← The JTrain Podcast
The JTrain Podcast
I Gave a Guy My Number a Week Ago! When Do I Move On? Help! - MONDAY MAILBAG
00:31:17
Loading summary
Transcript1 lines
- [00:00]
A
It's a mailbag. Munder, you got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag Monday. Hello and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is J Train. Jared Freed, come to you live. I'm from New York City. That's right, every Monday is a mail bag Monday, where you, the listener, emails me, the comedian, your questions, anything you'd like. I'd love for you to email the show. I have, I have three emails in front of me. One is from Instagram. You can DM the J Train Instagram account at J Train Podcast. So that's the way you send emails to this show. You can email j train podcast gmail.com. you can send a DM through Instagram @ J Train Podcast. But before anything else, want to thank you for being a part of this show. I don't know if you listen every day or just on specific days. Maybe you're just a Mailbag Monday person and it doesn't happen without you. So that's always been kind of the how this show has worked. You email the show, I read the emails. We have a good time, so keep sending your emails. J Train Podcast. Com. Go, go immediately to the YouTube channel. The YouTube channel. I, I mean, I hate to bring up money, but I'm going to bring up my. We're. I am investing time, money, effort, energy into making YouTube happen. It's starting to inch upwards. Not as much as I'd like, but it's starting to grow. I am so happy to see comments there. It makes me really proud. It v. Our producer here also does the YouTube, so she's a big part of that. So I want you to go support. Support. I fucking hate that word, support. I, I, I want you to go enjoy, go enjoy the YouTube. And that makes me happy. We all win. So go, go, go, YouTube. Also, Patreon, every Friday is coffee with J Train. This past week. Well, I don't know what I'm going to talk about this week, but two weeks ago I talked about Thanksgiving and a guy who almost drooled on me. So that's, that's your tease. All the links are in the bio of the episode. We have two sponsors, three emails. So we'll go email, sponsor, email, sponsor, email. Did I just do too many. My head is in six different places right now. Let me, let me start with an apology. My bad. I'm, I'm sitting here in New York City. I'm, I'm a little, I'm coming off, I'm at the end of this, when I go on the road now, I kind of do this, like, big road, this big, like, trip. So I did New York, then I did Royal Oak, Michigan and Columbus, Ohio, which were, I have to thank everyone who was at those shows. Thank you. Just unbelievable. Made me feel good, you know, again, it's like YouTube. I love hearing back from people. I love that people enjoy it. I just want more people. That's it. And, and I'm like sitting here every day. This is a puzzle I'm trying to figure out. And again, it's the puzzle I love doing. So thank you guys for coming to those shows and bringing your friends. I had a blast. I, I, I really do feel like I'm putting on a good show. I, I, you know, you can't sit here in comparison land. But I'm doing the work to make sure that that show is something that people leave and go, okay, we got, we got our, our money's worth. We, we, we, we took, made the right decision with our night. That made, that is a, that is really important for me. So, and then Chicago, I did a private gig. It was wonderful. So I went Detroit, Columbus, Chicago, then came back. Now I'm back in New York. I'll go all over the sun. Coffee with J Train. Just the exhaustion level. Cause I'm feeling it right now. But let's get to your emails. I'm gonna fight through. I'm talking like I'm a coal miner. This is the easiest job in the world. I'm sorry. Okay, two apologies in five minutes in Jared. Here we go. Okay. Mailbag Monday. Hello, Jared. I'm nervously writing in with my first ever submission. Well, thank you for being brave. It's hard. I, I, I tend to believe and I do have this, get this feedback a lot. Sometimes just writing the email makes you feel better. So I saw your show in Sacramento. Oh, I like Sacramento. I'm a, I'm a fan. Sacramento is close enough to San Francisco to have like cool people who are like that know that, like the things that San Franciscans rage on about, you know, San Francisco is like the older sibling who like, you're like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They got a lot of, like, they go a little crazy and then they're like, I, I, I feel like Sacramento has a lot of reasonable, fun people. So that's my vibe on Sacramento. I saw your show in Sacramento and your comedy really helped me during the time I'm about to mention. Well, I'm happy I could help at all. My husband and I My husband just returned from a year long overseas assignment. I couldn't live there with him, but we visited back and forth while he was there. He made a lot of international friends, which we both thought was great. But one European woman he met has been messaging him nonstop since he got home. And it's making me uncomfortable. So if I were to like, give advice before we get to the meat of the email, let me just give one piece of advice. Because you wrote, sometimes you write. Well, I always say, sometimes the answer's in the email. Usually it is. But honestly, the, the first sentence of your discussion with your husband is right here. One European woman you met and has been messaging you non stop since you've gotten home is making me uncomfortable. That's, that's the, that's the title of the argument to me. So you wrote it. These are your words, those are your feelings. Sometimes that's the hardest thing to say and you get caught up with all the other emotional stuff. But if we break it down, European woman is messaging you a lot. It's making me uncomfortable. End of sentence. Breathe. There it is. That's, that's what I got. And honestly, my issue, if, like, if I'm in your position, I'm married to a woman, she goes for a year long trip or trip, yearlong work thing to Europe, and I see that a man is messaging her and I say to her, you know, getting messages from this guy a lot, it makes me feel badly. If they, there's two routes they can go. If we break this down into, like, if we try to math. I think sometimes it's easy to math out an emotional issue. If you break it down to like, there's, there's two options. When, hey, I feel uncomfortable that that woman is texting you. It's either tell me I'm crazy and vilify my feelings or, or see that, yeah, that would make me feel uncomfortable too. I get it. That's it. And it's kind of this like, tree, you know, if they go down the road of vilifying your feelings, you're not really negotiating with someone that's not a relationship. If they can say to you at the very minimum, yeah, that would make me feel uncomfortable too. At least we're starting in the same reality. So I'm putting myself in your shoes. If I said, you know, European man is messaging you my wife again, you can change it for whatever gender situation you're in and it makes me feel uncomfortable and then just stop. And then they, and then they have their two choices. You're being crazy or. Yeah, you're making a good point. Because it is a good point. I don't know who could disagree with. Okay, and then you make a good point. And here's why. This. This. You're making a good point. But here's why. This is different. That's what you're looking for. Make me feel better now. So let me get to your email. Her texts are constant and flirty. I miss you. Wish you were here. These were all quotes, when can we see each other again? Plus hearts, flowers, and winky faces. Listen, emojis matter. Only the worst human being alive will go, oh, what are you, a child? It's little cartoon emojis. Yep, they matter. I went through his phone. She writes in parentheses. I know. Listen, what has happened has happened. This is the. To me. I went through his phone. I know I shouldn't do that. No, no, no, you did it. You had your reasons for doing it. It's like one of those things that's like, whenever someone talks about going through someone's phone, it's. It kind of reminds me of like, yeah, I hit my sibling. Because they were like, I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you. You'd go, well, I can understand why you hit your sibling. The guy was being a piece of shit. You can be pushed to look through a phone. You know, there's better ways to go about it. Hey, I feel uncomfortable every time I see this name pop up. I haven't looked at your phone, but it makes me want to. And I'm stopping myself right now from doing that by having this conversation with you. Yeah, that's a more adult way to go about it. We all wish we were a little more adult about how we live our everyday lives, myself included. So you didn't. That's fine. You're not going to find vilification here. I went through his phone. I know, because I needed to see how often he engages. Well, that would be what I would want for my partner. Hey, every time I see this name pop up, makes me feel uncomfortable. And then they go, listen, I get it, but take a look. Here's the phone free. I have to just show you kind of the conversation and how it gets that way. But that's not what's happening. You felt uncomfortable. You went, looked at the phone. Now you're seeing that he's engaging in the conversation. He responds warmly, tells her he misses her, too. Okay, to me, that's crossing a line. But listen, we're All. We're all allowed to have our own. Our own lines, but that's okay. But he also makes it clear he's married. Well, hey, I miss you, too. But remember, got this big fat ring on my finger. Can't go further than telling you how much I love you. You're like, that's. I don't know. I get it. There's. In the. In. In the issues of emotion. People will use these, like, facts and figures again. I go to math, and then I know when I. Because I go to math to, like, oh, you can go this road or you can go that road. I know when someone's using the facts to make someone else the problem, not themselves. Well, I've done everything according to this contract, and it's like, that's not how it works or how I want my relationship to look. Let me keep going. He responds warmly, tells her he misses her too, but also makes it clear he's married, Even dodging her attempts to see us on Even dodging her attempts to see us on our anniversary weekend. She's engaged as well, which makes it all feel even weirder. I don't think he cheated, but I hate the energy between them. He insists they're just friends. He insists she's just a friend he bonded with on his assignment. But the frequency and tone of the messages feels needy and off. My anxiety is fueled by the horror stories I've heard. Multiple people from his base come home from that assignment, confessed affairs, and left their spouses. It's a sad, common reality in the military, and it's hard not to spiral. What do you make of this dynamic? I'm not against the friendship, but I'm struggling with the way she's constantly inserts herself. Thanks for hearing me out. Sign, Ms. Possessive. Well, I'm sorry you're going through this, and even your. Sign off, your perspective's off. You're just. I'm going to tell you you're wrong for how you're looking at this, and I can't. That's a little bit me telling you how to feel, but I'm going to ask of you to try your best to look at this from a different angle when you sign it. Ms. Possessive, I think you're being incredibly hard on yourself. I think you're being almost crazy like that. That's crap. I just told you. Don't. You know, don't. I don't want to call someone crazy, but to say I'm being possessive because I. I get a little upset. I get upset by seeing that My husband says has this ongoing kissy face emoji relationship with a woman. I don't know. I think that's like, not what's going on here. You know, I, I actually, I disagree with the sign off. Here's, here's what I would say to you. To me, if you're looking for like, what to find. Here's what I would find wrong. He's text. The minute someone says, I miss you and I'm married, now I have to make a decision of like cutting this whole thing off. It's, I mean, it's not, I think it'd be okay. Honestly. It'd be okay. It would be okay. You meet someone abroad, you guys h, you know, have some sort of friendship. Things go flirty and unsaid, but nothing happens. Then they text you, hey, I really miss you. That's a point where we have to say, hey, this has gone too far. This has gone too long. I think we've crossed a line. I'm married. I'm very happy in my marriage. I'm gonna, I, I gotta end our conversations because they've gone away. That would upset someone else. You know, that's the thing. When does he think of you? At what point does he say this conversation and would, would, would make them upset? So I guess I'm not asking you. You say, is it, it's a, what do you make of this dynamic? I would say it's okay. I, I think it's okay for your husband to have a friend. But it's also, in my opinion, it would be hard for me to see how nothing has happened or no lines have been crossed or, or, but even just not saying to someone who says, I miss you, hey, can we, I'm married. But also, maybe we need to take a beat here. Like, I don't know. I, I, I feel for you because I don't, I listen, the, the least caring friend of yours will go, he cheated. I don't know that that happened. I do know that someone the other day, not to go off topic, but someone the other day was like, do you want to make, do you want some friends? They, they found out I moved to Delray beach and they were like, do you want some friends? And I was like, no, no, I don't want some friends. If you have an event that you want to invite me to, yeah, maybe I'll go to your event and maybe I'll make some friends there, But I don't want friends, friends. So I think a lot of people are like me. They're not just, like, out, like, moving somewhere for a year for an assignment. And then they're like, oh, well, I got to make some friends. That's not how I would operate if I went somewhere on assignment. If I go on the road, I'm not like, oh, where? What am I going to do? Who am I going to play cards with? No, I'm going to go back to my place, or I'm going to go have a drink at a bar after a show, and maybe I'll meet some people along the way. This person that he met, like, the fact that he has to, like, keep this weird friendship, like, I don't know, it doesn't. It feels off to me as it does to you. I'm only hearing your side of the story. My plan, if I were you, is to say this. To say, what do you. What do you get from this friendship? Now that you are home, I can understand. You're on the road, and maybe they're on the road, too. And you two form a friendship out of the combined loneliness of the. The shared experience. What's going on now? Does she have a. Can I meet the fiance? Are you inviting them over on our anniversary weekend so that we can all hang? How do you see this going forward? And again, he has options of how he responds to you. I see you. I hear you. I totally understand why this is weird. It's gone probably too far. And I'm being nice to this person because I just kind of was afraid. I could see the fear from his end if I was to give. Let me play the most empathetic listener to him. Let me. Let me give you the most kind way to look at his situation. I go on assignment for a year. I. This person is also on assignment. They're away from their fiance. I'm away from my wife. We form a friendship on the shared experience. Along the way, it felt like things got flirty. And I think she fell in love with me more than I fell in love with her. And the. And the connection. And again, this is me going probably being unfair to her. And the connection went so far that I just kept it to text. And I didn't want to make it weird because I didn't want this person blowing up at me and making it seem like I went further than I did. And now I'm stuck in this thing where I'm being nice to someone so that they don't go to you and tell you that we had something, which we didn't. That. I mean, that's like. I mean, even Me saying that sounds like I'm lying for him. So, you know, again, I don't want to say he cheated. I don't know. But I think you need to lose the perspective that you're possessive. I don't think you're being possessive at all. I think you need to say your beginning sentence. The European woman that you're texting with makes me uncomfortable. End it there. How does he get back to that? How does he fix that? Again, how do you work together towards a solution? Jtrain podcast@gmail.com jtrain podcastmail.com we're sponsored. Herobred. Don't skip on the bread this holiday season. Try hero bread. Hero makes sliced bread, bagels, dinner rolls and more. High in fiber, ultra low net carbs, zero grams of sugar. You'd never know this. It's low deck carb and high fiber. From the texture, it's soft and fluffy, just like you want it to be. Check out their tortillas, croissants, and buttermilk biscuits. Here's the thing. Maybe some of you saw that I posted on TikTok, my rider. On my rider, I have a baguette and turkey and cheese and mustard to make a sandwich. And most of that is because I just feel like something gets itched in my brain. A good feeling erupts from me having a sandwich. Someone commented to me, they're like, whoa, where's the hero bread? And I think that's hilarious because they're right. What I would do to have on my rider. Because hero bread is not easy to get. You got to order it. You got to. Again, they're doing a version of bread that I wish I had everywhere and I can't because this is small batch and delicious and special bread. And if I had the option of hero bread on the road before I went on stage, I'd still get that. That itch scratched, but I would feel better about it. I wouldn't go, oh, should I have the sandwich? Oh, man, what am I doing? So herobred kind of like scratches an itch and fills a void that I think you have just as much as me. Keep an eye out for their delicious small batch drops like their pumpkin spice scone. That sounds amazing. Herobred is offering J train listeners 10, 10, 10% off your order. Go to hero Co. Use code feather at checkout. That's code feathero co. We have one more sponsor, then we'll go to the meat of the show, Ara frames. I think this is a wonderful gift. And again, if you're in the world of like I just. I got someone on my list. I need to get them a gift. What do I do? Here it is. This is your answer and I'm going to give you some free money. Picking out a great gift can be difficult. Making it easy by grabbing an aura frame. Aura frames are an easy are easy to set up. I can attest to that. Upload an unlimited amount of photos and videos through the aura app. Share memories from anywhere. It's a great gift for anyone in your life. I consider the aura frame the gift that keeps on giving quite literally because every time you update that frame from your app to your parents house or your, you know, your, your brother with their big family or whoever you're giving this to, you remind them every time you update the frame that you got them the best gift in their house. A heartwarming gift. You can add gift messages and preload the frame before it ships. It's a no hassle gift that feels personal right out of the box. For a limited time save on the perfect gift by visiting araframes.com to get $35 off our as best selling carver matte frames named number one by Wirecutter by using promo code jtrain at checkout. That's a U R A frames.com promo code Jtrain. This deal is exclusive to Jtrain fans and frames sell out fast. So order yours now to get it in time. The holidays. Support the show by mentioning J train checkout. Terms and conditions apply. I. I just think that's like a no brainer. There's someone you're spending this amount of money on that they will love this gift. Okay, we got an IG dm. Hi. I have a question that hopefully you can answer on your next episode. I gave a guy my number a week ago. He hasn't reached out yet. Should I move on or give it a little longer? What other reasons would there be besides him not being interested if he's interested? Well, I don't know very much context from this dm. I don't know where you met the guy now if you met them at a bar, they're not interested. You gave them your number. You shot your shot. There it is. If you gave someone your number that you work with, they. They value you their job more than the hypothetical drama that a relationship with you could and could create. So you meet any other way. So I think like if you were like I want to just like follow up. Gave a guy my number a week ago. He hasn't reached out yet. Should I move on or give it a little longer. I mean, like, here's the thing. I don't know. To me, you give someone your number and you don't have theirs, you move on. The minute you give the number, that's when you move on. This idea, and I think your issue. I'll go with what's in front of me. A guy gave me. A guy gave. I gave a guy my number a week ago. He hasn't reached out yet. Should I move on or give it a little longer? My response to you is that you are the problem. Your way. The way you're dating right now is a problem. You need every single person that you meet in a romantic way to have this clean ending. You need a bow on every situation. And that is a low confidence move. To me, you're the. You're the shop owner. People come to your store, they take a look around, they buy something or they leave. The door's right there. You can come back anytime. I'll decide if I'm open for your business or not. So you need a little more confidence is my opinion on your message. Because for you to say, I gave someone my number. When do I stop thinking about them? How about, you gave them the number, and if they reach out, you'll be fine when they do, you'll make your decision when they do. And if they reach out a year from now and you don't like the way they reach out and they go, hey, I just remembered I had your number. What's up? And you get turned off by that text. You can move on from that. You can say, why would I get back to you now? If they write to you a year from now, hey, I met you at the bar about a year ago. I was kind of in something, but you were really cute and I thought about you. Since I've broken up with that other person, I'd love to get a drink sometime. Well, would you go on that date? You probably would. You probably should. Or maybe you're in something. Maybe you've moved on and you're seeing someone and you say, hey, I'm really sorry it didn't work out for us. I'm actually seeing someone right now. To me, right now, you're asking for a protection of your feelings that doesn't exist, that it will be false for me to give you. Should I move on or give it a little longer? Here's my number, and then that's it. Maybe they get to you. You'll be fine when they do. I don't know what you're waiting on. If you give your number out to 10 people tomorrow night, should you. Should you move on from all of them right away? Should you put them on a list and be like, well, where have they been? When do I move on from them? No, you made a boss ass move. You went up to someone, you gave them your number, you said, hey, I think you're cute. Give me make a date and I'd love to make it happen. Make a plan and I'm in. You did it. Then you walk away. Go ahead. And I know I'm telling you how to feel right now. I'm telling you. Oh, stop. I'm not telling you to stop thinking the person. I'm telling you to stop feeling like that. When they text you, they're going to somehow manipulate you into. Into the wrong decisions. You're not. You're going to be fine. J train podcast, gmail.com. j train podcast. Com. Or that was a DM to the Instagram account at. At J Train Podcast. Jared Feather. Feather. Just in case no one said it lately, the Florida move has been amazing for you. Thank you. You sound genuinely happy. I am. Okay, here's my situation. I have three incredible girlfriends I've been close with since our 20s. 15 years later, they're 35ish. Okay, we've made a tradition of doing a monthly friends dinner. I think that is wonderful. I think it's also a little bit stringent. Monthly friends dinner, that can become a burden. That's me. Right off the, right off the. The bat. I'm going, oh, monthly friends dinner. I'd be like, when are we going to do this? Do I want to eat that week? Do I have the time? It's December. We rotate town since we're all within 30 minutes of each other. Okay, still, still, still something. One friend in the group is a lesbian with a young daughter. The vibe of these dinners is simple. Spouses stay home with the kids so we can catch up, have martinis, and talk freely. I love it. But still a burden. The issue is that her wife keeps asking why she can't come. Ooh, this is a tough one. At first, our friend framed it as jealousy. At first, our friend framed it as jealousy. But at a recent, larger event with the with at first our friend. I'm not sure which friend framed it as jealousy. But at a recent larger event, the wife had a few too many and directly asked me why she's not included. I explained that it's just a standing tradition. Spouses hang back. So the original friend group can have time together. I think that's a perfectly reasonable explanation. But let's be honest, she's a lot. She wrote it, I didn't. But let's be honest, she's a lot. She tends to get really drunk, dominate conversations, and ends up crying about family trauma. We want these dinners to stay low key and enjoyable. So how do you gently, how do we gently but firmly communicate it's just the four of us. See you back at home without hurting feelings or starting drama. Signed, anonymous. I, I, I think, I think you explained it perfectly. I, I, I think there's no reason to give any further explanation. You rest your case. Hey, this is a dinner we do with this group. This is the group. The group is established. To me that kind of like what saves you from, you don't need to go into. She's a lot. She gets drunk, she dominates. That's your friend who's married to her's problem. That's her problem. Everything you said you don't need to say, that's for us, us two gals to chit chat about. That's the gossip. That's the dinner with the other two girls. When you don't, don't include the Leslie. So to me, I think you have your, I think you have your statement. I think end of sentence, period. Done. Take a breath because, hey, I'm doing the friend dinner. The, the fact that she brought it up to you and you know it's an issue, that's not really your problem. I think you're bringing it up to me because you're like, okay, now I've realized, like, she really does want to come to this dinner. Okay, I want to go to a nightclub. I don't know, I want to go like, I want to go on a private jet, you know, like I, but I can't. I don't have a ticket. It's not my jet. That's not for me. So again, she can want to go on your dinners, but that's a different dinner. That's not the standing appointment. The dinner with her is when you plan a dinner with her. This friend group monthly thing. Now if your friend who has the wife says, hey, I can't go this week, or I can only come if my wife comes, I think it's even okay for you to say to this person, hey, this is not the, I signed up for this dinner with these three women that we grew up with. I love this dinner. Now if you want to blow up this dinner, we can make it less frequent. We can go once a year, twice a year. We can go quarterly. But what I'm signed up for is this group, and I think that's perfectly fine. I don't think you have to go to me. That's it to me. My advice to you is stick to your statement. I explained that it's a standing tradition. Spouses hang back so the original friend group can have this time together, which is important to me. Speaking me. It's really important that I have my time with these three friends. I consider it my mental health time. I consider it. It's really like a satiating dinner for me. I have friends like that. When I go out with them, I feel whole. I feel, you know, I feel refilled and rejuvenated. Speak in items. No one can take that away from you. You know, like, I hate to sound like a therapist, but, like, hey, like, I love this dinner. I love that it's just us four. I think you and your wife are great. I'd love to do a dinner otherwise. But when it comes to this group, this is the group. This is what I get from it. And if this group needs to disband, I would be sad about that. But I'm not looking to do, like, a Frankenstein version of this group dinner. We're not bringing in the the wives and husbands. Jtrain podcast. Com jtrain podcastmail.com we'll be back next week.