Transcript
Stephen Colbert (0:00)
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Kelly Clarkson (1:01)
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Stephen Colbert (1:34)
Welcome. Welcome to the Late show one and all. I am your host, Stephen Colbert, folks. Nice group of people. Nice group of people. Really nice. You know, I don't know if you've been noticed, but ever since Trump got back into office, he's been waging a campaign of vengeance against his enemies who he believes have been trying to take him down. Now he's focused all of his rage on the one foe who refused to take him up. And that is the UN Escalator. So right now, let's take a fond look back at what happened on Tuesday. Trump walks up to the escalator, steps on and uh. Oh, no. That sudden stop was a close call, especially for the first lady because he almost touched her. Yeah. Yeah, they should put, they should slide in some sort of shield like those pieces of paper they put between slices of cheese.
Jeremy Strong (2:39)
Just.
Stephen Colbert (2:42)
That was just two days ago, right? That was two days ago. Nobody was hurt. They walked up the stopped escalator, sometimes known as Stairs. But Trump just will not let it go. Last night, he went on social media and wrote all this about it. Skip recipe. Skip to recipe. I don't want to know about your grandmother's childhood in Moldova. Just how do you make borscht? I don't want to know. In the post, he described his harrowing experience the day the escalator died. The escalator going up to the main speaking floor came to a screeching halt. It stopped on a dime. It's amazing that Melania and I didn't fall forward onto the sharp edges of those steel steps face first. Now, usually when a drama queen throws that much of a hissy, at least Andy Cohen interviews them after the show. This. No, that's the basic idea, right? That's the basic idea. The White House has already demanded the UN Find whoever was responsible for this escalator escapade. And in his post, Trump went further, saying the people that did it should be arrested. Yes, it's a police matter now. Which brings us to another installment of our hit new CBS procedural, Escalator Investigator. Welcome, longtime viewers of Escalator Investigator may recall that on our first episode, which was yesterday, the UN Explained that the escalator stopped after a built in safety mechanism was likely triggered by Trump's videographer, who, as you can see in this footage, is riding ahead of Trump on the escalator. Case closed. Or is it? Yes, it is. But what's that? I'm being told there's more to invescalate because again, in his post, Trump says there were not one, not two, but three very sinister events. This was triple sabotage at the U.N. my God, this can only mean one thing. I'm getting a primetime special episode. Escalator Investigator. Triple sabotage at the U.N. welcome. Triple sabotage at the U.N. of course, also the title of your book your dad bought at the airports. So what was the second UN Sabotage? My teleprompter didn't work. It was stone cold dark. I then proceeded to make a speech without a teleprompter. Very few people could have done what I did. You mean read your speech from the grandpa? Easy eye print right in front of you with certain difficult to sound out words in all caps like grocery and gasoline. Let's see here, we got grockery and gas, gas, gas. Acetaminophen. Is that right? Is that good enough? Is that close enough? But nice, nice. But this clear case of teleprompter sabotage means I have no choice but to call in an expert. Welcome. So, are there any subtle Clues about who sabotaged the President's teleprompter. So far, all we know, according to the UN Is that the teleprompter for the President is operated by the White House. So looks like our whodunit has become a who dum dum. But wait, we haven't. Wait, we haven't solved the third sabotage? After making the speech, I was told that the sound was completely off in the auditorium, and world leaders, unless they use the interpreter's earpieces, couldn't hear a thing. What? The sound in the auditorium was compromised, which means it's time for ineffective acoustics. Detective. Smooth fix. Well, welcome. Our third mystery. Why did people have trouble hearing Trump in the room? So far, the only evidence we have is the answer, which is that it's always quiet in the auditorium because the UN Sound system was designed to allow people to hear speeches through earpieces. Oh, oh, oh, right. Let's check the return policy at Spirit Halloween. Would you please rise for those. Get to the seats. We don't have to. How much do those. How much do those hats cost to rent? $40 million. Oh, here's something from the grin bin. The government could shut down in less than a week. A complete shutdown. What would that even look like? There you go. There you go. I'm so. Oh. Terrifying. Terrifying. I'm so glad neither of those two people were injured, because I will enjoy showing that footage every night until May. Whatever happens. Over in the White House, Trump's been taking a bunch of decorative dumps on everything, overseen by his lead designer. Can of gold spray paint. The latest addition is a new Presidential Walk of Fame featuring portraits of past presidents, an idea he says was inspired by a display he Hilton next to Gerald Ford. Over here, you got a steam tray of scrambled eggs and the code for the wi fi. The pool. The pool and the gym are on the fourth floor and they're closed forever. This is so dumb. The White House doesn't need a tribute to presidents. The White House is a tribute to presidents. But Trump always. Trump always has an ulterior motive, and it's always being a jerk. Cuz take a look at the video the White House released. There's Obama and there's Trump and, oh, hardy har har. It's Biden as an auto pen. And I know, isn't that so childish? And is this. I'm told we have a response from Joe Biden.