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The JTrain Podcast
Should I ask a guy I dated if we can be friends? - MONDAY MAILBAG - The JTrain Podcast w Jared Freid
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Jared Freed
It's a mailbag. Munder, you got problems there. I'm gonna help you from the comfort of my chair. It's a mailbag. Monday. Hello and welcome to the J Train Podcast. This is J Train Jared Freed coming live from Bloomington, Indiana. That' right, every Monday. It is a mail bag Monday, where you, the listener, email me the comedian and podcaster, questions about your life. And they could be personal, they could be kind of at 30,000ft, so to speak. We have two emails that came in this week and we have some lifestyle stuff. I look at the title, I kind of like look at the beginning, but I don't read through them yet. One starts with that. They have a life situation question, which I love. So we do need your emails, we do need you to write into the show because that's the lifeblood of the J Train. That's the engine. That's the coal that goes into the engine that makes this whole thing go. So email J Train podcast mail.com. that's J Train podcast mail.com. you can also DM this show at J Train Podcast on Instagram, if you're listening right now. I have so many shows. I'm not, I don't even go through the whole thing, but I'm gonna go through kind of to the end of the summer, lot of shows and I love being on the road. I'm working on a new hour from the one I taped in December. It's a, you know, to me it's a two year process. You know, maybe some people, sometimes material comes quicker, sometimes it takes a long time. But I think to form a special, like a real act, it takes two years and along the way you stop in cities and you build, you build, you build. So this is part of that building process. I'm on Punch up where I put all my tickets. So many shows. Spokane, Washington. I'm coming. Denver, Colorado. Denver and San Francisco are coming up. Those are two big ones. If you're in those cities, assemble the group chat. Spokane, I have more. I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm not gonna get ahead of myself. I have a very modest expectations for Spokane. I hope people come. I hope there's audience there. I've done in the past gen. Generally light summertime is tough. Again, excuse, excuse, excuse. If you're in Spokane, please come too. But also Denver and San Francisco. Those are kind of like places I count on to be great times and great shows and good energy and good, you know, audience. Well, good. I, I expect good numbers, so to speak. Providence, Rhode island, some somewhat of a homecoming, if you want to come. You know, I'm, that's the New England area. Winnipeg, Manitoba. This is the first time for me I'm going to Winnipeg, so I'm excited. I'm going to be there in September. Kansas City, Missouri. Richmond, Virginia. So that kind of gets us to like the theater portion of my tour because then I go to the, you know, the, so quote unquote, the majors. DC, Baltimore, Philly, Boston, New York. All those ones. So. Jaredfree.com for tickets. Assemble the group chat again. I, I care very deeply about putting on a good show. I say that as a, you know, when I say that, Jared, do you mean people don't care? I, I, I, I've seen you see people selling out on the road. You go, I don't know when they get on stage. I don't know when they're practicing, but good for them. I'm, listen, I can't sit here worrying about other people. I would give that advice to myself. This is an advice show. You wrote your emails. Jtrain podcast, gmail.com. i don't mean to sound like a hater. I'm a hater. I'm a. Well, I'm a. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm a. I sound like a little. I'm sorry. Not a good way to start off a Monday. I'm taping this on a Friday from Bloomington. I, I think I'm in my head. You know, Bloomington's gonna be tough sledding this weekend. I think the tickets, they're, they're, they're, they're letting me know. Hey, Jared, can you put out the word? It's like, yeah, I'll tweet about it. I don't know, it seems like it's a little late now. But listen, I'm sure the crowds are great. This is now two weeks later, so thank you to anyone who came out in Bloomington. I have two emails and then I have one sponsor. So we'll do email, sponsor, email, and go check out the YouTube. I got a YouTube channel. I mean, at this point, I, I feel like I'm repeating myself. You're probably already on the YouTube or you've already said, jared, go yourself. I don't do YouTube. So it's one of the others. So why am I even talking about it? I don't know. This is a brief reminder that I'm putting Stand up on my YouTube every Saturday. That's a reminder for that. So let's get to the Emails, Jared. Long time listener, huge fan. Patreon subscriber. Thank you again. Like, I'm, I'm like preaching to the choir. It feels like on this podcast, I know you guys are all, you know, I, I really genuinely enjoy doing this show. And I know you guys are, you know, the, the numbers are consistent. So people are listening, you're listening, which is great. Long time listener, huge fan. Patreon subscribers saw both specials live and have probably seen you over 10 times. I mean, the fact that I'm even complaining, and then this person's like, I've seen you 10 times. I'm like, jared, shut the up. Okay? I'm. I'm, I'm a little. I'm a little. So I don't know why I've gone little route. That's. I don't know. I. I watch this guy on Tick Tock. I w. I get golf tiktoks, and this guy, Asian Saban, is one of my favorites. I love watching the golf tiktoks. Just like, want to see. There's a beginning, middle, and end. There's the hit. There's the, you know, the reveal of how the hit did, you know, and then you finish out the hole. How did they do. How did it go? What club did they choose again? It's the reason golf is on tv, but I don't know, it just works on TikTok. And this guy, Asian Saban, he always refers to himself as a little. And now I'm repeating him. Okay, let me just say thank you to this person who wrote in. They're 27. They've seen me 10 times. That's too many times. Thank you. Okay, I'm 27, met this guy, let's call him Jack, at an NYC run club. Good for you. Not for me. That's okay. We can be different people with different ways of meeting people, but these run clubs are great ways to meet people because here's the thing, people go to those. To me, people. So it's like, why on the dating app, it's called the dating app. That's why I'm here to date. Why you on the run club? I'm here to meet people. You know, the run is secondary. We ended up chatting the whole time, went for drinks after. He seemed really into me, asked me to dinner. He's sweet, thoughtful, has a lot of great qualities, but he's also very petite. No man wants to be called petite. We don't want our stomach being called a belly unless it's an action. I don't know I'm gonna speak for me. I don't want to be called petite. I don't want to be told. I don't want my chest referred to as boobs. I mean, like, I. I know. Like, this is easy to make fun of. I. I'm saying when I hear those. You've made a decision. You've made a wording decision. Like, I don't know, sometimes it feels like, listen, who am I to complain? I. You know, this is. I understand the word litigation from my person. From, you know, straight white Jared, you know, douchebag isn't really gonna be like, you know, cared for, or that's how I feel. But I guess all words matter to everyone. And this is why I can understand if someone's like, hey, refer to me as this. Okay, okay. That makes you feel a certain way about how I looked at you. If someone said, jared, you got something on your titty, I'd be like, okay. I would be. I would be more mad about the reference of my chest being called a titty than I would be the shirt being ruined. You know, if, like, I always try to personalize these things before I go on the attack. Like, I do understand. You know, people get annoyed, and I give empathy. Like, if someone said, you got something on your titty, it would feel like they said that purposely, but also, they just went to the word they thought of first. So I would, you know, if they kept saying, and look at those titties, I'd be like, okay, can you stop with the titty thing? Like, I. I so, like, I don't want to be called petite. I. I wouldn't call me petite, but it is one of those things with words and what you call someone and what you refer to them. You know, I. It is interesting to me, the argument like this. This is all about, like, I guess if you're like, I'm talking about, like, gender identity and what someone wants to be called. And listen, I'm in no place to judge. I don't know. I'm. I'm just saying when the argument of people being against using pronouns or against that, you go, as long as, like, I. I think they are defending them, they're against it because they assume they're considered evil for making a mistake, which I don't think is what's happening in mass. I don't think as a group, the gender identity people, if that's something you're. You. You want done correctly or feel strongly about. I don't think they're like, if you up once you're out. Which is, I think that's why, you know, this went into a direction I'm sure the emailer didn't want. But I'm saying, I don't know. I, I struggle with this because it's like, you know, you have these. I don't struggle with how I feel about it. I struggle saying the words. I guess I'm a little bit dancing around because I'm afraid I'm being gonna be seen as, that I'm not for the quote, unquote. Cause I guess my point here is to say that words do matter. And when someone says, why are you being so sensitive? It's like, well, why are you so defensive about me saying I prefer this other thing? So when it comes to like, calling someone petite like you do, you could say, well, I didn't know. Well, you do know that a man doesn't want to be called petite. How he's five two and lean. Okay, that's pretty petite. But I would, I would assume a 52 guy who's lean. Again, in the same way. I don't want my chest called a boob. I don't want my stomach called a belly. You can call my ass whatever you want. I'm trying to think of other ones. But again, maybe that's my sensitivity because I have body things. Maybe someone who doesn't think about it, but I would assume, I guess I shouldn't assume. Okay, but he's also very petite, about 5:2 and lean. I'm 5:4 and lift a lot. So I feel physically much bigger than him. This is something that women, there's, there's a brand of woman, I, I think in general that's like, large, largely in general, that they want to feel like they could be lifted by a guy. That's something you hear a lot from, like, female comics. They want to be lifted by a guy. So I, I, I listen, you're just giving me the facts and I'm just going off in tangents, but okay, we had a nice dinner, kissed, and while it was fine, it didn't do much for me. Okay. He invited me for a second date to grill on his roof, and, and I went figuring I'd give it another shot. Well, good for you. Again, this email to, to go back to gender. This feels like a very female thing. Didn't feel it the first time. Maybe I'll feel it the second time. I don't think men generally do this where they go, I think if I'm not feeling it the first time and I go out for the second date, it's more like, are our personalities fitting? It's the. The sexual attraction side that water has gone under. The. The bridge that. You know, the haze in the barn. I've already decided for me. And it's funny, I don't think a lot of men would think again. We don't think through other people's eyes. To go back again to the thing that I rambled about with being called petite. You don't think of, oh, when someone makes a mistake with what they call you or the words they use, they're not thinking of the world through your eyes, which. That's not how we do things. That's not the way of the world. We think of ourselves. We live in the key of me, you know, so, okay, so you. But. So I'm. I'm assuming you know, the. The, you know, the petite man that you went to his roof on the second date. He's like, oh, she must be into me. She must think I'm attractive. My mom says I'm cute, so why wouldn't she? So we have to understand that and empathize with that too. I went figuring I'd give another shot. But the makeouts were just dot, dot, dot, rough, no rhythm, a lot of tongue, and my face was irritated from his facial hair. Okay, these are all things that. I think if you were into him before the kiss, it would be fine. I'm not going to tell you how to feel, but I'm just saying, you know, I've made out with women who have told me, oh, I'm a little irritated from your beard and that again, like, I don't know, I don't know. And that's never, you know, that didn't end things right there. But I. I hear what you're saying. He seemed really into it, but I wasn't feeling it. That he. His feelings are not your problem. I mean, you want to be caring with his feelings. I mean, his feelings are not your problem. And I'm like, mad at you for calling petite. You know, you want to be. I. Listen, no one's feelings are your problem. It's you and then them. You gotta. You gotta survive. Okay? He's genuinely a great guy and someone I could be, See, being friends with, but I'm unsure I should give it one more date or just let him down easy now. And if I do let him down, is it weird to suggest being friends? An unattractive batch. Here's one thing I don't want immediately after going on a date with someone who isn't attracted to me. I don't want to be their friend. That, that, that offer in the moment of being dumped feels like I'm being. It would. Again, this is my ego speaking. I'm not asking you to agree with me. I'm asking you to respect how my feelings would, would be and I would feel that I was being. It feels demeaning. A little demeaning might not be the right word. I, I, it, I just don't like it. I, I don't feel good about that. I don't want to be your friend. I, I asked you on a date. You went on the date. You decided you don't want to see my naked body, that's fine. You go that way, I'll go this way. We don't have to be friends. We had a nice time. We're two nice people who had a nice time. I don't think it's weird to offer friendship. I think you're trying to soften the blow and you're trying to say no, no, I don't think you're a bad person, so let's be friends. Friendships happen naturally. In the same way you liking his kiss and becoming romantic partners would happen naturally. There's no need to force anything here. And I think the friends thing, I. Listen. My assumption of why you'd offer to be friends is he's a nice person and wow, anyone would be lucky to be there that person's friend. But that's that friendships are kind of via luck if you, if you even to use that phrasing, you don't. You just happen to find yourself being friends. You don't force a friendship, especially with someone they asked you out. They, and you say he's very into it. We don't know. We don't know he's kissing you. We don't know what his intentions are. Listen, at his worst, he's kissing you because he's trying to get you, you know, he invited you over to grill on his roof because look. Oh, you know what's downstairs? My bed where I do my fucking. I do my petite fucking down there. You know, like I, I, like I. You don't know his intentions. I'm not saying that's what it was, but I'm saying it's on a spectrum from hey, come on down to my, my lair and let me show you this petite 2. I really want to get to know you and have a serious, long lasting, lifelong relationship with you. We don't know what his intentions are, so let's speak for ourselves. You went on the first date. Really nice guy. The kiss wasn't great. And again, you don't need to go into the details. I like that you did with me, but I'm just saying let's put. Let's break it down. Date one really nice person. I wasn't sure if I was sexually into them. We had a kiss. It didn't really go that well. I walked away still confused of how I felt. Go on the second date again, really nice guy. The kiss didn't get me anywhere. That's it. Nice to meet you. I'll see you at the run club, maybe. @ the Run Club, I think. And again, like, friendship isn't out of the question, but friendship happens naturally. So let's. Let's put it. Let's. Let's close the book on this. Let's say it was really great to meet you. And again, if he's texting you and saying, hey, what's your plan this weekend? Let's go out again. Hey, it was really nice to meet you. I just don't have a romantic connection here, but I really did enjoy getting to know you. Done. End of sentence. And I hope we can keep things cool in the Run Club. Maybe a reference to that would be nice because that's kind of you saying, I'm going to be a running. I'm going to be there. I'm going to smile at you. I'm going to say hello. I'm going to be really cool to you. But the romantic stuff's done. So then hopefully he's as cool as you are and he can handle that. I. Let's hope if he can't, that's his problem. And then let's, you know, and then maybe a friendship happens. But to say, let's be friends, how does that even happen? Where. What do you do? Go to the bar. That's the friend bar. What do you do? No, you just be cool with each other. In the Run Club. Nobody wants to become friends with someone who just dumped them. And if they're doing that, it's to kind of hide in plain sight as your friend they're wearing if they decide, oh, yeah, let's be friends, that's okay. I'll put on the friends disguise. Oh, nice to see you all shake hands because we're friends while they wait for you to fall in love with them. It's just all of it's deceitful. You're offering friendship to, like, soften the blow. And I know you mean the best, but it's just not I went on a date with a girl and she was telling me about a guy that got like really mad over her, like over their breakup. Like she ended things over text and in her text she wrote and then he like she and then he responded really not great. And she's like, isn't that crazy? And I said to her, I go listen. I'm not defending his response, but let me just show you when you offer to be friends, that's one of those things that like it's like me drinking curdled milk. I just like immediate stomach wrench. And I'm saying that as someone who tries who, who hears from dating and women and dating and I don't want to be I'm here negotiating with you on this podcast every week. Jtrain podcast.com jtrain podcast gmail.com we got a sponsor Viori. I have been seeing Fiori commercials for the longest time. They sent me some stuff. It is wonderful. Great workout stuff, great athleisure stuff. It's well priced. It's like a good fit. I I, I gotta say, you're running around everywhere so why not make your workout outfit your out on the town outfit look cute and workout clothes again with Viori Ladies, does a fellow in sweatpants do something to you? Then grab your guy Viori's Sunday Then grab your guy Viori's Sunday performance. Sweatpant. Ideal for running and training, but stylish and comfortable enough for to wear all day. I love what Viori is doing. I had never purchased their stuff before. Then they sent me a few items and it's wonderful, comfortable, easy to wear in the gym, out of the gym. It's just like everyday stuff and it's going to look and feel good on you. Great gift and we're going to give you some free money. Get ready to revamp your closet this summer. Viori is an investment in your happiness. J train listeners get 2020% off your first purchase of some of the most comfortable and versatile clothing on the planet@vuori.com J train that's V O R I.com J train exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions. Not only will you receive 20% off your first purchase, but you enjoy free shipping on any US order. Let me read this because this is a big deal. Not only will you receive 20% off your first purchase, but enjoy free shipping on any US orders over $75 and free returns credit to vori.com jtrain and discover the versatility of Vori clothing exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions. So welcome to the J Train podcast. Vori I got the shorts. The shorts are great. Love them. So go, go, go. All ads, all promos, all that stuff is in the description of the episode. Both on YouTube. Oh, we on a. This isn't on YouTube but on, on. On all platforms, on all podcast platforms. You'll see it. All right, let's do one more email. Jared Big fan of the podcast and proud patron, another Patreon subscriber. Thank you. People really love the Patreon. Patreon.com Jared freed five bucks a month. Coffee with J Train is really my personal journal. You get to hear if you if that's of interest to you. I try, obviously. I'm trying to tell the stories, the funny stories and I a lot of that becomes my stand up. To be honest. I have a life situation life situation question and need your take. I recently moved to a new city. I love coffee shops and really see and I I recently moved to a new city. I love coffee shops and recently found one that is in the process of a soft opening. Okay. I've been frequenting the shop and have become friendly with the staff, including the owner. The staff members are extremely nice and I enjoy seeing how new coffee shops and restaurants do business. I'm with you. I I would love to see kind of the birth of a place. I was at the shop recently and stayed for a few hours. I ordered food along with a few coffee drinks during the visit. I was at the shop recently and stayed for a few hours. I ordered food along with a few coffee drinks during the visit. I chatted with the staff from time to time. The owner ended up pulling me aside and asked me not to chat with the staff and as it was distracting them from their work during their soft opening. I am an objective person and willing to take the L but need your take. I'm trying to think how that would make me feel. I would be embarrassed. I would feel like, oh my God, was that necessary? I would go back and forth and probably why they're writing in. I would start at oh my God, am I the biggest loser ever? Did I get in the way? Are they all talking about me? Are they all like wondering if I have any friends? Again, you said you're new in town. So again all those insecurities would come over me and then I would go, well wait a minute, screw you. I hang out here all day. It seems like people like me. I'm not delusional. I'm purchasing stuff and am I really that much in the way are these, isn't that more on your staff? Are they not getting things done? Are you saying I'm the reason the soft opening is a disaster? Like it's John Taffer and he's blaming you that. So again, I would go back and forth one, Was the owner correct in addressing me, the customer, with this concern? Should the owner have addressed this with their staff instead? So I'm with you. The problem is I'm going to play devil's advocate. I'm not non on your, I'm, I'm on your side. The problem is you've become friendly with the staff. You wrote that, including the owner. So this line is not really clear. You've become friendly. So like how you know to go to you? No, I don't think you know. But then you can't refer to yourself as the customer. That's the hard part is like should I be the one, the customer? Well then there's the power dynamic that maybe you're taking advantage of if you're calling yourself the customer and then going, but we're friendly. But then they might feel obligated to talk to you because again, you're the customer. I'm playing this out. It's not that I'm saying I think it's odd to go to you. I do understand it's a soft opening and they probably feel comfortable talking to you because of the relationship they form with you. If I'm the, the owner, you're again, a coffee shop, you do have a relationship with the people there. You do chit chat with them, but you're, I would wonder what his staff isn't getting done because they're talking to you. I think that's a staff issue. Being social at the coffee shop and them saying, hey, I got a, I got orders to take and that's up to the, to them again. But I don't know, like again, if I went to a coffee place and I'm ready to order and there's this woman or guy or whatever, there's some person that's next to the cashier and they're just chit chatting away with the cashier and then I'm still waiting, I'd be like, hey, I, I would be mad at the woman. But I, or the woman, I keep saying the woman. So I, I don't know, I, I, I would be mad at whoever it was that was talking to the cashier. But I'd be like, it's up to the cashier to be like, excuse me, One minute I got someone in front of me, so that's a staff issue. Two, what do, what should I do next? A, screw it, go back whenever. A, screw it, go back whenever. B, wait a week or two, then go back. C, don't go back. Would love to hear your thoughts. Signed coffee shop chatter. I wait till they're open again. I don't know, screw it, go back whenever. I would have to wonder how offended you are. I, I, I listen, I've not gone back to coffee shops because they wouldn't give me a second cup. So I, and that, and then I went back once I explained you wouldn't give me a second cup and they said, oh, we'll give you a second. I, it was a whole thing. Here's the thing. I think you taking a beat from the place. To me, the soft opening part of this, I don't know, they're too comfortable with you. I think they're too comfortable with you. If you're calling yourself the customer, you know, there if you're referring, if you have this friendly. I would love to hear back from listeners on what they think because this is a tough one. Because I'm gonna give you a little feedback. I'm gonna say that if you're calling yourself me, the customer, you're talking to me like if I was friends with the place and they were like. But I also don't want to be taken aside by the owner and be considered the problem when it's like, you don't know this is your business. You, you gotta get your staff right. And I would wonder what am I in the way of? And I would wonder, am I delusional that I'm not seeing this? Because if I'm talking to someone at work, I am mindful that they are at work. This is my question to you. Are you being mindful that these people are at work? Even though you're having friendly conversations and you've become friendly in the same way that they've lost themselves to talk to you, that way you can also have the ability to lose yourself to talk to them a little too much. So I don't know, what do I do next? I would shop out other coffee places. But I, I, I, I don't know. It's not up to me whether you go back. Cause I don't know how upset you are. I mean, owner ended up pulling me aside and asked me to not chat with their staff as it was distracting them from the work during the soft opening. That's pretty tough. That's pretty Wild. Not to chat with their staff is like a very, like, you've made this a big rule at that point. I don't know. To me, you go back in there and you start talking to everybody. No, I, I, I, like, I don't even know if I were you. I take a beat, I find some new coffee shops, I go for a week to some other places, shot myself around. You said you're new in town, so there's definitely places you haven't seen yet. And then I would go back in and not make a big thing. Hi, good to see you. And, and kind of like leave the ch. I think I'm done chit chatting with them at that point. Like, I don't need to talk with them. I don't need them. They're not my friends. Obviously, I'm getting in the way. The owner has made it a thing. I don't know. I wouldn't go back. Fuck them. I know. Now I'm thinking about it. For the owner to come up to you and be like, stop talking to my employees. You're interrupting our software. I would be like, well, good luck with your place. This is a coffee shop. It's a social spot. Your staff has been talking to me. If I'm in the way of something, they can, they're adults who can come up to me and go, hey, I got things to do, but it was really good to see you. That's an adult move. It could have been handled differently. I'm out. I hope they get shut down by the, you know, by the, the health organization. No, I don't, but I, I'm with you. J train podcast@gmail.com. j train podcastmail.com back next week. Boom.