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I see with brand new eyes no, I've never been so sure Take my head let's run into the unknown this is the beginning. You are listening to the Kristen Boss Podcast. I'm your host, Kristen Boss. As a best selling author and performance coach, I'm on a mission to share about sustainable and purposeful approaches to both business and life. Each week I bring relevant topics that I believe are necessary to create a life of purpose, significance and meaning. Entrepreneurship is about so much more than growing your bottom line. It's about who you are becoming in the process and building a life that is truly extraordinary. Entrepreneurship is really just the beginning. Hey friends. Welcome back to another episode of the podcast. So glad you're here. Thanks for tuning in for another episode, especially after the last one. That one I when the day aired, I was under a blanket most of the day. I had to do a webinar earlier in the day and then I just told my husband. I was like, I'm done. I think I need to have a nap and be under a blanket. I will say your outreach, your kind messages, your reviews, thank you, thank you for every single one of them. Your, your kindness, your grace, your empathy. I'm truly humbled by it. So if you're just catching this episode, this part three of a three part story of my story of kind of, I would say the last year, but I feel like the last year is really kind of part two, three. It's really kind of a shortened summary of, you know, my life 2019 up until present day. And so we're going to continue the conversation. We left off in pretty a pretty hard spot last last episode where I shared that I was quote, found out that I came home to own the mess I made, to take full responsibility and accountability to understand how did I get here, what repairs need to be made. And I think down the road someday I think there will be maybe a joint podcast where Scott and I will talk about our healing together. But this is still just sharing my start, my story, my part. I don't think it's a coincidence that this is also the week that I don't know if you follow Jen Hatmaker, but she released her memoir about what happened in her marriage five years ago. And I'm like, oh gosh, how, how interesting. It was like the same week I decided to share kind of my story. And so yeah, anyways, I'm just thankful for many of you. Some of you even sent me messages saying, hey, your story is my story and thank you. And I think what's interesting is when we hold on to our stories. When the stories stay in the dark, it can tend to be isolating. We tend to think, I am the only one. I am the failure. I'm the problem. Shame. Shame lives in the dark. But when we bring our stories to light, it allows for healing and empathy and, dare I say, connection and community with others in a much more fulfilling and deep way. Not a superficial way. Is people saying, yeah, I still choose to be connected to you and in community with you even. Even knowing these parts of your story. And I wonder if we're able to offer that to more people. And I will say, nothing has taught me empathy more so than my own shortcomings. And maybe that's part of. I turned 40 this year, and maybe that's part of like, turning 40. I've heard that the first 40 years of life is all practice and lessons, and then the second half of life is. Is living it out. And I'm like, man, that feels very true. So anyways, just to kind of bring you up to speed, so I come home and I KN that I had a lot of work ahead of me. A lot of. I know, I was like, all right, therapy's gonna be. We're gonna do a lot of intensive therapy. And I eventually went away for a week long. Intensive. Actually, it wasn't even a week. It was like four days. And I went to a place I can't say, speak enough, highly enough about. It's called on site experiences. And that's where I went and did a lot of deep, intensive work for four days myself. Understand my story, understand the parts of me that I needed to understand, and really understanding how I ignored the warning signs and, and making peace with some things, forgiving myself. And it was really. It was really messy. I'm not going to sit here and say, yeah. And then. And then, you know, I blew up. And then everything was better. No, it was like. It was really painful. And I knew that I needed to go into a season of, like, kind of introspective. And. And this is. This was in the fall of last year. And mind you, I had mentioned this in the first two episodes where there was this kind of thought in the background about feeling. Starting to question if I was still meant to serve the industry I had been serving. And it was starting to. I was, I was getting very weary talking just about, you know, the things that were related to that industry, that model of business, making more sales, you know, growing. Growing your revenue, growing your teams. And. And I, I was very. I felt very Exhausted and depleted with my messaging being about, like, how to grow your Instagram following, how to write a post and how to do, like, my soul felt very dry talking about those things. And all I wanted to talk about was I wanted to talk about the person. And so kind of what filled my cup at the time was I decided inside of our. Our programs I had, you know, the Social Selling Academy. But for all of our students, we offered something called beyond the Business. And I. This, maybe, I think maybe October, we were doing beyond the business calls. And Scott came on those calls with me and we just said, hey, this is. We're going to open up the calls to coaching on anything. It doesn't have to be about your business. It could be about your life. And we. It was one of the biggest calls I had seen as far as attendance in years. We had a certain number of attendance in it, more than 5x what our normal attendance was when we said, hey, we want. We want to coach you around your life. Because, you know, business isn't done in a vacuum. It's done. Your life and your business do touch. They bleed together. It all impacts each other. And oftentimes what's going on in our personal life impacts what's happening in our business and vice versa. And so what was happening in that is. That was. That was becoming deeply, deeply fulfilling for me. And that's where I knew I was like, there's something here, but I. I don't know what that is and what that looks like. So that is when I had the agonizing and I mean truly agonizing decision of deciding to, you know, close the doors of our programs, knowing, like, it was time. I also felt like it would be a disservice to stay for the wrong reasons. Staying because you never want somebody to serve you out of obligation. You want. I want to be served from a place of joy and service. And I. It was starting to feel like obligation. It was starting to not feel as aligned. And I knew, like, it wouldn't be fair and to stay in the industry just because. Just because it was working for me. And I had a lot of respect and accolades and it was easy for me to get stages and all those things like that staying for all the wrong reasons. And I. And I knew that, like, it. I knew it was. It was time, but I didn't know what was gonna do next. And to be honest with you, I really thought I was going to be kind of doing paint by number. And by the way, in this season, when I kind of took a Step back in my healing, really starting last fall is I was doing so much paint by number. Like, that was, like, that was my. That was my therapy. I was doing a ton of paint by number. A lot of just listening to music, a lot of walking, whatever I could do to start to be okay with myself as I was processing a lot of things. And also, like, at this time, I think there was a. There was, like, being. There was being found out in my inner circle and in my private life. And then there was also the deep fear of, like, being found out in my public life and, like, what happens if people find out or if they know. And thankfully, obviously, I've worked through that because I'm here telling my story now, but I just felt, you know, not out of integrity, but it also felt like I. I don't feel right continuing to show up when I'm. When I'm doing this deep, deep healing work in my life. And so, yeah, so the healing looks like therapy. It went to. I went to an intensive. An intensive. My husband and I both went and did that, actually. And really beautiful healing began. And I thought, again, like, the plan was, okay, we'll close doors. And I'm going to say this, like, in your seasons of plenty, be sure you are stewarding well, even in seasons where it feels like the harvest is. Is never ending. Prepare for a rainy day. Prepare for. Prepare for times when it's not like that, because, and thankfully, that is what we did. We were wise with our. With our investments, how we. How we stewarded our. Our income and our revenue and our company, and also wanting to, like, give our employees plenty of notice so that they had other places to go. We wanted to give them ample time to find other job opportunities and those things. And so we wanted to do it well. And so. And there's. It feels hard to be like, how do you do it well, when no matter what you do, there's going to be people that are deeply disappointed with you, that aren't going to understand, that are going to demand an explanation. At the time, I didn't have, like, a great. Other than, like, I'm stepping away. I'm feeling called to something else. It might have been abrupt. Um, but also being willing to be okay with myself with people being like, what are you doing? Why? Uh, and even having some abandonment, some anger, some frustration, some. And, you know, and people let us know. Um, thankfully, I don't look at our support box. I hire somebody for that, so I didn't have to see a lot of the negativity. So. And that's what my team kind of protects me from. And that's important and healthy. And of course, like, they asked me questions if there's like, hey, what do we do with this, this customer? It's not like we write people off, but it's like, hey, what, what is absolutely important for me to know in order to help, like my decision making and the company and those things. So we had made that decision and I, I think there was like, oftentimes when we go through an experience, we tend to, and I talked about this in episode one or Part one Agreements or we swing the pendulum so far in the opposite direction because we're so afraid of repeating our past. And I think part of what happened for me was like, okay, we're going to close these doors. And how I had pictured my healing was, is I had pictured a year of quietness, a year of being completely offline. And I had committed to going, being off of Instagram from I think January to April. So I was off for like a good 90 days and if not longer. And it was really interesting. Even in that break. There was often times where I'm like, oh, I'm, I'm. I had to contend with my story, the story I shared in the last episode, that I was a fear of being left behind, a fear of becoming irrelevant. Well, when you let your Instagram Go for 90 days and you don't post anything, like the algorithm does make you irrelevant, you do become forgotten. You don't show up on the feeds. And so I was having to make peace with my own fear and be okay with that and sit with like, okay, what is my worth apart from an algorithm, apart from that feedback? And my algorithm still hasn't recovered. And that's been all kinds of fun, but also, we'll get to that. And so I really, I had this picture in my head of what I thought healing was going to look like. I wasn't in a hurry to build anything else. I was kind of tired, depleted. Not just, just not from like, not in the sense of burnout, of like, I worked myself too hard, but in the sense of like burnout where I was like, I wasn't in alignment anymore. And I knew I needed to go kind of like on a self discovery journey, for lack of a better term. And so my picture was, okay, I'm gonna be off of social media, I'm gonna go off grid. And we even talked about like, okay, do we even go back to an online business? Do we even have those things? Do we buy Buy up a bunch of Laundromats? Do we buy Airbnbs? Like, there's a lot of ways to, to make money out there. And I, I'm very, I'm familiar with a lot of them and thankfully we're well networked with a lot of people where we could have done a lot of things. And I was like, nah, you know, I was really, I was really convinced for a little bit where I was like, no, we're not, we're not gonna ever have an online business again. Mostly because I think I was just, I equated with what happened to me as like, this is the cost of having a public platform. Therefore, I will never have a public platform again or I away from having a personal brand because I can't be trusted with one. I don't think I realized that story had formed until much later, but I think that is kind of what subconsciously was running through my mind. And so there we go. I have this picture of what our healing is going to look like. And my husband's like, hey, let's just like, at least start brainstorming. And so here's the things I knew. I knew from my five years of working with, with tens of thousands of students, no matter what I knew that there were patterns I always saw. And regardless of what was being taught, I noticed, like, when you serve that many people, you kind of, you look, you notice patterns. And so one of the patterns I noticed was, you know, I saw kind of two groups of people, people every people could be handed the same strategy, the same how tos, the same information. But not everybody would be able to thrive or flourish in the sum in the same way. And so I'm like, what does cause people to stall in inaction or to quit on themselves all the time or those things? And I started to unpack that when I launched the leadership school and talking about like essentially neuroscience and human behavior. But then I really started to be like, okay, what broke for me and what do I see breaking down for others? And that's when I started really. I always, I knew about the nervous system, I knew about nervous system regulation. I knew how important it was to regulate your nervous system. I, you know, about being in a fight flight state. But it wasn't until I really sat with it and looked at the patterns of the people I had been serving and realized, oh my gosh, I could see when people were in an activated or dysregulated state and that part of them was running their business and calling the shots. Because when we are when we have stimuli or circumstances that we come up against, we have a nervous system or we, we perceive or we read the circumstance a certain way. And oftentimes our perceives anything like these, I'm going to call them like micro stressors or microaggressors. And those things would be like. Oftentimes when we think of fight flight or being in a fight flight state, we think of like you know, being in a car accident or there being a crisis or you know, there being violence or all those things. But we don't think of micro aggressors or micro triggers like you know, getting an email that's marked urgent at the end of your day from your boss or your kid acting out in the, in the grocery stor or you know, maybe your spouse making a comment or somebody else making this or somebody like sending you a message or leaving a comment on your feed. Like your nervous system, even though you're not being chased by a bear and no one is actually holding up, you know, a weapon to your face, it doesn't matter, your nervous system still is activated. It goes into a fight flight state. And then you behave from that place and you react to the external stimulus. And so this is what I was noticing for people is I was noticing people were having these. So many people were operating in their life chronically dysregulated in a chronic fight flight freeze or fawn state. And so I'm like, what if, what if we could help people make better decision decisions by helping them regulate their nervous system so that they're not operating from a survival state and they're able to access a different part of their brain, have better, you know, lot critical thinking, they're able to execute better decisions, prioritize their task. Because guys, even, even your time management, your ability to prioritize tasks, your critical thinking, that all happens in your frontal lobe, in your free prefrontal cortex. And when you're in a fight flight state that I want you to think of that like having a WI fi signal that goes offline and the back of your brain, your amygdala is on fire saying like, we need to be safe, we need to get to security as quickly as possible. And every person seeks safety and security differently. So like your fight types, the way that they regain a feeling of safety and security is to regain control of the situation. So that might be, you know, micromanaging or taking a project back from somebody or gaining control of something or the, or a person with a flight response, their way of, you know, establishing safety. We'll think of it. A bear, they run away. So they're avoidant behaviors, you know. And then you have your freeze where when they see the bear, they just. Deer in the headlights, they just stare at the bear like maybe if I don't move. Kind of like Jurassic park, like facing a T. Rex. Maybe if I don't move, it won't attack me. And then there's the fawn where like maybe if I give the bear a snack, it won't eat me. Maybe if I compliment it, it won't attack me. So noticing that everyone has a different way of how they are seeking safety and security. And that was a direct reflection of my story in how I was seeking safety and security. I am a flight type through and through, which is kind of shocking because if you had asked me I probably would have told you no way. I'm a fight type. I, I'm a go getter. I'm those things. However, how I channel my avoidance is through work is like I'm gonna throw myself into productivity because stillness feels deeply unsafe for me. And that was something I had to work through. Like why do I feel unworthy when I rest? Why do all of these stories come up about me? Why. Why do I feel useless unless I'm doing something or producing something? And so when I understood that, when I understood, oh my gosh, it wasn't that I was working too much hours wise, it was that I was chronically and consistently dysregulated. I had a nervous system that was constantly on fire seeking safety and security and I had no idea how to regulate it from what I'm going to call the microaggressors. In my day to day I, I was, I fell apart and, and eventually like we are not made to run away from a grizzly bear. 24 7. Actually, how it's meant, how it's meant to be is you perceive a threat threat, your body floods with adrenaline and cortisol in so to mobilize you or have you run away or get away from the threat depending on, depending on your, on your stress response. If you're fight flight, fawn or freeze. But fight flight like flooded with adrenaline and cortisol, outrun the bear, get to safety. And then once you're in safety, the adrenaline and cortisol and all your stress hormones are meant to leave your body body so that you can actually. So that your body's like cool, we're safe now. Which actually brings your body into a rest and digest state. So by the way, when you're in fight flight, your body's like, we, we don't have time to think about like fertility and digestion and sleep and rest. Like, it's like, nope, Everything is about surviving. And so of course, if you are always out running a bear and your body is never offloading the stress hormones, what do you think happens? There's a lot of research behind this. And I'm not going to sit here and say like, I've gone to school for all these things, but there's plenty of resources out there that do say when, like, chronic stress, stress is the number one killer. And so it's just like, what is prolonged stress due to our bodies? And what's so interesting, if you had asked me in the height of the, of my invincibility, like, Kristen, are you stressed? I would never have told you I'm stressed stressed. I would never have complained. I'm so stressed. I would have said, I have a lot going on right now. I might have even said, I'm overwhelmed. I would have said, there's big, big projects, big stories. But I never would have told you I'm stressed. Because stress, for me, I thought stressed out was like, I pictured somebody who was in collapse, somebody who was hiding under a blanket, unable to do things. I misread my own stress response, not realizing, oh no, I'm stressed. I'm moving a million miles an hour. And my body is always saying, we're not safe, we're not secure, we don't have enough resources. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. And I had no idea that there I was just constantly dysregulated. And so of course, like that dysregulation showed up in every area of my life, not just my business. But look at when I talked about when I escaped to my book, to my Kindle, like the escapism, like my flight, even abandoning myself, dehumanizing myself, avoiding myself, avoiding the healthy things that I had available to me, resourced in my marriage and like self destructing at that level. And so that is when I realized was like, hold up. What if the nervous system is really the key to everything? What if teaching people to regulate before they respond to external stimuli is the answer? Whether that's. And by the way, procrastination, time management, the way you pursue your goals, goals, your consistency, your productivity, it all is related to how your body regulates itself under pressure, how you respond to pressure, what your default stress response is. And so it makes so much sense. Once I understood that, once I saw that, I'm like, I Think this is where I want to go. And so in that. So Scott and I started building this, building this thing. We're like, okay, we're going to build a startup. But again, I had written down all these things I didn't want, but I wrote it down from a point place, from my wounding of like, I don't want to be online, I don't want to do challenges, I don't want a podcast I don't like. Essentially I was like, how do I erase myself? I didn't realize I was doing this, but this was the, the kind of, the positioning I made. How do I erase myself or almost become non existent in this new business? So that I. So that. Because what I was trying to understand, remember I talked about it like an addiction. So I thought being sober meant erasing myself meant, Kristen, you can never be on a stage, you can never have those things because you cannot be trusted. And I operated that way for so long. And so we, we built this startup. We knew, okay, this is where we want to go, this is how we want to help people. And I will tell you, like anytime you go to a new market with a new message, your, you have to be willing to test a million different things. And part of the things that we've been doing is, and I think actually this can be another podcast episode because I do want to share with you the valuable lessons I've been learning in the build. But here's the thing that's shocking. I thought stillness was going to be the main thing to bring about my healing. And I was shocked that so much healing had to come about through building. And what I mean is in the building, like in, in, in stillness, watercolors and paint by numbers and gem art and books and sourdough baking, like that was a respite, but it wasn't bringing up all of my stuff the way that doing a rebuild has. And I've realized our healing happens when we are put in the same circumstance and we choose differently and we operate differently. And that's when I knew, like, it took me probably two weeks ago, I realized, wait, because I told my husband, I was like, gosh, did I jump into the thing too soon? Did I rush? Did I just. Did I exit my healing and go into a build too fast? Like, was that wrong? Did I, did I just hustle into the next thing? And I will tell you, like, again, we. I'm a person of faith. So a lot of prayerful consideration and thought and really sitting down to reflect and making sure I wasn't Just running to the next and having a spouse who loved me to know, like, he knows when I'm running. We. What's so great now is he now knows my signs too. And I didn't realize for so long that I was holding everything in and never allowing him to carry me emotionally. I think I had become so hyper independent, boss babe, that I forgot how to lean in to my spouse, to let him carry me and let him hold me emotionally and allow myself to soften. I had become so rigid, I didn't know how to be soft. And so I will tell you this time around, this year, what he's hearing from me all the time is like, I am now saying, like, I feel tired, I feel weary, I feel like it's heavy. I, I, it's a hard day. I don't think I have it in me. I have never been so vocal about my feelings of vulnerability, of inadequacy, of smallness as I have in my healing. But what's been amazing for that is it's let, it's, it's been letting somebody into that part of me that I never let before because I was usually like, I didn't acknowledge those parts of myself, those parts of myself that felt like where the, the thought was like, I feel small, vulnerable and unworthy. Well, that, that part of me was like, let's just go work more where now this, this version of me that's been doing the healing, she's like, oh, let's pause and sit with that. Let's talk to somebody you love and trust and feel safe and secure with. And that's my, that's my spouse. And voicing that and processing that and not running to my drugs, not running to the substance that normally numbed those things. And I will also tell you, you, my goodness, this, this is, and I think there's another episode here too. I'm a, I think I'll bring a special guest on for it. But what's happened is because I went into a mandatory detox of the thing that gave me the high, which is, you know, a business that was very successful going into a startup, and not only it being the opposite of my last business in the sense of like, money's not coming in, money's going out, a lot of it, and, and being able to be okay with myself and okay with and, and learning to build safety and security within myself and within my relationships instead of in this external thing like my business. Because right now, I will tell you, my business is not offering safety and security. It is incredibly Risky. It is a liability. It's like it is nothing sexy. But I knew that going into, into a startup. And so the thing is, is the healing had to happen in the build in, in, in the parts of me where I'm like, am I willing to put myself back out there? What if people see me, they saw me that with this one really successful thing. What if they see me launch this thing and it isn't as successful? My ego hates that so much, I want to die a million deaths over. But then I realized, okay, wait, hold on. Some of the most successful people in the world. World have multiple ventures and not all of them win. Why do, why would I think I'm the exception to the rule? And so I will tell you in our bringing our new thing to market, and it's called Sandera, this new thing to market is. We've had to test it a million times, like realizing we started with one and we've made a lot of micro shifts and then we're shifting again and then we're shifting our messaging again and again and again and again. And it's one of the hardest things I've ever done. Because, because for me, when I first started my first business, I had nothing to lose. I'd like, no one knew who I was. There wasn't like a reputation on the line. And in the reputation, the, the stakes in my reputation were relatively low. It was just people in my, in my circle. This, here, this. I'm like, this is way worse. I'm like, this is, like, this is. I'm. I'm putting this out there for people to judge and have thoughts about and to be like, well, let's see what she does. At least that's the story I have in my head. Like, oh my gosh, everyone's just gonna watch me do this thing. I feel like there's a lot more at stake here. And I will say, because it's a startup and it's a company and it's not just this little personal brand that, where I'm just, It's just me, myself working with a couple people. You know, there's, there's expenses from the very beginning. And I'm like, oh my gosh, this, this, this feels insane. And I question myself most days. I'm like, was this stupid? I guess we'll find out. But I will say, oh, I can't believe I'm saying this. If all of the time and the energy and the money that we have put into the startup, if the only thing I get out of it Was all the healing it brought in my life. I guess it's worth it because nothing has brought up more for me than building the next thing. And that feels like a really big price tag. Oh, my God. Did my healing have to have that big of a price tag? Did it really have to look like that? Maybe. I don't know. I'm still in the middle of the book. I'm still in the middle of the story. I'm in this really messy middle that I'm inviting you into. But here's the thing. I'm surprised that I, that the, that the healing had to happen in the building. I thought it was going to happen in quietness. And for some people it does. And I did have a season of quiet. But I think the work that needed to be done was all the things that the build was going to bring out in me. And I. God, I just didn't realize, like, how much pride had to die. Like I was telling my friend the other day, I was like, I just feel like I wake up every day and light my ego on fire. And just when I think there's none left, I wake up the next day and what's left of my ego gets bruised. And then I light it on fire. And so I, I goodness, it's been a lesson in so many things. But here's what happened is because I swung the pendulum so far and felt like I had to erase myself, it was finally about a month ago now where I was. Felt like I was beating my head against the wall. I was like, why isn't this working? And I had a friend that say, Kristen said, Kristen, like your offer, what you're doing, it's so good. It's missing the human story. Why did you build Sandara? Why do you have this offer? You have to tell? And I was like, I don't know if I'm ready. I don't know if I'm ready to tell the why of this company. I don't know if I'm ready to tell people, hey, the reason why I built this thing is because I blew my life up. And if I could create an intervention for people to live a more centered whole life where they do not self destruct in harmful ways, however that looks to people. But for me, it was quite harmful. I want to build the lifeline. I want to build the lifeline. Specifically, I think for it could be for anybody. But I really felt it for, for high achievers, people who are wake up every day with like a go get them. Go hard, super gritty, And I'm like, God, I know they're hurting, and they don't even know it. I didn't know it. I was too busy going. Like, there was. I had no idea how much I was suffering until hindsight. And I'm like, nobody talks about that. And so I. I was like, I want to. If I could save one person from destroying the thing they love most, it's worth it. And they're like, then you have to tell the story. I'm like, oh, God, I think I'm gonna die. And then. And then I realized, and we had. We had built, like, this faceless Sandara account, and it just wasn't landing. And I. I. I can see it. I get it. I know why. There was just no human element to it. And I'm like. And so finally, I just told my social media manager. I was like, timeout. This is what we're doing. I was like, I think. I think I meant to. I think I have this story that there isn't a sober version of success, that there isn't a whole and purposeful and aligned version of success. I think I had made this story of, like, you can have success or you can have sobriety, but you don't get both. At least in. In my world, I was like, that Kristen can never have a space, have a brand. And maybe I felt undeserving of it. I felt like, no, I don't deserve a brand. Look at what I did. And. And I had a moment where it's like, what good is a story if it's not a redeemed story? Everyone loves a great character arc, like, of a story that's like, okay, a hero that maybe goes villain, that maybe becomes hero again. Like, we want to know that change is possible. So what better way than to invite people into the story, into the mission, into the healing, into what's going on? And so the healing has been brutal. It has been hard. I have never cried so much as I have this year. But also, I've never. I've. I've never. I have a strange amount of peace in the height of the most uncertainty I've ever had in my life and making some of the hardest decisions, but I'm like, okay, at the very end of the day, like, if the build was only meant to facilitate the healing, it was worth it. It was worth it. And so I want to turn this around to you and ask you, like, whatever you're building, the hard you're in, instead of, trust me, I also want to just offer. I have Plenty of days where I resent, I resent the process. I want out, I cry, I, you know, beat my head against the wall, all those things. And it's easy for me to look at this build as like the worst thing ever. But I would, I want to offer to you, maybe you're in a thing that you are where you are in the hard work of building or growing or nurturing something, and it is brutal. And maybe you are not seeing the byproduct of success that you had hoped to see at this point. First of all, I want you to know, I hear you, I'm with you. I deeply, deeply empathize with you. Okay, but could you look at this build and look at. Okay, but how is the building of this, the nurturing of this, how is this shaping and changing who I am in a positive way? Am I a better partner, friend, spouse, member of my community, a better servant of people? Like, am I a better person for having done this thing? And I will tell you, yes, because for me, the person that would have like gone off grid and bought land and raised chickens, my world would have been entirely insular and, and honestly, self serving. It would have been about me. And I did this crazy thing. I could have, we could have just taken our startup money and literally just gone off grid and raised chickens and lived a quiet life. But for some reason, for some reason, I did the crazy thing. I'm like, you know what? No, let's just invest it into a startup. Because I guess I'm an entrepreneur through and through. I guess I, I guess I want to sign up for growth again. I guess I'm willing to do all the messy parts again. But the wiser part of me gets to run this show. It's like. And I truly believe that my story is getting redeemed, the stage is getting redeemed, my brand is getting redeemed, whatever, however you want to call it, you can call it a rebrand. I'm calling it my, my, my redemption arc. Like, this is, this is my redemption arc. And, and it is messy. And there's, trust me, my pride would have so much rather have disappeared for a year and then come back out with like a fancy best seller, my face all over a billboard and like, with a big story of like how I overcame everything and now I'm the best seller. And now like I've, I've seen more success than ever. Like, I really would have loved that. But alas, that is not, that is not what I'm walking. I'm. I guess I'M just like, all right, everybody, welcome to the really Messy Middle where I'm on to the next chapter and you're a part of it with me. So I'm excited about next episode. We'll talk a little bit more about nervous system regulation, how that impacts, impacts your day to day life. We've got some great guests coming up ahead. I'm excited. I'm so glad to be back. I'm so glad that we're in this together. And hey, do me a favor. If you haven't left a review, please do so. But also, don't be afraid to send us an email. If you're on our email list and you want to hear a certain topic on something, let me know. I'd love to hear or tell me on Instagram. Send me a dm. Say, hey, Kristen, I'd love if you could talk about this or how, how can you share a little bit more about this? I want to hear from you. I'd love to do that again. Thank you so much for being here. Thanks for listening. And here's to the Messy Middle and the Next chapter. That's a wrap for today's episode. Listen, if you love what you heard here today, I would love for you to leave a real quick rating and a review. This helps the show get discovered by new people. Be sure to take a screenshot of today's episode and shout us out on Instagram. We'll shout you right back out. If you'd like to find additional resources or discover how to work with me, head to www.kristenboss.com right here.