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The JTrain Podcast
I keep getting invited to brunch! Help! - MONDAY MAILBAG - The JTrain Podcast w Jared Freid
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Jared Freed
It's a mailbag, Munder. You got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a Mailbag Monday. Hello and welcome to the J Train podcast. This is J Train Jared Freed coming to you live from Boca. That's right, every day. It's a Mailbag Monday. We take your emails. We. And, and let me start the show with sending an email. Send in your issues, your problems, your, your, your, your, the, the, the things that are keeping you up at night. We want to hear from you. We, we're always looking for more emails on Mailbag Monday because we want specificity, we want specifics, we want screenshots, we want friend issues, parent issue. I'm, I'm here at my parents house. I mean, how do you deal with parents? I don't know. I'm dealing with that myself, you know, so how do you deal with friends, relationships, dating, all that stuff, Marriage stuff? We, we love all these things. And you know, you go, who are you, who are you asking to help me? I'm looking to just look at your problem, give you some perspective without looking in the eye, which is powerful. Without having to see you go get angry at me as I'm, as I'm talking these things out. An honest perspective that's not looking to hurt you, that's looking to, you know, listen. Sometimes these questions make me look inside of myself. So keep sending them in. And here's the email. Jtrain podcastmail.com that's jtrain podcastmail.com you can also DM train podcast on Instagram. I got two emails in front of me. I'm sitting here in my parents house in Boca. Had some free time to get the Monday show done. I got two emails, two sponsors. We'll get to the first one. Nutrafol. I'm talking to you from Boca. My mom is a Nutrafol user, a Nutrafol lover. She keeps getting it for my mom to re up. That means it's good if your hair has started going. It can be stressful. Take back control with Nutrafol. 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See thicker, stronger, faster growing hair with less shedding in just three to six months with Nutrafol. Start your hair growth journey with Nutrafol for is offering J train listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping. When you go to neutrophil.com enter the promo code Feather. Find out why over 4, 500 healthcare professionals and stylists recommend Neutrophil for healthier hair. Neutrophil.com spelled N U T R A F-O-L.com promo code Feather. That's neutrophil.com promo code Feather. Every ad is in the description of the episode. We have two today. That is one of two. Let's get to the emails before I do. I'm gonna be in Rochester this weekend. I got a fun show, very excited. If you're in Rochester, assemble the group chat. If you have friends in that area, let them know I'm on my way. The J Train is on his way to spread merriment and joy. Ho, ho, ho. Merry April. First weekend of April. Yeah. What a way to start the. Start the spring, get a laugh. All right, let's go to the emails. J train podcast. Gmail.com Keith sending in that word. I just struggled to keep sending them in. That sounds better. Feather. Feather. Love your pods, Jay. Training you up. Love your stand up. Thank you. I saw your Terrytown taping and I've seen with a seller a few times. Thank you. I started listening at the end of 2022, a year after getting divorced from my high school sweetheart. That's a good time to get involved with what I do. I can make you feel a little bit better about getting back into the scene. I think that's the big problem, this fear of, oh, I have to be in this mess called dating. I'm hoping what I do can make it sound a little less scary, a little more fun. A year after getting divorced from my high school sweetheart and a few months after I moved to New York. Thanks for all the great. I mean, what a life change. You're married to your high school sweetheart, then you're not and you're packing up and moving to the city. Good for you. Thanks for all the great dating advice as well as making me realize I'm not alone on the roller coaster of dating. You're not alone. I got you holding your hand. Question. How would you feel if your wife doesn't take your last name? Okay, more specific to my situation. Would it be weird if, if I legally keep my maiden name for my professional doctor life, their doctor, but if, when I have kids, then they would take his last name and I would go by Mrs. Spouse's last name? In day to day life with friends, other parents and at parent teacher conferences, I, the whole thing is so confusing. Like I do, I don't think I would care. But I also, a lot of people say things. I'm not going to tell you how I would feel when I've never had to feel it. So I, I do, I've kind of like, I, I'm trying to think of how I say things. I don't think, I don't think a lot of. Well, now I'm getting into vagary of people. I'm just saying I don't like when I hear someone say, you know, come out with this hard and fast opinion that's really easy to have without having to be in the, the emotional place of having to deal with it. This is one of those things you see on the Internet, like for me to say, like, listen, as I sit here in my parents home taping a podcast. Single, not married, never been married, no kids. I am speaking from a privileged perch. Are there men out there who see their life in a certain way? I think a lot of men don't get. And again, if you're sitting here going, what happens is, it's like the punch up, punch down thing. If you live in a world where being a man is just 1000 million times easier than being a woman and every answer to the question is, you know, is, well, because you're a man, you don't understand it. I don't know if we're having a real conversation. And what I mean by that is like, I'm gonna. I don't think a lot of men are given the credibility, first of all of it goes both ways. And I've said this for years, no man is given the credibility of having more emotional intelligence than they put on. And I think that saves a lot of men in dating. I think that Lets that that has women giving men the benefit of the doubt and letting them off the hook a lot of times. So it works in our favor. You know, the idea that oh well, he must not know to make a date. Yes he does. Oh, he must not know. So again it goes both ways. So I'm bringing this up to say there's also the other end of that. What I don't think men are thought of as like thinking of what their life would look like 10, 20 years, 30 years down the line. And that's, you know, I can blame men for that too. We, we tend to be, we don't tend to talk about that a lot. We don't tend to, you know, you know, plan ahead when it comes to, you know, you know, dating and relationships. It does feel like we're doing things as they come. So. But I do think like it would, you know, for to say that again now I'm rambletown USA to say that I haven't thought of like oh, when I get married and I'll be Mr. And Mrs. Freed with my two kids and the Freed's and it will all be simple and not and have no again. I'm thinking through the key. I'm typing in the key of me. I'm thinking I'm the star of the movie. And when you're the star of the movie, the person you end up with is this side character who does things the way you would write them. So this is all to say, I probably said that already a million times. I don't know how I would feel if this variable was presented to me in the movie that I'm writing for my life. I would like to think I would say, yeah, who cares? I love this person. If they want to go professionally by their last name, I'm not offended by that. If this is the way they have written the movie for themselves, great. I don't I my movie, the way I've written my movie. I get is it as important as I thought it was or did I just think it that way? Because it's a way I've always seen it. I've only known my parents to be my dad's last name. So that's all I know to look forward for my own future past. You know, with when you invest in stocks, past performance does not indicate future results is what they say, you know, but that's all we got to go by. So how would I feel if my wife doesn't take my last name? As I sit here, never married, no kids, never having to be presented with a real world version of that, I don't think it would matter that much to me. And then more specific to my situation, would it be weird if I legally know? Because here's what you're doing. What you know, when you legally keep my maiden name for my profession, but if and when I have kids, it would take his life. To me, that's you working with this ghost. To me, that's you saying, you know, you're, well, maybe this is how you always saw it in my profession. To me, in my profession, I, you know, I kept my last name and because I've come this far and I'm, you know, I've established a career and to me, that's you. I don't know if that's how you want it, which it may be. It's what you wrote and that's. Maybe that was your dream to have in your career your own last name. Your kids have the last name of your spouse. Maybe that was the dream. Or this is the negotiation you've made with someone you've never met, yet you've already pre negotiated. Which to me, I think you wait and see as it comes and see how you feel until you're in it. As someone who has changed my name before and then changed it back and had to deal with multiple state licensing delays because of a name change, I feel jaded. I am also recognized with my very small field by my last recognized within my very small field by my last name. I'll get referrals based on this name and I will publish articles in the future. You know, it's funny what you've done in this email. It's what we all do. Sign, call me, call me Al. It's funny, what you're doing in this email is like, you're giving all these, like, hard reasons that maybe it sounds like you feel like you need to give. Like, if someone said to me, as someone who's changed my name before, then change it back and had to deal with multiple state license licensing delays because of a name change, I feel j. The I feel jaded part is you admitting, like, it was all annoying. I don't want to do that again, but I don't. If someone said to me, well, it's. It's tough to go back and forth and what if we don't work out? I'd be like, I'd be like, well, that doesn't matter. I, you know, the paperwork and the process of the state institutions is not why someone keeps or doesn't keep Their last name. That's to me, those are excuses to push what you want on someone. When I think if you're in a loving relationship, all should matter is that that's what you want. That's how you saw it. I don't need six, you know, to you to show me how difficult it is. If this is something you truly want, you know, to me you wouldn't even understand the paperwork like that to me is said by someone trying to force their case, thinking that their feelings are not enough. Hey, I've always seen it that I should. That I would keep my last name as a doctor. It's something I'm proud of. It's pro. I'm proud that my profession again all feelings. I feel proud. I feel good. To me, that's. If I'm to be with a partner, that's how I want to argue with them. That's how I don't. That's how let me. Argue is the wrong word. That's how I want to negotiate. So when it comes to this topic, like, first of all, you're not going to get ahead. You don't know who you're negotiating against right now. You've already pre negotiated against a ghost or you really saw it this way growing up. If that's the case, just own that. Hey, my whole life I've always thought how cool it would be. And I really do love having my name be part of my profession. But I also love that our kids can share this other name. And again like, you know, and then, then you got to negotiate with someone, then there's someone's going to have another. They got feelings too. I think that's the thing you gotta keep in mind. So getting ahead. It doesn't. Getting. There's nothing to get ahead about. This is not a first date discussion. This is not a second date discussion. This is, well, is it a second date discussion? To me, I wouldn't be surprised. I feel like I would be surprising if I was surprised if I got five months in with someone and they were a doctor and they're like, hey, you know, I just wanted to think, you know, I've always seen keeping my name as, you know, and five months feels like I don't think I would be like, what? But you were gonna take my name. Like, I don't think I would be shocked. And also as you get older, you know, I could also understand the perspective of like, you get married at like 25 and it becomes our name. There's no, you know, the history of, you know, it becomes whatever name you guys go with, whether it's hyphenated or you keep your name or. But I think it's like. But then you get to 40s and you go, well, I've built, like a whole life. I have, like, this whole. This whole portion of my life that I don't want to just leave behind. That did me well. That got me to here and now our new life together. We're gonna have this other name, but I'm also gonna, like, hold on to as a keepsake. I. That makes a lot of sense to me, more so later in life. But again, I'm speaking as 40, single, never married, no kids, which I. You did write into me. So I. You do care about my opinion. And I. I think it's. I think it's interesting, though, the. The getting ahead of it all. The. Because this is all that stuff. I think, like, if someone's listening and they're married and they went through this, like, I think they would go, this is so small. You're never gonna have to worry about this. This will be enough. This will be enough. Course with the right person, I guess it's for the person who's with the wrong person. This isn't an of course. The name thing wasn't an of course. Oh, my God. You know, this is of the issues. This is gonna be, you know, number a thousand on the list. You got a lot. You got a lot of tough, tough, you know, tough years ahead. If this is not easy. Breezy, beautiful Cover girl. J train podcast gmail.com j train podcast gmail.com we are sponsored Herobred. Stop freaking out every time someone invites you to Taco Tuesday. Use a hero bread tortilla and you'll. And you'll be just fine. Herobreds baked goods taste amazing and are totally guilt free. The bread is soft and fluffy with ultra low net carbs, zero grams of sugar, lots of fiber. Their classic plain bagels have four net carbs, zero grams of sugar, 19 grams of protein. And those tortillas have one gram of net carbs, zero grams of sugar, and only 80 calories. I love hero bread. I use the. I make toast with it in the morning with my egg whites. It's delicious. I love a crunch. I can speak to the bagels. They're delicious. It's great to have and to make you feel like you had a full meal, you know? And again, if you're. If the choice is between. Me personally, if the choice is between a bread with, you know, a lot of more calories and less fiber than versus Herobred with less calories and more fiber. I'm going hero bread. I'm having the same experience. More efficiently eat what you love without packing on the pounds and they are delicious. I will say I, I keep them in the freezer, pop them out, put in the toaster oven. Good to go. Herobred is offering 10 off your order. Go to Hero Co. Use code J train at checkout. That's J train at H E R O dot co. That is in the description of the episode. Go, go, go. Check out the sponsors. You support the sponsors, they support the show. That's how it all works. All right, let's do another email. Jared, love the show. I'll get straight to it. I, 38 female, have a group of girlfriends I've known for 15 years. Okay, so this is like the post college group. Everyone moved to a city, they found each other at an awkward time. That post college confusion. What are we, what are we going to be? They probably got brunches and went out and got drunk together and debriefed on each other's beds and got through these, you know, what am I? What work will I do? And now they're 38 and they're a big tight knit group. I love it. We were super close in early 20s, but as we've gotten older, I've gotten married, divorced and became a single mom to a daughter. I have 90% of the time. There it is. I'm sure this whole group has their own stories. I'm sure everyone's got a story and a life that they've lived and it's, it's probably makes those friendships beautiful and fun and nice. Postco, my friends wanted to have regular brunches to reconnect. I mean this is something people do because they go, just put it on the calendar. Make it an every week thing that we don't have to worry about missing out on this, on this friendship. It's a set it and forget it model tough to stay by as you get older. Listen, listen to this person's life. She has a kid, 90% of the time she's gotten married, divorced, now she's single. She's got to have time for her single life. So I can see kind of where this might be going. My friends wanted to have regular brunches to reconnect. I've tried to make it work, but as the only single mom, it's a lot of effort. Arranging childcare, driving over two hours to drop my daughter off and sat. I mean driving over two hours anywhere to keep up a weekly thing or they. You said regular brunches, so I. Okay, but. But still, that's a lot of driving and sacrificing my limited time. Limited alone time with her. Limited alone time. Let me read that aside. Arranging. It's a lot of effort arranging childcare, driving over two hours to drop my daughter off, and sacrificing my limited alone time with her. Some of my friends are single, others have partners, so it's much easier for them. Sure. I met my boyfriend a year ago, and since then I've prioritized seeing him on my few child free days. Again, I mentioned this earlier, even before you said it. To have a kid and to try and have a single life and try to keep family and friends, it's difficult. I've had to politely decline or extend brunch plans, but I'd really like to scale back or skip these brunches altogether. They try to reschedule and I cancel and I end up feeling pressured to give up more of my free time to accommodate them. This is hard. I don't. Okay, well, I don't know what's. If you're canceling and it's like the linchpin on the whole brunch, I would feel that pressure too, like, oh, you're canceling, so we're all not gonna go. But sometimes, again, like what they're putting on you. Like, let's say you are this key bruncher that if you don't go, no one wants to go. Okay, let's say that's the case. Fine. More likely you cancel and you give everyone else the excuse. Because I would assume. Let me just say this as again, never married, no kids, don't have the responsibilities that you have. I would feel bad canceling a brunch. And this is a lot of pressure on you. If I cancel the brunch where you're coming to, I'm a piece of shit. If you cancel the brunch, then I'm like, oh, thank God, I don't have to go anymore. It's the person with the most responsibilities that you're like keeping the brunch for because. And again, this is a compliment to you. This is because your friends love you. So the email writes, I don't want to be rude and say I'm not. I'm just not that close close anymore, but the conversations are surface level and I don't feel fulfilled after these gatherings. Well, that's, that's a. This is heavier than. Yeah, that Sucks. I care about them, but don't feel the same connection you don't feel. Two hours driving in both directions connection. Any advice on how to gracefully let them meet without me? Without being blunt, this is hard. Am I wrong for wanting to prioritize my boyfriend and my limit and limited my limited free time? Signed avoidant brunch goer. No, you're not wrong. I would never. You feel how you feel these brunches, you know, you. These brunches. While the friendships you've had in the past were important to you, and reconnecting and having them as your friends is important to you, these forced get togethers really aren't serving those relationships. I don't know what you. Here's the thing. And again, if I'm to get gendered with this, this is something I don't have to deal with. And I do think, you know, the beauty of female friendship that I see from afar, and also the. You get the good with the bad. I think women lean on each other. They tell each other the stories. They, they, they give each other advice. That's why dating podcasts are very female, you know, why we have a bigger female listenership. They like these discussions, they like these conversations. And the, these are somewhat normal predicaments that are brought to the brunch table. I talk about it all the time. You know, these are talks out at the brunch table. These are things that are unpacked there. The, the debrief. I've had that with my male friends, but I don't think I've ever called on my male friends to, like, help me during a dark time, which is like, I do think that happens a lot more for women. So then there's this, like, tab, you've run up with each other. So I do think when you say you've known these groups of girlfriends, these girlfriends for 15 years, I don't know how many there are. So the pressure might be larger if there's like four of you, as opposed to like a group of 10 women who kind of have these interchangeable relationships and different, you know, lines of communication and different levels of who's close with who and who. So I don't know as far as how big the group is. I'm sure it's smaller because you're dealing with this pressure. If it's, you know, this smaller group, I think you say they're regular brunches, but it's not like it's in every Sunday. We have, you know, Sunday at 2, at, you know, at yolks we get together every week. That might make it easier. Hey, guys, I can't make it to Yolks. This is my imaginary brunch place. I can't make it to Yolks. Just. You can't count on me to come every week. I got the kid. The kid is your best thing here. The boyfriend, not so much the boyfriend. I, I think the boyfriend's a good reason. But I don't know if it's a helpful argument for you in this situation, because, you know, there's this, like, I think you're hurt by the, the feeling that, oh, you got a boyfriend, so you don't need us anymore, and now we're not a priority. It's like, no, it's just I'm trying to figure this thing out. I got this guy who's a nice guy, and I'm trying to, like, date him, and I don't want to, like, lose the momentum, and it's hard again. Like, I have this in my life where it's like, you, you have the choice between first date or go see friends. And if I said to my friends, hey, I got a first date that just popped up, they wouldn't, they wouldn't give a shit. They'd go, okay. But I don't, I don't know if it's, it can be the same. I'm just saying, I, I, I don't know what you feel you owe these friendships. And I don't want to be rude on say, I'm not that close anymore. I think, and this is the problem, I do think with this, like, tab, that sometimes, a lot of times, women run with each other in their friendships. It turns into this big, huge, dramatic breakup. Like, for you to say, I'm just not that close anymore. But the conversations are surface level, and I don't feel fulfilled after these gatherings. Like, that is like, that's a lot. Like, that's like an office, an email to a boss or to your subordinates. Like, I care about them, but don't feel the same connection. Like, I've never had to look that deeply into my friendships. There are friendships. I texted a guy today. There's a wedding coming up, one of my friends getting married. And the last time I saw this friend that's getting married was a year ago. We went and played golf, and in the middle of golf, I'm a dick. This is a good friend of mine that I care about deeply. I want to go to the wedding. I can't wait. The last I saw this friend was, we Played golf. And then we got, like, halfway through, and I'm like, fuck, I have a show. I have to go. And I made him leave a course that we spent a lot of money to play on. And anyone could tell that story and be like, wow, what a fucking dick Jared is. What friend would do that? But, you know, I don't know if he did. If the roles were reversed, I wouldn't. I would never tell the story that way. I would go. I was so happy to see my friend and get whatever time we could together. But I had. He had to go to a show. So I. It's all in how. It's just not that deep. The. So I'm bringing this up because, like, now, like, going to the wedding, like, we just get back in. Like, I don't think anyone's like, well, where you been the last year? Like, we all had our shit, so I don't think you have to say much. I think you can say, hey, guys. I think the next time the brunch comes up, hey, guys, I'm so sorry. I would do more of a. I would do more. Here's my company policy text. Then we need to have a breakup text. So here's how I would play it. Hey, what do you guys think of brunch at Yolks this weekend? Gonna get everyone together again. And this is to the group chat. Oh, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in. And then you could write, hey, I don't mean to be the buzzkill for these brunches. I'm dealing with a lot with a kid. I just started seeing a new guy, and I'm trying to give that some time. And I hope you guys can all understand why it's really tough for me to make something like this with the things I got going on. But I love being a part of this group chat. I love hearing the gossip, and hopefully I can make it to one of these in the future. And I. You know, I do this with shows. Maybe this is helpful. When people message me about show. I, like, I have people in my DMs are like, can you come do my bar show in Brooklyn this month? And, you know, I. And I look at it and I go, I don't know if I can make it. I don't know if I'll have the energy. And you know what I say to them? And maybe you could do this for the brunches. Hey, I don't know what my schedule's gonna look like that week. Can you follow up with me? That week. And then they go, no, no problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no problem. And I go and I say to them, if you need to move on and make a lineup without me, that's totally cool. And your show sounds awesome, but can you just follow up with me that week? I just don't know what the schedule is gonna be. And that's not like me saying I'm too big for it. That's not me saying. I'm just saying, I don't know yet. And then they get back to that week and I say, thank you so much for the offer. I can't do it. Can you please keep me in mind for the next one? It sounds like a lot of fun. That's my. And I've had people do that with me for a year. And then there's a guy specifically that I'm thinking of. I did a show last Tuesday at a place called Mary Lou's, and it was in. It was on St. Mark's. Cool restaurant, cool show. Joey Avery, really funny comic, he invited me to come do the show, and I went and did it. And listen, if you're listening right now, I think they do it every other Tuesday. They have two shows, a small room. Go. It was fun. It was cool. It was New York. There was a guy that said hi to me afterwards. He goes, hey, I've been messaging you about my show. And I think it was Jersey City or something. And I'm like. And I said, oh, dude. And I did remember. And he was like, yeah, I was like. And I said to him, I go, please keep messaging me like, I hope I can do it in the future. It's not because I don't want to do the show. And I think, again, this is a stranger, so it's easier for me to do. There's not this, like, backlog of 15 years of friendship. But I do think if you said it in those terms to 15 years of friendship, they would all get it and understand. And I do think again to go back to the way beginning of this email, when you cancel and then the brunch gets undone, you are giving permission to the people with less responsibilities to then undo the brunch. I do think you going does up the ante, and that's not really fair to you, but that's what happens. Oh, Stacy's coming. She doesn't have the kid. Oh, my God. Okay, cool. Okay. Okay. I. That. I gotta. I gotta go to this one. And then, oh, Stacy's out. Okay. So everyone else here has literally nothing but a plant that they water. So I guess I don't feel as bad about. I'm gonna back out, too, now that Stacy's out. So I. I think that is something to let you know that, like, you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself, and you shouldn't feel that pressure. And I get why you're feeling that. So that's it. I hope that was helpful. It's a mailbag Monday. We love a Monday mailbag. Keep sending yours in. Jtrain podcast gmail.com. love these emails. Different, fun, interesting. Back next week. Boom.