Folks, I have a question. And this one is just for the men listening.

How cold... would you have to be... before you looked down and thought, "Well, I guess THIS is going into the fireplace."

Seriously. What's the temperature? Negative 200? Ice Age? Penguins filing workers' comp claims? Because I can tell you right now, my survival instincts are going to lose that argument every single time.

I ask because there's a story out of Indiana that reads like somebody gave ChatGPT a concussion.

Police respond to a stabbing.

Firefighters respond to a garage fire.

At first you think, "That's a busy night."

Then the investigations merge into one story, and somehow the missing family member turns out to be... well... only partially missing.

According to investigators, this guy allegedly cut off his own penis... and then set it on fire.

Now, I don't know who looked at that crime scene first, but imagine being the detective.

"So... we've got a fire."

"Anything accelerate it?"

"Apparently poor decision-making."

The reports say he admitted it.

Admitted it?

Sir, I don't think you needed a confession. I don't think CSI had to dust for fingerprints. There are some crimes where the evidence introduces itself.

And here's what really gets me.

He gets charged with... arson.

Arson!

That's adding insult to catastrophic injury.

The prosecutor's reading the charges like it's any ordinary Tuesday.

"Sir, you're charged with destruction of property..."

"...and by the way... the State would also like to discuss the garage."

Now, I have practical questions.

Since when is that considered firewood?

I grew up learning about kindling.

Nobody ever said, "If the logs are damp..."

And imagine the Boy Scouts handbook.

"Today we're earning the Fire Safety badge."

"No, Kevin... NOT THAT!"

The article says a family member was reported missing.

Missing member?

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