My Boyfriend Won't Let Me Come To His Grandma's Shiva! Help! - MAILBAG MONDAY

Summary

The JTrain Podcast

Host: Jared Freid
Episode: My Boyfriend Won't Let Me Come To His Grandma's Shiva! Help! - MAILBAG MONDAY
Date: December 8, 2025

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Episode Overview

This Mailbag Monday episode sees Jared Freid solo, answering listener emails about the everyday dilemmas of relationships, family, friendships, and post-grad life. With the comic’s signature blend of empathy, directness, and humor, he tackles problems ranging from dishwashing disputes to being excluded from a significant other's family event and the complexities of money among friends.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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1. Navigating Household Chores & Relationship Dynamics

Email Subject: Co-habitation Dishwashing Drama
Timestamp: 06:39 – 15:45

• Situation: A woman in her 30s, recently moved in with her boyfriend, finds herself at odds over washing dishes in their dishwasher-less apartment.
• Dilemma: He insists on immediate dishwashing; she prefers to let dishes soak and do them later. This difference leads to him doing the dishes more often, causing conflict and feelings of blame.

Jared’s Core Advice:

• Acknowledge Personality, Not Morality: Jared urges listeners to separate “neatness” from a sense of moral hierarchy.

  “The problem is with neat and tidy Guy and Sloppy Sarah, you feel like you’re morally beneath him. That’s the problem with neat and tidy person. They make it a moral argument, a moral hierarchy...”
  — (11:20)

• Don’t Keep Score: Focus on division of labor by preference, not strictly equal splits:

  “You’re barking up the wrong tree. I need him to be more flexible on dishes. That ain’t going to happen. You’re dating a dish guy. Let him be a dish guy.”
  — (12:25)

• Find Your Own “Thing”: Suggests trading responsibilities: if he’s "dish guy," she could choose and own another regular household task that matters more to her.

  “Let him own the space, and then let’s think of what space you could own. Maybe it’s making the bed, maybe it’s laundry folding that you want to be able to get done.”
  — (13:45)

• Takeaway: Assign chores by whose standards can’t bend, not by a 50/50 tally.

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2. Being Excluded from Significant Family Events

Email Subject: “My boyfriend won’t let me come to his grandma’s Shiva! Help!”
Timestamp: 17:23 – 27:26

• Situation: A listener’s boyfriend of four months (eventually a year+) refuses to let her attend family shivas for his grandparents, as he feels it’s not the right way for her to meet his family.
• Emotional Result: She feels hurt, confused, embarrassed, and struggles to explain the situation to friends and family.

Jared’s Core Advice:

• Family Events Are Relationship Litmus Tests:

  “A death is a relationship pop quiz... how do I fit into you grieving with your family and me grieving with you and this whole greater universe that is called us?”
  — (20:40)

• Don’t Outsource Your Hurt:

  “How am I going to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want me there for them when their grandparent passes away and hasn’t introduced me to their family that… we’re seven months in. That’s the question.”
  — (23:32)

• Communicate Directly:

  “You’re using all these rationalizations to have feelings. You’re allowed to have feelings. I was let… just say it. I was let down when you didn’t have me at your grandparents’ Shiva.”
  — (25:03)

• Clarify Relationship Expectations: Rather than focus on the event, ask bigger questions: “What are we doing here? How come I’m not meeting your family after so long?”
• Takeaway: Don’t ignore red flags. If someone consistently compartmentalizes you out of life milestones, confront it honestly and consider your boundaries.

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3. Money, Privilege, and Friendship

Email Subject: Med school, student loans, and the Venmo stingy friend
Timestamp: 29:14 – 34:30

• Situation: Medical student with significant debt is irked by a friend whose parents cover all expenses. The friend is extremely precise (even “cheap”) about splitting costs and sometimes fails to pay her back for shared expenses.
• Dilemma: Is it wrong to be upset about the exactness and occasional lack of repayment?

Jared’s Core Advice:

• Don’t Sweat Exactness:

  “If it’s 26.42 and they send you half… that is what she owes you. I think you gotta leave that complaint at the door. It’s a personality trait…”
  — (30:44)

• When to Draw the Line: When someone fails to pay at all, it’s fair to address it directly, focusing on your situation, not theirs.

  “Hey, I consider you a friend. It really bothers me when you don’t Venmo me back because money in my life is pretty scarce…”
  — (32:20)

• On Privilege:

  “Privilege is a very difficult thing to get across to someone else… Everyone explains their life in a way where they don’t have it easy.”
  — (34:12)

• Parallel with Comedy Crowd: Jared compares repeated warnings to audience members filming at his shows to giving friends chances:

  “Some people are not going to hear you. ...I would give them the benefit of the doubt. If they don’t take it, they don’t want to listen to you.”

• Takeaway: Communicate your needs. If a friend repeatedly ignores your situation, reconsider the friendship.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Chore Disagreements:
  “You’re dating a dish guy. Let him be a dish guy.” — Jared, (12:25)
• On Relationship Pop-Quizzes:
  “Beware of birthdays, holidays, death and Valentine’s Day and global pandemics. They will all tell you what you are to the other person or how the other person sees the relationship.” — Jared, (19:05)
• On Emotional Honesty:
  “You’re using all these rationalizations to have feelings. You’re allowed to have feelings.” — Jared, (25:00)
• On Money and Privilege in Friendships:
  “Comparison is the thief of joy. It’s a saying for a reason, because it’s very true. It is stealing your joy…” — Jared, (30:44)
• On Drawing Boundaries:
  “If they can’t respect the story you’ve just told them about you, they’re not really your friend.” — Jared, (34:12)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Intro & Banter – 00:20–04:55
• Household Chores / Dish Routine Advice – 06:39–15:45
• Sponsor (Nutrafol) – 15:45–17:23
• The Shiva Exclusion Email – 17:23–27:26
• Sponsor (Hero Bread) – 27:26–29:14
• Money & Friendship Dynamics Email – 29:14–34:30

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Episode Style & Tone

Jared’s tone throughout is candid, playful, and empathetic, with a touch of tough love. He demonstrates a keen ear for the real root of each listener’s problem and delivers unfiltered advice with comic timing and memorable analogies.

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Conclusion

If you want honest advice that’s both sharp and supportive, with plenty of laughs, this episode delivers. Jared’s key message: don’t be afraid to communicate your real feelings directly—whether it’s about chores, relationships, or money. And remember, sometimes the hard truth is the greatest gift a friend (or a podcaster) can give.

Transcript

[A]

It's a mailbag. Munder.

You got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair.

It's a mailbag Monday.

Hello, and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is J Train Jared Freed coming to you live from Delray Beach, Florida. That's right, every Monday is a mailbag Monday, where you, the listener, email me, the comedian. You ask for advice and I give it. Why would you ask me? Well, I don't have to make eye contact with you. I have no. I have no incentive to steer you in a direction that I wouldn't steer myself into. When you talk to a friend, the incentive is to keep you as a friend. I don't need to keep you. I guess you could say the incentive would be for me to keep you as a listener. But I would argue that it. I will gain more listeners by being honest and direct with you than I would be lying to and softening how I would give you advice and what I would say. So I, you know, if we're going to have a debate point, J Train. So, yeah, email me j train podcastmail.com anything you like. We get tons of dating stuff just because that's how people know me or have come to me in the past. But friendship, family, anything that's on your mind that you want to hear someone gnaw at the bone of your situation, send it J train podcast, gmail.com. i want to thank you for being a listener to this show. Thank you. It means a lot. I love doing this show. I love. I've been doing the J train podcast for 13 years, which is, like, crazy. I feel old every time I say it. This podcast is somewhat of a creative space for me to kind of, like, figure things out, figure out my opinions. It's a chance for me to say things out loud. Yes. I'm saying them alone in my. My condo. I learned recently. My dad said I kept calling my new place an apartment. He was like, an apartment is a New York thing. He. He made the he distinguished. Apartment is a place you rent. Condo is a place you own. So I am in my condo. Thanks, you know, in part to you, the listeners, and you, the people who enjoy my stuff. You know, this. I'm really proud of that. So it means a lot that you guys listen and enjoy, you know. How do you support the show? I hate the word support. How do you pay for the show? I like the word pay, even though that actually doesn't. People gris, gristle, bristle. The word pay in this context is always. It Feels a little weird, but I'm telling you right now, sharing it, that's a payment to me. Liking a post on Instagram. I consider that a form of payment for the show. The sponsors all give you deals so I like that it's a, you know, we're all jacking each other off. The sponsor pays me. You get a deal from the sponsor, they get a new customer. You. So if the sponsor gives value to your life, then use the code and it adds to the show. Patreon. Patreon is a big part of how this show keeps afloat. V, our producer V's got to make a living to got a has her own career that she's doing and V has been wonderful and helped me with YouTube. That's where we're really killing it right now. Go on YouTube, subscribe to the YouTube. I consider that payment. We are putting out the podcast daily. It is there waiting for you. Because of Patreon and the sponsors and the like on Instagram, I'm not going to minimize that. So thank you for being a part of the show. Keep contin, you know, you know, use the sponsor code. Go subscribe to YouTube. Join the Patreon. All these links are in the bio of this episode and come to a show. I'm gonna be in Orlando. It's been a while since I've been in Orlando. I'm excited to come back. I it's a club show so I'll be able to work on material the theater shows. Fort Lauderdale, Miami. Thank you, thank you, thank you Charlotte. If I haven't thank you. Durham. The Durham show. For some reason that just sits with me as a just a fun They've all been good but that one just like I liked everyone there. I I like everyone at every show. I I I I don't want my loving chocolate to be a vanilla. Okay. I like all my children equally. But the Durham, when I really had a good time, I felt very loose. So we have more shows coming. So Orlando, San Diego for New Year's I'm doing seven shows in San Diego. I'm basically moving San Diego for a week.

Come bring a friend. Let a friend know. We have three emails, I have two sponsors. We'll go email sponsor, email sponsor. Let's get to it. Jared. Love the pod. I've been loving the behind the scenes YouTube videos. They are I I the behind the scenes YouTube videos. You are getting to know me. You are going to get to know me even more. I'm not sure how quickly we're going to put this out. I think we're going to put it out soon. But we V came down to sunny Florida and taped my parents and taped the Fort Lauderdale and Miami show behind the scenes. I'm excited. I have like a little grin on my face because I'm like it's going to be pretty revealing. You're going to see Summer Rose organizers. Star organizers. Summer organized my new apartment. So you're gonna see the new apartment. I want you to go follow Summer Rose and star organizers because she was a fantastic help made made this condo a home. And you're gonna get. I think what we're gonna do again I'm not trying to like I, I, we're gonna make the parent. We went and visited my parents house and did a tour of my parents house. That's gonna be Patreon only. I think that's gonna be. So it might be there now, it might be there next week. It will be there at some point. So but the YouTube is going to have from Florida. We, you know I went to a diner with V. We did the whole thing. I showed, I did a tour of my Del Rey of the places in Delray I like. So.

Thank you. I'm happy you're enjoying the YouTube. I'm writing an invite. I'm writing in for advice as I know you've lived with a significant other before. Did you do about the dishes? I'm trying to think what we did with the dishes. I, I don't remember. I know that I was living with someone that was more, was cleaner than me, was more into the neat and tidy than I am. Which that happens. That's a normal relationship. Someone. There's different levels of this. So my boyfriend and I Both in our 30s have been living together for three months. Congratulations. Together for total of one and a half years. Okay. So you've been together. You, you're to get. Let me just talk this out. You're together a year. This is a lot like when I live with someone. You're together a year at that point what are we doing? We're serious. Let's go live together. Then you go look for places. Now you're, you know, now you're together a year and two months you move into the place. Three months living together. I love it. We're in love, have the same values, humor, blah blah. Everything's great except for the damn dishes. Okay. I love this. This is sickcom. This is in the world of help us help ourselves. We both like a clean home but I don't mind if things get A bit messy. Not dirty messy. I get that you don't mind a plate in the sink is what I'm guessing. He needs everything neat all the time, including washing dishes right after we eat. We don't have a dishwasher, so we wash everything by hand. He here, let me, let me empathize with the person you have a problem with when you don't have a dishwasher, as I have not had a dishwasher, so I have experience in this. You let one meal get away from you. Suddenly you got three sitting in the sink. So if you are a neat and tidy person, as your boyfriend is, again, I'm not saying you're not, I'm not saying you're a slob, but he is more on the spectrum of neat and tidy. He is way more towards neat and tidy than you are. I would understand that he is getting ahead of future issues. And you, if you're like, I will do them later, you're okay with risking the. Maybe a few more things end up in the sink from now until later. So I, I, I, I kind of get with no. The, the no dishwasher ups the stakes. After each meal, we both clear the table and put everything in the sink. But I prefer to let things soak or wait until the hot water kicks in. He needs to wash them right away. Fine. If it's with, he's fine with it. If it's with cold water, doesn't matter. This results in him doing the dishes more than me because he cannot stand to have them in the sink. I do clean the dishes, just not on his schedule. This is the root of every issue. Like, I have this with my mom. Like, my mom came into my apartment and I have boxes out, and she's like, you haven't done anything. And I'm like, when was this gonna be done? I just brought them up. I'm going to get it done. And then my dad's here and he's like, he has a lifetime to do it, which makes it a little depressing. He's got his whole life. He's gonna die in this apartment. Like, my parents always go the depressing route. But I, I, there are people like this.

This results in him doing the dishes more than me. I, this is, I, I think that's a bit, that's an important part of this email because he cannot stand to have them in the sink. I do clean the dishes, just not on his schedule. He gets annoyed, I get defensive, it turns aggressive fight. How do I get him to understand that the dishes will get done and that there's room, there's room for a little flexibility. I think you're barking up the wrong tree. Room for flexibility, not for this. There's room for flexibility. I think, I think you're looking to make something very stiff, a little bit more flexible when you could be going down another road and that is more apt for flexing that you could be like. I think this because you wrote something very specific that I honed in on. This results in him doing the dishes more than me because he cannot stand them in the sink. That is a blamey sentence. We don't need blamey sentences. He's doing the dishes more than me because he cannot stand to have them in the sink. See how that's all he, he, he, he does. And now you're keeping score like as the non biased single doofus here. Like I, I don't even have someone. And so this is where it gets me annoyed. Oh, you're not in a relationship. What could you know? I think I. No emotions here. It sounds like you're too caught up on the dishes to me. This is something you're not going to change about him. This is something, I think the discussion instead of a passive aggressive fight about when we do the dishes, how about he's dish guy. Why? Why? What is the problem? And you go, well, that's a daily task. It's every meal. I don't want to make him do the work. There are other daily tasks around the house. What's important to you in the way dishes are important to him is a made bet. And the problem is with neat and tidy Guy and Sloppy Sarah, you feel like you're morally beneath him. That's the problem with neat and tidy person. They make it a moral argument, a moral hierarchy where I'm being clean and tidy and I'm doing it right away. I'm not trying to be lazy, Lisa, like you, like I, I think take the morality out of it. Make this his personality. He needs dishes done directly after the meal. You're going into cold water and hot water. I want them to soak. There's no reason to let them soak. He will always win this battle. As far as when should dishes get done? It is hard to be on the side of the let him sit. Because then you go, well, what if we forget? And then we're gonna have dishes pile up in the sink. We don't have a dishwasher. My answer to you is to give him the dishes. And that's gotta be the conversation between you Two. Hey. And like, if. To me, it would be different if you were like, I like to sit and have our meal and then sit with our plates in front of us and just have a moment of Zen after a tough day. And I don't want to rush to bring things to the sink and clean things up right away. That's kind of a different thing. At that point, I would give different advice. To me, this is two different philosophies on dishes. I would say to him, hey, you're dish guy. Let's and. And make it his job. Maybe you can be the sous chef to his dish guy and help in certain ways, but make it his. Let him own the space, and then let's think of what space you could own. Maybe it's making the bed, maybe it's laundry folding that you want to be able to get done. And you like doing it because you can put in your favorite podcast, the J Train Podcast, and you can Zen out on your own for a little bit. To me, you're barking up a. I need him to be more flexible on dishes. That ain't going to happen. You're dating a dish guy. You're living with a dish guy. Let him be a dish guy. Let's find the thing you need done very quickly or in a specific way. So now everyone gets what they want. He gets the dishes done right away because it's his job. It's his task. It actually will be what makes him feel fulfilled. It feels good to get a task done. Now you have something else that you want him out of the way. You. You want it done your way. Think of that thing. I don't know what that is. I can't tell you. You don't write it here, but everyone has that thing. I. My. My mom is constantly, like, in shock that I do my own laundry. I do my own laundry because there is a certain Zen to folding the laundry. There's a certain nice thing of putting in the headphones and just letting your mind be taken away by a podcast or music that you enjoy and folding your laundry. And I think maybe you find something like that that you like and. And dig into that. That's my. That is my decree. I feel like King Solomon when I help a relationship like this. J train podcast gmail.com j train podcastmail.com we are sponsored. Hair thinning isn't just about hair. 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All right, second email.

I don't know if you can hear it. We got a rainstorm going on here. It has been raining all day and I got the door open. I could open up this door and well, this is the studio. I'm in this, the J Train. I'm in Feather Nation studios right now and we're going to be rebuilding. We're going to make this into a real studio. Jared, love the podcast. I have to tell you about something that happened with me and need advice for the future. I dated my boyfriend. We'll Call him John. For about a year and a half, four months in, his grandfather passed away. The funeral was in another state, and I really wanted to go to the Shiva. So for those of that aren't Jewish, a Shiva call is the. The. The family sits at a house for five days, and they give you a window that you can come over and pay your respects. I think it's like, logistically, I think the Shiva call is like a genius invention. There's nothing more awkward than when someone passes. You're like, what can I do? What do I say? How do I do it? Jews basically go, it is very Jewish to be like, everyone's going to be anxious about this. Let's make it as little. Let's make this as. Let's make the. It's funny to be a favor for the people whose parents didn't die, but it does feel it. Maybe that's my way of how I look at the world where I'm like, oh, thank you. Thank you, Jew Jews, for making this less awkward for me. Person with healthy family, you know, the other person's going there, and then for the other person, they don't have to, like, I don't know, you just open up a home and you go visit. Okay, so this person, they're. They're dating a guy, John, for about a year and a half, four months in. So four months in, grandfather passes away, funerals in another state, and they wanted to go pay their respects and support their boyfriend at the time. Side note, I hadn't met his family yet. When I asked for the Shiva address, John told me he didn't want me to come and that he wasn't ready for meet his family that way. I was super hurt, confused, and embarrassed. But I tried to be understanding and figured we'd talk about it once he got back. Fast forward a few months later, his grandma passed away. I remember thinking, are you kidding me? This cannot be happening again. Of course I wanted to be there for him, but I also couldn't exactly say, sorry for your loss. Are you going to uninvite me again? So I asked John for the Shiva information, and he said he did not want to Shiva. So I asked John for the Shiva information. He said he did not want Shiva to be the place I met his family for the first time. So basically, they didn't give. They said a few months later. So four months in, grandpa dies. Three months later, let's call it grandma dies. You are now seven months into calling someone your boyfriend, and they are not ready to introduce you to their Family to me, you're not boyfriend, girlfriend. That is my outsider opinion. And this is where I say this all the time. I've said it for years. Beware of birthdays, holidays, death and Valentine's Day and global pandemics. They will all tell you what you are to the other person or how the other person sees the relationship or what they're ready for. Because here's the thing. A death is a relationship pop quiz. A death in the family is a relationship pop quiz. It is that all of a sudden it's like, grandma's dead. What are we? How do I fit into you grieving with your family and me grieving with you and this whole greater universe that is called us? And you would say the reason no one talks about it this way, because it is bad timing to bring it up. They just went through a death. So they have this, like, bubble of security around them where you would look like or could be made to feel like you're not worried about the right things. But I would say that moment that you're bringing up, grandpa passes. I don't want you coming to the Shiva. I'm not ready. Okay? That's what we are. Grandma passes. Three months later, seven months into the relationship. I don't want you to come because I don't want you to meet them under these circumstances. Okay. I would get a week away from that. And I would say, okay, still on my mind. Grandma, grandpa, pass. I'm really sorry. I've given you enough time to really kind of have your moment with that. What are we doing? What is this? Because if my grandpa passed, and then I would make it. I. I have a grandma. If she passed, I would want everything I tried to do for you done for me. That's why I did it. That's called being polite and being classy. Doing for others what you would want done for yourself. So I'm looking at this.

And I already know what your question's going to be. At this point, I've been uninvited, so. So I asked John for the Shiva information. He said he didn't want. He did not want Shiva to be the place I met his family. I would say we're already seven months late on meeting his family. At this point, I've been uninvited from not one, but two Shivas to a guy I've been dating for about a year. Uninvited. Not the right way to put it. You have been told not to come to two Shivas for someone you've been dating for a Year. And I'm stuck trying to explain to my friends and family why I'm not going to my boyfriend's grandparents funeral. You. It is so interesting the spin you have put on this. I disagree with your spin. I understand your spin. I get it. I'm not trying to like, argue with you. I am just giving you a perspective when you write. I'm stuck trying to explain to my friends and family why I'm not going to my boyfriend's grandparents funeral. You are off shoring the emotional issues that someone could have with this. How about I am hurt you don't want me there at your time of need when someone in your family passes. If that's the case, I'm led to believe that this is not a real relationship. That's how I feel.

Not. Oh my God. What will my friends from high school think? I wasn't allowed at your grandparents. Shiva, come on. Cut the shit. Yeah, I'm yelling at you, Ms. Listener. What are you talking about? My friends and family. How am I going to tell them that I'm not at the Shiva? No. How am I going to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want me there for them when their grandparent passes away and hasn't introduced me to their family that now that we're seven months in. That's the question. We ended up dating for a year and a half total. We eventually broke up. Lol. Shocker. I am sure he's not ready for a relationship was his reason. I met John's family when they visited the city we live in. But looking back, I have to ask. If someone I'm dating tells me not to come to their grandparents. Shiva. A few months into dating, should I just end it? Thanks for all the constant laughs. No, you shouldn't just end it. You're living. I. I'm getting upset and annoyed because you remind me of a lot of people I've dated and.

The people I date, kind of. And you remind me of me too. Just like I'm. Let me level with you. You're. You're using all these rationalizations to have feelings. You're allowed to have feelings. I was let. Just say it. I was let down when you didn't have me at your grandparents. Shiva.

How do you feel about that? And then they would say what? They said I wasn't ready. I didn't want to introduce you to your parents. Okay. Now let's take a. Let's take a leap from Shiva land and then go to you and me Ville. Because that's the Shift. You're not doing. You're going. You're stuck in the Shiva. Okay, listen, I was let down. Why didn't you want me there? Okay, now let's go global. What are we doing then? That's. I think you shouldn't end things when someone doesn't have you at their Shiva. You should be asking a lot. You should be. When someone doesn't do the life things with you that should come next in your mind, should meaning for you. I. When you say I am ready to be. For you, I am ready to be at the Shiva when your grandparents die. Okay, that's not like a ridiculous. That's a ridiculous sentence. But that's the sentence we have right now. I am emotionally ready to be at your parents, at your grandparents shiva when, when they pass. Okay, now, now you go and they're going to say, I am not ready to be. To have you at my grandparents shiva when they pass. Okay, why am I now I'll say why I'm ready. I'm ready because I am trying to see what this relationship can be and I have intentions of getting more serious with you. Okay, now you give me your why you can't have me at the Shiva call. And their why will then be a tough thing for them to say empathetically. Because I don't see this ending in marriage. I don't see this. I don't see the next step yet. That would be an answer I would give. And now you have to, you know, chew on that. You got to swallow that. I. If they said to you, I'm. I can't see the next step yet. You got to swallow that and go, okay, am I turned off by that.

Now?

Now you're dumping someone because you want someone who can see a future with you, not because they didn't take you to the Shiva and let you eat the bagels off their grandma's dead body.

J train podcast.

Gmail.Com j train podcast gmail.com Great email. Thank you for sending that. We have one more sponsor, Hero Bread. Hero Bread has signed up for 2026. So they're sponsoring this show because you guys are buying it. I have some in the freezer. It is wonderful. It is delicious. It is as good as any bread I'm making at home with my breakfast. A breakfast I want to be healthier than the one I would eat out. So that's like the point here. More efficient bread. When you're having the meals, when you're trying to be more efficient with your calories, don't skip the bread at your next holiday meal, try Hero Bread. They make sliced bread, bagels and dinner rolls. All Hero products are high in fiber with zero grams of sugar. Hero Bread is soft and fluffy. You'll think it's regular bread every time. I I can't tell you how much I like Hero Bread because it is like Herobred has taken kind of like a life motto and turned it into bread. I want the calories to be lean. I want the fiber to be high when I'm trying. Hero Bread is for those meals where you're trying and you still want a crunch. Check out Heroes Tortilla Croissants. Heroes always try adding something new to their lime. This is creativity at its best. We get the results of Herobred doing all the different types of breads that we want, but they're doing it higher in fiber, lower in calories, lower in carbs. Great. For a limited time, Herobred is offering J. Train listeners 10% off your order. Go to Hero Co. Use code Feather at checkout. That's code Feather. Hro co. Those are our two sponsors.

Last email. Let's jump right in. I'm currently a medical student. I didn't come from money, so I've accumulated quite a bit of student debt over the years. I have to use student loan money to pay for everything in my life because it is impossible to work during school. Okay, this is amazing. Good for you. It is to become a doctor. I'm like very impressed. I can't even believe someone becoming a doctor listens to this podcast. I have a friend who's the opposite. Her parents full. Her parents fully pay for her schooling and she still lives at home. I'm not from the area so that isn't an option for me. So she has no bills, grocery costs, etc when we do something together she is very cheap. If I pay for spending and the if I pay for spending and the total is 2642, she will Venmo me. 1321 exactly. Okay. I've always found a common courtesy to round up slightly. On top of that, sometimes she says why don't we pay together and I'll just venmo you and then never venmo's me. I'm not worried about a couple of dollars but it's the principle to me. What can I do in the future to avoid paying and not getting paid back? Sincerely, a broke batch I love this email because you are right and you're wrong. If it's 2642 and they send you half of what you guys spent together. And that is what you spent, and that is what she owes you. I think you got to leave that complaint at the door. It's annoying. It's a personality trait. It's hard to unsee.

That how they live compared to yours. Comparison is the thief of joy. It's a saying for a reason, because it's very true. It is stealing your joy to have them as a friend, to know that they are having an easier time getting through med school than you are. I. And I'm not saying that's not the truth. That is absolutely the truth. They don't have to pay for living. They're getting their groceries. It would. That has nothing to do with them giving you half of the Venmo. If that is how it should be split up. I would much rather someone give me exact change than go under. I would much rather someone give me exact change than go over and then say to me, you'll get me later. Like, there's other options that are much worse than them giving you exactly what they owe you. That is, to me, I would leave that complaint at the door. Where you have a point is when they don't Venmo you and I think it's okay to say to someone, if they're like, okay, you pay. I'll Venmo you later. I think it's okay to speak. We're going to go back. I. Hey, I'd love to me build a case, write down the time that they didn't pay you. Hey, I like, I. I consider you a friend. It really bothers me when you don't Venmo me back because money in my life is pretty scarce. I'm all student loans. I have no ability to work because we're in med school. And it really bothers me to have this kind of bill in the future hanging over my head. When someone doesn't pay for their share of when we go out, it really makes me angry, personally, at the person, because you know how I'm living. You know, I'm on loans, you know, all these things. So I think this comes to. I think. I don't think it's like there's two options. You let it happen again. Next time they want a Venmo, you just say, hey, I gotta let you know something that's been bothering me. You didn't Venmo me after the last time we went out. And I'm just telling you, you might not know it. I would even say this. You may not know, but I'm fully Paying for everything on loans. I can't do a job because medical school, as you know, takes up a lot of hours. And I'm concentrating on becoming a doctor. So when someone doesn't pay me, it really bothers me. But you might not know it. That's my. That's the way to kind of get the message. Here's the thing.

Some people are not going to hear you. And that's the time I would give this person a chance, but I'm not giving them chances forever. Maybe that means you don't go hang out as much. Maybe that means you don't hang out at all. But I think right now, give them the benefit of the doubt. That is so crazy that if they don't take it, they don't want to listen to you. So let me give you an example. That's not the same, but it's something that happens to me a lot when I do shows. There will be people in the crowd holding their phone up, taking video of my show. If they're doing it long enough. In the beginning, when I see them doing it, I kind of keep my eyes on them in the crowd. I look at them longer than I would generally to try and literally take the thought in my brain being like, hey, put the camera down and implant it into their brain.

If they still do it. And it's becoming a distraction for me again. For me, I then say to them, did you get the shot? Did you get the picture? At least make me look skinny. That is me saying, I know your video. Like, in my mind, I know they're videotaping, but it's me saying, if you're taking a picture, get it and then put it away. That's me giving them a chance. If they look at me while I'm saying, did you get the shot? And they're still videotaping. And then I'm like, did you get it done with? And I say to them, then it's. Now I'm at version three, which is, can you stop taping? Which is not what I want to do. So in the same way, and I hope this is a parallel here. I hope there's a parallel, because the same thing would be said for your friend when you say to them, listen, I'm not sure if you know this or not. I'm paying for everything on loans, and I'm going to have to pay this bill later. And it really eats at me. So if we're going to do a Venmo thing, can you please make sure to pay me back? So now, you know, you have delivered the message. I'm paying with loans now. They know there's no excuse anymore. And if it happens again, you could say, hey, I told you I'm living on student loans. It really is. I take it personally when someone takes advantage of my kindness to pay for. For the meal or what, you know, if they don't venmo me back now, that's two strikes that, you know, we're. We're out at that point. It's the same to me. The. The reason I'm bringing up the camera thing is, like, at first, I'm like, I know. I'm just assuming they don't know. Oh, they're taking a picture. Get your picture done. Oh, do I look skinn? Ah. And then they're videotaping. I'm like, is it a video? What are we doing? Put it down. I just told you, get it done. It's distracting. You have your camera up in the air. I told you, I'm on student loans. You're not gonna pay me back. I don't have any money. Make it about me, You, I, not their situation. Because their situation never is gonna change. They don't. They don't need to understand how much more difficult your life is than theirs. They're not going to. Privilege is a very difficult thing to get across to someone else. Everyone has it hard. Everyone thinks they have it hard. Everyone explains their life in a way where they don't have it easy. Your friend who hasn't worked for a year doesn't go around telling people they haven't worked for a year. They have a number of rationalizations for how hard their life is and how money is hard to come by. Even though they're getting a fat, you know, paycheck from, you know, the company of mom and dad, they have found a way to make it so they can live with themselves. Same with your friend. They have all these rationalizations, make it about you. If they can't respect the story you've just told them about you, they're not really your friend. J Train [e-mail]. back next week. Boom.