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The JTrain Podcast
I Saw Something on my Husband's Phone! What Should I Do? - MONDAY MAILBAG - The JTrain Podcast with Jared Freid
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It's a mailbag Monday. You got problems there? I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag Monday. Hello and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is Jay Train Jared Freeh coming to you live from Delray Beach, Florida. That's right, every Monday. It is a Mail Bag Monday, where you, the listener, email me the comedian, your advice questions. That's all you got to do. Send it to jtrain podcastmail.com or you can DM us@jtrain podcast. We're always looking at the DMS. We're always looking at the mailbag. We need your questions. That's how this show goes. You are the gasoline that makes the J Train drive. Woo. That was a smooth sentence I just said. Now listen, if you're in Winnipeg or know people in Winnipeg, Canada, I'm taking like 17 flights to get there. Tell a friend, tell a friend, tell a coworker, tell any of your Canadian friends to come to the shows. Four shows in Winnipeg. I'm excited to go because I've never been, but I'm getting word that we need, need some people. I, I didn't like, listen, I didn't book Winnipeg thinking I had this like huge fan base there, but I thought there would be more people. Okay, Winnipeg, get your tickets. Also, you know, I got a lot more show. Kansas City, Kansas City. That's coming up. Kansas City. If you know anyone in the Kansas City area. If you are in the Kansas City area, assemble the group chat. Also YouTube, YouTube, YouTube. I'm putting up stand up every Saturday on YouTube. Go to, just search Jared Freed. Subscribe to my channel. Hit a, like, make a comment. I, I saw the YouTube. It is amazing when you have a YouTube audience, they are with you. I mean, Dan Soder episode, which was a great episode of Chit Chat Wednesday, that thing like more views and comments that I've ever seen, but they're like YouTube people. They're like, I go where Dan Soder goes. So I'm trying to build that there. Maybe I'm just screaming into an empty cave with this YouTube stuff. Other announcements, go to my website for shows. Jared free.com I got two emails here and I'm, I'm post gym and coffee pre breakfast, which I think is my optimal time of day. Like I'm trying to figure out when do I really, you know, when am I at my best. I just had something happen that I'll probably put on TikTok and talk about on coffee or J Train trying to buy a car. It has been the weirdest experience I've ever had trying to give people my money. Like, I've. I've never had a more difficult. And. And my. I talked to the baby who's our movie reviewer here, and he was like, their whole game is to make you feel like you don't know you have no footing. And I'm like, I think he's right. It's weird to think that. And it's like, why not just say, here's the amount the car costs? I mean, like, I. I honestly just want to see, like, a documentary on what the spread is. Like, if the car caught you, you know, if you. If. Is it $10,000 that you could be making from making a sale and making someone feel off? I don't know. I don't know. This is all ticked off Tuesday. I should be talking about it on that show. Okay, so two emails, two sponsors. Go check out the YouTube. Come to a show. That's really all I've got. Otherwise, let's get to the emails. Oh, I have three emails. Okay, so we'll do email sponsor, email sponsor, and send yours in. J train podcast, gmail.com. it's a Monday morning. Football is here. I mean, like, this is the best time of year. This is the time of year where I feel like my heart is being hugged. That's my douchey line. Some people like they're my person. Live, laugh, love, not mine is heart hugging. That's how I feel during this time of year. All right, Jared, longtime listener. They. They actually wrote Jared ltl, longtime listener. Then they put it in parentheses, which I appreciate. LTL is a pretty. Ltl, longtime listener. I love that I wrote this message to you guys while he was my boyfriend. He now my husband, and the problem still exists. So maybe they sent it to you up and now it has trickled down the vine to your boy J Train on the J Train podcast. I'm okay with that. I love my husband and his family, but I'm struggling with their family group chat. Oof. This is a tough one. The group chat, how you handle it, knowing when it's on, knowing when to get involved, knowing to not get offended. Especially the family group chat is different generations. So the mix of generations and how we respond to texts and what, you know, exclamation points we use. And, you know, millennials are just known for softening texts, putting an LOL at the end to let people know, I'm laughing, everything's okay. Your boomer parents are not going to do that. So I Do understand the struggle of not. And then on top of all of that, you're on another family's family group chat. Yeah. You're married to this guy, but this is a different dynamic that isn't your family. And I think we make the mistake. We're like, oh, I'll marry to this guy, or I'm married to this woman. I should just be on the group chat and Cool. No, no, no. That's not how it works. I don't care how close you are. Group chat. This is literally another planet. You've. You've. You've landed on. On their family group chat. Okay. I love my husband and his family, but I'm struggling with their family group chat. I was added four years into our relationship. That's late. I think that's late. Four years in. I think four years in. Okay. Four years in. I would expect you to already be married kind of, I guess. I don't know, maybe depending on what age. I don't want to put my judgments on you. That. That was judgy. And while I appreciate the connection, the chat is incredibly active. Well, my family group chat involves my brother. My. So it's my brother and I, my mom and dad, and then my brother's wife. She's been on it. She was probably on it like a year into their relationship, and that's when they moved in together. So that makes sense. It's active when it's active, but it's dormant. When it's dormant. I don't think it's not this continuous slow drip. So I don't know. But. Okay. The daily barrage of messages. Daily. I would say my family group chat might be daily, now that I think about it. But I don't think of it as a barrage. But I would have to ask my brother's wife if she feels it's too much. But my brother's on her family group chat, and I don't know if he. If he's. I don't know what their activity's like, but he's never mentioned that their activity's more or less than ours. So maybe we're on the same page activity wise, but. Okay. This is a great email, by the way. The daily barrage of messages, primarily from his sisters, is overwhelming. This makes sense. This makes sense. Women do be gossiping. I'm just saying. I. I don't know. Maybe I. It makes sense that the sisters are, you know, chatty Cathy's. Okay. I've tried leaving the chat twice, only to be re. Added. I. That was. You came Here. Too late. Leaving the family group chat. I mean, you are a stronger person than I am. I would just mute it and get to it when I get to it. I'm sure. And listen, I'm not above the idea of like, I can't handle a notification just sitting on my phone. I am that way with Instagram. If I see a dm, I have to look at it. It just sits in my brain. So I understand if you're like, I don't. I can't mute it because then the number's down there and I just hate seeing that number. I. I can empathize with that. But leaving twice and then be. Re. Is. Is. And if you're around my age, I can't believe you've left twice. This is. That's. That's stronger than me. I've muted the notifications. The persistent red. Okay, I've muted the notifications. The persistent red badge indicating unread messages forces me to open the chat just to clear the notification, which is frustrating. Okay, so you and I are very much alike where you just don't like seeing that number. I've jokingly mentioned to his sisters that I'm not a fan of group chats, but they don't seem to get the hint. You know, they don't care. They're saying, but it's our group chat. We're funny, we're awesome. This is my family. You know, family stuff is, is. Is inherently narcissistic. Narcissistic. I know this because I go on the road, I do shows, and I talk about my family everywhere I go. You should see our family. No, your family is the same as my family. That's why you enjoyed the show. I'm just better at telling the story than you are. So no family is different. Everybody Loves Raymond is a great show because everyone goes, that's my family. That's my mom, that's my brother. Or you know, someone who's like that family. So it's not that far of a track to get to relatability. So your sister in laws are narcissists, but like anyone else's, they're not. This isn't like in the way I am in the way you are, but they're. They're thinking, well, we're funny. It's our family. Yeah, it's a lot of texts, but it's us. That's what they're thinking. Their messages range from complaining about daily issues, politics, sharing random thoughts, and baby photos, which I also see on social media. One sister gets mad at my husband if he doesn't respond to her baby photos a lot. See, I'm like, I'm with the evil stepsisters because it's the family group chat. If this is what I have to deal with to like make other thing, like to make the. I, I don't know. I'm one of those. I, I am a pe. I, I guess I hate saying this because it sounds like you're patting yourself on the back, but I am a people pleaser where I'm like, But I'm also like a favors trader. I believe in the trading of favors. To me, there is a certain favor of like, I'm cool in this group chat so that I can complain about other things. One sister gets mad at my husband if he doesn't respond to her baby photos. Who has the time to text and respond all day? I'm going to give you feedback. That line ain't going to work, ain't going to fly that you're taking. I'm with you. It's annoying. I'm willing to sit here and go, yeah, these sisters are up their own ass and think that everyone has the same amount of time that they have to get back to their stupid baby photos. When you say who has the time to text and respond all day? Everyone. Everyone. Everyone. You are not more busy, less busy than the next person. And it doesn't matter what they do. CEO, mom, lawyer, doctor, listen, comedian. I'm on my phone all day, okay? I'm not the. Who has the time to text all day. That's an opinion that has no math to it. That puts you morally above other people. I'm going to say that's a bad line. I would get a get rid of it in your argument. I appreciate that they want to feel. I appreciate that they want me to feel included. But how can I permanently remove myself from the chat and communicate that I'm not interested in being added back in? I don't know. I don't believe I should hear my in laws every waking thought of the day. I. Your argument isn't great. Let's go back to being excited about seeing each other and catching up on holidays. Sincerely happy to be left out of the chat. Listen, I'm sitting here having the conversation with you. I, I'm going to tell you, like, it's, this is hard because. And what you're doing, you're professionally complaining. You're making sure that you should be agreed with. There's a difference. And I, and I find this with like discussions with people in My everyday life. Are we here to talk or are you here to win right now? Your arguments are made to win. I'm here to give you feedback on how you sound when you say permanently remove myself from the chat. Who has time to text and respond all day? I don't believe I should hear my in laws every waking thought of the day. Like, yeah, we all agree with you, but we have to, in good company, we have to go, yeah, I don't. Nobody wants to hear their in laws. And like, you know, I see this in. I see this. I just posted something and I talked a little about this on coffee with J Train a couple weeks ago. I did a post on TikTok and I'm just saying, this is what I notice. I did a post on TikTok and the TikTok post and I haven't put it on Instagram yet because honestly, like, I hated the, the taste I got from the commenters. I didn't like it. It made me feel badly. And I'm being open and honest with you. I'm a generally happy guy. I got my problems again. I, I love doing this podcast. I love doing TikTok Tuesday. I love doing things on the Internet. Every now and again, I get a taste from the commenters that I go, I don't know what to do with that. And I've. And I've let this roll around in my brain a little bit and it gave me, you know, it brings me down. I, I'll. I'll be honest. Okay. The post was about my mom. I'm at dinner with my mom and my dad and their friend, and we're at their club, which again, couldn't be luckier. We are living the dream. And they live in a country club. They live in a community. So we're at the club. We're at. We're at dinner. My dad and I go to the table first. My dad says, she is not going to like this table. I. And I pull out the phone. I'm like, this will be fun. Let's make a bet. I think she's going to stay at this table. My dad thinks she's going to leave the table. And then I'm taping her walking up the table. I actually missed the first minute of her. She immediately walked up, was like, no, no, no, not, not this table. Not going to happen. And which is funny, and which is annoying, which is, you know, which is family to me. I'm like, this is a relatable thing. Parent wants to move the table. Fine. So I tape it and my parents are close with the people who work at the club. It seems as though they like them back in the way my parents love them. My parents love the people who work at the club that they go to. Now that could be one sided. Maybe all the people that work in the club are good actors. That could be the case. But they're pretty good actors because they seem to like my parents too. But again, that's me being like your sister in laws. That's me being narcissist me. It's us, we're fun. But I think I, I think that's the only way you can go through life and, and leave the house on a daily basis. If you don't have a little touch of that, you have to have some awareness. You have to be able to say yes, we're annoying, but in that lovable way. And that's where the delusion and the reality kind of get mixed into this Slurpee. Fine. This is all to say I put up this video. The comments that were crazy. They were. The staff hates your family. They talk about you when you come in. They hate you. Like it wasn't even asking that question. Which and, and here's the thing. As, as me, a human just like you would do because just ignore the comments is not really a good response. I go look at these profiles and there's something in common with all these people that are specifically negative. The ones that, the ones that commented in such a gross way that made me go who is this person? They don't seem to have a lot of family pictures. They don't seem to have a lot of. It's, you know, it's the, the group of people who are like no contact with family and the, the ones that are everything is negative and it's. The world is a miserable hellscape for them. And, and I feel even worse. And this isn't me saying if you disagree with changing a table you're a miserable fucking. It's how you write that or it's what moved you to comment that on a random post. And I, I and, and some of it leaned into. Because I did hashtag Jewish parents, which is something I do when it's. My parents leaned into a. In the world of tastes like antisemitism to me. So it was all those things. But I, I noticed that these accounts that couldn't have capacity for a parent who is being a parent and being a little annoying and couldn't see the relatability they really didn't seem to have much in the form of family content and love and happiness on their pages. So this brings me back to you on the group chat. I think my feedback to you and listen, you might get different advice. There might be someone. My feedback to you is to mute and let it happen. And this isn't the war you're going to win. They've already re added you twice. They want you there. They love you in a way that wants to include you. I think this, you get the good with the bad. That's an old saying for a reason. Because if you want you, you know, you say, I don't believe I should hear my in laws every waking thought of the day. Let's go back to being excited about seeing each other and chatting up on holidays. I think you only get the holidays and the warmth and the beauty of the holidays and the love and the. It takes, you know, things you want, take hard work. And this is the hard work in my belief, and that's my belief system. We can disagree. I'm not trying to win against you. I'm just offering a perspective of. I mean, I'm thinking of what just happened that I was referencing in the beginning of this podcast. I, I like, I deal with like 100 million things a day or a day. I deal with like wincing moments once a day from my parents. But with that, you get the fun stories, you get the laughs, you get to give them shit. You don't just get to have the family experience of your dreams without the work that goes in now, you might say, this isn't the work I want to do. Fine. I'm just saying this is the work they're offering. They don't even know it's work. They think what they're doing is perfectly normal and fine and they like hearing it. I think if you stay on the group chat and someone says, where's the comment on my baby picture? If staying in the group chat allows you to say to that sister, hey, that's ridiculous. You're a ridiculous person. Taking the shit from my mom allows me to look at her and go, are you crazy? You can't look at someone and say, are you crazy? When you only pop in on holidays. You didn't earn that. So to me, I'm offering. I don't think I'm giving you advice that you haven't thought of, which is like, you already muted them. I'm just trying to give you feedback on how you sound. You sound like you're not one of those miserable fucks that I reference, but you're on the spectrum. You're, you're, you're, you're creeping towards them. I don't and be and now and what you're saying isn't wrong in the same way they weren't wrong. You can't just stay at a table. You have to bother the people at the restaurant. That's why I felt bad. I'm like, yeah, I guess we can't stay at a table. I guess we are bothering them. I don't no one changed the table because it made someone's life harder. No one's texting the family group chat because they know it makes you miserable. This is my perspective. I'm willing for you to say I mean of course you wrote in for to hear me out. That's let me be heard. So we're sponsored. I posted on my Instagram speaking of social media, a Tommy John underwear campaign. You can see me in the Tommy Johns. It is a black and white photo. I feel ridiculous for posting an underwear. Basically I called out the underwear industry for not being body inclusive for men and they Tommy John answered the call. Here's what I'll say about the Tommy John underwear. 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Feather. Feather. Longtime listener, love the daily format. Thank you. I love doing it. Also tune into betches for you up with Jordana. You're the best. Thank you truly. You guys have gotten me through a divorce, multiple breakups and single life and I feel like we are friends. We are 35 female. I have a weird thing happening that has never happened on my hinge lately and it's not new pictures of anything. I don't know. Did I just have a brain fart? I have a weird thing happening that has never happened on my hinge lately and it's not new pictures of anything. Okay. After years on being on the apps, multiple guys in the last two months have come out after. Oh, so they're saying it's not a different picture, it's something else. Okay. After years of being on the apps, multiple guys in the last two months have come straight out and said you look fun. Would you want to be friends with benefits? Not looking for anything serious right now. Okay. Had just right out with it. Oh, so they're saying they haven't changed their pictures. Nothing has changed from their end but they've seen a change from the male end which I appreciate their honesty and even took one of them up on the offer. We all have needs, you know. Daddy train listen. Good for you, good for them. Everyone you know, everyone's happy. What is happening? Is this a new trend? Is my profile giving off this vibe somehow? Do you do this? Let me know your thoughts. Can't wait to see you next for the third time next year when you're in my city. Well, thank you so much. I don't do this. I can so I'll speak to the general temperature of the room and I, you know, you know, I just told a whole story about commenters and I hate giving too much bandwidth to this. But I tend to believe that if I feel something, everyone's feeling a version of that. Again, my 10% theory. I'm 10% away from the guys you're dealing with. I do think I'm on TikTok and I see videos of. I went out with this guy and he was a total monster. And I thought I was getting one thing and it turned into another thing. And those are getting major views. There's. Are we dating the same guy? Facebook groups, which my profile has been put up in for no other reason than someone looking to trash me with all their friends. I had someone create a fake story that we went on a date and said all these things that. About my family and. And exes I've had and all these things that were just not true. And it was fan fiction. It was to rally the troops to not like me. Now I'm very lucky. People came to my defense. They took down those posts. I'm saying, this is out there. This is. And I'm not. Just because I'm a public person and putting my stuff out there, I. I'm not the only one feeling that. So to me, what has changed the atmosphere, there is a. And there's also like a men versus woman thing going on. I just went on Jay Shetty with Jordana. We had a great time, great conversation. It got very serious. There was like a comment like, and I'm being vulnerable. I'm opening up. I'm saying there's, you know, I. I'm having trouble committing. It's tough for me to get over three months. And, you know, you get into the male loneliness thing. And I'm telling you what a man is feeling. I'm not comparing plights. I do think the female plight, especially straight female plight, is a more agreeable one on social media because all women will tell you, I'm just looking to settle down and be in love and be with a partner. And then the men are going on here going, can I just find a friends with benefits? I listen, I'm not trying. I'm not comparing plights. But if I was forced to, I could understand why a woman who wants to find a relationship has a plight that she doesn't want to hear from. The male plight. I can understand that. But I'm giving you my emotional state because I can only speak for myself. I'm not going to speak for other people. Did I just speak for other people? I don't think I did. I'm just saying I can see that plight if it's told to me. So to come back to your question, you know, oh, so I see a comment, there's a woman and she's repeating something she's heard other people get likes on. She says something like, I don't think men are lonely enough. And that's a, that's someone who's angry that they're saying how they feel about dating. And they're saying, well, that feeling isn't as bad as my feeling. My feelings are more worthy of, of pity, I guess, are more worthy of being heard than yours. So if I'm seeing that and I'm talking to you, I'm in this conversation. I'm the one you got. I think men who aren't talking about this are seeing a version of this feeling this and they're saying, I don't want to be a dick. I don't want to be in a long term relationship. I don't want to waste anyone's time. Do you want to be friends? I'm looking for friends with benefits. If you are not looking for that, move on. This is something that, you know, would, could be defendable on social media if you went to TikTok to make a look at how crazy these men are these days. I'm happy you brought it here because I think, and you even say, I appreciate their honesty. That's the, that's what they're kind of leaning on. So I do think it has to do with the atmosphere and the weather of the dating climate. It has become men versus women. So I'm going to be quoted in an article for the cut they interviewed. I got reached out to by the cut. The person, the interviewer, the, the writer of the article was very nice. I'm a little anxious about it coming out because the cut gets passed around and I've, I've seen men in dating articles get crushed on there before. I was honest in the way I'm honest with you here and on you up. I was in between flights. I was tired. I mean, at one point, you know, we had a real discussion over the phone as I'm boarding blank and I appreciated the writer, she was great. But they, the, the article is that they polled men on how they, they were kind of trying to figure out male opinions on dating. And the one thing she said that it was very interesting and is frustrating as a comedian. She's like, I went and watched your special and you are saying exactly what these men are saying in these polls. You are literally saying what they, what their problems are, how they're feeling, where they're at and I, I was proud of that because she watched 37 single and this is before it got taken off of Netflix. And then I'm also frustrated. I'm like, that's why it should still be on Netflix. That's why more people should have watched it. But so that's my opinion on your qu A great question. Listen, my, my advice and you're doing it. Believe them. Don't hear well now, if they say anything about friends with benefits, that's all they're looking for. Not anything more. It's not going to get better. Let that be. That's just not going to happen. Don't even count on that. 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I mean this is we're going long today on Chitchat Wednesday or Chit Chat Wednesday on Mailbag Monday. Listen, this is going to be me asking you to share this show, share this podcast. Let someone know about it if you're still listening. Now you're having a good time. Jay Train I've been married to my husband for eight years, together for 10. Last year in March, I found out he was having an emotional affair with a woman he went to school with. When I found out, I reached out to the woman to get all the information. She confirmed they never saw each other in person. It was all through the phone. Still. I kicked him out. But eventually after a month, I let him come back. I explained to him that if he came back he would have to share his phone password with me and if I asked at any time would have to show me his phone until the trust was built back. I don't know if that's the correct way to go. I, I, I don't know. Listen, I'm not a marriage therapist. I'm not a, I'm not professional. I'm just a guy in his kitchen talking to you over this weird thing called the Internet. And I just think whenever the password thing comes up, as you know, I, I think that's a magician showing you his right while doing things with his left. I, I think that's just a band aid on a flesh wound. I hope you guys are, you know, I think marriage counseling and things like that are probably good solutions to your problem. I don't know how you get trust back. I don't know how that gets built. I don't know if you can ever forget. I don't know if you can forgive. I don't know. I don't know. I don't even know what the text said, the password thing when I, you know, as I taste it again. I've used that metaphor a lot. I'm not going to do the mouth thing again. I don't know if that's going, it feels like a short term solution to a long term problem. Well, last night we were watching a movie on his laptop and when it was done and he minimized the screen, I saw a weird picture in the corner. I Asked him what it was, and he slammed the computer shut. Password privileges. Password privileges. Like, what did she do, throw a flag? Like, it's a challenge flag? He said it was probably a picture of one of his friends and I asked to see it. He pushed back on. He pushed back on this and asked me what I needed to see on the computer. Oh, I mean, dude, it's over. I explained this is like the lights coming on. And I'm not trying to laugh at your problem. I'm just saying, like, the reaction is like, you've been caught once you came back. I don't know. I. You know, that's the thing with a liar. You always think you can lie. There's. Because you come back, you go, here's my password again, the magician. Here's my left hand doing with his right, you know, he moved from the phone to the laptop, you know. So I asked him what it was. He slammed the computer shut. He said it was probably a picture of one of his friends and I asked to see it. He pushed back on this and asked me what. I asked me what I needed to see on the computer. I just said the picture that was weird in the corner. I explained I just wanted to see the picture. And he got angry. So then I said, well, now I want to look through everything. And he lost his mind, was screaming at me, telling me I'm so dumb. He eventually opened his laptop and handed it to me. He told me I can go through it, but Saturday. He told me I can go through it, but sat right next to me while I did. I found nothing in the picture really was of his friend. I asked why his reaction was so crazy if he had nothing to hide. Again, was yelling at me, told me he was going to leave. I was so taken back. Well, listen, this sounds like a very serious issue and you should speak to a professional. You should go to a therapist. You guys. Marriage counseling sounds like a. That's like something you should do. I will say this anger is from fear and he's fearful of getting caught for something you don't just get. And then he'll use the moral high ground of like, why do you need to see the. Do you not trust me? He will try and again. Difference between winning and disgusting. He's going to try and win and by saying not nice things to you that make you question yourself to me. Hey, I saw a picture. What is that? We have a past of infidelity. Emotionally, I have a right to ask these questions. I want to meet. I want to feel good about Our relationship. Here you go. Here's the picture. Should have been the answer, and it wasn't. So I asked why his reaction was so crazy if he had nothing to hide. Again, was yelling at me, told me he was going to leave. And then the threatening to leave because you've already taken him back. So he's seen that you can't handle when he leaves eventually. Later that night, we were laying in bed and he apologized for yelling at me. Okay, I apologized to him for being unsure about our relationship. Or it says insure. It might be insecure. I don't know. Unsure about our relationship, but reminding him of the promise he made to me. He told me he gets it, but didn't understand why I had to go through his stuff over a picture I saw of his friend. That should be the most understandable thing to me. I don't understand what he doesn't understand. I saw a text with another woman where we were broken up for a month. When you came back, you have to understand that I am going to be triggered by things I don't recognize on your phone because that has led to us having marital issues before. It's a straight line that he isn't acknowledging again. He told me he gets it, but didn't understand why I had to go through his stuff over a picture I saw of his friend. It is now the next day. Day, and he is still acting angry with me. Well, I'm sorry this is happening. I mean, this is a serious problem. The yelling is. You know. You know, I don't. I. I think you got to be safe. And I think you gotta. They write my. I don't know. I. I'm not a professional. I think you need a professional to get involved. I think you. I think also, and I've said this for other, more serious emails that I've gotten here and on you up. Tell people, tell your family, tell your friends what you're going through. And I. I think sometimes you want to keep this a secret and sending this into a podcast. It's still a secret because I don't know you. I don't have your email address. I don't have anything. I. I get these. Put on a, you know, a deck for me to read. And I read them as. As you hear them. They write. My question is, if he didn't have anything to hide, why. Why the reaction? Why not comply and show me I was wrong? Instead of screaming at me, I said this in the beginning. I've already answered this question. He's fearful that you're Going to find other things. To me, this is someone who's like, I, I just, I would only feel angry that someone wanted to look at my phone. If I had something to hide on my phone, that's me. But to go back to the beginning of the email, you've put a band aid on a flesh wound. This needs stitches. This needs real doctor's attention. I am not a real doctor. I am not a professional. You need a professional person to get involved. I, and to say, like, well, I have the passwords or things are good. I don't think that's the answer. I think, I think the one way to go at this is, hey, we, you know, it feels like you're still angry. I'm still upset. Can we talk about therapy? Can we talk about a marriage counselor? Can we, can we talk about, you know, the options to figuring this out? But again, I, I do like, I, if someone raises their voice to you and, and is your husband. I know, but I, I, I think you got to tell family and friends too. I think make this a public thing. Yeah, we're having problems and that's okay. Most people have problems. We're having problems. I saw someone. He was texting with some woman. And now when I see things on the phone, it makes me get this weird sinking feeling in my stomach. And then he's getting mad at me that I'm feeling that way. To me, it's a straight line. Do you think he's hiding something and I just wasn't able to find it? I'm at a loss. I don't know. I think chances are better that he's hiding something that he's not. I think to me, again, if you listen to the beginning of this podcast on a way more fun subject about the family group chat, read how that email was written. To me, that email is a version of you're crazy for wanting to look at my phone. It's taking this moral high ground that makes you question yourself. What in law needs to tell me every waking thought? None, but they do. That's life. You can't control how other people are going to come at you. You can only control yourself. So your questions, I think I have answered, but I think more importantly, it's about getting professionals involved. I'm not a professional. It's about. And, and you're looking to answers to questions. And I, I'll say your question is, does he have something to hide? I don't know. But your marriage is fucked. So, so these are. One is like the symptom you know, I don't know. There's a, there's a, someone who's better at words than I am would be able to say it better than I could. But I'm saying this is not a is there someone else problem. This is a, this is a whole bigger issue that you're looking beyond to try and solve the crime. I think you got to try and fix the foundation before you get to the windows of the house. You know, I, I again, analogy. Analogy. A metaphor. Metaphor. I'm just saying let's get the pros involved, let's get a professional. I, I, I would err on the side of there's something to hide. I think the, you're not talking about other things that are wrong. It's just this, you're only bringing up, oh, I saw a picture. And then, you know, he feels, and again, like let's say he has nothing to hide. Let's say that picture was nothing. He has nothing on his computer. There's nothing that you shouldn't be able to see. And his whole thing is that he doesn't feel trusted by you. How would he ever be surprised by that? When you had this eight year marriage that he was texting with someone else from high school that you reached out to, you have other things that have happened. So to not acknowledge that you have some PTSD from this huge thing that happened in your life and now you need to work back from that, that's a problem. Even without anything being on his phone. So that takes a professional to weigh in on jtrainpodcast at gmail. Com back next week. Boom.