Transcript
A (0:01)
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B (0:08)
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A (0:09)
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B (0:24)
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A (0:28)
Delivery fees may apply. Welcome to the Late show, everybody. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. I don't need to tell y' all what's going on. Over the weekend, the United States and Israel conducted a massive bombing campaign against Iran. We now face an unpredictable and unstable situation. That brings me to my long running segment, America at What? We haven't run that graphic in six years. I said long running, not frequent. This military mission has been dubbed Operation Epic Fury. Fun fact. No, fun fact. Epic Fury is an anagram for French. Forget Epstein. Now right off the top, can we check that? Can we check, make sure that's the case. Fact check that. Now right off the top, I want to point out that an open ended war of choice in the Middle east with no clear exit strategy or defined victory is where I got on this train. And in the last 25 years of talking about this stuff on TV, I have learned not to stand up here and say like Moses on the mountaintop or on day three of a new war, whether this is going to be a good or this is going to be a bad. But I will definitely say that we have no clear idea where this is going or why it's going there. Now say what you want about George W. Bush, and I did okay. He sold that guy, went out there, he sold his Middle East. War. That's what the W stood for. Middle East. He was not a smart man. He went to the un, he went to Congress, he gave speeches for a year leading up to it. He sent Colin Powell to the UN with a vial of what appears to be country time lemonade. Just this much. Just this much could have refreshed everyone on the Security Council. Compare that to the present potus. Six days ago, he gave what is officially the longest state of the union dress of all time. And the subject of Iran was a drive by in a two hour speech. He gave it three minutes. The man's had longer farts. But whether or not he explained the need to the American people beforehand, the fact is we're at war or we're not. Because according to the Constitution and the war Powers act, only Congress can declare war. And he never got approval from Congress. But he did say the lives of courageous American heroes may be lost and we may have casualties. That often happens in war. So it is a war, which means it might be an illegal war. And now Congress is going to punish him by voting to give Trump war powers after the Iran strikes. Just as good. Don't worry, honey. I'm going to put the condom on right after we have sex. Although admittedly, that might make it a little more difficult to get on hold. It's like trying to put a glove on mashed potatoes. Saturday afternoon. By Saturday afternoon, Iranian state media confirmed that Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is dead. Now, to be clear, Khamenei was not a good guy. He was a ruthless autocrat, but he was 86 years old. Do we really need two carrier groups to kill him? You could have just spilled some water on the kitchen floor and taken away his life. Alert. He'd never get up. The Ayatollah was in power for a staggering 37 years, starting in 1989, following the death of revolutionary founder Ayatollah Ruholla Khomeini. Now, Khomeini came after Khomeini. It sounds like those are similar. So here's how you remember it. I before E. That's neither of them. You're welcome. Now, immediately. Immediately. Both the United States and Israel said that Operation Epic Fury was launched, seeking regime change. But apparently regime change doesn't necessarily mean changing the regime. Trump pitched a repeat of Maduro here, sorta saying, what we did in Venezuela, I think, is the perfect. We kidnapped Venezuela's president, left all the other bad guys in charge, blocked the legitimately elected guy from power, and stole their oil. That scenario can be described as perfect in the same way that Saw II can be described as one woman's journey to find herself. But we can't. We can't. We can't pull a Venezuela. We can't pull a Venezuela even if we wanted to. Because when asked about a succession plan, Trump said the attack was so successful, it knocked out most of the candidates. It's not going to be anybody we were thinking of, because they're all dead. Second or third place is dead. If everyone you wanted to take over is dead, then it wasn't a successful mission. Good news, kids. I killed that spider in your room. And your hamster is dead. And the cat is dead. They're all dead. Today was a success, but when it comes to launching this new war, the question Everyone is asking is to quote the President's favorite song, why? They said. Part of it. They said, regime change. But Trump also said that he had to do this in order to achieve freedom for the Iranian people, which is related to regime change. So that's pretty straightforward. Until he later said the reason was that Iran might strike first. Got it? Got it. Or maybe not, Because Trump then said it was a response to Iran using games, tricks, and stall tactics in their recent negotiations. Sure, fine. Until he told ABC that this was because of the Ayatollah's foiled plots to assassinate him, saying, I got him before he got me. They tried twice. I got him first. This is war, not a game of tag. I got him before he got me. And now you can't tag back because the Mar A Lago Ballroom is the safe zone. Ollie, Ollie, Ayatollah free. You can't tag back. You can't touch. No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Remember, I'm rubber and you're kablooey. So what do we got here? Regime change, Freedom for the Iranian people. Too many games and tricks. Get him before he gets me. Then finally today, Trump landed on his fifth rationale during a ceremony at the White House. An Iranian regime armed with long range missiles and nuclear weapons would be an intolerable threat to the Middle east, but also to the American people. Our country itself would be under threat, and it was very nearly under threat. Very nearly under threat is very nearly a good reason to send our troops into harm's way. Tragically, six American service members have already died in his war. That sacrifice, and any sacrifices to come, any loss of civilian life for that matter, deserve at the very least, clarity from our leaders as to why that sacrifice is being asked. Because this war is on, and it seems like there could be more of it. Iran has already launched missiles at Israel, the, the uae, Saudi Arabia, Cyprus, Qatar, Oman, Bahrain, Jordan, Syria, Kuwait, and Lebanon. My God, that's the entire Trump board of peace. But that shouldn't come as a surprise. None of that should come as a surprise, because here's the thing. We know that once you start bombing, folks, the fighting tends to take on a life of its own. As Admiral Julius Pringle once said, one once you pop, you can't stop. Trump is also. He said that. Check that out, too. Trump is also open to negotiations with Iran during the war. He says yesterday he told the Atlantic, they want to talk, and I have agreed to talk, so I will be talking to them. But also, he noted that some of the Iranians involved in the negotiations in recent weeks were no longer alive. But we are going to Weekend at Bernie's them to complete the negotiations. Marco is going to deploy the sunglasses and Pete's going to do this funny thing where he makes him hump a surfboard. The reporter then asked Trump whether he had any indication of renewed Iranian threats against the US homeland since the start of the attack. Trump's response? I don't want to tell you that. Oh, it's like the old terror alert system from way back when it goes, I don't want to tell you that you get three guesses and rhymes with everyone is bread. No surprise, the color coding. I remember the color coding now. Surprisingly, no member of the administration came out on the Sunday shows this weekend to defend the president's decision to attack. Until this morning when the Pentagon sent out Pete Hegseth. He promised that this war will contain 0% woke. No stupid rules of engagement, no nation building quagmire, no democracy building exercise, no politically correct wars. No politically correct wars, no gluten free missiles. This is 100% raw milk, all beef death patty that could lead to the destruction of mankind. Not personkind. Okay? It's Armageddon, not Armageddon. You wanna go, bro? You wanna go? You got a problem, bro? Somewhere else. Somewhere else. Hegseth also assured the American people that this war will not be like previous Mideast quagmires. To the media outlets and political left screaming, endless wars. Stop.
