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Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Welcome one and all in here out there. Welcome everybody to the Late Show. I am your host Stephen Colbert and ladies and gentlemen, we are now. This is day two, right? This is day two, Tom. We are now two days into the Middle east ceasefire brokered by Donald Trump and it is earning him some praise. Last night, Time magazine dropped a new issue to commemorate the deal. Let's take a look at his heroic cover shot. Okay, OOH Worst Georgia o' Keefe ever. You know what? You know what, Yvonne? Can we see that again?
Bette Midler
No.
Stephen Colbert
There'S a lot going on there. It's like one of those optical illusions where you can't tell if it's an old woman or a young ball sack. You gotta move.
Bette Midler
You gotta.
Stephen Colbert
What's up? Duck Rabbit.
Bette Midler
Now.
Stephen Colbert
Of course, of course. Hey, how's it going? Of course, the President of the United States is far too busy hammering out the details of a deal to end a generational conflict in the Middle east to worry about how he looks on some bi weekly magazine. You would think. But of course he posted. Time magazine wrote a relatively good story about me, but the picture may be the worst of all time. He's right. You gotta hand it down. It is. It is one of the worst. One of the worst of all time. Why didn't Time magazine just use one of his beautiful NFTs? Like the one of him solving horse crimes? Or the one where he has an extremely casual attitude toward highway safety? Or this classic portrait of Trump's high level summit with King Flaming Space Lion. Or you want a flattering photo for the COVID of Time? How about this one?
Bette Midler
Wait.
Stephen Colbert
Wait, what's that? Iman. Wait, what's.
Bette Midler
Hold on.
Stephen Colbert
What's that pervert doing there? I mean, take the pervert out. Thank you. Thank you, King Flaming Spaceline. Trump returned home today after a summit over in Egypt to coordinate world leaders on the next phase of the ceasefire. French President Emmanuel Macron was there. And as usual, when they shook hands, it got weird. Okay, here we go. Handshake, engage. That's fine. More than enough at this point. Little pat on the arm for each of them. They're holding hands. They're still holding hands. And a switch grip. Little flip. Now a little fist pat. Little fist pat right there. He points at the crowd for some reason. Still not letting go.
Bette Midler
Not.
Stephen Colbert
It's getting weird. It's messy. A messy, protracted withdrawal.
Bette Midler
And.
Stephen Colbert
Frenchie out.
Bette Midler
And.
Stephen Colbert
Ta da, da, da. Trump also made things super awkward with Italian Prime Minister Giorgio Maloney. We have a woman, a young woman, who's. I'm not allowed to say it because usually it's the end of your political career if you say it. She's a beautiful young woman. But I'll take my chances.
Bette Midler
Where is she?
Stephen Colbert
There she is. You don't mind being called beautiful, right? Because you are. That is pure. No, no, ladies and gentlemen, that is pure diplomacy. Madam Prime Minister, with all due respect, you are hotter than Jessica Rabbit in a burger bikini. Would you. Any chance you wanted to be my fourth wife? We could call you. Melonia. Wouldn't even have to change the towels. Trump returned. Trump returned to Washington to find he still had the same neck. And no government. And it has been. It's two weeks. It's two weeks of the no government.
Bette Midler
Right.
Stephen Colbert
It's been two weeks, and there's no end in sight. Yesterday, Speaker Mike Johnson said this. We're barreling toward one of the longest shutdowns in American history, and the government is shut down indefinitely. Yeah. So like any building that sits unused this time of year, the Capitol's now a spirit. Halloween. There's no great deals. Great deals. Take the kids, get a big skeleton. There's no denying that the shutdown has gotten fugly. Trump has started firing people. And no agency has gotten it worse than the CDC, where late Friday night, Health and Human Services Secretary RFK Jr dismissed more than 1,000 scientists, doctors, and public health officials. I mean, between Doge and this, who even works at the CDC anymore? My two Ravens. Now, they're saying some of the CDC firings were what they're calling mistakes. But these cuts have hit teams that investigate disease outbreaks and manage infectious disease responses, leading one former CDC official to say CDC is over. It was killed. Killed? Was it Tylenol?
Bette Midler
Really?
Stephen Colbert
No, no, no, it wasn't. Shutdown is also having a huge impact on travel. Flights are delayed all over the place, air traffic controllers working without pay. And now the government wants to force everyone in line at airport security to have to watch a new TSA Checkpoint video starring Kristi Noem. Okay, you can't. You're stuck there. She's making something bad you can't get out of. So much worse. It's like when you're in the middle of getting your teeth cleaned and the dentist punches you in the balls. We've all been there. Now you gotta floss. Now, that's what you get for not flossing, is the logic of that. Now, most folks are blaming this shutdown chaos on the GOP for the unfair reason that they control the entire federal government. But Kristi Noem's video names a different culprit, and you'll never guess who it is unless you guess. Democrats, Democrats in Congress refuse to fund.
Bette Midler
The federal government, and because of this.
Sponsor/Announcer
Many of our operations are impacted.
Bette Midler
Our hope is that Democrats will soon.
Stephen Colbert
Recognize the importance of opening the government. Nice try, Christy, but your partisan attacks will never divide the people at the airport. We are proudly united in wondering why the rules seem to be different for Every line you're going through, why are those people over there our backpacks in the bin. But we're backpacks right on the rolly thing here. And you have to go through the arms up.
Bette Midler
Beep boop.
Stephen Colbert
Over here. But it's a royal welcome for the baby in the metal stroller, which could be made of knives for all we know. And why do I have to take my pants off? Why?
Bette Midler
Why?
Stephen Colbert
I don't understand. Why do I have to drop and take out my laptop and grip it between my butt cheeks and walk through the metal detector like this, like that. Why am I doing that? Then I have to turn around and somebody's gotta come over and grip them with their butt cheeks and take it the rest of the way. The whole time I'm thinking, why did I spring for the 13 inch?
Bette Midler
Now.
Stephen Colbert
Now. Speaking. Should have gone with the airbook. Speaking of government abuse, it's been a week since Donald Trump sent National Guard troops to Chicago. And the optics of the military in American cities is really bad. And Trump is all about optics, which is why his administration got upset about this photo that went viral of the Texas National Guard arriving in Chicago. Look, I don't think we should be sending troops to Chicago, but if we are, it makes sense that we're sending the most Chicago ass looking dudes I have ever seen. Those guys looks like they were conceived in the third inning of a Cubs game. They look, they look like they were born Chicago breech, which means mustache first. They, they look like their names are duh and bears. Now look, now look, I don'. Now I don't know these guys. I don't know how much they bench. And I don't think you can judge people's physical fitness based on a picture. But Pete Hegseth does, because after this photo went viral, people pointed to his statement last month that he no longer wanted to see fat troops and fat generals and admirals. Well, sure. He only wants to see big, strong leaders who could birth a 10 pound baby out of their wadd. The president's neck is fully dilated and effaced, so 10 center. It's crowning. It's crowning. So wow, we're all adults now, so it makes sense. It makes sense. Stop. We got more jokes. So it makes sense. It makes sense that shortly after that photo of the soldiers getting off the transport there made rounds, the Texas National Guard announced they had replaced members who did not meet military physical standards. Yes, the military has very high physical standards. Just ask Pete Hegseth. I could look at that leg kick, I could do those. Jimmy Carter could do those.
Sponsor/Announcer
Now.
Stephen Colbert
In response to all this obvious abuse of authoritarian power by the administration, this weekend, ladies and gentlemen, there will be 2,500 rallies across the United States under the banner of the no Kings protest. All right, Saturday. Check your local listings. No Kings. Yes, it's no Kings. Or as the Republicans are calling it, this Hate America rally that they have coming up for October 18th. This is about one thing and one thing. A Hate America rally. Hate America. It's no Kings. America does not like kings. There are only three good kings in Gayle, Stephen and Berger. So mad. If you're no fan of kings, you can scan this QR code right there to find a march near you. We got a great show for you tonight.
Bette Midler
Coming up.
Sponsor/Announcer
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Stephen Colbert
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Bette Midler
Two.
Stephen Colbert
Seriously, it's $15 a month. Three, no big contracts. Four, I use it. Five, my mom uses it.
Bette Midler
Are you.
Stephen Colbert
Are you playing me off? That's what's happening, right? Okay, give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch upfront.
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Stephen Colbert
Welcome back everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is a legendary and actress you know from films like Hocus Pocus, the First Wives Club and the Fabulous Four. Please. Welcome to the Late Show, Bet Midler. Thank you so much for being here. Did you bring your diploma? I did.
Bette Midler
I did. Well, it's not my diploma. It's yours. I want to beg you. Don't go. Don't go, don't go. I'm here. Don't.
Stephen Colbert
God. I'm here till May, before I return to Norway.
Bette Midler
I know, but I'm not coming back. Oh, okay. No, I might. I worked this up for you because I wanted to thank you personally and publicly for all you did for me for these last nine and a half years. Oh, that's. I would not. Oh, really? Thank you. And I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I would not. I'm going to cry. I would not have made it through without you. I really wouldn't have. Oh, that's very smart. You're a voice of sanity and reason and honesty and most important, honor. Honor.
Stephen Colbert
Oh, that's nice of you, saying occasionally funny. I hope, too.
Bette Midler
Oh, no, no, no, wait. That goes without saying. That goes without saying. You're hilarious. But it's all this other stuff mixed in with it, which is so rare nowadays. Anyway, so I wrote a little something for you, and I feel you're a national. Well, it's a kind of a proclamation. You know, I have a. I have a long reputation for singing certain talk show hosts off the air. And so.
Stephen Colbert
No, I know that. I actually was going to show everybody this. Like, this is you, famously with Johnny, back at the air.
Bette Midler
Oh, yes.
Stephen Colbert
Famously with Johnny. Not that I'm. I would never compare myself to Johnny, but.
Bette Midler
No, no, please.
Stephen Colbert
But that's. But that's. I was. Yeah, I know you, of course.
Bette Midler
Well, you know, I sang Krusty the Crown off, too.
Stephen Colbert
Krusty.
Bette Midler
I did. I did.
Stephen Colbert
I sang Krusty the.
Bette Midler
He sure did.
Stephen Colbert
He sure did. He did.
Bette Midler
I was in a Simpsons once. I was thrilled with it. Thrilled. Anyway, so this is what I wrote. But I have to find my note, and I haven't sung in a long time, so I'm.
Stephen Colbert
What note do you need?
Bette Midler
I need a. If I only knew. I think it's a B flat. But I wouldn't do it.
Stephen Colbert
I would go.
Bette Midler
It must have been cold here at the Late show. Despite the high ratings and awards. You need a gig that's more worthwhile now that you're more in demand than Epstein's file. Did you ever know that you're my Frodo. You stand for what's right with wit and class. Thank you. And I hold you high as the great E G youe never kissed the orange ass. You never kissed the orange ass. Never kissed the orange ass. Oh, you, you, you, you never.
Stephen Colbert
Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, I don't get that. I don't get the kiss feature.
Bette Midler
Fly, fly, fly away Like Gandalf's golden wings. Thank you, thank you. Thank God for you. The Lord of all our reigns. I love you, I love you.
Stephen Colbert
I love you, I love you. Well.
Bette Midler
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Stephen Colbert
Well, everybody, thank you for joining us for my last show.
Bette Midler
I know it's not your last show, but. I know it's not your last show, but who the knows what's gonna happen? I mean, every day it's day to day.
Stephen Colbert
Exactly. That's what I say to my exec over there, Tom, see you tomorrow. And he says, game day decision.
Bette Midler
That's how we all feel. That's how we all feel. I have to thank Eric Kornfeld. He'll freak out if I don't thank him. He wrote most of it. He wrote.
Stephen Colbert
It was my. I could tell.
Bette Midler
And it was my son in law who said, you know, st is the king of Lord of the Rings. He is. You've even been to New Zealand for it.
Stephen Colbert
I am king geek. Yes, exactly you are. You've worked with so many amazing people. One of my favorite other comedians that you've worked with is Lily Tomlin. She's great. Here you are. Here you are. In the 1988 film Big Business. Is it true that your comedic advice to her was to lighten up?
Bette Midler
Yeah, I did say that.
Stephen Colbert
What do you mean by lighten up? To Lilith Tomlin.
Bette Midler
You know, she's very particular and she's very, very, very, very. What's the word? She's just. I don't want to use the word severe. It's not that she's severe. It's that she wants things done in a certain way because she is.
Stephen Colbert
She's precise.
Bette Midler
Yeah, she's precise. Her comic timing depends on this precision. And so I told her, lighten up. And she fell down laughing. She laughed so hard. And I got this. I have a beautiful picture of her just going. And me standing over her going. And I loved it. I loved it. At one point.
Stephen Colbert
You milk a cow.
Bette Midler
I do milk a cow in that very same way.
Stephen Colbert
Here you are milking a cow and I'm curious, was this a real, real cow or was that a stunt? Was it a stunt milker?
Bette Midler
It was not a stunt. I was really milking the fricking cow and that. And that was a.
Stephen Colbert
You know how to milk a cow. You learned?
Bette Midler
I learned on. Oh, and I had no idea I'd never milked a towel before. And when I felt its utters, I was like, this is fabulous. And you know, I mean, it was. Yeah. And very satisfying because it goes into the puddle. The pail fills.
Stephen Colbert
The pail fills up the piddle and the puddle.
Bette Midler
The piddle fills up fast.
Stephen Colbert
The pillow in the puddle fills up fast.
Bette Midler
And you know, RFK loves that. I mean, he loves that.
Stephen Colbert
That raw milk.
Bette Midler
He loves that raw milk.
Stephen Colbert
Who doesn't like e coli Among. We have to take a quick break. We'll be right back with more Bette Midler, everybody.
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Stephen Colbert
Hey, everybody. We're back with the one and the only, the wonderful Bette Midler. Another fantastic actress. We just lost Diane Keaton. Here you are together with her in First Wives Club. Last night we played an interview I did with her years ago. I just loved. She was such a genius. She's so wonderful. Such joyful kind of chaos trying to interview her. What were some of your memories?
Bette Midler
Well, it was chaotic, but, you know, there was something about her that was completely and utterly magical. She was completely her own person. And there's. And inimitable. I've never seen a single comic or actress who actually could imitate her. She was inimitable. You couldn't.
Stephen Colbert
So authentically herself.
Bette Midler
Yeah, so authentically herself. And of course, she was brilliantly dressed. I mean, in her Instagram page, I followed her. She's one of the few people that I ever followed on Instagram because it was so brilliant. The photographs. She was a photographer and she also wrote a number of books. And the books are really wonderful. Very moving about her family. And I don't know, I just. I have a great memory of her with Goldie Hawn. When we made First Wives Club, I had never worked. This was our first scene together. I had never met them before. And we sat down at the Beaux Art, the Cafe des Beaux Arts over on the. I think it's still there. And we were at a roundtable, and I was so, like, I was so intimidated because they had been before the cameras for, you know, many, many, many, many movies. And I was a little bit of a newbie. I made like five. So we sat there and they started telling stories. And I'm telling you, I never laughed so hard in my whole life. I just laughed. The entire day just flew by like a dream. It really was brilliant and magical. Magical.
Stephen Colbert
People may not know this, but for the past 30 years, you have been founder and director of the nonprofit New York Restoration. Okay, so New York could use a little restoring. I mean, always, always. But right now, New York could use a little restoring.
Bette Midler
Could do.
Stephen Colbert
What kind of projects do you take?
Bette Midler
Well, we are a cleaning and greening organization. We started 30 years ago. I came back from the earthquake in 94 to New York from Los Angeles. And when I came, I would be on the highways or I would be on the streets, and I would see so much garbage in the public spaces. And I feel that nature is a fundamental right. And I felt that it was unfair. There are some very, very beautiful parks. The New York Central Park Conservancy runs a fantastic operation, and their park is world class. But there are many, many really big green spaces in the five boroughs that are under resourced, underfunded, and nobody pays any attention to them. And those are the ones that I wanted to bring back. I'm a big believer in restoration. This jacket is 30 years old.
Stephen Colbert
The annual benefit. The annual benefit. Hulu.
Bette Midler
The benefit is called Huluween. The theme is New York. New York, a hell of a town.
Stephen Colbert
And you've had hellsome costumes over the years. Oh, my gosh. There you are.
Bette Midler
There I am.
Stephen Colbert
There you are. As a flower. Not sure what. What's going on here. There you are. Hello, Dolly.
Bette Midler
No, no, no, that was Mae West.
Stephen Colbert
That's May West. Okay, come up and see me sometime, I think. And I don't know what's going on.
Bette Midler
That was in the cosmos. Huluini. In the cosmos.
Stephen Colbert
What do you have planned this year?
Bette Midler
Well, I can't tell you what I have planned, but I will tell you that I will not be wearing a brassiere. Not only I will not be wearing a brassiere, I will not be wearing a corset. I will not be wearing Spanx. I will not be dressed up like a Christmas goose with my boobs on a platter. I will not. Because I'm nearly 80, this is my 80th year, and I'm fed up.
Stephen Colbert
You're fed up?
Bette Midler
I am fed up. Plus, I have gerd.
Stephen Colbert
You have what?
Bette Midler
Gerd. You know, gastrointestinal. I have acid reflux. You get it?
Stephen Colbert
I didn't know that.
Bette Midler
If your clothes are too tight, you get gird. Gird, it's called and it's all acronyms now. I can't even keep. I can't even keep track. Well, anyway, that's what they told me I had, so they said, take your clothes off. So.
Stephen Colbert
And you decided just to keep them off for Halloween this year. Oh, I love it. So you're going as a free spirit.
Bette Midler
Oh, I can't wait. Those were great years. Yeah, those were great years. The 60s, the 70s. I mean, the town did fall apart in the 70s, sure. But then it came back in the 90s, and I'm going to give credit where credit is due. Mr. Giuliani, I don't know what happened to him. Mr. Giuliani was pretty. He was on the money in those days, and he was. In fact, we own 52 community gardens all around New York City, five boroughs. And he sold them to us. And he didn't have to sell them, but the gardeners who had been on these vacant lots for, like, 20 years, they dressed up as bed bugs. And they dressed up. Not bed bugs. Ladybugs. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's going south.
Stephen Colbert
That's now. The bedbugs are now.
Bette Midler
So going south. So going south. Okay. Ladybugs and birds, and they roosted in the trees. And it was a terrible PR nightmare for him. So I sort of, like, had a little talked with him, and he actually, he came through for us. He sold us those.
Stephen Colbert
Yeah. There was a different Giuliani back then.
Bette Midler
Yes, it was a different Giuliani.
Stephen Colbert
Yes. Until he succumbed. Doctors say he succumbed to Merlot.
Bette Midler
Merlo.
Stephen Colbert
He tested positive. He tested positive for Chianti, unfortunately.
Bette Midler
Well, Bette, I think he was at Merlot by then.
Stephen Colbert
Bette, it was wonderful to see you. Thank you so much for being here.
Bette Midler
I still enjoyed this.
Stephen Colbert
Tickets are available right now for the New York Restoration Project's annual Huluween Benefit. Bette Midler everybody. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives. Sunday, you can count on an NFL on CBS. Week 7 schedule featuring divisional rivalries and must see QBs beginning with the Raiders on the road against Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs, a late afternoon showdown with the Colts taking on the Chargers or rookie sensation Jackson Dart and the Giants meeting the Broncos. It all begins at noon Eastern with the NFL today. You can always count on Sundays with the NFL on CBS and streaming on.
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Stephen Colbert
I should take pills for fun.
Sponsor/Announcer
I would take just that long to reclaim the magic.
Bette Midler
I took dad to the studio every day.
Stephen Colbert
God, he's having a great time. Of course he's making music. I think that that's fuel for my dad.
Sponsor/Announcer
One last time, what do you think.
Bette Midler
About big farewell show?
Stephen Colbert
I'm not good at being sick. I'd be long up there, you know.
Bette Midler
Had a brilliant career and it ended in a brilliant way.
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Episode: Bette Midler | America's Neck Top Model
Date: October 15, 2025
This episode blends Stephen Colbert’s signature political satire with heartfelt nostalgia and showbiz camaraderie, featuring the legendary Bette Midler as the main guest. Colbert delivers his take on the latest political chaos, including the government shutdown, Trump’s diplomatic misadventures, and the militarization of Chicago, before turning to a warm, funny, and sometimes emotional interview with Midler. The episode stands out for its mix of biting humor, touching gratitude, celebrity reminiscence, and a few memorable musical moments.
Middle East Ceasefire & Press Coverage
Colbert opens with topical jokes about the recently brokered Middle East ceasefire by Donald Trump, lampooning Trump’s obsession with his image on magazine covers.
Awkward Diplomacy
Colbert skewers Trump’s bizarre handshakes with French President Macron and the clumsy, sexist comments toward Italian PM Giorgia Meloni.
Government Shutdown & Fallout
Lampoons the drawn-out government shutdown, CDC firings by Secretary RFK Jr, and the absurdities of TSA security under new political propaganda.
Militarization of Chicago
Satirizes the spectacle of sending National Guard troops to Chicago, especially focusing on their “authentic” Chicago looks and Pete Hegseth's fitness obsessions.
"No Kings" Protest Movement
Announces the upcoming "No Kings" protest rallies against authoritarianism, jabbing at Republican rhetoric:
Colbert on TSA security theater:
“Why do I have to drop and take out my laptop and grip it between my butt cheeks and walk through the metal detector like this? ... The whole time I'm thinking, why did I spring for the 13 inch?” (09:26–10:04)
Midler’s cheeky tribute song:
“Thank you. And I hold you high as the great E G youe never kissed the orange ass. You never kissed the orange ass. Never kissed the orange ass.” (17:36–18:56)
Midler on aging at Huluween:
“Because I'm nearly 80, this is my 80th year, and I'm fed up... Plus, I have gerd.” (26:23–26:49)
Midler on New York Restoration:
“I feel that nature is a fundamental right... and those are the ones that I wanted to bring back.” (25:05)
Playful, irreverent, affectionate, and witty. Colbert’s sharp satire draws laughs from today’s chaos, while Midler’s appearance brings spirited humor and warmth. The episode is a blend of acerbic late-night politics and genuine showbiz affection, all delivered with plenty of Broadway flair.
For listeners: This episode is a must-hear for fans of sharp political comedy, Broadway legends, and heartfelt late-night TV moments. Even if you missed it, these memorable exchanges and comedic highlights will leave you both laughing and touched.