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It's a mailbag. Munder, you got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag. Monday. Hello, and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is J Train Jared, free to come to you live from Delray Beach, Florida. That's right, every Monday is a mail bag Monday, where you listener email me the comedian with your questions. You can send anything you'd like, whether it's family, love, friendship, anything you're going through, any hypotheticals, you can send them in J train podcast gmail.com. we do love a true story. Be vulnerable because honestly, no one's going to know it's you. Just. You're going to know it's you. You're the only one. And then maybe if you send it to friends after. Hey, they answered my email on this stupid podcast. It's not a stupid podcast. Let me give myself more credit than that. It's a. This is a pretty good one. I think it's good. This is a good daily fix. Something to get your day started with. Something to end your day with. Something to put you to bed. Let me be your lullaby. So share with a friend. I am on the road. I just got off of a huge weekend that involves storms and shows and travel. So thank you to everyone who came. I. I mean, I'm taping this before, so I'm hoping it all goes well. Uh, you'll hear all about it on Coffee with J Train. And if you're listening now, you'll hear my complaints tomorrow. I'll be complaining about all the people that get in touch with you when a storm's coming. It's like they come out of the woodwork. They have to make me as anxious as possible. Um, I'll also be telling a story on Coffee with J Train. You can sign up for the Patreon Coffee with J Train will have a story about this crazy dinner situation that I got into with my parents. So sign up for Patreon. Get that coffee with J Train. Otherwise, I have two. I got emails in front of me. Send your emails. Jtrain podcast gmail.com Also, I'm gonna be in Boston. I'm coming home this week, Friday night, and the mood is right. Going to have some fun, show you how it's done. Tgif. I'm coming to the Wilbur Theater. Come, come, come. I also added La Tempe, Salt Lake City, New York, Toronto, Vancouver. Go, Jared. Free dot com. Assemble that group chat. I have three emails in front of me. We need your emails to make this show go. I got two sponsors. We'll get right into it. Hi there. I'm a brand new listener. Ring the bell. We got a new listener. Ah, that's probably a bad sign when you're cheering for new list. I love a new listener. Really appreciate you that you take emails for advice, Papa jt. Well, thank you for emailing us. We love it. I love real scenarios. I'm currently in a situationship. We are not officially exclusive, but neither of us is seeing anyone else. Well, let's get out of the us game. The whole point of a situationship, it is you are playing singles tennis. So my first thing that I hear from your email again, why do people write to me? Because I'm going to be more honest than your friend Will because I don't have to make eye contact with you. I'd be less honest with you if you were sitting in the room with me. If I'm, if I'm to be honest, you looking at me going, I'm in a situationship. We're not, we're not officially exclusive, but neither of us is seeing anyone else. I, I would, I'd sit there, I go in my head, I'd go, they're in trouble. Well, I'm going to say it out loud to you. You're in trouble because right now you're speaking in us. You are an I, me. You. That's it. There is no us. That's the whole point of a situationship. The reason you get in a situationship is one person wants more than the other person and then the person who wanted more will settle for less until the other person hopefully catches up to them. So you are a U, I, me, singular. No, us. We've known each other for over four years and from the start I felt a strong connection. He's 15 years older than me, which is unusual given my dating history. He's semi retired from smart investments, doesn't have a nine to five drinks daily. Not excessively, but consistently. Okay. From that, that tells me you know it. So much is said about the light you put someone under. You're ah, he's a bit of a drinker, but he's had smart investments. You're giving him credit while also taking it away. You're giving. You're basically saying, yeah, he's got his faults, but this guy made some investments and he's really outside of my normal thing. That means our love is more. That means our feelings must be more because it's so not natural to my dating history. You're saying a lot of things, words or spells. I'm not buying it and I'm sorry to be harsh, but I'm the only one that is. I'm going to be the only one who's honest with you. I've appreciated how slowly things have moved. There's been no pressure to define the relationship with both challenges which both challenges and soothes my anxious and avoidant tendencies. That said, I worry about how different our lives are. I work full time and am trans. I work full time and am transitioning into a related field. While he has total flexibility to travel, stay up late, live without a schedule, I feel very compatible with him. He takes great care of me and the sex is great, but I'm unsure about committing given our different priorities and rhythms. I also think about the long term reality of a 15 year age gap and don't want to lead him on if that if it won't work. He's told me it takes him a long time to say I love you and that verbal expression is hard for him. Still, his actions speak loudly through quality time and acts of service Service. We've been in the situation since late June and started spending nearly every weekend together in mid September. I'd love your thoughts, especially on the age gap since I have a long history of dating older men, so you do have a history of dating older men. So I listen. You just want my thoughts on your situation, but you've been pretty vague. I Let me start by saying I'm not really sure what the issue is. What do you want? And I think you're avoiding that based on your email. You put a lot on him, but it sounds like you want the In a situationship, one person wants more than the other. The only reason you could be writing in is that you really like him. Now if the question is I really like him, but I'm not sure if he can handle, you know, being with me. No, no. That's you putting your anxieties, your fears in the way to block off a connection. That's you getting ahead of being dumped. In my opinion. You think that and I and I'd say he takes him a long time to say I love you and he spends a lot of time traveling and he's out late and I have a different schedule. Why are you writing to me? What is your problem? The age gap doesn't mean a thing. 15 years if he's 60 and you're 45, what does that matter? If he's into you, you'll make time. You spend the weekends together so what are you missing? You need to get out of the vague and into the tangibles. That's my advice to you. 15 year age gap means nothing. Now if you were 22 and he's 37, to me that's a, that's an age gap that I'd be like. That feels like someone taking advantage of someone being, you know, scared to be alone and scared to be on their own. And they're recently out of college and they're want to have to pay bills and they want to absolve themselves from like being involved in real life. Now if it's 40 and 25, I would say the same thing, right? Is that the. Yeah. If it's 30 and, and 45, not as big a problem. You have your own career, you have your nine to five, you go to work and he's got his own thing and you make time for each other. You've opened bills, you get how life works. You kind of know what you want. You've dated, you've been alone. Maybe these are all. Again, it's all about. So based on your email, you are. But I can tell I've been reading emails for so long that like you're avoiding such specifics that it makes me sound like you're afraid of being told the real answer. That's my advice to you. An earlier me wouldn't know what to do with this email. I know what to do because I've seen emails like this before. I've seen people speak like this before. You are avoiding all specifics. You know, 15 years, I don't even know how old he is or you are. He says takes him a long time to say I love you, drinks every night and likes to, you know, he has no schedule and stays up late and flexibility to travel. If I'm to go a step further, make assumptions, it sounds like he's living a life and kind of makes time for you when he's, when it's convenient for him and hasn't said I love you or made a commitment to you. So you're getting a little anxious about it and you're afraid if you say one thing, he'll cut bait. He'll say now find a new person. If you're afraid of that, then you're not in a relationship, you're not getting what you want. Then I would say it doesn't matter about the age gap. So that's, that's my view on your email to me. You found someone that you have fun with when you're together and you get anxious about when you're apart. To me, that's someone who doesn't want to be with you and you want to be with him more and you want to hear about a future and you want to see kind of what the plan is. And it's you operating as we and him operating as me. That's my assessment of of hey this guy. I see the sex is great and make and we have a really good time together and we have a good connection. But what's it, what's happening here? What's going on here? That's you looking to grow the relationship and you feel that he backs away when you try to do that. 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Neutrophil is offering J train fans $10 off your first month subscription plus free shipping at nutrafold.com promo code FE out why Neutropol is the best selling hair growth supplement brand@neutropol.com spelled n u t r a f o l.com promo code feather that's neutrophil.com promo code feather let's do another email. Jtrain podcast gmail.com jtrain podcast gmail.com Jared big fan. Started listening to you up around 2020-2020-2020-2021 have since gone through all the episodes plus J train thank you. I'm a 31 year old woman in the Midwest who recently ended a three year relationship with a 37 year old man. Overall the yeah, I got a little a little cottonmouth. Overall the relationship was good. He treated me well, prioritized me and was genuinely excited about things I cared about. The main issue was we argued about politics as our views are very different. It weighed on me more than I expected. That's interesting. There were two other issues. He has two kids from previous marriage, ages 7 and 9. I liked them and didn't spend. I liked them and didn't mind spending time with them, but I didn't love them. I've always been clear that I don't want kids and don't want to be a maternal figure. He said I wouldn't have to be, but I couldn't see how things could get more serious like moving in or marriage without that changing. The other issue was cleanliness. I mean, you have the spectrum of issues. I would stop at the kids thing and go, yeah, you don't need any other reasons. I think I don't want to be a maternal figure and I don't know how we go forward when you have two kids, 7 and 9. I would feel weird not, you know, falling in love with them and being a part of their lives while living with you. I think that's enough. To me, I'd go, yeah, this is probably. This situation isn't for you. The other issue was cleanliness. I'm not a. I'm a neat freak. And his house was messy, borderline dirty. I tried to help in even offer to gift him a cleaning service, but it never really happened. I worried that if we lived together, cleaning would fall mostly on me. Ideally, I'd like to be with someone without kids, but I know that might be unrealistic at my age and location. A friend of a friend reminded me that the there's always going to be something wrong in a relationship and that neither of us are politically active in our daily lives. You, you have spanned. You brought back the politic. I mean, it is funny the way this email is written. You start with we politically don't align. Okay? That's one good reason they have kids and I don't want to be a mother. I get it. That's a good reason, too. They're not really that cleanly. And I'm a neat freak. Okay, Those are all separately a good reason. Together we're kind of painting a picture. I don't mean to be harsh on you, but you're the one emailing me to have a friend that reminds you that there's always going to be something wrong in a relationship. It sounds like you need everything to be perfect or you're out and not to bring it back. And then they mention and not. And that neither of us are politically active in our daily lives. So you bring it back to the politics. And to me it sounds like a friend saying to you, like, listen, you know, you might not, it sounds like you might not be one to budge with your opinions. And it's hard for you to see people's side and things without vilifying. Like, I, I, I think it's tough in this day and age, especially considering all the stuff we, you know, take in, the news sources, the algorithms. And it's tough to say, well, if you believe this one thing that I disagree with, how could anything else you believe in match with me? So then they write. So I understand how that starts. But I, sometimes you can, like, it can ruin your life. Now I'm wondering if I made a mistake and let politics and practical issues outweigh a loving relationship with a good person. What do you think? I, I, listen, I'm gonna, this isn't, this is specific, but it's not specific enough. I don't know what the arguments are. And that's kind of the problem with like saying the politics was an issue. I don't know which, you know, there, there's some things for me that I would believe to be a deal breaker with a partner. There's other things where I can disagree politically with someone, but I can see how they got to where they are and they can see how I got to where I am. And we can kind of find love in the middle. But what I'm doing right now, based on your email seems to be your problem. When you say they have kids and I like them, I will never love them. You're living in a black and white world where there's like no give. I'm not saying breaking up was a mistake. I can't say that you made your decision to me, when I break up with someone, I really must have felt that we weren't a match for me to make that big a decision. It's hard to break up with someone. It's difficult. I give you a lot of credit. It's hard to leave comfortable for the unknown. That's what you've done. But let me go back to your email you if you say that I'm a neat freak and I could never love his kids, it feels like you won't budge. So, and then you go into politics where, you know, maybe picking up a certain opinion on something makes you feel that you're better than other people for having voted differently than you and found a way to the opinion that mattered to them. You know, politics is to me it's you put on a list the things you care about and you give weight to those things. And my list is different than your list. But I hope you can allow me to have my list without putting me in a position where you've forced me into being evil. Because with any, you can do that with anything. You use an iPhone. Did you hear they have child labor? How could you do that? Now you're evil for using an iPhone because it makes your life easier. It is so people, I think people do that with politics a lot. Hey, well, this, this side of the aisle helps my business, which helps my livelihood to be able to put food on the table. How you know, someone could look at that person and go, well, that side of the aisle is the reason that person over there that has nothing to do with your life suffers. And it's like, that's the hard part of, you know, the whole thing is like, if you put someone in that position, you go, you're being an asshole to them. So this is all to say not to, not to ramble. But I'm saying it seems that you live in a world of black and white with no give. Based on the email you wrote, if I read this in a vacuum, I'd go, okay. And it's especially true with the kids part. Take away politics and the kids part, where you're like, two kids were a previous marriage. I like them, didn't mind spending time with them, but I didn't love them. Like, I don't think you have to love them, but you have to also have the capacity to get there with them. You've kind of decided. And that to me tells me kind of how you operate. Decision made, done. Kids. I could never love them. What? I don't know. Maybe you could. I, I, I think I could love anyone given the time and given the, you know, the, the, the, you know, if someone said that, you know, these are my kids and I, you know, I, I don't know that to me, of all the things. And then you put in the politics thing, we don't agree on that. Then I'm, now I'm painting a picture of you which is someone who doesn't budge, someone who doesn't really empathize with the position of someone else. Like the house cleanliness. I get that. I wouldn't want to live in a, in a, in a. But you're, you're self described neat freak. So, like, is it what's getting to you? You're saying it about yourself. So these are things that I, that's the thing. What do I think? That's what I think. J train podcast gmail.com j train podcastmail.com Lisa Lisa Mattress Start your new year with a new mattress. I'm gonna say I have a Lisa mattress. It is unbelievable. My sleeps have been great. It is comfortable. It is. And listen, you're spending how much? You know you could do the whole thing. You spend a part of your life in the bed. This is something you want to invest in and I think we're going to give you some free money, which is great. Lisa has a lineup of amazing mattresses tailored to how you sleep. Each mattress is designed with specific sleep positions and preferences in mind. With Lisa, you get full body support no matter how you sleep. Made with premium materials in the usa, you can feel the difference from night one. I'm going to tell you right now, I love my Leesa mattress. I got one for my house that I just moved into. It's a great product and if you're listen, this is something you shouldn't cut corners with. A mattress is so important. My last mattress I had for years and then I moved. I left it behind. I said I need a new one. This one is wonderful. Rest easy when you try Lisa with free shipping, simple returns and 120 night sleep trial. See for yourself why Lisa was rated number one hybrid mattress by the New York Times. Go to Lisa.com for 25 all mattresses plus get an extra 50 off with promo code J Train. Exclusive to J Train fans. Support the show and let them know I sent you after checkout. L E-E-S A.com promo code J Train L E E S A promo code J Train One more email Good emails tonight. Thorough Jared Feather Feather Been a fan since the TFM days. Thank you Friendship Question for Mailbag Monday I'm a 35 year old woman living in Manhattan. About a year ago I became close friends with a neighbor in my building. 44 female, one on one. Our friendship is great. We have a lot of fun hanging out at home or going out to dinner or drinks just the two of us. About six months in, a major issue came up. Anytime we've gone out in a group or included other people, she becomes extremely confrontational and loud over even small things. She'll argue with strangers or people wherewith escalate situations quickly and it's often uncomfortable and embarrassing. After one group event where she especially after one group event where she was especially rude to a close friend of mine, that friend told me she never wanted to be around her again. Because of this I stopped inviting her to group settings. I've tried talking to her about her behavior but she shuts the conversation down and immediately justifies it. So I haven't been able to go get through to her to me. That's it. You tried? She's not going to be someone you call when it comes to a group hang one on one and and if she ever says to you hey why didn't you invite me to this? I think it kind of frees you. You've done the due diligence. I told you I'm not going to bring you to group events. There was a friend there that you. You can to me like once it's been had. Now you can talk about it. It's already out in the open. I'll keep reading your email. Important context. We live in the same building exchange apartment keys before this all came up. Here's my dilemma. My birthday's coming up and I managed to get a reservation and then possible to get restaurant for four people. I really don't want to invite her because I want a drama free night but I know excluding her will hurt her feelings and likely upset her but it was. Her feelings have been acknowledged. Hey what about. I mean what about your feelings you went to. You went to after one group event. You go to an event with a close friend of yours and they didn't take your feelings into account when they attacked your friend. You are not a part of her equation. She is a part of yours. That's a bad friendship. It's uneven so I understand why you feel bad. She's going to feel hurt but she didn't think of you and if she came to you and I mean you could do. There's a way to do this. I really don't want to invite her because I want to drama free night but I but excluding her will hurt her feelings and likely upset her. What's the best way to handle this? I want to keep her as a one on one friend and avoid tension with someone who lives in my building and has my keys. Forget the keys. The keys. You're adding stuff into this that doesn't need to be added. Do I have an honest conversation and say this is a smaller group thing? Do I suggest we celebrate separately? Do I keep the dinner quiet and off social media? Thanks for your help. Manhattan in the middle. Here's your move. You go to your. There's. There's two directions. You invite her but you say hey, I brought this up before. I hate that it's on my mind. But it is. If you're going to come to this dinner, I really would just want to have a fun time. If you're going to start. Can you think of me when you think of starting trouble? Can you understand that this will hurt me? If you can't do that, then I'm sorry. I'm having this dinner. We can do something. Otherwise, now you've put it in her hands, you can make the decision hers. Hey, I really want to invite you to this dinner because I love you and you're part of my life and it's my big birthday. But you got to promise me you're going to be good. I don't want to have to stress out about whether you're going to argue with everyone over these little trivial matters. And I've told you in the past that it bothers me and I hope you can respect that as a friend. If you can do that, please come. I'm inviting this person and that person so that you know who's coming and who to prepare for emotionally. Or we can do our own separate dinner. If you can't do that for me, let's do our own separate thing. That's what I. That's the way I would present it because you've already established things. You establish, hey, you made me feel really bad when you. You called out my friend. They said they don't care. That's how I am. I have a friend that won't hang out with you ever again. I mean, that's crazy. She shuts down. The conversation immediately justifies it, hey, before you can shut this down, I have a birthday coming up. I got a reservation here. I really want to invite you, but you got to promise me that you're not going to start with my friends who I'll also be inviting. If you can promise me that. Would love to have you. If you can't, then let's do our own separate thing. And that's okay. But make it that I would make it her decision because now you've laid it out. Now if she does make the night uncomfortable, you can say, I warned you. And from now on, I'm not going to include you in group things. I like you as a friend. We work. You obviously don't work with others. I'll keep that in mind. But to me, what you're doing is establishing like, hey, you're going to ruin our one to me if you invite her with that. Like, hey, I'm inviting these other people, but please, can you make this a drama free night. I'm looking to relax and have fun in a great restaurant. If she can't do that, I think what it will do is say that will end the friendship. If she can't do that, then I'd be like, hey, listen, I warned you. I take it as a form of disrespect to me when you get in an argument with someone else that I brought to that dinner after warning you. You might not want to use your birthday dinner as this testing ground, but that's a way to go. The other way to go is, hey, I'm celebrating my birthday with four friends. I had one friend get you say that someone else made the reservation. That's the easier route. The easier route is my friend made a reservation for my birthday. I really wanted to spend some time with you for it. Can you and I do another night? How Does Tuesday at 8 feel? So now you just get the plan in the book. The plan set. Now the reservation was made by this other group that she already hates. You can do both. So those are the two routes. But I would honestly like to me, if they can't respect your other friendships or your peace, they're not a good friend to you. Even though you do work out well one on one, that's not a good friend. Making you feel uncomfortable in front of good friends and forcing you into this them or us situation, that's not a good friend to you. Jtrain podcastmail.com Jtrain podcastmail.com Mailbag Monday keep telling a friend. Post on your Instagram stories back next week. Boom.