B (3:37)

No.

A (3:38)

Sad, sad. There's one prominent guy who is in there prominently because President Donald Trump is mentioned more than 1,000 times, and the New York Times found 5,300 files with references to Trump and. And more than 38,000 references to Trump, his wife, and Mar a Lago. 38,000 references. That seems low, frankly. Obviously, this is the biggest story imaginable, but for some reason, it isn't. Case in point, I led with a groundhog who got to me. These files include many disturbing allegations, all denied by the White House as being unfounded and false. I want to be clear about that. But among these is that before he was President of the United States, Donald Trump forced an underage girl to perform oral sex and hosted big orgy parties with young girls at one of his golf clubs. Even if. Even if these particular parts of the files that the Justice Department released and are denied by the White House as not being proven, what is detailed in those 3 million pages are allegations of some of the cruelest, most depraved crimes against women and kids involving some of the most powerful men on planet Earth. And now we've all been forced to have these details in our minds all weekend. And so I think we all deserve to immediately see this tiny dog running into the snow. There he is. There he is, fella. Now, despite his 38,000 references, these files aren't just about Trump. They embarrass a lot of big shots, a lot of head honchos and poobahs and muckety mucks. Take Elon Musk. Yeah, please. He's publicly bragged that Mr. Epstein tried to get me to go to his island and I refused. But really, did ya? Cause there's an email exchange where Musk writes, do you have any parties planned? I've been working to the edge of sanity this year, and so once my kids head home after Christmas, I really want to hit the party scene in St. Barts or elsewhere and let loose. A peaceful island experience is the opposite of what I'm looking for. An email. An email which was sent at 6:07am on Christmas morning. Hey, Six, say what you want, but he's a high achiever. That proves it. It's dawn on Christmas morning, and he's already on the top of next year's naughty list. There's also an appearance. There's also an appearance in the files by Trump. Commerce Secretary and koala staring at you while he humps the branch. Howard Lutnick. On a podcast last year, Lutnig said that back in 2005, he was so revolted by a visit to Epstein's Manhattan apartment that he decided to never be in a room with that disgusting person ever again. But the emails now reveal that Lutnick and his family spent time on Epstein's island in 2012. Well, it's the perfect family getaway. Kids, it's vacation time. Now, stay in your room, lock the door, and don't open it for anyone. Now, as bad as they are, as bad as all of these are, these 3 million pages are full of redactions left and right. And obviously, we don't know what we're all being blocked from seeing by the Justice Department. But the law that Congress passed and that Donald Trump signed says that the DOJ cannot hide any names or photographs of any of these powerful people just to protect their reputations. And the Justice Department even said they did not protect President Trump. Well, guess what? When these files were released, it was clear that they did. Case in point, this photograph with the face blacked out. Who could it be? Wow. Wow.

B (7:54)

Following.

A (7:56)

Could you put it back up one more time? Can you just put it back? Following an outcry. Following an outcry, they were forced to un. Redact the image. Okay, let's see who it is.

B (8:13)

Phil.

A (8:14)

No. The only things that were supposed to be redacted were the names and the images of all the survivors. But the DOJ evidently sucks. So one email described an Epstein victim list, which left dozens of names exposed. And worse, the DOJ published dozens of unredacted nude images on its website showing young women or possibly teenagers, that is so shockingly awful that, again, there's nothing I can say. So here's an orangutan driving a golf cart. I don't know where you're going, ma', am, but take us with you. A group of these women. Now, a group of these women who had been abused by Epstein and his rich buddies saw these redactions this weekend and released this statement. Survivors are having their names and identifying information exposed, while the men who abused us remain hidden and protected. This is outrageous. The Justice Department cannot claim it has finished releasing files until every legally required document is released and every abuser and enabler is fully exposed. Yeah, good for them. Good for them. Well said. Damn straight. And some of these redactions are completely random. Case in point, in one document, they've redacted both the sender and recipient of an email that says, I wanted you to know I made your chili for Super Bowl Sunday, and it was a winner. Everyone loved it, and I gave you credit. That's gotta be a tough announcement at the super bowl party. Hey, guys, guess who gave me this chili recipe. Jeffrey Epstein. But he made me promise not to reveal the secret ingredient or anything else. These revelations are only the tip of the creep burg because according to representative Ro Khanna, the DOJ said identified over 6 million potentially responsive pages, but is releasing only about 3.5 million after review and redactions. Well, pretty suspect to show only half of what you have. Hey, I didn't shoplift. What are you talking about? Sure, sure, I'll show you my pockets. Look, it's empty. Oh, you want to see two pockets? There you go. Don't worry about. Don't worry about what's in my other pocket. Hey, man, don't worry. I. Look, I looked. Don't worry about what's in my other pocket. Okay? It's chilly. So with this document dump, we now have even more evidence that there is indeed a cabal of rich men who traffic young women and girls across state and international lines for their pleasure. But Trump's DOJ guy, Todd Blanche, who was also Trump's personal lawyer in the Stormy Daniels sex case, said the DOJ is not considering bringing any additional charges related to Epstein, saying, quote, there was nothing in there that allowed us to prosecute anybody. You have millions of pages, millions of pages, and you don't want to investigate any further, possibly bring any of these men to justice? Well, I guess that makes sense. I mean, we all remember that iconic courtroom scene.

B (12:02)

Did you order the code Red?

A (12:04)

You want answers?

B (12:05)

No, thank you.

A (12:07)

We got a great show for you tonight. My guest is John Oliver. When we come back, your chance on a part of Late show history. Thank you. Thank you. Please have a seat, everybody. Very kind. Oh, you're going to want to save some of that energy for our because I hold in my hot little hands the card full of questions for Mr. John Oliver, who's gonna be here just. His 22nd interview on this show. 22. We're finally, finally gonna get it right, folks. I'm having a great time doing the show here at the historic Ed Sullivan Theater. But in a few months, yeah, unbelievably beautiful. But in a few Months. I'm going to have to vacate the premises and to make a move. Did y' all just find out those who watch the show more often, to make that move as easily as possible, we have decided to harness the power and style of home shopping networks to sell off everything I can from the late show and donate the proceeds to charity. Because if I don't. Because if I don't sell it off for charity, the network will sell off everything for pennies on the dollar and use the cash to buy Warner Brothers. This is Late show home shopping. Canceled clearance sale. Bye, bye, bye.

B (14:05)

Welcome.

A (14:06)

Welcome to the shop. Tonight we have a gorgeous selection of beautiful deals and exclusive prices. And everything you see here and more is up for auction on our website, colbertlateshow.com eBay. Or use that thing right there, which I believe takes you to a Covid era restaurant menu. Go bid on these great items because all proceeds will go to World Central Kitchen, an organization. Thank you. An organization wherever there's war or natural disaster. Because regular catering jobs just weren't hard enough. Joining me tonight, as always, is my co host, Mr. John Oliver. John, good to see you, John Oliver.

B (14:57)

There we go.

A (15:00)

Thank you. Okay, John.

B (15:03)

Okay.

A (15:03)

Thank you for being here, John.

B (15:05)

Oh, thank you, Stephen, for forcing me to wear this outfit.

A (15:10)

Anytime. Anytime, buddy. John, are you ready to throw your credibility out the window and sell something of questionable value?

B (15:17)

Stephen, I was in two Smurfs movies.

A (15:22)

Fair enough. Okay, then. Let's look at tonight's treasures. First up, a luxury item from my own personal collection. It's my actual script from the final episode of the Colbert Report. Ooh. Signed not just by me, but also by acclaimed singer song Randy Newman, one of history's greatest randys, Right between Quaid and Macho Man Savage. John, how much would you pay for an exciting product like this?

B (15:52)

Great question. Well, this is an absolute must have for anyone who's a fan of Steven or Randy Newman or pieces of paper with the date December 18, 2014 written on them. So I would expect to pay at least 50,000 quid.

A (16:04)

No idea what that means. We will start our bidding at $30. And if you act now, I will also throw in the script for the final episode of the Late Show. Ooh. Of course, you'll have to wait to receive this until after we have written this script. So far, all we have is welcome to the Late show, followed by many words I cannot say on television.

B (16:28)

And to make this perfect collection even more so, I will be adding this poster that I had made for the Late show with John Oliver. Just in case CBS changes their mind and decides they do actually want to stay in the Late night game. Call me, cbs. I'm free six days a week. You seem like a great company to work for. Wouldn't you say so, Steven?

A (16:51)

I would say.

B (16:53)

Solid.

A (16:54)

I would say so. Until May 22nd. Up next. Up next, we have an incredible piece of broadcast history and a comfortable place to sit. It's the Late Show's guest chair.

B (17:04)

Wow. Now, this is the chair where guests of the Late show have sat across from Stephen Colbert while he pretended to listen to them.

A (17:12)

Yes, this is the chair where guests of the Late show have sat across from Stephen Colbert while he pretended to listen to them.

B (17:20)

Now, over the years, this chair has seen the ass of a thousand celebrities, narrowly beating Pete Davidson's record. And to make this chair even better, I will be leaving some change between the cushions. And by change, I mean a $100 bill signed by both Stephen and myself.

A (17:38)

And we are starting bidding tonight at $98. So there is a chance that you could make two butts a ballgame. Next up, a piece of designer couture. It's the big furry hat I Wore during all 31 installments of my iconic segment, Big furry hat. Don't miss your chance to own a piece of late night history, specifically the night seven years ago when we stopped doing this bit. Now, John, what would you pay for this one of a kind item like this?

B (18:14)

Well, Stephen, big furry hat is a segment I cannot forget because I never learned what it was. Like most people, I skipped the first few years off. But if I had to guess, I'd say it's worth $43 million.

A (18:32)

That is. That is the suggested retail price. But we will start bidding tonight at just $100.

B (18:40)

Let me stop you right there, because that is an absurd savings that only an absolute madman would suggest. And to make it even more deranged, I'll be throwing in my very own signed headshot right here. And if you look closely, you'll see that the signature is actually from acclaimed actor Paul Giamatti, because the inscription reads, I've been playing John Oliver this whole time.

A (19:04)

Wow. I never noticed that. Giamatti, you are good. Thank you, Stephen. Finally, finally. And also last, we are auctioning off the once in a lifetime opportunity for for you to come to the Late show offices and raid our props closet. That's right. We have so many great props from our incredible props department stored in our offices that we can't possibly list them all. So we are giving one lucky viewer the chance to spend 60 seconds grabbing as many items as they can carry. Will you use it to grab the wrestling dummy that kind of looks like Mike Pence or an armful of disembodied arms? Or perhaps the biggest prize of all, a brief containing more than $1 million of prop money? It's up to you. Plus, if we feel like it, we might show your dash through the prop closet right here on the Late Show. Wow. That is.

B (20:02)

That is right. No guarantees here, but if you've ever wanted to appear on tv, desperately shoving an old wig down your pants, this might be your chance.

A (20:12)

Remember, and I hope you'll remember. Come on. All proceeds go to World Central Kitchen. So head to Colbert. Colbertlateshow.com eBay and start bidding on these items. And keep checking back because we're adding more great stuff all the time. Props, suits, even the ugly ass glasses that John is wearing right now. The network, and this is true, won't let us keep any of this stuff, so we're passing the spendings on to you. We'll be right back with John Oliver.

B (21:00)

First thing that comes to mind when.

A (21:02)

You Hear Milano Cortina, 2026 Stress flame bearers making it to Milan brings you stories from women, Olympics and Paralympians, moving mountains to live their dreams and the family, teammates and coaches who make it all possible. It's easier to be a role model when things are going good for you, right? Winning all these medals when you're doing so well. But what happens when you're struggling? Tune into Flame Bearers wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. My guest tonight is the award winning host of last week, Tonight with John Oliver. Please welcome back to the Late Show, John Oliver. Good to see you. Hey, don't break that. That's being auctioned off.

B (21:53)

Don't break that. You're right. You're right.

A (21:55)

Now, as I said, I mentioned to the people before here, this is your 22nd interview.

B (21:59)

Wow, that's a lot.

A (22:01)

You're pulling away.

B (22:02)

Yeah, that's a lot.

A (22:03)

You're pulling away from Neil Tyson and John Dickerson, all the other guys there. But we have to also address the fact.

B (22:09)

Can I squeeze in a few more, I think before you go? Maybe you don't even know about it. I'll come in as Sabrina Carpenter.

A (22:17)

As long as it's the right outfit, I will.

B (22:19)

It's a lateral move.

A (22:21)

You've also been in 24 sketches on the show. You've been in more sketches than you and a. I want to thank you. Obviously, for always being there. But why so eager? Do you have to make your, like, your union health insurance minimum? Why?

B (22:37)

I think the most telling thing is there, rather than the compliment saying you've always been there. That is my performance review in one. A nutshell, really. He was there. He was there.

A (22:47)

He was always there.

B (22:48)

When I was cold and lonely, he was there. He was there.

A (22:51)

Yes.

B (22:52)

Yeah. No, I've never said. No.

A (22:53)

No. You know, you've always been a joy. It's always been a joy.

B (22:57)

What are you doing?

A (22:58)

I would not have said 24, but that's fantastic. He's 23 this morning. 24.

B (23:02)

24. Once I put those glasses on.

A (23:04)

I introduced you once as being one of my top six favorite johns.

B (23:09)

Yeah. Yeah. And I took.

A (23:12)

And I'm curious.

B (23:13)

I took that badly first, but then I realized top 10 is great.

A (23:16)

Well, a lot of johns.

B (23:17)

There's a lot of Johns as well.

A (23:18)

I'm just curious where I rank among your Stevens.

B (23:20)

Well, it depends if it's. We're counting phs.

A (23:23)

Phs.

B (23:23)

So, okay. Cause if it. That's. That's good news for you. Cause Steven Gerrard of Liverpool spells it with a V. Yeah.

A (23:32)

That's why I went ph.

B (23:34)

I would say your top five. I had an uncle I loved very much. He was called Stephen Hawking. Fry.

A (23:41)

Oh, Fry.

B (23:42)

And then guess who's there. Sc.

A (23:44)

Oh, wow.

B (23:45)

Stc. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Top five.

A (23:49)

What's your middle name?

B (23:50)

Top five singles.

A (23:51)

What's your middle name?

B (23:51)

William.

A (23:52)

William.

B (23:52)

Yeah. I was born on Shakespeare's birthday.

A (23:55)

Wow. And that's why they named you.

B (23:57)

They named me William. Wow. Maybe this son will grow up to be a grand playwright. Or he'll do bits for Stephen Colbert whenever ever.

A (24:05)

He calls whenever required. Did you see Hamnet?

B (24:08)

No.

A (24:09)

You didn't see Hamnet?

B (24:10)

No.

A (24:10)

Go see Hamnet.

B (24:11)

Okay.

A (24:11)

Are you afraid to see Hamnet?

B (24:12)

Uh, no. Why. Why would I be afraid?

A (24:14)

Oh, waterworks, baby.

B (24:15)

Oh, really?

A (24:16)

Bring some Gatorade.

B (24:17)

Oh, we'll see about that. No.

A (24:19)

Oh, we'll see about that.

B (24:20)

I'm dead inside. Hamnet comic.

A (24:21)

No, no. Now, I want it to be a field pea. That's the 25th. That's the 25th sketch you're gonna do. We're gonna bring a camera, and we're gonna mount a camera on the seat in front of you while you watch.

B (24:32)

I will say this. I will say this. I will not spill a tear unless. Unless we're watching Hamlet on a plane, in which case I will cry out to anything.

A (24:42)

You get very emotional.

B (24:43)

At altitude, any movie. I have cried on a plane at Blades of Glory. I swear, I swear it's true. Because when he comes back, they skate together. At the end I was crying so hard. The flight attendant came around to look as if. What's he looking at? And then saw Will Ferrell and Blake McGraw and he thought.

A (25:04)

I haven't seen it. I have never seen it.

B (25:06)

Oh, if you watch it at 30,000ft, you will cry.

A (25:09)

Tell you what. Yeah, I'll trade you.

B (25:10)

Yeah, sure, I'll trade you.

A (25:12)

We have to take a quick break.

B (25:13)

Uh huh.

A (25:13)

We're right back with more John Oliver, everybody. Hey, we're back here with John Oliver. You know who that is?

B (25:32)

Yeah.

A (25:34)

As I was saying before, we're talking about when we're auctioning stuff we're getting out of the, the Ed Sullivan in a few months and I. I've never taken. No, don't do that. No, no, no. It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine.

B (25:49)

I cannot wait. I cannot wait. But here's the thing with Chuck E. Cheese.

A (25:52)

I have never taken this place for granted. It's such a beautiful, beautiful theater. And when you and I have my memories of coming on here for Dave and Dave's desk was up there, over there. Do you remember what, do you remember the first time you were on with Dave?

B (26:05)

Yeah, I remember it being freezing cold because he liked it like a meat locker. You could store.

A (26:09)

We're about three degrees warmer.

B (26:10)

Oh, that feels like a lot. That three degrees takes you a long way. I remember walking across here, having never met him, to meeting him while the band is playing and he's just waiting there. And it was incredible. It went by fast. I was talking faster than I was thinking the whole time. I think we got into a bit of a fight at the end. I took his questions card and started making fun of him. I thought it was fun. And then as I was leaving, I thought, did I just have an argument with that man? And I said to his producer as I was leaving, was that okay? Is he gonna be Matt? And they said, he has already forgotten that you were here.

A (26:44)

And.

B (26:47)

I was, bear in mind, bear in mind, he could still see me at that point. I hadn't gone round the corner. Yeah, I think it was right, he's gone now. Object permanence, you're gone forever. But it was, but it was magical though, because of him and because of this place and what it's seen. I grew up loving his show and that interview with Warren Zevon we've talked about it before. I think it's one of the most amazing moments. Thinking about the Beatles playing here. Elvis, it's great.

A (27:23)

And now John Oliver.

B (27:24)

I cannot.

A (27:25)

And now John Oliver.

B (27:26)

See the animatronic rodents that Chuck E. Cheese put on this stage when CBS sets fire to everything.

A (27:32)

Now, you also do a residency at the Beacon Theater here in New York.

B (27:35)

I do.

A (27:35)

Up on the Upper west side. You and Seth together. Always together.

B (27:38)

Seth.

A (27:39)

You and Seth. You've said the stand up stage is your favorite place in the world. And I'm just curious, what do you get from that? Because I admire stand ups. I was an improv guy, but never did a standup. What is it you get about that that you don't get from your weekly show?

B (27:51)

Well, I guess with the weekly show, with these shows, right. Be they're daily or weekly, you're kind of making a disposable product for yourself. Where you make it, it's done, and then you move on to the next show.

A (28:00)

You never do those jokes again.

B (28:01)

Exactly. Where with stand up, you can work on it more and more and tinker with things at a much longer time frame. So I love it for that and I love it for the emotional calluses it gives you when. When failure can no longer hurt you. I've been hurt so many times by stand up audiences. There is no see even that. I felt nothing.

A (28:22)

How long did it take? How long did it take you to get that callous? Because my first night on Second City professionally, our director said to us afterwards, you have to learn to love the bomb.

B (28:31)

Yeah.

A (28:31)

And meaning not like, get through it and you'll get it better tomorrow. You actually have to love that feeling. Like you inhaling it like you're huffing failure. Like it's a high.

B (28:38)

Yes, because it's a nightmare. It's literally lots of people's nightmare is having a cold sweat thinking about doing stand up and not going well. But if you have that happen a hundred times, nothing after that feels like anything. You're just functionally dead inside in a very useful way. Also improvisers, you do not know what death is. What you die together.

A (28:59)

Oh, that's true.

B (29:00)

That is bull.

A (29:02)

That is why.

B (29:02)

Oh, we really died. No, no, no, no. We is the. We walked off together. There's nothing like the sound of just solo footsteps as you go. Not like, oh, look, wasn't that bad, but we still have each other. No, I'm talking about one set of footsteps in the sound.

A (29:21)

That's why I never wanted to do stand up.

B (29:22)

Yes, exactly.

A (29:23)

That's exactly why I remember once, somewhere.

B (29:25)

In England, I was walking off to the sound of my own footsteps. I just about left and some guy shouted out, that was genuinely awful. Like, I know this is bad, I just need. And to say it with a kind of precision that I've never forgot. Yeah. So, yeah, it's character building. But, yeah, improvisers, you share the pain, right?

A (29:44)

Yeah. And there's some pleasure to that pain because we can laugh at each other as we fail.

B (29:49)

Exactly. And you can say, wasn't that. We can take this humiliation. We can carve it up into eight pieces.

A (29:54)

Yes. But for you, stand up, it's just.

B (29:56)

You inhale it yourself.

A (29:58)

It's just you and the hungering darkness when the show's over. In the mirror on the road at 3am I know.

B (30:05)

And even as you say that, I think, I gotta get back out there again. I'm drawn to it now.

A (30:09)

What was the hardest? At a very young age, I learned to value just rib racking, laughter, terrible moments. Do you remember your favorite laugh before you ever did this? Professional?

B (30:23)

Yeah, I remember all those moments. I think Seinfeld once talked about how he remembers telling a joke to a kid when he was little and the kid laughing so hard like he spat milk into his face and thinking, oh, I like the feeling of that.

A (30:38)

Yeah. For me, it's like a magic trick.

B (30:40)

The hardest I laughed back then, like true bent over laughing was. We were having like a health ed class when we were 10 years old. It was so great. There was a supply teacher, she didn't teach in old school. A supply teacher, I guess, substitute teacher. She came in and she said, so I'm not normally with you. So I thought the best thing to do would be if you have any questions about the human body, just write them down and we'll put them. We'll put them in a jar and I'll pull them out. And so it's anonymous and that will be great. And then. So we did that, Stephen. We. We all wrote questions down, thoughtful questions. I will never forget her pulling out the first one. And the question was, do penises fart. Already? Spectacular. She then tried to answer that honestly, thinking, maybe this is a concern, maybe this is a concern.

A (31:40)

And we both know the answer is.

B (31:41)

Wanna meet you there?

A (31:42)

Yes.

B (31:43)

Yes. In a way.

A (31:45)

In a way, yes.

B (31:46)

Ken pulled out a second one. It was, can a boob explode? At this point, I'm crying, I'm laughing so hard, no sound is coming out. And the perfect ending was. I remember her looking up at Us and saying, are they all like this? And just as one go, yes, they are. And we're gonna remember this for much longer than we remember anything about the human body are about to tell us. It was pure joy.

A (32:12)

I just love that she had no editing. She. She didn't read. She just read the words one at a time.

B (32:16)

That was the key lesson that day. If you're asking for questions, read them first, edit them, and pretend you haven't.

A (32:24)

Who in your family growing up to? Me, I had older brothers and sisters who I thought were incredibly funny. And I learned, like, to tell a joke from a brother, Bill, tell a story from a brother Ed, stuff like that. Who did you learn that from?

B (32:36)

My granddad. My dad's dad loved comedy. He loved making people laugh. He kind of taught me to misbehave. Like, he. Yeah, it was.

A (32:45)

Did you spend a lot of time with him?

B (32:47)

I spent as much time as I could. But he would, like. He just thought it was funny if a kid acted badly. And I remember just the joke.

A (32:53)

It's not his problem.

B (32:54)

No, it's not his problem. So he would say, just demand some food now. So I'd say, I want food. And they'd. You said, what now? And just. He'd be buckled over, go, oh, it's great. It's great. Look how mad they are. And then I remember, I. All I wanted to do was make that dude laugh. And then when he was dying, he was a really old man. He was in this hospice, and so I thought it was probably gonna be the last time I'm gonna see him. And my dad went out to get the car, and so I could have followed him, but I was just staying for a little bit longer talking to him, and it was on the ground floor, so I thought, well, I'll just climb out the window.

A (33:31)

That's funnier.

B (33:33)

But without realizing, there was a pretty thick hedge, so I climbed out the window and then had to kind of force my way in an ungainly way through the hedge. And the last thing I heard him do was laugh and say, you're an idiot. That's. Those are the last words he said to me.

A (33:48)

That's a benediction.

B (33:49)

Yeah, I think so.

A (33:50)

That's a benediction.

B (33:50)

Absolutely.

A (33:51)

That's a beautiful thing to be remembered as. We're gonna take another break here, sell some soap. We're right back with more John Oliver, everybody. Hey, everybody, it's John Oliver. Okay, so coming up, when's the. When's the new season start?

B (34:20)

Next Sunday. So what's that so not. Not this Sunday, February 15th.

A (34:25)

February after Valentine's Day.

B (34:27)

Perfect for Valentine's Day hangout.

A (34:28)

Exactly.

B (34:28)

Yeah.

A (34:30)

Your boss, Warner Brothers.

B (34:32)

Yes. Right now.

A (34:33)

Discovery. They're for sale.

B (34:35)

For sale?

A (34:36)

Yeah, they're for sale.

B (34:36)

Highest or lowest bidder, it doesn't seem to matter.

A (34:38)

Exactly.

B (34:39)

Yeah.

A (34:39)

My bosses are looking to buy it.

B (34:41)

Sure.

A (34:42)

You want to go in together and maybe we buy it. We snake it. We just go snake it. We just go snake it away from them. Snake it away. Yeah. Take that. Yeah.

B (34:52)

Exactly how many longwatch horses are we going to need to be able to get to that table?

A (34:59)

I think they're $82 billion. All cash offer from Netflix.

B (35:02)

Okay. Is there a horse that's $82 billion to one like a kid in a horse costume?

A (35:08)

It might be, I might bet, if we could start doing commercials, you know? Do you ever done a commercial? I did a bunch of commercials back in.

B (35:15)

I remember you doing. I did the pistachio.

A (35:16)

Pistachio.

B (35:17)

You got that pistachio money.

A (35:18)

I had that pistachio money. That's all that nuts all gone. Oh, exactly.

B (35:22)

100% chopped up the pistachio. Up it.

A (35:25)

Yeah, exactly. It's a great source of protein.

B (35:29)

You're still. He's not even being a company man. He's not even being.

A (35:32)

Call me wonderful pistachios. I'm available soon.

B (35:35)

I will say this to any nuts that's interested. You pay Stephen once. He'll be your advocate for life. Yes, and that is why. Cause Brazil nuts have never paid you. What do you think of Brazil nuts?

A (35:47)

Don't care for them.

B (35:48)

Exactly.

A (35:49)

But don't care for them.

B (35:50)

But if they were to give you like a two year deal, what would you. What would you say about Brazil nuts?

A (35:54)

They're a great source of omega 3s.

B (35:56)

There you go. I mean, come on. Yeah, I don't have that.

A (36:02)

Does anyone enjoy Brazil nuts? Does anyone enjoy Brazil nuts? They're hard and they're oil.

B (36:06)

Yeah, that's right. That's it. I'd love if that's the hot take that did get you canceled. If Trump is sitting rage watching this, I went, he's taking on Brazil nuts, this guy. I'll hear him talk about the Epstein files. I'll hear him on my wife's movie. But you on Brazil nuts, brother, you are done in this establishment.

A (36:28)

I have. I have not said anything about his wife's movie tonight.

B (36:31)

Oh, oh, wait.

A (36:32)

Did you say. Did you say something about it?

B (36:33)

What did you think about it?

A (36:33)

What? I didn't see it. Have you Seen it?

B (36:35)

I haven't seen it. Did you go see it? No, I didn't see it. I didn't see it either, and I won't see it. I think. I think I could.

A (36:39)

I'll see you on a stream.

B (36:40)

I think I could watch that on a plane and have very dry eyes.

A (36:54)

Valentine's. Valentine's, as we said, is the night before your. Your next season comes out. How romantic. Are you? Or do you. Do you. Do you respond? Do you respond to, like, chocolates and. And flowers and, like, spa days and stuff like that?

B (37:06)

I don't know if she's asked you to ask this or not.

A (37:10)

She. Kate. Kate. If you can find out what he likes.

B (37:13)

By what standard do you judge romance? I'm not French. I'm not Italian. I'm British. I should be judged on a different scale.

A (37:22)

Okay.

B (37:23)

A formal acknowledgement suffices, I believe. Yes. And as for your suggestion of a spa day, do you not like that? No one has ever bought me a spa day, and I would take it as a grave insult if they did. I do not want to be held by a stranger. I don't want to be pressed. They don't want to be. They don't hold you? They don't. They. No.

A (37:43)

They rub you.

B (37:44)

I don't want that at all. I.

A (37:48)

Why not?

B (37:49)

I do not want to be rubbed by a stranger.

A (37:52)

Wait. I'm not a stranger.

B (37:55)

I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

A (37:59)

You gotta relax, man.

B (38:00)

No, it's not exactly. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like it.

A (38:08)

Season 13 of Last Week, Tonight with John Oliver premieres February 15th on HBO. Max. John Oliver, everybody. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives. I'm back. I'm really back. School Spirits returns. Why am I here? Not dead, right? Disruption on this campus will not be tolerated. I look crazy. It's because that's how I feel. I don't know how to live in two worlds. Secrets lurk. There are others beneath the surface. They're not like us. We need to get out of here now.

B (38:56)

School Spirits new season, now streaming only on Paramount.

A (39:02)

It is my great honor to welcome you all to Starfleet Academy. There's never been a better time to enroll in. In Star Trek, it's our job to prepare you for the unimaginable to the night. Contend.

B (39:14)

In high pressure situations. Positive reinforcement is crucial to one's success.

A (39:18)

You're doing a great job.

B (39:20)

This is what we train for.

A (39:21)

These friends of mine, they all live for something bigger than themselves. Starfleet. Starfleet Academy. New series now streaming on Paramount plus.