looking for. A serious relationship and how. And the boundaries. Shoe, shoe fly. If you're not going to make those things happen because I got to end this thing. I got to put a bow on this. And now you're scarce. Now he knows. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Time is up. Now this, this takes a. This is a little bit of responsibility on you. Once you do this, you have to keep by those boundaries. You too. If he texts six months later and said then he has to have a really good reason. I've been thinking about it. Oh my God. But this lets you put an end to it and it lets you get turned off. Not if he wanted to, he would. It's if I ain't wet. He don't get that's what that turns into. Because now he texts you back. Oh, Tuesday. Let's say he texts back, Tuesday is good. And doesn't make a plan. Now you're getting to know him. I'd be a little turned off. Hey, I just told you everything to do. Did you not understand? Tuesday is good. What do you want to do? Now you're getting to know him? Maybe you don't like them as much as you thought you did. You know, Thursday works. How about, you know, drinks at Main street at 5? At 9? Wow. Okay. Now he's stepped up. Jtrain podcast gmail.com. jtrain podcast@gmail.com. keep sending your emails. I got one more to go. We do have a sponsor. If bad hair day is turning into a bad hair decade, it's time for Neutrophil. You got to try it. Neutrophil is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand trusted by over one and a half million people. 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For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering J train fans $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping. When you go to neutrophil.com enter the promo code Feather. Find out why Neutral is the bestselling hair growth supplement brand@nutral.com spelled n u t r a f o l.com promo code feather neutrophil.com promo code feather Again, all ads and promos are in the description of the episode. Jared, huge fan of yours. Benefit subscriber. Thank you. Love all your content. Can't wait to see your new show in Boston this winter. Thank you. I have a question on how to shoot my shot. New Parent Friends Edition okay. My husband and I have lived in a suburban neighborhood in Portland, Maine for about two years now. I love Portland, Maine. I'm sure that neighborhood is smells good Portland, Maine. The smell of Maine. Just just pine and cedar and it's like a better breath of air. We have met some neighbors from Walking the Dog regularly and have become friendly with a few, but nothing more than a quick chat or wave. We have a six month old baby and there are a few other couples in the neighborhood that also have babies within the past year. We were pretty social, would be open to making some new friends which has been hard to do in our 30s. I mean this is so simple. I I appreciate you writing in and I'm saying it simple from my end and I'm probably takes a lot of courage and stuff like to meet parents and that's tough. I my question is how would you shoot your shot Here? Here's my first piece of advice. Let's cut. Let's stop calling approaching other couples in your neighborhood to become friends. Shooting your shot. I think that is going to make it weird awkward. The one thing I've learned from going on the road and going to some of these towns where it's very suburban and coupley and we got married and two kids and we got to get the sitter and all this stuff that has nothing to do with my life currently. The swinger thing is in the atmosphere and I don't think any of them are swinging. I think it's just a fun joke People do. And it's like, they're like saying like, it's like, oh, you know, what are we, swingers? I wouldn't. But would you? Maybe I would. Okay, maybe you would. Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding. It's this weird, like, I don't think any. And then they always accuse someone else of being the swinger or they're doing something weird. And I don't know, everyone seems to claim that swinging is going on in their neighborhood, but no one's the swinger. So to me it feels a little bit like all of this other stuff that goes on in the news, which is a lot of boogeymen that don't really exist that make people feel like they're saying something interesting and smart when it isn't. But when you say, how would I shoot my shot? And I know you guys are in your 30s, you're young, you don't want to talk like old or you don't want to sound like a nerd. You know, you don't want to. How do we make friends? We have nobody. We're loser. You don't want to sound like that. But I think let's get rid of shooting our shot for non hookup things. Especially considering what I just said about the swinging. Like, I think people are like, their ears perk up and there's always like. And they. And, and there's their ears perk up and it's like, from people that are like, they're wanting to do it, but they're just joking about it and the joke is kind of feeling them out. And I don't want you getting down that road again unless you're looking to go down that road. But I don't. It doesn't. It sounds like you have a six month old baby and you're looking to make friends in your neighborhood. So. But I just want to address when you say shooting your shot, I can only think of hooking up and dating and not suburban Maine couple in their Patagonia vests walking over to another, you know, house in the suburbs and going, hey, we should go get dinner sometime. I would say we could mention something next time we see them walking the dog. But months could go by before, before we run into them on a walk. I had a thought that we could make some sort of baked goods and put a note in their mailbox saying something about how we're both in similar phases of life. Don't do that. No, I don't want to hear everyone's a special snowflake. Nobody Wants to hear, hey, we're the exact same. Want to come over and be boring together? No, I don't like that. I do like the baked goods idea. If they ever need help or want to hang out, here's our number. Well, this is the thing. Like, now you're putting your problem in their hands. Hey, so here's my number in case you want to hang out with the big dog. Yeah, I don't think that's a way to go either. I like where you're. I like your spirit. I like your gumption. I like where your head's at. I think there's better solutions. So I've come to you for your opinion. Is there a not awkward or embarrassing way to shoot our shot here? Again, they've said it a couple times in this. They said it three times in this email, so that means they're saying it out in public. You got to stop with shoot your shot. I think that's, I think that's number one piece of advice. Thank you for your advice and all the laughs every week. I really appreciate your email. I think this is great. I love questions like this. If you have a question like this I love, you might think, like, I think people assume that I just, like, think everything suburban and couple and married and parents is nerd shit and horrible. This is the type of stuff that, like, gives me life. I, I, I, I've done the dating emails. I've done, I've done. What's it called? I've done. He was a gentleman. Does he like me? Here's my answer, and I think I have a great idea. It's the end of the summer. It's Portland, Maine. It's starting to get darker earlier, I think. Throw a barbecue, make it comfy. People in their 30s with kids want to be fun just like you. Again, like you're saying you want to be fun. You're looking for friends. You're looking for people to connect with. Feed them. Feed them and they will come. If you cook, they will come. You go with your idea. You go bake. You bake some cookies. Here's the plan. You bake some cookies and you package them. Nice. Sounds like you got some time to do some things because you just mentioned writing a note and baked goods. So you bake. You put a cookie in a, in a package with a, you know, a nicely written note. And don't say we're similar. Don't speak for other people. Hey, we just, we'd been here a couple years. We've waved to you in the neighborhood, we're going to have a barbecue and you make it three to five, plan it the way you would want a function plan for you having a six month old baby. I don't know when nap time is. I don't know how that all works. But there's a party where you would say oh thank God it is planned this way. That's how you need to plan the party. Don't try and be better than what you would want. So barbecue. If that means six month old, I don't know what it is. Again, I'm an idiot. I don't have that. I'm in a different life than you. But if someone said if I had a six month old who woke up at like 5am and then went to bed at 2pm and then someone was like we're having a party at 10am because are six month old, that's when they're awake and they're easiest to take care of. And I'm sure you and then your friends in the neighborhood who are in the as you said that are in the similar spots of life. I would plan it around your baby because that's planning it around their baby. So if it wakes up at 6 and goes to bed at 2 and you're exhausted at 2, you're having a 10am barbecue. And write that in your note again. I don't know, maybe, maybe 2:00pm is the time for you that's best with a baby. I don't know. So why the baked goods? Here's how you make it fun. You put the one cookie in the package and you better make a good fucking cookie. And part of your note is I don't want to go to a party with bad food. So to prove my worth, here's a cookie I baked. So the cookies like again you're, you're breadcrumbing. You're, you know, try my cookie. That's how good the food's going to be. I have an appreciation of food. That's yo, this was a, this is a, this is a freshly baked cookie to show you I'm pretty good at this putting together a party thing. Again, you got to be good at it. But I'm just saying. So end of the summer barbecue note with a cookie in a like a cellophane in like a packaging that looks nice. You planets so that considering people with babies, that's how you plan it. And maybe a theme, maybe it's, maybe it's, maybe it's. We bring the sphere. I got it. You're in your 30s this is okay, in your 30s, backstreet boys @ the Sphere has been all over people's Instagram. Hey, we're two. We're a couple with a six month old baby. And we've been wanting to go, you know, we've been wanting to see the Backstreet Boys of the Sphere. We're bringing the Sphere here to Portland, Maine. So it's a Backstreet Boys themed event. We'll have Backstreet Boys playing. We'll have some, you know, Backstreet Boys burgers. We'll have some Kevin Dogs, specialty cocktails, Cosmos. Play it up. Be fun. Plan an event. If you feed them, they will come. We're gonna have food, music, and we're gonna have the babies lying around in the grass while we look at them and get to know one another. That's it. Don't make your problem their problem. The here's my number. Call me. No, you want friends. You want to get to know them. They will be so happy that you did this. And walk over whatever. We're starting the. The grill gets hot at noon and it's off by four because we got naps to take. That's a fun letter that I would love receiving your. Your invitation has to show you get it and how low pressure this is. And we're sick of waving at you without knowing your name. I'm sick of having forgetting your name come over. We'll have name tags to make it less awkward. Name tags to make it less awkward. I would love that. I would love that. I'd be so appreciative so then I can act like, of course I didn't need your name tag. Kevin. Kevin, who walks the dog with the golden retriever. I mean, am I good at this or what? Providence. I'm in town this weekend. Two shows are sold out. Winnipeg. I don't know if anyone in Winnipeg listens or if you know anyone there, but I would love to not be depressed while there. So let them know. And then Tampa and for la been added back next week. Boom.