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The JTrain Podcast
I'm Making A Dating App Profile! What's Your Number One Piece Of Advice? - MAILBAG MONDAY
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It's a mailbag. Munder. You got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag Monday. Hello and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is J Train Jared Freed coming live from Delray Beach, Florida. That's right, every Monday is a mail Bag Monday, where you, the listener, email me the comedian for advice, perspective, thoughts. That's what I'm here for. I'm just here to look at your problem and just say, here's what I see in the most unbiased way. Because I. I mean, I have my own biases. They are mine, but they're not because I know you or looking you in the face or have to deal with you being like, well, what do you mean? No, no, no. I get your email, I read it over and I give it to you straight right from the horse's mouth. This is the horse. So listen, if you want to be a part of Mailbag Monday, all you got to do is email J Train podcast gmail.com. that's JTrain podcast@gmail.com. i'm sitting here, Delray Beach. I'm in my. I'm. I'm starting to get the apartment together. You can hear all about my new apartment and the move and starting to get all my stuff in here and feel comfortable. And, you know, I'm trying to make a little bit of a studio space in the place. So this is. All right, now we're in what will be a studio taping. You can see a little piece of it. If you go on Instagram and follow at J Train Podcast, that's just a good thing to follow because you're going to be able to get reminders. You know, I'm not really sitting here being like, listen. Every day you got to listen to my podcast. You know, this is a daily show. You're gonna get like a 20 minute episode every day. It's gonna be different themes. And there might be days that you sign in for, there's other days you might sign out for, or you might just follow the Instagram account and you see, oh, that's a cool topic. Let's hear what Jared has to say about that. So follow at J Train Podcast. If you are in Royal Oak, Michigan, Columbus, Ohio, I am coming to your town. Assemble the group chat. If you are in San Diego or Orlando, I'm coming to your town too. Philadelphia. There's like 40 tickets left for Philly and then Baltimore is coming. These are all fast approaching. I mean, I can't believe it. Is December 1st. I mean, I hate when people say that. I hate when I say that. But you do have these moments. You go, December 1st, one month left. This is it holiday season. So I have three emails in front of me. One has screenshots. We love screenshot emails. So keep sending yours in J train podcast@gmail.com and check out the YouTube. We're putting on behind the scenes footage right now. If you're listening to this is probably Chicago, Minneapolis and Milwaukee. All the behind the scenes you can see Milwaukee where I ate cheese curds. Minneapolis, where I ate breakfast at Al's Breakfast, famous breakfast place. And then in Chicago I went to the Green Mill, which is like an Al Capone hangout where they have a show at 3 o' clock on a Saturday. I did that show at the bar before I did my theater show in Chicago at the Riviera. So you can see, you know, the yin and the yang of doing stand up comedy. So go, go, go. YouTube and all that stuff. I'm, I'm. I feel like I'm preaching to the choir. So let's get to the show. I got three emails. The first has screenshots. We love your screenshot emails, Jared. I'm a benefit subscriber and o I am a benefit subscriber and OGJ train listener. Love the new YouTube BTS. Thank you. I'm just looking for a sanity check on a recent dating situation. No problem. I'm a 32 year old single woman. Welcome to the show. A guy. A guy from my past. This is important. Sometimes I think something. Some things ring important to me. A guy from my past. That's very important. A guy from my past reached out with a. We should grab drinks now. Is it a guy you've hooked up with? Is it a guy you dated? Is it a guy that there had to be an ending with? Those are all very different guys from the past. If it's friend from the past, it's way different than guy I hooked up with a couple of times from the past and it's way different than guy I dated. We had an ending and now he's back. Because all of them have different levels of what we should do next. A guy from my past reached out with a. Should grab drinks with a. Let me read that again. A guy from my past reached out with a quote unquote. We should d. Why can I not read today? A guy from my past reached out with a quote. We should grab drinks. I gave a vague. Sure. Sounds like there's a weird history with that, sure. He immediately made a plan and we went. We went to high school together, but we're never friends. In our mid-20s, we randomly meet up for flirt, make out. Very casual. Okay, the date was great. Hours together, second location, then hanging at my place. No sex, but strong chemistry and very PG13 physical stuff. I left excited. He texted the next morning about his hangover. We exchanged a couple messages, then nothing. By Wednesday I reached out, which led to the screenshots. He mentioned a V. He mentioned value. Okay, let me go to the screenshots. Okay, I'll read both parts. This is from her. Happy Wednesday. How's your week going with a camel? Because it's hump day. Hey. Hey. Happy Wednesday, ma'. Am. It's going well. Monday and Tuesday sucked, but got an Aderall today, so that's good. How's your week going? Got my drugs, so things are going good now. Oh my God. Jelly of the Addy. Okay, I guess you guys have something in common. I've been struggling to focus this week. I took half a day yesterday simply just because why did Monday and Tuesday suck? Love that. And just work related stuff to some extent. But also felt guilty like I took advantage of our Friday night. But also felt guilty like I took advantage of our Friday night. I don't understand that. I wanted to catch up and grab drinks, not necessarily go back to your house. Okay. But it happened. I don't regret having fun and hanging out. I regret the aggressiveness on my end and then it bothered me and that bothered me a bit mentally. I value a friendship with you more than trying to get involved romantically. Especially night one. Okay, so this is him pulling back. I, I, this is him saying I am not sure, but I know that I have to be sure to continue this, that that is what this is to me. Alcohol and weed got the best of me for sure and should have acted a little bit more mature with better character, that's all. Well, he's talking like he did something dangerous and offensive. But you considering your email. Considering what? I know it sounds like this was a two consenting adults that had a great night and went back to your place and had a PG13 hookup as you described to me. He's putting way larger words and descriptions on this to kind of fend you away to get you to like back off. That would be my assessment so far. I get it. But really, you're good. Haha. See, she's even like whoa, this language is way more serious than I would have ever thought our night could have been described. I definitely didn't feel taken advantage of. It was a fun night and I enjoyed hanging out. I'm sorry you've been stressing out about it though. I know, I know. I just get revved up and testosterone is hard to shut off. Hahaha. It's okay. Work was like 80% of the stress. But still, I appreciate you being understanding. It sounds like he got a little drunk, maybe blurred out. It sounds like he got a little drunk, like browned out where he remembered some things, didn't remember others. His anxiety from the hangover got the best of him. He felt he had to put a bigger description on what happened so that he could apologize and let you know that he didn't really feel great about what happened. And now this is where we're at right now. But I I it feels very much. I'm walking away. Totally get it. No worries at all. So work was like 80% of the stress, but still I appreciate you being understanding. Totally get it. No worries at all. Blushing face emoji. Glad this week's easing up a bit for you. I just want to move to Costa Rica and live on the water and fish. Lol. That's out of left field. This guy. If you're looking for serious, I think you gotta exit stage left. Anyone who texts you, I just want to move to Costa Rica and live on the water and fish. Lol. They're not looking for something serious. They're not ready for the next step. They don't know what if. What? They don't know if what they're doing today is even what they want to be doing. They don't know what tomorrow brings. And they're pretty sure it better not involve having to be responsible for someone else and their feelings. She writes, the way I've contemplated dropping everything and moving somewhere tropical to be a bartender and get and and live a little. The way I've contemplated dropping everything and moving somewhere tropical to be a bartender and live in a little beach bungalow with my pups. Lol. Yeah, that would be the life he writes. Okay, so to me, you know, when you say back, oh, I would love to be a bartender at the beach, but also I'd love to go on more dates with you and see what this could be and maybe move in together and maybe get engaged and maybe get a mortgage and maybe be stuck in this town forever where we can just live together and have kids and die, you know, and, and be buried in graves with us holding hands or the beach. Or I could be a bartender in a little beach bungalow. Like, I know what you're saying. Like, you want a vacation at the beach with a guy that you've been seeing a while. He has no idea what he wants at all, and that's why he's randomly saying to you, I'm sorry. The testosterone in me takes control, and all of a sudden I gotta be making out with someone and maybe I'll move to Costa Rica. This guy's confused. He doesn't know what he wants. And, you know, there's a spectrum on everything. But I'll go back to your email, you know, but before I go back to your email, when guy from past reaches out who you've made out with, so he knows you are a kind landing spot. It could either be, I've got my stuff together, the timing's right, I need to be with you, or it could be, I don't know what I'm doing. Oh, this chick thinks I'm hot. She made out with me once. Let me get a you little hit of dopamine from this woman that I had a thing with. I, I, I. It could be one or the other. And I know, I appreciate that you saw saw it out, but okay, so he mentioned valuing a friendship, which is funny because we've never been friends. Lol. Yeah. No, no, no. These are just words that doesn't mean anything. My read, he reached out from curiosity and nostalgia. The night got more intimate than expected, and the next day he realized he didn't want anything romantic, so he did some damage control because of shared circles. I'm not reaching out again. I just want to know if that tracks that. Not really. To me, this is more, I think, the shared circles thing, not as important as tempering your expectations to me. His reach out, his. He reached out because you were someone he made out with in the past. He saw, he probably saw your Instagram, went down the rabbit hole of looking at all your pictures and then was like, hey, why don't I reach out? I'm a little lonely. And he knew because of the makeout guys. And this is a very me thing. This is a male, I think this is a male thing where if you made out with us once, we think you'll make out with us forever. That is part delusion. That's part overconfidence, but that is just how a lot of men think. So you were a safe space to reach out and see about drinks. And you'd probably say yes, and then you'd go out and maybe you'd make out and Then he goes back to your place and he's like, oh, no, did I write a check I can't cash because maybe I can move to Costa Rica tomorrow and live by the beach and I can't really be in a relationship. Yes, Men start at nothing and then jump ahead 30 steps from where you are. You're like, let's go on date, too. And he's like, she's gonna want day two and then day three, and then we're married, and then I'm stuck, and I don't even know if I like her. That's where he's at. He's freaking out. Last thing, I rarely get excited about dates, so this was a bummer. I relate when you talk about how relationships can complicate life. I always say, the only thing that could mess up my life right now is a relationship. I want one, but only if it's worth it. Would love your honest opinion on a great connection. Sometimes isn't enough. Feather, Feather. I. To me, great day and great connection are two different things. I appreciate you had a great time with someone that you have a lot in common with and a lot of history with, whether you want to admit that or not. You guys know you said you, my day was great. We went to high school together. So you know the same streets, you know the same teachers, you have the same people in common, whether you were friends or not. You can still talk crap about Rando A that was in your high school that everyone knew. You can still go to your Instagram and go, you know who I follow. So and so you know what they're doing. Can you believe they're a doctor? They were such a burnout. You can have those conversations that feel lived in. So you having a great day with this guy is totally understandable. Connection to me, great date, and whether I want to, like, keep this going. Connection. I don't know. I. I think there's a stretch between the two. I don't think he was feeling like, oh, my God, everyone's going to know. I think it's more. He's just like you said, the only thing that can mess up my life right now is a relationship. Well, he is way farther ahead than you. Went home together, got a little drunk. Maybe he felt that he forgot promises he made to you. You know, he's in his head going, what did I say? Did I say I go on day two, oh, my God, I'm not even ready for marriage. Oh, my God, kids. I can't afford that. And that would all sound insane to You. But I think that's where he's scrambling towards. So. And based on his text to me, you say, I'm not gonna text him again. I think that kind of opens you up to be texted by him because this guy's so non committal and just doesn't know what he wants. Because this guy's so confused. I mean, based on his text, I mean, this guy is like really having a moment where he's like, doesn't know what he wants, doesn't know how he feels, knows I know two things. He thinks you're hot. And he's incredibly concerned with being able to like be strapped down into a relationship. And that's what he. I kind of translate the whole testosterone thing. Like, oh, I was overtaken with how into you I am that I totally forgot that you probably want a relationship. And that is literally the farthest thing on my mind considering that I'm looking at, you know, the Delta app for flights to Costa Rica, one way flights. So that is. So that's my read on the situation. I think this whole idea of like, you know, the whole idea. The night got more intimate than expected. The next day he realized he didn't want anything romantic. I think, you know, it's funny, like a lot of the women that write to me, it's like, oh, he's disgusted by me. No, no, no, no. That's the problem. He wants to be physical with you, but he also doesn't want to have to do the things that go with physical romance which involve commitment and knowing where you're gonna be in five and 10 years. And I think a lot of men think that way where it's like, okay, well if I don't have my five and ten year plan laid out, how could I be responsible for a woman? What am I gonna do? There's a little bit of delusion that goes with that, like, oh, I love will conquer all. We'll be fine. But I don't think he's thinking that way. J Train podcast@gmail.com. j Train podcast@gmail.com. jared, I want to ask a question. How do I stop myself from entertaining men who only want casual sex? We're going to get to that question right after we have one ad which support the sponsors if they can support you. I'm going to tell you right now this is a great time of year for factor meals. The holiday season can get busy, so finding time to cook can be tough. Save time and get a hot meal. 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How do I stop myself from entertaining men who only want casual sex? That is not possible. I'm, I'm sorry to inform you anyone you entertain is in the game for casual sex and I'm sorry to say that to you. I'm sorry, that might be jarring. I'm just saying that is generally what you're going to come in contact with now. Can you avoid the, you know, the, the people looking for casual sex? It might not be. I don't and again, when I say that, it makes it sound like men are out there like prowling the streets just looking for casual sex. No, that's not. I think you're dealing with a person who is willing to be physical and intimate with someone that they're not necessarily taking into consideration as a relationship. Does that mean they're not deserving or that they don't think that they deserve a relationship? That's not what they're thing. No man is thinking of women. Well, I'm not going to say none, but I don't think a generally, you know, let's just say the center fat part of the bell curve. Let's say the average male I don't think is going out thinking that one deserves a relationship that one does not. That one does. That's a horrible way to think about someone. That's not how people are. People aren't inherently evil in my belief. So I am overweight and have been for my entire life. And whenever I get attention from men, I entertain it. Recently in August, I went to a restaurant in Winston Salem and met a guy who works there. Long story short, he overcharged my credit card and when I purchased the meal Long story short, he overcharged my credit card when I purchased the meal and got my phone number from the owner of the restaurant. After I cocked at after I contacted them about the charge. This is like a very cute meet cute type of thing. This is very movie. Ask the overcharged my credit card. I'm sorry, you made a mistake. Hey, the restaurant. Call the restaurant. Oh, he got your number from there. I get it. He gave me his business card, told me to text him, but he actually texted me first after getting my number from the owner. The conversation got sexual over text. There it is. Done. Done. You don't go down from sexual. I, I, I. All of this is fun and cute. If it gets sexual over text, that's where we are. It doesn't go down from there. It, it very doesn't. Very rarely. I hate, I hate that I can't speak at extremes. I just can't. Very rarely will you go from never meeting to having a text exchange where you go, oh my God, I, I just want to get you undressed and get you into bed already 2. So do you have siblings? How you know mom and dad? Are you guys close? You get together over the holidays? It can go that way. It just doesn't like when you say he texted me first. You're putting a lot of weight into texted me first and then the Conversation got sexual over text. Are you putting. I would put more weight into sexual over text before meeting than he texted me. First. He was flirting a lot and I was responding to it. But then one day before my birthday on a holy Sunday morning, he made another sexual joke and I got upset and told him how I felt. We got into a disagreement and he texted me the next day wishing me a happy birthday. Then I asked him a question after that text thread and he left me on reading. Now we heard November. A few days ago, I run into him at a concert in Charlotte and kissed him on the cheek. After the show, I asked him to dance and he said he's too old for that and we didn't dance. The last words he said was. The last words he said is I will message you. And I haven't heard from him since. Jared, how do I stop myself from chasing after men who don't want me? Well, I. I think you got to listen. We all want attention. We all want to feel good. We all want people who think we're. We're attractive to keep messaging us. And it. It. All of this feels good. There's a point. I mean, read back your email to me. To all of this is very clear to me. This is all very clear that this is a guy who wants one thing. You know that. I know that. We all know that. I think you are sitting here goalless, and I think that's a big problem. If I'm. And I can only speak to you to him, I would say, hey, dude, you're kind of pestering this woman who's hinting at that she wants a date that's hinting at she wants more. She got annoyed with you for being sexual over text. I could say all these things to him, but he's not writing to me. How do I stop myself from chasing after men who don't want me? How do I stop myself from giving into men who only want casual. I want a relationship, but I can't seem to meet men who want that to. No, no, no, no. Let's start at controllables. Everything you wrote. How do I say the only thing you wrote that's controllable is I want a relationship that is to me that should go right above the storefront of you. Okay, I want a relationship. All the other stuff to me doesn't matter. I can't speak to that. How do I stop myself from chasing after men who don't want me? Not your problem. Who don't want you. That those men that don't want you, you. That. That's not your business. How do I stop myself from giving into men who only want casual sex? They have their own storefront. They only casual sex above their storefront. That's a store you don't want to shop at. I let you write it right here. I want a relationship. I think you need to be a lot less worried about what every other person wants and only worry about what you want. If you're not speaking an eye, you should stop saying it at all. That's my advice. If I was texting with someone and I was looking for casual sex with them, I would be texting with them. Hey, let me. You know, I'd be texting the way this guy is. And then at some point I would have to say, you know, that I want to date. Or they would have to say, someone has to say something. If the person said to me, well, I want a relationship, I would back away. I would run away scared. Hey, I want a relationship. I just want to let you know that. And the way to get in a relationship with me is to go on dates and get to know each other before we get to this bridge, which it seems like you've already crossed. I only cross sex bridge once I'm in. Once I've crossed relationship bridge. Are you up for that? If you're up for that, then we should go out, get to know each other. I like sex stuff too, but I'm not even there yet. This store, we start at relationship and that's okay. You. You might think I'm not being fun. Yeah, you're being fun. You can be fun and want a relationship. I think that's your biggest problem. It's not everyone else. You're making this everyone else, which I understand. It can get exhausting. I've struggled with being obese my entire life, so I feel like I'm unworthy of a relationship due to my parents help. Well, this is. These are the things. You know the last line. I'm sorry you're going through this. P.S. your show in Durham was fantastic. Thank you. I can't tell you how to feel when you say, I've struggled with being obese my entire life, so I feel like I'm unworthy of a relationship due to my appearance. I. I don't believe that that's not true. But I can't tell you to feel that way. I think that comes with going to a professional who can give you the tools that you need to work through those issues. Like, we all have our own issues. We all need the tools to work through that. And I can't do that. I'm not a professional. What I can say to you is, you're cons. It sounds like you're concerning yourself with things you can't control. How other people feel about you is not really your business. There's someone for you. There's someone. There's. I do believe that there's someone. And the idea that your look and your look is for someone. My look is for someone. Where all our looks are for someone, there's a but for every seat. So I think that's like, you know, you're limiting yourself. You're trying to give yourself an excuse to, you know, to say, oh, this is why. Well, I think it's more that you're hiding how you feel from the people you're talking with. And I think also, you know, a professional would probably help you through these things. Talking to someone. I'm not that person. They can give you the tools and, you know, the ways to work through these. I would say to you, this one example, I can see that you did not say to this person, hey, I. And if I were you, like, to go back. I'm. I'm not trying to be. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. But if I were to go back to your email to when you guys were texting, hey, this is really nice that you got my number. It's exciting. I would love to go on a date sometime, make a plan, and I'm down. When you keep texting and texting and texting with someone, that's really confusing Hope for a plan. And I take that from, I think Mike Lombardi. He's a football guy. He used to say that, let's not confuse hope for a plan. When you're texting with someone, you're hoping they're going to ask you out. I get it. You're hoping that they're going to say, hey, let's go get a drink so I can get to know you in person. You're hoping that they're not just looking for casual sex. But that's not really a plan. The plan has to be, hey, is. Is first knowing your goals. Your goal is, you wrote it to me, I want a relationship. You are entitled to that. You are deserving of that. You're gonna find that. But I think you're gonna find it quicker and better and with the right person. When you admit to people that's what you want. And no, I'm not trying to be. I'm not trying to, like, blow smoke up your ass. But I'm just telling you the truth. You deserve what you want. You deserve a relationship. You deserve someone who's going to take you out and go to a drink and get to know you. I don't know you, but I know you. You. You were at my show. I have a connection to you. I can feel you through this email. You deserve those things. It's going to be fine. But I think you got the way you're talking about it. That's your biggest problem. It's not everyone wants casual. That's. That's too simple. How about I want a relationship and if someone wants to have access to me and my wonderful personality, they're going to have to go on a date with me. They're going to have to make a plan. They're going to have to do all these things. And the minute you know that now you got goals. Now it's not wishy washy. Now you're not texting for weeks with someone who's not on the same page. Jtrain podcast gmail.com jtrain podcastmail.com Jared, I'm back on the apps and this whole setting up new profile is so depress. Jared, I'm back on the apps and this whole setting up of the new profile is so depressing and overwhelming. Well, at least you came on the apps with a good attitude. No, that's not the right attitude. Why is it depressing you? And if it is depressing, the dating apps probably aren't for you. You don't got the right attitude. Get out of here. If I was an app bouncer, I'd kick you out. Hey, I'd love to go on the apps, but it's so depressing. Get out of here. You're not here with the right motivations. This ain't gonna cheer you up. The app is not going to make you happier. It's going to be you depressing. You on the app being depressing. So that's my first piece of advice. Any tips on good prompts you'd swipe on asking for backup and you're my go to listen of dating advice and yummy food wrecks. Love everything you do. Thanks in advance. I can give you some great advice, but you're going to have to perk up. Buttercup, cheer up. Don't go on the app. Negative. That's my first piece of advice. Don't download an app. Don't go to the supermarket hungry because you're going to buy things that you don't want to eat. Don't go on the apps negative because you're going to meet people that are going to enrage you to your core. Perk up, buttercup. It's time to have a better attitude. That's my first piece of advice. Pictures. You alone. First three pictures. No sunglasses, no hats. You alone. Bright, beautiful you. Next three pictures. Do whatever you want. Anything you want, but it's got to be you. Prompts. I, I. I know you. You, you. You have to do I statements. So any prompt you use, if you can't answer it with an I statement, don't answer it at all. Be personal. Be specific. So Saturday nights, I like to watch this show over and over again. Sundays, I like to get coffee at this specific coffee shop. Be specific. Speak in I terms. That is personal. You are looking with your dating app profile to shoo away people who don't like you and bring in people who respond specifically to your specifics. That gets you through all the boring, vague dating talk. That isn't talk at all. I mean, everything I just said is gold. Everything I just said is perfect advice. I can't. It's not. And, and, and again, get that. Making a new profile. So depressing. Shut the fuck up. Then don't come here. This club is so depressing. Get out of my club. We only want fun people who like to dance. And you're not wrong. I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just saying it's not the place for that. Jtrain podcast@gmail.com, jtrain podcastima.com mailbag Monday. Back tomorrow with ticked off Tuesday. Listen in. We love a ticked off Tuesday. Back next week. Boom.